Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

I could sail across the Indian Ocean

And bathe in the reflection of the moon

I could find the buried treasure of ancient kings

But it wouldn’t mean a thing without you

No, it wouldn’t mean a thing without you

You bring out the best in me

Help me see the world differently

Be a better man than I’d ever be on my own

I’ll give you the rest of me

You’re the reason I rest easily

It’s the love and loyalty you’ve shown 

Wouldn’t Mean a Thing, Bruno Major

Buck was enjoying playing pool with Eddie. The two of them were mindful of their other two counterparts, hovering near the pool table. But their attention was solely on each other. Buck hadn’t known they were inadvertently ignoring the other two men that had joined them as they waited for their food to be brought out to their table. 

He stifled his disappointment, when Tommy made an off-handed comment about Buck and Eddie monopolizing the pool table. He stepped back, eyes wandering over to where Tommy and Samuel were standing. 

Eddie’s former friend seemed to agree with Tommy’s sentiment, if his steely stare was taken into account. Buck unrelentingly stared back at him. He wrapped his hand around his cue stick to the point his knuckles whitened. 

He didn’t know why Eddie extended the invitation to Samuel. He could have just come to the baseball game and then went on his merry way back to his hotel. Didn’t Samuel constantly say he had meetings to attend? He shouldn’t be staying out so late. 

Buck knew it was unfair to be off-put by Eddie’s former friend. He barely knew the man well enough to rationalize his growing disinterest in him. He saw Eddie’s reactions, whenever Samuel stepped too close to him. He noticed how Eddie would stand awkwardly as though he was unsure how to position his body to not draw attention to himself. Buck didn't like that response and he disliked Samuel for being the cause of it. 

So when Samuel met his eyes in a challenge, Buck met him there halfway. Buck wasn’t an overly competitive person by any means. However, he did rise to the occasion, when someone boldly challenged him. He had come to the bar, fully intent on having a casual night of fun. He wanted to bask in the celebratory win the 118 had over the 133 in their annual baseball game. They had all come out to the bar for a fun night. Even the 133 had come out, after their loss to them. 

Samuel was ruining his fun night. 

Okay, he wasn’t ruining his night. That would be giving him far too much power. However, he was infringing on his time with Eddie. Before they had left to play pool, Samuel and Eddie kept talking to each other. Buck would have been fine with that, understanding that Eddie wanted to continue catching up with an old friend. 

Samuel did not extend the same courtesy, whenever Eddie and Buck were talking. Instead he was inconsiderate, trying to draw Eddie’s focus back to him. Buck was finding it hard not to say a rude remark whenever he did that. 

He wanted to remind Samuel that he couldn’t expect to have all of Eddie’s attention, especially when he reappeared out of the blue. Also he didn't appreciate that when one of their friends asked Samuel a question about himself, he related it to a childhood story about him and Eddie. Eddie had seemed fine at first, but toward the third story Buck could see the tense lines in his smile. 

Then there was one instance where he interjected himself into Eddie and Buck’s conversation. Buck could’ve sworn he pulled Eddie’s attention away from him on purpose. In response, Buck interrupted them to ask Eddie if they were still on for lunch tomorrow. They had made no such plans, but Buck wanted to blatantly remind Samuel that Eddie was his friend. Samuel was only making a pit-stop into town, before high-tailing it back to Austin. 

He carefully held his tongue as Samuel turned to Eddie and said it would have been nice for the two of them to grab lunch. 

Buck had been cordial and nice because he was Eddie’s childhood friend. He had been kind, when they met up a few days ago for lunch at an Italian restaurant. In spite of wanting to demand Samuel get an uber and drive himself back to his hotel, he sat back in his chair as he watched them leave the restaurant together. 

Unfortunately, his level of cordiality was running out the longer he stayed around Samuel. His patience was being tested. 

He didn’t think it was wise for them to be playing a game by themselves, but there they were. Tommy and Eddie were somewhere off to the side, having caught on to his and Samuel’s competitive game. Eddie had only come over a few minutes ago to ask them if they wanted something to drink. 

Buck lined his shot up, sinking two stripes. Samuel cocked his head to the side, moving around the table to see where he should line his shot. Buck tried not to roll his eyes as he took his precious time. 

“Eddie seems to have really settled into his own here. That’s good to see,” Samuel said as he failed to sink any of his shots. 

“What do you mean?” Buck asked while he surveyed the landscape of the table to see which ball he should hit. 

Samuel shrugged like he didn’t know what he meant, despite having making that observation. “He was fairly shy as a kid. Around you all he seems different.”

“He can still get shy sometimes, when he’s around people he doesn’t trust,” Buck thinly responded, hoping Samuel got the implication of his words. “He’s more open with us because he knows us and trusts us. We’re family.”

Samuel stepped back to the table as Buck finished his turn. “Hmm, family. That’s nice to have when you’re so far away from home. It helps that you two are so close, right?” 

“Yeah, he’s my best friend,” Buck truthfully answered. “He’s probably the closest to me outside of Maddie and Christopher.”

“Ah, so you’re basically like brothers,” Samuel smiled like the answer brightened his day. 

Buck scrunched up his nose, vehemently denying that because no...absolutely not. They were not like brothers. That’s…that would be — no. They were definitely not that. Chimney and him were brothers. Buck and Eddie were not. 

Buck was quick to answer with, “No, we’re not like brothers.”

“You said you’re all like family and that outside of Maddie...who’s your sister, yeah? Outside of her, it would be him. Doesn’t that imply you’re close like brothers?” Samuel analyzed. 

“That’s different,” Buck argued. 

“How so?”

“Because…” he stopped short of answering, when he heard Eddie’s raised voice. He turned his head around, searching for him to see what was happening. 

His state of alarm increased as he saw an older man put his leg out to trip Eddie. He threw down his stick to the table as his legs carried him in five easy strides to Eddie. He didn’t look back to see if Samuel had followed. He hoped he didn’t. 

Buck stepped in front of Eddie, right before the man managed to swing his fist down on Eddie’s face. He grabbed his wrist in his hands and pushed him out of Eddie’s space. The older man sputtered out random grumbles in discontent that he had been stopped. 

“It’d be very wise for you to step away,” Buck commanded, tightening his hold on the man’s wrist as he tried pulling away. He knew that once he released the man’s arm, he was going to try hitting Eddie again. He saw the way his eyes darted to Eddie from behind Buck’s stature. 

What he didn’t account for was the man splashing the remainder of his beer on Buck. He jolted back as warm beer ran from his eyes down to the collar of his t-shirt. The pungent smell of cheap beer burned his nostrils. He blinked his eyes, wincing as some of the beer dripped over his eyelashes. 

“That boy-” the man snarled in a clipped lisp. 

“Is a grown man. I’d be very careful with what you say next,” Buck fumed.  

The man ripped his hand from Buck’s grasp. Buck easily let him go, having stepped completely in front of Eddie to where the older man couldn’t see him anymore. The man spat out his toothpick onto the ground and opened his mouth to say something. Thankfully, for him a woman yelled out his name, stopping him from saying anything else. 

“Uncle Willie!” a woman yelled. 

The man tried running away, but was stopped in his pursuit by Samuel, who had miraculously managed to show up right when he was needed. How fortunate. 

“I am so sorry for my uncle. I’ll pay for laundry. Oh my gosh, Uncle Willie you’ve really done it now. They're firefighters. You poured beer on firefighters. You’re going to go to jail and mom is going to kill me. I thought you’d be fine with one drink,” she bemoaned while she stood by her uncle. 

“It’s okay. No one was seriously hurt. I’d recommend taking your uncle home though. He’s far past his limit,” Eddie kindly stated. 

“Yes, thank you. Thank you,” the woman continued to repeat, while dragging her uncle away. 

Tommy reached across the bar to grab some napkins to hand to him. He gratefully took the napkins, dabbing at his neck and face. He winced as some of the napkins clung to his skin. He started rubbing his face to get rid of the tiny pieces that had been left on his skin. 

He set his napkins down on the table, turning to make sure Eddie was okay. Of course, Samuel was already there checking on him. Buck should have left him in Samuel’s care, but then Eddie let out a sharp whimper of pain. His breath caught on a low whine as Samuel’s hands pressed near his pelvic bone. 

Buck harshly pushed at Samuel’s arm, moving him away from Eddie. He managed a quick apology and then turned his undivided attention to Eddie. 

“You okay?” Buck said, ducking his head to look for any visible signs that he had been hurt. 

Eddie lightly pushed at his shoulder. He shook his head, waving off Buck’s worry. “Buck, I’m fine. The only thing I may have hurt is my hip, when I got pushed into the counter. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Buck disagreed, wanting to turn back around and find the man who had hurt him. 

“Hey, they brought out the food,” Ravi said as he walked over to them. “I’m sensing some very weird tension right now, so I’m going to leave.”

He could tell Ravi clocked the seriousness of the situation he had stumbled upon. He heard him turn back on his heel, going back to their table. 

“Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up,” Eddie said to Buck.

He slid off the barstool and took Buck’s hand in his. He didn’t think to tell Tommy he’d be right back. He simply followed Eddie to the bar restroom. They went into the restroom and Buck went straight toward the sink. The napkins helped dry his face, but he needed soap and water to get rid of the smell. 

He didn’t want to smell like beer for the rest of the night. 

“Man, I’m going to be smelling like cheap beer forever,” Buck forlornly groaned as he cleaned his face and neck. He threw away the wet paper towels and gasped, when he turned around to see Eddie without his shirt on. 

Eddie frowned at his reaction. Buck cleared his throat, swallowing his embarrassment. He didn’t know why that was his immediate reaction. He had seen Eddie shirtless countless of times. 

“What? I’m giving you my shirt. My jacket isn’t made out of stretchable material, but my shirt is. It’ll be a tight fit, but you like wearing smaller shirts anyway. It’s better than a shirt that smells like beer.”

“That’s not what I’m looking at, Eddie,” Buck lied, stepping closer to Eddie. He didn’t know what compelled him to put his hands on the blossoming bruise on Eddie’s hip. 

Eddie sucked in a sharp inhale, as he looked up at Buck. He could feel the weight of his stare, while he traced the shape of the reddening bruise. There wasn’t a knot, so Buck could at least be thankful for that. Eddie would have to put ice on it later. 

Buck’s hand caught on the waistband of Eddie’s pants, causing his finger to inadvertently hook on the material made of cotton. He guided him closer by that thin piece of fabric. 

He didn’t know if it was possible to get high from the smell of weed in the air. However, that could be one of the reasons as to why Buck felt like he was ascending to a state of euphoria. Eddie’s chest rose and fell with every breath. Buck was close enough to him that his chest bumped into his chest every time he inhaled. 

Buck’s gaze lowered down to his bare shoulders. Buck had never noticed how the dusty red tint of his cheeks could expand down the rest of his tanned body. His eyes studied his hands that left a red imprint in his skin, as it dimpled under his touch. He relaxed his hold on him then tightened his grip. A feeling of fevered exultation rose inside of him as Eddie’s chest stuttered. 

He secured his hold on him, using it to guide Eddie closer to himself. Buck hadn’t known how easy Eddie would fall into his touch, trusting him to hold him safely. 

Eddie was meant to be held. 

Buck was meant to be the person who held him. 

Aware of this, he yearned to see how much of himself he would give over to Buck. 

His throat bobbed up and down, swallowing the humidity and smoke in the air. His chest was so close to Eddie’s, he began to wonder whether it was possible for the smell of beer to permeate Eddie’s skin. 

“Eddie,” Buck silently rasped, wanting to put into words what he was feeling. 

It felt like something was shifting, on the precipice of finally being discovered. 

“Buck,” Eddie hesitated. 

He sounded unsure like he didn’t know whether Buck had stumbled upon the same realization that he had. Buck wondered if the realization had always been there, only waiting for the two of them to be ready. 

Was this what enlightenment felt like?  

“Dude, I don’t know if you two are up to some freaky shit, but I would like you to know someone else is in here,” a voice slurred, knocking at one of the stall doors. “I’d prefer not to hear people getting it on as I’m puking my guts out.”

Enlightenment dispersed into fragrant wisps of incredulity as the moment abruptly ended. 

Buck wanted to shake whoever was in that stall for interrupting that moment. 

Eddie stepped away from him and Buck dropped his hand from his waist. He accepted the shirt that Eddie held out for him. Buck began taking off his shirt, taking in the way Eddie’s eyes surveyed his body. 

Buck would have made a show out of it, but decided now wasn’t the time. He folded his beer soaked shirt and began to put on Eddie’s shirt. He had only managed to get one arm through the sleeve, when he heard a knock at the restroom door. 

Eddie’s eyes widened as he took in who opened the door. Buck craned his neck back, internally scoffing as he saw it was Samuel. 

“Hey, sorry to interrupt. Eddie, I’m about to head out. I have an early meeting tomorrow morning. I wanted to stay and eat with you all, but I really shouldn’t be out this late,” Samuel said, eyes immediately taking in their shirtless figures. 

Buck was tempted to stand in front of Eddie, not wanting Samuel to see his shirtless form. He was the only one who could observe him in that unclothed state. Eddie was his and Samuel had no right to look at what was his. 

He was brought to a standstill as that possessive claim swept through his mind like an insistent trill. 

“Oh, did you at least get it packed to go?” Eddie cleared his throat, to break Samuel out of his staring. 

“Yeah, I already got it in a to-go box,” Samuel said, dropping his eyes from them. 

“Good, let me…wait a second. I’ll walk you out.”

“Okay, I’ll be out here,” Samuel replied, looking back at them one more time before he let the restroom door close behind him. 

Eddie zipped up his jacket and softly smiled at Buck, before heading out to follow Samuel. The door closed quietly behind Eddie, leaving Buck alone to himself…and the other occupant in the stall, who was still expelling every single bottle of alcohol he drank. 

Buck looked into the mirror. He took in his flushed cheeks and blown pupils. His eyes drew downward to the porcelain sink where his folded shirt rested. 

He shrugged on the rest of Eddie’s shirt. The tight material stretched over his shoulders. The shirts were similar, they had to be for the uniformity of their baseball game against the 133. Their station number was written in the space above their hearts and their last names were written on the lower half of their shirts, meant to mirror how it looked on their turnout coats. 

He tilted his body, craning his neck to see how Eddie’s last name rested on the lower half of the t-shirt. It felt like a claim, wearing the last name “Diaz.” There was a sense of belonging. He wondered if Eddie knew what he was doing by offering Buck his shirt and laying himself bare with only a jacket to cover himself. 

He wished that his shirt wasn’t stained with beer because what a sight it would have been to see his last name stretched across Eddie’s lower back. Part of him wanted to scrub his shirt with that antibacterial soap and ask Eddie to wear it. He took his dirty shirt and left the restroom. When he walked toward their table, he sat back down next to Tommy.

Buck placed his shirt on his lap and took a sip of his drink. He turned his head toward the bar’s entrance to see if Eddie had come in yet. He turned around, when he realized it might be a while before he returned. 

“Everything good?” Tommy questioned, drawing his attention back to him. He grabbed the spinach dip that Buck had ordered and dipped a chip into it, noisily chewing as he raised an eyebrow while waiting for Buck’s response.  His nose scrunched up at the taste, probably not used to the taste of vegan spinach dip. 

Buck would have warned him, if he knew that Tommy was going to be eating his food. However, he had mentioned he was full. He doubted that Tommy would want to share his food. He never did, but here he was putting a sizable dent in his spinach dip bowl. 

“Yeah, everything’s good. Eddie let me borrow his shirt,” Buck exclaimed. 

“Of course he did,” Tommy said, but it sounded mocking. 

Buck was about to call into question his tone, but was distracted as Eddie walked back to their table. Their eyes immediately met. Buck watched the tiny incremental shift of his lips rise into a smile, before smoothing out into a pleased and relaxed expression. 

Buck wanted to imagine it was because he saw the way his shirt fit his body. Now Buck was going to have a shirt fixation…or more importantly an Eddie shirt fixation. All of a sudden he wanted to raid his closet and see if that smile was a trick of the light or whether seeing Buck in his clothes caused that type of reaction. 

Buck loved testing theories. He stretched his arm out behind him, taking in with a low-simmering heat of satisfaction how Eddie’s eyes traveled across the expanse of his chest. He saw the way his eyes moved from side to side, pupils enlarging. He couldn’t blame that response as a trick of the light. 

Their table settled into light-hearted conversation, while they ate their meals. Buck thought he would have to call for the waiter to bring him another bowl of spinach dip. Then Eddie reached across the table, moving his own plate directly in front of Buck. Appreciatively, he nodded his head in thanks. 

He started eating off of Eddie’s plate, all the while noticing how Eddie had ordered some vegan options as part of his meal. Sure, they shared food more often than not. But it was usually Buck ordering vegan dishes for Eddie to try and not the other way around. However, he wasn’t going to bring questions to that, seeing as how he was now clearing Eddie’s plate. 

Their fingers brushed as Buck reached out to grab one of the chips in Eddie’s bowl. He ignored the twinge of disappointment as Eddie quickly removed his hand from the bowl as he waited for Buck to take a chip. 

He was about to order another drink, when Tommy turned toward him. He looked down at his watch and sighed tiredly. He levied a disappointed look on his face as though he was truly saddened to be leaving earlier than the rest of them. 

“I think it’s my time to head out too. I’m on call for the rest of the night and want to get a quick power-nap just in case. It was nice seeing you all again. Evan, walk me out?” Tommy questioned, already standing from his seat. 

Buck caught Maddie trying and failing to not roll her eyes in exasperation. He knew Maddie was trying to like Tommy on his behalf. He wondered if he should tell her it was okay to stop trying. In all fairness, Buck didn’t feel like trying anymore. 

He nodded and got up to follow Tommy outside. By now the weather had cooled down and it wasn’t unbearably hot. More cars were beginning to pour into the parking lot as the night grew on. Tommy stopped by his car and turned to lean against the driver’s door. 

He tilted his head to the side, curiously staring at Buck. He didn’t know what to do with the inquisitive stare. Buck didn’t even want to be out there, standing in front of Tommy’s car. He’d have much rather been back in the bar with his friends, seated right next to Eddie. And wasn’t that certainly a damning thought to think, when one was standing in front of their boyfriend. 

Buck chewed on the inside of his cheek, suddenly asking himself why he wanted to drag along something that should have been left behind weeks ago. Questions of why he was in this relationship, relentlessly beat at his mind. 

Recently, those thoughts kept him up most nights. He told himself he didn’t want to end a relationship because he was growing discontent. Surely, he needed more reasons to end a relationship. He also needed reasons to stay in a relationship and his list was blank. 

At first there was a certain novelty of taking this new leap and feeling chosen. After breaking up with Natalia, he wanted the chance to feel chosen for who he was — not someone’s idealized version of him that they were making-up in their minds. 

He had been chosen a lot and subsequently left behind. Being chosen wasn’t enough for him anymore. He wanted to be loved and desired, fully giving himself over to the other person and having the other person give themselves over to him. 

Abby had discarded him the moment she no longer needed his companionship. She had needed a friend, a confidant to cure her loneliness and abate her fears. It spiraled into romance, since those feelings of fear often inspired a need for affection.

Buck had been ready to give everything he had to her, but then she left. She left the moment she had gained everything she needed from him. She had seen what she lacked and took what she needed from Buck until her tank was full. She left Buck empty as he tried to figure out who he was, if not the person Abby made himself to be. 

Ali had decided Buck wasn’t enough for her to stay. Sure, she had used the excuse of his job being too dangerous. He thought he would have mattered more than his job. Guess not. 

Taylor was driven. Her drive came at the expense of Buck and the people Buck cared about. They tried piecing themselves back together, but their broken parts didn’t fit. 

Natalia had been laser-focused on Buck’s near death experience. Her interest had diminished, when Buck decided he didn’t want to continue discussing how close he was to dying. It wasn’t a conversation topic that needed to be brought up every single date. 

Tommy on the other hand…well. 

He was beginning to realize being with Tommy didn’t feel like being chosen at all. When he came over that night, something like hope fluttered in his chest. He brushed aside the vague idea, circulating in his mind, that this feeling was being mistakenly placed in a wrong spot. 

Tommy was right in front of him, opening a door he hadn’t even known existed — or rather it was a door that he had ignored until he turned to walk down that hallway.  

That night he had been led in by the chin and he allowed himself to fall into that open door. He didn’t see that there was another door toward the far end of the hallway, creaking open and letting a slither of golden light peak through. 

Later that night, once Tommy had left, he sat alone on his couch and thought for the first time if it was only Tommy. Had Tommy been the only one to inspire and bring forth those new feelings? No. There were other instances where he occasionally checked out a guy. He tried remembering all the other times that his gaze would linger, appreciatively noticing that a guy was attractive. 

His mind came to a screeching stop as Eddie’s face popped up in his mind. He shooed the thought away, believing that his face had only been brought to the core focus of his mind because of their close friendship.

However, he knew that to be untrue. 

Every time he closed his eyes he would see Eddie, but then his hands would draw up to his lips where only hours before Tommy had kissed him. 

It made Buck feel disoriented because he should have been delightfully recounting that moment in his head. He liked daydreaming up fantasies. Unfortunately, his mind was dictating his daydreams. He couldn’t plan out the plot to fit what actually happened. He would close his eyes and Tommy’s face would shift into Eddie. 

It was Eddie standing in front of him with his hand on Buck’s shoulder and a flirtatious glint of cockiness sparkling in his eyes. He was beckoning Buck to move nearer to him, narrowing the space between them until there noses touched. Then he would blink the image away, reminding himself that hadn’t happened. 

He questioned if somewhere down the line, the wires in his mind got switched as he tried fitting Tommy into the person he truly wanted to be with. He wondered why he had ever tried making this work. Tommy could never fulfill those expectations. It’d be unfair to think anyone could step onto the pedestal that Buck built for Eddie. 

Something in their personalities didn’t click and Buck found himself annoyed more often than not, when Tommy did something that he had first believed to be charming. He wasn’t in love with him and he wasn’t ever going to be. It would be unfair to continue this relationship, knowing his feelings had changed — had they ever existed at all. 

With the way Tommy was looking at him now, it seemed that he had already been clued into the fact that this was the end. Tommy leant back, arms crossed defensively over his chest. He peered over at Buck and let out a low sigh. 

“How long are we going to drag this on?” Tommy implored, voice growing rough at the edges. 

“Sorry?” Buck coughed. 

Tommy’s lips tilted in a dry smirk. “I doubt you’re all that sorry. At least you’re not sorry for having feelings for Eddie, right?”

Buck stared at him unflinchingly. He was right. Buck wasn’t going to apologize for having feelings for Eddie. The only thing he would apologize for is not breaking up with Tommy sooner. 

“Tommy, I didn’t mean to string you along or anything like that. Would you believe me, if I said I’m just figuring this out now?” Buck questioned, a wry grin making its way on his face. 

Tommy shrugged. “Honestly, part of me would have preferred if you had strung me along on purpose. Might’ve made it easier finding reasons not to blame you, when this inevitably fell apart.”

“Inevitably?” Buck asked, eyebrows scrunching up in confusion. “Wait, you knew? You knew that I liked Eddie? Why'd you get in a relationship with me, if you knew that?”

“I didn’t want to bring it up because we were having a good time. Thought I’d have you for the short time it took you to realize you liked Eddie. The longer it took, I started thinking that maybe I was wrong. Started to feel hopeful that it was my attention you were trying to get,” Tommy explained. 

Buck waited for him to continue. 

“Then I observed the way you are with him and…” Tommy trailed off. “From an outsider’s perspective you two are fairly obvious with the way you feel for each other. In my heart, I knew that there could be something between you two. I only hope you don’t get hurt in the process of finding out what that something is.”

Buck frowned, stepping back a few feet from Tommy. “Why would you think I’d get hurt?”

“Come on, kid. Eddie is an amalgamation of everything a person can potentially repress. That man looks like he has a lot to work through. He’s either one second from diving off a cliff or making a spur of the moment decision that he’ll explain away as a mistake. You sure you want to be waiting for him to deal with all of that? You're just asking to get hurt at that point,” Tommy scrutinized. 

Buck clenched his jaw, anger clawing at the back of his neck. That was another reason Buck wasn’t bereft over ending their relationship. Tommy had this condescending arrogance that would always irritate Buck. In addition, he hated the patronizing misuse of the word kid in reference to him. He hadn’t been a kid in a long time. 

“What?” Tommy chuckled. “I’m just trying to look out for you. I’ve had my fair share of experience and I thought I’d share my wisdom. ‘Cause if I’m being frank, he’s a mess right now. Anyone with eyes can see that he’s not okay. I don’t want you inadvertently being caught in the cross hairs.”

“Eddie is not a mess. He’s going through a rough time. I doubt I’d be handling things as well as he is, if I was in his position. Also you don’t know Eddie well enough to say what he is and isn’t repressing. You and no one else is in a position to judge him,” Buck snapped. 

Tommy held up his hands. “I’m only giving you advice. I just see a lot of guys fall for people who aren’t ready. A lot of the time, it isn’t worth it. I want to save you the heartache." 

“Appreciate the offer, but your advice isn’t needed. Eddie is worth everything and more to me,” Buck said, between gritted teeth. “Even if Eddie doesn’t feel the same, I'm happier being able to love him. If I can only ever love him, that would be enough.”

“You don’t have any expectations?” Tommy disbelieving scoffed. “You don’t want anything from him?”

“Oh, I have plenty of things I want from Eddie. I have so many dreams and desires that it would take me years to explain them in full detail. But my love for him isn’t based on the conditions that he has to give me something in return. Loving Eddie isn’t dependent on him loving me back.”

Buck’s brow furrowed as his own words ran away from him. He couldn’t remain silent as Tommy made disparaging remarks about Eddie. He couldn’t believe he had stayed with someone like him for so long. 

Tommy was saying Eddie wasn’t worth it? His eyes swelled up with tears because Buck was an angry crier. Anytime he felt overwhelmed with anger, emotion rose in the back of his throat and flowed out of his eyes. There was a visceral anger at the mere idea that someone would have the audacity to think Eddie would never be enough. 

Buck wanted Tommy to take back those words. A snarling beast made a home on his shoulder. Its claws tore into his shirt as it pushed him forward. He felt dangerous, like what he said next would pour over Tommy like lava. 

How could he have ever liked someone who talked down on the man that Buck loved with every part of his soul? How could he have been with someone so tragically naïve to believe that they were of more worth and value than Eddie? 

He restrained the scalding hot tears, not wanting Tommy to think he was crying over the end of their relationship. If anything, Buck was tempted to throw a party over their break-up. 

“Guess, if I had any doubts that this was over, you just answered them,” Tommy dryly stated. 

“I’m glad you don’t have any doubts. And you were right. There’s no sense in dragging things along. Personally, if I’m being frank,” Buck said, throwing his own words back to him. “I don’t think we would have worked out even if I didn’t like Eddie. Don’t think there’s a world out there, in which I would have ever chosen to stay with you. We could be the last person on earth and I still would have never chosen you.”

Tommy pursed his lips into a straight line, nodding twice at Buck and then he turned away. He paused with his hand on his door handle. 

“He’s going to break your heart. I might be kind enough to answer your call, when he does,” Tommy said, closing the door since he childishly wanted to have the last word. Maybe Buck should have been calling him kid, given his behavior. 

Buck’s heart was fine. He was not at risk of having his heart broken. It was being kept safe all the way back in the bar, directly where Eddie was sitting. 

He watched Tommy pull out of the parking lot, before turning to head back into the bar. 

He thought about going into the restroom and wetting a paper towel with cold water, so it would get rid of evidence that he had cried. Unfortunately, the restroom was past their table. His friends would see him the moment he passed them. 

Instead of going to the restroom, he went straight to their table. He hated how they grew silent as they took in his appearance. He didn’t want them jumping to conclusions or thinking that something had gone bad. Well, it went bad, but not for the reasons they were sure to think of. 

“I think I just broke up with Tommy. No, I did break up with Tommy,” Buck corrected, sitting back down in his seat. He took a sip of his water that had long since grown lukewarm. All of the ice had melted in the time it took for Buck to walk out the bar and come back to his seat. 

“Buck,” Maddie gently placated. “What happened?”

He took in their varying looks of confusion. He could imagine they were surprised. He knew they would want to know what had happened to lead to a break-up in the timespan it took to walk him to his car and return to their table. 

“I hope you didn’t make this decision based on our feelings,” Hen concerningly stated. 

All of them had given varying words of advice, in regard to his and Tommy’s relationship. He appreciated hearing from them. In many ways, it further solidified that he was right in believing that Tommy wasn’t right for him. Buck had listened to them, but at the end of the day it was his decision. 

“No, I think I was holding onto something that had reached its expiration date weeks ago. But then hearing everything tonight made the decision easier,” Buck explained, tearing at the napkin he had set aside on his way out. “I was worried you all would think here goes Buck in and out of a relationship again.”

“Oh, honey we wouldn’t think that,” Karen said, reaching over to grab his hands between hers. .  

“He was a nice guy,” Buck muttered under his breath, lying to them because it seemed better than telling the truth and explaining why Tommy was anything, but nice. His quick glance to Maddie told him that he wasn’t good at lying. 

“Is nice all you want? Is nice enough for you?” Hen implored, pushing her glasses up as they moved down the bridge of her nose. 

Buck paused, carefully thinking about his answer. There were a lot of nice people in the world. If nice was the only thing he was searching for, he could have found someone to settle down with years ago. He wanted more than nice. 

He wanted Eddie. 

“No, it's not enough. I just think I was waiting so long for someone to fill this space I’ve been carving out that I got impatient. I thought anyone could fit into that specific mold and rushed to see if they fit. As long as they were nice, I’d continue to let them try.”

Buck paused, crossing his arms over his chest. He leaned back in his chair. Leather crinkled behind his shoulders as he tried to sit comfortably. 

“Other times, I'd chip away at the space I carved. I would break it apart and try to reshape it to the person I met. I did that with Tommy. Part of me wanted to use old clay and reuse it to fit someone whom I thought I could grow to maybe not love, but have a good life with. I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“Buck, you don’t have to try making something work because you think it should,” Karen advised. 

“I know that now. I think I saw how close Tommy was to fitting into that space that I didn’t pay much attention to the cracks, when they first appeared as he tried working himself into that hollowed space of clay,” Buck replied, trying to explain it in a way that was easily discerned. 

He looked at Eddie, who was staring at him unblinkingly. It was disconcerting to have that narrowed focus on him, but it lit up a hearth of fire in his chest. He wanted Eddie to continue searching him out, analyzing the subliminal messages in his words. It was like he was sending out a beacon of light that only Eddie should respond to. 

His attention shifted from Eddie as Maddie leaned over to put her hand on his arm. She soothingly ran her hand down his arm, brown eyes full of an open vulnerability and kindness that only she would know he needed in the moment. 

“It’s okay that you’re figuring this out now. Some people stay in relationships, simply because it’s good. But you deserve more than good,” Maddie professed. “You’ll find someone who changes your world completely in the most beautiful and loving way. Like me and Chimney.”

Chimney kissed her on the cheek as a response. Buck smiled warmly at the two of them. 

“Or me and Karen,” Hen added, pulling Karen closer into her side. 

“I’m still single. But yeah…love this my captain, my captain moment,” Ravi grinned, holding his drink up in a mock cheer. 

“You’ll know, when you know,” Maddie smiled. 

Buck longingly looked up at Eddie, shoulders dropping as tension released from his body. His eyes stayed on him, before he turned to smile at Maddie. “I already know.”

“You do?” Karen excitedly chimed, leaning forward to rest her elbows on the table. 

“I’ve already hollowed out the perfect space, the perfect vase to put my love into and watch it bloom. The name has already been carved onto it,” Buck softly confessed, voice taking on a devoted and yearning lilt. "This time I'm letting it be. I won't alter the vase anymore because it's theirs." 

He placed the napkin, that he had torn to shreds, on his empty plate and pushed it aside. He crossed his arms over his chest and lowered his eyes to the table. He became shy at baring himself in front of his friends, but some part of him wanted to do so in front of an audience. There was a gravity in revealing his feelings. Had it only been him and Eddie at this table, he might not have gathered the courage. 

But between Maddie’s encouraging nod and Hen’s supportive smile, he thought he could reveal pieces of himself to be taken in by Eddie. 

Buck continued speaking, looking back down at the table as he said, “I’ve made a very unique vase, where only their flowers will thrive. I just need to be patient and wait for them. It’s not their season yet, but I feel it will be soon. Even if it isn’t, I’d wait an eternity and then some for them.”

Karen swooned into Hen’s arms. She threw her hands against her cheek and began waving herself. “I think my heart fluttered.”

He looked over at Eddie and was disappointed to see how serious he looked. 

He knew Eddie might have been confused, but Eddie was looking at him like he had swallowed a kiwi. And yes, Buck knew the saying was, “Looked like you swallowed a lemon.” However, that saying did not account for Eddie who could actually eat lemons like a champ for some odd reason. 

Buck had watched in horror one day, when Eddie began peeling back lemon slices and popped them into his mouth as though it was candy. Now kiwi on the other hand...Eddie couldn’t stand kiwi. It wouldn’t even make it past his lips, before his nose scrunched up. 

Buck stared at him, trying to communicate with him in ways that only they could. Unfortunately, Eddie quickly smoothed out his expression to one of nonchalance. Buck wondered, when was Eddie going to stop pretending he couldn’t read him. Buck might not have known what emotions were flitting all over his mind, but he could see that he was bothered by whatever Buck had said. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts, when Maddie snickered next to his ear. 

“That is interesting,” Maddie said, taking a slow sip of her drink and then shared a look with Hen. 

Hen returned her smile. “Interesting indeed.”

Maddie clasped her hands in a praying position and held her head toward the ceiling. Hen clapped, laughing loudly at the action. Karen looked on with veiled amusement. 

Buck laughed bashfully, cheeks brightening to a pink flush. He scratched at the back of his neck. His heart felt settled. He knew his friends were smart. He knew they had a burgeoning inkling that Buck was more than likely talking about Eddie. 

He saw the conspiratorial gazes Maddie and Hen shared. He had seen the two of them text each other, when they thought no one at their table was looking. He heard their texts ping as one phone was set down and the other was brought up. They weren’t being very subtle about things. Buck would let them have their fun for now.

“Well, cheers to being single at least until you find that person,” Karen cheered, raising her drink in the air and ignoring the two women who couldn’t control their giggling. 

“Cheers,” Buck said, raising his glass to clink against the others. 

Eventually, all of them grew restless in their seats as drinks began pouring endlessly into their cups. At some point Karen and Hen pulled him out onto the dance floor. He reached out for Eddie, to pull him alongside him. However, Karen already had such a tight grip on his arm and he was in a sea of dancing bodies, before he could even say, “Dance.”

The night continued on and Buck grew increasingly excited. A weight had been lifted off his shoulders and hope tasted sweet on his tongue. People came up to him, offering to buy him a drink. He would deny the offer saying he didn’t take drinks from strangers, but didn’t mind them offering a dance instead. 

He danced with a lot of people, spinning and being spun into different dance partners’ embraces. He laughed joyously as the DJ changed to an upbeat tempo. Hen whispered in his ear, before she and Karen left the dance floor. He nodded in acknowledgment, even though he had no idea what she said. 

He continued dancing, stopping only to stare at Eddie as the crowd parted and led a line straight to him. Blue and purple lights played alongside his skin, illuminating dark shadows as his expression turned into something speculative and heated. 

Buck wanted to walk that line and see if the look tasted as hot as it felt. Then he felt a hand tentatively reach out to pat him on his shoulder and a loud voice ask him to dance. 

He turned around, moving his head halfway to catch the quick way Eddie’s eyes turned down to his last name on Buck’s back. Buck felt a roaring thrill of victory. He’d get his name tattooed on his back, if that’s what it took for Eddie to look at him like that. 

He wrapped his hands around his dance partner’s waist, while maintaining eye contact with Eddie. He slid his hands down, just shy of dipping lower than her waist. He turned her around to where her back would face his chest. Eddie’s eyes narrowed, mouth growing taut with tension. 

Buck knew he was playing with fire. He wanted to be lit aflame by Eddie’s attention. 

He whispered some nonsensical things in the woman’s ear. It didn’t matter what he said because he doubted she could hear it in the midst of the loud music. He was tipsy enough to think he might have been going through his grocery list. But Eddie didn’t need to know that as his mouth drew down along her ear and then to her neck. 

Buck had watched Samuel be in Eddie’s space all day long. He had held himself back as much as he could, while thinking up all of the ways to get Eddie’s attention back on him. 

Buck had fun with their game of pool, but now it was time to really have fun and play. His hand splayed along the expanse of the woman’s waist and toward her stomach, pressing her further back into him. He stared at Eddie, eyes beckoning him to come over and slide into the woman’s space and take his rightful place in Buck’s arms. 

He looked up and saw that Eddie had turned away. Buck sniffed in disappointment as the song ended and the woman stepped away, thanking him for the dance before heading back to her table of friends. Another person came up to Buck, asking to dance. Buck stepped further into the dance circle as the man guided Buck by a hand to his upper back. 

Buck continued this repetitive cycle of dancing and heading back to the bar to grab another drink. Sometimes Eddie would motion him over to take a few sips of water. He let the night fall away from him as his body grew loose and languid. He was growing tired, but he was having so much fun. It had been a while since he had fun.

 A lot of the dates he and Tommy went on tended to be very low-key. Tommy did plan a lot of dates at boring places. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed, before Eddie was moving in the thrum of people dancing. Buck perked up, thinking that maybe Eddie was finally going to dance with him. His hands were outstretched, ready for Eddie to fall into them. He’d be such a good dance partner. He bet Samuel didn’t know how to dance. So what if he knew all those line dances. Buck would really show Eddie how it was to dance. 

He blinked his eyes open, slapping his face to try and wake himself up. Eddie was about to dance with him. He needed to be awake and show off his best dance moves. He began moving his arms around, imagining he was in a music video. Yeah, that was the vibe he was going for. 

Eddie walked toward him. His journey was made easy with how the crowd had grown smaller as it grew later in the night. Buck blinked open his eyes, almost having to hold them up by his hands. He was not sleepy. He needed maybe a five second nap and then he’d be ready to dance. 

He kept moving because in his mind as long as he stayed in motion, he wouldn’t fall asleep. He wiped away at the sweat gathering on his neck, brought on by the lights directly over the dance floor. 

He tried moving closer to Eddie. Unfortunately, his legs began to buckle underneath him. A hand shot out to keep him from falling and he thanked whoever it was that helped him. He laughed at his clumsiness, grateful that he hadn’t fallen. Imagine their first dance ruined because Buck had dropped down onto the sticky dance floor. 

Eddie tapped Buck on his shoulder. 

Finally, he shouted in his head. It’s about time you asked me to dance. 

Buck turned back around, having thanked the person who saved him from falling. He smiled, seeing Eddie stand in front of him. 

“Are you ready to head out?” Eddie questioned, while the bar owner was doing last calls. 

That was not the question I wanted you to ask, he mulishly groaned to himself. 

Buck tilted his head to the side, body swaying in either direction. He let the question linger and then nodded his head. It probably was time for him to go home. Besides, he wanted his first dance with Eddie to be somewhere special. He already had a song picked out that he wanted to play. Sadly, the DJ was no longer taking requests, so that plan was ruined for the night.

He was led back to their table by Eddie’s hand on his wrist. Buck smiled dopily at all the other patrons in the bar, pointing to himself and Eddie like they were leaving together.

He wanted to leave everyone with the impression that no one else was going to be going home with Eddie. He saw their gazes leer openly at Eddie. He was not going to give them an inch so that they could take a mile. 

Eddie stopped at their table and Buck leaned over the back of one of their chairs. All of a sudden, he wanted nothing more than to go home and go to sleep. Maybe he could convince Eddie to stay the night or even better he could go to Eddie’s. Then he could finesse his way into staying over there until their next shift. 

He began making plans, mouth tilting upward in a devious smirk. His plan was definitely coming to fruition. 

“Where’d everyone else go?” Buck sleepily mumbled, noticing for the first time that everyone else was gone. Had Eddie only stayed behind for him? Yeah, now he was definitely plotting on somehow getting Eddie to take him home and convince him to stay. He was so tired of sleeping alone.

“They left a little while ago,” Eddie explained as he led the both of them out to his truck. “Chimney drove your car back to his place. Didn’t want to leave it here overnight. I’ll drive you to their house tomorrow, so you can pick it up.”

Buck nodded, head already tilting down to his chest to hide his smile. He didn’t have to do all the steps he had in his plan. Oh, this was too easy. 

He got into Eddie’s truck and had a little trouble with his belt buckle. Okay, maybe he was more than tipsy. Thankfully, he had Eddie. Eddie buckled him into his seat and then closed the passenger door. Buck followed him as he walked in front of the car toward the driver’s side. 

His eyes fell shut as Eddie rolled down the windows in the car. He was just going to close his eyes for a few seconds and then he’d wake up. 

Buck woke up later to Eddie gently shaking his arm. Buck blinked open his eyes. He winced at the dryness in his mouth. Eddie helped him get out of the car, once he realized that the drinks had fully hit Buck. 

Buck would apologize in the morning for how unhelpful he was in Eddie’s pursuit to get Buck into his house and ready for bed. Eddie led him to his room and Buck was half-awake to realize that he should’ve just plopped him down on the couch. But he wasn’t going to say anything because Eddie was trying to get Buck undressed. 

Buck could have provided some assistance, but he didn’t want to take off Eddie’s shirt. So Eddie wasn’t getting help from him. He’d stitch that shirt to his body, if he could. Unfortunately, Buck underestimated Eddie’s willpower. Even without the additional help from Buck, Eddie was able to take off his shirt. 

Buck pouted down at the shirt, promising it that he would collect it tomorrow from the floor and take it home with him. He’d tell Eddie he wanted to wash it and then Buck would never return it.

Eddie tried putting him in another shirt, but if it didn’t have the last name, Diaz, written on it. He didn’t want another shirt, at least not right then. 

Buck found himself, lying diagonally on the bed. His legs could no longer support his body. Eddie had such a nice bed. It was so comfortable. He must’ve invested in a new mattress. He would have to ask Eddie where he bought it. There was a rough feeling on his cheek, but he ignored it in favor of trying to get comfortable. 

“Come on, Buck. You have to help me out a little here,” Eddie groaned from underneath the weight of Buck’s body. 

And oh, that’s where Eddie went. His jacket zipper was the rough feeling on Buck’s cheek. He had finally gotten situated into a nice comfortable position. He wasn’t moving for anybody. He turned his cheek over to nuzzle at Eddie’s chest. His shoulders did a happy shimmy as he hummed in the back of his throat. 

Buck reached out and wrapped his arms around Eddie like he would do to his pillow. He let out a low discontented sound, as Eddie pushed at his shoulders. He clung onto him tighter, hands grasping at his jacket. 

He tiredly blinked up at him. He stared at Eddie for a few seconds and then closed his eyes, slumping back down on Eddie’s chest. Eddie moved his arm from underneath Buck’s chest, indirectly causing Buck to fall more on top of him. 

He leaned into Eddie’s touch as his fingers began tracing the outline of his face. His hand stopped at his cheek, thumb caressing his face with a feather-light tenderness. Buck breathed slowly through his nose, fearful that if he breathed too loudly Eddie would move away. 

“You have to let me up, Buck,” Eddie whispered. 

“Why?” Buck questioned, laying his head down on Eddie’s palm. 

“Because I’d like to go to sleep. And you need some rest to sleep off all those drinks you had,” Eddie stated, lowering his hand from Buck’s cheek to push at his shoulder. 

This time Buck allowed the direction. Buck watched Eddie switch out of his jacket and pants, in exchange for sweats he had cut into shorts. He turned around to tell him goodnight, but Buck didn’t want him far from his sight. He wanted him beside him, right where he belonged. 

Eddie gently tucked him back into bed and moved to step away, once Buck was wrapped in his bedsheets. He turned away, poised to go to the couch. Had Buck been sober, he wouldn’t have allowed the panic he felt to dictate his actions. But as it was, his inhibitions were lowered and he felt himself reach out to grab Eddie’s hand. 

“What Buck?” Eddie questioned. 

“I can’t go to sleep.” 

“You haven’t even closed your eyes and tried yet. Trust me as soon as you do, you’ll be asleep in a few seconds,” Eddie consoled. 

Buck shook his head. “No…what if — what if I don’t wake up?”

Eddie frowned at him “You will.”

“What if I don’t?” Buck asked and he hated the way his voice cracked. He turned his face away as Eddie moved to sit by him. He ran his fingers through Buck’s hair, the gesture far more comforting than what Buck deserved. 

“Hey, where’s this coming from?” Eddie gently implored. 

Buck turned away, pulling the sheets up to his chin. 

“Buck,” Eddie mumbled in a hushed tone. 

“Can you just…stay? Please, for tonight. I…I need you to stay,” he confessed in the comfort of cotton sheets, hiding himself from Eddie’s curious gaze. He didn’t want to tell Eddie why he was so scared of waking up alone. On any other day, he would be fine. 

Eddie pulled back the covers, fingers meeting Buck’s where he had a tight hold on the sheets. Buck’s shoulders were drawn tight and he felt his ears grow warm. 

“I haven’t been getting good sleep,” Buck honestly confessed, giving in a little while also holding back enough to not warrant Eddie worrying about him. “ I’m scared to go to sleep, but sleep is so good when you’re here. I don’t get scared of waking up and finding out you’re gone.”

That wasn’t holding back at all. He didn’t mean to say all of that. Why was he speaking so much? 

“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” Eddie promised.

“Then stay,” Buck breathed. His eyes closed from the weight of exhaustion and the need to shield himself from the one person who could see past all of the things Buck sought to hide. 

“Always,” Eddie quietly soothed. 

Buck wanted to pull Eddie close to him and wrap himself around his body. He had to be content with sleeping in his bed. He couldn't ask for more than this. Finally, he fell asleep with the comfort of knowing Eddie wasn’t going anywhere. 

The next morning, Buck woke up to an alarm blaring loudly in his ear. He felt more than he saw Eddie extracting himself from bed.  Sheets rustled as he swung his legs to the floor. Buck blinked his eyes open, watching as Eddie moved throughout his room. 

Buck closed his eyes as he listened to Eddie close the bathroom door. He heard the shower turn on and was lulled to sleep by Eddie’s quiet singing. Eddie woke him up an hour later, shaking him by the shoulders. 

“Time to get up, Buck.”

Buck groaned and pulled the covers over his head. There was no way he was leaving this bed anytime soon. This was way too comfortable of a spot to be dragged away from. He tightened his grasp on the sheets, in case Eddie tried pulling them down. 

He did exactly that, but Buck was too quick for him. He turned around on his side, causing the sheets to be pulled along with him. Eddie sighed and shook Buck by the shoulders. 

“Come on, Buck. I need to drop you off at Maddie’s, so you can get your jeep. I’m going to roll you off the bed, if you don’t get up,” Eddie avowed, sitting down on the bed and lightly pressing his hand to the center of Buck’s spine.

No one was none the wiser as to why Buck leant back into the touch, even though Eddie was threatening to push him off the bed. After a few seconds of the push and pull, Buck threw the covers off his face and narrowed his eyes at Eddie who was now standing up. 

“Time to get up, sleepyhead. If you want to take a shower, before I drop you off at Maddie’s you should take one now. I have to leave in an hour or so,” Eddie said, looking down at his watch. 

“Where are you going?” Buck groggily questioned. He sat up in the bed, rubbing his eyes to get rid of the dryness. 

Eddie shuffled on his feet where he stood, causing Buck to sit up straighter until his back was pressed parallel to Eddie’s headboard. Eddie looked down at his watch, not answering Buck’s question. He glanced back up, seeing that Buck wasn’t going to let his curiosity be deterred. 

“I’m meeting up with Samuel for lunch,” Eddie reminded him. 

Buck tilted his head curiously. Then he remembered that Eddie and Samuel had made lunch plans at the bar. He crossed his arms over his chest, giving a cursory inhale of the cologne Eddie was wearing. 

Bergamot and mahogany. 

The corner of his lip went up in a small smirk, knowing that he wasn’t wearing what Buck had deemed as Eddie’s date cologne. Buck was thrilled that Eddie wasn’t using his date cologne, since it had been specifically made for him. 

Buck had gone to a perfume boutique called Marine Redolence. He found himself bored one night and was looking through his loft’s shared calendar that kept all the occupants informed about community events and activities. Apparently, one of his neighbors, Jasmine, owned the boutique and was having a grand opening. She had invited all who wanted to come for a complimentary perfume. 

Buck knew Eddie tended to gravitate toward woodsy and earthy scents, in spite of keeping all the samples from perfumes and colognes that had more floral and sweet scents. There was one time Buck caught him talking to a department store salesperson, who was spraying Eddie’s wrist with one of their perfumes that was on sale. 

The smell lingered on Eddie’s wrist for hours and Buck would occasionally see him discreetly lift his hand to smell the lightly scented aroma of wild strawberries and sandalwood. Buck took in the pleased smile. He also knew that Eddie kept a few of those .10 ounce perfume samples hidden away in his bathroom drawer. 

Buck had looked at the various scents in the boutique. Jasmine extensively helped him in making a nice smelling cologne that would fit Eddie perfectly. He diligently made the cologne, choosing cedarwood as the base note, red velvet rose as the middle note, and vine peach as the top note. Eddie liked scents that had an underlying layer of sweetness. 

Buck had been pleased with the woodsy and floral scent, with an undertone of a fruity scent. Jasmine let him make another one, since she said his enthusiasm made her feel confident in opening her shop to the public. Buck had made another one with Eddie in mind. That one had scents of sandalwood, vanilla, and red berries. 

When Buck had given the colognes to him as a birthday present, he fumbled his words and chose not to explain that he had made them himself. He didn’t know why he lied and said that he had bought one of the colognes and gotten the other 25% off in a clearance sale. Actually he did know why he lied. He was afraid that Eddie wouldn’t like the cologne and pretended he did, in order to not make Buck feel bad. 

But then Eddie had taken such a liking to the colognes, especially the first one that Buck made. Unfortunately, he had made such a good cologne that Eddie set it aside as his date cologne. Buck may have thrown himself a bit too close to the sun. Now he had to send Eddie off wearing his cologne, as he went on dates with people who were not him. 

Buck had originally wanted to invite Eddie to Jasmine’s perfume boutique, but he had been on a date with Marisol. Buck went by himself, since Natalia had been busy with work. 

Buck hadn’t minded. He had done a lot of things by himself.  

He had simply grown accustomed to doing everything with Eddie. 

He had gotten used to Eddie standing beside him as they went to different arboretums, museums, restaurants, etc. He enjoyed watching Eddie develop a growing interest in things he hadn’t even known would fascinate him. 

Eddie had confided in him one day that he didn’t have a lot of time to venture out and try different things. He had gone straight to the military, after high school. Then he was busy making sure he was able to provide for Christopher.  

Buck knew he would never take the time out for himself to try new things, even if things were to slow down a bit. In knowing that, Buck made it a point to plan some fun activities around things that might have interested Eddie. Eventually, Eddie started sending Buck suggestions about where they should go. 

Sometimes Christopher would come along and they would make a day out of going to different places. Christopher would also make suggestions, whenever he saw a cool place that he thought they would enjoy. 

Buck especially liked the amount of closeness he and Eddie had, whenever they hung out. Buck loved the way their arms would brush up against each other as they walked side by side. He liked how Eddie would put his arm over his shoulder, guiding him to whatever caught his attention. He liked Eddie’s tendency to sometimes reach out and hold onto his shirt, whenever they got in crowded areas.  

If he had been going to those places alone, he would have quickly gone through the venues. His body could never really rest in one spot for long. His mind was several miles ahead of him and he had to catch up to his next thought. 

Buck always moved fast, constantly wanting to be in a state of movement. Eddie made him want to slow down, set a leisurely pace and take in everything with a sort of reverent yearning of time. Eddie would reach out and grab his shirt or belt loop, unknowingly causing Buck to slow down his steps. There was no need to rush. 

Eddie reminded him that it was okay to slow down. He had even told him that it was okay to rest, when he noticed Buck was taking on far more than he could handle. Sleep had always been a point of contention for him, especially after he woke from his coma. The first few nights, after he returned from the hospital, Buck could not go to sleep. 

He had only been able to sleep in three hours a day. Those hours were shortened, when he woke up in a disorienting panic. Maddie had been there one of the nights he woke up screaming and choking on sobs. In part, that was the reason Maddie had sent everybody to check on him and see if he looked like he had been sleeping. 

He was so terrified that he would go to sleep and not wake up again. He would have to live inside that dream where he didn’t have Eddie. Everyone had made an appearance, but Eddie was simply gone. 

Dealing with the nightmare of Eddie being lost to him was hard for Buck.  

He never admitted it to Eddie, but he found himself able to sleep without any difficulty, whenever he was around. When he fell asleep on Eddie’s couch, trying to get away from Maddie and her rolling shift of “Buck check-ins” that had been the first time Buck had slept for more than five hours at a time. 

Sleep was made easier with Eddie. 

That’s why he was finding it so hard to get out of a bed that was warm from the combined body heat of Buck and Eddie — though Eddie’s side was growing cold with how long it had been since he got out of bed. 

“Buck?” Eddie softly broke him out of his spiraling thoughts. “Are you okay? I could call Samuel and reschedule lunch for something later. You’re starting to look a little pale.”

Eddie sat down and reached out a hand to check his temperature. Buck's face grew warmer the closer Eddie gravitated toward him. 

“You feel a little warm,” Eddie worriedly said, hands pressing against his cheek and then his neck. 

Buck grabbed his hand and pushed it down. He stared at their hands, noting the difference in complexion and softness. Eddie’s hands were cold in his, a stark contrast to how warm Buck’s own body ran. Reluctantly, Buck moved his hand to push the covers off his body as he started getting up. Eddie moved away from him, so he could put his legs over the bed and onto the ground. 

“No, I’ll be fine. I’m just hungover and tired. I can take a nap at Maddie’s and maybe sleep off this hangover, before I head home,” Buck replied. 

Eddie looked at him like he didn’t believe Buck. 

“Seriously, I’m fine. I’m probably pale because I’m five seconds away from expelling all of the alcohol I consumed,” Buck lied. 

He was hungover, but he was nowhere near nauseous. Eddie had consistently waved him over to take some sips of water, in between his drinks. 

“Okay, you brush your teeth. I’ll grab you some water and Tylenol. Then we can head out,” Eddie said, standing back up. “And you sure you’re okay? Do you need any crackers? I think I might have a sleeve of saltine crackers. I can check.”

Buck nodded his head. “Yeah, that’ll be nice.”

He went into the bathroom and began brushing his teeth. He took a look at himself in the mirror and winced at his reflection. He definitely didn’t hold back at all yesterday night. He grabbed a hand towel and poured some warm water on it, so he could get rid of the grime from last night. Once satisfied, he went back out into Eddie’s room and searched for a shirt to wear. 

He saw that Eddie had set out on his dresser a spare shirt for him to wear. Buck held the shirt up and realized that it was one of his that he had probably left over at Eddie’s one day. He slid the shirt on and made sure to grab his phone and wallet, before heading out of Eddie's room. 

The more Buck woke up, the more exhausted he felt. Sleepily, he accepted the bottle of water and Tylenol medicine from Eddie. He walked out to the truck and grabbed the sunglasses Eddie kept in his glove compartment. He pushed his seat back as Eddie got in on the other side of the truck. 

Buck decided he would take a short nap, until they made it to Maddie’s. A short nap felt like seconds, once Eddie woke him up. 

“We’re here,” Eddie alerted him, as he shifted his car into park. 

Buck nodded, letting out a yawn. 

“Man, you really need some sleep,” Eddie laughed.

Buck agreed, stretching his arms out in front of him and hearing his elbows pop. Eddie winced at him. Buck smiled teasingly, knowing Eddie didn’t like when Buck popped his elbows. He was always concerned he was one pop away from somehow causing his elbow to break. 

“Have fun at lunch,” Buck said, biting his tongue once he heard how sarcastic that came across. “Umm, thanks for dropping me off. Are we still good for dinner later?”

Eddie tilted his head to the side, eyes searching out his as Buck tried everything in his power not to directly look at him. 

“Yeah, we’re still good for dinner,” Eddie slowly said, probably wondering why Buck sounded sarcastic. 

“Okay, good,” Buck smiled, unbuckling his seatbelt. “Tell Samuel I said hi.”

Then he raced out of the car, not even glancing back as he closed the door. 

Tell Samuel I said hi ? 

What if Buck threw himself into Maddie’s rose bushes right then and there? That would be less embarrassing. He rang the doorbell and wished Maddie would quickly answer. She didn’t have work today, so she should already be at home. 

Maddie opened the door and Buck almost sprinted inside. However, he turned back around where Eddie was waiting for Maddie to open the door and let Buck inside the house. Buck waved at him and walked into the house. 

He immediately threw his body down on the couch and groaned into the couch cushion. He was too grown to throw a tantrum over Eddie meeting up with Samuel for lunch. He turned his head to the side, noticing his niece was looking at him with an unimpressed stare. 

Great, he kept reaching new lows. Now he was being judged by a child. 

“Hey, Jee. What are you watching?” he asked. 

Jee paused whatever show she was watching on Maddie’s iPad. Okay, that might’ve stung a bit. She didn’t need to act like he was bothering her. He was about to apologize for interrupting her show, when she set down her iPad and walked over to him. 

She narrowed her eyes at him and poked him on his cheek. He frowned at the gesture, confused as to why his niece kept poking his face. She stepped away, expression wide with alarm. 

“Momma!” Jee loudly screamed. 

Maddie came into the living room, running like the heels of her feet were on fire. Her eyes immediately sought out Jee, trying to see what was wrong. Jee went back to poking Buck, almost scratching his eye in the process. 

“Uncle Buck looks sick,” Jee exclaimed. She began stepping away from him like he was contagious. 

And okay…that was a little hurtful coming from someone who was nursed back to health by aforementioned Uncle Buck. 

Maddie turned an amused look to Buck, mouth twitching up in amusement. “Oh, Uncle Buck does look sick. Doesn’t he? Think he might have had something to drink that messed up his stomach.”

He looked at Maddie in betrayal. 

Jee nodded like she was happy her conclusions were confirmed. “I’ll be back!”

Maddie and Buck watched Jee run to her room. Oh, well. He might as well accept his fate. She wouldn’t be able to reach the medicine cabinet. So at least he wouldn’t have to take any of that nasty kid’s Tylenol. 

Part of him wondered whether Jee already knew the lessons of payback. Was she getting payback for the time he had her take Tylenol, when she was sick? Surely, children didn’t learn lessons of revenge so soon. But Buck wouldn’t put it above Chimney to teach that lesson. 

Maddie sat down by him, as she waited for Jee to return. Buck glanced up to see Maddie raising an eyebrow at him. Great, he had one family member who was looking at him as though he had the flu. Then he had another family member looking at him like she was trying her best to tame a wild boar. 

“What?” Buck questioned, wanting Maddie to say whatever was on her mind. 

“Nothing. I didn’t say anything,” Maddie denied. 

“You have that weird look on your face.”

“What weird look?”

Buck pointed at her, gesturing to her expression. “That look!”

“Buck, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m assuming I have a very natural expression on my face,” Maddie sniffed. 

“No, you don’t. You have that look on your face that basically says you want to talk about something, but you don’t know how the other person is going to take it. So you stay silent. See there’s that look again!” Buck exclaimed.  “Say what’s on your mind. You scrunch your face up anymore, your face will get permanently stuck like that.”

“Fine. I’m wondering how you’re doing with the break-up. You broke up with Tommy, then you danced and drank the night away, which is perfectly fine. I knew Eddie would make sure you stayed safe. I guess I want to know how you’re really feeling, in the morning after.”

“Great,” Buck said. 

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t lie to you about this Maddie. I was serious last night, when I said me and Tommy’s personalities didn’t fit. We probably wouldn’t have made it to the end of this summer.” 

“Hmm, and it helps, when you already have someone else you can turn your attention toward,” Maddie suspiciously hinted. 

Before Buck could say anything in response, Jee was stepping in front of him and pushing a juice box in his face. 

“Drink,” she commanded, as she took out her toy med-kit that Maddie had bought her. “Drink the juice.”

Buck punched the straw into the pouch, taking a few sips of the apple juice. Meanwhile Jee was busy taking out her purple and mint green toy stethoscope. Maddie smirked, directing Jee to listen to Buck’s heart. Buck didn’t know if toy stethoscopes actually had that ability. He stayed still as Jee continued to check him. 

Jee sighed sadly and put the toy stethoscope back in her kit. She turned a serious glance to him and hung her head down. She brought her hands to his face and gently caressed his forehead. 

“Momma,” Jee said, sighing with all the seriousness one her age should not have. “He’s not going to make it through the night. I’ve done all I can.” 

Buck sputtered out a disagreement as Jee began to comfort him. He set down his juice box as he began choking. Jee seemed to think his choking was only a result of his sickness. She shook her head at him. She grabbed his juice box out of his hands, since his grip on it had loosened in his shock from Dr. Jee’s prognosis. 

He looked to Maddie for help because what in the world was happening right now? Did Jee know something he didn’t? 

“Uncle Buck is going to make it. He’ll be fine in no time.” Then to Buck she said, “Sorry, I think this little one is pretending to be asleep, when I’m catching up on Grey’s Anatomy. Honey, Uncle Buck is going to be just fine. See, Uncle Buck is going to prove it to you.”

Jee looked at her disbelievingly. “How?”

Maddie raised an eyebrow at him and Buck stared right back at her. How was he going to prove that Jee’s sudden and quick prognosis was wrong?

“Uncle Buck is going to do a few push-ups to prove how strong he is,” Maddie said, flexing her arms. “Isn’t he?”

Buck shot a betrayed look to his sister. He fell onto her couch not even minutes ago and now she expected him to do some push-ups to prove to his niece that he was going to make it through the night? 

“A hundred push ups!” Jee shouted, clapping her hands. 

“A…a hundred?” Buck stuttered.

“A hundred,” Jee agreed, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Doctor’s orders,” Maddie laughed. 

“Doctor’s orders,” Jee repeated. 

“Doctor’s orders,” Buck lethargically mumbled. 

He moved from the couch and began doing push-ups, spurred on by Jee’s diligent counting. When he was finally done, he thought Jee had been right in her original assessment. He wasn’t going to make it through the night. 

“I think I’m actually going to be sick,” Buck winced, moving his trembling body back to her couch, when he had completed his push-ups. 

“If you do, please don’t be sick on my couch. Chimney just bought this and we’re hoping that it’ll last for at least ten years,” Maddie warned. 

Buck waved her off as he laid down on her couch. He felt a blanket cover him and looked up to see Jee smiling at him. She began tucking him in and affectionately tapped his cheek, when she moved away. 

“I’m glad you’re okay, Uncle Buck,” Jee smiled and then dropped down to sit in front of Buck as she continued watching her show. She put her headphones back on and relaxed against the back of the couch. 

Buck cozied up in the blanket. “Glad I’m making a healthy recovery. I’m going to take a nap. If Dr. Jee needs to check on me throughout the day, please tell her to choose something different than push-ups.”

Maddie snickered and sat back on her spot on the couch, while she turned on the TV. Buck snuggled further into the blanket and fell asleep. 

Later, he woke up to his phone ringing. He reached his hand out, trying to find it on the table without getting out of his blanket cocoon. Maddie handed him his phone and he gratefully took it. He turned his head to see who was calling and answered it immediately, once he saw it was Eddie. 

“Hey, I didn’t expect to hear a call from you this early,” Buck roused, trying to sound more awake than he was. 

“You sound like you just woke up,” Eddie laughed. 

“Mhm, that’s because I did. I don’t think I’ll ever drink that much in my life again. Should’ve learned my lesson, after Chimney’s bachelor party,” Buck groaned. 

He pushed his blankets back, so he could sit up against the couch. Maddie looked at him and Buck mouthed, “Eddie.” She nodded her head and went back to watching her show.  

“Wait, why are you calling me this early? I thought you were out getting lunch with Samuel,” Buck yawned, jaw popping at the loud sound. 

“I still am,” Eddie groused. 

“Oh, it’s going that bad?” Buck said, once again biting his tongue at how happy that question came across. He wanted to repeat it in a more caring manner, but the damage had already been done. 

“Kind of,” Eddie stated. “He stepped away to take a call.”

“That’s rude,” Buck stated, understanding that it wasn’t nice to leave someone to take a call. A call could be answered, after lunch had ended. Samuel wasn’t respecting the time Eddie had taken out of his day to meet him. 

“I’m calling you too,” Eddie laughed. 

“But he did it first,” Buck argued back. 

Eddie paused and Buck wondered if perhaps he had gone too far in letting his distaste for Samuel show? 

“Hey, do you mind if I come over to your place early? I know it’s way earlier than dinnertime, but I don’t want to go home. And I don’t want to just drive around and go in and out of stores.”

Buck sat up, smiling broadly. He looked down and started playing with a loose string on the blanket. Eddie wanted to leave their lunch and head straight to him. That meant they would be able to spend the whole day together. 

“Eddie, you know you can come by anytime. My door is always open,” Buck kindly offered. “I wasn’t planning on getting out today, until we met for dinner.”

“Instead of going out, we can order in,” Eddie suggested. 

“That sounds perfect right now. Because I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’d be able to go out to dinner in my current state,” Buck gratefully said. “We could watch that movie you’ve been wanting to see. I think they just put it on Netflix.”

“Sounds like a plan. Alright, he’s heading back inside. I’ll text you, when I’m on my way.”

“Okay, sounds good. I’ll be here.”

“Make sure you’re staying hydrated and you’ve put something on your stomach."

“I will. It’s probably time for me to make some lunch. I’ll go do that now,” Buck agreed. 

“Good. See you soon.”

“See ya,” Buck replied back. 

Eddie ended the call and Buck placed his phone down. He quickly tossed the blanket off his body and folded it, before throwing it over Maddie’s couch. He grabbed his phone and put it in his pocket.

“Hey, where’d you put my keys?” Buck asked, looking down at Maddie. Maddie pointed to the key bowl by the kitchen counter. “Thanks.”

“Is there a reason you lied to Eddie about already being at home?” Maddie asked him, as he went to retrieve his keys. “You could’ve said you were still at my house. But you spun a tale to make it seem as though you’re already at yours.”

“Maddie.”

“Buck,” Maddie sang. 

“I don’t know. I wasn’t really thinking. Technically, I will be home by the time he comes over. You get it, right?”

Maddie shook her head. “No, I don’t get it. Not really. But I’ve learned to understand I won’t get a lot of things where you’re concerned. It makes complete sense that you made Eddie believe you’re at home.”

“I don’t like the sarcasm in your voice,” Buck said, walking back to the living room. He gave Jee a kiss on the crown of her head and hugged her once, before doing the same to Maddie. “Thanks for bringing my car back to your place.”

“Anytime,” Maddie said, standing out of her chair to walk him out. “Oh, make sure you get gas. The light came on last night, when we drove back.”

“I completely forgot to get gas yesterday. I meant to stop at the gas station, after the baseball game. Must’ve slipped my mind,” Buck murmured, thinking about the reason he had gotten distracted. As soon as Eddie said he invited Samuel to the bar, all previous thoughts flew away from his head. 

“Okay, well make sure you get gas on your way home. It’d be awkward, if you had to pull over on the side of the road, especially when you told Eddie you were at home,” Maddie laughingly joked. 

“Haha, you’re so funny Maddie. Truly, the best comedian I know.”

Maddie brightly smiled at him. “I know. I’ll be making my comedic debut very soon. Now you better hurry, before Eddie shows up at your place before you do.”

“You’re right. Love you, see you later,” Buck waved, heading to his jeep. 

“Love you too,” Maddie said, watching as he backed out of the driveway. 

Once he made it to his loft, he went to his bathroom to take a quick shower. He didn’t know when Eddie would be there. It could be anywhere from an hour to three hours, but he wanted to be dressed and ready the moment he arrived. 

He had been in the shower for only ten minutes, when he heard some movement happening outside his bathroom. He turned the water off, ear trained toward the noise. It was silent again. He must’ve been hearing things. 

He turned the shower back on, pouring shampoo into his hands to wash his hair. He lathered the shampoo in his hair, going through a check-list of things he would have to pick up at the grocery store later that week. 

He was thinking about whether he should buy another case of water, when he heard the noises again. He rinsed off the shampoo in his hair and turned the shower off. This time the noise continued. It sounded like someone was moving things around. He heard a chair slide against his wood floors. 

His heartbeat picked up because nobody should be in his house. There was no way Eddie had come over that soon. Buck hurriedly washed off the remaining soap and shampoo on his body, so he could get toweled off and dressed. 

He threw on a pair of gray sweatpants and a loose white t-shirt that had been stretched over time to the point where it hung loosely on Buck’s shoulders. He walked down the stairs, running his fingers through his damp hair. 

His eyebrows nearly shot to his hairline, when he saw Eddie leaning up against his kitchen counter. How long had he been in his kitchen? It was a really good thing Buck had come home as soon as he did. 

Buck made his way downstairs, stopping short of where Eddie stood. His attention was immediately brought to the stack of clean dishes. There weren’t a lot of dishes to wash, since Buck made sure to keep his place clean. However, Eddie had cleaned the few dishes that Buck left in the sink to be cleaned for later. 

He looked at Eddie, taking in the tight expression on his face. The smile on his face was rigid and unsure as though he was working out how to smile for the first time in his life. The usual light, in his honeyed brown eyes, dimmed. 

“You look stressed,” Buck commented, also taking in how tensely Eddie stood. 

“Thanks,” Eddie sniffed, turning his head to the side and crossing his arms over his chest. “You know, usually if someone came down to see their friend cleaning their dishes, the first thing they would say is thank you.”

Buck went closer to Eddie and placed his hands on Eddie’s shoulder. “Thank you so much Eddie for cleaning all my dishes…and what looks to be the start of a whole kitchen clean-up.”

His arms fell to his side while he looked around his kitchen. He took in the bottle of Clorox wipes and the Windex bottle on the kitchen counter. If he placed his finger and ran it down the top of his fridge, he was sure there would be no dust there. How long had he been cleaning? He wasn’t in the shower for that long. Had he come to his place a few seconds after Buck had closed his bathroom door? 

“You only deep-clean, when you’re stressed. What happened?” Buck frowned, moving to close the cabinets and put away the cleaning products Eddie had taken out from underneath his sink. 

“I do not,” Eddie refuted. 

“Yes, you do. Every time you tell me you’re about to deep-clean it has come as the result of being stressed. You deep-cleaned for hours, after you came back from your dad’s retirement party. You deep-cleaned for an entire day, after you decided to transfer over to dispatch.”

You deep cleaned for a whole week, after Christopher left. I was worried you would pass out by the time I managed to get you to take a break, Buck thought to himself. 

Eddie threw the drying rag on the counter and moved past Buck. 

Buck observed him as he moved through his loft. His eyes tracked the way Eddie knelt down to the floor, trying to see if the rug needed to be vacuumed. 

Buck had to step in and redirect his attention to something else. There wasn’t anything left for him to clean. Buck wished Eddie would talk to him and tell him what was stressing him out. That way Buck could help him. 

He was about to ask Eddie what was wrong, when Eddie suddenly got up from looking under the couch and walked toward the television. 

“You know we should really decorate your loft. I saw this one video about a gallery wall. I think you’d like something like that. We could find different picture frames and art work. Didn’t you buy a new film camera or something? We could develop those pictures and frame them,” Eddie enthused. 

“Eddie,” Buck exclaimed. 

He continued walking around the loft, muttering to himself about what wall would be the best fit for a focal point. Had Eddie been watching too much HGTV in his downtime? 

“Maybe we can go to that home décor place you like. This rug doesn’t really match your vibe. We should get rid of it,” Eddie murmured, kicking down the corner of the rug that had been flipped up. 

“My vibe? Eddie what?” Buck questioned, walking over to Eddie. 

“Oh, can you paint in your loft? What’s the rules around that? Are you more for warmer tones or cooler tones? Personally, I like warmer tones. Or are you more of a neutral and earth tones guy?” Eddie rambled. 

“Warm tones are good. I wouldn’t mind some cooler tones such as blue. I’m impartial to neutrals. Wait…” Buck stopped himself, easily falling into the trap Eddie laid out. 

He couldn’t allow himself to get distracted. That’s exactly what Eddie wanted. He had to remain focused. While he shook off Eddie's distracting techniques, Buck didn’t notice that he started heading to his stairs that lead to his bedroom. 

“We could also look at different comforters. Do you think you need to replace your mattress? You’ve been complaining about your back for a few days,” Eddie asked, almost halfway up the stairs. 

“That’s because I’ve been doing shoulder workouts. I just bought a new mattress. Eddie, come down,” Buck called out, walking to the bottom of the stairs. 

Eddie turned back down the stairs at Buck’s insistence.

“Yeah, it’s probably best to start from the bottom and work our way up. We should brighten your kitchen up, make use of the windows in the space. We can pick out some plants that would do well indoors.”

Buck continued to follow him as Eddie looked around his house like he was preparing to stage it for some buyers. “I hear it’s good to switch things up, after a break-up. Speaking of the break-up, are you fine? I haven’t checked-in to ask how you’re doing.”

He didn’t know why Maddie and Eddie thought his break-up with Tommy was going to break his heart. Had he given the impression that he really liked Tommy? Why else would they ask him how he was doing, after he had already shared with everyone that he was completely fine with how things ended? 

“I’m doing fine. I meant it when I said that it was a mutual break-up. No feelings were hurt. We both knew we were heading in separate directions,” Buck reiterated. 

Eddie nodded. “As long as you’re good. I thought you liked him.”

“I did…and Eddie put the vase down,” Buck said as Eddie looked at one of the vases on his side table. 

“It looks dusty. Where’s that Swiffer duster I bought you?” Eddie asked, moving to Buck’s pantry. “Did you move it? Oh, never mind. I found it. You know I didn’t think you and Tommy were a good fit.”

Eddie began cleaning, watching the dust lift from the ceramic vase. Buck sighed, allowing him to clean the vase to his heart’s content. 

“Why didn’t you say anything about not thinking Tommy and I were a good fit?” Buck implored, wanting to know whether Eddie had an inkling as to why his relationship ended. 

Eddie shrugged. “I’ve had my fair share of relationships that definitely weren’t a good fit. Who was I to say anything?”

“Eddie, I always want to hear your opinion,” Buck softly said, not liking the negative tone he was using in reference to himself. 

“Not about romantic partnerships you don’t. Trust me,” he dryly scoffed. “Oh, I should buy you some multi-surface polish.”

“Multi-surface polish,” he lightly mouthed. “Eddie, I don’t need that.”

“Was Tommy coming by later to pick-up his things?” Eddie asked, motioning to the box that Buck had left by his front door. 

Buck turned to the box of things he had gathered. There wasn’t much to pack. Tommy hadn’t kept a lot of things at his loft. Buck didn’t have anything at Tommy’s place, since he was rarely over there. 

“I was going to drop it off at his place sometime this week.”

“You’re handling this well. Super healthy. Thumbs up to you,” Eddie voiced into the vase that he was cleaning, his words being spread like an echo. 

“Eddie, this wasn’t a relationship to feel heart-broken over,” Buck noted, moving to take away the vase from Eddie. He set it back on the side table. 

And why was Eddie moving so fast? The moment he turned back around, Eddie was already dusting off the television. It didn’t need to be dusted. 

“But it’s your first break-up with a guy. Shouldn’t that mean something?” Eddie said, moving to dust behind Buck’s TV. 

Buck tilted his head to the side. “It means something in the sense that I was given space to explore something new about myself. I’m thankful to Tommy for being a safe space, but it’s not like it’s some first love or something deep. We had a good time. Maybe one day we can be friends. I’m not sure. I think he’s considering a job in Milwaukee.”

Buck was probably never going to be friends with Tommy, after the way he talked about Eddie. But Eddie didn't need to know that right now. What Eddie needed was to take a deep breath and sit down for a minute. 

“Milwaukee?” Eddie questioned. 

“That’s what I said. But he said he’s not a fan of California and couldn’t imagine settling down here forever. Another reason why it wasn’t going to work out for us long-term.”

Buck stopped talking as he grabbed his bar stool from Eddie’s hands. Eddie was not about to start cleaning that as well. He looked up at him, narrowing his eyes in disbelief like he couldn’t believe Buck had the audacity to stop his cleaning. 

Buck set the chair back down and turned to Eddie. “Yeah, we’re not doing that. Eddie, my fan doesn’t need to be cleaned.”

“You say you’ve been sneezing,” Eddie shrugged. 

“It’s more from seasonal allergies than dust,” Buck explained. He took the Swiffer duster from Eddie and walked to put it back into his pantry. 

Eddie hummed in the back of his throat as he began to go outside to Buck’s balcony. Buck wanted to put Jee and Eddie on a track and see who was faster because the way they both managed to move out of Buck’s sight with an alarming speed was pure talent. 

“Eddie!” Buck called out for him. 

It’d be funny, if it wasn’t so sad the way Eddie’s head popped over from behind one of Buck’s banana tree plants. Eddie’s eyes widened and then shuttered close as shadows fell in front of them. 

What was Eddie hiding? 

“Eddie. Take a breather for a second. You jumped from deep-cleaning to home makeover renovation faster than a cheetah chasing after a gazelle,” Buck voiced, once Eddie had come back indoors. “Here, sit down on the couch. I’ll be back in a second. Need to grab something from upstairs.”

“Sit down?” Eddie asked, but was already moving to sit on the couch. 

“Yes, sit down. You’re about to make my head start spinning,” Buck commanded and raced up the stairs. 

He went to his desk drawer where he had kept a stack of coloring books for Jee. Eddie needed something to focus on that didn’t have him running haggard. He grabbed the Crayola 96 Crayon pack and made a bee-line straight to the couch where Eddie was sitting. 

He sat down and placed everything on his coffee table. Eddie looked at the coloring books then up at him, a question in his eyes. 

“I got some coloring books for whenever Jee comes over,” Buck clarified. 

“Right, is that why most of them are filled with pages you have clearly done,” Eddie questioned, grabbing a coloring book and flipping through all the different coloring pages. 

“Jee can only sit down to color for thirty minutes, before she starts running around. It’s a surprise she managed to finally finish coloring the bow on Minnie Mouse,” he explained. 

Eddie raised an eyebrow at him, while Buck began to open up the crayon pack. 

“It’s a great stress reliever. I have a few word puzzles, sudoku, and word search books. But I figure those might get your brain even more active. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it,” Buck proposed, hoping that Eddie would take the bait. 

“You’re probably right,” Eddie sighed. 

Buck gave himself a pat on the back. 

“That’s why we’re going to sit back, put on a movie or show, and color for a bit. It’s not cleaning or decorating, so it may not completely take away your need to nest when you’re stressed. But just try this for an hour, please,” Buck said, holding out the crayon pack. 

“Fine, I’ll try it for you,” Eddie pointed out. 

Buck smiled, pushing his shoulder against Eddie’s. 

“That’s all that I ask. Dibs on the Barbie one. I was working on one drawing, before Jee decided she wanted to try sliding down the stairs in my pillow sheet,” Buck laughed. 

“That sounds safe,” Eddie said. He looked over the coloring books once more and chose to select the Encanto coloring book. 

“Do you have any movies you want to watch?” Buck asked. 

Eddie shrugged. He continued flipping through the pages, while Buck scrolled through different shows and movies. 

“I’ll just put something on that’s in my watch list,” Buck replied. 

“That works for me.”

He put on Parks & Rec., a show he had watched countless of times and had often used as a nice background noise. Eddie propped his coloring book on his thighs. Meanwhile Buck was meticulously deciding which color would best fit Barbie’s wings. He chose green, since that was the color of Eddie's shirt. 

He would occasionally look up to see the stress lines on Eddie’s face melt away. His shoulders slowly began to relax, instead of being raised high to his ears. He still wanted to press his thumb to the center of Eddie’s eyes and force his eyebrows to relax and not be drawn downward to the bridge of his nose. 

He looked up as one of his favorite scenes played out on the screen. Eddie would look up sometimes to see what was happening, then went right back to coloring. Buck smiled, once he saw out of the corner of his eye that Eddie had taken out his phone to make sure he was applying the correct colors to the drawing. 

He even took coloring very seriously. Buck leaned back to look at Eddie’s drawing that Buck was tempted to put on his refrigerator. 

“Looking good. Might have a professional artist on our hands,” he praised. 

“I wouldn’t go so far as to say that,” Eddie said, reaching over to grab another crayon. 

Buck pressed his shoulder against his. It wasn’t necessary to get that close to see his drawing in full. However, neither of them moved away. 

“You’ll have to add your signature at the bottom,” Buck pointed out, moving his hand in front of Eddie. 

“You plan on selling it?” Eddie glanced up at him, a prideful grin on his face. 

“Most definitely. I think I can earn a pretty penny on this,” Buck responded. 

Eddie laughed and Buck was happy that he was laughing again. However, he still wanted to know what had Eddie stress cleaning so early in the afternoon. 

“You want to tell me what’s been bothering you?” Buck lightly prodded, testing the waters to see if he was ready to talk. “Eddie?”

“I thought you said we were coloring to get rid of my stress," Eddie said between clenched teeth. 

“So you are stressed?”

“Well, I wasn’t five seconds ago,” Eddie dryly stated, tossing the crayon down onto the table. He sighed, roughly rubbing his hands down his face. “But you’re right. I’ve been feeling stressed. Every corner I turn there’s something new to be stressed about. I think meeting up with Samuel only heightened the stress I’ve been feeling.”

“Yeah, I could hear it in your voice.”

“Hear it in my voice?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah, your voice dips, whenever you get stressed.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

I notice everything about you, was what he would have said had he acquired the courage. 

“The change isn’t noticeable to anyone else. How was the lunch stressful?”

Eddie resumed coloring, choosing not to directly look at Buck while he talked. “We didn’t really part on good terms.”

“Didn’t part the lunch on good terms? Lunch must’ve been brutal,” Buck winced. 

He didn’t want their lunch to go great, but he didn’t want it to go so badly that Eddie resorted to stress-cleaning. 

“No. I mean, yes. We didn’t end lunch all that happy, but I mean we didn’t part on good terms all the way back, when we were just kids in El Paso. And Frank told me I was avoiding hanging out alone with Samuel for that main reason. I thought today would be a step in the right direction in not avoiding alone time with him,” Eddie rushed to explain. 

“Oh, you two never hung out separately, after all of us grabbed lunch?” Buck questioned. 

“No, the only other time we met each other was at the baseball game and the bar.”

Buck’s frown deepened. “Why did you want to avoid being alone with him? Something happened?”

Eddie shook his head. “No. I was uncomfortable with keeping up a conversation with someone I haven’t seen in years. It’s odd to think how here was this person I could spend hours talking to and now I can’t even hold a five minute conversation without feeling nervous or awkward.”

“Oh, okay.”

“There’s some other stuff that I need to work out and I think both of us are avoiding that whole mess for different reasons. It’s making me stressed because I want to talk about it, but also I don’t want to talk about it. I want him to bring it up and then I don’t want him to say a word. It’s screwing me up inside.”

“Is there any way I can help?” Buck said, knowing when to push and when to pull back. He didn’t want Eddie to feel as though he had to unpack everything now. Buck knew he would come to him, whenever he was ready. He would be there for him, no matter the time or place. 

“Honestly? This has done more to help me right now than therapy has,” Eddie dryly laughed. “Don’t tell Frank though.”

“I won’t,” Buck sincerely promised. 

Buck remained silent for a few more seconds. The Parks & Rec theme song filled the quiet space in the room. Eddie returned his focus to his coloring sheet. 

Buck couldn’t stop his thoughts from spiraling as he wondered why Eddie was making it a point to spend time with Samuel, when it appeared — at least from his perspective — that he didn’t feel comfortable around the guy. There seemed to be a lot of bad and unresolved feelings there, so why was Eddie continuing to allow him to be in his space? 

“I can hear the cogs in your brain turning. Go ahead and say what’s on your mind.”

Buck’s focus bounced around the features of Eddie’s face. 

“Okay, before I ask this I would like to preface this by saying I don’t intend to sound harsh or criticizing. Know that this comes from a place of care,” Buck said, holding his hands out in a gesture that meant no harm. 

Eddie smiled and patted Buck on the knee. “I know you wouldn’t say anything to hurt my feelings, Buck. Ask away.”

Buck sighed, gathering himself to ask the question. 

“I don’t like Samuel.”

His mouth dropped open as soon as the statement left him. His hand flew to his mouth, failing to take back what he had said. He didn’t mean to say that. His brain to mouth filter must have been switched off. He withdrew his hand from his face, closing his mouth in hopes he wouldn’t reveal anything else. 

Eddie’s jaw dropped and then laughter bubbled out his chest. He became riddled with laughter as Buck felt his face grow warm. Eddie fell over himself with how hard he was laughing. 

“Was that supposed to be a question?” Eddie asked midway between gasping on breathless laughter. 

Buck shook his head. “I swear to you that is not what I wanted to say.”

Eddie finally cooled down enough for him to exhale without laughing.  “What were you trying to say?”

“I don’t like him,” Buck winced and that isn’t what he was trying to say either. It would have been better for him to glue his lips shut and try again tomorrow. “Sorry, I don’t know how else to say it.”

“Why don’t you like him? I didn’t think you talked to him enough to form a strong opinion,” Eddie frowned. 

“I can tell he doesn’t like me,” Buck muttered, hating how he sounded like he was hating on the new kid at school who was trying to take away his friend. 

Eddie paused from coloring to look at Buck. “I don’t think Samuel doesn’t like you. He hasn’t said anything to me.”

“Of course he’s not going to say anything to you Eddie. But I can tell. Eddie, he glared at me every single time you weren’t looking,” Buck said. Samuel was openly deceiving him with those dull green eyes. 

“I saw you glaring back,” Eddie noted.

Buck stuttered in disbelief that Eddie was calling him out. He wasn’t the one sending sly side glances. Samuel was doing that!

“That’s because he was glaring at me first!” Buck raised his voice, moving closer to Eddie. “Also every time I bring up something we did, he wants to bring up something you two did. And if I can notice it makes you uncomfortable, why can’t he?”

Buck tapped his chin in consideration, thinking about Samuel’s motivations. If he was on Love Island, he’d be telling Eddie that Samuel wasn’t there for the right reasons. Okay, full disclosure he might have watched a few minutes of the show Maddie was watching, when he was trying to take a nap. 

“I think he’s trying to prove that he was a better friend like some sort of competition,” Buck complained, frowning at the thought. 

“It’s not a competition,” Eddie appealed, putting his thumb in the middle of Buck’s forehead to smooth out his frown lines. 

Buck’s eyes crossed to look at the center of his face where Eddie’s thumb was trying to draw his eyebrows back up. Buck’s frown lessened as Eddie drew back. 

Buck puffed up his chest in confidence. “Obviously, I mean he wouldn’t even be able to compete.”

“That’s not what I…” Eddie started to say, but was interrupted by his phone ringing. 

He set aside his coloring book to see who could be calling him. His eyes widened when he saw who was calling. 

“Who’s calling?” Buck asked as he saw Eddie’s shocked expression. 

“Christopher,” was all Eddie could manage to say. “What do I do?”

“I think you answer it,” Buck said, smiling widely at him. 

“Right, you’re right. I’m just going to answer,” Eddie hurriedly said, but didn’t move to press the answer button. 

“Answer,” Buck repeated, taking the phone from Eddie and pressing the answer button himself. He handed it back to Eddie just as Christopher’s voice rang out from the other end of the phone. 

He stretched his arm out on the top of the couch. He wished he could bottle up the way Eddie’s eyes brightened with joy, the moment he heard his son’s voice. Sure, coloring books were a nice stress reliever for a while, but what he truly needed at the time was his son. 

Buck wondered if somehow they knew they needed each other at that moment. 

“Christopher. It is so good to hear your voice,” Eddie choked out. “Your tia told you that, huh? I did and it was very unsafe. I was in trouble for weeks. So don’t go getting any ideas.”

He continued talking to Christopher, responding and laughing at whatever he was saying. Buck was content to watch him as he held his phone tightly against his ear. He lowered the volume on the TV, so Eddie could hear everything Christopher was saying. 

“Wow. The more you know, huh. Where’d you hear that from? Makes sense,” Eddie said, looking briefly at Buck and smiling softly at him. 

He didn’t know what was said on the other end, but Eddie let out a quiet gasp like whatever had been said surprised him in a good way. Buck stared at him, noting the way his eyes had a shiny glimmer to them now. 

“I miss you too Christopher,” Eddie sniffed, rubbing his hand under his nose. “I miss you so much.”

Eddie tilted his head to face the ceiling, looking like he was trying not to cry. Buck took the arm that had been stretched over the couch, to wrap around Eddie’s shoulder. He tried to quiet the pleased hum in his voice, when Eddie leaned back into his hold. 

“I love you so much, Christopher. I’m glad you called me,” Eddie thanked.  “How’d you know I was with Buck? Ah, of course. Hold on, I’m handing him the phone now. Christopher wants to talk to you.”

He took Eddie’s phone like an offering and placed it to his ear.

“Christopher, hey buddy! How’s Texas treating you?” Buck asked, always wanting to know more about how Christopher was doing. 

He had kept up with him via texts and had seen his instagram updates. Of course, it was completely different, being able to hear his voice again. 

“It’s good. It’s really hot though. Abuelo said you could fry an egg in this heat. I tried and it almost worked, Buck. That’s how hot it is down here. I checked the weather app to see how it is in California and I almost shed a few tears, when I saw how cool it is over there,” Christopher complained.  

Buck laughed at the complaint. 

“Oh, Buck I have to send you a video that Tia Sophia sent me of dad dressed as a girl scout, when Tia Sophia needed to sell cookies and she was sick so she couldn't. Buck, it’s so funny. He was standing outside the grocery store, trying to get people to buy the cookies. Oh! And Buck you’ll never believe this, but there’s a video of dad, when he was a kid and he was using Jell-O as shampoo because Tia Sophia told him it would help his hair grow faster.”

Christopher began laughing, as though he was just finding this out for the first time alongside Buck. He choked on a laugh, eyes closing to imagine a version of Eddie who believed he could use Jell-O as shampoo simply because his sister said he could. 

“Christopher, you’re definitely going to have to send me that video. I can’t believe they got it on camera. Did Sophia show you any more home videos of your dad?”

Eddie took the phone from Buck and shouted “Those home videos were never to be shared. Sophia, stop sharing all of my embarrassing videos! Because I know you’re not sharing yours. Here, you can have the phone back.”

Buck continued laughing, taking the phone back from him. “Nope, Christopher promised he was going to show me the video of you using Jell-O as shampoo.” 

“Then there’s one of dad riding a horse for the first time, but he couldn’t get the horse to move. So he stayed still for five minutes,” Christopher continued snickering. 

“Oh, yeah never mind, I want to see that one first,” Buck chuckled. “That’s hilarious.”

“Buck, there’s so many home videos of dad that I’m thinking of getting famous on tiktok with them,” Christopher energetically planned. “But then I have to get dad’s permission to make a tiktok. You know how he is with stranger danger and internet safety. Did you see the tiktok video I sent you?”

“Oh, no I haven’t checked. You sent it just now?”

“No, I sent it last night.”

“Okay, got you. Yeah, I’ll look into it.”

“Buck, we’re about to stop at a gas station for a restroom break, so I’m giving the phone back to Tia Sophia,” Christopher said. 

“Alright, enjoy the rest of your drive. Let us know, when you make it to the hotel safely.”

“I will. Love you, Buck. Make sure to take care of dad for me, until I get back.”

“Good. Love you too. And I will.”

“Oh, hold on. Tia Sophia wants to talk to dad. Can you give him back the phone?”

“She does? Okay, hold on. I’ll give the phone back to your dad,” Buck told him, handing the phone back to Eddie. “Sophia wants to talk to you.” 

Eddie took back his phone. “Hey, Sophia.” 

The two siblings continued talking and Buck went back to watching Parks & Rec. It seemed that whatever they were talking about was veering toward a serious conversation. Eddie sat up, causing Buck’s arms to fall from where it rested over his shoulders. 

“No, she hasn’t. Why? Am I supposed to be expecting a call from her?” Eddie rasped, biting at his nail bed — a nervous habit that Eddie had only recently developed. He stopped talking to look down at his phone as another call came in. “I think you just summoned her. I should probably take this. Let me know, when you all are at the hotel.”

Eddie ended the call with his sister, took a deep breath then switched over to whoever was calling him next. 

“Hey, mom,” Eddie kindly greeted. “How are you doing today? Good. Oh, me? I’m fine.”

Eddie stood up and mouthed that he would be right back to Buck. He nodded, allowing Eddie to have some space. He went to stand outside on Buck’s balcony. He stayed out there for quite some time, pacing around the small space. 

Buck would look up every now and then to check on Eddie. His body was wound tight with tension again. Whelp, there goes all the progress made from the coloring books and the phone call with Christopher. 

Minutes later, Eddie came back inside and it was like he had a dark gray cloud hovering over him. 

“I can never do right in their eyes,” Eddie scoffed, throwing his phone on the couch. “It doesn’t matter that they finally get what they’ve wanted, since I moved Christopher out here. Apparently, I’m still not adept to take care of Christopher.”

“Eddie-” Buck started to say. 

“Nope, don’t want to talk about it right now. Hand me the red candy apple,” Eddie interrupted. 

He sat down on the couch and flipped to the page he was coloring. Buck looked at him in concern, but didn’t press for more. It was obvious that Eddie didn’t want to talk and he’d be doing more harm than good trying to get him to open up right then and there. 

Buck handed him the red crayon and pressed play on the episode he had paused, while waiting for Eddie to finish his call. As it grew later in the night, Buck put in a call to order some dinner from his favorite Thai food restaurant. 

The two ate in a comfortable silence while they watched a nature documentary that Buck had turned on. He had been wanting to watch it for a while, but he was beginning to lose focus. He couldn’t understand what the narrator was saying, as the weight of sleep rested on his eyes. 

Slowly, he brought his fork to his lips and tried eating. He was so tired, but he didn’t want to go to sleep. He forced his eyes to stay open, but exhaustion was adamantly bearing down on him. He slumped down against the armrest of his couch, thinking that if he got into a comfortable position he could trick his body to believe that he was resting. 

He looked over at Eddie who was eating and paying attention to the TV. He didn’t look like he was close to sleep at all. Buck rubbed his eyes, ignoring the burning dryness. He blinked his eyes in hopes that the action would bring moisture back into them. He resolved that he would close his eyes only for a minute. He would count to sixty and then his eyes would be fine. He shouldn't have tempted himself with sleep because now it was knocking at his door. This time he would answer it. 

He fell asleep, safe in knowing that Eddie was right there on the opposite end of the couch — far enough that he could stretch out if he wanted to and close enough that if he moved only an inch or two, he'd be pressed shoulder to shoulder up against him. He'd wake up and Eddie would still be there, probably poking fun at him for going to sleep so early in the night. 

Hours later, he woke up to an empty couch and a TV screen that read, “Are you still watching?”

And he panicked. 

He stood up from his spot on the couch. In his haste, he almost caused the vase on his side table to shatter on the ground. It appeared like a bad omen. Buck’s heart caught in his throat as he reached out to grab the empty vase. Buck wanted to put flowers in there. However, every time he made a plan to buy flowers, he managed to forget them on his trip to the store. 

“Eddie?” he called out. “Eddie?”

He walked around, continuing to shout out his name. Eddie was right there beside him. He wouldn’t have left without saying he was leaving. He would have woken him up and said he was heading out. Any other time, he would have stayed until Buck woke up. 

Did he mention any plans to Buck that he had forgotten to remember? He assumed Eddie would spend the rest of the day with him. He had only been asleep for a few hours. It didn’t make sense for there to be an empty space where Eddie once was. 

He turned his ear to see if he could hear water running from the bathroom. He walked into the kitchen, hoping to see Eddie rummaging through his pantry. His heart thundered in his chest as panic built up at the back of his head. 

He opened the half-closet by his front door. 

He checked the balcony. 

“Eddie?” his name scratched his vocal chords as he continued yelling out his name. 

He raced upstairs, hoping to see Eddie there. He wasn’t. He was nowhere to be seen in the loft. He went back downstairs, heading to the living room. His heart dropped as he saw everything had been cleared out. It was like no one else had been in this living room, except for him. 

The coloring books had been put away. There was no longer food left on the table. 

Everything was back to its original spot and Buck began anxiously wondering whether he had gotten stuck again. There was no justifiable reason that there were no traces of Eddie. He grabbed his phone from off the coffee table, fingers scrolling to his favorites’ contact lists. He pressed on the first name that popped up. 

The phone rang for a few seconds and went straight to voicemail. Buck tried again. He ended the call and tried reaching out to anyone else who might have heard from Eddie. 

“Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail-”

“This mailbox is full-”

“Sorry. The person you are trying to reach right now is unable to come to the phone.”

“Please leave a message, after the tone.”

Why was no one answering his phone call? What had them all busy at nine at night? He sent a text message to his friends’ group chat. His hand hovered over the screen as he waited for the dots to appear, signaling someone was going to respond. 

He just needed someone to tell him that Eddie was here. 

But what, if he wasn’t?

What if he was back in that dream where Eddie never knew him? Suddenly, all reason began to run away from him as his mind frantically spiraled. His phone slipped from his hands as his breathing picked up. 

This couldn’t be happening again, he thought to himself as his hand clutched his chest. 

He keeled over, harsh breaths cracking beneath his ribs. Panic nipped away at his lungs, forcing small incisions that caused all the air in his lungs to escape. 

He couldn’t be stuck in this nightmare. 

He had made it home. 

He had made it out. 

He wasn’t back there. 

But Eddie wasn’t here. 

He had made a list, those first few nights after his coma. He made a list of everything that deviated from reality in his coma dream. He began going down the list, but his thoughts were everywhere. He couldn’t focus. Why couldn’t he focus? 

He made it home. 

He had made it out. 

He wasn’t back there.

But Eddie wasn’t here. 

If he wasn’t here, then that meant Buck was back in that chilling state of limbo. A frigid coldness crept into his bones, making his knees pop as he walked through the house. He held his hands out in front of them, turning them around to see if the lines on his palm were the same. He didn’t memorize the back of his palms. He wouldn’t have been able to tell, if they were different. 

His mouth tasted salty as a wave of nausea eclipsed his vision. 

“Eddie,” he weakly called out, knees buckling on the hard floor. He lowered himself to see if Eddie had somehow managed to fit himself under the couch. Buck could delude himself into thinking he could make himself small enough to hide there. 

He rose from his kneeled position, attempting to gather himself. He did another walk through his house, checking to make sure Eddie wouldn’t make a sudden appearance. When he had checked every single crevice of the house, Buck walked to the front of his loft. 

He grabbed his keys, almost dropping them due to the short tremors in his hand. He couldn’t ease his panic by standing there in his loft. But he could ease it by going to the one place that proved Eddie was here and this wasn’t a dream he had gotten stuck in. 

He left his place and headed to his jeep. He began driving to Eddie’s house, all the while continuing to try to get in contact with Eddie or anyone else. 

“Eddie, can you please pick up your phone? At least let me know where you are,” Buck rasped, hands clenched tightly on the steering wheel. He usually drove with one hand, but he needed the extra focus. “Eddie, please. Where are you?”

He had to pull over on the side of the freeway because it became too difficult to drive. Cars whipped past him, honking loudly as he swerved to the side. He put his hazard lights on and unbuckled his seat belt because it felt like it was choking him. 

He had to get out of the car. He climbed over the passenger seat, to get out on the side that cars weren’t driving on. He got out and folded over himself. An agonizing ache erupted in his stomach. It relentlessly tormented the inside of his body, exacerbating the unforgiving pain he was experiencing. 

He turned his eyes down to the ground, begging the nausea to go away. He kept his sight on the uneven gravel that had small strands of grass peaking through. Shakily, he brought his phone back to his ear. 

He tried calling him again and again. He didn’t answer. In the back of his mind, there was a thought that begged for his attention. However, he paid it no mind. He looked down at his phone again, having no response from anyone. 

“It’s okay. You’re okay,” Buck tried to console himself. He rubbed at his sternum, hoping to catch his breath. His breath continued to come out in shrill exhales. His mouth tasted like metallic cotton. A scorching trail of tears burned his face. He panted, struggling for air as he choked on the torrential waves of nausea.  

He stared up at the sky, bemoaning how everything still looked the same. The moon was still shining brightly. The stars were still sparsely spread out in the sky. It was spitefully mocking him. 

Why had he fallen asleep? He should’ve stayed awake. 

A car pulled up beside him, turning their hazard lights on. The person got out of their truck and Buck was so delirious enough to think it was Eddie. He didn’t call attention to the truck being a completely different make and model. 

“Hey, you okay? Did you need anyone to call a tow truck for you?” the kind stranger asked. 

“No,” Buck stuttered, still having trouble breathing. “I just needed a breather.”

“You sure? You don’t look too good, dude.”

Buck waved him off. “Positive. Thanks for being a good human. Really. You have restored my faith in the human race and all that jazz.”

The stranger continued staring at him for a few more seconds. “Okay. Well get home safely.”

“Thanks you too,” Buck wheezed, unable to catch his breath. He watched the stranger walk back toward their car and get back on the highway. 

His wheezes started sounding like sharp static. His throat felt itchy and he scratched at his neck, but it didn’t get rid of that discomfort. He needed to pull it together, so he could make it back to Eddie’s. What if he was there asleep in the comfort of his own bed, while Buck was on the side of the road panicking?

He started laughing at the humor of it all. He swallowed a large lungful of air, grasping at the air he lost. He climbed into his car and merged back onto the highway. He was wasting time, panicking on the side of the road. 

He was a few minutes away from Eddie’s house, when he got an incoming call from Hen. He answered the call, immediately hoping that she had heard from Eddie. He took in a deep breath, before greeting her. 

“Hey, Hen,” he hoarsely rasped, still finding it difficult to breathe. 

“Hey, Buck. Sorry I just saw your text. The kids and I were at a movie, so I couldn’t look at my phone,” Hen explained. “But I wanted to let you know Eddie is at our house. Karen sent me a text, an hour ago saying he had dropped by.”

Buck let out a relieved sigh. He inhaled shakily, finally able to take in a breath that didn’t hurt. “Okay, okay. That’s good. He’s at your house…wait why is he at your house?”

“I don’t know.”

“But he’s there?” Buck had to make sure he had heard her correctly. 

“Yes, Buck. He’s here. I just got home.”

“Oh, did you know he was coming by? Did the two of them make plans or something?” Buck questioned because he hadn’t known the two of them to be that close to one another. 

“No, it seems my wife has roped Eddie into her famous Wine Wednesday cool down,” she said, then she spoke to someone else on the other end of the phone. “Hold on, Buck. 

Buck waited patiently as Hen continued talking to who he assumed to be Karen and Eddie. He was brought back to the conversation, when he heard Hen telling Eddie that Buck was on the phone. 

“Buck,” Eddie drunkenly sang, voice in a high and soft lilt. 

He wished the crash from panic wasn’t happening at that moment. Unfortunately, even the softness of Eddie’s voice couldn’t detract him from letting panic peak through his tone. 

“Eddie. Fuck, Eddie. You can’t leave like that. I woke up and you were gone,” Buck stressfully exclaimed. He turned his blinker on to take the exit that led him to Eddie’s house. 

“Sorry,” Eddie grumbled tiredly. “Didn’t want to wake you up.”

Buck let out a sharp laugh through his teeth. He wished Eddie would be less considerate sometimes. He wouldn’t have minded being woken up, to save him from this chilling distortion of anxiety. 

“I’d much rather be woken up by you saying you’re leaving than waking up and seeing you’re gone without notice. I can’t handle that right now,” Buck pleaded. “Please, just…if you have to leave, wake me up.” 

“You have my location. You know where’d I be,” Eddie reminded him. 

Buck sighed loudly, questioning why he hadn’t thought to first look at his location. That probably would have lowered his state of panic down a fraction. That should have been the first thing he checked, but his mind was so clouded. 

“I know I have your location. Unfortunately, my brain function was low after waking up. Checking that wasn’t my first thought. Why were you at Hen’s anyways?” Buck questioned. 

“Needed to talk,” Eddie answered. 

“You needed to talk to her in person at almost nine at night?” Buck confusedly exclaimed. 

What did he have to talk to Karen about that he couldn’t talk to Buck? 

“Mhm,” Eddie lethargically responded. 

“Do I need to pick you up? Eddie? Eddie?” Buck repeated. He could hear it in Eddie’s voice and the small yawns he let escape that he was tired. It was selfish to continue the call any longer, but Buck needed to hear his voice. “Eddie?” 

“Sorry, fell asleep. No, don’t pick me up. I’m staying at Hen’s tonight,” Eddie sniffed through a jaw-cracking yawn. 

“You sure?” Buck hesitantly prodded, wanting Eddie to know he’d be more than fine picking him up. Honestly, that was what he preferred. He was already preparing to merge back onto the highway and head to Karen’s house instead. 

“Positive,” Eddie stated. 

Buck let the disappointment saturate his mood, but did not allow it to seep into his voice.  “Alright, I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow. Get some good rest, Eddie.”

“You too,” Eddie said. 

He heard some shuffling going on and knew that the phone was being passed back to Hen. 

“You make sure to take care of Eddie? Give him some water, so he doesn’t have it so hard in the morning.” 

“Yes, Buck. I will make sure to do that.”

“And they’re good? I know he wanted to talk to Karen. Did it seem that they were talking about something serious?” 

 “No, they were fine. Just two giggly drunks talking about weddings.”

“Weddings?” Buck implored. Had Eddie driven all the way down there to talk about weddings? 

No. 

No, absolutely not. 

Was his worst dream coming true? 

Had Samuel come back to California to rekindle something with Eddie? Was Eddie considering accepting a proposal? 

“What reason did they have to be talking about weddings? There’s no one that we know that’s having a wedding anytime soon,” Buck rambled, trying to lessen the fear in his voice.  

 “I don’t know Buck. Your guess is as good as mine.” Hen laughed. 

“Oh, okay. Well, thanks for looking after him tonight. I appreciate it. Let me know if he changes his mind and wants me to pick him up. Also tell him to charge his phone, please.”

 “Yeah, of course. I’ll take care of him.”

“Thanks, Hen. Have a goodnight.”

 “You too.”

“Make sure Eddie has water before he goes to sleep. He’ll forget to drink some and I know he’s going to have a headache tomorrow, if he doesn’t get some water into his system,” 

“Uh huh,” Hen laughed softly at the reminder, but didn’t call Buck out for his instructions. 

“Alright, I’ll let you go for real now. Have a goodnight.”

“Okay, goodnight.

The call ended, once Buck pulled into Eddie’s driveway. He parked the car and tilted his head back to the headrest of his seat. He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palms, until they stung. The crash from the panic was hitting him now with an unsettling level of distress. 

It was too sudden to successfully dissolve the belief that he had gotten warped back into his coma. Eddie was still there. He was safe. Buck repeatedly told himself that in order to quell the tremors in his hand. 

He looked up at Eddie’s house, cloaked in an unnerving darkness. Eddie hadn’t been home to turn on his porch lights. Buck knew he could return to his place, after getting confirmation that Eddie was fine. 

He didn’t know how he wound up, standing in front of Eddie’s door with his key pressed in the lock. He opened the door to Eddie’s house, aware that he was not home. It was enough in this moment, to be in a place where he could still feel Eddie’s presence. 

The alarm went off and Buck put in the code. He kicked off his shoes and trudged past the living room toward Eddie’s bedroom. 

Eddie claimed he was a nester, yet his room was so empty. The walls were bare and the room was barren with the exception of his bed, two bedside tables, and a dresser pressed up against the wall. Wait, he couldn’t forget he also had two lamps and a small mirror hanging on his wall. 

Buck wanted to fill the room with everything Eddie loved. He deserved warmth and gentleness. Buck would give it all to him, if only Eddie would let him. Eddie would always show up to his loft, bringing by things he had seen in a home goods store that he thought Buck might like. He always bought things for Christopher’s room too. However, he never decorated his own room. 

There was still something to be appreciated, in spite of the minimalist furniture. Eddie’s presence was still felt wildly and strongly in the emptiness of this room. 

He tugged his jeans off and threw them down on the bottom of the bed. He burrowed into Eddie’s bed like a bear in hibernation, taking in the coolness of his cotton sheets. He could have stayed out in the living room, choosing to sleep on the couch. However, it was more comfortable to sleep in a bed. Actually, he was lying. Eddie’s bed was hard as rocks. The couch would have been kinder to his back. 

He didn’t know how Eddie slept soundly in this bed and woke up with no back problems. Though Buck couldn’t find it in himself to complain because at that moment it felt like he was sleeping on clouds. Sure, the mattress was firm and he could have slept more comfortably on his mattress at home. 

But a calming balm of peace spread throughout Buck’s body, knowing he was in a place that Eddie made into his home. He could feel the indent in the mattress, where it had given way to fit Eddie’s body. 

Until all the vestiges of panic left his body, this was the safest place for him to be — a place that was home to him. 

He stared up at the ceiling, watching the fan spin in a circle. His eyes closed, hoping to fall asleep relatively fast. Unfortunately, sleep eluded him. He was thankful, when he heard his phone ring. 

“Hello,” he answered, upon seeing it was his sister. 

“Buck, where are you? I checked my phone and saw you left a panicked voicemail, talking about how you couldn’t find Eddie? Then you didn’t call me back,” Maddie rushed out, her own voice sounding as panicked as his was only a few hours ago. “Is something wrong? Did something happen?”

“I’m at Eddie’s,” he answered, sitting up against Eddie’s headboard. He reached behind himself, to place a pillow under his back. He needed to make a note to buy Eddie some nicer pillows too. 

Maddie sighed in relief. “Oh, okay. Eddie was at home. I figured you would have checked his place first.”

“No, he’s at Hen and Karen’s.”

Silence crackled through the phone at his response. 

“So you’re at Eddie’s house, but Eddie isn’t there,” she slowly said, making sure she was hearing things correctly. 

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Maddie,” he drawled out, distinctly feeling he was being judged. 

“No, that’s perfectly okay. It’s normal to stay at your friend’s house, when they’re not there.” 

“In all fairness, I didn’t know he wasn’t here. Hen called me as soon as I was near his house. Figured it would be easier to stay over here than drive all the way back home. Eddie wouldn’t mind.”

“Well, I’m glad you were able to find him and that he’s okay.”

“Ha, you and me both,” Buck laughed without any humor. This night had completely drained him. 

“What about you? Are you okay? You sounded distressed in the voicemail you left me. I know you were worried about Eddie, but…” she trailed off, letting the sentence linger. “It felt like there was something more that you were worried about. Maybe I’m reading too deeply into things. It’s rare you call me in a panic like that, Buck. My heart almost escaped my body, when I listened to your voicemail.”

“Oh,” Buck exhaled, forgetting to think about how he sounded to everyone else in his pursuit to locate Eddie. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“I’m your sister, Buck. It’s in my job description to worry. It’s also in my job description to help you out, when there’s something that worries you,” Maddie led on. “Want to talk about it?”

“Shouldn’t you be getting ready for bed?” Buck asked, a brush of heated embarrassment flickering at his neck from Maddie’s concern. He shouldn’t have blown things out of proportion. He should’ve had a cooler head, when he woke up and saw Eddie had left. 

“I can stay up a little later and talk to you. What’s going on Buck?” Maddie implored, not being distracted by Buck’s attempt at changing the topic. 

Buck paused to swallow a lump of emotion in his throat. 

“I was so afraid, Maddie,” Buck admitted. 

“Okay, what were you afraid of?” Maddie asked, speaking softly in a hushed tone as though she was talking to a frightened child. 

Buck exhaled shakily, the breaths scratching against his throat like sandpaper. He bit the corner of his lip, resolving to beat away the emotion that wanted to fall from his mouth. The emotion was brittle and belligerent. 

“I was afraid that…” Buck blinked rapidly, dispelling the tears that swam into his eyes.

He raised his head to the ceiling, praying that the fan would dry the translucent rivulets. The panic had left him and in its place it left imprints of apprehension. His dismal mood slithered back into his consciousness, hungrily sinking its teeth into his neck. 

He had fallen into Eddie’s bed and thought he would be fine, after locating him. Yet finding Eddie was only a fraction of his panic. Maddie’s question brought to attention the other things that caused Buck’s panic. 

He coughed into his hand and cleared his throat. Maddie allowed him to take his time to gather himself. He listened to the calming staccato of her breathing. 

What was he so afraid of? Why did he become over-wrought with trepidation, when he woke up and saw Eddie wasn’t there? Why was his first instinct to panic? 

“What were you afraid of, Buck?” Maddie asked, sensing he needed to be prompted to answer. 

“I was afraid that I had woken up and he was gone again,” Buck further explained, hanging his head low in shame even though Maddie couldn’t see him. 

“Buck,” Maddie softly breathed. “Why were you afraid he would be gone? He’s left your place before, right? What about tonight was different?”

“I don’t know, Maddie.”

“I think you do, Buck. Are you afraid that things will change if you acknowledge what made you panic? Are you afraid that it wasn’t waking up and seeing him gone that had you panicked, but something else? Sure, maybe the fear is in part due Eddie leaving, but it’s not the full reason. Is it, Buck?” 

Buck sniffled as tears ran down his chin and stained Eddie’s bedsheets. His chin quivered as he desperately tried to hold himself together. He bent his body forward, wrapping one arm around himself. He fell back into old habits of trying to self-soothe himself. Staying in his bed wasn’t enough. All he wanted was Eddie. 

He thought he could fool himself into believing it would be enough. But he needed him here.

He kept crying. His breaths gargled glass and scraped the broken pieces against his tongue. He beat at his chest, wanting it to stop because it’d be better than feeling all of this paralyzing fear. 

“Maddie,” Buck rasped, mouth trembling. “Maddie, I can’t.”

“Why? What’s holding you back?” Maddie said and he could hear the way her breath caught while she listened to his cries. 

Buck tightened his hand on his phone. His hand shook from how tightly he was holding the thin device. He relaxed his hand to drop the phone onto the bed and put it on speaker. He stood up from the bed and began pacing the room. 

What made tonight different? 

What held him back? 

Why was he afraid? 

His thoughts circulated in his mind, going back and forth like a tennis match. His head hurt from the different directions his thoughts were being pulled. 

“Because I can't want this right now,” Buck loudly exclaimed, dispersing the thoughts in his mind. They fell away in the recess of his subconscious. His shoulders shot up to his chin. He ran his hands through his hair, frustratingly pulling at the strands. 

“I can’t want this,” Buck said a second later, in a more reserved tone. 

“Why?” Maddie implored, helping Buck organize his thoughts. “Why can’t you want this? What is it exactly that you want?”

Buck turned back to where his phone was still lying on the bed. He continued pacing around Eddie’s room. 

“I can’t want this right now,” Buck explained, hoping Maddie would understand. 

“Why?” Maddie asked. 

Buck sighed frustratingly. What happened to twin telepathy? Alright, he and Maddie weren't’ twins. But couldn’t they tap into some sibling telepathy? Things would be much easier for him, if Maddie could understand the conflicting surge of emotions in his mind. 

“I can’t want this right now because he’s not ready, Maddie. I’m trying to be patient because I think he feels the same way. Then I start to wonder, if I should feel sure about this. I feel lost because maybe I’m running on speculation. I want to reach out, but what if I do and he runs away. What if my feelings are too much that it’ll make him want to run? Or what if my feelings aren’t enough for him to stay?” Buck ranted in harsh pants. 

“Buck, breathe. Take a few seconds,” Maddie instructed. 

He shook his head because Maddie wasn’t getting it. How could she? Buck didn’t understand how to put into words all the inner turmoil he was facing. 

“I don’t trust myself to want this — to want Eddie. Yet I can’t stop. In the back of my mind, I knew I was always searching for Eddie in every person I dated. That’s messed up, right? Unknowingly, as soon as I met him I began searching for him in everybody and anybody who wasn’t him. Because I thought that was the only way I could have him.”

Buck looked at himself in the mirror, hating how vulnerable he looked. 

“It’s like my heart was moving forward, in hopes that my brain would eventually catch up. It was shortening the distance, when I met Tommy. But I was still so far from catching up to where my heart had already planted its home.”

Buck stopped talking. 

“So yes, Maddie. I’m terrified. I’m fucking terrified that I’ll wake up one day and Eddie will be gone, before I can even catch up to the place my heart has led me. And I want to catch up, so badly.” 

Maddie hummed in consideration, taking in all that Buck was saying. “I get it-”

Buck sucked in a gravelly breath of air. He stepped away from the mirror and continued wearing a hole into Eddie’s wood floors as he continued to pace. He interrupted Maddie, before she could say she got it — that she understood. Because she couldn’t. 

"You don’t get it, Maddie. I don’t think anyone can possibly begin to understand the way I want him — the way I need him. I need him with a soul aching desperation. It’s as though my body refuses to imagine an existence in which he’s gone from my presence. My mind immediately shuts down, merely at the thought of that scenario. I could say this fear started after the coma, but truthfully it only made the fear infinitely worse. I started being afraid of losing him the very first moment we met.”

He hadn’t even known how to eloquently describe that fear, but he was trying his best to put it into words. 

“It was like some string of fate tethered me to him that day,” Buck smiled, reflecting on the first time they met. “Fate wrapped a string around my wrist and I followed its direction, leading me to him. Felt like he was made for me and that scared me.”

Buck’s voice grew softer the more he talked. The intensity of his feelings transitioned into a tender wisp of fondness as he thought back to the first time he met Eddie. 

“I never thought I would meet someone like him and I never imagined I would get to keep him. I couldn’t allow myself to believe he would stay, but he did. He stayed and yet I was still scared to hope for more. Fear like that feels debilitating and yet I couldn’t stop its vindictive hold on me. I don’t know if I care to get over the fear because some part of me wants to be reminded of how dangerously alone I would feel, if he were to leave —  and it makes me remember that I can’t mess that up. I can’t be the reason he leaves, not again Maddie. I can’t have him run away.” 

“Buck, you weren’t the reason he moved to dispatch,” Maddie stated, already knowing where Buck’s thoughts were heading. Okay, so they did have sibling telepathy. 

“I didn’t give him a reason to stay either,” Buck bit out. “Part of me didn’t push as strong as I knew I could have because I knew he’d be safe. I couldn’t protect him that day, but I could protect him by not pushing him too hard to come back.”

“Buck, you pulled him out of danger. What happened to Eddie wasn’t your fault. Eddie made the decision that best fit him at the time and he returned later. He came back.”

“I know,” Buck quickly said. 

“Do you? Have you been talking to Dr. Copeland about this?” Maddie gently inquired. 

“Not really. There’s already so much I have to talk about. I don’t want to add more to the growing list.”

“Buck, that’s the purpose of your appointments. It’s to talk about everything. And talk Eddie about this too. I doubt he wants you to suffer through this alone,” Maddie professed. 

Buck wiped at his face, getting rid of dry tears. “I don’t want him to leave me and it looks like sometimes he’s one second from running. He just needs a reason to. What if this is too much for him to deal with? What if I’m too much? I don’t want to be the reason he leaves, Maddie.”

Maddie spoke to him softly, voice tight with an emotion she often wrangled with and lost against. “Buck, have you given him the chance to tell you that he’ll stay?”

Buck grew silent at the inquiry. 

“I may not know Eddie as well as you do, but I can tell you with full confidence that Eddie wouldn’t want you feeling this way, if he could help it. You have to talk to him.”

“I know,” Buck agreed, wanting to put an end to this conversation. “Look, it’s getting late. I have an early shift tomorrow and you probably need to start getting ready for bed too. I’ll let you go.”

“Buck,” Maddie sighed. “Alright, I’ll let you go then. Talk to Eddie, okay.”

“I’ll talk to Eddie. I will.”

“Good. Goodnight, Buck. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Buck replied, walking back to the bed to grab his phone and end the call. 

He got back into Eddie’s bed and reflected on what Maddie said. How much could he say to Eddie without revealing everything? Did he need to say something at all? Couldn’t he get over this issue all in a day’s time? He could brush this aside. It wouldn’t be a concern come morning. 

His warring thoughts continued to run around in his mind, even as he fell asleep. 

That following morning, he found it hard to go through their calls. He was so tired. He had been ready for their shift to end the moment he stepped into the station. Thankfully, it was only a 12 hour shift. Buck would not have made it had it been any longer. Buck was barely making it now. Eddie didn’t look that much better as he came in to work, looking like death warmed over. 

He had felt Eddie’s eyes on him all throughout their shift, but he had managed to avoid him. He let out a sigh of relief, when he made it to the end of his shift without Eddie pulling him aside to talk. 

He should have known better than to think he could get away with avoiding Eddie. 

He knew Eddie well enough to realize that he was waiting for an opportune moment where they would be alone. Seeing as how they didn’t have much privacy during their shift today, he shouldn’t have been surprised, when Eddie showed up to his loft and burst into his place. 

“Umm, hello to you too?” Buck drawled out, tilting his head in confusion as he closed the door. 

“What’s wrong with you? You’ve been acting strange all day," Eddie said, jumping straight to the point. “You didn’t talk to me all day, but you kept staring at me. Then every time I looked up, you would quickly turn away. I thought I had something on my face. I kept running to the restroom to check and make sure I didn’t have something in my teeth.”

“I wasn’t staring,” Buck mumbled under his breath. He didn’t think Eddie would have noticed. 

“Yes, you were. I want to know why. I’m the one that came to work hungover, but you’re the one that looked like they were one second from passing out.”

“I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night,” Buck muttered, walking past Eddie and toward his kitchen. He pulled out two bottles of water, handing one of them to Eddie. 

“Why didn’t you get any sleep last night?” Eddie asked, taking the offered water bottle. He uncapped it and waited for Buck’s answer. 

“You haven’t checked your voicemail?” Buck surprisingly inquired. 

“No, I haven’t checked my voicemails today. Why?” 

“Umm, that’s good. That’s really good. Actually, it’d be best, if you delete all the voicemails I left you from last night,” Buck stuttered, placing his water bottle back on the counter. 

Eddie always checked his voicemails. He wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth though. He held back his sigh of relief. 

“Buck.”

“Yes.”

“Are you okay?” Eddie asked. He set aside his water bottle and focused his attention on him. 

“Fine,” Buck chirped as Eddie stood closer. 

“You’re lying,” Eddie exclaimed. He looked up at him, turning pensive eyes toward him. “Why are you lying?”

“I’m not lying,” Buck refuted. He backed away a few steps, moving slightly forward when his back hit the sharp corner of his kitchen counter. 

“Yes, you are,” Eddie claimed, moving further to block Buck in. “Does this relate to the night I took you home? Are you worried you said something weird? You didn’t say anything to be concerned about.”

Buck jaw clenched as his cheeks grew flushed. “No, I’m not worried about that.”

“Ah, but you are worried about something,” Eddie exclaimed. He pointed his finger at him like he had caught Buck in a gotcha moment.

Eddie moved his head to the side. Buck cleared his throat and pushed at Eddie’s shoulder to get him to move. They were too close right now and Buck couldn't handle it. He was barely holding on to the last remnants of his sanity. 

Their closeness felt eerily similar to the way they were positioned in the bar’s restroom. He wondered if the bruise on his hip was healing. His hand raised in the space between them to check, before letting his hand fall by his side. 

“Wait…what was that look?” Eddie questioned. 

“What look?” 

“That look,” Eddie replied. He pulled his face in a look that resembled a horrified wince. 

“Eddie, that’s a grossly offensive exaggeration. My face does not look like that,” Buck laughed. 

Eddie smirked and Buck realized what he was doing. His laughter cooled down as Eddie regarded him with a careful look of consideration and concern. He awkwardly shifted his weight onto his other leg, as he stepped back. 

“Buck. What’s going on with you?” Eddie asked, once his laughter had petered off to a breathless exhale. 

Buck turned his head to the side, not able to look at Eddie for this. He wasn’t going to let this go, at least not anytime soon. Maddie did say he needed to talk to Eddie. Dr. Copeland also said it wasn’t good bottling things up to later spill over and cause a mess to be slipped on. 

“I can’t go to sleep, okay. I’m having a hard time going to sleep these past few days,” Buck confessed, leaning back further against the counter. 

“A few days?” Eddie frowned. 

“Yeah, and I didn’t get a lot of good sleep yesterday either.”

“Figured you didn’t,” Eddie tentatively hinted. 

His expression told Buck everything he needed to know. Buck wanted to find the nearest corner he could hide in. No, he’d rather pack his bags right now and take the earliest flight to the middle of nowhere. 

“You listened to the voicemails,” Buck screeched, voice rising in a high infliction. He cleared his throat and lowered his voice. “You said that you didn’t listen to them.”

“Sorry, I lied. You had a rough day by the looks of it and I didn’t want to make things worse,” Eddie shrugged. 

“Thanks. I appreciate that,,” Buck voiced, words drenched in sarcasm. “Actually, why didn’t you just continue pretending you never heard the voicemails. That would’ve saved me the embarrassment I’m currently feeling.”

“Buck,” Eddie repeated his name. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You were concerned that I had somehow gone missing in the night.”

“I didn’t think that,” Buck softly said. At Eddie’s prompting to repeat himself, he said in a louder voice, “I didn’t think that you had gone missing…or at least not in the way you mean it.”

“Then how?” Eddie curiously asked. “Hey, talk to me. At least tell me why you’ve been having troubles going to sleep. I meant to ask you about it, when you mentioned having trouble fall asleep the night I took you home.”

Buck lowered his eyes down to stare at Eddie’s shoes. He looked at the way they were carefully double knotted because his laces always came unloose and Eddie hated having to redo them. His shoes grew closer, as he raised his foot to gently tap at Buck’s toes. 

“Hey,” Eddie spoke, ducking his head down to catch his gaze. “You can talk to me. I’ve had my fair share of sleepless nights brought upon by stress, nightmares, procrastination, and everything else. I’d be the last person to judge you for not being able to sleep.”

He raised his head up and Eddie followed like there was a string pulling him in every direction Buck turned.  

“You know I always had a hard time going to sleep as a kid,” Buck started to explain, not knowing why he was choosing to start from the beginning. “My mom said I was restless the moment I entered this world. I’m restless even now on a good day.”

“You’re not restless. You’re energetic,” Eddie defended, poking him in the chest. 

Buck reached out, grabbing his index finger and lowering it. Eddie’s eyes widened as he linked their fingers together, before pulling his hand back. Eddie looked down at his hand as though he was mystified by the gesture, captured in a subdued sort of awe. Buck wanted to see what would happen, if he fully took his hand into his own. 

“Energetic, sure. I’ll go with that. I was an energetic kid and needed things to do. Maddie and I have an age gap, so we didn’t really play together all that often, when we were younger. I had to fill my day with things because I was bored at home. My parents didn’t like how sociable I was, since I kept getting invited to hangout and play with the kids at my school. Most of the time they wouldn't let me to go to my friend's house because they were too busy. I asked if we could instead invite them to our house, but my mom didn't like having company over.” 

He continued speaking, knowing if he stopped he wouldn’t want to continue. 

“On the rare occasions, my parents let me go over to one of my friend's house, I kind of hated it. I hated it because I knew I'd be going back to a house of silence, when all of my other friends went back to houses that felt like home. After a long day of playing, I didn't like going to sleep even though I was so tired. Going to sleep, reminded me that I was alone. So I stayed up all night. Then I realized that was the only way I could get my parents to acknowledge me,” Buck breathlessly admitted. 

“What do you mean? They didn’t talk to you for the whole day?” Eddie angrily seethed. 

“They would tell me to go to bed, shut off my lights, and go to sleep. Sometimes that was the only thing they said to me that day. One time I tried staying up as long as I could, because I thought that’s how people passed out,” Buck laughed, thinking about how naïve he was to believe that was true. 

Eddie’s eyes glistened as he took in Buck’s words. 

“I wanted to pass out and have my parents race to the school. I wanted their attention. I wanted them to worry about me for once,” he sighed. “It happened one time, after I stayed up for 24 hours. Passed out in my pre-algebra class. My mom came running to the school, took me home and stayed by my side the whole week."

Eddie stared at him, mouth drawn into a thin line. Anger bled out and sympathy circled around his irises. He looked at Buck with an openness that made him feel comfortable to continue telling him something that he had only ever told to Maddie. He hadn't even discussed this with Dr. Copeland yet. 

"Next time I tried staying up for 30 hours. I passed out and my dad picked me up. We spent the whole day together. Eventually, my body got used to the lack of sleep. I stopped passing out and I lost my parents' attention. It didn't matter. It was too late. By then it had already became a competition with myself. How long could I go without sleeping?” 

Buck began to rub at the calluses on his hand, in order to avert his attention from Eddie’s penetrative stare. 

“I tried to keep my days full with activities. I joined every club and organization at my school. I hung out with different groups of friends, so I’d always have somewhere to be after school or during the weekend. They used to tell me I was the friend that’d be up to do anything because I was rarely home,” Buck tersely said. “I liked their approval. So I stayed out late, even though I was bone tired. They called me anytime they needed company. I made myself available even when I was exhausted.”

“Your parents never noticed? I can only imagine that the effects of no sleep would be very visible on you,” Eddie angrily questioned. 

“I wanted them to notice,” Buck sadly smiled. “They never did. By the time I noticed they wouldn’t care, it was already too late. I had conditioned myself to hate sleep. I was bored by it. At night, I would try every method to go to sleep. It didn’t work. Eventually, I gave up. I would get enough sleep to get me through the day. That’s all I needed.”

“How long did you struggle with not going to sleep? It changed, once you left home, right?”

“I wish. Habits are hard to break. In my long list of travels, I wanted to do everything. Sleep got in the way. I avoided sleep as long as I could. I consumed more caffeine than the daily recommended amount. My sleeping habits only got better, when Bobby pulled me aside my first year at the 118.”

“Bobby gave you his patented five-star advice?” Eddie joked. 

Buck smiled. “Oh, yeah he did. Talked about all the health benefits of going to sleep. He told me, if I didn’t get at least six hours of sleep he was going to lock me in his office and force me to take a nap. I thought he was joking.”

“He wasn’t,” Eddie grinned, already knowing how much Bobby wanted them to take care of themselves. 

“No, he wasn’t. He sat me down and made me make a sleeping schedule. I had to report to him every day about how many hours I slept. He told me it wasn’t safe for me nor was it safe for the people I’d be helping, if I wasn’t at my best. He said sleep was good not only for your physical well-being, but also your mental well-being.” 

Something like recognition flashed in Eddie’s eyes and then as quick as it came it quickly went away. 

“So I tried slowing down. I tried to appreciate going to sleep for longer than three hours a day. I still had moments where I wanted to stay awake, but they were few and far between. It was made better, when I met you,” Buck confessed. 

He paused at the confession as Eddie’s eyes widened. 

“When you met me? How’d I help?” Eddie asked. 

“I finally found a calming peace in my sleep, when I came over to your house and fell asleep on your couch. I could come over to your house and just go to sleep. For the first time, I didn’t feel like I had to be doing something, for someone to care about me, if that makes any sense. It probably doesn’t.”

“It does,” Eddie assured. “Trust me. It makes sense.”

Right, he shouldn’t have doubted that Eddie wouldn’t know what he was talking about. They had slept on each other’s couches more times than he could count. 

“I started to appreciate sleep. All those benefits, I thought were hearsay, were true. I finally developed a healthy sleeping habit,” Buck stated. “Then I went into a coma. It was kind of ironic that the guy who hated going to sleep was now in a perpetual state of unconsciousness.”

Eddie reached out and grabbed ahold of him. He ran his hands up and down his arm, while Buck pretended that he wasn’t beginning to shake at the reminder of being in a coma. He was struggling to make sense of the panic, but found it easier to talk through it with Eddie holding on to him and looking at him with diligent consideration. 

He didn’t impatiently rush him, complaining that Buck was taking too long. He wasn’t staring at him as though his fears were a nuisance. Eddie looked fixedly at him like he was inspecting the best way to get rid of the anxious thoughts marring his mind. 

When his hands started to twitch, Eddie interlaced his fingers with his own and steadied them. 

“After the coma…after the…the-”

He stopped as his voice grew hoarse in the few seconds he didn’t talk. He licked his lips that had grown dry. Why was it so hard to talk about this? 

“It’s okay. Take your time,” Eddie soothed in reposeful reassurance. 

Eddie raised one hand to gently caress Buck’s face. He rubbed his thumb along his jaw and began breathing slowly. Buck mirrored the breaths, air crackling back into lungs that had been sealed closed. 

Eddie inhaled slowly and exhaled in an even slower manner. His peaceful mien proved to be highly beneficial toward calming Buck down. He placed his hand on top of Eddie’s, leaning into the affection. He dropped his forehead down to Eddie’s and continued breathing. 

“I’m right here,” Eddie comforted. 

Buck closed his eyes to allow himself to center his thoughts. With a tinge of regret, he drew their hands back down to their sides. Eddie’s other hand was still on his arm, looking like he was afraid that he’d step away from him. Buck placed his hand back on Eddie’s hip to show him that he wasn’t going anywhere. He moved his head away, so he could look at Eddie while he talked. 

He took one more fortifying breath and continued where he had left off. 

“I couldn’t fall asleep. Every time I tried, I’d be right back there. When I got back to active duty, I started asking to take on extra shifts just so I wouldn’t have to go home and fail to go to sleep. It wasn’t even the coma that scared me. Not really. It was the thought that I had gone back to a place where you weren't there,” Buck despondently admitted. 

“Buck. You didn’t tell me you were having troubles with that,” Eddie mournfully exclaimed. “Is that why you sounded so panicked in your voicemail?”

Buck had talked at length about his coma dream with Eddie. But he had left out how damaging Eddie’s absence was to his psyche. He didn’t want Eddie to worry about him, indirectly thinking that he was a cause of Buck’s mental stress. 

“Eddie, it's been so long since I panicked like that. I really thought you were gone and I couldn’t calm down. As soon as I saw that you weren’t there on the couch, I thought I was back in the coma. And everything was so clean. Everything had been put back in its original spot. I didn’t think that you had cleaned up before you left.” Buck faltered. “I thought I had imagined you being there. That sounds crazy, right?”

Eddie shook his head, tightening his hold on his arm. “It doesn’t sound crazy at all. Fear can manipulate how we perceive things.”

“I got better, I promise. I swear to you Eddie. It isn’t like this anymore. It’s not supposed to be like this anymore. I worked through it. I did. I don’t know what happened last night,” he rushed to explain. “I thought I was getting better.”

“Progress isn’t linear. Sometimes you’ll have those days where you feel like you’ve taken a few steps back. There may come days when fear creeps up on you. It happens. Yesterday was that day, right?” Eddie soothed. “You’re afraid that you’ll wake up and I’ll be gone.”

“Sounds silly, when you put it that way,” Buck cringed in a deprecating manner, hating how his hands shook. 

“It’s not silly at all. Buck, you can always talk to me about anything whether silly or serious. If it matters to you, it matters to me. If it’s something that scares you, let me know. I’ll try everything in my power to make the thing that you’re scared of not have power over you. So what can I do? What can I do to help you not be afraid?” he quietly implored. 

Buck didn’t know what to say. 

It was so silent in the space between them, whenever they weren’t talking. Buck could hear the low humming sound of his refrigerator. Eddie came impossibly closer to him, breath ghosting over his collarbone. 

He was close enough to him that he began inhaling every breath Eddie exhaled. He could taste mint in the air, a consequence of Eddie always brushing his teeth, once their shift ended. 

“Do you need me to wake you up, whenever I leave and you're asleep?” Eddie offered, bringing his hand back to where it had been on his shoulder. “Will that help?” 

The thought of him leaving at all had him twitching his hand on Eddie’s waist, keeping him rooted in his spot. His fingers spread apart, wanting to cover as much of Eddie as he could. His fingers caused his shirt to wrinkle, under his touch. 

Reflexively, the hand on Buck’s shoulder tightened and moved up an inch, almost pressed into the hollowed indent of his collarbone. Buck pulled him closer to himself and Eddie easily allowed himself to be guided closer. Buck’s hand flexed on his waist. Eddie’s back curved to accommodate the pressure there. 

Eddie’s breath hitched as his eyes darted around his face, never being able to settle on one feature. Buck took his lack of focus, to take in all the minute changes in Eddie’s face. Buck had been sleepy and he was almost swaying on his feet from his exhaustion. 

Yet it was Eddie who had a look of restlessness that scared Buck. If Buck had a bone-deep exhaustion, Eddie had a soul-deep exhaustion. The pallor of his face concerned him. It seemed like the world kept taking more and more from Eddie, leaving him a poor reflection of himself. His eyes lacked their usual brightness, even as they lit up as they traveled over Buck’s face. 

Buck idly drew circles on Eddie’s skin as his thumb slipped under the hem of his shirt. If Buck hadn’t felt the way goose-bumps rose on his skin, he wouldn’t have noticed Eddie was affected by his touch. He pushed into the touch like he was desperate for Buck’s hands on him. 

After carefully observing Buck, Eddie refocused his eyes to meet his. Clearly, he found whatever he had been hoping to see. Eddie ran his hand down Buck’s shoulder to grab the hand that was on his waist. He moved his hand along Buck’s arm to encircle his wrist, pulling him away from the counter. 

“Okay, Buck. I won’t leave. You look like you’re one step from becoming one with the ground,” he said, pulling Buck by the wrist. He began leading him upstairs to his room. 

“What are you doing?” Buck questioned, though he allowed himself to be led. 

“Going to your room so we can go to sleep,” Eddie said like there hadn’t been any other natural conclusion to be made. 

“I’m not sleepy,” Buck lied. 

“Buck, your eyes are blood-shot red.”

“I’m trying new contacts.” 

“You have 20/20 vision. I took you to your last eye appointment.” Eddie stopped midway up the stairs, causing Buck to stumble into his back. “Do you really want to spend the night lying to me?”

“No,” Buck wisely answered. 

“Okay, come on,” Eddie said, continuing to pull Buck by his wrist. 

“Aren’t you hungry? Can’t we order food?” Buck asked, once they had made it to his room. He tried not to openly mourn the way Eddie stepped away from him and released the hold on his wrist.

“Buck, we just got done eating at the station. You complimented Bobby on the meal and ate three servings. You took home leftovers. Plus there’s food in the fridge. I can make you something, if you get hungry. But you’re not hungry right now, are you? You’re trying to stall, when you know that you need to go to sleep and not worry that I’ll be gone by the time you wake up.”

He stood awkwardly as Eddie moved around like this was his room instead of Buck’s. 

Eddie began taking off his jeans and started to fold them. “I’m borrowing one of your shirts.”

“Okay, that’s fine. Wait, what? Eddie, what are you doing?” Buck asked, completely baffled by the turn of events. 

Eddie began rummaging through his closet, making an “aha” sound as soon as he found the shirt he wanted to wear. He took off his shirt and pulled on a t-shirt that fell a little loosely on Buck’s body, so Eddie was almost swimming in it. 

“This is a nice shirt. Man, you always have the softest shirts. I’m jealous. Aren’t you going to get dressed or undressed? Don’t get in bed with your outside clothes on,” Eddie warned. 

“Umm,” Buck confusedly hummed. 

“Is this weird for you? I know we haven’t slept in the same bed together on purpose, since lockdown. But I thought maybe, since you wanted me to stay that night…maybe it was different because you were drunk. Yeah, this was a weird idea.”

Eddie was beginning to look frazzled like he had miscalculated what Buck wanted. He couldn’t have him thinking he wanted him anywhere else than his bed. He quickly took off his jeans, falling to the floor in his haste to get one leg out of his jeans. 

“Buck!” Eddie shouted as he heard the loud thump then saw Buck’s body unravel toward the ground. 

“I’m okay,” Buck answered from where he had fallen. “I’m okay. Don’t move. I’m fine. Umm, no. This idea isn’t weird. I think it’ll be helpful. Yes, it’ll be very helpful. Very much approve of this idea. Genius idea, actually. Wish I had thought of it sooner.”

A snicker of laughter escaped Eddie. “Okay. Don’t hurt yourself. I’m not going anywhere.”

He finished getting undressed with minimal falling this time. Eddie looked over at him, a soft smile decorating his face. Buck had never felt so awkward getting into bed with someone. He had done this many times. Why did it feel different? 

He got into the bed and pulled the covers over himself and rigidly laid down. 

“Why are you going to sleep like that? You look like an ironing board. Relax, it’s just me. You said you were having trouble sleeping that night because you thought I left, right? I should’ve told you that I was leaving before I left.”

“Yeah, that would have been nice,” Buck agreed. 

Eddie nodded his head in apology. “Alright, I’ll do that. Maybe spending one night together, when I don’t leave without saying I’m gone, might help you.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Eddie narrowed his eyes on him. “Or not?”

“I don’t know. I told you that I’d get over it.”

Eddie didn’t look like he liked Buck’s lackadaisical response. He took it as a challenge, choosing to slide closer to him. 

“What are you doing?” Buck said in an alarmingly high squeak as Eddie’s body pressed against him. He hoped his heart wasn’t beating loudly enough for Eddie to hear. 

“Here,” Eddie said, putting his arm under Buck’s shoulder. “If we’re too tangled in each other, you’ll feel me get up and leave. You’re a hard sleeper, but you always wake up at someone moving you around. It’ll also be a good reminder for me to tell you I’m going somewhere. Even if it’s to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, you’ll know.”

“Your arm is going to fall asleep like that,” Buck warned, but raised his body up a little so Eddie could slide his arm underneath him. 

“Don’t care,” Eddie waved off, shuffling around the bed. “Is this what you need, right now?”

He needed this always, but he’d settled for being okay with it right now. It felt wrong to admit it though. Fortunately, Eddie took one look at him and didn’t need him to say anything else. 

“Then I’m fine. Let me help you, okay. Will you let me do that?” Eddie whispered, laying his head down on the pillow next to him. 

“Okay,” Buck sighed, breath rustling the sheets over Eddie’s chest. 

“You can find peaceful rest in me. Let me be the one to give you rest,” Eddie whispered, fingers lightly grazing his eyes to where Buck’s eyelashes fluttered against the palm of his hand. “Go to sleep, Buck. I promise, I’m not leaving you. I’m going to stay right here. I’ll still be here when you wake up. It’s okay. You can go to sleep now.”

With the arm not pinned under Buck’s back, Eddie began running his hands through Buck’s hair. Buck relaxed as Eddie’s fingers pulled gently at the strands of his hair. His fingers twirled around a curl that had fallen down against his forehead. 

Buck wanted to stay awake in this constant stream of tranquility. He desired the type of stillness Eddie tenderly provided for him. He permitted himself to slide his hand around Eddie and onto the curve of his body. He had given himself over to Buck, completely willing to be of service to him. 

Buck knew how much Eddie liked his personal space, yet here he was tangled in a manner that was so intimately interwoven. Eddie closed his eyes as he continued to trail his fingers though Buck’s hair and over his face. He wondered if he could feel how warm his skin became under his attention. 

I love you, the thought came to him like the caress of a gentle breeze against warm skin. 

I love you. 

I love you.

I love you.

The confession felt as real and honest as if it had been said it aloud. It crackled under his tongue like electricity, shocking his heart awake. He wanted to trace Eddie’s face, memorize him in ways his eyes only had the pleasure of doing. 

He wanted to press a kiss, underneath his eyes where that tiny mole appeared like a star isolated from the multitude of stars in the wide expansive sky. The stars could only be jealous of the rare beauty Eddie encompassed. There was not a single star worthy enough of being named after him. 

I love you, the thought relentlessly tugged at him and urged him to say it. 

Eddie would flourish under his attentive love. He didn’t think Eddie had ever truly been loved with a dawning urgency.  His heart swelled to the point he was worried it would expand out of his chest. 

“Go to sleep. I’ll start playing children’s lullabies, if you think that’ll help. Stop fighting sleep, Buck. I can tell you’re exhausted,” Eddie whispered again, turning Buck away from his ruminations. 

Buck wanted to fight sleep. He wanted to beg his mind to give him a few more minutes to take this moment in. However, his body grew relaxed with how safe and comfortable he felt. Buck wondered if Eddie had a magical touch. Had someone taught him how to soothe people to sleep or had it come naturally? 

“All of a sudden, I’m finding it hard to,” Buck confessed. 

Eddie blinked up at him. “Why?”

“I want to keep looking at you,” Buck timidly disclosed, only letting him in to half of the reason. “I’m scared that I’ll close my eyes and you’ll be gone.”

“Buck,” Eddie’s voice dipped. The ending consonant of his name faded away. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” Buck emphasized. 

He hoped Eddie would understand his inclination of wanting to watch him even when his eyes burned with exhaustion. Buck moved forward as Eddie’s warm hand moved over his spine and shoulder blades. His touch mollified his fears and elicited a desire to relinquish his anxious thoughts over to him. 

“You’re not going to lose me,” Eddie promised. 

“Can we make promises like that?” Buck cautioned. 

“I can,” Eddie sternly said, leaving no room for Buck to question the validity and belief in the promise. “For you, I can make that promise.” 

In their line of work, it wouldn’t be fair to make such promises. Yet Buck wanted Eddie to vow to him that he would never lose him. He wanted the promise to be sacred. It was a vow, spoken between two people who had neither the authority to make that type of promise nor the right to take it as an assurance —  that the world would look favorably upon them and protect the sanctity of that vow. 

Despite his apprehension, he put all of his faith into that promise. 

“Sleep,” Eddie kindly coaxed, voice growing infinitely softer as sleep sought him out. 

Buck covered his yawn, but it didn’t hide the way his jaw popped. He should go to sleep. Tiredness weighed so heavily on him and Eddie was taking notice of his losing fight against sleep. He smiled at him, the type of smile that Buck had grown to think was perfectly designed with him in mind.

“I’ll be here when you wake up. You can look at me then. You don’t have to worry about me disappearing. Trust me. It’s okay to go to sleep now.”

With the promise that he’d be there in the morning, Buck conceded to his demands. He let the last remaining tendrils of panic, from last night, be washed away with the tide. He exhaled all the tension in his body and finally gave in to sleep’s lulling call.