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Growing up, Ahsoka didn’t think her childhood was strange. She didn’t have enough self awareness to think anything of the sort.
But it didn’t take long to feel the weight of knowing what others’ childhoods looked like.
She meets Rex for the first time when she’s in fifth grade and Kat still makes attempts to come to her concerts and sign her up for clubs; this particular club she’d agreed to easier than Ahsoka thought, and now she’s holding a plastic bow in one hand and an arrow in the other.
Rex is beside her as she struggles to put the two together. “Here,” he tells her, taking the arrow and nocking it for her. She puffs out her cheeks at the uninvited help, but takes the bow back and ignores him.
She shoots. She misses. A second time, a third, and she hasn’t hit the target. “You’re focusing too much on the target,” the boy tells her. He already has a few arrows in the target.
“And what am I supposed to focus on?” she bites back.
He isn’t phased. “The bow. You aren’t pulling the arrow back far enough.”
“Oh,” she mumbles. She pulls further this time, taking a moment to check that everything the instructor had taught is being put into action. She aims, fires. The arrow lands with a soft thwack in the target.
The instructor congratulates her, but the smile of the boy a grade above her means much more.
As soon as she hits middle school and starts having classes with Rex, she considers them friends.
“Wanna come work on homework?” he asks her one day after school. He usually gets a ride home from his older brother, but had canceled today, and instead had to walk home. She doesn’t know where he lives but they’re going in the direction of her house for the moment. “My brothers usually help me with algebra.”
She shrugs. “Sure, I’ll just have to call my aunt when I get there.” She didn’t have a cell phone and neither did Rex, so her school-provided laptop and Google Hangouts usually sufficed. But Aunt Kat would at least want to know where she went when she comes home after dinner, if she’s still not home.
They’re reaching closer and closer to Ahsoka’s street. “Where do you live?” she finally asks.
“Top of Bate’s Hill.”
She comically gasps if only for the joke. “No way, I’m on Bates Loop!” The street is conveniently the loop at the bottom of the hill Rex’s street is named after. The ‘hill’ mentioned is barely more than an incline, but it’s still a trudge up from the bottom, and by the time they reach the top Ahsoka can feel the sweat on her back underneath her school bag.
For someone Ahsoka knows has a ton of brothers, the house is rather small from the outside. The front yard houses a handful of bikes and the driveway three cars, all worse for wear. She follows Rex past the front door and to the garage, where he shoves open the screen door.
“Hey Mom,” he calls out, “Are you downstairs?”
“Coming hun,” a woman’s voice calls back. They enter into a kitchen, and Ahsoka trips briefly over a pair of shoes; she can only hope no one saw. Taking it as a sign to take her shoes off, she toes them to the side where Rex does the same.
“How was your day?” the woman says, a basket of laundry on her hip that she sets on the floor by the entry a moment after she sees Ahsoka. “Oh, we have guests! Come on in, Rex, introduce me!”
Ahsoka grips onto her backpack straps as Rex says, “Mom, this is Ahsoka. We’re going to work on some algebra homework.”
“Of course, go right ahead. It’s good to meet you Ahsoka.”
The woman has a kind smile and hair not unlike Ahsoka’s, coily and a little untamed. She’s plump and tall and comforting to be around.
She seems quite a bit different than aunt Kat. Kat has this sense that she doesn’t want to be around you, no matter who you are or where she is. She’s thin and tall and Ahsoka’s pretty sure she’s high when she comes home from work some nights.
Mrs. Fett doesn’t look that way at all.
They started working on homework after Ahsoka left her aunt a voicemail, but it doesn’t take long for them to end up on Rex’s back porch with glasses of lemonade. Mrs. Fett has to pick up the youngest kids from the grade school in a few minutes so they’re told to stay inside or the backyard while she goes. Cody, a boy a few grades above Rex, and Fox, a grade above him, are both upstairs in their rooms. Rex tells her about the living situation; him and Cody share a room, Fox and Wolfe share, and the twins, Fives and Echo (Ahsoka knows they’re in her grade but she’s never interacted with them) share the third bedroom. Their mother, Ahsoka assumes, has a room, but he never mentions it.
“It sounds like it’s pretty busy here,” she says, a little oblivious to the situation. She’s been sharing a room with her aunt as long as she could remember, shoving the two of them in the same one bedroom apartment all these years. Ahsoka’s never known differently.
Rex shrugs in response. “It can be, I guess, but it’s pretty normal. We all get along just fine or else it’d be a lot harder.”
“And you like it?”
“Like what?”
“Having a big family.”
Rex doesn’t respond right away, but he’s not uncomfortable with the question. “Yeah, I like it. There’s always someone around to help you when osik hits the fan.”
She pauses. “Osik?”
“Uh, it means crap. In Mando’a.”
“Oh, I haven’t taken Mando’a yet. I know a little Togruti, though. Only from my aunt, the school doesn’t teach it like Mando’a.”
“That sucks.”
“Yeah, but I can always learn more if I want to. Does your family speak any Mando’a?” Seeing as they’re Mandalorian, she can only assume.
“My mom speaks it pretty fluently, and Cody and Fox do, but it’s only ‘cause my dad did. I wasn’t really old enough for him to teach me much before he left.”
“I don’t have a dad either,” Ahsoka blurts out. She isn’t sure why, and nearly regrets it, but she so rarely finds someone who understands that sort of pain. “Or a mom, though. Just my aunt.”
“I’m sorry. It’s not a fun club to be in.”
That makes her laugh into her lemonade. “Yeah, pretty awful club.”
It’s a strange sort of camaraderie, but it’s still good.
========
Her hair is a mess. She hasn’t had time to do anything to it, wash or detangle or throw it in braids or anything. Just a ponytail that she’s been redoing for a week.
Finally, as the school year winds down, Ahsoka has time to notice and despise it. She’s staring at her own hair in the school bathroom mirror that Friday, wondering why no one had yet said anything about a rat’s nest.
She complains to Rex as they walk to his house. “I haven’t had the time or energy to do anything to it, so my hair just ended up one big, oily, fuzzball.”
“I’m sure my mom could give you some help,” he adds. He seems to bite back whatever else he wants to say, but decides he’s already started, he might as well finish. “Her hair’s a lot like yours, so she probably knows what you could do with it.”
She shrugs. “I might ask her,” Ahsoka tells him. His mom is comfortable, there’s no reason not to.
So, when Mrs. Fett shows up with the youngest after school ends for them, Ahsoka asks, “Do you know what I should do with my hair?” She bites back her regret. She probably could have phrased that better. “I haven’t been taking care of it and I really don’t know where to start.”
“Oh, let me help!” she adds instantly, hanging up her purse on the wall hooks drowning in coats. “I’d be happy to help you style it, and I have all the products needed if you’d like help washing—”
It’s a little awkward, but at this point, Ahsoka will take awkward. Mrs. Fett helps detangle the matts at the bottom of her scalp, and sits her down in front of the TV with Rex who shows her the first two episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender. She asks, “Do you want braids? I haven’t been able to do them on people for a while, but I used to be real good with box braids.”
“That sounds good,” she replies.
So, while she and Rex are sat on their living room floor, Ahsoka gets to feel Mrs. Fett’s trained hands weaving plaits into her hair, and wonder if this is what family actually feels like.
========
“What if I run into a tree?”
“You won’t run into a tree.”
“But I don’t know how much speed I’ll get with the gas pedal and I could just—”
“Ahsoka,” Wolfe tells her, both exasperation and understanding in his gaze, “I won’t let that happen. Just put your foot on the break, shift into drive, and feel it out.”
“I hate you.”
She puts her foot on the break and her hand on the gearshift anyway.
========
She calls Fox in the bathroom of the high school. She’s never called him before.
“Ahsoka, what’s going on?”
She isn’t even sure he knows where she is, let alone why she’s calling him barely an hour into her junior prom. Her breath hitches but she forces herself to speak. “Can you come get me?”
“High school?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll be there in ten. Do you need me to stay on the phone?”
“No, I’ll be alright.”
“Okay, I’ll text you when I’m outside.”
She could have told Rex what happened. She could have said she wasn’t feeling well and he’d have driven the two of them home. She knows for a fact that if she asked, he’d have come.
But he was with his friends, and she’d watched him catch the eye of one of the girls in her year, and she wasn’t going to jeopardize that. She just sent him a quick, I’m headed out, text.
She feels her phone buzz and expects it to be Fox, when it’s instead Rex. I’ll drive you home, he offers. Front entrance?
It’s fine, I have a ride. She doesn’t mention that her ride is his older brother. Before she can send the text, there’s a knock at the door. Her heart lurches in her chest. Him, it’s him, I know it’s him—
“Ahsoka?”
Rex. Not ideal, but she can breathe. Ahsoka unlocks the door and carefully joins him in the hall. She’s suddenly far too aware of her surroundings. It’s easier with Rex here, though.
“Are you feeling okay?”
She shakes her head. None of what she tells him is a lie: “No, I’m just sort of nauseous and I have a headache, so it’d really be better if I went home—”
“I’ll drive you,” he offers immediately.
“It’s fine, I already have a ride.” It’s your brother, she doesn’t say, but he’ll figure it out eventually. She doesn’t care.
“D’you want me to stick around till you leave?” he asks instead. She nods because she thinks she can breathe again. It eases the ache in her chest.
“Please,” she tells him. Soon, headlights shine through the glass front doors, and a buzz of her phone tells her it’s Fox. By the look on his face, Rex knows who it is. “I’ll see you.”
“Are you headed back to our place?” he asks suddenly. “I know mom wouldn’t mind.”
“Uh…” She swallows back the please, yes, I want to feel okay, and instead replies, “I don’t know.”
Rex doesn’t ask for a different answer. “I’ll let her know you’re coming.”
“Thank you,” she whispers.
“I’ll walk you out. I’m headed out soon anyway.”
“You can stay, Rex—”
“It’s fine,” he tells her, a kind smile on his face as he pushes the front doors open. “I’m just gonna let my friends know I’m leaving and then I’ll be home right after. I was already planning on leaving soon, I promise.”
Okay. Okay, she can be fine with that. Fox’s truck, a hideous but annoying practical thing, is parked in the bus lane when they approach. Rex opens the door for her and Fox just grunts his thanks at him.
“I’ll see you soon, ‘kay?”
“Sure,” she tells him, hopping up and gathering her dress from around her feet. It’s slim, but still annoyingly hard to move in. She’d loved the style though and wouldn’t spring for anything more practical.
Rex shuts the door for her. “What’s going on, kid?” Fox asks her. She likes car ride conversations. No eye contact needed. He throws the truck in drive and though it starts off loud, the growl it gives dulls to a background hum.
“My date sucks,” is all she tells him.
“What else is prom good for if not exposing your real friends?” he jokes. “Do I need to bash any heads?” She pauses. It would certainly be satisfying. “Kid? Do I need to go to the police? You’ve never entertained murder before.”
“No bashing of heads,” she decides. “But I might sick Fives on him later.” A bucket of flour on his head would be fun to see.
“Okay, but tell me if you change your mind.”
She can still feel his hands. Maybe she’ll be angry later, but now she just needs to be safe. She just needs to feel the fear melt away.
“I hope you know I’m taking you to our place. I’m not about to leave you alone, and Mom would personally rip my hair out if I didn’t.”
She snorts something towards a laugh. “That’s fine.”
“Want anything while we’re out?”
“Huh?”
Fox shrugs. “I don’t know, gas station sandwich, gas station coffee, gas station slushie—can you tell I need gas?”
This actually forces a laugh out of her, and she replies, “That’s alright, I’m not hungry.”
“Yell if anyone looks at you,” he says before getting out of the car, locking the door behind him. He leans against the car as he fills up the tank.
Ahsoka wonders what he’d do if that happened. If an old man caught sight of her in her low cut prom dress and sparkly makeup and grinned at her like a piece of meat. She knows he has a military background, remembers when he came back last year, she’s sure the man wouldn’t ever look at anyone again if Fox knew.
She can’t tell him about Lux. He wouldn’t have hands to touch her after Fox found out.
========
Mrs. Fett throws a pair of pajama pants and a too-big t-shirt at her like this is normal. It’s becoming so.
Kat doesn’t care where she ends up; she doesn’t even bother with a text this time, she’d barely remembered prom was tonight at all. For all she knows (and cares) Ahsoka is spending the night at her date’s house, drunk off contraband alcohol.
Ahsoka’s never been a rule breaker, but a drink sounds nice right about now.
(A night with Lux, however, sounds far less appealing.)
Mrs Fett tells her, as she always does when things of this nature occur, “If you need anything at all, you know where I’ll be. Don’t hesitate to wake one of us up, okay?”
Ahsoka nods, like she always does. “Yes, thank you ma’am.”
“My name is Lisha, sweetheart,” she jokes yet again. The day Ahsoka calls her by her first name is the day pigs fly.
The house is dimly lit, the youngest of the house already in bed, and the older ones shut in for the night, sans her, Fox, Mrs Fett, and Cody, who sits on the living room couch with what appears to be a foil wrapped burrito in his hand.
He catches sight of her early on, giving her a nod, but nothing else. When she changes out of her itchy dress and washes her makeup off in the bathroom sink (which is considerably harder than she thought it would be), Cody’s still sitting there, now accompanied by Fox in a chair beside him. She joins Cody on the couch.
“Hey kiddo, how was the night?” She leans on his shoulder in lieu of an answer. The other brothers have always been strange about contact, but not Cody. Cody knows she’s lacked it her whole life, understands the feeling, probably, and lets her use him as a pillow whenever she needs to. It’s rather often. “That bad?”
“Fox, do you promise not to rip anyone’s limbs off?”
That catches both of their attention. Fox nods somberly.
“My date got handsy. I didn’t know what to do.” If the room could become more silent, it does. She curls further in on herself. “I really didn’t expect him to do anything like that so I wasn’t prepared—”
“Ahsoka,” Cody says quietly, wrapping an arm around her. “It’s okay, I understand. It’s not your fault.”
“I told him no,” she whispers. “I really did. But he still kissed me.”
“I’m so sorry,” Fox tells her quietly. She looks up but he’s not looking at her. “You shouldn’t have had to—” He takes a breath. “That’s not something you should have to deal with.”
“You promised—”
“I’m not ripping any limbs off,” he assures her. “But if he ever looks at you—”
“I’ll kick him in the nuts,” she promises.
“Poke him in the eyes,” Cody adds.
“And an elbow to the ribs. The elbow is the strongest point on your body, you know.”
Rex enters minutes later as Fox recalls a story of learning the hard way why the elbow really is the strongest point. Ahsoka’s still tucked into Cody’s side when Rex shucks off his shoes.
“How was it?” Cody asks his brother politely, knowing neither of them care about Rex at that moment.
“Fine. Not worth the ticket prices.” He pulls off his half-knotted tie and starts unbuttoning his shirt, Ahsoka being quietly grateful he has a white undershirt beneath it. He plops down on the couch beside the two of them.
Ahsoka tucks her bare feet under his thigh. If he notices, he doesn’t seem to care.
“You good?” he finally asks her. She nods. It’s not true, but when he says good she hears safe and that she is certain is true. “Lux asked me what happened to you, told him you were sick. Did you not tell him?”
She shakes her head.
“If Lux knows what’s good for him,” Fox grumbles, “He’ll stay a mile away from every single one of us at all times.”
“What did he do?” Rex asks immediately.
“It’s nothing Rex,” she tries to tell him. “He got handsy and I didn’t—”
“I’ll kill him,” he interrupts.
Cody straightens in his seat. “Rex. She doesn’t need your anger, she needs you. ”
Ahsoka’s used to them speaking in Mando’a she doesn’t understand, but it still makes her mad. Whatever he says, Rex settles, and it feels okay to relax again.
“Want tea?” he asks instead. “I’m gonna make some.”
“Sure, d’you have honey?” He nods. “I’ll take some, thanks.”
Eventually the night will grow long and the four of them will part so they can sleep, and Ahsoka will have to feel the phantom hands on her body, but right now she is sitting with brothers in everything but blood, tea in hand, listening to their conversation like it’s normal.
Maybe it can be.
Maybe it is.