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2024-09-06
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The 44 Steps To Win the Silver War (And Lose a Part of Yourself in the Process)

Summary:

You knew this wasn’t going to be easy, didn’t you?

or:

A list of things you need to do to win the great war.

Notes:

this fic is heavily inspired by this work! inspiration struck me after reading it and well. i kinda blacked out and wrote this… i highly suggest reading it because honestly, wow

im uploading this at like 2 in the morning i hope you enjoy reading despite how word-vomity this is

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

  1. Befriend the only other outcast in the grid.
  • Note to self: You will get along well, understanding each other in a way nobody else has. You will see each other as human, something more than just the champion’s son or the only black kid on the grid. You race with each other, the joy of winning or losing not really mattering in the grand scheme of things when all you two will ever focus on is the feeling of being next to each other on the podium.
  • You will beg your father to make a karting team so you can be teammates, he will do so in a heartbeat. He has never seen you this happy, never seen you care about something other than racing before. (He won’t tell you this till you’re older but the reason why he smiled at you when you asked this of him was because he was relieved you had finally made your first friend.)

 

  1. Become inseparable.
  • You will take him to Monaco, show him your home and let him into your life to the point even your parents will constantly refer to you as “Nico and Lewis” and nothing else. 
  • You will do everything together, turn everything into a competition. You will share hotel rooms and destroy them when you wrestle with one another. You will eat whole boxes of pizza and see who can finish the most. You both think it’s cool, but your team principal thinks otherwise when you both get embarrassingly sick afterwards.
  • Sometimes, you both ride unicycles and race against each other on them. You taught him how to, having done it for half your life, and he adapts to it so quickly that the only explanation is he’s just that talented. He ends up knowing more tricks  than you in a span of two days. You do not know it yet, but the razor sharp edge beating at your chest that you spell away with guilt will haunt your soul for the rest of your life.
  • You will know him well enough to do his set-up for him when he injures his arm. He will win, and you will be happy. It will be the only thing you allow yourself to feel about it. Once again you let guilt wash over you at your unpleasant thoughts.
  • Note: He often wins, but it doesn’t really matter, doesn’t it? How can you be ashamed to lose to such beauty?
  • Have a realization.

 

  1. Fall in love.
  • It will come abruptly, shaking you to your very core. You don’t know this yet, but this will be your undoing. 
  • Your mind tells you this isn’t worth it, that this will blow up in your face if you let this go on for longer. You have always been cerebral. But you have never been wrong. A yearning in your heart begs you to think differently. You want to listen.
  • Do not worry. It doesn’t change anything for a while. Everything stays the same, those gentle touches and lingering looks continue. He still loves cares about you like he always does, and so do you.
  • This revelation does nothing but give you another thing to beat yourself over. You refuse to act on it, refuse to admit how much you want something more. 
  • Note: It does not give you some newfound explanation as to why you always find yourself drifting to him, but it sure does give you insight on the guilt that knots around your heart whenever you feel a sliver of envy at his achievements. 

 

  1. Let sit for an undefined amount of time.

 

  1. Take him to Greece.
  • You’ve always loved the beaches there, didn’t you? You’ve buried parts of yourself into these Mykonos beaches, the waves constantly calling for you to come and rest your bones there. It’s become a part of you, this place.
  • He will continue to slither further into the crevices of your heart and you will let him. Because that’s how you are. It seems only fitting to show him this part of you, right?
  • Note: He will love this place, just as much as you did. In the future, you will think it was a mistake, but nothing can deny the truth that the view of his wind-swept hair and toothy grin will forever have made it worth it. That view will haunt you, soon. Enjoy it while you can. 
  • Show him your favorite restaurants and smile fondly when he grows to like the same dishes as you. 

 

  1. Take your father’s boat out in the evening and go stargazing with him.
  • You don’t know this yet, but this will be your undoing. 
  • Point at your favorite constellation and tell him about the brightest star in that system. He looks and reaches for the stars and all you do is stare at him lovingly. You do not know this yet, but this is how things will go in the future. Enjoy this while you still can.
  • Dream with him of a future racing for championships and sharing the same engine. You both think you will be the first to do this while being best friends, and you will make a promise to be together, from karting podium celebrations to Formula 1 champagne. This is the first time in your life you let yourself hope, let yourself believe in something. You pray to God he grants you this.
  • Stare too intensely at his tousled hair and secretive smile till you feel your want build.

 

  1. Lean in and kiss him underneath the stars.
  • He will kiss you back, and it will feel like heaven. You will not remember how much time passed, but you will remember your horror when you realize you’ve ruined a good thing.
  • You will break away from the kiss and look at the way his face contorts as you do so. 

 

  1. Run away.
  • This was stupid on your part, but you didn’t know any better then. Did you seriously think you could outrun and hide from him during a trip you invited him to?
  • You will laugh at this for years on end with him and regret it for the rest.

 

  1.  Get confronted by him.
  • It was only a matter of time that he did, you can never outrun him. He will always win, in the end.
  • Have a conversation, have a realization. You both were always connected. How could you not realize you both thought and felt the same?
  • Get kissed. Kiss him back.

 

  1. Allow yourself to need something for the first time in your life. 
  • Lose yourself in the absolute happiness this brings you.
  • Chase sunsets and late night kisses underneath the stars.

 

  1. Let sit for 3 years.
  • You will feel nothing but contentment. Enjoy this while you still can.

 

  1. Receive an exclusive contract and worry yourself sick at the thought of telling him.
  • You do not want to tell him. Your father warns you to not tell him. This is your secret. 
  • You itch during every moment you share and feel waves of guilt wash over you as he remains blissfully unaware.
  • He finds out weeks later alongside everyone else and congratulates you, and you ignore the way hurt tinges the sides of his eyes. You do not ask why. You know the answer.

 

  1. Drive till your legs give out and your stomach upends itself.
  • Push and push yourself to do better and win. Your body refuses to listen to your punishing workforce, but you push it all the same. You are never satisfied with the outcome.
  • He will always be concerned for you when you do this, but a voice in your head tells you he will never understand. 

 

  1. Let sit for a frustrating amount of years.
  • Feel yourself grow sick as the years pass by, feel the way time runs out and start entertaining the idea that your plans are nothing more than  dreams.

 

  1. Study aeronautics and apply for Imperial College.
  • You have always loved it, alongside racing. You can see yourself pursuing it, you entertain the idea.

 

  1. Get in.

 

  1. Reject the offer to continue your chase for wheels. 
  • You will lose a part of yourself when you do this. A part of you mourns the life you could have had outside the punishing world of racing, but you tell yourself your championship dreams are a part of you. 

 

  1. Celebrate winning the GP2 Championship Title with him.
  • He will run to your arms and taste the champagne lingering in your mouth. You love this. Love him. 

 

  1. Receive your first contract into Formula 1 and sign it in a heartbeat.
  • You don’t know this yet, but this will be your undoing.
  • Don’t tell him. You itch during every moment you share and feel waves of guilt wash over you as he remains blissfully unaware.
  • He will find out, of course. He will look at you just as he did all those years ago, and you will still ignore it. You do not talk about it. You will just celebrate this.

 

  1. Drive as hard as you can, and fail in the process.
  • The legacy on your shoulders is punishing, and so is the car you are driving.
  • They are all looking at you. He is looking at you.
  • You do everything you can, drive with everything you have but the car does not follow your command. You cannot do anything about this.
  • Grow bitter and pessimistic and feel your shot at winning a championship just like your father is nothing but a dream.

 

  1. Celebrate with him as he tells you about how he finally, finally has a seat in Formula one.
  • You are happy for him. You will share this night together in each other's arms with dumb smiles on your faces. You both are finally closer to your dreams.
  • You do not often pray, but you ask God that He will treat him kinder than you were.

 

  1. Watch him as he debuts and races like no other.
  • He gets on the podium and the crowd is captivated in a way they have never been. 
  • He reaches for the stars and all you can do is stare lovingly up at him on that podium. You are doomed to the sidelines.

 

  1. Watch him continuously win and place higher and higher.
  • Kiss him and hug him when he does so. You will realize he has achieved the dreams you promised each other long ago, while you are still chasing yours. But this is not his fault at all. You still love him. 
  • Ignore the building jealousy and envy in your chest and feel tremendous guilt for even thinking that way. This isn’t right for you to think of him like this. He is not at fault for your failures.
  • Note: Do not be upset when he wins the world championship title in his second year. He is not at fault for your failures.

 

  1. Sign a contract with Mercedes.
  • This was an easy choice. You finally get your fighting chance. 
  • Note: Refuse to succumb to the mind games your teammate pulls on you and learn a thing or two from him yourself. You don’t know this yet, but this will be useful in the future.

 

  1. Get your first podium and feel a fraction of the weight on your shoulders lighten.
  • He will kiss you and hug you and call your karting team principal and scream in joy with you. 
  • Later in the night, you will let yourself cry in relief. Your dreams are turning into reality, after all.

 

  1. Win your first race.
  • Allow yourself to feel as though your chances at a championship title aren’t so impossible. 

 

  1. Convince him to sign a contract with Mercedes when your teammate leaves. 
  • You do not know this yet, but this will be your undoing.
  • It seems right, seems fitting. You finally both get your dream of being teammates fighting for titles granted. 
  • He agrees in a heartbeat. You both jump for joy and feel the happiest you’ve ever been in years. 

 

  1. Engage in countless head to heads against him and lose.
  • You knew this could happen, but it does not help remove the sting. He was always ahead of you, always faster than you when you raced in unicycles for fun.
  • Convince yourself. He is your lover, your best friend. Do not let yourself feel this way. You need to be happy for him. 

 

  1. Watch as he wins again and again, and feel yourself grow bitter as you watch from the sidelines.
  • He reaches for the stars and actually grabs them, and all you can do is look at him from the sides. You can do nothing as you stand on the lower steps while he continues to claim the top over and over again.
  • Grit your teeth as he wins the world title again and again in the same car you drive in. The weight of a legacy suffocates you, and still he continues winning. 
  • He has achieved the dreams you dreamt of together in Greece and more, leaving you to chase for it alone. This is the truth that you tell yourself repeatedly. This is the way your heart grows cold.

 

  1. Start playing mind games on him. Start hiding everything from him.
  • Stop sharing your set-up. Start pulling dirty tricks. Do everything to one-up him. He must not find a weakness.
  • Ignore the way this hurts him. Ignore the way this hurts you. 
  • You are losing a bit of yourself as you do this, but you refuse to acknowledge it. 

 

  1. Yell and scream and shove when he starts fighting back.
  • He does not understand, cannot understand. 
  • You will have to watch as you slowly morph into something else, something he cannot grow to love. You have no choice but to let this happen.

 

  1. Feel your heart grow cold as he wins again despite all your effort.

 

  1. Lose yourself. 
  • You cannot do this anymore. You do everything to make sure you finally win. The legacy on your shoulders is choking you now, screaming at you to do something.
  • You discard everything. You scrape the pain off your helmet, cut your socks in half for an advantage. With every weight you shed, you lose yourself too.
  • You give up cycling. You give up everything, locking yourself into simulation after simulation till you can drive without feeling sick at the way you are pushing yourself.
  • You do not know this yet, but this will be your undoing.

 

  1. Win again and again, and let him watch from the sidelines as you do so.
  • You did this for him too, back then. It is only fair that he’d have to as well, right? 
  • You try to convince yourself that the way he looks at you does not matter. You falter when you see the hurt all over his face. You will try to look away and pretend nothing happened. 

 

  1. Crash into him and spin both of yourselves into the gravel.
  • You did not intend for this. Did not design it this way.
  • You let yourself check on him in secret to see if he is okay, and are relieved to see him unhurt. You do not tell him this. You cannot let him have this weakness.
  • He shoves and screams at you, searching for an answer to why you have hurt him this way. You cannot answer him, cannot tell him the truth because he will not understand.

 

  1. Watch him walk away from you.
  • He cannot do this anymore, he tells you. Cannot love you anymore. 
  • He searches for an answer and all you give him is silence. He forms his own answer and turns his heel. 

 

  1. Let him.
  • You do not know this yet, but this will be your undoing.
  • You have lost a part of yourself, and you feel your heart scream at you at the loss. You will try to convince yourself it is for the better. You will fail.
  • You will spiral and eat only frosties for a week, but refuse to acknowledge how you are unraveling. 

 

  1. Win the championship. 
  • You will feel the weight finally lift, everything you have worked for ever since you were five is finally realized.
  • Celebrate alone. He does not call, does not text you. He refuses to even look at you. Your heart aches, but you do not let yourself dwell on it further.

 

  1. Retire.
  • You are finally free.
  • He still does not look at you. You return to Monaco, and your shared apartment is empty. He has left nothing else but his copy of the house keys next to a small black box on the countertops of your home.
  • Note: You will wish you didn’t open it. The glint of gem and metal will forever haunt you.

 

  1. Return to Greece during summer alone.
  • The views haunt you. You tried to run from home, run from Monaco, but he has slithered into the crevices of your heart, seated himself into your precious Mykonos beaches.
  • The people will wonder. You will eat in your favorite restaurants alone, and the nice lady who put up with the both of you during your teenage years will wonder why you have come without him. You will lie to her ignore the way your heart aches.
  • You look at the stars while you sit on the beach and feel yourself crumble when there is no boy laying next to you any longer.
  • Note: This will be the last time you go here. You will run from Greece just as you had run from racing. The truth is ugly. You will never escape him. 

 

  1. Return to the track to chase the one last connection you have with him.
  • You say yes to commentating, searching for him on track and trying to talk to him. He avoids you, refuses to talk to you.
  • You feel your heart ache again as you realize you have truly lost him. 

 

  1. Let yourself regret.
  • You will stare at him from the sidelines and he will never share his smile with you again.
  • Trace the loops of your signature on your trophy that lays next to his. During your weakest nights when your mind is fuzzy with alcohol, you imagine what it would be like to have him underneath your fingertips instead. 
  • He is no longer yours. You cannot do anything about it. 

 

  1. Allow yourself to need him after all these years.
  • This revelation does nothing but give you another thing to beat yourself over. You refuse to act on it, refuse to admit how much you want everything back.

 

  1.  Wonder if he will ever do the same thing for you.
  • You know the answer, don't you?

Notes:

“He is still my best friend at heart.”

hi guys, thank you for reading! feel free to comment or scream at me over here on my tumblr!