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It was okay to be with Kaveh.
Throughout Alhaitham’s entire life he never really paid attention to what other people thought of him. He knew he was “strange,” he knew he was rude, and he knew he never got along with his peers. Being himself wasn’t something he was ever ashamed of, because he knew who the real Alhaitham was; someone smarter than his critics would ever be. Alhaitham was confident that he would never care about anyone’s perceptions of him, especially nobody as different from him as Kaveh.
Kaveh, the wonderous Light of Kshahrewar, was the complete opposite of Alhaitham. Alhaitham had heard about him and although he had nobody to gossip with, it was near impossible to avoid the high praise everyone sung about Kaveh. The senior was the blueprint for which every Akadeymia student strived to be, he was intelligent, approachable, and would help anyone who asked. All of this meant that Alhaitham completely disregarded Kaveh, it would be absurd for the two of them to even work together.
He might not remember how he and Kaveh became friends, but ever since he’s really known him, it became natural to ignore logic when it came to Kaveh. Being around Kaveh made Alhaitham want to talk, just to hear Kaveh respond. This would often lead him to start ridiculous scuffles over unimportant topics, ignorant to any other way to communicate but confident he didn’t want Kaveh to stop speaking.
“We have this whole table, yet you’re encroaching on my space?” Alhaitham asked after Kaveh had sprawled out his blueprints across table and leaned in front of his junior to reach the far corner of the paper.
“Oh, you don’t mind.” Kaveh said dismissively and finished writing a note on his blueprint.
Alhaitham opened his mouth to protest but Kaveh was right, if it was anyone else invading his personal space, he wouldn’t have hesitated in getting as far as he possibly could from the offender. For some reason unknown to him, Kaveh wasn’t just anyone.
“I will mind if you spill that ink over my notes.” Alhaitham added sharply and returned to scribbling notes down from the new book he just acquired.
“Reasonable enough.” Kaveh responded with a smile and shifted his chair so he sat closer to Alhaitham.
That first time, that same day when Kaveh placed his hand right next Alhaitham’s to balance himself as he sketched his designs, and Alhaitham didn’t know why he did it, but as if acting on instinct he reached out and placed the weight of his pinky finger on top of Kaveh’s. Regardless of his motive, it was immensely satisfying the way Kaveh locked their two fingers together.
Alhaitham never thought that Kaveh’s charm would work on him. He didn’t even realize it happened, but like clockwork the two students found themselves hidden away in a corner of the House of Daena, their chairs placed closer to each-other than just friends would, always making time to study together in their busy schedules’ despite having completely different assignments from different Darshans.
Their sweet moments happened more and more frequently, and each time toed past the line of friendship more than the last. It didn’t escape Alhaitham, noticing every time Kaveh anxiously surveyed the area before holding Alhaitham’s hand. Yet every time he felt that warmth of Kaveh’s hand in his, saw the small reassuring smile, and heard a quick “C’mon Haitham!” before his senior led them through the bookshelves, Alhaitham immediately forgot any of the potential concerns he might’ve had.
Alhaitham always loved spending time with Kaveh, but he noticed the best moments were behind closed doors, hidden away from the rest of the world. Some of his favorites were the handful of late nights they spent in Kaveh’s room.
Kaveh was sitting at his desk focused on the assignment he was trying to get done early and Alhaitham was lying on the bed right next to him, reading a book. He didn’t realize the novel he chose was so incredibly boring because his eyes kept drifting away from the pages and staring at Kaveh’s lips analyzing the way he bit them as he focused on the work in front of him.
“Kaveh.” Alhaitham shut his book as he sat up to face his senior, giving up on making any more progress in what he was reading.
“Yes, Haitham?” The other responded without looking up from his desk.
Alhaitham very carefully reached his hand towards Kaveh’s jaw and softly pressed so Kaveh would turn towards him, “You should stop biting your lip so much, it’s going to hurt the skin.”
Kaveh didn’t respond, he just looked back at Alhaitham with an unreadable expression. Alhaitham immediately felt his heartbeat quicken and he moved his arm to pull his hand away, without a moment’s hesitation, Kaveh grabbed his arm to stop him. Time paused, without a sound or inch of movement, Alhaitham looked back to Kaveh’s face noticing a slight furrow to his senior’s eyebrow as if he was debating someth-
Kaveh surged forward, closing off the space between them, his lips meeting Alhaitham’s in an instant. It was quick and chaste and as Kaveh looked back at Alhaitham, they met each other with wide eyes and red faces.
“I- “ Kaveh had begun but Alhaitham cut him off as he kissed him and his hand found its way back to hold the side of Kaveh’s face, too afraid to let go, not wanting the moment to be over. Kaveh did not hesitate to kiss him back, increasing his intensity.
He grabbed Alhaitham’s shoulders and moved them into his bed, drawing himself closer to his junior. Their kisses grew sloppier but were increasingly more passionate. Alhaitham was no expert but as he kissed Kaveh he felt as if he spent his whole life with something missing and finally discovered what it was, what he needed.
Pulling back, Kaveh looked at Alhaitham and breathlessly moved so the two of them were lying beside each other, barely fitting on the twin sized mattress. For how nonchalant Alhaitham’s normal behavior was, he wore a dumb smile as he looked at Kaveh and grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers together.
“Can we just stay like this for a while?” Kaveh asked, and Alhaitham brought his hand to his face, pressing a soft kiss to the back of Kaveh’s hand, “Of course.” He saw how Kaveh’s face grew pink then looked away at his response to hide his embarrassment, yet Alhaitham didn’t mind, on the contrary, he was quite fond of the expressions Kaveh made.
The two of them remained there, their bodies pressed against each other with nothing but the sound of their breathing filling the room. Normally, Alhaitham never dared to define their relationship, afraid that even saying the word “we” would cause everything to dissipate, leaving Alhaitham alone once again. But after today, in the moment they were currently sharing, he had found the courage he lacked before.
“What are we, Kaveh?”
Alhaitham could feel how every muscle in Kaveh’s body froze, becoming rigid and a moment later his hand slipped out of Alhaitham’s, and looked away. He immediately sat up to make eye contact with Kaveh.
He could feel the way his skin burned with embarrassment and rejection, but he said what he needed to anyways, not allowing himself a second to overthink, “I want to be with you.” Alhaitham declared, the adrenaline running through his body.
Kaveh turned away even further, staring at the floor, avoiding Alhaitham the best he could, “We’re friends.” He mumbled with a shaky voice.
“What?” Alhaitham recoiled, absolutely gutted by two simple words.
“Can we just talk about this tomorrow?" Kaveh asked as he stood up to leave the room, purposefully ignoring any emotion coming from Alhaitham.
“No, Kaveh, I’m tired of not talking about... whatever this is.” Alhaitham interjected, getting up faster than Kaveh to stand in front of him, so he couldn’t leave, so there was no choice but to be acknowledged, “Just friends don’t kiss each other, I’m no fool.”
Kaveh visibly winced at the mention of their kiss and could only stare back at him. Waiting for a response and then realizing that he wasn’t getting one, Alhaitham continued his rant.
“I’m no fool.” He repeated, “I can tell you’re hiding me as your dirty secret. I don’t know what you’re so ashamed of, let yourself be happy!” Every memory of Kaveh carefully scanning to see if anyone was looking before he gave the slightest amount of affection resurfaced so vividly.
Yet again, Alhaitham was met with an upsetting silence.
“Do you disregard me this much? Say something Kaveh, yell at me!” Alhaitham laced each word with as much venom he could muster, he needed Kaveh to respond to him, he couldn’t handle this heart-breaking silent treatment.
He watched as Kaveh’s eyes drifted to the side of his room towards his desk, zoning out, looking at anything but his peer in front of him.
“Kaveh!” He called to regain his attention, exasperated with the fact that Kaveh wouldn’t even look at him.
It was like a switch turned on inside Kaveh’s mind, his entire demeanor changed as his eyes stared right back to Alhaitham’s, a whirlwind of emotions painfully visible on his face. The dissociative look he wore before was gone.
“For the genius you’re supposed to be, how can you not understand?” Kaveh snapped but Alhaitham didn’t back down, this is exactly what he asked for.
“What don’t I understand, oh talented senior, educate me.” He snapped right back, arguing is what they do best after all.
“If I’m with you, I can’t be happy.” Kaveh let his confession linger in the air for a moment, before he looked back to his desk and quickly snatched his copy of his and Alhaitham’s thesis.
“I have a reputation; I’m supposed to make something great, something to be remembered by. Why would I want to be in the history books if I’m only known for being a freak.” He held out the piece of paper and Alhaitham couldn’t help but focus on the two of their names right next to each other. A pang of sadness hit him as those two names used to sit proudly at the top of the page, but now according to Kaveh, they were only shameful.
Unfortunately, Alhaitham was no stranger to being called a freak or any other name of the sorts, but this was the first time he felt it so viciously, like a slap in the face.
“I regret ever being your friend.” Kaveh trembled as he said it, his fists tightening around the paper in his hand as he crumpled it. It looked like he was physically in pain as he made his confession, “It’s your fault, you made me think like that, act like that.”
Alhaitham’s heart had been sliced open, and Kaveh making a claim that contradicts the cold hard truth of his whole situation was like pouring salt in his open wound. “You kissed me!” He gestured to himself, trying to convey his irritation, “What do you mean its my fault?”
“You!” Kaveh gasped, offended by Alhaitham’s accusation but ultimately knew that he was right.
“Don’t act like an idiot Kaveh, we both know you’re smarter than that.” Alhaitham said as he recovered a bit of his cold, rational persona. The only way to stop bleeding is to bandage the wound.
Impulsively and rash, Kaveh ripped the thesis in his hands in half without a second of a thought, letting the pieces fall to the floor. “I wish I had never met you!” Without missing a beat, Kaveh jabbed an aggressive on Alhaitham’s chest as he lashed out. It was clear to see Kaveh meant every word he said, almost as if he was trying to convince himself as well.
Hearing those words and seeing Kaveh’s actions were the last straw, Alhaitham was too emotionally exhausted to continue this argument and break his own heart. His eyes moved from the paper on the floor to Kaveh’s finger and back to his face, “If this is how your ideals lead you to act, I’m afraid there won’t be much for the future of the Light of Kshahrewar.” He watched as Kaveh’s mouth fell open in shock right before he turned around and quickly left the room without looking back.
Alhaitham walked in silence back to his room, holding himself together with every long stride as he experienced the whiplash of how the best of his life became the worst day in just minutes. If he felt his eyes begin to burn, he ignored it until he was back in his room and every pencil, pen, and paper on his desk found their way to the floor.
It was okay to be with Kaveh, but not anymore. All because a Haravatat scholar just couldn’t help but to use his words.