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“We have special guests today on Hazy’s Heroes!” said Wyatt into the microphone.
Ilya was busy staring at the comic book posters and paraphernalia Wyatt had scattered around the room to record his audio only show. Harris had suggested he and Shane do some friendly interviews to let the public see them as they were, rather than whatever idiots who didn’t know them tried to make of them in the press. But before Ilya could think maybe Harris was good for more than just finding reasons to bring puppies to work, he suggested going on Wyatt’s podcast, Hazy’s Heroes. When Ilya had pointed out the obvious problems with this plan – he wasn’t a nerd, and this was a stupid idea – Shane had just rolled his eyes and told Harris they’d find time on the schedule.
“They’re hockey legends. They’re superstars. They’re giant pains in my ass. It’s the crossover event you’ve all been waiting for. Please welcome to the podcast Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov!” said Wyatt, gesturing wildly as if he were in front of a stadium full of fans and not sitting at a table in a recording booth.
“It’s a pleasure to be here,” said Shane, waving shyly as though anyone listening would actually be able to see him. What a fucking dork. Ilya loved him so much.
“I am still not sure what I’m doing here,” said Ilya. “Does anyone who listens to this actually watch hockey?”
“Ilya!” Shane hissed, swatting at him with the back of his hand in admonishment.
“What?” asked Ilya defensively. “It is an honest question!”
Shane shook his head. “Ilya’s just cranky because we didn’t put him down for a nap today.”
No, he was cranky because they were running too late to the recording to finish what they had started that morning in the shower. He opened his mouth to respond, but Shane slapped his hand over it with a murmured “Don’t you dare.”
His husband was smarter than he looked.
They both glanced back at Wyatt to find him grinning. “Y’all can’t see this,” he said into the microphone, directing his comment to all of the people listening to them in the future, (and it sort of fucked with Ilya’s head the way Hayes incorporated the people listening to them in the future into their conversation. Were they having a conversation across time?), “but there is some extremely cute couple shit going on here already.”
“Wyatt thinks it is extremely cute when my husband hits me,” Ilya told the future people in faux seriousness, having liberated his mouth from behind Shane’s hand. “You should take that piece of insight into his mind and ask yourselves if this is a man you want to listen to every week. Or however often.”
“Unbelievable,” said Shane without any real heat. “Not even 30 seconds in.”
“What? You do not find yourself worried about what kind of person willingly listens to Hazy as he… what is the word?” Ilya twirled his hand around his head as if the word was floating in the air for him to catch.
“I’m not helping you,” said Shane.
“Blather!” he said in triumph. His coach had used it to describe a call with the Commissioner and he felt rather betrayed that such a fun English word had been kept from him all this time. “Blathers on about nothing for an hour whenever the mood strikes?”
“This might be a new record,” said Shane dryly. “Insulting our host and the entire listening audience less than a minute into an interview.”
Hazy just laughed, interrupting their bickering. “If anyone wanted to know what locker room talk is actually like,” he told the future people, “it’s pretty much this. Tossing around insults like it’s our love language and slapping each other on the back to show we care.”
Ilya frowned. Harris had a lot of thoughts about masculinity and non-violent physical affection. He used a bunch of words that refused to stick into Ilya’s brain, but he knew the broad outline. “Sometimes we hug, too,” he felt compelled to add.
Wyatt grinned at him. “Yeah, but that’s because our team actually likes each other. You know, I was just-” He trailed off when Harris gestured wildly at him from the big window outside of their recording booth for him to get on with it. “Right. My producer’s telling me we’re getting distracted! To answer your question, Ilya, there is a huge overlap between comics fandom and hockey fandom, as all of my loyal Hazers will know!”
Shane rolled his lips together to hold in a laugh. Ilya was not so restrained. “Your what?” he asked flatly.
“Hazers,” said Wyatt, as though repeating it made it any better. “Listeners to Hazy’s Heroes.”
“That is a terrible name,” said Ilya, looking to Shane for backup. His husband was useless, however, just sitting there trying and failing to hold in his laugh. “Listen,” he told the future people, “you cannot call yourselves Hazers.”
“We’re still workshopping the name,” Wyatt admitted.
“Keep workshopping.”
“Ilya,” said Shane in admonishment, covering his eyes in exasperation, which seemed unfair to Ilya. He wasn’t the one going around calling people Hazers. “It does seem like it would present some problems for merch,” Shane told Wyatt.
Ha! So there.
Hazy winced. “I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”
“You need to talk to Harris more,” Ilya informed him.
“For those of you who don’t know,” Wyatt said into the microphone because he was, Ilya was reluctant to admit, actually pretty good at this hosting thing, “Harris is the Ottawa Centaurs Director of Communications and the man we can thank for getting our guests on the pod today.”
“So he’s the one you should complain to about anything Ilya says today, not me,” said Shane.
“I’m a fucking delight,” said Ilya in indignation.
“Alright, you fucking delight, let’s get started,” said Wyatt. “Ilya, we’ll start simple. Who’s your favorite superhero?”
“Black Widow, obviously,” said Ilya.
“Would you like to tell our audience why it should be so obvious?” asked Wyatt as Shane huffed out a laugh.
“She is a good Russian hero. Sexy. Deadly. Everything a woman should be. Plus, she defects to America because the Russian government sucks. Good head on her shoulders.”
Wyatt frowned. “I’m not sure we’re supposed to sit here as three men describing what ‘every woman should be.’”
Ilya shrugged. “Is what every man should be too. Deadly. Sexy. Russian.”
“He’s so humble and shy. It’s hard to get him out of his shell,” Shane said dryly.
Wyatt snorted and turned to Shane. “Please don’t tell me he has a black bodysuit hidden away somewhere in the house. I’d need to bleach my brain.
Ilya grinned as Shane blushed furiously, clearly imagining it. “He wishes.”
“No, I don’t!” said Shane, his voice a little higher than usual as his face went even redder.
“I would look good in a black bodysuit I think,” said Ilya, enjoying watching Shane try to act normal, like his face was not about to explode.
“Well, that’s a comment that’s going to launch a thousand fan artists. Please, listeners, I beg you. Do not send them to me. What about you?” Wyatt asked Shane.
“This is a hard one for me,” said Shane seriously, as if the answer to this question actually mattered. “I have one, but I’m not sure it’s such a good fit.”
“Lay it on me,” said Wyatt.
“I was thinking Steve Rogers. You know, Captain America.”
“You are such a Steve,” said Wyatt.
Ilya had to agree. Boring. Pretty. Uncanny ability to win over hot Russians.
“But I’m Canadian, so it feels wrong to say,” said Shane.
“Well, there is a Captain Canada,” said Wyatt. “A few versions, actually. But I think Steve fits better for you.”
“I’m also half-Japanese,” said Shane. “And he’s sort of the traditional blonde haired, blue eyed guy.” Ilya rolled his eyes at just how hard Shane thought about this stupid question.
Wyatt gestured towards Ilya. “He’s not a redheaded woman in a catsuit, but he still chose Natasha Romanov. Steve Rogers is for everyone.”
Wait a minute. “No fair!” Ilya protested. “You asked me which superhero was my favorite, not which one I think I am most like!”
Hayes looked gleeful that Ilya was invested enough to weigh in. “You’re right, Roz. My bad. Which superhero do you identify with the most?”
“Black Widow,” said Ilya immediately with a firm nod. Shane rolled his eyes and Wyatt snorted.
“You know, I’ve always seen you as kind of a Bucky,” said Wyatt.
Ilya frowned. He was pretty sure he didn’t want to be associated with anyone called Bucky. “I don’t know what that is.”
He didn’t like how Shane was grinning, but all his husband said was “He’s also deadly, sexy, and Russian.”
Maybe it was not so bad then.
“And tragically misunderstood,” said Wyatt, so earnestly he had to be faking it.
“He has a stupid name,” said Ilya.
“If it helps, he’s also known as the Winter Soldier,” said Wyatt.
“Yes, that is a much better name,” said Ilya. Then something occurred to him. “Wait, do you mean the guy with the metal arm who kills a bunch of people?”
“It’s not his fault!” said Wyatt, taking a deep breath, clearly gearing up for a long and boring rant. “He was a victim! He-”
“In that movie with the sexy cat man?” Ilya cut in. Body suits were hot on any gender, thank you very much. He frowned again, trying to remember that movie. “The man who goes on a mindless killing rampage when you say the wrong words to him?”
“It was mind control!” said Wyatt, bizarrely defensive of a fake metal armed guy. “Besides, you have pretty much the same reaction whenever someone says the words ‘Montreal Voyageurs' to you.”
Shane laughed at that way harder than was necessary, Ilya thought.
“He fought with Steve in World War II,” said Wyatt as though that made anything better.
“So, he is extremely old metal armed killer?” asked Ilya in disapproval. He shook his head. “I think I am Black Widow.”
“She kills people too,” Shane put in.
“Yes, but she does it with style,” Ilya said with a wink.
“Yeah, but the Winter Soldier is a total badass. Wait!” said Wyatt as something suddenly occurred to him. “You totally know who Bucky is! We watched The Winter Soldier with the team last year!”
Ilya rolled his eyes. As if he paid attention. He had probably been texting Shane the whole time.
“He was against it, but it was my turn to pick the movie,” Wyatt told Shane. “He said ‘I do not want to watch your American anti-Russian propaganda, Hayes.’”
Ilya frowned. “I think I am offended by your accent. You sound like a James Bond villain.”
“I remember that!” said Shane as if Ilya hadn’t spoken. “He texted me at the end saying ‘It was not so bad. My favorite part was when we learned the Americans were secretly evil all along.’” His Russian accent belonged in a cartoon about a moose and squirrel.
“I do not talk like that,” said Ilya as Wyatt laughed his stupid head off.
“Bucky wasn’t really Russian though,” said Wyatt when he got ahold of himself. “The Russians took him, but he was really American.”
“Of course not,” said Ilya. “His name was Bucky.”
“Ilya’s really Canadian now, though,” Shane pointed out. “Got his citizenship and everything.”
“Just a few months ago,” Ilya proudly told the future people. “Maybe I am this Captain Canada.”
Wyatt chuckled. “The current one is based out of Ottawa. But he’s also part cyborg. His skin is metal.”
Ilya wrinkled his nose. “Metal skin is not sexy. Brainwashed is not sexy. I am clearly the Black Widow.”
“I don’t know,” said Shane, looking at him fondly. “There’s something sweet about comparing us to Steve and Bucky. They started out together, then were ripped apart, only to finally make their way back to each other against all odds. And look at us. Playing on the same side in Ottawa, finally together after being apart for so long and overcoming so much. We never could have imagined this when we started together as rookies.”
Ilya cleared his throat a few times. He wasn’t affected by this stupid conversation about fucking comic books or anything. His throat was just dry. And he took Shane’s hand because Shane was his husband and he wanted to, thank you very much. Wyatt could put his knowing smile away.
“Yeah, you too were frozen in time, legally considered dead for decades, and beholden to rival governments,” Wyatt drawled.
Way to ruin the fucking mood, Hazy.
“This Bucky and Steve. They are together?” Ilya asked.
Wyatt choked on, as far as Ilya could tell, air. Or his own spit. Gross. “You have no idea what you just stumbled into with that question, Roz.”
Ilya blinked at him in confusion. “What?”
Wyatt cleared his throat. “The movies and comics don’t say as much, but uh… a lot of fans think so, yeah. Bucky did break through 70 years of brainwashing for Steve. Also Steve tells 117 countries to go fuck themselves for Bucky. Sort of.”
Shane was looking at Ilya all sappy, like he’d happily tell 117 countries to go fuck themselves for him and this was a stupid conversation anyway. Who gave a fuck? He’d rather have Shane looking at him all sweet and melty like that.
“This Bucky. He is sexy?” said Ilya, just to be sure.
Shane and Wyatt laughed at his priorities, but answered him anyway. “Definitely,” Shane confirmed, a little more vehemently than was strictly necessary. Ilya made a mental note to look up what actor played this Bucky.
“In the movies, he was actually the ladies’ man while Steve was hopelessly awkward,” Wyatt put in helpfully.
Well. That sounded okay then. “Yes, fine, okay,” said Ilya. “That sounds right. Shane is Steve – boring, pretty, awkward, and good – and I am Bucky. Sexy, deadly, and Russian.” Shane and Wyatt exchanged a glance that he couldn’t quite interpret and wasn’t sure he liked.
“Well, there you have it,” said Wyatt, grinning ear to ear. “As we wrap up this week’s episode, we have our final answer. Shane is our Steve Rogers, hero of World War II, leader of the Howling Commandos, and Ilya is his trusty sidekick, Bucky Barnes!”
Wait a minute. “What?!”
Wyatt tried to wrap up over the sound of Shane howling with laughter and Ilya tried to figure out what just happened.
“Sidekick?”
“That’s all we have time for. Thank you so much for joining us,” said Wyatt.
“I did not agree to this!” Ilya shouted, trying to be heard over Shane’s belly laughs. Shane the traitor.
“Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov. Or as they will forever be known on this podcast-“
“Black Widow!” Ilya tried to say over him.
“Steve Rogers and his trusty sidekick Bucky Barnes! Any last words?” asked Wyatt, grinning like an asshole.
“Thank you for having us, Wyatt,” said Shane, the laughter still in his voice. “We had a great time.”
“I hate you both,” said Ilya. “Comics are stupid.”
“See you next time on Hazy’s Heroes!”