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The spots in his eyes had slowly begun fading. Too bad the pounding behind his eyes wasn’t. Curled up on the pile of old labocats, various uniforms, and as many couch cushions as he had scavenged, Sebastian sulks.
Lifting one hand up to rub his sore, still watery eyes, he let out a grumble.
“Fucking Expendables…”
Blinking a few times, he turned over to face away from the vent entrance. His head felt as though something were trying to crush it, like it was being hit repeatedly with a hammer. Raising two of his arms, Sebastian covered his face in a half hearted attempt to block out… well, everything. But nothing can stop his thoughts when there’s nothing to be distracted by.
The still present white spots in his vision, a reminder of the stupid Expendables using the flash beacon that HE sold to them, also served to remind him of events he had done everything to try and bury in the back of his mind.
A blinding white light shining down on him, the light burning through his eyelids. Metal pipes and beams running lengthwise across the ceiling. Voices. Harsh, cruel voices and their mocking, sadistic words. Blue latex gloves. Hands, needles, all sorts of tools sharp and dull alike; poking, prodding, tearing, cutting, piercing. Pain. It hurts. Everything hurts. He couldn’t move. He can’t move. It’s hard to breathe. I can’t breathe.
His chest ached and he can hear his heart. The pain in his head pounded in rhythm with his erratic heartbeat. Breath got caught in his throat, and Sebastian’s claws tore at his scarf, throwing it somewhere in the pitch black space. Cool air on his gills helped, but only barely, as yet another part of what they did to him became visible. He remembered it all so vividly.
He remembered lying on the floor, much like he currently was. Sheer, utter agony coursing through his body. The feeling of choking on his own blood while the gills form, chest heaving, barely able to hold himself up.
The scientists got what they wanted. A human with gills. But by the time the gills had formed, he wasn’t sure he could be called human anymore. The figures behind the glass obviously didn’t think he was.
It’s almost laughable. In fact, Sebastian couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh. One day you’re living as normal… another day you look in the mirror and you have no idea what is looking back at you. Life could be cruel like that. Or maybe it was just the god forsaken Urbanshade that’s cruel. Maybe the universe just really had it out for him.
The pounding in his head worsens as his thoughts spiral. Grumbling, he turns over to coil into a ball.
What he wouldn’t give right now for a proper fucking bed. Maybe an ibuprofen.
And what he wouldn’t give to just hear his mom’s kind voice once again. To tell her that he loves her. To hear her say she loves him. Not that it’s ever going to be possible.
What did she sound like again? He scoured his memory prior to the horrible 12 years in this underwater hell hole. Before being accused of not one, but 9 murders. Before the world looked at him and said “fuck you in particular”.
The more he tried to remember, the more it evaded him. The ache in his chest returned full force. Why couldn’t he remember? The sound of his mother’s voice always grounded him, calmed him, soothed him… but now it was hardly an echo, just beyond his grasp.
With a sharp inhale and a stabbing pain in his chest, Sebastian realized that can’t remember her face.
He knew she had blue eyes like his… and dark brown hair that was graying at the roots. He knew she was almost always smiling or laughing. He knew all that. He knew it, but he didn’t remember it. It felt like the memories weren’t his own. As if he were just an outside observer, piecing together parts of a life he didn’t belong in. No matter how hard he tried to fit the pieces together, the picture felt wrong. Like it wasn’t his.
A choked sob, muffled by his arms and tail, echoed around his empty, dark shop. Then another. And another, only worsening his headache; only twisting the figurative knife in his chest. Tears pooled in his eyes, dripping down blue scaled cheeks.
“Mama… Mama, te extraño… te necesito…”
Claws dig into hair, pulling and digging into his scalp. His third arm wrapped around himself in a pathetic mimicry of comfort.
All the tears, the pain, the fear of the past god-knows-how-long, forced it’s way past any and all the anger he held, and if it didn’t hurt so goddamn badly, it’d be a relief.
………………………….
Sebastian wasn’t sure when he fell asleep. But he raised himself up on one arm, rubbing his horribly sore eyes with another hand, as the last one reached up to tug on his lure, lighting up his shop in a dim glow. His flash beacon induced headache was just about gone by now.
His scarf was hung over the balcony rail. It must have landed there last night. With a groan, Sebastian heaved himself up, leaning back on his tail.
“… Shit…” Yeah, that about summed up how he felt. His throat was dry and croaky from wailing his lungs out, his eyes still felt raw, and his cheeks stung a bit.
He couldn’t even be bothered to slither around. Instead, he simply used his arms to drag himself over the balcony rail and to the floor. He's pretty sure he heard every joint in his long body pop as he stretched out and practically fell into a pile beside his desks.
“Ow.”
With another drawn out groan, Seb pushed himself up once more, lazily slithering his way to the vent. He pushed away the metal crates blocking the vent as a makeshift door. A heavy sigh escaped him upon realizing that the shop was almost empty of items to sell. Now he had to go around and find some.
Grumbling to himself, Sebastian made sure his tail bags were secured, and empty. He slipped into the vent that looked far too small for him, but he miraculously was able to move through with little difficulty. He blocked off the vent again, before venturing through the blacksite. On his quest for items, the hollow sensation in his stomach decided that it needed to make itself known. Try as he might, the hunger simply would not leave him alone.
“Fucking fish body… needs so much god damn food…” He muttered as he made his way to a room with two vending machines along one wall.
Now, normally, Sebastian could merely flick the glass and it would shatter, thanks to his size and mantis shrimp DNA. But today, all his frustration mounted and came out as a punch that went right through the machine and into the wall.
Let’s just say you could probably hear his cursing all the way across the blacksite.
After a good couple minutes of swearing and… tearing apart the vending machine… Sebastian laid on one of the old couches and inhaled all the snacks that were still edible. A little stale, but sufficient.
Finally, though not full, he’d satiated his hunger for the time being. He continued on his way through the blacksite, grabbing any research, items, anything useful that he came across. He worked on autopilot, just paying enough attention to not die and to make sure he grabbed what he could. However his thoughts were elsewhere. His family still consumed his thoughts, though he refused to let himself break down again.
Another mistake like that could cost him everything.
They haunted him. His sister, his brother, his mom most of all. The hope of seeing them again is what kept him going for so long, but what do you do when you start to forget what drives you? He hated that he couldn’t remember their faces or their voices. He almost wondered if he got out of here, would it be better to not try and go home? If he did, would they listen to him or would they just scream and run from the literal and figurative monster he’d become? Even if they listened, would they still love him? Could he forgive himself for burdening them with who he’s become?
This place changes you. And he’s been here for 12 years. Maybe he’s not their Sebastian anymore.
Maybe he’s not even Sebastian Solace anymore.
He shakes his head, as if trying to shake away the thoughts. His eyes were starting to sting again, and he’d had enough crying yesterday to last another long while. Up ahead, he heard the familiar two tone sound of the PA system coming on, and stopped to listen. He really didn’t want to deal with Expendables outside of his shop.
“-But you’re very nice to talk to, Miss Eyefestation! Definitely better company than the Mask of Sadness-”
Oh.
Slithering onwards, Sebastian opened the next few doors before finding himself in a large, open room. One side was a big window, where Eyefestation was leisurely swimming around. For a moment as the door opened, she turned on her brain melting, and Sebastian shielded his eyes before she realized her mistake and quickly shut off the ability.
‘ I am so sorry, friend…’ He heard her familiar, welcome voice in his head.
“It’s alright.” he shrugs.
“HI SEBASTIAN.” Yelled a slightly electronic voice, punctuated by mic feedback.
“Hello Painter.” he sighs. Annoyed as he acted, even he had to admit that Painter’s manic antics could be… endearing.
“Eyefestation and I were just talking!” Painter’s face showed up on the Navipath monitor with a big scribbled smile.
“I heard you from three rooms down.”
“O-oh! Well-“
‘ It’s alright. You have just been a bit energetic.’
The three simply talked for a while, about this and that. As much as Sebastian enjoyed the company of his family his friends his allies, his mind once more wandered to darker thoughts.
‘ Sebastian.’ He hears her voice, and looks up. She must be only communicating to him, as Painter is still yapping away.
‘ What.’
‘Something is wrong. You’re more… withdrawn than usual .’
‘It’s nothing, Eyes… Don’t worry about me.’
‘I’ll stop worrying about you when you stop lying to me.’
“Uhhhhh. So… why are you both staring at eachother?”
Eyefestation blinked, looking back to Painter on the Navipath screen. ‘Sorry, what were you saying Painter?’ she said, broadcasting her words to both of them.
“Oh! I was saying that I’m really glad I have you two down here! I’m not sure I’d be able to handle being alone. I’ve… never really had a family, besides my creator… but he talked about family a lot, and I just wanted to say that from how he described it, I really think of you guys like my family. I hope you feel the same?”
There’s a moment of silence while Eyefestation and Sebastian process the AI’s words. Eyefest is the first to speak.
‘ Of course, Painter. I think you and Sebastian are the closest I’ve had to a family in some time…’
“Really?! That's great! I mean- not great that you haven’t felt- er, you know what I mean! What about you, Sebastian?”
Sebastian is silent.
“Uh, Sebastian?” Painter asks nervously. “It’s okay if you don’t think of us that way! I won’t be upset…”
Painter’s only response is silence.
Sebastian’s mind is freaking out. Of course he saw them as family, he would willingly die if only it meant they would be okay. But he can’t admit that. Not to himself, not to anyone. Every person he’s ever loved has been torn away from him or hurt. He doesn’t want to lose anyone, and admitting his care is just the first step back to that heartbreak. And why would these two see him as family? Why would he be worthy of that?
“Sebastian?! You- you’re crying, I, I didn’t mean to upset you! I’m sorry are you-“
‘ Hush.’
Painter quieted down, and Eyefestation swam closer to Sebastian. He realized that he was crying again. God damn it. It was not his day today(when was it ever?).
‘Sebastian, you can rely on us. It’s okay. We are in this together.”
Sebastian sighed, sniffling and wiping his eyes with his coat sleeve. “… I guess we are, yeah…”
This was a bad idea. A terrible one, even. But to hell with it. They’d done so much for him, he owed them this much.
Placing one hand on the Navipath screen, a second on the glass wall, and a third over his heart, he spoke. “Yeah. I guess we are a family. As close to one as we can get, anyways…”
Painter drew a hand where Seb’s rested, and Eyefestation gently bumped her nose against the glass with his hand.
Maybe things would never go back to how he wanted them. But this felt pretty nice too.