Work Text:
The camera cut off, the red glow is not visible anymore, dropping back to the silence, Dan is just sitting there, still in place, staring at nothing in particular, for once quiet as if all words were stripped out of him as soon as they stopped filming.
It’s odd, he can’t help but register, it doesn’t feel like it usually does.
Post filming is normally a time to yap Phil’s ears off, carry on whatever conversation they were having in game, express concern because god forbid Dan is nothing if not a perfectionist, think about ordering dinner maybe, on days his mind is settled and happy with the content they just made.
It’s almost never a time for cold collected silence.
He is not even sure what is really happening right now, the video is fine, surely the video is fine and yet Dan feels uneasy like he was expecting the warmth of his heated hardwood floor and just stepped on a piece of LEGO. The discomfort, the uneasiness, the too watchful eyes he could feel on him while filming like he did before coming out, trying to be relaxed and yet policing every single thing he said for risk of sounding like something he wasn’t ready to face at the time.
It wasn’t quite like that of course, but still Dan hasn’t felt that perceived in months, that aware of how he sounded, that concerned of exactly what playing a dating games made for couples on the gaming channel really meant.
They are doing all this for a reason he is trying to remind himself, they are doing this for a reason.
But it feels elusive tonight, it doesn’t quite take shape in the small enclosed space of their studio, it doesn’t quite materialise, the tour might be less than two weeks away but it feels distant, as if a lifetime was still standing between the mundanity of just another night in and stepping on the stage in Antwerp.
Dan sighs, emptying his lungs, trying to settle himself, he is not freaking out, he is not.
Phil is still messing around with the set up, turning everything off, he can hear the ruffling in the close background, it’s comforting somehow, familiar, as always the sound of home calling him back to the present.
It’s just a video, just another video.
Dan can’t help but feel like on some level he failed Phil and that's what persists in his exhausted mind amidst everything else, the fact that he didn’t quite commit, that he stayed frozen in the slight ambiguity that he had been sheltering himself with since the come back.
He likes to say that he has no fucks left to give, a dangerously low amount of fucks, persuading himself, setting the motion for what’s to come, but it’s not quite true he realised since the official tour promo began, on some level Dan, still, despite everything, has a few fucks left to give and he is not even really sure why.
Phil was ready to go all in for this video, only take away the few cards that would have been definitely too much for the YouTube algorithm, take your partners trousers off using only your teeth for one, the hickey, the really explicit in no way parental advisory stuff, but still, he wanted to keep the "first I love you", the outwardly romantic cards, the ones that would have left no place for doubts, no place for ambiguity.
Dan felt like he could do it, it’s not like they haven’t written explicitly romantic phanfictions only a few days ago, called each other "princes lovers", among other things, but on some degree that was a game, mad libs, it was Danielo and Philipus, it wasn’t really them, Dan and Phil, and above all it wasn’t their story.
Their story, the one they are about to tell on tour, reclaim their narrative, all the internet took from them.
Their story and Dan feels his throat closing, swallowing thickly, eyes blinking, this is it isn’t it, all this has been amounting to.
Oh god.
There is a reason they have been shoving "phan" down people's throats as of late, in a way it’s teasing, it’s promo, it’s marketing, but it’s also acclimatation, preparing everyone for what’s to come, in a way, it’s a drumroll for the « what would have put 2013 phans in a coma » overwhelming climax that Terrible Influence is about to be.
And despite knowing all this, despite having written the show and carefully planned every video leading to it, Dan still backtracked at the last minute.
An hour before they were supposed to film, he left Phil to finish the zoom meeting with the technical team on his own, went down to the gaming channel, haphazardly retrieved the game from the not so neat pile on the floor and frantically went through every single card. Obsessively neat piles, the ones they should definitely avoid at all cost, the maybes, the safe ones, and that pile was without a doubt the one that stood the lowest.
A handful of cards really, stupid things, preferred pizza toppings, stuff they said before about first impressions, about him being an internet stalker, scarce, serene, inconspicuous, stuff you could say about just a best friend almost, not necessarily a partner even if most every card was adorn with the word. A handful of cards really, but it’s not like the viewers saw the set, saw anything past their faces in the voluntary close angle of the camera.
They were hoping to get a half an hour video out the game, after his clear out Dan thought they would be lucky if they got fifteen minutes of edited footage.
That’s what they will get out of it most likely, Seizer will work her magic cut out any silence, fiddling with the card and create a perfect morcel of content, bite size, ready to be enjoyed by their subscribers.
It will probably be a funny video and yet Dan feels uneasy because he didn’t quite commit to the bit, he replaced partner with "them" every time he was supposed to read it out loud, only said it right at the end in a mock mid west accent when it wasn’t about them anymore, he didn’t manage to compliment Phil, he even said he was just a subscriber to the AmazingPhil channel back in 2009, as if Phil trash number one was just an allegation and not something he came up with himself.
Way to stay consistent with your old branding Dan.
Phil said partner, stayed giggly and smily all throughout the video, called him out on the stalker denial even if they already agreed they will cut that out, overall he was normal, himself as if it wasn’t a big deal to play a game made for couples on the channel, glancing lovingly at Dan every few seconds, offering his full support in mere looks, the settled warmth of his presence.
There for him as he always has been since they met, through hardships and consecrations, there for him, through it all, like when he was pretty much the only person that held Dan together.
And he failed him, he backtracked, he played the "we are only bros" card hard tonight and in regards with everything that happened since he came out and all that’s about to come, it's a bit ridiculous really.
A bit pathetic, a bit like having stepped right back to 2018, receded to his old ways caught in a remnant of past fear without quite realising it.
He has to say something, not just leave the silence hang like he has been doing for the past few minutes.
- I am sorry I called you bro, like ten times
He tries to force a chuckle but it doesn’t quite come out like that, it’s a bit dry, a bit broken. Phil raises his head from where he was rearranging the cards in the box by the shelf.
- Brozoned
He says lightly, giggling, adjusting the cards in the box and closing the lid before standing up and walking up to Dan, resting his cold hand on the red fabric of his shoulder. He doesn’t seem upset, he probably wasn’t expecting much better Dan thinks.
- I panicked
He offers leaning his head on Phil’s hand, sensing the solidity of his presence keeping him from crumbling.
- It’s fine Dan, we still played the game, they will eat it up and it was funny, we had fun didn’t we ?
Phil raises an eyebrow forcing Dan to look at him, a bright smile still plastered on his face, a faintly veiled hint of concern overshadowing the light of his ocean swarmed blue eyes.
- Yeah we did, you right
The tone is unsure, not quite sincere but if Phil notices he doesn’t say anything else, as Dan stands up walks towards the door.
He just needs to be alone right now.
- I am going out
He says and thankfully nowadays going out, when he is feeling like this, only entails sitting at the back of their garden, not leaving his phone at home and riding the bus until the early hours of the morning.
He hears Phil small voice saying okay in the background.
They should have talked about it more, he faintly thinks, but he is not really there anymore, on auto mode, retrieving a half empty bottle of rose from their kitchen and opening the glass door to their garden with a faint brushing sound.
He leaves the door open, he knows Phil would rather be able to see him from the living room, it’s August it’s not like it’s cold outside anyway.
He walks to the secluded corner, right at the back of the garden and sits down leaning against the solid trunk of their cherry blossom tree.
It’s a nice place to have a melt down really.
That’s what’s happening isn’t it ? The Dan Howell classic re evaluating all his life choices before anything major happens.
Did he really think he could avoid it this time around ? Terrible influence is supposed to be the biggest thing they ever done, the world tour to end all world tours, their legacy in a way, it’s a shift in narrative of the whole Dan and Phil brand, so much bigger than Basically I Am Gay had been at the time, it will change everything, nothing will ever be the same.
And that should be a good thing really because they came up a brillant show with a high concept, it’s funny, it’s endearing, it will definitely trigger a few tears in the audience at the nostalgia, it starts slow, unveils, reveals things, one after the other and ends up in the most insane thing they could both think of.
Something that they came up with almost right at the start and perfected as months went on, until it was perfect, something that is both the ending to the last fifteen years and the start to what they decided to call the new era, something so fucking huge it makes Dan vibrate with excitement and want to hide away from the world when he thinks about it too hard.
He takes a gulp of the rosé beside him, swirling the bitter acre taste of the wine in his mouth before he swallows, and as reality sets back, in aided by the burn of the alcohol going down his throat, he can’t help but think that this feels an awful lot like last time they went on tour did. Interactive introverts and the gay panic melt down, closeted Dan had at the time, drinking the same fuck ass brand of Waitrose second cheapest rosé on their balcony back in Angel.
Except it’s not, it’s completely different, he is out now, he is safe, they have a house that is their own, their careers back after the hiatus, they built a life together even more so than they had before.
Dan and Phil singular.
And he is not afraid anymore, he is not, he has nothing to freak out about, it’s not like anyone still believes that they are really just friends in 2024, it’s not like that.
And yet playing this stupid couple game brought back something that he thought he buried a long time ago, that fear of the early days, the one that arose in 2012 and only rippled over the years but never really went.
He is not afraid anymore, except he is.
Regardless of the matter he didn’t manage to call Phil his partner on camera today, it doesn’t change the fact that in less than two weeks they will be on a stage in front of a thousand of people, flesh and blood, blinding light, on a stage and after the emotional monologue that marks the end of the show, curtains dropping, showered in shadows, they have to kiss.
It’s in the script.
A shadow kiss not unlike the fake one people theorized they saw at the end of their first tour one night, expect it will be real this time, no place left for doubt, no place left for ambiguity.
Dan takes another long gulp of the wine, it’s disgusting really, he could have picked anything else from their liquor shelf, but it’s part of the ritual in a way, the pre tour existential crisis starter pack. Besides they were barely two glasses of wine left when he brought out the bottle, his 6’3 body is not getting drunk on that, it’s just for the show, the drama queen aspect of drinking rosé in the middle of his garden like a diva in an old movie, casted by the last beams of sunlight peaking through an horizon of grey clouds.
When they wrote the tour and carefully planned everything leading up to it, it felt so easy, all set in stone, all meticulously crafted, starting of with the emotional react to The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire, barely managing to hold it together when The internet is here started playing.
Then the fan fictions that they wrote to mean something but very well knew would be completely unrecognizable once the words were taken out and replaced by the most goofy and out of pocket stuff they could think of.
What’s still to come in the next week, reacting to Interactive Introverts, and that for sure will be a hard video to film, given it was supposed to be the definitive end to Dan and Phil on the internet, The week in the life of tour rehearsal and then on the 4th of September the grand opening of the tour, all this has been leading up to, their story with no more pretense, no more conspiracies, no more secrets.
Dan thought he was okay with that, thought that was what he wanted, what he was brave enough to own up to, and in a way it is, it’s finally putting an end to fifteen years worth of speculations, reclaiming what was always rightfully theirs to begin with.
And yet the last few weeks are beginning to feel like too much, too personal, too allusive, too overwhelming, as if he set a train in motion and lost control somewhere along the way.
Or maybe he is just exhausted. They have been working on this tour for months doing little else and maybe that’s what is getting to him, a shroud of weariness.
It will be fine when they will be back on the road, the scurries of the tour, the first date behind them, it’s the unknown expectations that are daunting, the catastrophizing, not the actuality of performing something he knows damn well is the best thing they ever made.
Dan takes a deep breath, settling himself, absentmindedly picking at a strand of grass on floor beside him, bringing it up to his eyes.
It’s a four leaf clover, a sign of good luck, Phil had insisted on planting them all over the garden because you are always in need of a sign from the universe, he is superstitious like that, Dan argued that purposefully scattering good omens defiled the mere statistical improbability of luck that finding one is, but in the end they still planted the clovers, of course they did.
And tonight Dan is glad he found one next to him, because in a way it’s grounding, it’s a reminder that everything is okay and that the universe isn’t out to get him, that everything is working in his favour, that this tour will provide the much needed closure everyone needs.
No fucks left to give he said it himself, he came so far since then, every video pushing a bit further the boundaries of his comfort zone, allowing himself to act less cautious, more touchy and honest on camera, a bit insane sometimes, the ranch metaphor was definitely a moment, look at Phil like nobody is watching, repair and mend everything he tried to hide before they went on hiatus - even back then his eyes betrayed him, from time to time.
These last few months back on YouTube, setting up the tour, are and he can say it confidently, the most fun he ever had, no sarcasm this time, just the pure certitude of being able to live his truth.
Tonight wasn’t a setback he realizes, sure he pushed back a little, freaked out before then and right after but at the end of the day they still done it, played a fucking game designed for couples on the gaming channel, shared their stupid pet names, referenced how to befriend your favorite internet star, he didn’t flinch when Phil called him his partner out loud, he just smiled, they giggled, they had fun.
And maybe, just maybe, that can be enough, that can be something he can be proud of, because the mere thought of doing anything like this would have sent 2018 Dan to combust in a pile of ashes, and tonight for the most part he is handling it. He really did come so far, tonight was just a blip, unnoticeable to most, it’s not like it’s awkward, it’s not like the vibes are that off, it’s not like the phans know what their original plan had been.
Everything is fine really it’s just him overthinking it all like he always does, it’s hard to break old habits after all.
He looks up, the night is setting, shadows stretching over the roof of their house in the distance, the living room light glistening, it’s calm, collected, it’s not any different from any other night, he is home, he is safe.
Dan senses Phil walking up to him before he sees him from the corner of his eyes, he scoots over a little bit so they can both lean back against the bark.
Non verbal communication, adjusting for the other, they are so used to it after fifteen years.
Phil leans on his shoulder resting his head on his chest and Dan can feel the softness of his blonde hair tickling his neck, the plush fragrance of the coconut shampoo he uses, he sinks his head down pressing a kiss on the top of Phil’s skull.
They are back to being them it would seem.
- You okay ?
Phil whispers after a minute, voice small and hushed in the half darkness of the early night.
The interrogative is just a precaution, there is no concern to his tone anymore, only care and tenderness.
- Yeah I am fine, it’s just you know.. it’s fucking huge, everything
Phil giggles softly, propping himself up a little bit so he can look at Dan’s face when he answers.
- Yeah, yeah it is, very us, back at breaking the internet
- It will fucking implode this time, for sure
They both laugh at that, a bit in disbelief, because really they have a pretty good idea of the mayhem that will be Twitter dot com after the first night of Terrible Influence.
It is fucking huge, but it’s also incredibly exhilarating, electricity coursing through Dan’s heart as if he was ignited by lightening.
Nothing will ever be the same but the certitude that it’s for the best is as evident and clear as Phil’s bright blue eyes set on him, the certainty that they are in this together, the glow of forever shining, blinding like a piercing arrow of light traversing the obscurity.
Them, just them as it was always meant to be and will for all years left to come.
- Collective cardiac arrest
Phil laughs again and after a while drops his gaze looking pensively at the shadows of their plants as if alien creatures had invaded their garden.
- You are sure about this, right Dan ?
Phil says unsure, he really cares about how all this makes him feel. Phil would be ready to move mountains for him, cancel the tour at the last minute if he felt him only waver. If Dan did ask him he would stop everything in the blink of an instant.
Dan doesn’t have to think before he answers, of course he is okay, they are in this together, he is not backing down and running away now.
- Of course, you don’t think I sweated my ass off to learn a dance number all for nothing do you ?
He smiles at that, earnest, sure, the doubts he was having earlier having all if not escaped his mind, as distant as the faraway glow of the night sky.
- God forbid we would do any actual exercise
Phil rolls his eyes at that but his expression is still filled with so much fondness it makes Dan's heart melt. God he loves him so much, it scares him sometimes, the force of it, it’s an un breakable tie to the world, in a way the meaning of life, two boys from Reading and Rawstenstall destined to meet each other, create this thing called Dan and Phil, it’s a bit cheesy maybe but nonetheless it’s true, nothing has never sounded so close to an answer.
- Sorry I didn’t compliment you earlier
- Oi, I do have a sunny disposition
Phil puts his hands at the junction of his chin mimicking the pose he took in the video, a cheeky grin on his face.
- Go on then, give me all you’ve got laddy!
Dan laughs, an array of giggles brightening the night, he can be so ridiculous sometimes, like he didn’t say a million times that he thought Phil looked like an angel with his blonde hair, even on camera for god sake, maybe he just hates being put on the spot, the unwarranted audience participation aspect of it all.
- What ? You want to hear that I love when you wear my clothes ? That your blonde hair makes you look like a freaking rock star ? That I could get lost in your ocean eyes for days on end ? That you are the best thing that ever happened to me ? That without you I would probably be a closeted lawyer hating his job ?
Dan is breathless, panting he feels exhausted, all too ready to put today behind them, snuggle together in their plush bed surrounded by the soothing green wallpaper of their bedroom.
- WOW, slow down, tonight was only our first official date
Phil tries to wink at that but it just looks like he is blinking, he knew how to do it before, if amazingdan is a testament of anything it's that, but he somehow lost the ability along the way.
- God shut up, you called me posh and annoying, mind you
- I know, so call for the hard launch
- We played a couples game Philip it’s not that serious
He shoves Phil playfully, making him loose his balance and they are both laughing like idiots the tension of today finally unwinding.
- God why are we like this ?
- Fifteen years, we are nothing if not committed to the bit bestie
Phil says teasing as he stands up dusting his shorts holding a hand up for Dan to take.
- It won’t be so funny when we kiss on stage in ten days
Dan rolls his eyes taking Phil’s hand and propping himself up, resting for a second against the trunk of the tree they planted when they moved in, bringing a little piece of Japan with them back to London.
- Hilarious you mean, sure I’ll kiss my best friend on stage and never mention it again, it’s very on brand for us
Phil shrugs, stretching his hand still holding Dan’s bringing them closer together, he settles his tone, wrapping his arms around Dan’s back, facing each other, tip of their noses touching, more serious when he speaks again.
- But really we can keep the friend thing up if you rather, I don’t care and I don’t think anyone does either, the people know what we mean when we say friend, we are Dan and Phil we don’t abide by the rules of mortals
He said the last bit in a mock posh voice because of course he did, god forbid they are normal for longer than a second.
Dan leans in closing the remaining distance between them, going in for a kiss, soft peck, feather brush, as familiar as waking up next to him every morning, the faint, linger on warmth of ever after at the cusp of their joined lips.
- Alright pal let’s go to bed we have to be at the dance studio by ten tomorrow and I am not testing my chance dancing with a dead beat Philly
- I already walk on your feet about half the time
Phil says giggling, hiding his mouth with his hand, faking embarrassment as he takes a step back. He looks radiant in the low clarity of their garden spotlight, disheveled in the curious association of Dan’s shirt and his lounging around the house shorts.
Dan thinks he never seen him look so gorgeous.
- Exactly
He says rolling his eyes, a fond smile plastered on his face, crouching to retrieve the still half full bottle of rosé from the floor, a short sober half melt down, maybe he is finally breaking the pre tour existential crisis ritual.
It’s the new era after all.
- Come on, I am freezing
Phil says nudging him in the arm all but ready to head back to the cocoon of warmth that is their home.
And as they go back in Dan can’t help but think that he made it, finally made it, even if he faces set backs sometimes, in the grand scheme of things, he came so far from who he used to be that it feels too good to be true somedays.
Embrace the void, have the courage to exist.
He did it, now he can stop giving a fuck and actually just enjoy life.
Maybe, on the good days at least, and on the bad ones Phil will be there to bring him back out of the ether because they are always, and through it all, simply there for one another.
Dan and Phil about to go on their third world tour. Dan and Phil, best friends, partners, husbands, soulmates, side by side through it all.
And life couldn’t really get any better than that even if it tried.