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Collei would like to say that the claws digging into her insides were sharp, piercing. Cleanly tearing open tissue and digging a hollow on the inside of her ribcage, before leaving straight for her head, splitting her brain into two.
But they weren't.
They were dull, catching onto every piece of muscle, stretching out the organ before managing to rip only a part of it off. Blunt and rough, heavy and invisible, burning like blue fire, washing away any relief that came with peace. A harsh reminder of who Collei actually was, of-
"What are you doing out so late at night?"
She couldn't open her mouth to reply, only staring at Cyno's amber eyes as he looked at her from below. Still in work clothes, spear shining in the moonlight that passed through the thick overhead trees. If she strained, she could see tiny specks of electro fading away from his body, like he just came from a fight.
Collei turned her head away, choosing instead to inspect the wooden ground beneath her, tracing the lines with her index finger. Her tongue pressed hard against her canines, forcing the ache in her whole body to subside. Well, it wasn't an ache, not to Collei.
It was an overwhelming agony caused by power pushing against her frame from the inside. Like a bonfire burning bright within all her blood vessels. Her heart pumping it mostly to her lungs and behind her eyes. For a while, she believed her blood was tainted by something, something that caused her that constant pain. But blood doesn't just get randomly distributed throughout the body, the medical books said so, in the end, it was all in Collei's head.
But it couldn't be.
Not when the tremors in her hands won't stop, not when every breath is filled with pins scraping down her throat, not when her knees sometimes just give up and make her collapse. Not when the voice whispers in her ear about everything she should do, everything she had done.
"You look troubled." It feels cruel to even think, but Collei doesn't want Cyno here. Not in this moment, not when her past is threatening to become her present the loudest. She doesn't need yet another reminder next to her. "Is there a reason why Tighnari isn't with you?"
Yes, she wants to say, Because he doesn't need to be around me every moment of every day. I don't need eyes on me at all times, I don't need people to pry into my feelings and say they understand them better than I do. I don't need him to try and explain to me why I am the way I am, when he barely even knows what happened. I can handle myself.
But she doesn't say anything. She doesn't even think about the fact that that isn't the exact reason why Tighnari isn't next to her tonight. She doesn't think about the fact that there's multiple truths she could tell Cyno, and all of them would hurt. And she doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore.
"Okay," he says, like it's that easy. He sits down next to Collei, dangling his feet as he took in the fresh forest air. "Do you want company?" She doesn't, but she still can't open her mouth to talk. She just places her hands in her lap and starts playing with her fingers to calm down, biting her lip to quill the anger boiling in her. Cyno takes this as a yes.
Collei expects him to talk, fill the air with tales of his work, his co-workers, or maybe even to catch Collei up with what Kaveh and Alhaitham are up to. He doesn't do that. Instead, he very softly hums as he brings one knee up to rest his chin on.
Somehow, this way, his presence rings way louder, and Collei has to bite her lip in an attempt to silence the screaming within her (not all of it her own). For a moment, she wishes she had her bow on herself, but a second after dismisses that thought. She flexes her fingers to make that itch for the familiar shape to settle in them disappear.
She quietly takes a couple of deep breaths, closing her eyes as the pain travels to her neck. Pulsating, off-beat from her heartbeat, and that somehow makes it even more noticeable, more agonising. She tries to swallow, but her mouth is dry.
Collei tilts her head up as she opens her eyes to gaze at the sky. The stars twinkling like they know, and they are laughing at her. Like Celestia is directly watching her struggle and snickering as It awaits her next move. Oh... Collei thinks, Celestia, tell me why am I your favourite?
She opens her mouth, as if she really wants to say it, but all that comes out is a nigh-silent whine. Cyno's eyes flick towards her. He doesn't stop humming, but he does push his polearm slightly away from both of them.
"Don't..." Collei says, voice coarse and way too quiet. She doesn't know how she wanted to end that sentence, multiple thoughts ran through her head. Whichever came out would be what she stuck with, except that none could come out. Her mouth once again forced shut.
"Shhh..." Cyno whispered in-between his humming. "It'll go away soon." And he closed his eyes as he rested further onto his knee. Collei hiccups, clutching at the collar of her dress. She can hear her blood gushing in her ears, and a very specific pin pricking at her neck.
She ran her fingers over the slight bump on her neck. The scarring from that needle, or whatever it even was, improperly healed from all her clawing on it. It's just slight discoloration in that tiny area, but to her, it's very noticeable.
Collei bit down hard on her tongue. Swallowing her metal-tasting blood and forcing it to satiate her urges. Her nails dug into that little scar tissue on her neck, intent on drawing even more blood, but gentle yet calloused fingers wrapped around her wrist and stopped her.
"Don't feed it," Cyno whispered, suddenly fully on his knees beside Collei, warmth radiating off of his body. "All it ever does is ask for more. Don't let it overtake you, let it starve," whispered the General Mahamatra, tone so sinister, Collei could barely recognise it.
She quickly realised how blurry her vision actually was, sending her into more panic. Her blood caught in her throat, forcing her into a coughing fit. Cyno ran his hand up and down one of her arms, offering hesitant comfort.
Her fears clashed with one another, along with the pain which clouded her mind, mixed in with the need that the God power in her demanded be carried out. Reality felt like a distant dream, a memory tangled in yearning and grief.
And yet she reached out for once.
She collapsed entirely into Cyno, unable to even hold her body weight. He was caught slightly off guard, but quickly composed himself and hugged her close. He placed his head on hers, fully engulfing her like a little ball of protection.
It was comforting, in some sick, twisted way, to have Cyno, fully alert and armed, his vision out of Collei's immediate grasp, essentially trapping her like this. A person very much capable of killing her, neutralising the threat swiftly, and ensuring minimal damage will be caused to anyone else.
Yes, the tiny specks of electro passing along Collei's skin brought her comfort. Knowing that all Cyno had to do was redirect just a little more electro to his fingertips, and she'd be knocked out. Some more electro than that, and her heart would give out.
"Breathe," he reminded her, but she barely could. She wanted to tell him how the claws around her throat won't loosen their grip, but instead she clutched at his shoulder and hair, hiding her face in his neck and she counted.
He whispered reassurances, ran his hand up and down Collei's back, counted out loud for her to help her not mess up, and exaggerated his breathing to help too. Eventually, his voice faded into white noise, as Collei only followed the instructions, not noticing the effect at all.
She wants to be like Tighnari, she suddenly thinks. Helping out people, being so knowledgeable, and having the ability to save someone's life. That's why she wants to become a doctor. A way to atone for all of the hurt she inflicted
But then she tastes the blood on her tongue again and thinks she wants to be like Cyno. Tracking down criminals and possibly murdering them. Satiate her bloodlust under the guise of heroism. Even while giving up her wellbeing for others, she still needs to be selfish
A pleasant scent brings her out of her thoughts once more. "There you go. Oh, no, you need to relax more, you're too tense. Yes, like that. No, no, keep breathing, don't stop." She clings closer to Cyno, her grip tightening. Another pair of hands reaches for her, and she cries out for Cyno, pressing impossibly closer.
"Hey, hey, it's just me." The other voice says again, allowing Collei to gasp out, getting some air. Cyno hugs her tighter, lips hovering over her forehead. "Just like that, breathe." Tighnari. Despite everything, she had to bother him again.
His hand reaches out again, resting against her cheek, wiping away the tears which she didn't even realise she shed. "Feeling better?" Asked Cyno, and Collei could only weakly nod, half-lying. At least the pains in her body subsided... partly.
"How...?"
"Hermanubis has lived in me since my early childhood, remember? I know what it's like for it to be overwhelming. Those thoughts of slaughter are from the God power, not from you." She shook her head. No, they were so powerful and vivid, they had to be hers.
Tighnari reached out and placed one of his little contraptions in her hand. The ball was emitting a pleasant smell, lavender, Collei would guess. "To calm you down and help you sleep." He simply said, not even batting an eye towards what Cyno just said. Collei brought it closer to her nose.
Cyno's fingers pressed against that scar on her neck. She flinched, feeling flames beneath his fingertips, like her flesh was melting off and the only thing left in tact were her nerves. "That God is sealed away. Its influence may still linger, but I'll teach you how to silence it," Cyno said, pulling his hand away, much to Collei's relief.
"I'm sorry," She mumbled, her tongue too numb to form anything more, even though there was so much more she wanted to say than a mere apology.
"Shhh..." whispered Tighnari. "You should sleep. We can all talk about it tomorrow, okay?" And she only got a chance to nod, before closing her eyes and letting herself rest against Cyno, feeling safe.
"Does she usually call you 'papa' when I'm not around?" Cyno's voice was almost meek in a way, busy with focusing on keeping Collei comfortable as he ran his fingers through her hair, taking off her accessories gently.
"No. I don't even think she's aware that she calls for us like that whenever she's that deep into a panic attack," Tighnari replied with both fondness and melancholy. Beyond happy to be viewed as a father, but sad for this girl, his girl, who calls for him only in the worst of her panic.
"She called for me before?" Tighnari wasn't aware the general's voice was capable of such softness. He watched as Cyno leaned down and pressed a kiss to Collei's forehead before looking him in the eye to answer.
"Whenever she's that scared, she just wants her dad."
They both pretend that Cyno's eyes didn't gloss over in tears at the relevation of exactly what he means to the girl in his arms.
Dad.