Work Text:
Ignignokt hated himself.
He hated himself for having such inane feelings. He hated himself for telling Err how he felt. He could've kept it to himself forever, the way he'd been keeping it for years. He never told anyone he was gay. He especially hated that part of himself. Ever since he had discovered he was gay, he tried to keep it hidden, tried to 'cure' himself, tried to push it away for as long as he could. Eventually, he reluctantly accepted he would never change. That part of him would always be tied to him, and he would never escape it. And of course, he just had to develop a crush on his best friend. His straight best friend, who would never love him back. Not in the way Ignignokt wanted him to.
He stared at his reflection in his phone.
He almost couldn't recognize himself.
He sat on the old couch in his apartment he had once shared with Err. The small living room was dark, save for the small amount of light peeking through the worn, stained curtains. There were beer cans littered around the sofa, empty takeout boxes on the coffee table, and the ashtray on the coffee table had long been filled, almost overflowing. There were empty packets of different drugs everywhere, the contents long gone. A few empty prescription bottles on the floor as well.
The phone screen lit up, a call coming in. Ignignokt stared at it, blinking a few times before tapping to accept the call and putting the phone up to his ear.
A high-pitched voice came through from the other side.
"I have ten missed calls from you. What don't you get about 'leave me the fuck alone'?"
Ignignokt couldn't bring himself to speak.
"Are you gonna say anything?"
He just couldn't get the lump out of his throat.
"I should've just kept your dumbass blocked."
"Err, I'm sorry."
Silence.
"I miss you so bad," Ignignokt stifled a sob, trying not to let his emotions get the best of him. He wasn't supposed to show weakness like this.
"We haven't ever been apart for this long before. Please come back. Can't we just talk about this?"
"We already talked. When you told me."
Ignignokt sat back on the couch, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling. "Err, please,"
There was some movement on the other end.
"What could I have done to upset you this much?"
"You know exactly what you did, man." Err's voice was shaky as he spoke.
"...You know I can't control how I feel, Err."
"You should've never told me then."
Ignignokt bit his cheek in an attempt to hold back his tears.
"Really, what did you expect?"
Ignignokt couldn't answer that.
"I just can't look at you the same way. Knowing how you think of me."
Ignignokt shut his eyes tightly. "Yeah. I get that."
There was a long silence between the two of them, only the occasional breath from Err coming through. Ignignokt thought back to three weeks ago, when he had mistakenly thought Err was trying to make a move on him, when in actuality he was just making a 'joke'. A joke that Ignignokt had taken seriously, and made a very wrong move in response. A move that rewarded him with a shove to the ground and a kick in the gut, plus a few slurs spat at his face. A move that had cost him his only friend. He wouldn't ever be able to forget the look on Errs face when Ignignokt told him his feelings. He thought back to how obvious it was, and how idiotic he was for having taken Err seriously.
Even when Err had messily packed his things and left, Ignignokt still hoped he was somehow dreaming and would soon wake up from this nightmare. When he couldn't lie to himself anymore, he moved on to hoping Err would turn around and realize he was wrong. That he did have feelings for Ignignokt. Or that he just couldn't throw away the only thing he had known for years over a small hiccup. That he would refuse to let this ruin everything the two of them had built together.
Ignignokt knew deep down that all of that hoping was useless. He would never be able to get back what he had stupidly thrown away. Still, he constantly called Err, even after Err had blocked his number. Ignignokt didn't want to let go yet. He didn't want to ever let go.
He would keep his feelings hidden. He wouldn't sit too close to Err, he wouldn't hug him, he would keep his distance. He would stay as far away as Err wanted him to. He would do anything Err wanted. He just didn't want to lose Err. Not yet. He couldn't.
Ignignokt didn't even know what he would do without Err. How he would live. He wasn't doing much living with him as it was. He couldn't remember what life even was before Err. His whole world was Err, ever since they had met in juvie.
He heard Err take a deep breath through the phone.
"...Look, I can't do this."
Ignignokt's eyes shot open. "What?"
"I can't ever look at you the same. I'm sorry man, but this is it."
"What-- Err, please, don't do this-- I'll do anything, Err. I can fix this."
"You said it yourself. You can't control how you feel."
"Err, don't do this."
The hang up tone played just as Ignignokt began to cry.
He threw his phone across the room, making a cracking sound as the screen shattered and the phone broke. He leant forward and put his head in his hands as he sobbed. He had truly lost everything. To him, a life without Err wasn't a life worth living. He was nothing without Err. There was nothing left for him. It's not like he has anyone to go to; his uncle wasn't nearly competent enough to even comfort him or help him.
Why couldn't things have gone the way he had wanted them to?
He always got what he wanted, one way or another.
Was it so bad for him to want a happy ending this time?
Maybe this is karma for all the awful things he's done over the years. It all finally caught up with him.
The living room was dark and quiet, save for Ignignokt's sobs.