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Ray wasn’t trying to pick a fight with Sand that evening, he really didn’t want to. He just wanted to forget the words that Nick said. Even if they were meant as a joke, Ray just couldn’t seem to get out of his head. All that he wanted was one drink, that was all. Ray was doing rather well in his rehab, but it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshines. There were ups and many, many downs.
So many of them that Ray was really counting his blessings that Sand was still willing to deal with him. The road to recovery was fucking hell and Ray wished there was a shortcut to it, but there was nothing. He had to walk down the road and hope that Sand wasn’t going to get tired of dealing with him.
Because if Sand left, Ray would understand. He wouldn’t try to stop him because deep down, Ray was still convinced that he didn’t really deserve Sand. Sand was really just…
Ray felt nervous as he walked over to the fridge. As he opened it, his eyes were searching for a drink. Ray could hear Sand following him, but he ignored him for now. Ray’s mind was too preoccupied as he leaned down and he smiled when he saw a beer bottle. There was only one , but it was going to suffice, right? He would’ve killed for something stronger, but his father started hiding all of the alcohol around the house, so it’s been hell…
Ray wished he wasn’t like this, he wished he had a better control over his drinking and deep down, he was ashamed. He was ashamed that Sand got to see him like this – hitting his rock bottom again. He knew he was dragging Sand down with him. It was ugly and raw, but he didn’t know how to-
“Ray,” said Sand and Ray stiffened.
“I just need one drink, Sand. That’s all. I just need to take the edge off, my mind is running a hundred miles per hour. Just one drink and I’ll be fine,” said Ray, but Sand wasn’t backing off, he didn’t listen to Ray’s excuses. He walked closer to Ray and he bit into his lower lip.
There were still days that Ray struggled more than the others and this was one of those days. Sand didn’t waver one bit. He was supportive of Ray’s road to recovery. He knew something must’ve happened, so he tried to get Ray to talk to him instead of pushing me away.
“Talk to me instead,” said Sand and Ray’s heart sank.
“I’ve had a shitty day, so cut me some slack, huh?” said Ray, but Sand wasn’t having any of it. If he backed down, he knew how the evening would spiral out of control. It would end up with Ray beating himself up later , after he’d calm down.
“We’ve talked about this,” said Sand. “Instead of pushing me away, talk to me,” said Sand and Ray felt his annoyance growing. Ray pressed his lips together as he didn’t want to say something, but his hands were shaking. He just wanted one drink, why wouldn’t Sand understand that?!
Sand didn’t understand how it was. He didn’t understand how fucking difficult this was. No one understood him! No one ever could. Ray’s mind was all jumbled up and he wasn’t thinking rationally. This wasn’t him speaking, it was the addiction.
Ray slammed the door of the fridge shut.
“You don’t understand, Sand! You don’t understand at all how difficult this is! I need it. Why can’t you just let me have this?! I just want to calm down, that’s all!” yelled Ray and Sand tried to calm down the situation. He knew that upsetting Ray more than this wasn’t going to do any good.
“I care about you. This is why I can’t just stand back and do nothing. I can’t just let you destroy yourself, not like this,” said Sand. “It hurts me-”
“You’re not helping!” yelled Ray and his breathing was ragged. He needed to get the hell out, he needed to be alone. Or he’d end up saying something stupid again. Something that would again remind him just how fucking pathetic he was. “You’re making it worse,” said Ray and Sand’s eyes travelled down, but when Ray tried making it past him, he didn’t step away.
Instead, Sand stepped in front of Ray.
“Sand, move,” said Ray with a weak voice, but Sand shook his head.
“No,” said Sand and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not letting you go.”
“Please, move,” said Ray desperately, pleading, but Sand didn't waver one bit. Sand didn’t deserve this, he deserved someone better. Nick was right. Ray knew that and he felt tears rushing to his eyes. He needed to go, he really needed to get the hell away from there. “I can’t deal with this right now,” said Ray and wanted to walk past Sand, who grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer. “Sand-”
“Ray, please,” said Sand and took a deep breath in, trying to calm himself down for Ray’s sake. Sand wasn’t angry, he was just desperate and worried. He hated seeing Ray like this. He hated seeing him struggle like this. “I know you’re struggling, but don’t push me away,” said Sand.
Ray has been doing so well recently. The only times that he struggled was when something happened. So, Sand knew that there was something that had to trigger this. Ray was better at talking about his feelings, but sometimes he still needed a little push.
Ray tried shaking his hand away from Sand’s grip, but Sand wasn’t letting him go.
“Talk to me. Just talk to me, tell me what’s really bothering you,” said Sand and slowly released Ray’s hand once he saw that Ray had calmed down enough. He gently held Ray’s shoulders, turning him around. “Please.”
Ray’s eyes travelled up and he locked his eyes with Sand’s gaze. The warmth in Sand’s voice and his eyes, together with his supportive words managed to calm him down enough to finally stop panicking and he closed his eyes. As he closed his eyes, fresh tears rolled down his cheeks and Sand’s fingers dug into Ray’s shoulders.
“Sometimes I just feel so fucking overwhelmed,” said Ray and Sand slowly nodded, leaning closer. “Everything feels like it is falling apart and I don’t know what to do,” said Ray, Sand pressing his forehead against Ray’s and he wrapped his arms around Ray’s back, holding him closer.
“I know it’s hard,” said Sand and Ray bit into his lower lip. “But, I’m here for you. Let’s just sit down and talk, mn? You can tell me what happened. Talking helps,” said Sand and Ray’s eyes welled up again as he glanced up.
Sand’s fingers were wiping the tears away, but new ones formed in Ray’s eyes and he bowed his head lower. Guilt was stifling and he couldn’t even breathe properly when he realised what he had just done. He yelled at Sand.
“I’m sorry, Sand,” was all that he could do. There were only so many I’m sorry ’s that Sand could handle. One day he’d walk away and that was… “I’m sorry I’m so difficult to handle. No one can really put up with me. So, I understand that if you want to walk away one day, you can. It’s fine, I don’t deserve you, not really. All I do is-” started Ray, but Sand stopped him because they were down this road before.
Many times.
“No,” said Sand. “We’re not doing this again,” said Sand. “I told you – I love you and I’m not going anywhere,” said Sand. “So, don’t, ” said Sand and he almost felt like crying. The idea of walking away from Ray crushed him. “Don’t talk like that. Get it through that thick skull of yours that I’m staying,” he said and Ray glanced up and he could see that there was a tear rolling down Sand’s cheek as well.
“Don’t cry,” said Ray and cupped Sand’s face.
“Then stop talking about me leaving you. You know I hate it. As if I could ever just walk away. Damn it, Ray,” said Sand and Ray leaned closer, kissing Sand softly.
Ray slowly nodded and he hiccuped, but he was finally grounded. His mind had cleared up and he felt better. This was… He knew what triggered this, but he was ashamed that it took him this little. It was a stupid little remark that Nick made before, when he picked Sand up at his place. Nick didn’t mean anything by it, it was a joke. They were all joking when Nick said something along the lines that he was really impressed by Sand’s patience with Ray, that he still managed to put up with him.
It was a joke.
Nick didn’t mean it.
And yet…
Looking back at it now, Ray knew how stupid he was for even thinking about Sand leaving him. Just one mention of that to Sand and Sand was crying as well.
“I didn’t mean to take it out on you,” whispered Ray and Sand nodded.
“I know you didn’t,” said Sand and slowly pulled away, holding Ray’s hand now. “Just take it one step at a time, yeah?” asked Sand and Ray nodded. “Why don’t I make us some tea,” said Sand and Ray already made a face. Tea. Sand gave him the look and Ray chuckled, wiping the rest of the tears away and he huffed. “Let’s sit and talk,” said Sand and Ray nodded.
“Mn,” said Ray and was biting on his nails as Sand pulled away. “Sand, thank you. I wouldn’t be able to do this without you,” said Ray and Sand smiled gently.
“You don’t have to thank me,” said Sand and the two of them sat down.
A few moments later, the two of them were sitting together at the table and Ray told Sand what triggered all of this. Sand told him yet again that he wasn’t leaving him and that he’d have a word to Nick about paying attention to what came out of his mouth in the future. Ray felt better, holding onto Sand’s hand. He also made sure to apologise for his outburst again.
“I… I feel calmer now,” said Ray. “Thank you for not giving up on me,” said Ray and Sand shook his head.
“Never,” said Sand as his thumb was caressing the back of Ray’s palm, who slowly nodded along.
“I love you,” whispered Ray and Sand smiled, saying it back immediately and Ray sighed happily, really happy that Sand was there. “I’ll do better from now on, I promise I won’t-”
“I know it’s tough, but you’re doing so well, Ray,” said Sand and Ray nodded.
“Mmmn… It’s just sometimes, I can’t control it when I’m upset and it’s-”
“One step at a time, right? Don’t overwhelm yourself again, Ray. You managed to calm down. Just remember that moments like this are a part of the recovery process, but they don’t define you, yeah?” asked Sand and Ray slowly nodded.
Cravings were a part of the process, but not something that should define him – that was what Ray’s therapist kept telling him as well. Ray nodded and he chewed on his lower lip as he kept on holding Sand’s hand.
Ray liked this. Just him and Sand.
“This is nice, mn?” asked Ray and Sand gave him a little nod. Ray then made a face when he took a sip of the tea. “I wish the same could be said about this tea,” teased Ray and Sand rolled his eyes.
“Drink it,” said Sand. “It’ll calm you down.”
“I don’t like it,” whined Ray.
“Drink. It,” said Sand again and Ray glanced into the cup and then he looked at Sand again, who was laughing softly, shaking his head.
“Do I have to?” asked Ray and Sand nodded. Ray grimaced, but then his eyes lit up again and Sand narrowed his eyes. “Do I get a reward if I finish this mug?”
“A reward,” sighed Sand and gave him an unamused look. “Sure,” said Sand in the end and Ray perked up.
“What’s the reward?” asked Ray and Sand shrugged.
“You’ll find out after you drink all of that,” said Sand and Ray wrinkled his nose. “Here’s a little preview,” said Sand and pressed a quick little peck upon Ray’s lips, who chased after his lips, but Sand quickly pulled away.
“So?” asked Sand.
Ray gulped down the entire thing in a few seconds and Sand laughed softly as he watched him. Sand kept laughing as Ray climbed into his lap, looking down at him like an excited puppy, but Sand didn’t hold it against him and he just pulled him closer, kissing him properly.
Sand was glad that Ray managed to calm down and Ray was as well.
The road to recovery wasn’t all rainbows and sunshines, but with time it was going to get easier.