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Dazai Osamu does not want to die.
Ironic, isn't it? The man who only ever talks about commiting a nice suicide, not wanting to die all of a sudden? How ridiculous that sounds.
Dazai craves death. Every night he goes to sleep he prays to the god he does not believe in that he won't wake up again. He's tried to commit suicide in various ways, some more creative, some brutal, some absolutely absurd. To put it short, he had tried everything. So isn't it strange?
Dazai Osamu, as much as he craves death, also craves life(as crazy as thay sounds).
Because what if there's nothing after? You just stop existing, and you can't even be aware of that. What's the point in trying to experience death if you won't even actually be aware of the moment you die? You won't even know you're dead. You won't exist anymore.
Dazai craves the control. He's curious what dying feels like. But if there's nothing after death, would he even know he's dead? Probably not. Then that's not being in control, is it?
So even if Dazai's only ever lover would be sweet Death Herself, he values control over his mind far more than Her.
That leads all of us to one, simple yet ridiculous conclusion: Dazai does not want to be alive, nor dead. That gives us one more simple conclusion: Dazai is fucked.
Well nevermind that; what Dazai really yearns for is the moment right before you die. That's the real reason why he has attempted suicide so many times before. It was never to succeed. It was just to feel the addictive, blissfully thrilling yet peaceful moment right before you lose conciousness.
His aim was never to actually die; the real one was to simply put himself through enough to almost die, yet just barely make it.
(Well, except for the times he had actually gone crazy, drowned in sorrow and emptiness as his body moved on his own. His own mind turning against him for some reason. Not enough control.)
(Well, let's not go there. That's.... Not somethinh Dazai wishes to go deeper into)
In any case, suicide is simply overrated and disgustingly romanticized. No, it's not gonna be a "peaceful way to go". No, commiting suicide with your lover isn't gonna be super romantic. No, it's not fucking cute or whatever to be suicidal.
The thing is, if there's nothing beyond death, is it even worth it? You won't be able to ackowledge the fact that you're dead.
Yet what's even the point in living anyways?
You're just a tiny, unimportant piece of the universe. You're born, have a painfully insignifant life, and die. Like billions, trillions of humans.
In 50 years there won't be a fucking trace of you in this goddamn universe.
And there is no other side, there is no other universe; this is it. This is your only existance. So really, it doesn't even matter whether you're alive or not. You're gonna die anyways.
What's the point in doing the job yourself?
So maybe, maybe Dazai simply doesn't want to be forgotten. Maybe he also doesn't want to admit that his existance is really that insignificant and tiny.
And maybe he's just a tiny bit scared of what comes after death, and maybe he doesn't want to forget the faces of the people he... Has gotten associated with over the years.
Just maybe.
And maybe he'd much rather drown himself in endless liquor and drugs just to feel such addicting blissfulness without having to put himself on the brink of death.