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kamishiro rui will be crushed under the weight of his yearning someday.
it’s a warm spring evening, and rehearsal for the wonderlands x showtime troupe had ended a bit ago. none had been in the mood to leave just yet, so they decided to just hang out for a bit.
he’s sat on the edge of the wonderstage, with tsukasa on his left and emu on his right. nene’s beside her as they’re talking— and he can’t help but want. want the affection they so easily give out, want what they offer him so clearly. he watches as emu squashes nene in a hug, both of them giggling as they lean against each other.
it’s a hell of his own making, really. he’s spent years in his head, telling himself he’s unworthy of anything good, letting his isolation sear wounds in ways he didn’t notice until it was far too late.
shame, he’s discovered, is something that will live with you forever.
“-ui! rui?” a light touch on his arm. his gaze meets tsukasa’s furrowed brow and downturned lips for a moment. oh. they’d been talking about something, hadn’t they? he takes a moment and tries to recall what they had been talking about. as he tries (and fails) to remember, he let his gaze drop to the hand on his arm. tsukasa’s touch has always been warm, and now is no exception.
he’s a grabby type of person, rui’s come to learn. he’ll reach for a hand to navigate a hallway, or use his elbow to shift him around on stage. a prod in the back or a pat on the head. little, prolonged touches, lasting just long enough to leave him chasing for more. before he can think about it too hard, the touch is gone and rui lets a half-smile curl his lips as he ignores the pang in his heart.
“ah- yes? sorry, i was a bit lost in thought there,” rui chuckles lightly, pulling his hands into his lap. he squeezes his hands together to placate his desire for physical intimacy.
tsukasa’s expression doesn’t change much, and rui can’t help but feel… confused. he feels a bit like a bug under a microscope under tsukasa’s gaze, though he supposes this how tsukasa feels with him as well. rui opens his mouth uncertainly, intent on questioning his friend, when he feels a poke on his cheek.
he’s forced to switch lanes of focus as he turns to face emu, who continues to poke his cheek. she looks similar to tsukasa, though she sports more of a pout than a frown. what’s happening?
“ruui-kuun…” she draws out her ‘u’s, pushing her finger against his cheek and letting it sit there, “are you okay? you seem soo… bleh today” she finally moves her finger, fluttering her hands in the air for a moment for emphasis before gently placing her hand on top of his. rui flicks his eyes down to their hands for a moment. a pit wells in his stomach, and he forgets to respond entirely.
emu’s hand is on his.
it’s a small thing to focus on, really. she gives him little touches all the time, it’s what she does to everyone. a tug of the hand here, a poke of the chest there, a sudden bear hug on occasion. all a whirlwind of movement that’s very uniquely her. but this— something more prolonged— is more rare. she doesn’t slow down like this unless it’s meaningful, which is all to say: he doesn’t know how he feels about it.
or, well, it’s less that he doesn’t know how he feels about it, and more so that he knows exactly how he feels about it. he can feel the pit of shame in his stomach grow. he wants more. he doesn’t deserve it. he should move his hand. he doesn’t want to make emu feel bad. it’s a back and forth in his mind, stuck between letting this happen and pulling away out of guilt.
rui nearly chokes when he feels a cold hand on his arm, jarring enough to drag him out of his thoughts.
yellow eyes meet lavender.
emu’s gone, now replaced with nene. they’ve traded spots, emu sat a bit behind nene, with tsukasa beside her. they’re watching uncertainly, the concern in their gazes unmistakable.
“rui,” nene says softly, and she gently squeezes his arm. she’s cold. nene has always run cold, for whatever reason. it’s nice, in a way. she squeezes his arm again.
“nene,” rui responds weakly, forcing his lips to quirk up slightly. she frowns, and he can’t help but wonder if the ground could open and swallow him whole. his gaze falls, once again, to the area where they’re both connected, her hand on his arm. he tries to keep himself dipping to far into his thoughts, and when he looks back up at nene, there’s something in her eyes.
she knows.
rui has mentioned this before to her, he realizes faintly, though it may have been as a joke, or some one-off comment. it was a long time ago he knows that much, and it settles in his stomach as something uncertain. they’ve always cared for each other. they’ve always worried. he knows this, having proved to her over and over again.
it’s just odd realizing she does it for him too.
“you don’t- don’t have to be ashamed,” she finally speaks again, her eyes trained firmly at the spot on the floor where rui had been looking moments prior, “it’s okay to want. we’re here, and we’re not going anywhere”
emu and tsukasa nod in the background, shifting closer. rui swallows heavily. he’s used to big gestures and brief touches— not whatever this is. emu and tsukasa settle close to him, much closer than usual.
what is this?
nene rests her head on his shoulder, clutching onto his arm. his stomach lurches, though it’s not guilt causing the feeling this time.
what…
emu leans against him on his other side, wrapping her arms around his waist in a side hug. she squeezes him lightly, and very suddenly, something in his brain clicks. he feels pressure build in the back of his eyes.
oh.
fingers run through his hair from behind, a shoulder half pressed into his back. tsukasa hums softly as he plays with rui’s hair and he can easily make a guess that he has a small smile on his face and-
Oh.
he swallows heavily. he finds he doesn’t know what to do with himself, not really. his hands stay in his lap and he doesn’t move as his friends essentially cuddle with him on their stage. that’s what this is, right? it’s overwhelming, but it’s also… not.
nene’s words repeat again in his head. maybe the best first step would be to let himself have this- to enjoy this. he takes a breath and slowly untenses, blinking away unshed tears. he looks down at nene, who blinks at him and offers a tiny smile. he weakly smiles back.
it’s quiet as they bask in each other's company, and rui closes his eyes.
his mind is quiet for once.