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He woke up in cold sweat. How long has be been asleep? Well, that didn't matter at all right now, he had to find him. He had to search for Oda.
He quickly got dressed, not caring about his hair being an absolute mess or the very visible eyebags he had. He put on his coat, grabbed the keys, and left his room, practically running out. He almost tripped on the stairs, twice. And he lived on the second floor, goddamn it.
But the worst part were actually the clothes he put on a second ago. They were sticking to his body uncomfortably because of the sweat. It felt like he was drowning, suffocating. It felt as if millions of ants were crawling under his skin, digging into the veins and getting inside, effectively stuffing them and making the blood circulation absolutely impossible.
He found himself not caring at all.
Oda was more important, afterall.
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It was a rather peaceful day at the agency.
That is, until the door flung open, revealing a panting, all red brunet that very visibly struggled to catch his breath and seemed to be in a hurry. How unusual of him.
"...Daz-"
"Need-"
"To find-"
"Odasaku-..."
Dazai panted out, too panicked to breathe. Yosano immediately walked up to him, placing a gentle, yet firm hand on his shoulder.
"Dazai. Deep breaths. We'll find whoever you're looking for after you calm down, okay?"
Dazai nodded shakily, propping his hands on his knees and trying to calm his breathing pattern, following Yosano's slow one.
After a few minutes he was somewhat calmed down.
"Where's Ranpo-san?", He asked, scanning around the room. The detective was nowhere to be seen. Just when he needed him.
"Um, Ranpo-san went on a case with Kenji?", Atsushi chimed in, visibly caught off guard with his mentor's behaviour. It wasn't like him to panic, which made the mentee feel a bit uneasy. Something was just very wrong about all of this.
Dazai muttered a string of curses under his breath. Yosano eyed him warily. Another unusual behaviour?
"Who exactly are you looking for, Dazai?", Kunikida pushed his glasses up and opened a new tab in his computer.
"Odasaku" was all Dazai offered. Though it seemed to be some kind of nickname?
"Dazai-san, what does 'Odasaku' look like? Any specific facial features? Scars or something?", Tanizaki asked, eager to help. The guy seemed important to their colleague after all, and everyone was ready to help.
"Well, he's-", Dazai paused. What? Why couldn't he describe his bestfriend? What was wrong with him?
Upon the silence, everyone was staring at him with concern.
"Dazai? Do you not know what he looks like?", Yosano said calmly beside him.
Dazai felt like scratching his eyes out and stabbing his brain 37 times in a row for not remembering-
"No, he has red hair, he's tall, he wears a beige coat, his hands are bigger than mine, and-"
Why was his face gone? What happened to his face? This didn't make any sense. It was all a blur. It felt as if Odasaku's face has been ripped away from the picture. It was simply not there. Almost as if- the man that showed him the light was gone, wasn't there anymore, just a soulless body that he didn't have any kind of connection with. A corpse.
"Dazai? You don't remember what he looks like..?"
A faint voice got through his heavy thoughts. But it was just floating there, repeating all over and over again.
You don't remember what he looks like?
You don't remember what he looks like, Dazai?
Why can't you remember what he looks like?
Shuuji? You don't remember what he looks like?
His head was spinning. He felt like scratching his hands, legs, anything. Just to scratch out that feeling. The feeling of helplessness. He felt like ripping out his hair, like ripping his skin apart, like cracking his head open to take out the brain and rip it apart.
He had to rip something apart.
Why was he shaking? He couldn't see anything, he couldn't hear anything, except that faint little voice screaming at him.
Wait.
What voice?
Why was it screaming his name repeatedly?
"Dazai!"
He was suddenly back in the office. His hands were shaking, everything was like behind a fog. He blinked the blurness away, looking around. In front of him was Yosano, the rest was looking at him in concern and worry. Almost in pity. Pity? He hated pity.
He wanted to go home. He wanted to lock himself in his dorm and drink till his head was spinning and he couldn't tell the difference between sadness, anger, happiness and emptiness.
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The agency workers were lost. This was a normal tuesday, until one of their most cheerful members ran into the office out of breath and panicking, talking about some Odasaku guy, and then having a full blown panic attack.
Yosano was the best at handling the situation, trying to calm Dazai down and talking to him. The rest of them just seemed... Frozen in place. They actually had no idea how to approach all of this.
Finally they came up with a solution.
"Let's call Ranpo-san, maybe? He'll figure it out way quicker than any of us", Atsushi suggested after blinking a few times to bring himself back to reality.
Kunikida hummed in approval and took out his phone, scrolling in search of the detective's number.
The phone rang a few times.
"Kunikida! Are you calling to tell me there's a bag full of snacks waiting for me at my desk already?", A cheerful voice spoke on the line.
"...No, Ranpo-san", Kunikida muttered with a sigh, "It's actually about Dazai."
"...Dazai needing help? That's new.", The other stated after a beat of silence, but didn't immediately complain about any of this being annoying or not worthy of his time and attention, and Kunikida took that as a cue to elaborate.
"He came into the office all panicked today, saying something about the need to find... 'Odasaku', I believe.", he explained, glancing over to where Yosano was trying to comfort Dazai. The man still seemed so out of it.
The silence on the other side was deafening.
Something about all of this felt so very wrong.
"...Ranpo-san...?", Kunikida wasn't sure if it was just bad connection or-
"Hand the phone over to Dazai. I need to have a word with him.", Ranpo suddenly spoke, sounding much more serious. Kunikida did as he was told, saying a quick "Ranpo on the line" to the brunet as he handed him the phone.
That's when he noticed just how bad the man's hands were shaking. That Odasaku guy must be really, really important to him.
But they'll surely find him, right?
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Dazai was holding his breath in as he held the phone with Ranpo on the line.
"Dazai."
...
"He's not coming back."
...what...?
"He's been dead for 4 years now, remember? Before you joined the Agency and all-"
The phone dropped to the floor. He heard faint yelling, but he was somewhere else now. Somewhere far, far too deep in his mind.
...oh.
That's right.
Odasaku's dead.
He's been dead for a really long time now.
And he's been visiting his grave every month.
Odasaku never got the chance to know whether Dazai really changed, he's never had the chance to know the Agency, either.
What's wrong with him?
How could he forget?
Why can he hear faint sobs? They sound so broken violent, so full of agony. Who's crying? Why's his body shaking in the same rhythm as the sobs he can hear? It doesn't make any sense.
... Is he crying...?
He is crying. The broken, violent, out of breath sobs are his sobs.
How pathetic.
Odasaku... Why did you leave?