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It wasn't that he didn't like his profession. On most days it was fulfilling work, it really was. Being able to answer to those in need, be a figure of support to millions of people, to be something and someone connected only to positive things, and mainly, connected to love?
He did like his job, and yet, he wasn’t necessarily very good at it.
He had quite a big share of travel days each year, and those were the ones he enjoyed most of all throughout the work year. Of course, his brothers and sisters traveled far more often than him, but he was happy with the few missions he got. The problem was, he got carried away easily. Could you blame him? Earth, with its billions of people, and billions of years in existence; such a diverse history, and so many things to observe and study?
He had been accused of forgetting about his missions sometimes, often getting distracted or caught up in things he shouldn’t have anything to do with. He knew it. He worked on it. He did really do his best. The Earth Walks made the whole ‘angel-business’ worth it, in his opinion anyway (he knew there were some who could gladly do without it). They would be given a mission, a place, and a fair amount of time to study and prepare before traveling to earth to complete their job. The Earth Walks was all about blending in, helping out, and spreading the good word. Such a shame he wouldn't be experiencing those for quite some time now.
Like about a million years.
Thing was, he had made a mistake.
'So?' You might say, 'Everyone makes mistakes!'.
Wrong. People makes mistakes. Angels don't. And he? He had made a capital M, dead serious, majestically dumb mistake, and now he suffered the consequences. He was placed on night shift call duty, indefinitely, and he was to assist administration with the registration of new residents, as well as the archiving their respective documents. This work was endless, and the paperwork? A weapon of otherworldly torture.
It had all started with his last visit to the Earth. His assignment was to travel around the island area popularly called 'Great Britain' by humans, answering prayers and helping those in need. He hadn't been there long before he started feeling really at home. He even managed to get some of the slang down, too.
Sure, humans were chaotic, sometimes helpless and hopeless, but Eggsy liked them and liked being a part of their world. Truth be told, he found it exotic, for the lack of a better word. He had travelled to the Earth before, but the last time was around 250 human years ago, and things had certainly taken an interesting turn since then.
All through his years living in Heaven he’d been fascinated by the history of humans, their culture, and way of life. It was interesting to him that so many people had such strong faith, but kept fighting each other over it and who had the ”right” faith. He wished he could somehow tell them it did not matter, as God was not one, but all. Though some things they couldn’t interfere with; all humans would see truth on their day of death. The ones with faith, the ones without faith but with a hope of something more, the ones who would call upon God before their last breath; They were all given entry to Heaven.
The majority of the rest, he had assumed, would find their way down in Hell.
He was a young angel, only been around for twenty thousand years, and his career as an EW had just recently begun. He had been on EW missions two times earlier, the first in Kyoto during the Japanese Edo period, and the second time had been in France during what humankind referred to as ”The French Revolution” (but he had been in Bretagne, not Paris).
It was his third EW mission that had landed him in trouble, and thus he now sat day in and day out hunkered over a desk in a cubicle, stamping documents and shredding paper, answering calls during the night shift. It was epically boring, and he was fairly certain he was starting to go crazy. He had already tried stabbing himself with the letter opener just last week, but he discovered that angels were sturdy beings, and in the end the ordeal only left him with a tiny, pink scar above his vessel’s left nipple. So now it looked like he had two. Awkward.
While in the midst of correcting typos, Eggsy sensed someone approaching and looked up just in time to see his brother and colleague, Jamal, dump another few kilograms of documents onto his desk.
“New arrivals, brother. Hope your ink has yet to dry, as Peter told me there also were a couple of mistakes in the admission documents today.”
“Bruv, tell the old Saint to go fuck himself, I’m tired of fixing his horrible grammar.”
Jamal sucked in breath and shook his head, levelling Eggsy with an exasperated expression.
“Extiel, our EW is over. Please refrain from using humanspeak to me, brother.” Jamal said, with heavy emphasis on the last word to get his point across. “It is time to get back to work, and for you to repent for your appalling sin and ask our Father’s forgiveness when you are ready.”
Eggsy let his forehead smack down onto the stack of paper with a pained sigh.
“I’m ready to ask, but they will not allow me to stand before him yet. They say I have more work left, with myself, with my faith, and with…well, this.” He mumbled, and slammed his head down onto the stack of paper a second time.
“If they say so, it must be true. You must forget what you experienced during our Walk, Extiel. Do not let the words of his kind lure you into thinking that he is good. His tongue is twisted, and his words are too. Don’t let yourself be mislead by this horrendous mistake, brother.” Jamal patted Eggsy’s shoulder.
“Good work, brother,” he said and left.
“Good work, bruv..,” Eggsy sighed and sat up to start on the new batch of admission papers.
Jamal’s words were echoing around in his mind as he worked. The words ‘mistake’, ‘horrendous’, ‘sin’, and ‘appalling’ was sharp and nearly piercing, feeling searing hot and not one bit less dangerous today than that day. His mind started to wander, and quite soon his eyes fell shut as he started to think about his forbidden encounter. His thoughts were rudely interrupted by the sharp sound of the telephone ringing. He came back to where he was, still in the tiny cubicle in front of his tiny desk with a gigantic amount of papers littering its surface. The document he had started on earlier had about a hundred green ‘Approved’ stamps on it. Time to call it a day, he thought, turned out the light and ignored the phone before he zapped back to his sleeping quarters. Contrary to popular belief, angels did in fact need rest.
And as he lay there, his mind wandered again. All the way from the high heavens and back down to a small bar in south London…
**
He just finished a glass of water, feeling the strange sensation of liquid gliding, slithering down his throat. The last time he drank something was during his Walk in France. He sat the glass down on the counter with a satisfied smile, but was cautious enough not to attract too much attention to himself.
The feeling never got old. He couldn’t wait to get his hand on another edible product; he’d had pizza, hamburger, dim sum, sushi, burrito, crêpes, fish and chips, spaghetti and meatballs, moules, smoked trout, oysters, oatmeal, ribs, salads, mushroom stew, onion soup, and lots more, all during the course of the first week, and he wasn’t anywhere near stopping just yet. He wanted to taste as much as he could, and experience as much of human life as he could, during his stay. It did not matter to him how interesting and intricate the history of humankind was; in the end, what he really cared about the most, was the food and the drinks. In Heaven, only the Souls ate, but only if they wanted to. God had allowed the Souls this, as it was something they remembered and connected to their earlier life on Earth. The angels, however, did not need, nor really desire, food or drink. The only times an angel tasted it was during their EWs.
All the while thinking about all of earth’s most tasty delicacies, he felt another strange sensation; it was as if he was being observed. And sure enough, one quick glance around the bar confirmed his suspicion. Two men were staring right at him from across the room. One tall, bald, with strong, piercing eyes, and a face that looked as if it was cut right out from stone. And the other one was…divine.
He couldn’t take his eyes off him, and didn’t until the man in question actually lowered his head and smirked, before winking playfully at him.
Flustered, shocked, and a little bit scared, Eggsy tore his eyes away and started praying in silence. He had felt…something. Something new. It scared him. Praying would help. Oh, dear Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy Name-
“Do you mind if I have a seat?”
That voice sounded like sin and salvation.
Eggsy opened his eyes to see the beautiful man sit down beside him, signalling something to the barkeeper. The feeling of fear should probably still be there somewhere, but right now it seemed as if it had been temporarily replaced by an all-consuming feeling of desire. He couldn’t fully grasp it. Never in his existence had he ever felt like this, and if he truly knew his bible verses (he did), he also knew that desire led to sin, and in time, sin led to Hell.
He shuddered and closed his eyes again.
Lead us not into temptation, lead us not into temptation, lead us not into temptation.
“Are you quite alright,” the voice said, and the man put a hand on Eggsy’s back before finishing his question. “Angel?”
Eggsy’s eyes flew open and he stared intensely at the man, bewildered at first, and then ashamed by his sudden alarm. Of course, the term ‘angel’ was one humans sometimes used when talking to each other in a seducing manner, or when talking to their loved ones. How could he have forgotten? Embarrassing.
“I’m good, yeah,” he replied just as a drink was placed in front of him.
“I took the liberty, I hope you don’t mind a Martini?”
“Thanks, mate,” he quipped, trying to sound as relaxed as he could, and took a sip.
Martini. It had the same look as water, and drinking it was like drinking water, but it did not taste like water.
“So, are you here by yourself?” the man asked, and Eggsy could swear, if that was something he normally did, his voice sounded rougher.
“Yeah.”
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to keep the conversation going, but he was treading on dangerous ground here. It was important not to forget his mission, and being seduced in bars drinking Martinis with gorgeous human men was definitely not a part of his mission.
“Do you want to join me somewhere a little more private?”
If possible, his voice was even lower than earlier, and it didn’t take a genius to guess what the man was after. The thought made Eggsy feel strange and a tiny bit dizzy, and suddenly the room of his vessel’s body seemed all too constricting. Angels didn’t just…fornicate around with whomever needed it. In fact, there was considerably little fornication going on in any angel’s life, as it was something they, like food and drink, did not have the urge to consume.
Which made this situation all the more bizarre, as Eggsy was fairly certain he was experiencing what he had learned in his “Human study: Language, linguistics and slang in the 21st century” to be a ‘hard-on’. It felt like his vessel was about to burst, both figuratively and literally.
“W-what about your companion?” he managed to stutter forth, and the other man raked his eyes over him while smiling wickedly, like he was hungry and Eggsy was an ‘All you can eat’-buffet.
“He had something to attend to.”
“I didn’t see him leave.”
“He can be a very discreet gentleman.”
“Are you?”
“A gentleman? Always. But discreet?”
He snapped his fingers, and all movement around them came to a complete halt. (In hindsight, this should have set an alarm off for Eggsy. Humans didn't just go around freezing time. Imagine the chaos if they could.) He stroked Eggsy's arm and pulled his chair closer to his with a sharp tug.
“Hardly. I would like to do things with you.”
“What kind of things?”
His hand slipped onto Eggsy's, thumb rubbing his skin in a slow, feather-light manner. The man's eyes were so beautiful and intense, yet kind, and Eggsy felt as if he couldn't take his eyes away. He was bound in his stare, like he was in turn searching Eggsy's eyes for something. After a while, he hummed with a small smile. It seemed like he had found it.
“You have never experienced a kiss.”
“How can you tell?” Eggsy asked, voice down to a whisper though no-one was listening.
The man had his hand on Eggsy's cheek, carefully caressing it while smiling, and looking at Eggsy with devotion and love.
“Instinct, my dear boy.”
The praise rang through his whole being, with a vibrant, warm thrum. Who was this man?
Eggsy felt warm and slightly more dizzy, and his eyes kept darting from the man's eyes to his lips, all the while wetting his own without being aware of it. The man spoke again, voice smooth and optimistic.
“Would you like to be kissed?”
And lead us not into temptation, lead us not into temptation, lead us not into temptation.
“Yes.”
It came out a sigh, and not a second later Eggsy found the warm lips of the other man on his own. Never before had he felt truly and wholly with such intensity, with such clarity. Like the world around him was storming, and he was in the centre of it.
The man held him close, one arm around his waist, and a hand delicately caressing his jaw. They deepened the kiss, and the warm, loving feeling quickly transformed into one of heat and desire.
Desire leads to sin, and sin leads to Hell.
Eggsy was gripping the lapels of the man's jacket tight, couldn't get close enough, couldn't get enough. He only now registered that he had crawled into the other man's lap, now straddling him and was eagerly pressing his human form against the older gentleman’s body. Had he been carried away? Overstepped his own judgement? Was this considered acceptable behaviour while on an Earth Walk? Was he helping those in need?
A dark feeling of guilt threatened to crush the growing desire which spread throughout him, and he knew he had to put an end to the madness before it whisked him off to places dangerous and unknown. He reluctantly managed to push a few inches of space between them.
“I can't,” he whispered, letting his head rest against the older man’s clean-shaven jaw.
“Of course you can.”
Eggsy wanted to agree with him. He wanted to let himself be swept away, wanted to feel more.
“No,” he muttered, still grinding slowly against the warm body under him.
Eggsy nudged the other man's face to the side, and kissed the veins on his neck while slowly shaking his head. “No,” he sighed again.
“Yes,” the man lured, voice warm and sweet, and so full of promises.
Eggsy wanted to.
“Nngh,” he moaned and shook his head firmly, still grinding down on him.
He wanted to, he wanted to.
“Please, angel,” the man growled, a firm grip locked around Eggsy’s waist, and held him in place and pressed him down onto his crotch.
Wanted to...
“I need you.”
...sin.
Unable to contain all he suddenly felt, he moaned and latched onto the other man’s lips again, tongue lapping over the warm mouth, only hot breaths and sighs exchanged between them. Eggsy kissed, licked, and suckled his way down the man’s throat, tore open the idiotic shirt that was in the way, and continued down his chest, biting and panting. Eggsy had slid down to the floor now, hands clawing into well-pressed trousers, head resting against the older man’s thigh. A finger was suddenly there under his chin, lifting his head up slightly. The older man’s eyes were so alive, so intense and full of intent, as they looked down into his.
“Are you not supposed to help those in need?” the man asked, his voice much more strict and authoritarian now than before.
Eggsy swallowed and wet his lips.
“Are you in need, my friend?”
“I am.”
“Do you need help to see your solution?”
“I do.”
“Then tell me how I can help you.”
“Service me.”
And so, he did.
Eggsy was sitting between the thighs of a gorgeous human being, lapping and licking over his hard sex, breathing hard and pushing all opposing thoughts away. All but one. It kept floating around in his mind, echoing within him, like a mantra he couldn’t escape. He allowed himself a glance at the older man, and was floored by the eyes that set into his.
They were glowing.
They were red.
Burning into his own.
The question fell from his lips before he could prevent it.
“Am I falling?”
A loud, piercing noise started to make itself known, somewhere there at the edge of his subconscious.
The older gentleman looked down at him, a wicked smirk playing at his lips. His eyes, still red, still burning hot, were just as kind as before, and although there was something mystical to this man Eggsy couldn’t quite figure out, the warmth and love colouring his voice when he spoke felt like an embrace.
“Yes, my dear boy.”
A tremendously loud crash was heard, the bar was suddenly engulfed in a bright white light, and the foundation trembled beneath them before everything went pitch black.
**
Back to reality, back in his sleeping quarters, Eggsy stood up and sighed. The thought of going back to his work pained him, but he had used up his rest time reliving his day with that beautiful man, who was no man at all. Was he ready to stand before God and ask forgiveness today?
No.
Would he be any more ready a year from now? A decade? A millennia?
Probably not. But what choice did he have? It wasn't like he could just go and-
“Extiel?”
It was Jamal, patiently waiting for him to answer the door. Finding this a bit out of their routine, he quickly got up and answered his friend.
“Yes, brother?”
“There are someone,” Jamal started and coughed, “here to see you. Down by the gates. Your presence is requested immediately.”
A dreadful feeling took a hold of him. What now?
“What is going on, brother?”
“Are you ready to stand before our Father, and repent for your sins?”
Jamal was his brother, and his friend; he would never lie to him.
“No.”
Jamal actually smiled at him, though he still looked anxious.
“Then I wish you well, brother. I will remember you,” he said, with warmth in his voice, before he was gone.
Eggsy zapped his way down to the Gates, where he was met with a big cacophony of voices, and a lot of Souls and angels pointing fingers and throwing accusations about. It appeared to be a fight over someone jumping the queue. He also noticed something else. Or rather, someone else. Right by Saint Peter, who stood kneading his temples and nodding in defeat, was the bald man Eggsy had seen in the bar that day in London.
“What is going on?” he demanded as he approached them.
The bald man greeted him with a winning smile and barged on, no time for formalities.
“Extiel, my client would like to extend his regards to you and offer you a job. You met on Earth some time ago, I think you should be able to remember?”
Eggsy nodded, not quite ready to form words.
“Should you accept the job offer, we will have to leave immediately. Should you, however, need some time to mull it over, please contact me with your reply at your convenience,” the bald man said and handed Eggsy a black business card through the Gates, very much to Saint Peter's dismay.
Eggsy held the card and looked at it.
It read:
Merlin
Devil's Advocate
Hell
Of course Eggsy had understood it before then.
Jamal, whom had found him on his knees in the bar in London that day, had been quick to tell him that according to their superior (Jesus), he could kiss his EWs goodbye and that he better get ready for years in bureaucratic slavery to atone for his wrongdoing. Eggsy had accepted immediately, but when standing before the archangels to answer for himself, he asked why his demotion had been classified as 'eternal'. The archangel Gabriel was the one who finally made him see the truth.
Well, kid, that's the sort of thing that happens when you suck the Devil's dick.
Eggsy handed the card back through the gates, to the bald man.
“What is the work?”
The bald man nodded with a smile and answered him.
“We treasure candidates with EW experience, as EWs will be a big part of the work.”
“But why should I work for you? You are everything Heaven is not. Pure evil, and all that?”
The bald man sighed and sent Saint Peter a sour look.
“Not quite. Unlike up here, the position of ruler changes every few billion years. Pure evil? That would be Lucifer the third, or Arthur, as we called him. But things have changed with our new chief in command. We are trying to keep up with the modern world, and marinating rapists and pedophiles and skinning bankers is not our main field of focus these days. We've outsourced those responsibilities to our colleagues in Purgatory.”
“So, what is Hell like today?”
“Hell is a place which values change and diversity, a community open to most, and a place who focuses a lot on Earth study and peace, and lately we've also focused a lot on habilitation and rehabilitation for atheists. Most of them were a bit miffed when they figured there in fact was something after death, and many are bitter that 'the other ones' were right about them going to Hell. Therefore habilitation of atheists is one of our biggest areas of focus these days, to make them accustomed to and satisfied with their sudden unwanted afterlife.”
“I'm very good at listening to people's wishes and concerns, sir.”
“Quite. My client is more than certain that you will make a valuable asset to our team. Shall we?”
Eggsy's entry to Hell was really not what he expected.
First the bald man, Merlin, took him to Earth, back to London. Then they went shopping for a tailored suit at The Huntsman in Savile Row. After that they walked through one of the mirrors in shop, and they were in Hell.
By the entrance to Luficer's study stood two young demons, and a dog which looked suspiciously similar to one Eggsy had seen in the bar in London. The demon girl handed the dog to Eggsy, ignoring his extended hand.
“A welcoming present. He might not look it, but he's feisty,” she said with a brilliant smile.
“Is it customary to receive a dog?”
“A dog? That right there is a hell hound, boy,” Merlin informed him.
“So, is this the bloke he's been going on about for weeks?” the blond girl quipped as they all approached a large set of white doors.
“Correct, Roxy.”
The other demon, a tall man with brown hair and a huge grin on his face, crossed his arms and looked Eggsy over before he whistled.
“Sure see why,” the demon singsonged, and winked to Eggsy in a most mischievous manner.
“Charlie, careful,” Merlin said to the demon, and sent him a warning look before opening the two big doors which led to a study. A jolt went right through Eggsy when the man turned around, clad in a navy blue suit, a pair of black-rimmed glasses framing those glowing eyes.
“Extiel, please allow me to properly introduce you to our superior. Officially known as Satan, Lucifer, or simply, the Devil-” Merlin started, but was interrupted by the “man in question” extending his hand to Eggsy.
“But please,” he said with that silky-smooth voice that rattled Eggsy's very existence. They shook hands, and Eggsy felt weak when flashed by what was probably the most gorgeous smile he had ever had the fortune of seeing.
”Call me Harry.”
- The End -