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Aaron Minyard, pre-med student and star-ish Exy player, leaned his head against the back of the couch and wished he could cry.
Sob, even. There was a lump in his chest, pressing against the walls of bone and skin, itching and burning to be let out. But he was Aaron Minyard. And he didn’t cry.
In the kitchen, the stupid cat clock that Neil had bought ticked obnoxiously, but luckily it was interrupted when Kevin hissed and spat out a curse word in some languages Aaron was too tired to decipher, turning on the faucet quickly. Probably burned himself with hot water again. Hopefully he doesn’t pop the blister again on the racquet tomorrow.
The water-stained ceiling glared black at him as Aaron tried to think of what to do. He had an OChem assignment due in a couple of days, but he was pretty much almost done, and just had to do the boring part. He could start on his Biochemistry essay, but he needed to meet up with his group again to discuss what they were going to do.
The stats exam is next week…Aaron itched slightly at the idea of sitting for another exam. He had barely scratched past the last one, and that was only because the professor graded on a curve. He was just so tired.
And he missed Katelyn. Even if what they had was never love, he missed having someone. Now, it was just Andrew (who didn’t say much to him, even if he was getting better), Neil (who was too busy watching Andrew), and Kevin (who had his own issues, which didn’t prevent him from only speaking to Aaron in the form of insults and quips.)
It was exhausting, watching everyone live their lives and feel as ignorant as if you were separate from them, viewing them from a distance, trying to unpick them and understand them.
I guess that’s why I went into medicine, Aaron thought, getting up to pick something up from the bookshelf. I have to understand how these fuckers work somehow. He ran his fingers over the cracked spines lining the shelf, ignoring Kevin as he walked into the living room.
Aaron pulled out his OChem book, running his fingers over the text on the cover. He had found it in the library and asked the librarian to set it aside of the owner for a week or two, but no one had come back for it, and Aaron took it home with him. It was a little beat up but in good condition, and free. He trudged back to the couch but Kevin was in his way, glaring down at him.
“What’s gotten into you?” Aaron said, flicking the book open to the bookmarked page. Kevin didn’t move, only crossed his arms and uncrossed them restlessly.
“You’re bothered by something,” he said finally, but stopped mid-sentence. Aaron rolled his eyes, pushing past Kevin towards the couch.
“So? Why do you care?” He responded, scanning the text as he sat down on the couch. Aaron wasn’t really reading the words in front of him, but he just wanted to get the conversation over with so he could go back to existing in peace. An awful, traitorous part of his mind whispered back, twining its way around his thoughts. You should tell him, though. You took Psyc last year, you know what you’re doing…
“I don’t know,” Kevin responded finally, sitting down at the end of the couch. “You’re on the team, though, so if this is going to mess with your ability to play-“
“Oh my GOD, it’s always fucking Exy with you! Just shut up about it already! We get it, you love the game, but have you ever thought that other people don’t?” Aaron shut his mouth as soon as the words were out, regretting them, but not enough to apologize. Kevin flinched slightly, but didn’t seem angry at the outburst. Instead he leaned in closer, slowly pulling the book out of Aaron’s hands.
“Aaron,” he said softly. “Talk to me. I won’t tell your brother or Neil or Coach or Bee. It’s okay.” And if Aaron had been coming home from any other day, or if he had gotten one more assignment done or if he had actually enjoyed the shower he took after classes, he would have scoffed and brushed Kevin off in an instant.
But everything that he had gone through during the day, the entire week, year, his fucking miserable life, suddenly felt as heavy as mountains atop his shoulders and he couldn’t breathe, even though he knew exactly what his lungs looked like and where they were hell he had even seen lungs TODAY he saw a corpse TODAY they can call it cadavers but they’re CORPSES they’re HUMANS I don’t want to understand them if they look like that and I am that and I am flesh and blood and bone and I will be on that table one day dead and gone and no one will care—
“Aaron?” Aaron blinked, which was an eternity alone, and dragged his gaze to Kevin, who was closer and concerned. “Aaron, should I—could I hug you?” Even he seemed surprised by that, by his tongue forming the syllables and his throat forcing out air and his lungs constricting and working to make his heart beat. Aaron nodded, and Kevin hugged him.
It was an odd one, make odder by the fact that neither of them were adept art human contact, but it was just enough to make Aaron melt.
He didn’t circle his arms around Kevin, not yet, but he pressed closer and closer until his head was tucked underneath Kevin's chin and he was curled up in the fetal position just like those PIGS you TORE apart with your KNIVES and your eyes as you feasted yourself on knowledge. Kevin slowly pressed his hand into Aaron’s lower back and sighed into his hair, slowly leaning back until they were both supported by the cushions of the couch.
Aaron felt frozen in place, tied to every single point of connection between him and Kevin, the only think keeping him from going away, the only thing keeping him from falling or flying or some other esoteric metaphor that could describe his mind and body and feeling. If only such a word or phrase existed. i would learn every word of every language in the world to find it.
The clock in the kitchen ticked on, and Aaron counted Kevin’s breaths along with it. They were even, easy, and smooth, so naturally Aaron copied them. He could never lie next to someone and not mimic their breathing: it was like some sort or reflex for him. Once Aaron could feel his limbs gain, he dragged his arms around Kevin in return, saying,
“While we were in the lab today, all I could think about was Drake.”
Kevin stopped carding his fingers through Aarons hair, but resumed his rhythm after a heartbeat. Even saying the words caused a quiver to run down Aaron’s spine, making him clench his teeth and press himself closer to Kevin, which couldn’t be comfortable, but he didn’t say anything.
The clock ticked on, and Aaron felt like crying, which was normal, but he was in Kevin's arms. He could smell the special detergent Kevin used because he said that the one Andrew buys makes his skin itch.
He could feel Kevin’s pulse under his skin as it thundered through his veins and Aaron’s not gay but goddamn this man will make him feel like it. You just broke up with Katelyn a month ago, you’re still hung up on her, Andrew’s the gay one, not you not you NOT YOU NOT YOU NOTYOUNOTYOUNOTYOU—
“When was the last time you slept?” Kevin said, tugging on Aaron’s hair gently. Aaron shrugged, the knot in his gut growing wider and wider until it consumed him. Kevin pulled away slightly, but only to grab a pillow from the floor and lean back on it, adjusting his position so Aaron was forced to curl up against him. “What do you want me to do?” Kevin asked, shifting slightly so Aaron could worm his way into the couch.
I want you to listen and hold me and crack open you ribs so I can crawl inside of you and I want to see you heart beating and I want to break you open and sew you back together on the operating table. Maybe he did need to sleep.
“I don’t know. Talk to me. Don’t leave me,” Aaron responded, hating the way he sounded, the way he begged and groveled for any scrap of love this man could give him like a dog he’s a dog a mangy beast who fights for everything he’s given. Kevin paused for a second before nodding slightly and nudging Aaron’s ear until it’s in the middle of his chest.
“Did you know that a zamburak is a form of cannon that was mounted on camels? I was a common form of artillery that was popular in Iranian warfare and also…” Aaron felt rather than heard the words, lulled to sleep by the vibrations of his voice.
Aaron’s neck ached and his arm was numb by the time he slowly woke up, still coiled around Kevin like a lure to a fish, but a blanket (Kevin’s blanket) had been tucked around his shoulders and a pillow was wedged between his head and Kevin’s arm. Who was watching Exy while running his fingers through Aaron’s hair.
For the first time in a while, Aaron felt…not good exactly, but not bad. His mind hadn’t stopped, it had just slowed a little bit. It slowed enough for him to be content to watch Kevin as he stared at the tv, feel someone playing with his hair, and feel boneless and warm for the first time in months. Eventually, of course Kevin noticed and jumped a little bit, tensing under Aaron’s gaze.
“Good morning. It’s…8:09am,” he said, flushing slightly when Aaron squinted at him. “Just…figured you might want to know.” Aaron smiled slightly, sitting up slowly and untangling himself from Kevin’s limbs. He looked down, biting the inside of his cheek as he looked down at Kevin Day THE Kevin Day right here in front of me I want to dissect him-
Aaron shook his head, pushing himself up and padding to the bathroom, staring at his reflection in the mirror once he got there. Lines were chiseled into his cheeks and neck from the pillow and his right hand had the stitching of Kevin’s shirt pressed into it from where it had been trapped under their bodies. If I were to get a tattoo, it would be of this. Fuck numbers, fuck kings and queens, it would be of THIS.
Aaron straightened, hearing the front door click open. Andrew and Neil aren’t due back for a couple more hours, at least. Are they here? If so-Aaron stared at the creases on his skin, the patterns etched there through hours of contact, the proof of someone on his body. I don’t want to lose this.
Before he could make a decision, the door to the bathroom was pushed open as Kevin belatedly shouted something from the living room. Neil Josten stood in the doorway, scanning Aaron before turning back to Kevin, who was leaning over the back of the couch, blanket still around one shoulder like a toga, making him look like an emperor. Like a queen.
“What happened to ‘it’s easier to be straight’, Day?” Neil said, dragging his eyes over the marks on Aaron’s skin and the matching ones on Kevin’s shirt.
“What happened to ‘we’ll be there around noon?” Aaron sneered, pushing past Neil to the kitchen, where Andrew was glaring at the sink still full of half-washed dishes. He glanced up to Aaron, flicking his gaze between Kevin and Aaron, before catching Neil’s eye, a challenge because Neil was ranting.
“Well, we were going to sleep in, but I forgot I had a test in the afternoon. I told Andrew, but he didn’t say anything about waking up earlier. But lo and behold, I’m woken up at the asscrack of dawn so we can hit the road.” Once Andrew caught his eye, as always, Neil responded instantly, shutting his mouth. Kevin stood up, addressing Andrew and Neil, but keeping his eyes locked on Aaron.
“Neil, I’ve rarely taken the easy road.” Everything seemed to slow, to constrict around Kevin's voice and his eyes, watching, watching, always watching. Aaron could feel the blood rushing to his neck. He nodded shakily, then turned on his heel and went straight back into the bathroom, locking to door behind him this time.
Kevin’s words repeated in his head, drawing out anything else as Aaron pressed his right hand down into his mouth and bit.