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They had time to kill before they needed to leave for Sioux Falls. In a few hours, they would be preparing to kill the Devil. But Crowley had extended his hospitality, and it would be rude to decline.
Bobby had taken this time as an opportunity to drink. For a demon, Crowley had a good taste in bourbon. And when Dean took his first sip of whiskey, Sam knew he’d be driving the Impala home. He didn’t want to drink anyway, he felt too nervous. Ellen wasn’t drinking, probably having seen enough drunks to last her a life time, and was instead watching Jo laugh and drink with Dean.
Sam sat on the leather sofa in the corner of the room. It was nice to see his family laugh and joke with each other. They hadn’t laughed in such a long time.
Squirming, Sam couldn’t help but feel guilty. It was all his fault. They couldn’t be happy because he’d trusted a demon over not only his brother, but also an angel. His breaths were getting shorter and his throat closing was up, but he deserved it.
Suddenly, his hand that was resting on the sofa felt warm. Looking down, he realized that Cas had entangled his fingers with Sam’s. The world felt a lot calmer with Cas holding his hand, telling him he was worth something. He flashed Cas a kind smile before refocusing his gaze on Dean.
“You think too loudly,” Castiel remarked, eyes trained forward. “You project your thoughts often.”
“Oh,” Sam muttered, knowing he’d screwed up again.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Cas told him, line of sight switching quickly to the side of Sam’s face. “It’s not your fault, so please don’t feel guilty.“ Sam nodded, smiling to himself. Cas’ unwavering faith in him was really needed, and Sam was glad to get the support.
"Hey, Cas!” Jo yelled from her place at the table. “You ever had Jack Daniels before?” With an over exaggerated sigh, Cas stood up and strode towards the table to talk to Jo.
Sam waited until Cas was immersed in Dean and Jo’s conversation. They were so happy, even without Sam there to joke around.
It just helped him make up his mind more.
Without Cas watching him, Sam slipped away into Crowley’s room.
“Crowley, we need to talk,” Sam growled, softly closing the door behind him. It clicked quietly, and Sam took that as a cue to step forward. Crowley glanced up from a contract in his hands, raising his eyebrow when he saw Sam stood in the middle of the room.
“Winchester, what a pleasure it is to have you in my office,” Crowley smirked, slapping the papers down on his desk. With a smooth gesture, he offered the seat across from him to Sam, who shook his head. Crowley shrugged. “What can I do you?”
“You’re a crossroads demon, right?” Sam asked, hands reaching for the desk in front of him. His knuckles turned white in his grip.
“I want to make a deal.”
“Ooh, you’re making me all tingly, Moose. What do you want?” Crowley questioned. He poured himself a whiskey on the rocks, sniffing the amber liquid before taking a short sip.
“I want them to be happy,” Sam said, arm flying to point to the other room. “Dean, Jo, Ellen, Bobby. I want them all to be happy.” There were some tears in his eyes, and his chest heaved as he spoke.
“I don’t toy with emotions,” Crowley sighed, sounding bored. Sam’s jaw hung open as he tried to protest.
“Well then - then - make it so I was never born! Just - anything, so long as they’re happy!” Sam yelled, leaning into Crowley’s space. Rolling his eyes, Crowley mock yawned, unimpressed by Sam’s passion. Crowley was about to say something when the door burst open.
“Sam, I want to talk to you.” Cas was stood by the door, anger etched onto his face. He then turned his intense stare on Crowley. “Alone.” Crowley smirked, teleporting from behind his desk to the doorway.
“Trouble in paradise?” Crowley raised his eyebrows. “I’ll leave you lovebirds be.” The doors closed behind him as he strode out.
Sam almost wanted to call after the demon just so he wouldn’t be left alone with Cas. He was mad, and Sam could tell. It was never Sam’s intention to hurt Cas, but obviously he had. Wincing, Sam smiled shakily and went to grab Cas’ hand, but Cas pulled away before he could.
“What’s all this about you not wanting to be born?” Cas asked, voice even and calm. Still, Cas was very clearly pissed. Sam couldn’t be bothered lying to him.
“Think about it, Cas. It would fix everything!” Sam exclaimed, putting passion into his speech to convince Cas he was right. Castiel looked taken aback by Sam’s sudden outburst. Sighing, he sat down in Crowley’s chair, turning it to face Sam directly.
“Would it?” Cas smiled sadly, a pitying look in his eye.
“Yes,” Sam snorted in a condescending way, as if Cas was crazy. “Mom wouldn’t have died, the gates of Hell would never have opened, and Lucifer wouldn’t have been set free! Everything bad in this world can be traced back to me.”
“Your Mother dying had nothing to do with you!” Cas yelled, his voice harsh enough to take Sam by surprise. Legs feeling wobbly, Sam had to take the seat behind him so he wouldn’t fall over. Concerned, Cas ran over and checked Sam to make sure he was okay. Once he found Sam to be physically fine, Cas knelt beside him and took hold of his hand. “She chose to make the deal that compromised you, and she chose to question Azazel when he followed through. You had no part in it, Sam.”
“But what about the seals? What about Lucifer?” Sam demanded, shrugging Cas’ hand away.
“The gates of Hell would have opened either way. Azazel still had other children,” Cas said. Sam sighed; there was no way he could get through to Cas. It was sweet that Cas wanted to help, but the angel couldn’t do that this time. When Cas sensed that Sam wasn’t listening, he grabbed hold of Sam’s chin and forced the human to look at him. “And it’s not your fault you killed Lilith.”
“Yes it is,” Sam gritted out, trying to shake Cas’ delicate hands off of his chin. “I chose to.”
“No, Sam!” Cas scolded. “You were manipulated into doing it!”
Tears began to well up in Sam’s eyes. He couldn’t understand why Cas was trying to convince him none of this was his fault when he knew for a fact he was to blame. Since he was young, everything had been his fault, all the menial things his Dad got mad at him for. It didn’t just stop. The truck, their Dad dying, Dean going to Hell. Lilith, Lucifer, Cas dying - everything, all of it, Sam was to blame. He heard Cas sigh, and glanced up to see a sad look in Cas’ eyes.
“I’m partially at fault here,” Cas whispered, barely loud enough for Sam to hear. His eyes were trained to Crowley’s desk, like he couldn’t face Sam. Cas’ Adam’s apple bobbed as he gulped. “I was the one who let you out of the panic room.” Sam sprung up from his seat.
“What? Why? So you angels could have your fun?” Sam accused.
“You would have died had I left you in there!” Cas yelled back. Sam’s shoulders slumped, his breaths short. He slowly turned to face Cas, a single tear rolling down his face.
“So?”
“Forgive me, Sam, but I love you, and I couldn’t watch you die,” Cas whispered. He placed a gentle hand on Sam’s cheek, staring deeply into his eyes. For a moment, the world was still. Then Sam leant in and placed a chaste kiss on Cas’ lips.
“Do you really mean it?” Sam asked nervously.
“Of course I do, Sam,” Castiel mumbled, leaning his head on Sam’s shoulder. “Believe me when I say you are not to blame. You’re a victim of circumstance.”
Sam wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him close. He was scared to let go, scared that he’d wake up and find everything to be a dream. There was nothing else that mattered at that moment except that Cas was there for him. A light knock sounded at the door, and Cas pulled away from Sam ever so slightly. Dean poked his head around the door.
“Hey, Sam, we’re ready to set off,” Dean said. When his eyes settled on the proximity of Sam and Cas, he quickly looked away awkwardly. “Right, we can wait a minute.” He winked at Sam before closing the door. Both Sam and Cas stared at the door for a minute, before Sam felt his hand encased by Cas’.
“Thank you, Castiel,” Sam smiled shakily. “I - I really needed to hear that.”
“I’ll always be here for you,” Cas replied. Cas took Sam’s hand and lead him out the door, where all their friends were waiting. Yes, they were going to face the Devil - but with an angel at his side, Sam somehow felt like they could win.