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When Fukuzawa Yukichi, Kunikida's judo instructor back in grade school, suddenly calls him to ask for help, Kunikida is already agreeing before he knows what to help the man with.
Fukuzawa, despite being a great martial artist, has an ambition. It is: to own and run his own cat cafe. Over a decade, Fukuzawa has saved his money for this purpose, and lately has accomplished building his cat cafe, Noraneko!
Unfortunately, Fukuzawa forgets to get employees for his cat cafe. Hence why he desperately goes to contact Kunikida, in the faint hope that the teacher is both able and willing to serve as waitress waiter at Noraneko through summer vacation, at the very least until Fukuzawa has more permanent staff.
Again, Kunikida agrees. Having worked as a waiter and even a butler at a butler cafe, the work is easy. He gets free room and board and the nicest salary, too, so at the start, Kunikida is happy to help.
That's not to say he's unhappy now, mind you, it's... Well. It's just.
Fukuzawa-san, is it just Kunikida, or do a couple of the customers really feel like yakuza members...?
Although among westerners tattoos still have their less than positive image, in Japan particularly they have a plain bad image–owing to yakuza tattooing their bodies. Many public baths can refuse service to tattooed people, and at least in this high school-brass band-mystery anime, one of the cases has a teacher blackmailed by a student who had a photo of the assistant teacher's tattooed back. Said case eventually resolved only with the assistant teacher quitting upon learning about the blackmail.
All this is to say, tattoos in Japan are bad. Even the regular punks and delinquents who sport colourful spiky hair and multiple piercings never actually get tattooed, though they may sport stick-on ones. So, when Dazai Suicide Enthusiast Osamu annoys one of the cats at Noraneko enough to tear the back of his coat, vest, dress shirt, and chest bandages off? Kunikida, hurriedly entering the private room Dazai has booked with a first aid kit, never anticipates he will see tattoos covering Dazai's back.
Dramatically, the first aid kit in Kunikida's arms slip off and fall with a clatter. Just as dramatically, that prompts Dazai to whirl towards the sound, reddish brown eyes widening in surprise and panic as they meet Kunikida's chartreuse ones. Dramatic silence descends between them.
...that is, until Dazai Goddamn Osamu proceeds to look at himself, gasp daintily, and attempt to cover his bared skin while seeming seductive. Eyelashes fluttering, cheeks blushing like a shy maiden, voice huskily asking, "Ne, Kunikida-kun, can you please... help?"
Kunikida closes his eyes. Reflecting that tattoos or not, it seems Dazai is still the same customer who upon his first visit outright asked whether he could commit double suicide with any of the cats (which almost got him permanently banned by Fukuzawa) and at being told no, went to ask whether he could commit double suicide with Kunikida instead.
Reopening his eyes, Kunikida serenely replies, "We apologize, okyaku-sama, we're very busy right now. Shall I call our cat cafe's proprietor, Fukuzawa-san, to take care of your wounds?"
"Ahaha, gosh~ Kunikida-kun is such a joker–HOLD, PLEASE, DON'T CALL FUKUZAWA-SAN!!!"
Japan is well-known to be a peaceful country, with relatively low crime rates. Many foreigners, visiting Japan for the first time, are struck seeing how one can leave one's items–even valuables–out there in public and come back to find them safe in place. It is so safe in Japan in fact, that many if not all self-defense weapons such as tasers or pepper sprays are outright forbidden there. Actual weapons such as guns? Even more forbidden, if possible.
A bit of a non sequitur–Sakaguchi Ango appears a perfectly law-abiding, if also perpetually tired man. Kunikida assumes that Ango must be employed at some kind of black company. Though he is always impeccably clad in three-piece suits complete with polished oxfords and glasses, Ango radiates an air of a man desperately wishing to get transmigrated into a feel-good slow-life fantasy after–inevitably–dying at his desk from overwork.
Kunikida, having narrowly escaped getting isekai'd himself more than once through college what with keeping up a scholarship, work, and at least half-a-dozen activities he got suckered persuaded to join and eventually lead, deeply empathizes with Ango. Whenever Ango visits Noraneko, back straight and face alert yet, somehow, still giving the impression of someone half-dead on his feet, Kunikida always feels compelled to be particularly attentive to the–presumed–salaryman.
And not just because, in his perpetually tired state, Ango has accidentally packed one of the kittens in his briefcase and would've brought it with him, had Kunikida not paid attention and successfully foiled the accidental cat-napping, more than thrice.
So when Kunikida pokes his head in Ango's private room and finds him fast asleep? Quite naturally, he doesn't move to wake him up, instead gently takes away the more playful kittens so not to disturb the sleeping man. And when he sees Ango's briefcase, surprisingly open and... containing a gun and what appears to be packets of white powder...
...
...
...
Kunikida looks at the briefcase. Directs his gaze to the still sleeping Ango. Back at the briefcase, back at Ango. Then, silently, he closes the briefcase and quits the room.
Blood is, decidedly, very important to living beings. Even to unliving beings, namely vampires that feed off living beings' blood. To lose a lot of one's blood is awfully dangerous. Even in fighting anime where death-defying stunts are the norm, watchers rarely expect non-main characters to survive losing three litres of their blood.
To recap, blood is important. The kind of important that one must fiercely guard and store inside one's body, like how a dragon stores its hoard in its lair–not flaunt it about wantonly wherever one goes.
Turns out no one tells Akutagawa this, for one fine day he appears at Noraneko, splattered with blood all over and shocking the life out of Kunikida who's greeting him.
Before Kunikida can panic and ask if Akutagawa is injured, he blurts out, "It's not my blood."
THAT'S WORSE!!!, Kunikida dearly wishes to shriek. Instead, he mildly replies, "I see."
Thankfully Akutagawa seems to (belatedly) realize how bad his statement sounds and hurriedly adds, "I–the–I got sprayed... by a blood bank... in a van... that exploded near me?"
Kunikida pauses. Sure, all the times sometimes he can be quite gullible, enough to get himself tricked into getting in a non-exploding non-blood-bank van with tinted windows and hidden number plate. Still this time Akutagawa's statement is so outrageous, even Kunikida has difficulties believing it.
Again Akutagawa seems to belatedly realize it and unsurely continues, "My sister's on period...?"
Kunikida frantically tries to recall his sex ed lesson back in middle school. He can't recall one instance where the brother of one on period gets splattered with the menstrual blood???
"...just. Kidding."
Most likely realizing he will die at his sister's hand after a whole week of cold-blooded torture should she learn of this specific excuse, poor Akutagawa can only stiffly say, "Da–my superior at work threw balloons filled with red paint at me. I couldn't duck in time."
Ah. Now, Kunikida understands. Poor Akutagawa's superior must be Dazai, who no doubt ordered him to make the previous excuses too.
Patting Akutagawa's shoulder, Kunikida brings him to the restroom.
Practically every field of work has its own phrases. Codewords. Professional terms. Vocabulary really, many of them evolving over time.
Still, anyone sufficiently well-informed (even if they have simply absorbed the knowledge via osmosis) can make educated guesses as to someone else's profession just based on the phrases they employ. In theory anyway. In practice the authoress herself never succeeds.
Now there are many phrases that refer to perfectly innocent professions. On the other hand, there are just as many phrases which refer to... shall we say, less savoury ones. As a rule, when not spoken by a decided chuunibyou, hardcore role-player, or writer, one had better steer clear off the one saying those phrases. Best case scenario, they're a more covert version of 'the chuunibyou and friends'. Worst case scenario, they're actual members of the unsavoury professions. High-ranking ones. And they'll have to silence you for having overheard them.
Putting all that aside, Oda Sakunosuke is a man of few words and expressions, but plenty of thoughts and feelings. An aspiring author despite ignorance of what a draft is, among the regulars of Noraneko he is the least troublesome–when he visits the cat cafe by himself, that is.
Alas, it seems that whatever Oda's job is it's hardly adequate to afford constant visits to Noraneko, so he mostly has to tag along Dazai (ugh), Ango (ahh, bette–Ango-san, no kidnapping the kittens again!), or most frequently Ozaki Kouyou. A most beautiful and elegant, but obviously shady, lady who spends more time trying to scout Kunikida for... something while Oda plays with the cats.
Today, though, right before Kunikida walks into the private room Kouyou and Oda stay in, he can't help overhearing Oda say some hella sus phrases.
"Ane-san. The oyabun of the Ryoken-kai just barged into headquarters–"
Ane-san. Big sister, also referring to a yakuza boss' wife or high-ranking female member.
Oyabun. Yakuza boss.
Ryoken-kai–eh? Isn't Fukuzawa-san's ex's business named Ryoken?
Kunikida, frozen at the doorway, proceeds to close his eyes. His ears. His mouth.
The three wise monkeys WISH they are as wise as Kunikida.
As has been touched upon in Ango's part, Japan is a peaceful country with low crime rates. Of course violence still occurs there; even Kunikida has done some fighting himself back through middle school and high school. The rumour about him ascending as banchou after conquering all the top dogs there was totally unfounded though. Believe him, he was there.
(At Kunikida's high school reunion...
"Ban–Kunikida-san, long time no see!"
"How've you been, ban–Kunikida-san? Got into any fight lately?"
"Whoa, cool, the whole gang's here! Say, banchou–cough, cough! I mean, Kunikida-san!!! How about a lil spar after this, for old time's sake?"
Kunikida gracefully agrees, then mercilessly wipes the floor with his old 'gang' from high school. They look very happy, so Kunikida is happy as well.
If only they wouldn't keep saying his name wrongly though...)
In Kunikida's mind, Nakahara Chuuya embodies an antithesis for violence. A gentle and sensitive soul, the petite, stylish man unabashedly loves classical music, fine art, literature, French cuisine, and wine. Kunikida can effortlessly imagine him, lounging on a velvet-upholstered armchair with a glass of wine in one hand, a luxurious white Persian cat napping on his lap, gazing at the full moon while Moonlight Sonata softly plays in the background.
Never once has Kunikida anticipated that, when he checks Chuuya's private room for noise complaint, he will find him in a compromising position!
...wait a moment, that sounds dirty and wrong. No, what Kunikida means is that he sees Chuuya–foot pressed between the shoulder blades of some guy in a dark suit and shades, the muzzle of a gun he's holding pressed on the guy's temple. The room the two are in remains intact, but both Chuuya and the guy are sporting bruises which–in Chuuya's case–weren't there when he first came in.
Soulfully, Kunikida and Chuuya stare at each other. Kunikida, wistful that the 'gentleman' image he has of Chuuya has been shattered. Chuuya, frantic that his carefully cultivated gentlemanly image is gone.
Finally, Kunikida speaks up.
"Please be careful not to scare the cats."
"Got it."
Days pass just like that. By the time one realizes it, August is coming to a close. Ditto school summer vacation, so Kunikida can abandon the apron-over-kimono waiter uniform in exchange for his teacher get-up. Not only that, he also now can abandon his worry over his potentially criminal customers.
Then the yakuza attacks.
Kunikida's definitely criminal customers fight back.
Fukuzawa appears, unsheathing the sword usually adorning the tokonoma in his office and–heedless, perhaps even impervious to bullets that fly about–proceeds to curb-stomp all threats to his cats.
Kunikida–safely gathered with the cats in a hidden bunker under Noraneko–whispers softly but with a lot of feelings, "What the fuck."
When Fukuzawa's both metaphorically and literally punted off the yakuza, Kunikida repeats his words. "WHAT THE FUCK!!!"
"Language, Kunikida-kun~"
Kunikida sends Dazai a vicious glare. Dazai replies with a demure blush and a flutter of his eyelashes. Ango and Oda have to prevent Chuuya from hitting Dazai.
Sighing, Fukuzawa starts explaining.
Turns out that, no, Kunikida's Criminal Customers™ are not yakuza. However, they are members of the Port Mafia, a more westernized crime organization based in Yokohama, where Noraneko is also at.
The yakuza member is Fukuzawa.
"But you still have all your pinky fingers?!" Kunikida blurts.
Fukuzawa shifts. "I didn't exactly. Quit the yakuza."
"..."
Fukuchi Ouchi–Fukuzawa's ex-boyfriend that even the generally oblivious Kunikida can tell still wants so badly to rekindle the flame with Fukuzawa–has 'kind of' let him go. What does 'kind of' even mean, Kunikida doesn't know and doesn't want to know.
As to Kunikida's Criminal Customers™... Fukuzawa has no clue himself. Kunikida turns toward the five guys, silently demanding an explanation.
Dazai flutters his eyelashes once again, then twirls a lock of his hair to boot. Ango badly pretends he's too busy fixing his glasses' position. Akutagawa is silent, as since the whole blood thing he's taken up a vow of silence. Oda looks inscrutable as always. Chuuya only, after coughing into his fist, eventually answers.
"While I cannot–and will not–speak for the others, as for my personal reason for always coming here, it's–"
"I wanna flirt with Kunikida-kun duh!" Dazai blithely cuts Chuuya's explanation. Chuuya stares at Dazai like he wants to cut Dazai's body off in pieces.
Kunikida can't truthfully state that he doesn't know the feeling.
Then Kunikida's brain registers Dazai's explanation and promptly goes blank.
"You what."
Fukuzawa calmly unsheathes his sword again.
"What, indeed."
Dazai's face displays his realization that his words are, mayhaps, in some manner or form, something akin to a mistake. He covertly shifts to hide behind Chuuya, who refuses to be made a meatshield and kicks him to the front.
Dazai switches to Akutagawa, who looks definitely torn between honoured that he's chosen to protect his superior and betrayed that he's been sacrificed to the legendary ex-assassin Fukuzawa Silver Wolf Yukichi. Oda and Ango exchange looks, then Ango sighs and steps up with another explanation.
"Professionally, we're here under order of our boss, Mori Ougai, who wishes it ascertained whether, ah, Fukuzawa-san is–unaffiliated. Romantically."
"..."
"..."
Oda casually adds, "Personally, though, we're here to meet Kunikida. And the cats."
Kunikida blinks. Looks at Oda, then Ango who now returns to adjusting his glasses, Dazai and Chuuya who are now squabbling, and Akutagawa, knocked down on the grass by them.
He blushes.