Chapter Text
The defeat alone was not what hurt the most. Definitely, losing was bad, but it wasn't the worst. The looks hurt much, much more.
Riley already felt defeated long before the referee blew the whistle for the end of the game. The missed shot by her that could have provided a draw and a realistic chance of winning was the culmination of failure, of course, but Riley had lost that final long before the game started. Maybe it was when she lied to her parents about being sick and sneaking out to a party among the Firehawks, or when she didn't show up for Grace's birthday to train until exhaustion — which has now turned out to be pointless. In the end, it didn't matter. Riley had already failed before entering the rink.
When you win, the sound and noise of the celebration are deafening. It is the last game of the championship, the grand final; It takes a dignified celebration after so much effort, sweat and blood spent to achieve such a result. When it gets lost, it is a terrifying silence that is present. Yet, in a contradictory way, the sound of the victory of others did not disappear completely; The silence of failure could not prevent the euphoric cries of success from reaching the ears of the losers. At least, such a sound was overshadowed, if only a little. It was as if God realized that it was too much sadism on his part and that he should torture them less. Silence was enough to bring them down.
Riley, in particular, felt that this silence cut her from the inside out. She blinked hard as she watched the opposing team celebrate the title. The tears kept falling. An incomprehensible and inaudible scream was born and died the instant in his throat, becoming nothing more than a sob. There were many emotions acting at the same time. Fury, failure, envy, anxiety, sadness, and disappointment. All forming that Riley that stood there, static in the middle of the ice.
It was supposed to be for her there, hugging her teammates. Hugging Val, his captain. It should be Riley who would lift the cup, consecrated by the point of the tie and the beginning of the comeback. They did not deserve this end. None of them deserved this. But here they were. Tired, exhausted, frustrated and above all, defeated. The effort of many will be obliterated, all because an idiotic and stupid teenager wanted to solve the most decisive move for herself. And he didn't succeed.
It hurt Riley too much to know that his selfishness will not only frustrate her, but also disappoint her team.
Soon, the notion of time had been lost. For Riley, that moment never seemed to end. The portrait of her greatest failure was forever immortalized in her memory and something in the core of her mind told her that this image would always accompany her, no matter where the girl went.
She was a loser.
The next thing she knew, Riley was in the locker room, along with the other girls. The atmosphere of tension was almost palpable. The only things that could be heard were the sobs and the crying of the athletes. The veterans and more experienced tried to console the newcomers. However, no one was consoling Riley. After all, it was her fault for all this disaster. She didn't deserve consolation. Of course, until now, no one had said that, but Riley knew, how could she not know? They all blamed her and hated her now; they would probably continue to hate her for the rest of their lives for their terrible and irreparable mistake. Months of training and hard work would not be rewarded, and for some, this had been their last chance; A chance wasted by arrogance and the desire to have the protagonism for herself of an imbecile newbie.
"Jessy, calm down, don't go there," one girl said, trying to stop another from getting up. "You don't want to do anything stupid."
Jessy didn't seem to mind the request, as she just took the girl's hand off her shoulder. "Fuck, I'm not going to pretend it's okay!"
She walked to where Riley was, alone on a remote bench. "Hey, Minnesota!" Called. Riley seemed to come out of his trance to face the girl.
"Hm?" That was all he could grumble.
Jessy clenched her jaw in anger. In addition to being selfish and a failure, Riley looked ridiculous in Jessy's eyes. This only gave him even more hatred. "Thanks for being a dumb bitch and fucking with our game." And then Jessy punched Riley who hit her nose and threw her back.
Everyone present turned to see the confusion, perplexed. Lindesey, the girl who tried in vain to keep Jessy from doing something stupid, now looked very worried and trembling. "Jessy, what the fuck?!" Screamed. Some other girls went to Jessy and grabbed her, to prevent her from doing anything more to Riley.
"Let me go, fuck!" Jessy screamed, thrashing. "It's the fault of this imbecile that we lost!" He shouted, pointing to Riley who was cornered on the ground. The tears of sadness and frustration now mingled with those of pain and fear.
The team's goalkeeper walked up to Riley, worried about the girl's injury. His nose was bleeding profusely and his eyes were paralyzed, bewildered. Riley was very scared. His hands steady on the ground and his survival instinct sharpened. Fear and adrenaline now ran through his veins.
"Jessy, are you going crazy? Look what you did to her!" The goalkeeper scolded. "You broke her nose because of a fucking game!"
"Fuck! It wasn't just a game, it was the last game!" Now the one who was crying was Jessy, in an involuntary attempt by her body to put all this sadness and stress out. "It was our last dance, the last time we could all play together! And this wretched slut ruined everything!" He screamed in the middle of his tears. "It's all your fault, Riley! The coach should never have let you join this team! You don't deserve to wear this shirt!"
Riley couldn't say anything. His characteristic blue eyes were flooded with tears. The guilt was enormous and Jessy's words proved what Riley felt and knew. It was fucked up with everything. It was all her fault.
"Get her out of here, please!" Megan, the hitherto unnamed goalkeeper, ordered. "You, get the first aid kit from the closet, we have to take care of it."
The next few minutes passed like a movie. Riley didn't feel like she was alive and things just happened before her vision. Megan managed to make the bleeding stop. She gave Riley some tissues to wipe the blood from her nose and instructed her to stand with her head tilted forward. He also told me to press my nose for a while and to breathe through my mouth. After that, things in the locker room calmed down, although they were no less tense. One after the other, the athletes left, accepting that they had lost. Megan asked Riley if she wanted a ride home or if she knew her parents' number for her to call, but the girl gave her no answer. As time passed, even Megan gave up on Riley and left her alone in the locker room.
The moments of the match played through his mind, like a replay. All the moves she made, everything she could have done better on them, the fouls she could have avoided committing. Riley reviewed and relived every moment of the match, until he reached the fateful moment. She had managed to win one of the duels and was close to the net area. The two opposing defenders were running after her, desperate. The goalkeeper looked pale, as if she knew that there was an end, Riley would score. At a glance, Riley saw Val, his captain and personal inspiration. She was free, asking Riley to play. It was a safer chance, no one was marking Val and certainly the goalkeeper would not be aware of it. However, Riley had not scored any points in that game yet. She wanted to score, so she could proudly tell her parents that she had won the final, that she had made it. It was with this in mind that Riley ignored Val and did his bidding. In the most decisive moment, Riley missed.
Now, alone in the locker room, with a bruised nose and a broken spirit, Riley felt even worse than she already was. She remembered how Val looked at her right after she missed the shot. Her best friend, her greatest example, and her passion looked at Riley in a way the girl from Minnesota would never forget.
Riley had disappointed Val.
"I thought you'd be here."
It was eleven o'clock at night when Valentina met Riley. The parents of the youngest were desperate about the disappearance of their daughter, who showed no sign of life after the defeat. They called the team's coach and she, without a shred of desire to go around looking for a confused teenager, called Val.
The coach spent a lot of time with the girls, so she knew well that Valentina Ortiz was the closest to a sister that Riley had. The blonde was fascinated by Val, almost obsessed. She listened carefully to everything Valentina said, followed her every step and tried to do things as Val did. In the coach's view, all this was a great exaggeration, but for Riley, Val was too important.
And the feeling was not one-sided.
The moment Val met Riley, she felt something, a kind of rare and unique connection. There was Riley, all anxious and clumsy, trying not to freak out in the middle of the unknown and, in a glimpse of the past, Val saw herself in her. There was a clear, instantaneous identification. As Val got to know Riley, a sense of protection and security grew within her. She became attached to the girl and her emotional way of being. Many criticized Riley for being too sensitive, but Val didn't see it as a weakness; sure, this trait of Riley's made her very vulnerable at times, but that's a quality Valentina really wanted to have. This made Riley really live and feel life as it should be.
However, in moments like this, all Riley wanted was to be normal.
"I'm sorry it took me so long, I... it wasn't okay either," Val said, sitting next to Riley, who was leaning against the wall. They were on the school's terrace. Supposedly the entry of students there was prohibited, especially at night, but Val had shown Riley a while ago that the lock on the gate that gave access to the place was much more decorative than functional. Since then, that had become their place.
Riley had his head sunk between his knees. She didn't show any reaction when Val arrived. She wasn't ready to face Val. Not after failing her.
"I think like you I needed a break. You know, to process everything," Val said. His gaze immersed in the contrast between the lights of the city and the darkness of the night.
It was very cold up there. Even though they were both still wearing the cozy—sweaty—hockey uniform, Val occasionally found herself shivering at the howling of the wind. The older one thought that Riley must have been feeling the same way.
"When it was over, I... I couldn't face you or the other girls, I couldn't get into the locker room." Val was trying to straighten her hair that was flying in the wind. "You know, even with that, this year was very good. I loved playing with you. And honestly I'm sorry, more so much than us-"
"No. Stop," Riley finally said. Val looked at her attentively. The youngest still had her head down. "Please don't act like it was your fault," he urged.
"Riley...," Val tried to say, but the girl from Minnesota went on.
"Stop, Val. Please...", he said in a choked voice. "Please stop pretending to be nice to me. I know I've fucked up, so please just hate me and leave me alone."
Valentina's heart trembled at the statement. Her eyes blinked a few times and she felt a tremendous urge to cry. It hurt him too much to see Riley like this in this state. The pain was even greater to see her try to carry all the guilt. Once again, Valentina found herself in Riley. So she stayed strong.
"I don't hate you, Riley." His voice sounded firm. Her brown eyes were fixed on the blonde. Valentina was fully focused on Riley. "I will never hate you and I want you to pay close attention, please." She took a deep breath. "That wasn't your fault. If we lost today, it was because they were better than us, period. There's nothing else to do, that's what sport is about."
"But I could have touched it!" Riley shouted, finally raising her head and staring Val in the eyes.
Riley's face was red, slightly swollen from the crying and tears that once again welled up in her eyes. Although it didn't ease the pain in her chest, Valentina already expected Riley to be in this state, but what scared her was the bruised and swollen nose. "Riley, what happened-"
"I could have done it differently! I could have played for you and we would have equalized!" She raged, not even caring what Val said. "We could be eating pizza right now and celebrating, doing anything else, I don't know. But I blew it. Me." Riley closed her eyes tightly, taking a deep breath, before continuing. "So please don't lie to me! Not you! I saw it in your eyes, you know I blew it!"
Val was perplexed. If before his heart hurt, now it didn't even beat anymore. An overwhelming guilt struck her self and made her let out a lonely tear against her will. Riley watched it without understanding. She had never seen Val cry.
"I'm sorry, Riley. Please," he managed to say in the midst of much difficulty. Her voice had come out low and confused, so much so that if Riley hadn't had her ears wide open, she wouldn't have even heard her captain's plea.
Val tried to compose herself.
Omitting the truth was one thing, but really, Valentina couldn't lie, not to Riley. Val had a lot of expectations in Riley, even though she avoided showing it so much so as not to put too much pressure on the younger one. She saw in Andersen a chance to help someone in a situation very similar to hers at that age not to make the same mistakes as her. Val wanted to spare Riley as much as she could. He wanted to train her with everything he knew. In the end, even though she didn't admit it, she wanted Riley to be better than she was.
So soon, it was impossible not to feel disappointed the moment Riley screwed up. However, it was not Riley that Val was disappointed with. It was up to you.
"Can I trust you with a secret?" Val asked, showing a downcast smile.
Riley nodded, but didn't say anything.
"There's nothing in the world I hate more than to lose." She took the hair tie out of her pocket after giving up fighting the wind. "When we lose, I usually give a speech and tell the girls that we only learn from mistakes, defeats. But...", he took a deep breath, "damn, I don't learn anything from defeat. All I feel is anger and sadness." Val laughed.
The blonde watched that uneasily. She bent her legs more and wrapped them in a strong embrace. "So you lied to us?" He asked finally, with some hurt in his voice.
Val promptly shook his head. "I don't consider it a lie. Without making mistakes, there is no way for us to see our flaws so that we can improve them. But that's the point, Riley." She gave another weak smile. "I don't want to make mistakes. If I fail at something, it means I'm not good enough yet. And I think you feel the same, don't you?"
The youngest nodded, half embarrassed. "yes, I think so."
"Well, then you can get it out of your head that I hate you or something. Losing like that was shit, yes, but it happens. The truth is that when we play as a team, there is no me or you, there is us. We win as a team and lose as a team, in the end, the blame or success of a match is everyone's responsibility, no matter how much we can make individual mistakes," Val said, her voice adopting a more confident tone.
The tear that had been shed before was now nothing more than just a memory, and even the remnants of it were overshadowed by the steadfastness and confidence Val exuded. "I didn't want you to feel so pressured like that and I don't want you to carry that feeling alone. So please let me make your yoke lighter."
Without even realizing it, Riley felt a little better, even though she was still immersed in guilt. Sadness ran through his chest and blurred his vision. Instinctively, Riley turned to Val and sought shelter in a strong, cozy embrace. The eldest didn't even blink in surprise or discomfort. Val returned Riley's hug with the same intensity, welcoming the lowest one into her arms. She was there for her friend and wanted Riley to know that.
The guilt did not disappear, but second after second, it became more bearable. There, wrapped in Val's arms, everything was easier. "Thank you."
Valentina ran her hand through Riley's blonde hair, caressing the girl. "I'm here for you. When I want to talk or do anything, I'll be here. I will never abandon you, Riley."
Riley sobbed a little as she cried. Now the tears fell more for relief, almost as if a weight had been lifted from his back. She began to forgive herself, even if very little. Riley knew she didn't deserve forgiveness, but Val's presence made this hitherto axiom confusing and seem uncertain.
Even though she didn't want to, the girl moved away from Val a little. It still remained wrapped in his arms, however. Riley would not give up that. She was protected by the warmth and love of the eldest. It was in this moment of vulnerability that Riley made a request, almost a plea. "Do you promise?"
The star of the team and the girl Riley was secretly in love with, smiled. There, Riley learned that Val would never betray her trust and that he could trust her with his life.
"Minnesota." Val tilted her head and placed a kiss on Riley's forehead. "You have my word."