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Wanting Mark was nothing like having Mark.
The former was riveting; the latter was terrifying.
The latter was like pulling off a once-in-a-lifetime heist, and then being asked to do it again.
Donghyuck held his breath; as though even the smallest distortion in the air would pop the bubble of contentedness around their bed.
Mark was sleeping. His head was tilted slightly toward Donghyuck. He had one hand rested on his ribcage, palm flat and fingers splayed. Donghyuck watched the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest diligently.
He wanted to reach out and run a knuckle along the firm line of Mark’s jaw. He wanted to take Mark’s pulse just in case he was still dreaming and his eyes couldn’t be trusted.
Instead Donghyuck tucked himself back under Mark’s chin and thought about how warm his blood and skin and body were.
Donghyuck didn’t know how he’d managed this miracle the first time; he didn’t know what he would do if Mark ever called his bluff.
The sound of a car door slamming jolted Donghyuck out of his thoughts. Renjun heaved a sigh larger than his tiny person should have been able to produce.
“Yeah.” Donghyuck agreed with a sigh of his own.
Renjun stared straight ahead at the gray sky through the windshield.
“That was so…awful,” he stated plainly.
Donghyuck dropped his head to the hard foam steering wheel.
“How was it so bad?” He groaned. “We studied! We went through all the lectures!”
Renjun shook his head, eyes still hazy and unfocused and tormented in the way only a truly miserable “Intro to Astronomy” midterm could inflict. The two of them had chosen the course to satisfy their hard science requirement under the false presumption that, surely this must be easier than Biology or Chemistry, and, how hard can it be to memorize a couple constellations? As it happened, astronomy required significantly more math and less stargazing than they’d anticipated.
“Do we still have the vodka?” Renjun whimpered.
Donghyuck turned the key in the ignition and cringed as the engine ground itself to life.
“Yeah, and if we need more I’ll make Mark go get it.”
Renjun released another sigh.
“I love having your boy toy around.”
Donghyuck swallowed. Mark was leaving again in a few days.
“Me too,” he agreed quietly.
Thanksgiving was right around the corner and Donghyuck didn’t want to go home.
He threw himself down on Renjun’s Mom’s old couch that she’d generously donated to their tiny apartment off campus. He called Mark.
“Hey,” Mark rasped over the phone. The static on the line went straight to Donghyuck’s head.
“Hi,” Donghyuck breathed out.
“How was your day?” Mark asked.
Donghyuck still balked at the question. He felt horribly out of his depth.
This was his first relationship but only Mark’s latest. Mark knew all the questions significant others were supposed to ask each other. Mark knew that people who were dating slipped their hands in each other’s back pockets and traded ‘good mornings’ and ‘good nights,’ and kissed each other chastely in public just to say ‘hello.’
He knew it was unfair, but Donghyuck didn’t like feeling out of his depth. Most of the time he was the one reminding Mark to email his professors and double-check his syllabi and eat between work and classes.
But Donghyuck had no idea how to share himself with another person and Donghyuck felt like he was flunking an exam every time Mark called him a term of endearment he’d never heard of before.
“Ah it was fine. I turned in my last paper, so I have a few days to sleep.”
Mark hummed in approval.
“How was your day?” Donghyuck returned politely.
Mark laughed, like he could hear the obligation in Donghyuck’s voice.
“It was good, Jeno begged me for my shift so I came straight home from school. Think I’m gonna skate later, it’s not supposed to rain.”
I miss you, Donghyuck thought miserably. He turned his head so his eyes were buried in the knotted purple cushion.
“Sounds fun.”
Mark laughed again, like he could tell Donghyuck was biting his tongue.
“I miss you,” Mark told him fondly.
Donghyuck was grateful Mark couldn’t see his face.
Mark whispered sweet reassurances so easily and Donghyuck constantly forgot he was allowed to return them. He and Mark were dating, it wasn’t a secret that Donghyuck loved him, it wasn’t strange that Donghyuck would miss his boyfriend, in fact it was more strange that this was something he felt like he should hide.
How are you so much better at this than me? Donghyuck wanted to demand.
But then, he already knew the answer.
“If you’re so worried about it then why don’t you just ask him?” Renjun suggested.
Donghyuck squinted to keep his eyes from bugging out of his head.
“Ask him what?”
Renjun lowered the volume on the television and angled himself toward Donghyuck on the couch.
“Why he loves you?”
If possible, Donghyuck’s squint deepened.
“Oh yeah I’ll just walk up to him and say, ‘Hey Mark, why do you love me?’”
“Exactly! See you got it.” Somehow Renjun’s eye smile managed to seem threatening.
Donghyuck calmly picked up the pillow wedged between himself and the armrest with the intention of whacking Renjun with it.
“He’ll think I’m crazy,” Donghyuck dismissed.
“You are crazy,” Renjun returned brightly.
“Yes but he might not know that yet,” Donghyuck protested.
“Oh, he knows,” Renjun reassured Donghyuck easily.
Donghyuck swung the pillow directly into Renjun’s face with a thwack.
Despite his misgivings, Thanksgiving arrived anyway and Donghyuck dutifully drove Renjun and Mark all six hours to their hometown.
He was fairly certain the rusted green population counter at the border hadn’t been updated in at least twenty years. He focused on the towering trees on either side of the two-lane highway.
He felt the buzz of humanity in his veins dampen as their car sped from an area of high concentration to low concentration.
He felt the little pilot light of his individual spirit that he was carefully tending to back at school dim down into an ember.
He was less Donghyuck the Person and more drying out like thirsty grass on the field; slowly grinding into sand under the pier; sponging into the damp earth with the Redwood roots.
For better or worse, he was going home.
He pulled up to the front of Renjun’s house first and helped him haul his suitcase to the door. With a quick hug and a promise to call, Donghyuck got back behind the wheel.
He and Mark would be staying in Donghyuck’s empty house together for a week. Mark’s parents still lived in the area but Mark assured Donghyuck that it was best for everyone if Mark kept a healthy distance. That and Mark was adamantly against Donghyuck spending the holidays alone, kicking around the house and talking to the walls.
Donghyuck flipped the car into park and half-collapsed out of his seat. He caught himself, bent double with his hands on his knees as he waited for the blood that had been banished from his legs by the long drive to replenish.
Mark came over from the passenger side and wrapped an arm around Donghyuck’s midsection. He squeezed a palmful of his waist with a strong hand.
“Hey, I’ll get the bags, you go inside,” Mark instructed softly.
Donghyuck shook his head, still swimming.
“No, no, it’s fine,” Donghyuck insisted. He gripped Mark’s shoulder with one hand and pulled himself upright. He took a single wobbly step in the direction of the trunk before Mark slipped one arm under his knees and another across his shoulder blades and hoisted Donghyuck into a bridal carry.
“Mark! Put me down!” Donghyuck shrieked.
Mark grinned and resolutely started for the door despite Donghyuck’s wriggling.
“Nope.”
“This is battery! Well, no, probably not. This is kidnapping! Actually…I guess it’s my house. This is hostage-taking! That’s domestic terrorism!”
Mark watched Donghyuck work all this out with an amused smirk on his face.
“You done?” He asked politely.
Donghyuck glared up at him, a gesture that was significantly less menacing given the tousled state of his hair.
Mark smiled.
“You gotta hold on to my neck so I can get the key out of my pocket.”
Donghyuck did so begrudgingly.
Once Mark wrestled the both of them inside, he deposited Donghyuck on the couch and hung around to kiss him, long and thorough.
A fleck of spit glistened on the pad of Mark’s bottom lip when he pulled away. Donghyuck tried not to stare.
“Stay here,” Mark requested; eyes big and earnest.
“Okay,” Donghyuck conceded.
Mark nodded, pleased, and planted one more quick kiss on his lips before turning away.
Donghyuck spent Thanksgiving day with Renjun’s family; which was a pleasant affair, but he could only stare shyly at so many new faces with Renjun’s familiar nose and eyes and lips before he started to wilt. Anyone alive that could bear resemblance to Donghyuck was either out of the picture or probably didn’t know he existed.
Renjun hugged Donghyuck goodbye.
Donghyuck was halfway home on foot when the tell-tale crunch of gravel pulled up next to him.
“Need a ride?”
Donghyuck didn’t have to look, he knew Mark had the window rolled down and his elbow propped up.
“I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.”
“Come on, I don’t bite.”
Donghyuck broke character immediately.
“You do .”
Mark smiled.
“I can’t help it,” he defended.
Donghyuck rolled his eyes and slung himself into the passenger seat.
“You are beyond help,” he grumbled.
“But I love you,” Mark sing-songed like that would make up for it.
Donghyuck blushed.
It kind of made up for it.
Mark put the car in drive.
“I don’t wanna go home,” Donghyuck blurted out once they were two blocks away.
“Where to then?”
Donghyuck paused.
“Bleachers?”
“Okay,” Mark agreed with a shrug.
The bleachers in the back of the high school were dilapidated to the point of being wrapped in chain-link fencing with a “WARNING” sign hung off the side.
Donghyuck scaled the obstruction and made his way to the top.
Mark straddled the bench beside him and rummaged in his pockets for his lighter.
Donghyuck sat on his hands to keep them warm.
Mark held the cigarette up to Donghyuck’s lips for him.
A moment passed; Donghyuck could faintly hear crickets.
The woods in the distance were blacked out in contrast to the light still left in the sky.
“Mark, I have a stupid question.”
“Shoot.”
Donghyuck made sure Mark was listening.
“Why do you love me?”
Mark blew out a stream of smoke.
“I don’t know, I just do.”
“But why?”
“Hm.” He rubbed a hand back and forth over Donghyuck’s thigh to try and generate some warmth for him. “Can I get back to you?”
“Sure,” Donghyuck agreed listlessly.
He leaned in for another drag.
Mark flicked his lighter on and then let it go out.
“Do you like me now that I’ve changed?”
Donghyuck frowned.
“You didn’t change.”
Mark’s expression was disbelieving.
“Come on.”
“You didn’t. I would’ve noticed.”
“I was so different when I met you.”
“No, you weren’t.”
Mark looked ready to drop it.
Donghyuck had a thought.
“Do you miss it?”
The drugs, the bruises, the danger, the adrenaline.
Mark almost winced; maybe there was smoke in his eyes.
“Sometimes.”
“Well I don’t miss getting your blood out of my clothes.”
Mark chuckled.
He cracked a shoulder blade.
“One reason I love you, I think I could tell you anything.”
Donghyuck inspected the bundle of carrots in his hands.
“Do you think Renjun will want some?”
Mark looked up from his phone.
“Dude, yeah.” He slipped his phone back in his pocket. “For such a tiny person he eats like a horse.”
“You’re right,” Donghyuck agreed. He tossed a second bundle into their cart.
Donghyuck followed Mark to the cereal aisle.
“Do you like Frosted Flakes?” Mark’s tone belied some surprise that he didn’t already know the answer.
Donghyuck tossed his head from side-to-side.
“I like Captain Crunch more, but we can get Frosted Flakes.”
Mark narrowed his eyes.
“You’re being too nice. Why?”
Donghyuck feigned offense.
“I can’t be nice to my boyfriend?”
“No, it’s weird,” Mark reprimanded as he tossed the box of Frosted Flakes in the cart.
Donghyuck didn’t respond.
Mark pulled at the loose hang of Donghyuck’s sweater around his abdomen.
He was about to resume pushing the cart but then he paused.
“What?” He was referring to the pout on Donghyuck’s face.
“Oh nothing,” Donghyuck exaggerated. “Here I was, thinking that you loved me.”
Mark laughed and pulled a box of Captain Crunch off the shelf as well.
Donghyuck hid his delighted smile unsuccessfully behind his palm.
They meandered the aisles a while longer. Donghyuck restocked his vanilla sweetener. Mark snagged a six-pack of beer from the case.
Donghyuck picked out snacks for the trip back to school. Mark bought a new pack of pens.
Donghyuck trundled the cart back to its corral while Mark paid for their groceries. He snatched one bag off Mark’s overladen hands but was forbidden from carrying more. He fished the car keys out of Mark’s pocket for him. He offered to drive.
By the time they pulled into the driveway the stars were out.
Donghyuck put his share of the load away and then went to change into sweats.
Mark caught up to him when Donghyuck was brushing his teeth in front of the bathroom mirror. Donghyuck turned in the circle of Mark’s arms and hopped up backwards on the counter so he could stare at Mark instead.
Donghyuck crawled into bed first, Mark slipped in soon after.
They’d taken the cover off the skylight above their bed. As winter approached there was no danger of the sun waking them up early.
Donghyuck curled toward Mark’s chest; Mark’s hands came up behind him.
Donghyuck counted his heartbeats.
“Another reason I love you,” Mark broke their silence thoughtfully. “You’re not nice to me.”
Donghyuck watched the stars out the window.
He hummed in acknowledgement that he’d heard.
He thought, please God, I won’t ask for anything else ever again just let me keep him.
The woods were the same as they always were. Mostly silent except for the swish of leaves when a breeze came through.
Donghyuck put his headphones in. He listened to the song he’d overplayed all those months ago when Mark first caught his eye.
Donghyuck dragged his hands over the tree trunks. He blew the dusting of red wood off his fingertips. He wondered if Mark wanted a family.
There had been a time when Donghyuck thought about giving up.
When he couldn’t see the floor of his room through the piles of clothes and books and the debris of his childhood.
When he wondered if the rest of his life would mean summoning the strength to pick himself up over and over and over again.
When he couldn’t think of a good reason to put himself through it.
Even now, Mark wasn’t a good enough reason. And that scared him.
At the same time, Mark kept him company at the bottom of the pit, and Donghyuck thought he would always love him for that.
Donghyuck took his headphones out. Silence immediately filled his ears with a slight pressure.
He dropped into a crouch and pressed his palms to the ground for a moment.
The washer and dryer in the basement were haunted. They had to be.
“Look! It’s blinking and I haven’t even turned it on yet!” Donghyuck gestured forcefully at the evidence.
Mark raised an eyebrow.
“Maybe you just forgot to turn it off.”
Donghyuck gave him the look he usually reserved for people who asked stupid questions in his Child Psychology seminar.
“We haven’t used it since we’ve been here, genius.”
Mark dropped his eyebrow.
“Maybe it’s been on since the summer.”
Donghyuck huffed.
“It has not. And I know it has not, because before we left I unplugged it. So it shouldn’t even be plugged into the wall.”
“Oh, I plugged it in.”
“Well why would you do that?” Donghyuck squawked.
“Because we need to do our laundry!” Mark was letting Donghyuck work him up.
“Don’t come down here without me,” Donghyuck scolded.
“It’s just a basement,” Mark deadpanned.
“One of us has lived here their whole life, and one of us is you,” Donghyuck shot back.
“Don’t worry, I got a gun.”
“Guns don’t work on ghosts Mark!”
“Man, I’m not afraid of some ghost.”
Donghyuck sighed like he knew this was a pointless argument. Mark tried to smother his smile.
Donghyuck pulled open the washing machine and started piling their clothes inside. Halfway through he paused to squint at Mark.
“You could help you know,” he stated flatly.
He couldn’t decide whether he was actually annoyed with Mark or not.
Mark shrugged.
“Okay.”
He slammed the washer closed with one hand and before Donghyuck could finish his indignant, “What the fu-!” Mark had him picked up and put down on top of the washer with the rest of Donghyuck’s outburst muffled by the shirt being stripped over his head.
Donghyuck quickly stopped complaining once there was a hand skimming the waistband of his sweats and Mark’s mouth hot on his neck.
By the time they finished loading the rest of the laundry Donghyuck was too flush and blissed out to remember to be afraid.
Mark traced a finger over the curve of Donghyuck’s collarbone.
“So where does this rank on the list of reasons you love me?” Donghyuck was going for tongue-in-cheek.
“You are so beautiful,” Mark whispered back.
The screech of packing tape grated against Donghyuck’s ears.
“So.” Renjun smoothed out the tape over the flaps of a cardboard box. “How’s the boy?”
Donghyuck rolled his eyes and hugged himself self-consciously.
“He’s good.”
“Yeah?” Renjun sounded sincere.
“ Really good,” Donghyuck leered.
The look on Renjun’s face said he regretted asking. He flipped the box over so the open side was facing up and started stacking books inside it.
“Do you think you’ll come back next summer?”
Donghyuck scrunched his nose up.
“There’s nothing to do. We wouldn’t even be able to get jobs.”
Renjun nodded.
“Yeah I was thinking that too. Hopefully they don’t raise our rent and we can just stay.”
“Yeah,” Donghyuck agreed quietly.
Renjun taped up the top of the box and heaved it over to the mailing counter.
“You know, Mark could stay with us for the summer.”
Donghyuck brightened immediately.
“Really? You’re okay with it?”
Renjun affixed the shipping label to the top corner.
“Yeah, I mean, another person paying rent would help and he can drive.”
Donghyuck smiled.
“You know you could just get your license.”
Renjun leveled him with an innocent stare.
“But why would I do that when I have you to drive me around?”
“Had,” Donghyuck corrected. “Now you’ll have Mark! He’s all yours.”
Renjun smirked.
“I’m gonna tell him you said that.”
Donghyuck bobbed his head.
“Go ahead, he won’t mind, he likes me.”
And Renjun didn’t bother refuting that.
Their last day in town snuck up on them. Mark and Donghyuck headed to the pier.
The sky overhead was overcast and impenetrable, but Donghyuck didn’t mind. The cloud cover made him feel tucked in and safe.
Donghyuck pushed at Mark’s chest to get him to scoot back. Once there was enough space, he settled down between Mark’s bent knees with his back pressed to his chest.
He turned his head so his cheekbone would rest against the junction of Mark’s neck.
He played with a frayed thread dangling off the cuff of Mark’s jeans.
He thanked the higher powers that Mark let him press this close.
Mark flicked a piece of gravel off the pier and lost track of it before it hit the water.
“How’s your brother?” Donghyuck asked mindlessly.
“He’s good, he’s got a job lined up for the summer in some big city out East.”
Donghyuck nodded.
“Sounds like him. And your parents?”
“Good. They’re thinking about moving.”
Donghyuck turned his head.
“Where?”
“I don’t know, somewhere warmer. My Dad wants to retire.”
Donghyuck settled back against Mark’s chest.
“Are they gonna keep your house?”
He felt Mark shrug.
“I don’t know, I don’t really care. I’ll visit them wherever they end up.”
Donghyuck allowed himself a small smile.
He wondered if Mark had any new dreams; if he’d finally found a new fate; one that didn’t end in the sand under the pier.
“Do you want a family Mark?”
To his credit, if he felt any surprise, Mark didn’t let it show.
“Yeah. I think that would be nice.”
“Hm,” Donghyuck hummed in response. “So, like, how many kids are we talking?”
Mark pretended to think about it.
“At least enough for a basketball team. A football team if we’re feeling ambitious.”
We’re, we’re, we’re.
Donghyuck nodded sagely.
“They’d have to be biologically mine though.”
“What? Why?”
“I’m way better at basketball,” Donghyuck stated like this was obvious.
Mark laughed his horrible, rumbly laugh. Donghyuck felt it in his chest.
“Okay, okay.”
Donghyuck shifted around so he was properly sitting in Mark’s lap with his arms hung around Mark’s neck.
He shivered as a strip of skin where his shirt rode up was exposed to the evening air.
Mark wrapped his arms tight around Donghyuck’s waist.
For a moment, time went still.
Donghyuck held on to Mark.
Water rushed through the legs of the pier underneath them and then floated calmly back out to sea.
“I don’t wanna go back to school,” Donghyuck whined.
“You wanna stay here?”
Donghyuck shook his head.
“Fuck no. I just don’t wanna take my Astronomy final.”
Mark chuckled.
“That bad?”
Donghyuck pulled back just to make serious eye contact with Mark.
“Yes.”
Mark gently tucked a stray strand of hair behind Donghyuck’s ear.
His fingertips touched the shell of his earlobe.
“You know I would have thought you’d be pretty good at Astronomy.” A smile appeared on Mark’s lips, like he was anticipating the reaction to the stupid joke he was about to tell. “But I guess you must have hit your head pretty hard when you fell from heaven.”
Donghyuck huffed out a laugh. He poked Mark in the cheek. He tried not to blush.
He heard himself say, “You are so dumb .”
But his heart whispered, he loves me.