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In the stained mirror, Ennis del Mar ran a hand through his wispy hair. He had not taken the time to make himself presentable for months ; the last time he needed to do so was for a family dinner. Ennis did not want anyone, especially his little girls, to see him in what was nowadays his regular state: worn out jeans stained with years of the dirt and mud of the countryside, jackets that had popped buttons or torn zippers, and old shirts that he could not bother to iron. Luckily for him, he had an unused, silky light blue button-up. The occasion? His daughter, Jenny, called him out of the blue last evening. Clearly it was important– to Ennis’ dismay, her call was constantly interrupted by hiccups and sobs, to which he asked her who he needed to do violence to. Jenny quickly objected to that suggestion, telling her father that it was a “her problem”, and that she wanted to talk about it in person. Ennis was reluctant to let his daughter see the condition that his small trailer was in, but he would never turn down a favor from his little girl; it was the least he could do. Besides, perhaps it was a wakeup call to toss out all the beer bottles scattered about the floor, the piling cigarettes that laid on the ashtray. He knew his daughter knew that he was a mess, but he was not particularly fond of showing it off.
He ran one final set of fingers through his graying hair before answering the knock at the door, navigating his way through a slightly less cluttered home. When he opened the door, there she was– his beloved daughter, who did not change much in appearance minus the shoulder-length haircut. His eyes widened and his eyebrows furrowed, casting a concerned look over Jenny who was red in the face from crying. “Dad,” she managed to get out before wrapping her arms around him in a warm embrace. Ennis returned the hug with ease, cradling her in his arms like he did when she was little. “Darlin’-- Jenny– c’mere,” he replied with a stutter as comforting others was something he still struggled to do after all of these years. He pulled away for a moment to gaze upon his beautiful child, grazing his hand lightly along her cheek to wipe off a tear. “Come inside,” he said while leading her in, closing the door behind her, “and take a seat– shit.” Ennis muttered discontently under his breath as he discovered that he left some of his old clothes on his only available chair. After picking them up, he cleared his throat and gestured towards it for Jenny to sit down. She quietly did so, trying to maintain her composure despite the fact her hands trembled and her eyes watered.
“You, um… want some coffee?” Ennis admittedly felt scatterbrained trying to navigate his own trailer now that one of his loved ones had arrived. Jenny gave a small smile, trying not to remember the flavor of the bitter, burnt coffee he made for her in past visits. “No thank you, Daddy.”
“Suit yerself,” A wave of relief came over him as he realized he had just run out of coffee beans. He pulled an uneven, rickety wooden stool from underneath a small table and sat across from her, giving her an expectant look while he watched her fidget in her seat– it was unlike Jenny to be moving around this much, as far as he knew. Throughout her evident internal suffering, she spoke up like nothing had happened.
“Your place, it’s…” she paused, squinting her eyes at an overflow of random junk stuffed into a kitchen cabinet, “...cozy. It’s nice.”
“What’s goin’ on, Jenny?” Ennis blurted, straight to the point. It clearly took Jenny by surprise, as she froze and her fake smile dropped to a grimace. She took a shaky breath, fiddling with her hands while she could not even bear to look her father in the eye.
“Sorry, it’s just… I feel like if I tell you this, you’ll hate me forever. At the same time, I feel like… I feel like yer the most likely to understand. It’s somethin’ I can’t tell Mom and Monroe.”
Ennis scooted his stool closer to her, and took the hand that rested in her bouncing lap. At the display of comfort Jenny looked into her father’s sincere eyes.
“I’ll never hate you, ever. And I’m sure yer mother feels the same. Tell me whatever you need to tell me,” he murmured, his low, raspy yet comforting voice tore through Jenny’s sniffles and stutters, “I love you, I hate t’see you like this.”
“...’m sorry, Dad.”
“Don’t be. Tell me so I can fix it.”
Jenny took a deep breath, her grip tightening around her father’s hand. Doing her best to pay no mind to her racing heart and her tears that still persisted, she spoke.
“Well… you know how I… I got that job to try an’ make some money so I can… I can go to school, yeah?”
“The job at the, um… grocery place up north, right?”
Jenny gave a soft smile to nudge him in the right direction. “No, I work as a waitress now. It pays a lot more– I even get tips from the occasional rich folk.”
Ennis returned a smile, his thumb rubbing against the back of his daughter’s hand as a means of light encouragement. “Well look at you. Makin’ more money than I did your age,” he tried not to linger on the topic for too long; if the new job was what Jenny wanted to talk about, surely she would not come to his doorstep holding back a waterfall of sorrow.
Jenny’s light expression turned back into one of despair, gritting her teeth together while she continued. “Well, I… I got to meet new people there. Guys and… and girls, too,” the last words of her sentence sounded like she was in the middle of swallowing a big pill, followed by a small shudder. “One of them– the girls that I met– her name’s Samantha but we all call her Sam. She’s got, um… real pretty green eyes and strawberry blond hair that meets her waist… she’s got freckles… a button nose… a…” while Jenny began to ramble about this girl’s physical characteristics, her stutter became far more pronounced, trailing off with no sense of direction.
“Hey, calm down now— you need some water?”
“No,” she immediately replied, catching Ennis by surprise, “I gotta own up to this. I just… I just can’t stand this anymore.”
Ennis felt a twist in his heart at what felt like his words from years ago spilling out from his daughter’s mouth. It took him off guard, having him need to catch his breath for a second before responding. “I know you can do it. Yer strong.”
“When… girls like a guy, there’s… there’s a lil’ flutter in their heart. That’s what Junior told me. How she felt when she met Kurt. I… I never got that feeling with no guy. I thought that maybe… maybe I hadn’t met the perfect guy yet. Or maybe I was loveless. But I…” a sudden burst of sadness sent a storm of tears and snot running down Jenny’s face. Before Ennis could say anything, she rose and tightly hugged her father, digging her face into his shoulder while her feelings spilled uncontrollably. Ennis had no clue what to do nor what to say; he had seen his daughter sad before, but never to this extent. He did the only thing he knew how to do, which was wrapping his arms around her and cradling her as best he could, murmuring small affirmations like “it’s okay” and “you’re alright”.
The wordless crying continued for a bit before Ennis gently started with questions of his own, hoping to ease Jenny into what she wanted to say. “This… This Sam girl, how is she in all this?”
Jenny froze in time, her face falling still as if a cold wind blew over her. Her father could feel her heart rapidly pounding against his chest, her whole body trembling as she mustered the words. “I…” she started in a shaky whisper, clenching her fists together until her knuckles turned a peachy white. She proceeded to speak in one breath, a small whisper, one that could go unnoticed if someone did not tune in properly.
“ I love her. ”
Ennis stood still, dumbfounded by the statement. Not a single feeling of anger, but rather feelings of confusion and… comfort. Clearly it did not look like it however, as Jenny’s eyes were wide with fear, as if the truth was a raging bull rapidly storming her direction. She quickly stood up and began to walk towards the door, speaking swiftly with a stammer. “God, I’m sorry. I shoulda never came. You must hate me now, I–”
But she felt a firm grasp on her hand. When she looked to see her father’s face, she was greeted with downturned eyebrows and a soft, watery look in his eyes. His lips quivered in hesitation, but he managed to respond. “I want to show you somethin’.”
Ennis softly released his grasp and started to walk, and Jenny followed suit. Her face still felt hot from the tears she shed, but now she was curious more than anything. The two traversed through piles of the old junk Ennis clinged to for nostalgia before they walked up to his closet door. He stood still as his hand grazed the wooden finish of the door, as if he were about to reveal a great treasure. Jenny stood behind him, watching his frame shuffle around awkwardly trying to find the right words to say.
“Do you, um… remember Jack? Jack Twist?”
Jenny paused before recalling him. The clearest moment was sitting in the truck with her sister by her father’s old house after the divorce, with him stopping in his tracks as soon as he saw the man’s car pull up. She remembered he had a bright face, with big blue eyes and a handsome grin. Jenny knew more about him from word of mouth, however– every time Ennis brought him up, something inexplicably brought him to life. A special smile, a giddier tone of voice, all for him. She never truly understood why this was the case, but she was happy to know that there was at least one person who would cheer her father up that was not her or Alma Jr.
“Yeah, your fishing buddy, right?”
Ennis could not help but lightly chuckle. Fishing buddy. “Yeah, that’s right,” he tapped his finger on the door; an internal debate on whether to show Jenny this side of him or not. For one, this was something that was deeply personal to him, something that he never willingly told anyone about– at the same time, he saw the melancholy in his dear child’s eyes. Ennis was more familiar with it than she could ever comprehend, the feeling of loneliness in something like this. The last thing he wanted her to go through was what he did; inescapable feelings of guilt, loneliness, and sorrow. The best thing he could do was let her know that she was not alone. It’s what Jack would’ve wanted.
“I… I know how you feel.”
“What?”
“You… like someone, who’s not a man. I…” Ennis took a deep breath, “liked someone who wasn’t a lady.”
Jenny looked down in thought, but once the pieces began to connect, her lips parted in wordless surprise as everything made sense for the first time.
“You… and Jack? Is that why you and Mom…?”
All he could do was nod at the targets Jenny hit the bullseye on. Before Jenny could say anything else, he slowly creaked the closet door open and took a small step back for Jenny to gaze upon it. She slowly walked up to the secret her father hid for over 20 years– two shirts, one blue one white. The shirts were arranged in such a way that one was inside of the other; even though they were two separate entities, they complimented each other in such a way that they looked like they belonged together. They appeared as if they were two bodies in one, engulfing each other to become one soul, synchronized in every aspect possible– whether that be love, hatred, joy, sadness– ascending beyond their contradictory colors, united by the blood on their sleeves. With a closer look, Jenny carefully lifted up one of the sleeves to take a look at the crimson stains that were equivalent to a blood pact. Ennis came up behind her.
“We got a lil’ bit aggressive while we were foolin’ around back in ‘63. Thought I lost the shirt, but I came to find out that son of a bitch kept it and his all these years,” Ennis let out a small laugh, recalling the moment that he assumed ruined his chance with Jack for the rest of time– oh, how wrong he was. “And that there…” Ennis gestured to the postcard that was pinned up next to the shirts. A beautiful mountainous landscape. “... that’s where me and Jack first met. Brokeback Mountain.”
“It’s beautiful, Daddy,” she murmured, a newfound sense of peace washing over her at the discovery that she had somewhere to be safe. That her feelings were not ones exclusive to her. “Where’s Jack now?”
The light in Ennis’ eyes dimmed, his lips going flat. “He’s passed. Heard it was an accident, but…” he sighed, sniffling while his eyes got wetter, “never was one to be good at keepin’ secrets.” He was no part of it, but many days went by where he wished he was.
As the joy of nostalgia left Ennis’ face, so did Jenny’s gleeful intrigue. The two stood in silence, looking upon the only things Ennis had to remember Jack Twist by.
“Jenny, darlin’.” he began, his eyes ceasing to break away from the memory of Jack, “don’t be like me, please. Times ain’t like how they used to be. You…” he turned to look at her, “you got a lotta life ahead of you. Don’t turn it into somethin’ you’ll regret later. Mistakes are natural, yeah, but…”
Ennis’ voice wavered, becoming quieter, turning back to him and Jack’s shirts. “I fucked up with this one. I don’t want you to fuck up, either.”
He lingered on the thought before turning back to Jenny once more, a warm look on his face while he took her hands in his. “If it’s safe, speak up. If you like each other, don’t try and force it any other way. I had a fair fight with the force of nature, and I crashed here. I want the best for you, so all I want is that you just… be yourself.”
Ennis cusped his hand on her cheek to delicately push away her tears with his thumb– this time her tears shed slower, a small smile on her face as she looked to her father with admiration. “I will, Dad… I will.”
The two shared another hug, warm with the feeling of belonging. Ennis knew that her journey with her newly discovered, different way of loving would be a difficult one– but he also knew for a fact that she would make the most of it. He felt proud and nervous for her, so he hugged Jenny as if it was the last time they would embrace. Ennis never fully navigated his true feelings, so the feeling of doom and guilt haunted him like a ghost at the thought of himself being open about his true nature. But his daughter was a beautiful, new slate in an evolving world. It gave him hope that maybe, Jenny would be able to pursue a life like he wanted with Jack. But for now, all he could do was hold her, and be there for her as long as he could. When he looked back over at the shirts, he knew Jack watched them with a warm smile. Unbeknownst to Jenny, two souls supported her through this next chapter. Or maybe she knew– she saw the shirts after all.