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The wizarding world was a strange place. There were about a million people who had the power to destroy whole buildings or turn people into beetles or make vehicles fly just by waving a stick at them. It was enough to boggle the minds of most muggles on a good day.
Alas, you see, in all its wonder and magic and flashy little nifty little gizmos and nicknacks, the wizarding world lacked one thing; common sense. There was not much to go around. And why would there be? Wixen, for all their creative imaginations and intelligence, are convinced they have no need for logic, no need for rationality. This explains a lot of problems in their world, from their prison breaks(the bars were too far apart) to their system of economy (how many sickles made a galleon again? Did this change when the price of gold changed?). It was honestly a miracle how everything didn’t collapse every other week.
Of course there were some rare slivers of rationality here and there. But a vast majority of the wizarding world was blissfully ignorant of the concept of using a single brain cell.
Hagrid’s hippogriff was put on trial and had been brought back, only with its name changed from Buckbeak to Witherwings, and no one had batted an eye. To them that was a completely different animal, no questions asked. With the state of the law and order department, Voldemort could have returned and just started calling himself an American named Steve and worn a fake moustache. You would see the Minister shaking hands with him the next day, welcoming him to the country.
So yes, it was safe to say the wizarding world lacked common sense.
Remus Lupin was well aware of this fact. Therefore, right after Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban and moved to his childhood house, a rather grim old place, the Grimmauld Place, Remus had devised a clever plan.
“Erm, hello everyone! This is our new member,” he announced in the next Order meeting, “My cousin, Gerald. Gerald White.”
The Order members stifled a laugh. Minerva McGonagall had a proud glint in her eyes. Gerald was welcomed and soon became a cherished and irreplaceable member of the Order.
“Mr. Lupin!” a witch they met at Diagon Alley exclaimed, red in the face, “that is clearly Sirius Black in glasses.”
“Oh come on now my dear lady, this is my cousin. Besides, Sirius Black never wore glasses. That wouldn’t make sense.” Remus chided, dousing away the bit of logic that had popped up somehow.
“Well have Mr. White take off his glasses then!”
“He can’t, he needs them to see.” Remus then bid the bewildered witch goodbye with a smile.
The Ministry never ever disbelieved in Gerald White. They bought it, hook, line and sinker. Cornelius Fudge had enough problems on his hands to care about something that could cause major upheaval in the public. The rest of the wizarding world bought it, hook, link and sinker. Gerald would have people charmed and assured they were safe. He was completely sane! And handsome, with a rather stylish pair of spectacles too! Now would a convicted murderer help you carry the groceries and hold open doors for you? Certainly not! In his free time, Gerald even drew a little comic section for the Daily Prophet. Children loved his comic strips and his witty, biting sense of humour. Now would a convicted murderer be widely recognised and admired by your children? I reckon you hope not.
The goblins could care less about who used the money in their vaults, as long as they have the key to it. Sirius- I mean, Gerald had full access to the Black family fortune, since he had the key to it.
All was well. According to the Daily Prophet, Harry Potter, the boy who lived, had been adopted by Gerald White, since he was an orphan and his aunt and uncle were only too happy to wash their hands of him. A picture of Harry smiling next to his new adoptive father was plastered on the front page. The article revealed that he now lived with Gerald and his dear cousin Remus Lupin at Grimmauld Place, for it so happened that Sirius Black had left his house in Harry’s name before he had disappeared mysteriously. Some sources claimed he was dead. These sources, of course, were questioned by no one.
No one, except for just one person, that is. Gerald drove this person up a wall. He was the bane of this person’s existence, you could even say. This was none other than Potions Master and Order member, good old grumpy Severus Snape. The man was livid. Outraged, even. Severus tried his hardest to prove to everyone that Gerald was in fact, Sirius Black.
“Oh, I get that a lot! I must be Black’s doppelganger, you know.” Gerald replied, when Snape had had a right fit seeing him at the Order meeting.
“WHAT NONSENSE!! Are you dunderheads actually buying his lies? Albus, Minerva, you too?”
“Now now Severus, do sit down.” Dumbledore said delightedly, “Would you like a sherbet lemon? Gerald likes them too!”
“Have a biscuit, Severus,” Minerva said, “You will upset Remus with the shouting.”
“That’s right, Severus,” Remus said, hurt and affronted, “he’s my cousin.”
Severus was foaming and frothing at the mouth throughout the meeting. Gerald, eyes twinkling with mischievous mirth, asked if he would like a cup of tea to calm himself down. Severus fumed.
.˳·˖✶𓆩🪄𓆪✶˖·˳.
Severus had decided that desperate times call for desperate measures. He was going to prove that Sirius Black was right under everyone’s noses. He was going to end this Gerald White nonsense once and for all.
Only three drops of Veritaserum, the strongest truth potion in the world, were enough to break even the toughest wixen. Snape took a couple of Aurors along with him, to arrest Sirius as soon as he confessed.
Alas, this was proving to be much more irritating than he had planned it to be. The part with slipping Sirius the potion had proven to be easy. The rest, not so much.
“I’m asking you this again, are you or are you not Sirius Black?”
“I go by Gerald White actually.” the man replied once again, placing both legs on the table with a soft thunk and sporting a self satisfied smile.
“Alright I’ll ask you different questions,” Snape drawled, “Did you, or did you not commit the crime of murdering twelve muggles and Peter Pettigrew?”
“I did not.” Gerald affirmed. Could the potion be wrong? Nonsense, Snape had brewed it himself.
“Were you imprisoned in Azkaban as punishment for said crime?”
“No, I wasn’t.” Snape groaned.
“Mr. Snape, you are wasting our time.” the Auror spoke, bored.
“Oh Merlin, you imbeciles can’t you see it’s him?! You imprisoned him! You saw his picture in the posters!”
The Aurors exchanged a look. “He didn’t have glasses.” they said.
“For goodness sake! His name is literally the opposite of Sirius Black! He’s trying to pull the wool over your eyes, you fools!” Severus screeched at the Aurors.
“Don’t be silly,” Remus chided him, “the opposite of Sirius Black would be Joking White. His name is Gerald.” Snape let out another groan of anguish.
“He’s not very clever is he?” an Auror asked Gerald.
“He has some brain damage, poor fellow. Sorry to bother you, kind sirs.” Gerald said graciously.
“Oh, I like your comic strip!” another Auror said, shaking his hand.
“Thank you.” Gerald beamed at them.
“How did you lie?” Harry asked after they had left, “I bet he put something in that firewhiskey.”
“Ah well I didn’t, did I?” Gerald chuckled, “I do go by Gerald, I didn’t kill anyone, and I didn’t go to Azkaban to be punished. I went as a result of no one checking if I was innocent or not.”
“You know, if they had any brains, they would’ve given you a trial,” Remus sighed, shaking his head, “or at least, you know, checked your wand or given you Veritaserum.”
As previously mentioned, the wizarding world lacked common sense.
.˳·˖✶𓆩🪄𓆪✶˖·˳.
What had Snape said earlier? Yes, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dementors, as it turned out, were easy enough to acquire if you know where to look.
That’s a lie, Severus had to go to Azkaban and spend twenty minutes arguing with a guard till he had had enough and stupefied him to get the dementors himself.
Surprisingly the easy bit was coaxing the dementor into leaving the prison and getting in a sack. Perhaps it had enjoyed going outside for a change. Perhaps it was baited by the premise of feeding on Snape’s happiness while he carried him. Perhaps it was just stupid and liked sacks. Whatever the reason, Severus Snape was now carrying a dementor in a sack to London. Apparently muggles on the dreadful Underground were frequented by slimy old men with moving sacks that made you feel dreadful, because they did not say anything to him.
Severus had also summoned a reporter along with him to catch Sirius in act. Act here being kissed by a dementor. Either way he was sure to get rid of the pesky Black.
.˳·˖✶𓆩🪄𓆪✶˖·˳.
Severus Snape had not been this happy in a long time. Seeing Sirius scream as a dementor sprang out of a sack in front of him was definitely one of the highlights of his life.
His joy, however, was short-lived.
Potter, the good for nothing twerp, knew how to produce a corporeal patronus for some reason. The dementor had just been about to give Black the kiss, when he had stepped in. How annoying.
“Did that dementor attempt to give Mr. White the kiss? Maybe Mr. Snape here is right.” the reporter, bless him, pointed out. The situation was salvageable, Snape thought happily.
“Excuse me, but I’ve never committed a crime, and dementors are always attacking me,” Pesky Potter said and added, “I think they’re attracted to glasses.”
The reporter nodded sagely and proceeded to interview Potter with his stupid dementor encounters.
“Foiled again!” Snape grumbled.
.˳·˖✶𓆩🪄𓆪✶˖·˳.
“Gerald and I are engaged,” Remus declared to the Order, one morning. Several people whooped and cheered.
“YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” Snape screamed.
“Come now Severus, you readily accept I'm a werewolf, but draw the line at homosexuality?”
“What are you- you- you said he was your cousin!” Severus sputtered, looking traumatised.
“Oh it’s alright! I was adopted.” Gerald reassured him.
“Besides Professor,” Hermione Granger piped up, “it’s not illegal to be in marriages involving incest.”
“Yeah, just look at the Black family tree upstairs. It’s more of a circle than anything.” Ronald Weasley said.
Severus looked like one of those comic strip characters Gerald drew, who had smoke coming out of their ears when they were furious.
“You look a bit red in the face, Severus,” Gerald said empathetically, “fancy a breakfast scone? Remus made them.”
Snape sneered at him and stormed out of the room.
“I think he doesn’t like scones very much,” Remus told the giggling children.
.˳·˖✶𓆩🪄𓆪✶˖·˳.
Snape had thought he could at least have Gerald White arrested for being an unregistered animagus. However, to his great displeasure, upon his arrival a very smug looking Remus had informed him that they had just come back from getting Gerald’s animagus form registered with the ministry. The Minister had even given them a nod of approval when they ran across him outside the office. Gerald the dog sat wagging his tail in Remus’ lap, receiving head pats from the latter.
“He can literally turn into a BLACK DOG! BLACK DOG, SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS MEANS DOG!” Snape was shouting at the Order members, who seemed bored and rather annoyed they couldn’t have their tea in peace. That too when Remus had made cake for them!
“That’s absurd Severus,” Remus said calmly, “Sirius Black was never an animagus. Besides which, people’s names don’t have any influence over their animagus forms or anything like that. That’s ridiculous.”
“Shut up, WEREWOLF MCWEREWOLF!” Snape yelled.
Everyone looked at Remus, who blinked and sighed, put on the spot. Gerald turned back into his human form.
“Pure coincidence,” Gerald said, “My aunt was into Roman mythology. Has to happen sometimes.” Then he paused to give Snape an overly concerned look. “Are you alright, Severus? You’re looking a little red there.”
Snape did not have any cake in the meeting.
.˳·˖✶𓆩🪄𓆪✶˖·˳.
Gerald White casually sat at the dinner table, reading his son’s letter.
“Oh look dear, Harry says that Severus has given him another unsolicited detention.”
Gerald hummed happily. “Perhaps a parent-teacher meeting is in order.”
“You’re going to Hogwarts?” his fiance asked, amused, “want me to come with you?”
“Oh no darling, I think I can handle it.” Gerald winked.
Harry didn’t know why, but his detentions were cancelled because Snape had not shown up. In fact he had not shown up for quite a while. The other professors simply smiled and told him he had called sick and gone back home for the rest of the year.
Potions was now taught by the Sorting Hat, who proved to be a much better teacher, full of helpful advice which was always, always in song form.
.˳·˖✶𓆩🪄𓆪✶˖·˳.
Even after quite a lot of time and effort, the wizarding world never believed Snape. And yet, Gerald White was soon to be arrested. Not by the Ministry of Magic of the UK, but by the Magical Government of America. A few dozen letters were sent and a few strings were pulled, but in the end, Snape was walking towards Grimmauld Place with a Yank Auror of his own.
That’s right folks. Snape had taken his matter overseas. Would he get what he wanted? Haha, good question.
“What do you mean he’s gone?” Snape shouted at Remus, who just shrugged.
“Hey Snappy dude,” the American Auror yelled from outside, “where’s your guy?”
Snape cursed the heavens. Sirius Black had disappeared, managing to escape from his clutches yet again.
.˳·˖✶𓆩🪄𓆪✶˖·˳.
“Hello everyone,” Remus announced, “this is our new member, Geronimo Weasley.”
“NOT AGAIN!” an outraged voice shouted.
“Whatever do you mean, dear friend Severus?” Remus simpered.
“That is clearly Sirius Black with a moustache.” Snape snapped. Remus huffed.
“Now now, Sirius Black was not a Weasley. He didn’t have a moustache either.”
“But the moustache is fake! And he doesn’t even have red hair!”
“Mamma Mia, zat is because sono Italiano,” Geronimo said, in a thick comical accent. “Would you like-a spaghetti?”
Snape looked like he wanted to burst into flames spontaneously. He glared at the Weasleys and Remus, and then finally at the resident Italian, storming out of the room.
“I don’t think he likes you Uncle,” Fred Weasley said. Geronimo laughed.