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Age 6: Nakahara Chuuya
"Oi, Doppo! Marry me!"
Kunikida Doppo—then still a chubby-cheeked, doe-eyed kindergartener—looks up inquiringly from the picture book in his hand towards the person who's just proposed to him: Nakahara Chuuya.
"Marry?" parrots Kunikida. As Chuuya nods in confirmation, Kunikida scrunches his nose—a cute gesture that nevertheless instills sudden dread within Chuuya's tiny body that Kunikida doesn't want to marry him. Fortunately for his fragile heart, Kunikida proceeds to follow that gesture with a question, "What is 'marry'?"
"Heh, you don't know?" Chuuya crows with far more hauteur than deserved by a person who just learnt of the concept yesterday. "It's what two people do when one of them needs to go away but they don't want it to happen!"
Thank you, romance drama in which the main characters quickly got married before the guy had to move to America and consequently be at risk of being tricked/coerced into marrying the antagonist, for showing Chuuya the way.
Kunikida attempts to process the load of new (incorrect) knowledge. Then he gasps, upset.
"Chuuya, you're going away?"
The sad undertone in his question could have made Chuuya cancel his moving-away plan, if only it had been his plan. Alas, his guardian is unreasonably insistent that a six-year-old boy, no matter how smart and strong, is not to live alone.
Holding back his (manly!) tears, Chuuya nods again. "You don't want me to go, right Doppo? So we should marry!"
"Okay." Kunikida also nods, determined. Since this is what ought to be done... "Wait, Chuuya, what would us marrying do?"
Chuuya is very smart, and the one episode he watched has been most educational.
"It would transform us into husband and wife. Husband and wife are the—the ultimate form. Even when we are separated after, the enemy wouldn't be able to defeat us."
This information is mind-blowing to Kunikida.
"But the Black and White Magical Boys had to stay together all the time to use their ultimate form?!"
"That's 'cause they didn't marry," says Chuuya, disparaging the Magical Boys' stupidity in not marrying each other.
"Why didn't they??"
"...I don't know. Maybe, they don't know about marriage?"
That makes sense. Kunikida jots down a note to inform the Magical Boys at the theme park the next time he visits.
"Okay, let's marry now!"
"Great! C'mon!"
Chuuya and Kunikida thus marry by the swing set, witnessed by the kindergarten teachers.
Age 10: Edogawa Ranpo
"Kunikida! You be the princess and marry me! The girls are just so annoying!"
Kunikida yelps as he dodges the dress Ranpo has just thrown towards him, before hurriedly picking it up. He casts a (mild) scolding glare towards the closed-eyed boy.
"Ranpo-san, you shouldn't do that! What if the dress gets ripped or soiled? We can't afford a replacement!"
Edogawa Ranpo scoffs, uncaring. "If that way this stupid play is canceled, good riddance."
Kunikida gives him another scolding glare.
"If it's just because no one else voted for your detective-based play—"
"It's not!" Although it plays a significant part... "It's all the girls being dumb—squabbling over who gets to be the princess and marry me, as if it'd be a real marriage."
Ranpo scoffs again. Kunikida can't disagree—and not just because he, for unknown reason, has a soft spot for Ranpo. It's a fact that their female classmates have been locked in a war over the role.
"Well, it is the main role. It's not unreasonable to want it," opines Kunikida.
Ranpo pounces on it like a cat on a mouse.
"So you do want the role?"
"What? No, I don't!" Kunikida sputters. "I just—ugh... Why do you want me to be the princess so badly anyway, Ranpo-san?"
Ranpo crosses his arms before his chest and pointedly looks away, refusing to answer. The only clue to his honest answer is the rosy hue suffusing his ears.
Through the intervention of higher power (the tired homeroom teacher), to Kunikida's shock and fear for his life, the princess role still falls to him eventually. Having yet to hit his growth spurt, he manages to wear the white princess dress without it requiring any alteration, while his blond hair—having always been kept long, thanks to the lax school dress code—requires no hair extension nor wig. Which is wonderful seeing as their budget can't afford to buy any.
(Their kingdom of a classroom is really poor.)
"Raven Prince, do you take the Swan Princess to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do!"
"Swan Princess, do you take the Raven Prince to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do..."
"I now pronounce you husband and wife, king and queen!"
And they live happily ever after~
The audience lets out a storm of applause as Swan Princess, now Queen Kunikida is at last married to Raven Prince, now King Ranpo.
Age 14: Tayama Katai
"Doppo, I beseech thee—marry me!"
In better circumstances, Kunikida would have thought Katai's marriage proposal a romantic one. But considering the two of them are only fourteen and supposed to be studying for the upcoming math exam tomorrow, the timing is rather inappropriate.
Not to mention, Katai's not on one knee while offering a ring box so much as on both knees while clinging to Kunikida's slacks. He seems more like a pitiful wife, begging not to be cast aside by the asshole husband.
Kunikida resists the urge to shove away Katai in disgust as an asshole husband would have done. Even if Katai is truly annoying him now.
In the end he asks flatly, "What is this about?"
At that, Katai eagerly leaps to his feet then all but shoves his phone on Kunikida's face.
"This! I want you to marry me in this game!"
"..."
Had Kunikida been nursing even the slightest infatuation for his best friend, that infatuation would have perished immediately.
"Mmm... But what if I don't want to?" Kunikida instead asks, mild as milk.
Katai breaks out in a cold sweat. But valiantly he tries to convince Kunikida.
"You wouldn't have to do much! Just make an account, then accept my in-game proposal!"
"It seems like a hassle to make the account... And don't I have to download the game first?"
"W, well—! I'll download it for you?"
"I don't know if my phone storage suffices..."
"It is! I know it is!! It'll be okay!!! Please!"
"Well... Oh wait, isn't this one of those—gacha games, is it? Then no, sorry Katai. My parents wouldn't approve of me playing one."
"I beg you!! This game is fun even without it—and you really don't have to play, anyway??"
"That's right... What we do have to do is study for tomorrow's math exam."
"...Doppo, you out of us all don't have to study for math. Aren't you already at college level?!"
Kunikida is humble. He is also benevolent (as well as satisfied having teased Katai) thus he consents to marry Katai.
Their marriage is marked by joyous ringing of wedding bells, the game's sound effect. Katai is elated to receive the reward from marriage.
(Three months later, he's devastated when his wife—having apparently become interested in the game—divorces him and takes all he has.
Katai's never thought Kunikida would be such a scumbag wife!!!)
Age 18: Dazai Osamu
"Beautiful stranger, would you please give me the honour of committing double suicide wi—wait, please don't sic the cops on me—I mean marrying me?"
"...still no, the fuck."
Kunikida is only starting college, but honestly, he's exhausted already. To receive a marriage proposal by some random dude all bandaged up at a library-cafe isn't in his schedule today.
Said stranger—who, seeing from the name on his coffee cup, is likely named Dazai Osamu—lets out a long, forlorn sigh after being turned down by Kunikida and proceeds to smush his cheek on the wooden table between them.
"Ah, mou...! I don't wanna study, I don't wanna work, can't I just marry someone and become a stay-at-home spouse??"
In a couple months, Kunikida reflects, he may very well be spouting the same nonsense. As he is now, though...
Bespectacled hazel eyes glance at his phone, specifically the 110 police number waiting for him to dial, then at this Dazai guy, who is now rubbing his cheek on the table's surface like a cat scent-marking. Pressing his lips, Kunikida decides to put off calling the cops until Dazai does something genuinely alarming first.
"Ahh... But nobody wanna marry me huh... I'm so lonely, why don't I just commit sui—"
"Don't you dare?" Kunikida snaps. "Why would you even want to do that?! If you're just lonely I wouldn't mind accompanying you—!"
Horrified, Kunikida belatedly realizes that he's fallen on this Dazai's cunning scheme.
"Then," Dazai smirks, eyes glinting in mischief so clear Kunikida is already regretting he was even born, "how about you keep me company bar-hopping tonight? Ku-ni-ki-da-kuuun~?"
Kunikida regrets. He regrets so much.
He regrets it the most when the following day he wakes up, clothes blessedly still intact but awfully messy, in a strange hotel room, where Dazai Damn Demon Osamu beams cheerfully while greeting him,
"Good morning, dearest wifey! I've ordered us the breakfast special~!"
"..."
Wordlessly, Kunikida puts on glasses, locates his phone and turns it on. Visiting his contact list, he scrolls down past 110 until he reaches his lawyer's number and clicks Call.
("Wait, wait, please! Kunikida-kun, I'm kidding! It was a joke, we didn't actually get married! It was just a fake marriage certificate—there's a site you can get it at! Our marriage's not valid, promise! Don't sue me, I'm poor!"
"Well, should've thought of the consequences before pranking me, then!")
Age 22: Oda Sakunosuke
"Kunikida-san, Kunikida-san! What's this?"
A little hand tugs on Kunikida's pants, making him look down. Seeing little Sakura's big eyes full of curiosity, Kunikida can't help smiling as he crouches, looking at the item that's piqued the eight-year-old girl's interest.
His smile subconsciously softens as his eyes land upon it. It's a box. No ordinary cardboard box, but a beautifully lacquered one—the sort in which one stores one's treasures.
And it does contain Kunikida's treasures, part of them anyway. He says as much to the little girl, whose eyes all but sparkle in awe.
"May I see them? Pretty please?"
Kunikida bites back his smile. "That's all right, but... I'm afraid you'd be disappointed to learn what they are."
Sakura insists. So—with a rather unnecessary flourish—Kunikida lifts open the lid of the box so that she can see the content.
"These are...?"
"My treasures," finishes Kunikida. Then with a teasing note, he adds, "by my ex husbands."
"...?!?" Sakura's gaping face reminds Kunikida of a hungry baby bird.
Nevertheless, no matter how hilarious it is, he had better not let this child keep thinking that he were a homme fatale or black widower.
"Kidding, Sakura. I never got married for real."
Carefully, Kunikida takes out the items inside: a blue paste jewel ring intended for little kids, a Swan Lake-themed tiara with fur headpiece, a silver necklace with probably? some mobile game's logo as its pendant, and a...
"Kunikida-san, is that a marriage certificate?"
"A fake marriage certificate."
Gently brushing his fingertips over the glossy laminated paper, he starts to tell Sakura. "The ring is from my best friend from kindergarten, he was going to move overseas then. We 'got married' before that since he somehow came to the conclusion that it was what people had to do before moving away, while I didn't know any better myself..."
Sakura politely moves her face, which speaks her true feeling.
"The tiara is from a school play I had to act in during grade school. I was the Swan Princess and my best friend at the time was the Raven Prince...
"This necklace is from my middle school best friend, its pendant is the logo of this game he introduced me to. I actually became addicted a couple months in...
"As for this certificate—to be honest, I used to think he was really annoying. He'd poke, prod, and push all boundaries simply to know what would happen. I have no idea how myself, but he's my best friend now."
"Kunikida-san—you have four best friends...?" Sakura mumbles in pure awe, being at an age where BFFs are the most sacred of all bonds. She has yet to learn of the phrase: 'Historians will call them best friends'.
Kunikida, equally ignorant of the phrase, nods proudly. And he has the right to be—he knows not everyone can retain such close friendship with the guys he calls his best friends.
Somewhere, a Vocaloid song Just Be Friends suddenly starts playing.
"And these are all your treasures from them?" Sakura's hands hover over the treasures; their monetary value close to nonexistent, yet their sentimental value... She doesn't dare to touch them!
"Well, there are more." Kunikida chuckles. Not a little wryly, recalling some of the more over-the-top gifts he's been given. "But... These are the ones I treasure the most, yes."
"May I add more to your treasures then?"
Kunikida yelps. Sakura yelps. The two shift to face the source of the voice, who's apparently been listening along to Kunikida's retelling.
"O, Oda-san?!" Kunikida stutters, then chokes. "I, I'm so sorry, I forgot we were still tidying—!"
Oda Sakunosuke blinks calmly. "It's okay. You have done most of it anyway, Kunikida."
"But still...!"
Sakura, aware that she is the one responsible for having distracted Kunikida, hurriedly asks, "Odasaku, do you want to give Kunikida-san a gift? What treasure do you have?"
Kunikida belatedly recalls Oda's question and looks inquisitively at him.
That look transforms into one of surprise and elation as, without uttering a word, Oda holds out a box containing a simple silver ring.
He's already voiced the question. So Kunikida can immediately answer—
"Yes, yes, yes! A thousand yes!"