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“Kinich,” says Mualani one day, when the three of them are on call while playing Saurus Simulator in their co-op world. “Have you ever touched grass?”
Kinich’s character stumbles in midair, nearly falling to the ground. “Wh—of course I have,” he says, sounding affronted. “What kind of question is that?”
“Don’t be rude, Mualani,” says Kachina, hitting Mualani’s character with a weak attack. It only does two damage to her active saurus, but still. Mualani feels a little slighted.
“I was just wondering! You know, since I talk about surfing and all that, and Kachina talks about rock climbing. You never tell us about doing sports or anything. You only talk about Saurus Simulator.”
“Because we’re playing Saurus Simulator,” Kinich says drily. “We met on Saurus Simulator. It is our shared interest. Of course I would talk about it.”
Kachina, probably feeling the need to mediate between them, pipes up. “But going outside can be nice too! Maybe you should try something easy to start? Like… like going on hikes!”
“I do go outside,” Kinich insists. “I go outside every day. All the time. You two would not believe how much I go outside.”
“Hm,” says Mualani triumphantly. “Sounds like the words of someone who doesn’t go outside!”
Just to test out her theory, Mualani swings her most fatal attack in Kinich’s direction. He dodges at the last second with an incredibly skilled series of clicks, his saurus doing acrobatics to avoid hers. He makes an offended noise. “What the hell?”
“See?” says Mualani. “He reacted too fast. Obviously, he doesn’t do anything but play video games.”
Kinich sounds very tired as he says, “That isn’t even remotely correct.”
Kachina’s saurus is idling on screen. Mualani thinks she hears a hint of panic in her voice when she speaks up again. “Um, guys? How about we don’t do this right now? Why don’t we just do a quest! We could check for group commissions! How about that?”
“Oh, great idea!” Mualani teleports over to the commission center in-game, checking out their offerings. “Hmm… there’s a couple fighting commissions, but they have low rewards. The only high-reward one is a double-SS rated cryo dragon boss.”
Kinich hums like it’s no big deal. “I can handle that.”
Kachina seems relieved to hear them talking about something else and immediately jumps on the idea. “Let’s take the commission, then!”
So Mualani takes the commission. The three of them set off for the cryo dragon boss’s lair together, their saurus avatars journeying side by side. Mualani swims; Kachina burrows; Kinich flies. They’re so used to moving in sync like this that Mualani doesn’t even have to look to know that they’re both right behind her (or right above her, in Kinich’s case).
As Kinich predicted, the boss is a piece of cake for them. Kinich’s saurus build is ridiculously overpowered, and since realizing this, Mualani has restructured her build to support his. Kachina deals her own damage, but also moves around the battlefield and reminds them both to eat when their saurus avatars are low on health. They fight like a well-oiled machine, designed to work with each other rather than around each other. The dragon is dead within fifteen minutes.
It’s only when they’re returning to the commission center that the idea strikes her.
“Maybe I should post a commission about it!” Mualani exclaims. “A real-life commission, I mean, with the Adventurers’ Guild. ‘Please get my friend Kinich to touch grass. He plays too much Saurus Simulator and doesn’t remember what the sky looks like. One hundred thousand mora for photographic evidence.’”
Kinich barks out a laugh. “You know what? That would be hilarious. Do it.”
“Do you even have a hundred thousand mora?” Kachina asks.
“Eh. If I work at the surf shop for the summer and save up a little, then yeah. But it’s kind of a lot… I don’t know.”
“Yeah, but it would be funny,” says Kinich.
Mualani considers. Comedy is, in her books, a very compelling argument.
Then Kinich says the magic words: “I dare you.”
Mualani grins, already texting her boss to ask for ten more shifts at the surf shop. “You’re on, dude.”
***
They all live in Natlan. Mualani knew that already, since she plays on the Natlan server of Saurus Simulator, and also because the game is way more popular in Natlan than anywhere else. Maybe because the War God—the game’s creator—is from here. But Kachina and Kinich have both confirmed that they live in Natlan. They even live in adjacent provinces to her! Mualani has never managed to meet them in person, but they video call all the time, so she has a good enough idea of Kinich’s description for the commission.
At least, that’s what she thought. Now, however, she’s not so sure.
“Can you repeat that, please?” asks Katheryne, faltering slightly.
“His name is Kinich,” Mualani says, a little hesitant. “Um, he’s about one-seventy-five centimeters tall? Black hair, green eyes, noodle arms? He always wears a wide headband. Very 1980s. Usually wearing Doc Martens because he thinks he’s emo. Addicted to video games.” She frowns. “Is that enough information? Do I need his address?”
“That information is adequate,” Katheryne says. “So, you want this friend of yours to… what, exactly?”
“Touch grass. Um, go outside.”
Katheryne looks unimpressed by this, but being an absolute professional, only types it into her commission catalogue. “Okay. Reward: 100,000… that’s straightforward enough. When the commission is completed, you would like evidence, correct?”
“Yeah, a photograph would be fine,” Mualani agrees. Then, as it comes to her, “Actually, a video would be even better. Can you have them submit a video of him touching grass to me? That would be perfect.”
“We can do that.” Katheryne types some more, then clicks a few boxes on her computer. “Do you have any requests for the person who you would like to take your commission?”
“Eh. Just send whoever you think is best.”
Katheryne looks at her with a bizarre, indecipherable half-smile. “Good. I have just the person in mind.”
Mualani thinks this is rather ominous, but chooses not to say anything.
“All I need now is your collateral for the commission rewards. We usually call for twenty percent. It will be returned should the commission fail.”
Mualani only has forty thousand mora to her name, since the surf shop just opened for the summer. Forlornly, she forks over her debit card, which Katheryne charges. She hears the card reader ding and resolves not to look at her bank account for the next couple months.
***
She receives an email from the Adventurers’ Guild the next day. Strange—usually they take a while longer to assign commissions. But Katheryne did have a person in mind already, right? They must have taken the job. She opens the email and reads:
Your commission has gone through. I have located the individual in question. Please let me know what types of videos you would prefer. Do you require actual grass?
Signed,
Kinich
She reads it. She reads it again. She reads it another time, for good measure. It’s a short email. She can afford to read it a couple times.
Well! Well. They’re efficient at least? But wasn’t it pretty silly to put Kinich’s name instead of their own?
***
“You actually did it??” asks Kachina, sounding equal parts disappointed and impressed.
“Hell yeah I did!” Mualani jumps around a few times in-game to express how serious she is. Her saurus spins in a stupid little circle. It’s adorable. “I already got a response, too! The Guild is really quick. That’s why we love them!”
“Oh?” says Kinich offhandedly. “How’d it go?”
Mualani snorts a laugh. “You sound pretty chill for someone who’s about to get forced to go outside!”
“I did tell you to post the commission. I knew what I was in for.”
“You have to send the photos when you get them,” Kachina tells her excitedly. “And Kinich, you have to tell us what happens!”
He sighs, sounding a little exasperated already. Still, he follows when Kachina sets off to fight some minor-level monsters, helping her survive in the fight. “I will.”
“Oh!” Mualani snaps, suddenly remembering another detail. “The commission taker asked what kind of videos I want. Do you guys have any suggestions? Should we make Kinich touch actual grass? I would be fine with any kind of outdoor activity, but grass might be fun.”
“Umm,” says Kachina. “I think grass would be pretty. But make sure it has the sky in it too!”
“Focus on your fight,” Kinich tells her, half-stern and half-gentle. Kachina makes a little oops sound and continues battling the dragon hatchlings she’s engaged in combat with.
“Kinich?” asks Mualani. “Any thoughts about the video?”
“Hmm,” he says. He thinks on it for a minute. Then, out of the blue, he says, “Extreme sports.”
Mualani’s hand slips on the healing potion she’s preparing; she puts the ingredient in the wrong slot entirely. “What?”
“A video of me doing extreme sports.”
Mualani stares at her screen, not really seeing it. “…”
“I’m a big fan of paragliding. I also do bungee jumping and sometimes skydiving. Any of those would be good.”
“Done!” Kachina declares, giggling triumphantly as she picks up her dragon hatchling loot. “Hey, Mualani, I got more eggshells for your potions! …You are making potions, right? Mualani??”
“You,” says Mualani weakly. “You do what?”
***
Hi! I think you put the wrong name on your sign-off. Kinich is the one you’re supposed to take the video of! And he knows about it already, so no need to hide. You can tell him you’re recording.
Anyway, he suggested filming a video of him doing extreme sports? I don’t know if you’re capable of getting a video of him doing that, since I’m pretty sure he doesn’t go outside at all. He was probably joking. You can try though! Please let me know if you want other suggestions!
With all my love,
Mualani ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧
Sent from my iPad
***
Two days later, Mualani is emailed a video. She immediately calls their group chat and screen shares it for their viewing pleasure.
It’s a portrait-oriented phone video, filmed looking down on someone’s legs and part of their torso as they run off the edge of a cliff and float down above a grassy field. The video cuts off before the landing, but pans up to appreciate the view. It’s very clearly in the canopy district, where Kinich has said he lives.
“Oh my god,” says Kachina softly. “Is this actually you, Kinich?”
Kinich, who appears to be sitting in his gaming chair, nods. “Uh huh. Told you I do paragliding.”
On the video call, Kachina’s eyes boggle. She stares at her webcam skeptically, like she’s staring down Kinich in person. “Really??”
“Filmed it myself.”
Mualani frowns. “Wait a minute.” She glances back at the video again. While the person’s pants are in view, and also their other hand, they could feasibly be a non-Kinich individual. And Kinich only talked about the things in the video after they had all watched it together. He didn’t necessarily have any prior knowledge about the video. Therefore… “This obviously isn’t actually you!”
Kinich snorts. “I can show you those pants if you want.”
“That doesn’t prove anything! Everyone owns a pair of black pants,” Mualani reasons. She does not own a pair of black pants, but there are probably other people who, like Kinich, think they’re emo, and therefore own black pants. “You probably just paid the commission taker to film a video of themself and submit it instead!”
“That sounds like a lot of work,” says Kinich, raising an eyebrow. “You think I’d do that?”
“Well, if it’s that or go outside,” Kachina says drily. Mualani cackles with laughter.
Eventually, in the face of their combined wrath, Kinich gives up. “Fine,” he huffs. “Just submit another video request, then. You can try ziplining? That has a better view.”
Mualani crosses her arms, grinning. “Nope! Kinich, I’ve figured you out!! If we keep asking for extreme sports, we’ll keep getting fake videos. So! I’m going to ask for something easier. Like a regular sport.”
“Oh, good idea,” says Kinich lightly. “I play charity football games against the local community college. It would be pretty easy to film one of those.”
Silence. One moment. Two. Three.
“You have got to be kidding me,” Mualani says. “Charity matches? Football matches? Who are you and what have you done with Kinich?”
“I’m charitable,” Kinich says, sounding faintly offended. “And I like football. I played it a lot as a kid.”
“Oh, me too!” Kachina grins. “I used to play goalie. People didn’t like it ‘cause I was so short, but I could jump like nobody’s business.”
“I bet you could,” says Kinich, sounding proud. “I’d love to see that. I’m a left winger, usually, but sometimes I take a defender position too.”
“Defender!! They always put the worst players on defense positions on my team. I was too good of a goalie. They said I could save anything, so why even have defenders?”
“What? They can’t pile all the responsibility onto one team member like that. That's not fair at all.”
“I know, right?!”
Mualani sighs. They do not play Saurus Simulator for almost thirty minutes.
***
Hi! I saw the video you submitted! Thanks so much! The view was awesome. I’ve always wanted to go to the canopy district, but I’m more of a water girl myself. Do you have lakes over there? Does it rain a lot? How often do you get tourists from the springs?
Oh, anyway, I think you might have misunderstood? I want a video of KINICH doing those things, not of YOU doing it. Is that why you signed your name like that? Sorry for the misunderstanding! I should have been clearer!
This time he suggested something about a football match against a college. That might be a good place to start!
With all my love,
Mualani ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧
Sent from my iPad
***
The next video is a clip of a broadcast. It’s not a professional sportscast, but it has three different cameras, and even a couple of student commentators from the community college. The clip features a player in the green uniform of a guest setting up another player to score a goal. By the time the email is two minutes old, Mualani already has the other two on video call.
They watch the video together. It’s only about three minutes long. She takes the time to examine the player closely. He has black hair, shoved back by a green sweatband that matches the uniform. The back of his jersey says YUMKA.
“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Mualani mutters when she sees that. “Yumka? Like your favorite saurus’s name?”
“I named it after myself,” Kinich says, sounding a little defensive. “It’s my last name. They put last names on jerseys, Mualani, in case you didn’t know.”
“Shut up,” she tells him fondly. “Maybe you named Yumka after the player! That might not be you at all.”
“Um,” says Kachina hesitantly. “That does look a lot like Kinich though.”
Mualani looks again. The footage is kind of grainy with how fast the camera is moving, and she can only see his face for about five seconds. The rest is just his jersey and his side profile. “Yeah, but there are probably a ton of people with black hair,” she reasons. “And look! Half the team is wearing sweatbands! It’s not just Ki—I mean, it’s not just the player in the middle.”
“You literally just called him ‘Kinich,’” says Kinich flatly.
“But it’s obviously not you.” Mualani closes the video, deciding for herself that the player on the opposing team of the college clearly isn’t Kinich. “I mean, he was experienced! He wasn’t just touching grass. He was good at touching grass. Gamers can’t be good at sports.”
Kachina sighs and says, “You’re a gamer too, Mualani.”
Huh. Mualani supposes she has a point. Still, she has an argument to win here. “Yeah, but I’m a surfer girl first and foremost. I’m a gamer second.”
Kinich makes a disbelieving sound at this logic. He raises an eyebrow. “When did I say I was a gamer first?”
“You didn’t have to. Your damage is too good for you to be anything else.”
“Yeah, because I spent money on my build. Because I have a job. I can do that.”
“Hey! I have a job!! …A seasonal job. But I go to college! …For one semester a year.”
By this point Kachina must have had enough of their good-natured arguing, because her voice trembles with anxiety when she says, “Guys? Can you, um, h-help me decide what to make for dinner?”
“Calm down, sweetheart,” Kinich deadpans. “Your father and I aren’t getting divorced.”
Mualani bursts out laughing. Soon enough, Kachina joins her, and Kinich isn’t far behind either. This is why she loves them, she thinks. This is why she keeps her friends around. Even if they are shut-in gamers who lie about going outside.
It’s okay. She’ll ask for something reasonable this time. Her expectations have been appropriately lowered. Surely she can pick something plausible this time.
***
Again, thank you for unearthing that video! Still, since you didn’t film the video yourself, I want to try one more time, if that’s alright. I don’t need anything fancy. Just some footage of Kinich outside, maybe doing some kind of physical activity. All I ask is that you make sure his face is clear in the shot!
Also, maybe you should tell me your name? I feel like that would make things easier, you know?
With all my love,
Mualani ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧
Sent from my iPad
***
A week and a half later, when Mualani has almost given up on the commission entirely, she finally gets another email from the Guild. Before she even opens it, she’s calling their group chat. This time, she’s going to watch it with them. This one deserves a live reaction.
“Hey!” yells Mualani the moment she can even smell someone picking up. “It’s here!!”
“Hhuh?” says Kachina, blinking sleepily. “Whassup?”
“The video, Kachina! The video of Kinich!”
Kachina looks a little bewildered. “But didn’t we already get that? The one of him playing at the football game?”
Mualani laughs. “No, no, Kachina. This one’s going to be better. I can feel it. I told the commission taker to get a clear shot of his face this time, so we can be one hundred percent certain.”
“Hm.” Kachina pulls herself into a sitting position and props her phone against something, probably her knees, to keep the angle consistent. “So are we gonna watch?”
“Yeah, but… why isn’t Kinich here? Is he busy?”
Kachina shrugs. “Check the email anyway. He’ll get here. He’s never very late.”
As much as Mualani wants to wait for him to rub it in his face, her impatience wins out. She opens the email eagerly, searching for a video attachment, when—
“It’s just a link,” Mualani says, puzzled. “It looks like… a broadcast TV station? In the canopy district?”
Kachina doesn’t even need to say anything. She just nods, and wakes up a little more, and Mualani is clicking the link to get to their live feed.
It’s an interview. An interview with the canopy district’s favorite for acrobatics in the upcoming annual Natlan Adventurers’ Guild Games. An interview with Kinich.
“…Last year’s performance in the freestyle, so how are you planning to change that this year, Mr. Yumka?”
“I was outperformed last year by a more creative competitor,” says Kinich, looking completely composed as he talks about only the biggest mixed sports competition of the year. “I have a lot of respect for that. It’s motivated me to incorporate more of my own choreography into my routine and form more of a personal brand.”
“In that case, we’re all looking forward to seeing you perform!” The interviewer leans back in her chair. “Any last thoughts you’d like to share? Maybe something for viewers at home?”
Kinich looks directly at the camera, like he’s staring down Mualani herself. “Yes, actually. One thing. This is for my best friends: like I said, you two would not believe how much I go outside.”
And then the interview is over.
“Did you hear that?!” Mualani yells. “He called us his best friends!!”
“Did you hear anything else he said?” Kachina mutters.
“Shh. Let me have my moment. I’m tearing up a little.”
Finally Kinich picks up the call. Mualani is swiping tears from her eyes, while Kachina looks exasperated. He just laughs at them both. He still has the studio makeup on. The interview must have been live.
“You can see the whole interview later, by the way,” he tells them. “They’re going to put it online. I’ll send you the link later.”
Mualani turns on him and says, with feeling, “You’re a Guild Games Champion??”
“Yeah. Remember when I said I had a job? I work for the Guild.”
“You… WAIT.” Mualani stares at him for a beat. Two. Three. “The emails… It was actually YOU???”
Kachina very unhelpfully chimes in to add, “I googled him a couple days ago. If you search ‘Kinich Yumka’ a whole bunch of articles about his medals show up. Um, I think he’s kind of a big deal.”
“I’m not that important,” Kinich says dismissively. “My Wikipedia page only has three sections.”
“You have a WIKIPEDIA PAGE?”
***
Here’s your video, by the way. It’s me—Kinich Yumka—in the Natlan Adventurers’ Guild Games. I earned gold in paragliding and freestyle acrobatics, but I only medaled bronze in gymnastics. I hope that isn’t too disappointing. As agreed, please send my payment to the Guild. I believe it was 100,000 mora.
Signed,
Kinich
***
I ACTUALLY HATE YOU
With all my love,
Mualani ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧
Sent from my iPad