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Here’s a thing. Fushiguro isn’t religious. Or, well, he hasn’t really thought about it. He doesn’t believe in god, nor does he fully eliminate the idea of a higher being. Not that this really matters, but somehow, deep down he feels like he has sinned. He doesn’t know where it comes from, how it got there. All he knows is that he feels ashamed of his sexuality, which is a weird trait for him. He accepts everyone, he truly doesn’t care who others love, how they identify, it’s quite the opposite. Megumi is always supportive and happy for everyone else, even if he can’t express it. He even feels jealous of how openly Nobara talks about her crush on Maki. Fushiguro wishes he could do that.
Everytime he sees Yuuji he tries to eat his own feelings. Megumi didn’t think he would ever fall in love with someone. He has had “fleeting crushes” as one would call it, thinking someone is attractive, but nothing serious. He also always knew he wasn’t really interested in women, but he never wanted to admit it. Again, he doesn’t know where it comes from, especially after being raised by Gojo, who was always vocal about his one and only, Geto Suguru.
Fushiguro isn’t out, but he isn’t really closeted either. He’s pretty sure Kugisaki and Gojo already know, maybe even Itadori. He never really tries to hide it, per se, but he doesn’t talk about it as well. “It isn’t really anyone’s business” he thinks, knowing that’s not what's bothering him. He also sees no point in being fully out when he only has eyes for Itadori, who’s very vocal about his type, specifically being women. Now that’s out of the way, he tries to focus on moving on from Yuuji.
This plan however, never works out. Itadori is currently sitting on Fushiguro’s dorm balcony, looking out. He can’t seem to stop staring. The way the moon kisses his face, the way the gentle wind moves his hair, the way his eyes track movements. He’s just so, so captivating. Fushiguro is staring at him, reciting the quote from “Pride & Prejudice” in his mind; “You have bewitched me body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. And wish from this day forth never to be parted from you”, he thinks to himself quietly. This quote is like a prayer in his head, repeating over and over again, Yuuji completely oblivious to this.
“Fushiguro! Look!” - Itadori points at something. Megumi can’t even bring himself to look at whatever he is pointing at, staring at his hand instead. Calloused, rough, nails broken. He wants to reach out and hold it close to his heart. He wants Itadori to feel how strong his heart beats for him. Although, he would rather dig his own grave than admit that. Megumi was never the type to ever talk about his feelings, let alone the romantic ones. Never voices his worries, barely ever lets people around him know when he’s happy. He doesn’t really know why, that’s just the way he has always been doing it. If needed, his friends already know which sour expression indicates which emotion, so he’s all good. He loves his friends, truly, he loves them so deeply he thinks they’ll never understand it, but he is fine with it.
“Fushiguro?” - His thoughts get cut off. Now Yuuji's enchanting eyes are staring back at him. Megumi feels as if he’s getting sucked into them.
“Yeah?” - He hopes his voice doesn’t sound shaky, as he is caught off guard.
“Are you okay? You’ve been standing there for a while, looking at nothing. Do you feel sick?” - Itadori gets closer.
One, two, three steps.
He suddenly feels Yuuji’s hand on his forehead. They’re warm. It’s as if he’s being tickled by the sun.
Beat.
He’s close. His eyes full of concern and comfort, eyebrows furrowed.
Another beat.
“I’m fine. Just tired, I guess I was just zoning out.” - He nods his head a little, as a cue for Itadori to move his hand from his forehead. And he does so. The emptiness on his forehead feels cold.
“I see. Just let me know if anything!” - Smile painting over Yuuji’s face and god. It’s like he just cast a spell on him. Megumi swears he could melt under his gaze.
Beat.
Yuuji hasn’t moved away. He’s still close.
Fushiguro’s heart is just hammering. He can’t hear anything else. He wants to tell Itadori how much he wants to hold him, feel his embrace and never let go. But at this exact moment the dread of shame comes over him again. He doesn’t understand.
“Say, Fushiguro. Do you mind if I let you in on a little secret?” - Itadori suddenly says, sitting down on the edge of the bed. His gaze lingering, unmoving, constantly stuck on Megumi’s face, a little desperate even. For a second, Fushiguro felt like a painting hung on a museum wall.
“So suddenly? Hit me with it.” - He’s trying to sound casual.
But Itadori doesn’t speak. Or, well, he’s thinking to be specific. Like he’s trying to choose his words carefully.
“I like boys.” - Is all he says.
Fushiguro is confused. He has no idea what to say, how to react, if he misheard him. So it’s quiet for a bit. For a second, or two. Maybe three, he doesn’t know anymore. He’s lost. He can’t even think. Every thought he had was cut off, like something just knocked him out. It’s static in his head.
“I do like girls too, but you already knew that.” - Itadori speaks again, trying to fill the silence. Fushiguro notices that Yuuji’s eyes are not on him anymore, he’s looking down on his feet.
“What made you realize that?” - Fushiguro asks. He never knows what to say in these situations. Congrats? Thanks for letting me know? So he settles on this instead.
“Um.” - Itadori is caught off guard. He hasn’t expected this question, this much is obvious from his face.
“If you are comfortable sharing, of course.” - Megumi adds quickly, noticing how Itadori looked, as if he was gluing back broken glass pieces together.
“I guess it has always been there? It’s just, well, I don’t know. I never even thought of not liking men, but I’ve also never thought about liking them, if that makes sense? I always thought it was just a normal feeling and all. Full realization just came by late I suppose. As in realizing what I was feeling and experiencing was because I’m bisexual. You know? Like I never really thought of the sexuality stuff so deeply.” - Itadori says, rambling, trying to explain. His hands moving along with his whole speech. He was always so expressive with his body. Fushiguro always found it very endearing.
His explanation made him chuckle a bit.
“What?” - Itadori stopped. “Did I say something funny?” looking at him as if he was about to discover the secret of the universe, ever so curious.
“Nothing, Itadori. That’s just so… You.” - He isn’t lying. That whole explanation is just so, Itadori. Fushiguro feels his heart clench a bit. If only it was the same for him. Never dwelling on it, being free and accepting of his own self. It was bittersweet. He was overwhelmed by the sudden wave of thoughts. He’s drowning. Deep, deep down in his thoughts.
“So me? What do you mean?”
Fushiguro doesn’t even hear him ask that.
“Well, I guess you could say that.” - Itadori follows up.
Does this mean he also has to come out? Even if not now, maybe in the future? Does he have a chance with Itadori? Can he learn to fully accept himself? Can he also be vocal about it? Is there a boy Itadori likes? What is he feeling? Who made Itadori feel that way?
“Fushiguro?” - Itadori asks, again. He looks back at Itadori. Suddenly all the thoughts are moved to the back of his head. Shut away behind a door temporarily, threatening to burst open.
“Are you that tired? Should I leave so you can get some rest?” - Yuuji says, standing up. Inspecting Megumi’s face up close and Megumi can feel his breathing stop.
“No. No. I was just thinking.” - He says, trying not to sound nervous.
“About?”
You. Me. Us.
“Listen, Fushiguro. There’s something else.” - Itadori doesn’t even wait for Fushiguro’s answer and that makes him feel a bit relieved.
“What is it?”
“The reason I had a ‘full realization’ is because of-”
Beat.
Beat.
Another beat.
“You.” - Itadori finally finishes his sentence.
Is this a joke? Megumi doesn’t understand. He’s panicking. Cold sweat. Heart beating. Hands shaking. Silence. Barely breathing.
Megumi can’t feel his legs. His heart is threatening to give out.
“Whatever do you mean?” - This time he knows how he sounds. Quiet, desperate, scared. Does Itadori know Fushiguro is gay? Why does that matter anyway if he does. They’re both into men. But what is Itadori saying? Fushiguro can’t keep up with his thoughts.
“Isn’t it obvious?” - Itadori takes a step forward, but with hesitation, carefulness. As if one wrong move from Fushiguro will make him run away, as fast as he can.
Fushiguro doesn’t speak. He can’t speak. His silence is deafening to Itadori. Fushiguro notices fear in the other’s eyes, hope dissipating. Itadori immediately retracts the step he just took forward. One, two, maybe three steps. Backwards.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” - His head moving downwards, eyes peeled onto the ground, trying to move past Fushiguro and open the door. “Goodnight.”
Before Fushiguro realizes what just happened, he hears the door click, very gently. Itadori’s presence disappears from the room. It’s cold, freezing, lonely. Too much space, empty. He feels his heart shatter. Pieces of it stuck to his throat.
His body moves without thinking, his legs not listening to any reason, running down the hallway.
“Itadori!” - He swings open Yuuji’s dorm room, which is always left unlocked.
It’s dark. After desperately trying to find Itadori, he sees a figure on the couch. Hugging his own body, knees to his face.
Yuuji doesn’t speak.
Fushiguro kneels down in front of Itadori. Looking up at him, instead of sitting next to him.
He can do this.
Come on Megumi. Get over yourself. Let it out.
“Look at me.”
Itadori doesn’t move an inch.
“Please.” - His voice about to break, full of distraught.
The other finally looks up. It’s hard to fully make out Itadori’s expression, but the moon is still dancing on his face. The tears in his eyes reflect the silver.
“I’m sorry.” - Megumi speaks. “I was scared. I was confused, Itadori.” This is hard. He’s about to swallow his words back.
All Itadori does is furrow his brows. This is a cue for Fushiguro to keep speaking.
“I’ve always known I was into men. I just never wanted to admit it. I never thought I would have to, anyway. Then you came around. But I ignored it still. He is into women, I thought, so he will never have to know.” - He stops. Trying to catch his breath, collect himself. He places a hand on Yuuji’s knee. “Then this happened. I never expected it. Never once did I let myself think you would be into me. It was confusing. I was lost. I apologize, Itadori. I can try to make it right. You are in everything I see, everything I hear. Constantly in the back of my mind. My first thought every morning, my last thought every night.” He never meant to say all this, but now he can’t stop himself. Megumi keeps talking. Apparently, it’s hard to stop spilling your heart out the second you say one word. “I want to be with you, I just don’t know how to, but for you, maybe I can learn.” His heart is threatening to give out again, it’s about to fall.
Yuuji catches it.
Before he could keep on rambling, he felt Yuuji’s knees move out of the way, putting his feet on the ground, Megumi’s hand still on one of the knees. In just one beat he feels warm, rough hands around his face. Fushiguro's is being held like a marble statue. So softly, gently, despite calloused hands. Itadori’s lips on his, warmth rushing through his body, feeling every blood drop in his veins passing by. His heart hammering against the ribcage. He can feel the wetness of Itadori’s tears on his face. He feels himself die and come back to life. He could never describe with words what this feels like.
Itadori pulls away, the ghost of his lips still dancing on Fushiguro’s.
“Thank you.”
Fushiguro barely catches that, it was uttered so quietly, as if Yuuji was whispering a prayer.
“What?” - Megumi asks, confused.
“For telling me this.” - Words dripping with honey, utmost sincerity.
“No. Thank you, for coming to me first. I know I wouldn’t have ever done it, terrified of losing your friendship.” - He responds just as quietly as Itadori. Moving his hands onto his face this time, wiping the tears off of his face.
I never want to make him cry like this again, he thinks.
Yuuji smiles and this is it. This is what he wants for the rest of his life. His feelings of shame seem to die down slowly.
How could I ever be ashamed of loving you?
“Megumi.”
His name sounds like a prayer in his mouth, it sounds so careful. As if he’s holding it in his palms very gently.
“Yes, Yuuji?” - It comes so naturally. He was born to say his name, over and over again. He was born to love him.
“I love you.” - They say at the same time and Itadori’s mouth is agape. Eyes wide, like he just found out a secret of the whole mankind. He giggles after, resting his forehead against Megumi’s, who is still kneeling.
He can learn to accept himself. He wants to love him openly and loudly. He could bruise his knees kneeling like this, holding his face forever. There is nothing he would want more than having the pleasure of loving him.
He stays the night in Itadori’s dorms. They spend the night talking. When they realized their feelings, how long it has been, and Fushiguro finally starts opening up.
This isn’t as scary as he thought it would be. He feels safe here. Under Yuuji’s gaze and in his arms, he feels protected and loved. It’s calm. He was meant for this.