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The date had been wonderful, even Gray couldn't dispute that. The weather perfectly warm, the sky a beautiful brilliant blue, and Ellie-- Well Ellie was always magnificent, but during the date she had been the most dazzling thing in existence. So why did Grayson feel--
Empty or colorless. That was how to described it. Sorta. Except it wasn't really. It was more like a brown resigned, or maybe a gray despondent. This feeling was coupled with another. One even worse, if possible.
The flaming mauve of guilt.
Grayson had dealt with guilt often enough. It was part of why he apologized so much. But this guilt was different. Most guilt came from not meeting everyone's standards; this guilt came from falling short on his own. Very short. Short in such a way that it wouldn't only hurt him, but it would hurt Ellie too, which hurt Grayson even more so.
It was this soul-wrenching guilt that had brought him where he was now. The school's scrap metal workshop. He didn't come here often, preferring to work in his room where he wasn't going to take up anyone's space, but there were times he needed more grueling work than his tools at home could withstand. Like now.
Grayson's phone sat atop an anvil next to him while he pounded away at a sheet of metal. Much larger than he normally worked with, Grayson was hoping to turn the thin piece into a new handle for his dad's pickaxe. It might start to make up for the disappointment he'd brought home earlier that week.
Such was the intensity of his pounding that Grayson didn't notice the phone ringing, for the 12th time in the past hour. Even if he had noticed, it was unlikely Gray would have answered. The call was forced to join the graveyard of hundreds of similar missed calls from the past few days. All of them were from the same two people, Eros and Ellie. Grayson had ignored them all, knowing talking to Eros would make him regret not talking to Ellie, and talking to Ellie would hurt them both more. He only had a couple of classes with either of them and some careful maneuvering had thankfully stopped any confrontations. He wasn't sure when he'd stop, but sometime after a decade sounded like an okay plan. By then Ellie should be moved on, maybe married with kids, and Eros will have done so many other matchmaker things that he'd forget Gray had ever gone out with Ellie. At least that was the hope.
The teen boy's phone gave another insistent ring. He heard it this time, but didn't care to answer. Instead Grayson shifted his grip on the metal, which was slowly starting to display images of porcupines, which, surprise surprise, being the prickly grumpy animals they were, sat as his father's favorite.
His metal working wasn't as practiced as his jewelry making, but it still was fairly decent. It was one of the few things Grayson thought he could do well. At least, he could when he stayed focused. He paid for his momentary lapse with a smashed finger.
Surprised, he threw down the hammer and sucked on the injured digit. Still in pain, but suddenly in a quiet room, Grayson cast an appraising look over the project. It was coming along, admittedly not as well or as quickly as he had hoped, but along all the same.
His phone rang again, the tune cutting through the newly silenced room. *You are my sunshine; my only sunshine...*
Grayson didn't move. Ellie would stop calling soon. He was sure of it. Nobody cared enough to keep extended contact with Grayson. Even now, Ellie was probably texting 13 other people while pretending to attempt to call Gray, all of whom were probably much better examples of humans and were definitely not cockroaches.
As soon as the ringtone stopped, it started back up again, mere seconds between the two calls. Grayson winced. Why couldn't she realize he'd accepted his place in this world? He, Grayson Dwarf, didn't have friends. Nobody liked him and trying to force himself on them just made him a greater inconvenience. He was giving her a free pass, a chance to ditch him before he became more of a problem. But sweet, stubborn, Ellie refused to let Grayson hide in his cave of self isolation.
Finger still sore, Grayson reached over and turned his phone on silent. It wouldn't pay to get distracted again. Especially over something he had no intention of answering. It would be better this way, Gray was sure of it.
Grayson lost track of time, becoming fully immersed in his project. It was a state of being he was used to, looked forward to even. Once he became involved enough in his work, he didn't have time to think about his failures. Didn't have time to regret his actions. And for right now, didn't have time to wrestle with his feelings and the implications of the date he went on.
Because of this, it came as a huge shock to Grayson when someone tapped his shoulder. The hammer and awl he had so diligently been using flew through the air, almost skewering his unexpected visitor.
"I'm sorry!" Grayson yelped, before even turning all the way around. "You startled me because you were so quiet. Sorry! Are you alri--"
Grayson finally managed to turn all the way around and his voice trailed off. In front of him stood Ellie, a fierce gleam in her brown eyes, hands firmly planted on her hips, and flushed cheeks. She gave a small smile, then seemed to remember that she was mad at Grayson.
"I'm fine. Physically at least. But Gray, I'm really hurting emotionally. Why won't you answer any of my calls?" She turned her phone to him. The screen showed her recent calls. The top five were all labeled Graydawg 💙 ⛏ and had numbers following them ranging from 5 to 89 (with such ones as 13, 25, 7 inbetween )
Grayson winced again and looked at his shoes. "I'm sorry Ellie. I should of answered. I just didn't know what to say."
"Just say hey! And then explain why you're avoiding me. Was the date really that bad?"
"No the date was wonderful!"
"Is it me then? Do you just not like me?"
"Of course I like you!" Grayson burst out, before taking a deep calming breath. "Sorry I didn't mean to yell. You aren't the problem, Ellie."
"Then why on earth are you pretending I don't exist? Why won't you talk to me?" Ellie tried to put her hand on Grayson's shoulder, but he jerked away. She pulled her hand back to her side, lip trembling. A tear pulled at the corner of her eye. "Grayson, please. I want to understand. What was so awful about the date? How did I mess up? I thought you enjoyed it."
"I did enjoy it; that's the problem!"
In response Ellie merely gave the boy a puzzled look.
He dragged one hand down his face and nibbled on his lip.
"I like you a lot," He finally said. "And I loved our date. It was incredible. But I know who I am." Grayson started picking at the skin around his thumbnail, skin that was already raw. "I know what I've done, how I've inconvenienced peoples lives. I know the burden that my presence brings, and I don't want to force that on you. You don't deserve that problem. And I don't deserve to have a good time. I don't deserve to be happy. "
Grayson's head drooped, eyes trailing the floor but refusing to focus on Ellie. His words sat between them like a boulder. Heavy and immovable.
Ellie let the silence sit for about a minute before giving a small, sad laugh. "How can you joke at a time like this?"
"Sorry. What part of that was a joke?" Grayson swiftly glanced at Ellie, but even more hurriedly looked back down.
"The fact that you don't deserve to be happy? That joke?" Ellie gave another laugh, but this one sounded forced and almost angry.
Grayson turned a bit further away. "I don't deserve happiness."
"Can't you just drop the joke already? I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you."
"There is no joke. Other people deserve that happiness; I don't."
Had Grayson been watching Ellie's face he would have seen the slight scowl drop into a concerned frown. Timidly, she reached for his shoulder once more. "You don't really believe that, do you? Everyone deserves happiness Gray."
Gray pulled his shoulder out of her grip. "Yeah well I'm not everyone, am I? I'm Grayson Dwarf, the cave cockroach who makes everyone's life worse. Why'd you ever go out with me? Why do you even care?".
"You're not a cockroach! I went out with you because I like you. That's it! That's the reason. I care about you Gray! I want to be with you. I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy together."
"Sorry but 'happy' and 'Grayson' shouldn't describe each other. Trust me, I've learned the lesson okay? Its been drilled into me since I was a child. So I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you want. I want you to be happy," Grayson said, refusing to meet Ellie's eyes, "which is why I can't be with you. I'll apologize for now, but eventually you'll thank me."
Ellie pinched the bridge of her nose. "So let me get this straight. You enjoyed our date, correct?"
She waited for Grayson to nod his head.
"And you do like me?"
Another nod sent a small flutter down Ellie's spine.
"But you don't think happiness is achievable?"
"It's achievable. Just not for roaches like me. We don't deserve it."
"Gray, what do you feel when you're with me?"
Grayson felt his cheeks heat up. He'd never been good at expressing feelings. It required him to take up some metaphorical emotional real estate. More than, at least what Grayson viewed as, his fair share. And when he did get the courage to take up some of that space, all he could think of were the colors that accompanied his feelings, not really the feelings themselves. Especially with those emotions he felt less frequently. "I feel lots of things," He said cautiously.
"Like what?"
"Grape-- I mean, nervous that I'm going to mess up? Tyedyed or confused why you're hanging out with me?" As each statement came out as more of a question, Grayson's ears started to burn. "Mainly though I feel.... I dunno...." Grayson nibbled on his lip. The last feeling Ellie brought him didn't really have a name he could think of.
"Feel what? Please tell me."
"Green."
"Green?" Ellie asked, alarmed. "Like sick?"
"No not sick, sorry. Like the forest on a warm afternoon, or the way the water out in the distance looks still and calm, or like my bedroom after a really rough day."
Ellie tilted her head, obviously puzzling over his words.
"Sorry. I'm not good at describing things. I don't know what I feel. The only word that comes to mind is green. Sorry."
"It sounds like you're describing peace, or euphoria."
"Euphoria?"
"Happiness. You feel all that when you're with me?" Ellie's eyes glittered.
Ashamed, Grayson shook his head.
"But Grayson! That's wonderful!"
"It is?"
"Yes! It means your heart wants it! It means happiness is achievable for you."
"Sorry. Just because I can achieve it, doesn't mean I should."
"You deserve to be happy a thousand times over. And I'm going to help you!"
"Sorry. Why?"
"Because when I'm with you, I feel green too." Ellie flung her arms around Grayson's neck, tightly squeezing the air from his chest.
"You do?" Gray asked in disbelief.
"Of course I do! And we'll get you to feel it with other stuff too. I'm going to be a girlfriend that can help you feel green all the time."
"Girlfriend?"
Ellie's only response was to giggle and kiss his lips. Grayson's head spun, and he felt like he was floating. The soothing green he felt started having fireworks of lavender explode through out it. Grayson didn't know what the lavender feeling meant, but he liked how it mixed with the green. It felt filling and later, he would study it. But for now he was content to be in Ellie' arms. His girlfriend's arms. The word felt right. He smiled and tipped his head into the crock of her neck and shoulder. The sheet of metal porcupines lay forgotten behind them.