Archive of Our Own

In this Universe, JYP isn't as shit of a company and actually protects their idols.

There are no toxic fans or haters where they send trucks for the most stupid reasons.

And we're here to only focus on Innie and the big mental issue called Depression.

He's been staring at his phone's screen for quite some time now. Maybe about 10 minutes or 30... or perhaps it's been hours already. He doesn't know. Lately, the time doesn't seem very constant. Sometimes he feels it, sometimes not. Often marching on but, also... not?

He reads the bold texts on the website he had randomly found out. Contemplating whether to answer it or just close the tab altogether.

"Are you tired of living?" Reads the text.

The simple answer would be yes. Everyone's been through this phase for sure. Where life gets too complicated, too suddenly, and you feel the reins are slipping through your fingers and you're just, too tired. And you wake up one day, staring off at the ceiling, just lying in bed, and wishing for the day to finish. For the time to stop. For everything, to stop... and you're so tired of it all that you can't even be bothered to talk about it to anyone. It's just, that sometimes life gets so suffocating that you'd rather pause, just to take a breath than seek out solutions and try to solve everything. Or maybe it was just him...? Surely it can't be. There's a reason why a whole website was dedicated to this for goodness sake. Surely, many other souls out there are feeling the same. The same burden. The same dullness. The same... void.

That's right. That is a good word to describe

What he's been feeling for some time now. This void, caused by everything and nothing; has been growing inside him, so much that he can no longer hide it behind fake smiles and silly lies.

It also makes him nervous. An uneasiness he feels sometimes when he thinks about others might read through him and ask him what is wrong...

He wouldn't want that; he's been hiding it so well all these times to avoid confrontation. They all have their own problems. Everyone does. And even if any of them happened to be the most unoccupied person on earth, Jeongin himself wouldn't know what would the answer be to "what is wrong?"

And so it brings him to this moment. At almost 3 a.m., sitting on his bed, staring at his phone's screen.

In the end, he decides to click "yes". That, In fact, he's tired of living. Been tired of living, for a while now.

The action takes him to a new page where there's a questionnaire to be filled.

Jeongin sighs. Just as he expected. He's too tired to think and answer some random stupid questions which he can guess, what at least half of them, are gonna be. But he has already wasted so much time and it seems tonight is gonna be yet, another sleepless one anyway, so he might as well go through these questions instead of scrolling on YouTube.

Languidly, he scrolls down the page to the first question, however it is not what he was expecting. 

Firstly, they are all rather short and the only options are Yes/No instead of long explained questions with a rating of 1-10 about how strongly you agree or don't.

And so he goes through them, with a newfound curiosity.

In the past few weeks have you gained or lost weight in a noticeable amount? Yes/No

Reads the first one, to which he answers yes, without much of a thought. He's been on a roller coaster lately, from feeling intense hunger and eating like those crazy mukbangers to not having an appetite for a whole day. As a result, he gained and lost weight, not as much drastically but was frequent enough for such short periods that raised some eyebrows.

Have you lost interest in the actions you found enjoyable before? Yes/No

In the past few weeks have you willingly gone out of the house or hung out with friends? Yes/No

In the past few weeks have you reached out to anyone or willingly started up a conversation? Yes/No

It's not like he was dying or something. He was still a human and functioning. Just, not that well anymore...

He loved his family, his hyungs and his 01' liner friends and so, he enjoyed talking or spending time with them. It's that, only now lately it doesn't feel like before... he doesn't feel like before.

Have you in the past few weeks enjoyed any sort of activity? Yes/No

He did enjoy watching an anime with Jisung, or watching some youtube and quietly spending time with Hyunjin as his hyung would sketch. He liked it when Minho asked him for some help around the kitchen or when they cooked for everyone together, it felt like he was being somewhat useful.

Or when Changbin asked him to massage his back, smoothing out some muscle knots.

He liked the time when he got to listen to Seungmin's vocal practice as he was waiting for them to finish and leave together. Same as the times he got to use Chan's computer and the older one was sitting nearby, doing his thing. It did feel good when Felix dragged him down to play games. They were nice moments. Refreshing, even. However, he couldn't feel much delight in any of those moments. They were just there. Somehow, only existing. And sometimes he felt drained afterward too. As if he just finished his piled-up homework of a week.

It's funny, now that he looks back at these moments, there's a strange presence of silence. Something that's barely been there concerning their interactions before. All these pleasant activities were spent in pure or partial silence. Nothing more than an exchange of a few words here and there, when necessary. And he wonders, yet again, if his bandmates have noticed this... and if they did, how strange of them to not confront him. He hopes not. He hopes whatever it is, stays as it is. And they continue to pretend nothing has changed.

The next question is rather similar to the previous one. And so is the answer to it.

Have you in the past few weeks found comfort in anyone or any activity? Yes/No

Have you been feeling dissociated from your own body? Yes/No

Have you been feeling the passage of time in an out-of-body experience? Yes/No

Have you been feeling the time is going too fast or too slow most of the time? Yes/No

In the past few weeks have you been feeling confused about yourself or the daily activities around you? Yes/No

Have you been feeling extreme fatigue regardless of how much sleep you get? Yes/No

Have you been unable to associate the events around you in anything other than black and © white? Yes/No

The way that he knows the immediate answer to these questions, feels kind of scary. It's as if they were made solely for him and his life, from how spot-on they are.

Jeongin takes a deep breath, and glances at the time in the upper corner of his screen, 3:38, before continuing to the next question.

In the past few weeks have you been feeling overwhelmed by small events that you were fine with before? Yes/No

He thinks back to a couple of days ago when he snapped at Changbin for throwing his empty water bottle out. And he got so frustrated at his hyung for not asking him first. All because he put it away to refill it. A cheap plastic water bottle that is sold in any store. And bless his calm hyung for not lashing back at him and instead apologizing to him, saying he will ask first next time. Gosh... how embarrassing! Good thing they were almost done for the day and he got to leave the room right after, walking out into the cold weather to calm his nerves down.

What was wrong with him?! He wasn't a teenager with imbalanced hormones anymore.

He wanted to bite his pillow and scream as similar situations popped up in his mind. The results of his mood swings.

In the past few weeks have you been feeling numbness toward events that usually trigger more emotions out? Yes/No

Have you been feeling weighted down? Yes/No

Have you been feeling exhausted even when not doing anything? Yes/No

Yes! YES! Every. Single. Day! Oh, how he wished he could just close his eyes and never open them again.

The problem was, that no amount of sleep seemed to help. He even was tired of sleeping itself. Exhausted of everything. And just dragging through the day.

Have you been feeling that you are not in control of your emotions anymore? Yes/No

Have you been feeling extreme hunger or no hunger at all? Yes/No

In the past few weeks have you willingly let people in on your life events? Yes/No

No, and he'd like to keep it that way.

He doesn't know what to say, or who to talk to about this. But most importantly, what event? Nothing's been happening in his life. Nothing of much interest anyway, he just finishes his tasks day in and out.

Have you been experiencing extreme happiness or extreme sadness? Yes/No

That is probably what hasn't given his mental instability out, yet. As he would still laugh at random jokes and bickering. Laugh so much that he can't breathe when Jisung and Changbin choose to be hilarious for the day.

Or when he goes live and talks to fans, at events and shows, he's still smiling and laughing. He's happy. And he cries too when Felix or Hyunjin decide to watch an agonizing sad movie. Or when he's on a call with his family. When he hears his mom's worries. He cries when he's alone too, but, doesn't know why...

The only thing that's changed is at the end of the day, when he thinks about all these moments, something is missing. As if it's not him. Or the moments happened so far that he can't recall how he was truly feeling then. Like watching a picture of yourself in kindergarten, smiling, but you can't point out the exact feeling. Besides the smile on your face, there's nothing else to prove that you are genuinely happy.

Too far away to be recognizable.

Have you in the past few weeks had extreme doubts regarding your self-worth? Yes/No

Have you in the past few weeks felt satisfied with the result of your efforts? Yes/No

In the past few weeks, have you willingly left your room? Yes/No

To the bathroom? Does that count? He also left his room to bother Seungmin or Felix when he was extremely bored.

In the past few weeks have you found daily living activities extremely suffocating or exhausting? Yes/No

He doesn't know if he should be happy that he's not alone or sad that the answer is yes. He sometimes even finds going to the toilet exhausting.

As he scrolls down to the last set of questions, he's somewhat shaken by the bluntness of the next one that comes up.

In the past few weeks have you considered ending your life? Yes/No 

"What the-" Jeongin blinked a few times, giving it some thought, before finally skipping to the next one.

The rest of them were quite similar. Focusing on asking about seeking help.

Have you in the past few weeks talked to anyone about how you feel? Yes/No

Have you sought help? Yes/No

Have you considered seeking professional help? Yes/No

And finally the last one:

Would you like to try and heal? Yes/No

He thinks he would like that. At least he thinks he should want to try. And so he answers yes.

As he waits for the result he reads the message at the very bottom of the page.

This website is a trial initiative created by psychology students from XY University and individuals who have experienced the loss of friends to depression. We aim to provide assistance and support to high school and college students who are struggling with depression or experiencing suicidal thoughts.

Who would've thought in the end it would take a random website led by a bunch of kids around his age to finally ask all the right things and give him a solution?

Once the result loads up, Jeongin is not surprised as he sees Major Depression written in bold.

He reads through the following text. As it says how this test is not completely accurate and he needs to visit a professional to determine the situation better. But who's he kidding? The answers were obvious and he, himself, low-key knew it too. Just didn't want to admit it since he didn't want to take any action regarding this. He much rather pretends everything was normal and he was just tired from the heavy schedule.

As he scrolled further, he saw a box for filling in his email. With an explanation underneath, saying,

By signing up and providing your email, you are enrolling in our trial program. A student from our team will contact you and guide you through a 1-month plan aimed at helping you overcome major depression or suicidal thoughts. Further details will be sent to your email. Please note that this plan has not been previously tested, and its success rate is unknown.

Thus began Jeongin's 1-month plan.

***

The next morning Jeongin found a notification of a new email.

Hey Jeongin!

I hope you're doing well! 😊 I just wanted to drop you a quick note to say thank you for jumping on board with our trial program. It means a lot to us that you're giving this a shot!

I know dealing with depression isn't easy, and it's okay if things don't change overnight. But hey, we're in this together! 🌟 Over the next month, I'll be sending you a new task every day to help us on this journey.

Your feedback is super important to us, so at the end of each day, I'd love to hear how the task went for you. Did you manage to tackle it? And most importantly, did you find it helpful?

Whenever you're ready to start, just send a reply to this email, and I'll share the mission of the day with you!

Thanks again for being a part of this. Let's make this journey awesome!

Take care and talk soon,

Junghyuk

***

This industry is filled with a lot of hurt souls. Some endure it and go forward. But some can't.

Before, it was just some fleeting thoughts. What if he just stopped everything once and for all?

It's still the same, just some momentary thoughts. Only now, a bit more frequent.

He doesn't think it'll be much of a big deal anyway. They all have experienced it in one way or another. Losing friends. And they all seem fine. They had to put it behind them and move on at some point.

Besides, he's already been slacking behind. As a son, to his parents. And as a brother to his siblings. As a dongsae to his hyungs and as a Straykids' member to the Stays. As a friend who's been MIA for far too long. And as a human being... he honestly feels the oxygen he breathes is being wasted on him.

He feels, not enough. He's never been and it only took him this long to finally see it. To finally accept the truth and realize what had been told to him a thousand times, had some valid reasons behind it. He was too ignorant to see the facts.

And they will realize it too. Once he's gone, they can finally understand how everything is much easier. And how they don't need to lie to him and reassure him what he reads online is pure bullshit.

Jeongin thinks bitterly, as he reads the email again.

It's not going to change the truth, but he might as well try till the end...

The email he received after replying to the first one is rather interesting.

His mission of the day was to get up before noon and brush his teeth.

Now, this might seem a bit silly to anyone else. But Jeongin knew how hard it could be for some people. He had some bad days too. In which, he would wake up, and he just knew even drinking a glass of water would take so much mental energy that he'd rather stay thirsty. Lucky him, today was not one of those. He did feel exhausted after waking up, and he still wished for the day to just finish before it even began. But that became part of his daily routine, too.

So he did get up before noon and brushed his teeth because he had to be at the company by 9 and they had a meeting later on too, but when he came back home at night, he brushed his teeth then too... and weirdly, that felt good. It felt like he did something right after a long time.

So once he's in bed and under the blankets, he opens his email and sends a thumbs up to Junghyuk, saying how it felt nice to do this simple task for his own well-being and not because he had to.

The emails continued like that between him and his mentor...?

The daily missions were mostly simple. Trying to wake up before noon, basic hygiene, eating one small thing for breakfast, and trying to not skip any meals.

***

As the first week came to an end, Jeongin felt much more like a human. As if everything was almost normal. Almost...

Still deep down, when he thought about his day or what lies at the end of this road, it all felt empty and meaningless. A "So what now?" always stayed constantly at the back of his mind. But he tried to not think about them at all. Pushing them back whenever those thoughts would sneak up on him.

Jeongin wanted to try for at least this one month. He didn't want to let yet another person down. And frankly, he felt guilty. Junghyuk and his friends have put so much effort into these plans and websites, the boy always cheering him on and getting so excited about his daily replies.

***

On Saturday, however, his task was a bit different. Rather than completing a daily activity, he was asked to contact a friend and go to the rooftop and watch the sunrise with them.

And that's how he found himself with Seungmin, who he thought would be the only one to actually manage to wake up and not question him on this odd request.

Some background music playing on one of their phones and the chilly air of early morning burning their cheeks. Jeongin closes his eyes, trying to memorize the details of this moment. For when he's alone.. for when he's going to miss Seungmin.. for when they'll be too busy to find solace.. for when he's too tired to continue...

Seungmin comes behind him and lightly bites his shoulder. "If you keep them closed you're gonna miss the sunrise, little fox" mumbles Seungmin into his jacket. Still perched at Jeongin's back. "You dragged me here at the ass crack of dawn, I'm not gonna let you sleep~!" And then he starts to shake the younger back and forth, making weird Seungmin-noises.

"Aaargh! Okay okay! They're open! See- I'm watching" Jeongin says while laughing and trying to escape the other's grip. But obviously, to no avail.

In the end, Jeongin let's his youngest hyung stay attached to him as they watch the rest of the sun rise over the horizon in silence.

***

The next task that requires more than just his own effort is taking a 15-minute walk at the end of the day with a colleague.

Which happens after midnight, with Changbin, as the said colleague.

Originally, Jeongin wasn't planning on asking anyone to accompany him. It was already so late and he felt awkward asking anyone such thing. However, when he was about to leave the building, he saw Changbin getting out of his studio with his stuff too. And that's how the older found out Jeongin was going to walk home. Then, with a lot of teasing and baby talking tagged along cause babies shouldn't walk alone at this time, his words, not Jeongin's.

"Sooo what made our Innie want to take a walk home?" Changbin drapes an arm around his shoulders and brings his face into Jeongin's. The younger naturally draws away from him. "Aish hyung! Your breath smells!"

He says with a mild disgusted face but the smile that appears afterwards gives him away.

"Innie is a meanie!" Changbin whines with his high-pitched baby voice. "Not true~" Jeongin humors him, rolling his eyes but still grinning.

"That's right~! Innie made Changbinnie saddd~" If possible, his hyung's pout deepens as he brings his face into the other's again.

"Not true~" Jeongin repeats.

Changbin continues his teasing and pinches the younger's cheeks.

From the outside, everything is normal, Changbin hyung is being his goofy self and annoying their maknae and I.N is trying to avoid him at all costs.

But deep down... it's not the same.

In his mind, Jeongin is trying to find the feelings he felt in this same situation, the way he would secretly enjoy it, actually enjoy it, to his heart.

But it's not there. Nothing is there.

And so he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and tries to memorize the details of this moment.

***

There was this monolog from Bojack Horseman where he said "Usually when people ask how I'm doing, the real answer is I'm doing shitty. But I can't say I'm doing shitty because I don't even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say I'm doing shitty! Then they say, why? What's wrong?! And then I'll be like, I don't know... all of it...?

So instead when people ask how I'm doing, I usually say-"

"I am doing so great" Jeongin replies to their manager’s question with a wide grin as the man nods back with a cheerful gaze before moving on to the topic they had the meeting about.

And Jeongin? He zones out whatever else he's saying.

He realized he does that a lot. Far too much to be normal. Blocking the world out and losing the time. It's different from daydreaming. More like, getting into a daze...

His mission of that day was to watch a movie that's been on his list for the longest with yet another friend. The movie happened to be an American comedy.

He wasn't looking up to it though, today was one of those days.

And he knew it would just drain him even more, having to fake a smile and pretend he was enjoying it for the sake of his friend who'd come over later.

It ends up being just as shitty as he predicted. No wonder he was putting it off for years now. But having a friend over after god knows how long, felt good.

As if nothing's changed.

As if he was being his normal self.

Once he closes the main door after sending his friend off at around 2 a.m., he turns around to get a glass of water from the kitchen, only to get a jump scare from Minho who was standing by the entrance of the hallway.

"Fuck Hyung! You scared the hell out of me!" Jeongin tries to laugh it off.

Minho only hums though, eyes still on the other.

"What is it? Don't you have an early schedule tomorrow hyung?" Jeongin asks, feeling a tad bit distressed under his hyung's watchful gaze. He walks past the older to get his glass from the cabinet. Feeling perched all of a sudden.

"Hmm, that's right. But I couldn't sleep, you guys were too loud." He says with a slight smirk, his facial expression not changing much. Which is normal, Jeongin can tell he's teasing without even having to look back at him.

Though he does, and even then, he can't help but mumble out a small sorry along with a promise that this not happening again. And he means it, he doesn't feel like he can master up the energy for it anytime soon anyway.

Minho's eyes go wide, this is so out of the younger's character, “what the- I was joking I.N-ah. You guys weren't even that loud! I just couldn't sleep 'cause I took a nap earlier." He follows Jeongin around the kitchen with his eyes, and then, a bit quieter "You can have your friends over any time. You haven't had anyone here in ages..."

"Aaah... yes, well... I guess it has been a while?" Jeongin scratches his nape. Refilling his glass of water to take it to his bedroom now.

"I.N-ah..."

"Hm?"

"Are you... doing okay...?" Minho's words are whispered into the night.

The refrigerator works as white noise, and the water dripping into their sink from the faucet is almost inaudible.

To Jeongin, the voice of Bojack's monolog in that one episode is the only clear thing. So he replies with a smile, "What? Of course hyung. Why wouldn't I be? I'm just too sleepy after this long day" He pulls out a sheepish grin.

The older studies him for a few seconds, but ends up moving from his spot by the wall and comes to grab Jeongin from his nape. Walking towards their bedrooms as he squeezes the muscle lightly. "Isn't that right?! Why would our Innie feel anything but good when he got such a handsome hyung around?"

The younger hunches his shoulders up, reflexively. "Agh! Hyung hurts, hurts!" Jeongin whines and laughs but does nothing more to stop it.

"Sorry not sorry~" Minho sang songs before pecking the back of Jeongin's head and going to his own bedroom. "Good night Aggi!"

Jeongin smiles to himself as he opens his room's door, "Night Hyung."

***

A wise man once said; the easiest way to learn, is to begin by listening.

That wise man was his Chan hyung.

Jeongin remembers as he tries to learn what the instructor is saying about this pottery class he was attending with Hyunjin.

His mission of the day.

Attending an art class with someone he knew would be good at it.

Jeongin tries, listens well, and tries to do as instructed. But the clay on his table doesn't look remotely like Hyunjin's.

Or anyone else's in this class.

This was only a stupid reminder that he sucks at yet another activity.

Well, thanks Junghyuk I guess.

He had to empty his schedule and convince Hyunjin and make up some dumb excuse to dodge his hyung's questions as to why all of a sudden they were going to a pottery class together, all that for nothing. For his day to get even more messed up by the living proof that his so-called negative thoughts do have a reason. A valid one.

He is not good at anything. How much more does he need to suffer to finally register it and give it all up?

How much longer until he gets the courage and puts an end to-

"Aish, I.N-ah! Watch out, you squeezed the hell out of this poor clay" Hyunjin laughs. Halting the whirlpool of thoughts in his head.

Jeongin looks at his hands that are in Hyunjin's, held by his hyung as he guides him to remake the shape of his... whatever it's supposed to be.

Hyunjin moves more towards the younger. Practically side-hugging him now. "Like this... then a bit more water... hmm.. a bit rounder maybe..."

Jeongin blocks the older out, instead, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as he tries to memorize the details of this moment.

"Is our Innie sleepy? We can go back and sleep if you are so tired, aggi. I still don't get why you were insisting on it for today out of all the times we had." Hyunjin whispers in his ear.

Making the younger jump slightly away. "Ugh, hyunggg! You gave me goosebumps! Stay away from me~!" He laughs as he rubs at his neck where he got goosebumps, with the back of his wrist.

"Tsk, messy baby!!! Look, you got clay on your hair now!" Hyunjin practically screamed, causing some heads to turn. The forever dramatic hyung.

"Come on now. Clearly, you'd rather be anywhere else," Hyunjin says with a chuckle after some moments when Jeongin doesn't seem to be getting anywhere with his clay. "Let's go home and hyung will cuddle you all you want~" then he tackles the younger and pretends to eat him, getting their clothes dirty in the way.

"No! Hyung! I don't want to~" Jeongin whines from under the tight grip of his hyung. " Yah! Let go! Bad hyung, got clay on meee~!" He brings up his hand in a fist as if threatening him, but Hyunjin knows better anyway, so he doesn't stop.

They do end up leaving earlier.

Though, Jeongin doesn't feel like having any cuddle sessions with Hyunjin, or going over to the other dorm, nor does he want anyone over in his room.

So he makes up yet another excuse and retreats to his own dorm.

Hyunjin stays there, and watches him leave.

Everything looks normal as if nothing's changed. Then why can't he shake off the feeling that something is wrong? Been wrong... But he can't point it out yet.

***

The second week passed on just as quickly, he had managed to complete most of his daily missions just fine. There were only a couple of days that he could only drag his body out to the company, get through his schedule, and come back to his bed.

His mind was too exhausted to participate in anything more.

In general, however, nothing much has changed.

It wasn't like once night time fell and he was alone with his thoughts that he felt... this. This nagging, annoying feeling of nothingness. It was there, all the time, like a dark room that you're trapped in. You don't know where the light switch is or what's surrounding you and you're too fed up to even go in search of a way out.

Sometimes, he sees a door that opens, to an exit that he tries to ignore.

Otherwise, there's nothing there.

Everything was so, so pointless.

He gave himself the credit for still functioning though. For still being able to make it to work, to be with others, to act it out, to be consistent with this 1-month plan.

Jeongin sighs and blinks a few times to zone back in.

His noodles have gone cold.

He doesn't know how long he's been holding the chopsticks up mid-air.

He looks at the clock, throws the rest of his food away, and joins everyone else in the practice room.

It's when they're reviewing some old dances, that he catches himself in the giant wall mirror. And looks at his reflection. Really looks at it.

He seems... normal.

His hair is clean, thanks to the daily missions. His skin is glowing from the sweat. And his glasses reflect the light which hides the dullness of his eyes. It's as if nothing's changed.

His position is in the middle, he knows he should switch with Felix soon. He should move to the back now and Felix's going to sing this part.

But he's still looking at himself. In the floor-to-ceiling mirror, covering the walls. Man. What is wrong with him?

Everything's fine!

They should be, but it's not!

This is too frustrating.

He feels rage boiling up somewhere inside.

And he doesn't register the music that cuts off or his hyungs calling out to him.

All he wants is for everything to... stop.

Please... he doesn't want to be like this anymore. He doesn't want to be a burden. He doesn't want to be this way. He wishes- only if he was brave enough. Only if he wasn't such a pussy and could just-

Someone's hands on his shoulders bring him out of his thoughts. He's able to see his Chan hyung in front of him. Holding him by his shoulder and repeating that it's okay and to look at him.

Someone else's hands pad his cheeks.

Was he crying? how embarrassing... he's such a disappointment.

He should consider himself lucky that none of the staff are present today and it’s just them.

And without thinking anymore, he drapes himself into their leader's arms.

And sobs.

He sobs and wails so much that he can't breathe anymore.

Clenches so hard on Chan's shirt as if it's his last hope.

In some ways, it might be...

At that moment everything stops.

No thoughts, no voices, no time...

If only he could stay like this forever.

Chan's sitting on the floor now, rocking them side to side, patting their maknae's hair, and leaving kisses on the crown of his head.

Jeongin's cries are so heart-wrenching that break them all to pieces and leave them shattered and worried.

Chan gives others a panicked-confused look. Everyone meets his eyes but no one knows what's going on either.

Hyunjin can't take it anymore and drops down next to their maknae and leader.

Tears streaming down his own face.

He hugs him from behind. Hands circled around Jeongin's waist as he whispers brokenly into the younger's neck. "Our Innie... our aggi... my aggi... my pretty pretty aggi...  please don't cry? Tell hyungs what is wrong?" He leaves kisses here and there, wherever he can, honestly.

The younger's body would jolt harshly with the force of each sob.

Hyunjin thinks he could really either die or kill whoever was the cause.

Never has he ever thought he would be witnessing such a scene, in their practice room, and with their maknae of all people.

Their strong Innie who had everything figured out all the time. Their Innie who he would lean on in the bus and sleep on their way from school. Their Innie who would push their hugs away but they all knew he secretly loved them. Their beautiful strong Innie who... would pour everything into himself and barely talked with them anymore...

Minho had left the room some time ago. Not bearing to witness this and not being able to do something.

Jisung followed him shortly after.

Everyone else stays and witnesses the scene in utter confusion and broken hearts.

Once Jeongin is calmed down and his ragged breaths have become normal, he turns his head from Chan's chest. The first thing he sees is Felix's bloodshot eyes and tear-streaked cheeks.

"Yah! Yang Jeongin! Hurry up and tell who should hyung go and beat up? Just give me a name and I won't let them see tomorrow!" Changbin says, punching his own palm with his fist as if actually ready to beat the daylight out of anyone Jeongin says. They know he probably would, though, but right now the red tip of his nose betrays his tough front.

Me, Jeongin wants to say...

If only they knew...

He looks at Seungmin, now crouching down by Felix, a hand around the other's shoulder, he also looks to be on the verge of crying himself.

"Innie baby..." Jeongin jolts in his place, haven't realized Hyunjin's presence behind him till now.

He looks over his shoulder at him, a fresh set of tears is ready to fall down the dancer's cheeks, his lips pulled into a wobbly pout.

The youngest glances up at the oldest only to be met with a similar scene.

Jeongin detaches himself from their leader and the dancer, "Aish what the... are you guys baby now? Why are you all crying suddenly?!" He tries to laugh it off and wipes harshly on his eyes with his sleeves. It comes out wet and broken. Nothing like what he aimed for.

"I.N-ah-"

"I'm just going through my teenage mood swings. A bit late though." He grins up at them to be more convincing. It has the opposite effect.

Luckily Jisung comes to his rescue. "Did anyone say Innie is gonna go through mood swings again?!" He appears out of nowhere, hands full of fresh water bottles and snacks. Minho coming in tow. "Yah I.N-ah! Don't you dare! Don't you dare to go through the teenage phase ever again! Do you see these white hairs? These are because of you! I reaaalllyy can't tolerate that ever ever again!!"

The maknae doesn’t know if he did that consciously, understanding his struggle of avoiding the conversation or not. But he’s thankful anyway. Jisung’s sudden obnoxiously loud presence works like always as everyone laughs wetly, reminded of the pre-debut Jeongin.

Jeongin takes this chance to escape.

"Gonna wash up." mumbles to Chan and Hyunjin, before picking a water bottle and leaving the room.

Later that night, when everyone at the dorm had silently understood his choice and left him alone to sleep, Jeongin woke up with the clicking of his door and a few seconds later his bed deepened behind him.

An arm wraps around him over the blanket and brings him closer to a firm chest.

Minho

He drowsily realizes.

"I.n-ah... our cutie Innie... I don't know what's been going on, little bread... but hyung really wishes he could help..." the older mumbles before placing a long kiss on his temple and going to sleep.

For the rest of the week, nobody brings up the maknae incident in the practice room. Whether it is out of respect or uneasiness or simply they don't know how, Jeongin is thankful for it.

***

Most of his tasks during the third week involve a family member and some mundane activities. Such as going to work by bike, visiting a pet Cafe nearby, taking a stroll in the park, or just sitting outside during his break.

Between them all, there was probably only one that he could say wouldn't mind doing it again. And that was stargazing with Felix.

None of the duo knew much about the constellations and space but they were still very mesmerized.

It wasn't technically in his 1-month plan to go stargazing. Sort of just happened when they had to go to the suburbs to shoot something for a show.

"Aaargh! This is really nice!" Felix expresses as he stretches his body.

Both sitting on a bench, a few feet away from the rest of the group and the shooting crew.

"Hm, right" Jeongin responds. "Wish we could stay like this forever." He laughs and turns to give a smile to Felix who's been looking at him now, instead of the sky.

They've been sitting there for a while though. They should probably go back soon.

But neither of them mentions it.

Jeongin takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and tries to memorize the feeling of this moment. The scents, the quietness, the wind, the sounds, the warm presence beside him...

"Innieee~" Felix suddenly exclaims as he throws his arms around the younger. "I missed you!!"

Jeongin tries to loosen the arms around him, still laughing, "Yah! All of a sudden? What is wrong with you?!"

"Nothing~ Just suddenly missed you" Felix rubs his cheeks on the other's shoulder.

"What the- but we're literally seeing each other every day? We even live in the same dorm hyung!?" Jeongin chuckles, confused.

"I know! But it's just... I don't know it felt like it's been such a long time since we got to be like this together and I just had this sudden urge to SQUEEZE THE BABY BREAD TO FLAT BREAD!" He suddenly shrieks and squeezes the younger even more, true to his words.

"Noo! Hyung- I can't breathe let go~!" Jeongin whines and taps on the arms around his neck, but he's grinning nevertheless.

From afar they can hear their names getting called, and then their phones ring. Time to go back it seems.

***

Call it fate, but Jeongin calls it bad luck, as the same day he has chosen to do one of his daily missions with Jisung is the day when he experiences a panic attack after a very very long time.

And Jisung just so happens to be there because of their earlier plan of watching an anime together.

The one member who might be all too familiar with this situation, finds their maknae nearly hyperventilating on the floor of his bedroom.

"Shh- Shhh-" Jisung is by the youngest in no seconds, cradling his face in hands. "No no no! It's okay baby, just follow my breath. Follow my counts. 1, 2..."

It only takes a few seconds till the black dots disappear, the tingling-numbing feeling still present in his chest and limbs. He's too drained to even sit upright. And probably that is why Jisung is holding him in his arms. Sitting on his side while bracketing the younger between his legs.

Jeongin leans further into the other's chest and tucks his head under the rapper's chin.

Jisung is rubbing his arms, shoulders, back... anywhere he can reach. Whispering gentle words into his hair, although Jeongin is too exhausted to register.

He doesn't know how it exactly happened or why... maybe because of the 4 hours of sleep he got in the past two days, or the 12 cups of coffee he had today, or the meals he skipped, and the one-liter ice cream he devoured mindlessly on an empty stomach.

Maybe because of something more serious and emotional, like the earful he got from their manager earlier, or the not-so-friendly comments he's read about himself, or the stress of their live performance which would take place in one day.

Or maybe, all of these...

His brain is not functioning to its exact, but what he knows is that he feels too exhausted to live right now.

"Hm? What did you say aggi? Hyung couldn't catch that." Jisung asks, confused.

Ah, he might've said that out loud. "Nothing hyung... just that I'm really tired..." He decides to reply instead. "Whoa, my limbs are still shaking" He laughs. But they both know that it's a nervous laugh, to cover up his distress.

"Aigoo... what should we do~? Our bread is overcooked~" Jisung mutters after a while, poking the maknae's cheek with his fingers.

"That's right... maybe we should cook a new bread" Jeongin replies.

"As if! We only have one baby bread. And we will fill it with some cream cheese now so he'll be as good as new." And then he pulls out a box from their favorite bakery and opens it to show a variety of pastries. Grinning widely down at the younger, clearly satisfied with his choice.

"Woah! What the hell hyung?!" Jeongin laughs, surprised. "You actually bought cream cheese garlic bread?"

Jisung squeezes the other's cheeks together, making his lips pucker out "Of course, I brought bread for our baby bread!" He teases, lips pulled forward in a pout, and then shakes a plastic bag filled with snacks, "And a lot more snacks!"

"Argh hyung! Let gooo!"

"Aish Okay okay, let's go watch the best anime of all times that Han Jisung chose" and then he grumbles under his breath " Tsk, this kid! Refusing affection as soon as he's recovered."

"Yah hyung!"

"Sorry sorry!"

***

In one of their emails, Jeongin tells Junghyuk that he'd like to do something for his roommates since they are always caring so he’d like to give something back. Junghyuk suggests cooking them a dinner. Jeongin can't think of anyone else to help him out besides the second oldest, Minho.

Weirdly enough, the said boy doesn’t question him on his out-character request. After all, it’s not a secret that Jeongin would much rather help empty out the dishes than fill them in.

"I.N-ah, be careful of your fingers~"

"Yeees hyung"

"I.N-ah, this knife is very sharp, be careful~!"

"Yes Chef"

"I.N-ah, don't cut too much till the ends, it's dangerous, be careful~!"

"Yes hyung-nim"

"I.N-ah, watch out it's kind of complicated how to cut - wait, never mind I'll do this one."

"Hyung! I'm not a kid anymore, I can do it myself. Promise" Jeongin laughs at the face his hyung pulls. "Go. Go away. Go do your own things" and nudges him back to the other side of the kitchen with his forearm, since his hands are occupied.

Almost an hour later, everything is in the pot and boiling, it's only a matter before the others including the boys from the other dorm arrive. So they begin to set the table and prepare the side dishes.

Minho is humming a song, the ingredients boiling in the pot, and the smooth chopping sound of knife on wood, adds more comfort to the lazy evening they've spent cooking.

As he's mindlessly stirring one of the pans with the turner, Jeongin takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and tries to memorize the details of this moment.

The smell of tonight's dishes, the song his hyung's singing, the tastes of what they made so far, and... the softness of the hand that gives a light squeeze to his own...? He opens his eyes to meet Minho's.

He only smiles back. Gently.

As if... as if he knows something...

***

On the weekend, he goes out with some of his friends for a drink. It is fun. And he gets totally wasted, so much so that he almost gives the wrong address to the cab. He does end up at the wrong address in some way. He realizes it when his key isn't working and instead, the door opens after minutes with a confused Chan behind it.

"Innie?! I saw you in the peephole but wasn't sure why- oh" He halts, the strong smell of alcohol and the way the younger keeps bumping into the doorframe as he laughs out an incoherent of what sounds like a greeting is a clear declaration of why he’s at the wrong dorm. "Oh my, come on. Come inside kiddo." And with a hand around his waist, guides him to his own bedroom.

"Just Innie being drunk, I guess he gave the wrong address to the driver," Chan explains on their way, to Hyunjin who was standing curiously in front of his bedroom. Eyes wide awake, clearly hasn't gone to bed yet.

"Careful, careful!" Chan fusses when the younger plops down too close to the headboard as he lies him on the bed.

It's quiet for some minutes.

The leader just sitting there and looking at their maknae.

There's an uncomfortable frown on his face which Chan smoothes away.

Like this, lying down on the older's bed, he seems fine. Everything looks normal. He looks he’s even gained a little weight; his round bread cheeks make an appearance once more. And he's still waking up early and comes to practice. He's still working hard on his vocals and choreo. He's still making vlogs and updates their fans. He's still laughing and jokes around. Still acts annoyed at their affections and touches. All of these, sound the same norm they’re used to.

But Chan knew better. He knew he should trust his intuition.

And so he started to pay more attention. To the way their youngest is sleeping at any chance he gets but is never looking well rested. To the way he eats without stopping as if not truly realizing it. To the way his movements are almost always sluggish as if he's in a daze. To the way... To the way he zones out when no one’s around and immediately smiles and cracks a joke when someone approaches as if to distract them from what’s beneath. And mostly to the way he says everything is completely perfect and in control.

Chan knows.

He drags a finger down Jeongin's cheek. He thinks back to the younger's outbreak in the practice room not long ago, and wonders, when was the last time he saw their baby's eyes smiling.

He lets out a deep sigh. "I.N-ah, get up buddy, I need to change your clothes." The other only grunts, but turns on his back still "Let me get you in a more comfy one" Not relying much on the other, Chan starts undoing the buttons himself.

"Need help hyung?"

Chan flinches, not expecting Hyunjin’s sudden presence at his door. "Nah, I think I got it."

"Come on, I know Innie, he's a dead weight right now. Let me help." And so he comes forward to help lift the maknae up and change his clothes.

Once the shirt and pants are off, Jeongin shudders from the cold. Subconsciously inching closer to the warmth of Hyunjin's body on his side. "Mhm, hyung..."

"Aigoo! Look at our baby being clingy! Why you so cute!!" Hyunjin gushes and hugs the other closer to himself. He hands him a glass of water, and by the time Chan comes back with some pajamas from Hyunjin's room, Jeongin is a bit more alert and sober.

Once Chan and him are lying down, Hyunjin tucks them both in and covers them fully with the blanket. But before he can leave, the youngest surprises him by tightening his hold on his shirt and leaving a groan in protest.

"What is this?! Am I dreaming? Does baby want me to stay?" To which the other hums.

Frankly, Hyunjin's missed the younger. He’s always had a soft spot for the maknae and had a unique obsession with hugging and being near him. But lately, it’s been hard to reach the younger. He doesn't know how to phrase it or even why. Jeongin just felt really far away lately. And this little invitation wasn't something he could ever decline. So he pulls up the blanket and scoots under it.

It's a tight fit. Three grown men squished in Chan’s bed. With the maknae in the middle, draping half of his body on Chan while Hyunjin is hugging him like a plushie from behind. But as uncomfortable as it may be, it works out perfectly for them.

"Hmm, this is nice..." mumbles the youngest after a while.

"True."

"Yeah.."

"We should do this more... group cuddles" continues Jeongin.

Someone chuckles in response.

"As if you would ever let us."

"I will. Promise."

***

On Sunday, when the maknae is still sleeping his hangover away, Chan decides the seven of them need to hold a meeting.

Each leaves the dorm at different hours and Seungmin even goes as far as asking the youngest to join him on his shopping spree, just to not be suspicious.

"So..." Changbin breaks the silence after fifteen minutes of them just sitting there and looking at each other, at the back of a cafe.

The menu's on the table. Untouched.

Someone clears his throat and another moves his chair. But no one says anything.

Truth is, they all know why they are here, without their maknae. However, they don't know how to bring it up.

Surprisingly, it's Hyunjin who begins after some fidgeting and sniffling. "I... I know that Innie usually prefers to have his space. To- to be left alone for some time until he's comfortable enough to talk about whatever it is. But, what happened in the practice room... Gosh..." He goes to rub his hands on his face, but they just stay there, covering his eyes, and then with a weaker voice continues, "I really can't stand to see him like this anymore. What happened then... I don't want to believe that was our Innie..."

He says what's been on all of their minds.

"I don't know if it's just me... maybe I'm being too peculiar..." Jisung plays with his rings, "but I saw him doing this when we were on some activities together... it's quiet for some moments and then I'm looking at him and- I don't know, now saying it sounds really stupid and is probably nothing important... but he would close his eyes and take a deep breath and it's as if he's trying to absorb the moment as if- ugh never mind- no no forget it-"

"As if it's gonna vanish and he can never relive it...?" Minho cuts in and completes it in a tired whisper. But everyone hears it. And as though all of them have been holding their breath up till then, afraid to point out the elephant in the room, they simultaneously let out a deep exhale.

It's dead silence again.

A heavy tension present on their table.

And what adds more to that, is the fact that the oldest has not uttered a single word yet.

***

After some discussion with Junghyuk and the boy informing him of his score on PHQ, he is told that he should promise and see a psychiatrist since his score was over 20.. whatever that means.

They plan out his last week together, of things that he'd want to do and with whom. More like a mini bucket list.

And that is how he finds himself on a one-day boat trip to one of the more secluded islands with his family.

Next is Chan. He had once opened up to Junghyuk that he felt like a burden to one of his friends (their leader) the most. That how he thought life was unfair to this young man and how much he has to go through every day. One of his biggest wishes was that he could be a better friend (member) for him. To help lift some of that weight, but instead, he was just an extra load on his shoulders. And the current version of him could never be deserving of such hyung. He couldn’t explain more, due to the nature of their job and this situation.

Junghyuk, based on these bits of information tried to come up with a solution to the best of his power. He began with this question, what would be a version that deserved Chan?

Anything that he isn't. Was his reply

So upon further discussion, they decided Jeongin spend his free time after work at the older's office. To see if he could be of any help or just simply spend time with his hyung so as to not be lonely.

Jeongin takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and tries to memorize the details of Chan's office. The colors of the walls, the objects, the tapping of his feet, the tune that's being hummed, the warmth of the room, the texture of the sofa he's sitting on, the numbers of the books, the ticking of the clock...

"Innie baby..." the older gently calls.

Jeongin opens his eyes to see his hyung's face with a kind, knowing smile.

"Let's go home buddy, you can get a proper rest in your own bed." He pats the younger's back. And Jeongin checks the time, to see that he has fallen asleep for almost an hour.

***

It is on the third night of Jeongin's visits that the older decides he can't stand aside and not do anything just because the other prefers to be given space until he opens up.

And deep down, he knows it might never come, not this topic at least.

Chan has always had a parental relationship with the youngest. And just like a parent, sometimes he should take matters into his own hands. Sometimes what you want is not actually what you need. Sometimes you're too far gone to tell the right from wrong and need to ask for help.

So that's what Chan does, he sits Jeongin down that night for 4 hours and a half and tells him what he thinks Jeongin should do. Which is getting help, a professional help.

Their conversation was by no means easy.

That, Chan had predicted and was ready for. However, what caught him by surprise was the way Jeongin tried to dodge all the signs and facts about his condition.

"I'm not depressed! Sure I've been having some downtimes and been a little depressed, but I don't have depression! We all get sad and emo and I don't know, this job is a rollercoaster of emotions and mental breakdowns and you should know it the best of all people!"

"Exactly why I'm the one who's telling you that you need to see a psychiatrist! You've started,” Jeongin’s eyes widen. “Yeah don’t think you’re so furtive, and you sleep at random times yet you're always tired and just zone literally everything out all the fucking time-!"

"Oh. My. God! Maybe it's because I'm stressed the fuck out and I'm just procrastinating which adds to my stress-"

"You've had a freaking panic attack lately. You are the last member to expect to have an attack! A fucking full-blown breakdown in the middle of the freaking practice! For fuck's sake Yang Jeongin what are you trying to deny?!"

Chan's cursing. Which means he's super angry, for real. Jeongin knows the leader doesn’t curse that easily. Everyone knows that. And he also knows he should back down now before it escalates further. But that doesn't stop him for some reason.

"That got nothing to do with me being depressed or anything! I bottle up shits and I know that's not a good coping mechanism but I do this shit and it just happened to burst the fuck out in the middle of the practice! I'm sorry for that okay? But don't go around assuming I need help because I DON'T! I am completely fine and I've just been having a phase which I was overcoming before you decided to butt in!"

"How dare you talk to me like that Jeongin?!!! I'm trying to HELP you which you obviously fucking need but decided to be an ass about it and make all of us suffer!!!!"

And soon it ensues to a full-on fight where both parties are just screaming and refusing to back down. Saying hurtful things that none of them mean it. But you don't think rationally in the heat of the moment. Something the leader could have never, ever, in his life guess he would experience. Maybe with Jisung, could give the possibility with Hyunjin or Minho. But I.N... their polite and always smiley maknae could never be an option.

***

For the next few days, the oldest and the youngest completely ignore one another.

Jeongin, out of shame, can't even look Chan in the eyes and therefore goes to any lengths to not cross paths with the other.

The tension is so much that whenever the both of them are in the same room, everyone gets

Visibly uncomfortable and tensed.

Felix has tried a couple of times to ease the situation but to no avail.

Jeongin decides he will spare the others of such discomfort and ignores the rest of the members altogether.

Alone, he keeps on recalling what they said that night and the guilt intensifies each time, so much that by the end of the week, he thinks if he doesn't approach the older and apologize he's going to suffocate and drown in it.

Besides, his 1-month trial has come to an end and Junghyuk also suggests he should get professional help.

The effect of this trial, however, has not been much. He had made good memories and started to force himself to do his basic hygiene, sure, but at the end of the day, he still didn't feel much different. Doesn't feel anything at all...

***

When he knocks on the leader's bedroom door that night, he has a good feeling that this will go well. After all, the older just wanted him to meet a psychiatrist and Jeongin thinks his love for the other is so much more than his own preferences. If it'll make him happy, then so be it. He will suck it up, admits to him he needs help, and will go with it. It's not like this could get any worse, anyway.

“Yes? Come in,” and he does.

Over the weekend, Jeongin finds not only Chan but all the others also busy either searching on their computers or being on a call with someone. All of them after one thing, a good psychiatrist they and their maknae can trust.

The action on its own is so heartwarming that brings tears to Jeongin's eyes. But it also breaks something inside him. He's not deserving of such kindness.

He starts to wonder, what if even after all of these, nothing still changes? What if they try so hard for him but he still fails? What if this is just like all the other things, where he's just so bad that no amount of work would fix it? And he gets dragged into a spiral of what-ifs...

He blinks, registering Chan's voice, that's calling him, waving a hand in front of his face.

Oh... that's right, he wanted to come with him to his first session of therapy.

And right now, they are at his first session of therapy.

At the doctor's office.

And it's his turn.

And that's what Chan's trying to tell him.

 "...Innie, go! Up buddy. Come on it's our turn. Let's go"

He takes the offered hand, and just like an actual kid, trails after his hyung.

Except, he's an adult.

A fully grown adult who technically should be able to do his shits.

Yet here he is.

Sitting on the velvet couch with too many cushions that barely left any space for them, his hyung's hand still clenched in his own, and at a loss of words for the simple question asked

"so, what brought you here Mr.Yang?"

***

Jeongin appears live in front of the Stays for the first time after almost five months for

Hyunjin's birthday.

And he looks happy. He probably cracks more jokes in that one-hour live than most of his career altogether. And the birthday boy laughs so much that he's shedding tears by the end of it all.

The hyungs have noticed this change. And so the Stays. After all, they're meeting their maknae go live after such a long time.

Jeongin uploads another video of The Private Life of The Maknae after a one-year hiatus. Everything looks fine in that video. He's gone about his day. Does normal stuff and all. Changbin even appears for some minutes of it.

And it's as if nothing's changed.

Stays seem to appreciate the change a lot. Commenting on how they were worried for the youngest as he wasn't very active lately, but seeing him happier than ever has warmed their hearts.

Jeongin's going to his therapy sessions twice a week. And it seems fine.

From time to time he would actively go up to his hyungs and hug them, saying that he's working on himself and these are part of his homework, to not shut down his emotions.

Felix, the forever cuddle lover, seems to be liking this change the most.

On one of the nights, where the younger is cuddling up to him on the couch, Jeongin opens up to him about the guilt he feels, from all the time he would push away their affections as a joke and maybe he shouldn't have... and part of this is for himself rather than what the therapist said.

Of course, Felix argues and denies it. Says that they all knew how much he loved them as it was just how he was and they wouldn't have it any other way.

But he also knows when he's trying so desperately for the younger to see his point, he doesn't truly believe the words.

The next morning, the Australian boy wakes up with a human-sized fox plushie in his arms.

 It's a red fox. Sleeping on Its stomach. And with Its stretched tail behind it, is almost as tall as Felix. Just the perfect size and material to sleep with.

It becomes an inseparable part of his sleeping habits, hugging the red fox.

***

Hyunjin is scrolling mindlessly on his phone when he hears something crash in the hallway. More like a series of things splattering altogether.

He frowns, puts his phone down, and goes to check what is going on. As long as he knows, he should be alone in the dorm for the next few hours.

The unfolded scene, however, is so unexpected that is... expected?

There, in the middle of a pile of wooden boards, is sitting their maknae, looking up at Hyunjin with an apologetic smile.

The older laughs, "I.N-ah! What are you doing?"

"Um.. yeah... I..." struggling to find an explanation, Hyunjin takes pity on him and instead crouches down to help him clean the mess.

Is he surprised that I.N showed up at their dorm with a bunch of wood boards? Yes. But is he surprised that I.N is the one behind this mess? Nope.

He picks up a small notebook, of what seems to be the instructions guidelines. "Um. Aesthetic pottery wheel..?" He reads out loud. Unsurely. "Innie? What in the world is this?"

"What you just read," he replies sarcastically.

The older rolls his eyes, "Like, why would you get this?"

"Duh hyung! It's for you. Put two and two together old man" He laughs. Continuing to pick up the pieces.

Hyunjin, being Hyunjin, suddenly shrieks and tackles the younger trying to kiss him. "You bought this for ME?!!"

Just then the front door opens, and comes in Chan.

"Hyung!! Help meee!! Hyunjin hyung is killing meee!"

Chan laughs, instead he joins the couple on the floor. Putting them both in a headlock.

"Nooo~ this is attempted murder!! Let go of me!! I'll sue you! " The younger keeps on struggling. But the other two just laugh.

Soon enough, the maknae manages to escape them and they all put the table pieces together and the pottery wheel in Hyunjin's art room.

Chan is high-key proud of himself for forcing the younger into therapy. After almost three months, the younger's condition seems to be getting better. He looks more energetic and happier. Aside from being more touchy and funny, he participates in more outside activities with his family and friends, too.

Everything seems fine. It is promising.

***

It's on a Monday that Jeongin bursts into Minho's room at 10 in the morning, and demands the older to accompany him for gift shopping.

When Minho agreed he totally was not expecting for them to end up at a Houseware and home decor store, but he doesn't question it either.

However, he does raise an eyebrow when Jeongin basically drags him to the knives section and asks him which set is the best as a present.

Jeongin ends up going all the way out and throws a bunch of other things in their basket before checking out. Which happens to be a giant air fryer and a vegetable cooker.

But once back at home he decides he doesn’t need any of them for this friend of his and gives them to Minho. The latter pretends he didn’t notice that these new additions in their kitchen are exactly the ones he pointed out at the store.

At the end of the day, when they're back home and Jeongin is helping him cook something for dinner, Minho can't help but ask what's been on his mind for quite some time now, "I.N-ah, I know you don't really like talking about these... but I was wondering, how are the therapy sessions going? Is it... any good?"

The younger halts his chopping for a second before continuing on, "Yes, it's okay I guess..? I mean it's not the most comfortable thing talking about this thought or that emotion, you know? But... I guess it's fine, yeah."

The older is quiet for some moments, thinking. "I guess... right." He eventually nods back.

***

Seungmin noticed that the younger started going to therapy three times a week.

Even though every time he comes back he looks exhausted and sometimes his eyes are a bit puffy, he appears to be doing better in general. By the way he's been planning something with everyone lately.

This time it's his turn it sounds. The maknae's been bugging him for a week now, to go to the arcade together. Finally, Seungmin finds a spot in their schedule that both have free, and they manage to visit the new arcade that's opened a couple of weeks before.

Jeongin is adamant about trying every single one of the machines there and doesn’t back down until he wins at least once. The delighted smile after his victories was so bright and heartwarming that Seungmin’s equally competitive side decided it wouldn’t hurt to lose a couple of rounds just to see that face more.

On their way home, looking at Jeongin’s prizes that he’s carrying for the other, Seungmin realizes that he’s goner for his only and slightly crazy dongsae.

Seungmin also notices that the younger goes to therapy at very random and odd hours.

***

There's a saying that unhappy people are sensitive to the unhappiness of others.

And Han Jisung believes that it's true.

The word unhappiness dives more than what we think in this phrase.

Unhappiness doesn't typically mean sadness. You can be unhappy but not sad.

You can be unhappy and angry.

You can be unhappy and tired.

Or you can be unhappy and... nothing.

You can be unhappy and... feel- nothing.

To simplify it, unhappiness is the absence of happiness. But it's not like some physics laws where you get to have a specific definition.

It's not like cold is the absence of heat or darkness is the absence of light... No, it's much more than that.

Sometimes it could be unhappiness and sadness. Or unhappiness and disgust. Or unhappiness and fear.

Or unhappiness and... happiness.

Jisung would like to call that depression. Where underlying all the emotions there's a void of happiness. And when you're alone with your thoughts and no one else to keep you going through, you notice the nothingness. The hollow and emptiness of something that used to be there but no longer is.

Looking at their maknae now, he wants to fill him with so much happiness that there would be no space for anything else.

He's literally pulled out of his thoughts, by the said boy. Yanked from the sofa and to the dance floor where everyone's dancing like there's no tomorrow.

The club is packed although being reserved for this occasion, the number of guests who joined the after party probably exceeded the capacity.

Jisung grins back at their drunk maknae. He's laughing.

Head thrown back and enjoying the music.

Hyunjin and Minho join them and they're all lost to the world. Screaming something over the music and laughing about it.

It's a fun time.

Something that all of them needed, definitely.

But even then, Jisung wonders, has nobody really noticed the emptiness in the maknae's eyes?

The lack of happiness even when he's drunk?

Even when laughing?

Especially when laughing...

"HYUNG! STOP OVERTHINKING IT! YOU SHOULD ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS!!" Jeongin shoves a glass of some sort of cocktail in his hands and screams over the music. The big toothy smile and the round bread cheeks would be the last thing Jisung remembers of that night.

***

Changbin's on a two kids room with Jeongin when he realizes that something is terribly wrong with their maknae.

They were talking about how busy they get that sometimes they don't realize it's been hours. When slowly, the topic starts to revolve more around time and zoning out rather than busy schedules. "Do you think it's normal by the way?" Changbin asks.

"What, exactly?"

"Like, sometimes I get so immersed that I just blink and it's suddenly tomorrow. You think this normal?"

"Honestly? I don't know," the younger chuckles nervously, "This happened to me, too. But I can't say if it's normal, cause nothing's been normal with me recently. You can't rely on my answers" and then he starts laughing. A completely empty laugh.

For the sake of the program and their staff, Changbin laughs along and swiftly changes the subject.

But now there's a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that wasn't there before.

***

"I don't think Innie is going to his therapy" Changbin blurts out some days later while the four of them are having breakfast in their dorm. Jisung hums over his bite, eyes too sleepy to open, but agrees anyway. Chan stops his spoon of cereal midway and Hyunjin chokes on his coffee. Almost splattering the whole thing out but plays it off as the drink being too hot. Maybe it was, but no one really cares.

"Wha- What do you mean? But he's improved so much?" Chan stutters out, confused.

Changbin sighs, "I don't know about you guys but he doesn't seem better to me. At all. Sure he's more social now and spends more quality time with us, but he isn't better. Like, if you want to count mindlessly walking into the street or standing there while your trashcan is on fire or simply waiting for the microwave to warm your food while it's been finished twenty minutes ago and you just didn't realize it as improvements then go ahead, but clearly he's getting worse."

"Woah woah woah! Wait a goddamn minute! Trashcan on fire?! When did that happen?" Jisung cuts in, now fully awake.

"Not sure, about- last week?"

They're all still looking at Changbin with wide eyes. So he continues. " I just walked in the office and saw the trash can on fire with Innie just standing by and... watching... Like, he was just watching! As if the whole thing was a show on TV and he was scrolling on. Then I flipped the can and luckily it was almost empty and small, so it was only the plastic bag-"

"But like how did it get on fire in the first place?!"

"Don't know... maybe he threw out his cig? ... I don't know, really.."

"Oh my.."

Chan finally drops his spoon back into the bowl, and Hyunjin runs a frustrated hand in his hair.

***

It's some nights later when Jisung hears a knock on his office room and behind, is standing the maknae.

With a box. A wrapped box. A gift.

Jisung looks up at the other questioningly.

Jeongin only grins wider, before pushing the box into his chest. "What the- for me?"  The other nods. "OH MY GOD!!! My little Innie got me a gift!" The rapper jumps on the boy and smothers him with kisses. "To what do I owe this?! I might've been an angel in my previous life," he sheds fake tears.

Once he's calmed down and they're both sitting inside, Jisung goes to shake the box and guess what's inside from the sound.

"Nooo!!" The younger jumps in to stop his action. "Don't shake it hyung, you might break it!"

"Okay okay! But seriously what is it for Innie?"

"It's just a little something. You can count it as an early birthday gift?"

"But, my birthday isn't in... like.. two months...?"

"I know! Ugh hyung~ stop asking so many questions and just open it! You're embarrassing me" He mumbles from behind his hoodie, where he's tucked his head in like a turtle to hide.

The older chuckles but does as told. Inside the box is a humidifier. A multifunctional humidifier that he put on his list to buy later. "Wow!! Innie!!! Thank you!!" He's looking back and forth between the device and the covered head of the maknae with wide glittering eyes. "Are you serious? Really, you didn't have to baby! Thank you so much! Wait, how'd you even know- never mind, thank you again AGGI!!"

Then he's putting his present down and goes to tackles the other on the sofa with more kisses and thank yous while the other begs for him to stop the suffocation and of course he doesn't.

***

Changbin wonders, as he's getting dragged to the pool by the maknae, if this is what their leader meant that day over the breakfast table, by the younger being more engaged and seeming happier and more active.

At first glance, it sure looks that way. But is it really? Is he really making process in healing or simply learning how to hide what's been going on?

He thinks it's the latter. Jisung would surely agree. And so would Minho and Hyunjin. He hasn't talked to Felix or Seungmin, yet, but is sure they're on the same boat.

Chan, however, not so much.

Even though he's not a stranger to mental illnesses himself, Changbin believes their leader is in denial.

Trying to avoid the fact that his efforts, their efforts are futile.

After all, you can only save the ones who want to be saved.

As Jeongin jumps into the pool merrily and splashes at his hyungs immediately, Changbin sits on the edge of the pool and watches. Trying to figure out what color is their Innie's world right now.

***

Somehow their room arrangement for this SKZ code episode ended up similar to their current sleeping pattern. With the 3racha in the same room, Minho and Hyunjin in the second room, and Felix, Seungmin with Jeongin in the last room.

As maknae line is lying down waiting for sleep to come, Felix fills the silence with a random question.

"If you had a superpower, like not a power to be a hero and all. Let's just say it was normal for people to have some... powers, if that was a thing, what would yours be?" He asks, looking at the other two for a reply.

"Hmm, I'm not sure... since you asked this, why don't you go first" Seungmin decides.

Felix nods. "Fair. Well... if I had a superpower it would be superspeed or flying? Maybe? I don't know, I feel like everything would be easier that way, transporting everywhere easily."

Seungmin goes for mind reading, and Jeongin... it takes long enough for his reply to come that the other two assume he fell asleep.

"Innie?" Felix whispers. Just to be sure that he’s sleeping. But the younger hums back, "I think... maybe invisibility? Sometimes... I just want to vanish and never come back... like... be gone. Forever..." He finally answers in a hushed, tired voice.

It's silent.

"You do though... disappear." Seungmin whispers.

"Hm?"

"You do disappear sometimes. Like, you are there, but not really? You know, the other day. When you've spent three hours in the shower. I left the house when you got in but when I came back you weren't there. I thought you left too. But then the bathroom door was locked when I wanted to go in... the water wasn't running and no sound was coming from the shower. So I just thought nobody should be in there. You were though. But you didn't reply until I called you for the tenth time, maybe... It was just as if you had disappeared. Apparated somewhere else and back in the shower again."

Seungmin finishes and Felix shifts uncomfortably in his space.

"Aah... I was really tired, I kinda fell asleep back there with open eyes, I told you then too" Jeongin explains and tries to laugh it off.

But Seungmin is not buying any of that. "Except, that wasn't the first time. Nor was it the last. It's been happening for so long. It keeps happening! Now it's just more. You literally space the fuck out Jeongin, and it's not a normal daydreaming you do in class, you legit lose connection with the whole universe for hours for fucks sake!" By now Seungmin's sitting on his spot, chest heaving from the mixture of emotions he's trying to keep in control. Sadness, anger, helplessness, confusion...

It no longer is a random question to fill the silence. It’s addressing the elephant that’s been there for god knows how long. Standing in a corner, in the shadows as if that would help hide its giant shape.

"So what if I space out from time to time Seungmin?! It's not like I'm hurting anyone or something! I don't get what you're trying to prove here, at the ass crack of dawn. Just let us sleep and I do you a favor and fucking forget this ever happened. You are very much welcome!" Jeongin turns the other way, puts his head under the pillow, and tugs the blanket over his head harshly.

"Why did you stop your therapy?" This time it's Felix. He asks in a scared cautious voice.

The youngest visibly stiffens.

Seungmin chuckles humorlessly, "Yeah you thought we wouldn't find out, but surprise! We're not dumb!"

"I didn't need it anymore..." comes out Jeongin's muffled voice from under the pillow.

"What did you say?" Felix asks just to be sure he heard it right.

"I said I didn't need it!" He replies louder this time.

"Oh, my, God! He says he didn't need it-!" Seungmin cuts himself off with Felix's sharp glare. He takes a deep breath. Sure he's worried and angry and wants to just help Jeongin. Tired of seeing his only dongsae in this spiral of nothingness. Tired of seeing him leave his room with puffy red eyes and tired of pretending that he doesn't notice. But he knows better that lashing out and letting his desperation get the best of him isn't the answer.

So he shuts his mouth and lets the oldest in the room take it from there.

"Innie-ah... you know therapy can help-"

"I don't need help! Don't you understand?! I'm not some sick kid who needs to be cured!! I'm just sometimes not in the mood and that's it!" Jeongin throws the blanket away and sits up. Finally facing them since the start of this conversation. The pillow falls off the bed, but no one cares. "I don't need therapy! I don't want to go there only for them to give me some fucking anti-depressants to make me feel numb! I don't need numb. I already am numb! I'm not sad or- or depressed or whatever! I don't want to pay someone just to bitch to them about my day and in the end, they ask me how I feel and I'm going to end up looking at them like some stupid shit because I don't know how I feel or what is wrong with me! And I don't want someone else to try to run tests on me to figure that out for me 'cause how the hell you're supposed to know when I, myself, am not sure in the first place?!" He's crying by now. Nothing much is visible in the darkness of the room, but he's sniffling and his voice keeps breaking at the end of each line.

Jeongin turns to Seungmin, "And for your information, I did go to the goddamn therapy and I did take their medication. And you want to know how that felt? Nothing! It was nothing and I'm already feeling nothing!! I don't need to not feel under a layer of infinite nothingness! I already got enough of that shit!!"

Jeongin hiccups, breath ragged, and head hidden behind his palms. For a second there, Felix thinks he can physically hear both his and Seungmin's hearts break. And he tries to wipe his own tears only for more to replace them.

They simultaneously get up to sit by his sides and cover the youngest in the warm cocoon of their arms.

"Innie... baby... wish you would've told us sooner.. wish you would let us in... all we've ever wanted was to be able to help.. in any way..." the Australian whispers into the other's hair. Touching the spot softly with his lips.

Jeongin wishes he could tell Felix how there's nothing for them to help with. How he's too far gone that none of them would be able to understand or do anything.

But he's too tired for that. He's too tired to talk anymore.

"I'm going to throw all those pills down the therapist's throat. Clearly, she's shit at her job" Seungmin's comment manages to pull out a wet laugh from the maknae. "But seriously, I think this therapist was just not good for you."

No one else says much and soon sleep finds its way to their exhausted eyes.

But little did they know, that the other five boys from next doors could hear all their conversations. And for one of them, it was a sleepless night.

***

Unfortunately, or not, depending on who's side you're looking from, their schedule becomes too hectic from then on that they barely have any time for themselves let alone getting a therapy appointment and talking about mental health.

So Jeongin pushes it back and continues on how he deems it right. Which is ignoring the obvious. And on the way, finds an alternative remedy.

It's not at a party or some shady corner of the street. His friend bought them for his birthday and is told they work like caffeine pills, boosting your energy so you can jump rope throughout the day without ever feeling exhausted.

It sat on his desk for months. Until one day he randomly throws it in his bag before rushing out the house to catch up to the others for their first interview of that day.

Jeongin is not naive enough to try something right before an interview. He tries it after the first interview when everyone is tired. Away from the watchful eyes of their manager and his hyungs. That's how he manages to go through the day with splendid energy. It couldn't have gone better. Simply put, perfect. He was abnormally chatty during the interview and uncharacteristically funny in front of the camera. He had so much energy and felt so alive that he even humored his hyungs and played along with their antics.

And once they were back home at around 2 a.m., the drug was wearing off pretty fast. He could feel the exhaustion in his bones. Straight to the bed, he was knocked out in mere seconds.

It couldn't get any better, honestly. He got to sleep at night and he had energy during the day. And after years, he finally felt he was doing something right.

Everything was going well, but Jeongin should've seen it coming. That all good things come to an end.

So did this.

With Hyunjin.

Frankly, it wasn't all that coincidental when Hyunjin walked into the bathroom of their changing room and acted surprised when he saw the younger there, claiming he thought it was empty.

He had his suspicions. Saw him before taking these pills. Away from the others and at random times or days. He knew based on a talk with other members, the maknae wasn't going to therapy. He could only guess that these pills weren't also prescribed. But to avoid complications he decided to make sure of it first.

"Oh, sorry Innie. Thought it was empty." He gives a sheepish smile.

Hyunjin glances at the yellow bottle of pills in the other's hand. Jeongin not so swiftly moves it behind him and the dancer quickly glances at the walls. He awkwardly clears his throat. "Anyway. I'll- uh... The show starts in ten minutes so you better hurry." Hyunjin rushes to say and leaves the bathroom just as fast.

The dancer briskly walks to a secluded corner and finally lets out the breath he didn't know was holding. Before he knows it, his throat is clogging up and he's sliding down the wall. He tries to calm his mind with deep breaths but on his third try he's heaving and then he's letting out a dry sob. He bites on his fist to quieten down his cries.

He tells himself the show is in a few minutes and he needs to calm down. But the image of those pills in Jeongin's shaky hands, his panicked eyes, his rapidly vanishing smile, the little boy he was all those years ago and what has he become, his little brother, their baby, the fact that they can't do anything and any confrontation has only made it worse, the helplessness he feels right then, all these keep spiraling in his head and make his vision go blurry. From the unshed tears or the dizziness that keeps getting worse, is not of matter. All the moments he had spent with the youngest and in how many of them was he actually struggling and Hyunjin just didn't realize. The thought of I.N.'s smile being fake all these times makes him feel sick. He hates himself for not being able to do anything. He hates himself for being this useless and scared. He hates-

"Hyunjin-ah! Yah!!" Minho's crouching down in front of the younger. Face scrunched up in

worry upon finding the other in such a state.

The said boy opens his eyes, not realizing he's been sobbing so much that he blocked everything else. "H-Hyung-" He hiccups.

"Shh- it's okay. Come on," Minho hugs the younger and gently pats his nape.

"Here, have some water."

After taking a couple of sips Hyunjin is visibly calmer and can finally speak. "I... I saw Innie... in the toilet... and he- he had this yellow bottle in his hand- oh God..." He sighs, feeling nauseous. "I- I've seen him taking pills from that same bottle before. He always tries to be discreet about it... and it just never sat well with me... I- fuck... I'm not even sure what that is. But seeing him there and just... I don't know... I don't know anything anymore-"

"It's alright. I know how you feel. We all feel this way... the confusion... the helplessness... I know Jinnie..."

They're quiet for some moments, before Minho's phone is ringing.

"yes- yes- I found him- okay, bye" he hangs up and ushers the blonde boy to get up and they're both running toward the changing room.

As Hyunjin's about to open the door, the older hold his hand mid-way, "Don't worry right now. Just focus on the performance and we will talk more about it later. Yeah?"

"Yes."

***

The thing about Jeongin is, that even before all of this, even when he was just a loud teenager, he barely liked talking about himself or opening up. He always said the same thing, well what can I say when there's nothing to talk about?

Hyunjin swallows thickly at the sudden rush of memories. Takes a deep breath and knocks on the maknae's door.

A few days ago, Minho had managed to get his hands on the bottle Jeongin's been chugging down lately. Took a picture of it and just for safe measures, hid one of them in a plastic bag for later use.

They decided to not mention it to others before they were sure themselves.

It could be a multivitamin for all they knew.

After running a quick research on the name and the side effects, it turned out to be a calming pill for some neurodivergents which, used on neurotypical people could have the opposite effect and make them hyperactive.

To some extent working similarly to a caffeine pill.

The relieved sigh the both of them let out at the end of the article was so loud that drew a raised brow from Changin at the other side of the room. The way they were both hunched over the small screen of Hyunjin's phone and were sitting on the couch for almost fifteen minutes straight was truly questionable. But bless Changbin for minding his own business and not pestering them for an answer. Cause they definitely weren't ready to break the news to others, yet.

And that's why Hyunjin's decided he should talk to the boy first. He thought Jeongin deserved to give an explanation before all of them jump to conclusions and demand the poor boy for an explanation.

"Yes?" There's a bit of shuffling, "Come in!"

The dancer thinks about how time has changed. He never used to knock on the maknae's door. Especially after they switched dorms and he had a room to himself. Hyunjin would slam the door open and just throw himself on the bed, with or without Innie on it.

This time, he slowly opens the door and pokes his head inside unsurely. "Aggi~" he smiles at the sleepy eyes of the younger which is the only visible part that is not hidden under the blanket. "My aggii~" Hyunjin closes the door and drapes himself on top of the other. The sheets are cold. The room is cold. The AC is on 16c, Hyunjin reads. He uses that as his excuse to get under the blankets too.

"Ugh, hyung~" Jeongin whines a little but then the older is hugging him tightly, kissing his forehead while humming a song so he stops. "What's the occasion?" He whispers, even though it's not that late and everyone else is awake doing something. It just doesn't feel right to speak in a louder volume when you're in bed and the lights are off.

"What occasion? Me? here?"

"Hm,"

"Nothing, just missed my little boo"

Jeongin only hums.

But after a few minutes of silence, he asks again. "Seriously though. I know you wanna say something. You are giving the big-talk vibe, not the chilling-with-maknae vibe."

Hyunjin sighs in defeat. Might as well just admit it. "Yeah... yes, I- wanted to talk to you about something... "

And so they talk, mostly Hyunjin. Probably he needed this talk more than the younger. They talk until dawn. Until their eyes are burning from the tears. Until their throat is raw and their brain can't stay awake anymore.

Hyunjin talks about his worries for the younger. About his undying love for him. About how he's been miserable and just tries to hide cause it's not his place to be sad when his baby is struggling. He talks about how he wished he could help and how he wished he realized sooner. He talks about all the times he noticed Jeongin spacing out but didn't say anything. He talks about how scared he was when he noticed him starting to do everything mindlessly. Not caring at all. He talks about how much he would give anything for the younger if he knew that would help. He talks about how much he missed him and how much he wants to turn back time.

And Jeongin only listens for the most of it.

However, he also talks about how it isn't Hyunjin's fault or anyone's. He ensures the older, that if anything were to happen none of them should ever blame themselves. That he is old enough to decide for himself and he is the one to face the consequences of his actions. He tells the older how much he loves him, too. And how much he wishes he could turn back time, too. Besides the reassurance, he doesn't comment on anything else.

It’s supposed to be comforting. The younger’s words. But somehow they have the opposite effect. It doesn’t sit well with him. Instead, they plant a new seed of worry in the dancer’s heart.

Once the first rays of sun fall into the room, Hyunjin hugs the maknae tighter to his chest and stares at the unopened bottles of different pills on his bedside table. There's a marked date on his table calendar. Is coming back. It reads, and the days after are crossed out. Today is one of those, too. Crossed over. Jeongin is probably in his down phase again. Hyunjin realizes.

***

It's not that they can tell when exactly it started or how long Jeongin's been like this. They're not sure if it's only depression anymore. As much as they know, the youngest has been faking his way through it. And they guess the only reason they could find something was up was solely because of the little slip-ups here and there or the days when he looked too tired to fake it.

Jisung says based on his own experience whenever he's happy, he really is happy. And it's not a constant of down moods. More like episodes that come and last for about a week or two and then he's kind of back to normal? They all had their fair share of experience with mental health issues, be it panic attacks, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, depression, or OCD, they either had first-hand experience or knew someone close to them with these problems. After all, they're idols. And it's... normal in this industry.

But it's all different for anyone. And they eventually open up about it and usually get help. Only now, it's not the case. Jeongin was always the type to bottle up his problems until they overflowed and on top of it all, he's learned how to lie his way out of confrontation with any personal problem.

So simply put, their hands are kind of tied.

The seven of them find themselves yet again at the back of the same cafe, at the same table, for the same reason.

This time Minho nudges Hyunjin to talk about what they know.

Hyunjin awkwardly clears his throat to get their attention, "I- I've been kind of suspected something for a while now... Um, first of all, we wanted to say that we did our research and I've also talked to Innie and-"

"Can you be a bit more clear? We're not really catching up Jinnie" Felix stops him.

"Uh- Yeah- well-"

"Ugh, Hyunjin-ah!” Minho groans, but without waiting for the other continues. “We saw Jeongin taking some pills which Hyunjin was kinda suspicious of, ‘cause he's been taking them rather secretly. But we did our research and it's nothing to worry about, there- now you go" Minho ushers him to continue with a you're very welcome smile.

"Right.. and I talked to him a couple of days ago... actually, we talked about a lot of things. And he said he would stop the pills and that he also did his own research and they were not really dangerous and we shouldn't start thinking things when I come and tatter to you guys-" He takes a deep breath, " and well, he said he would rather we just confront him instead of going behind him but like he said it as a joke but I don't think he was really joking honestly. Also, he said he would consider the therapy again and maybe this doctor wasn't it for him. He's willing more to see a psychologist though.."

"That's- both great and bad news! But more good news!!" Chan says, positively. "I guess it is what it is... anything is better than being left alone with your thoughts tho... right?"

They all agree. And the mood is visibly lightened as they order some drinks and talk more about what they should be doing and other mundane things. Chan thinks it is as though everything is going to be fine.

***

Once upon a time, Chan said in one of his Channie room episodes, that sometimes even though you try to be perfect and the best, it just doesn't work. You always try to satisfy everyone but when you look back you think you could've done better.

That, Jeongin calls motivation. When even though you're not satisfied with what you've done, you still try harder cause you know you can do it better. But... but what if when you look back, you know you can't do better. What if you look back and instead you think am I ever gonna be like that again? Can I? Or it's just gonna go down from here?

Jeongin thinks not giving up even when things get hard and you face failure is important. But knowing when to give up after facing so many failures is more important. Sometimes, you go through something so much and have tried every possible way but still got the same result that not doing anything is better than something.

It's ironic how it's the man himself, their leader, who finds his last search, When is it better to give up than keep going on?

The silence once Chan hands him his phone is very awkward.

They're all in the changing room. The stylists are rushing about and some of the members are trying to catch a quick nap. Jeongin was getting his hair done and had asked the oldest to pass him his phone. Big mistake. Cause right after Chan reads what's on the open screen his brows contort in confusion and then, blank.

A few seconds of this awkward silence before Chan excuses himself and leaves the room. Jisung looks worriedly between the door and the maknae.

Felix leaves after the leader.

The Aussie boy finds their leader in an empty hallway, not far from their room, crouched down by the wall, head between his hands.

He bends down and sits beside him, lending him a comforting side hug. Squeezing his shoulders gently, to say that I'm here.

"I don't know where did I go wrong?"

"It's not your fault, hyung."

"I- everything was going good. I don't know what happened?"

"Hyung, it's not your fault. "

"When did things go down, Lix? He was this dorky kiddo one second and now this- how could I not realize it sooner?"

"This wasn't up to you, it's not like that."

"But maybe if I had done something sooner-"

"No, we both know how this is. We couldn't do anything. Believe me, you're not the only one wondering about the what-ifs. But in reality, none of us could've done any more. It's... it's all in his head. And you know it, too."

"Then what can we do? I- I know he's comfortable with this new therapist and is going to his sessions... but still! I can't just stand there and not do anything! I- I can't do nothing. I want to help-"

"But there's nothing more to-"

"I need to help. Lixie, for even my own sanity, I need to do something." And his voice breaks. And there's fear in his eyes. But the reason stays unsaid. They both know it though. And they're both equally afraid to voice their thoughts.

Because at the end of the road, I won't be able to forgive myself if anything happens.

At last, Chan decides he would be satisfied enough if he could attend the therapies with the younger, drop him off, and pick him up. It's only an hour and Chan would rather have his mind at ease than get some work done half-assed.

He had prepared a long explanation of why he would like to accompany the younger to his sessions. He had even come up with plan B and C. But to his surprise, Jeongin agreed without any complications or questions once he dropped the idea.

Little did he know, the younger had followed Felix that day from the changing room.

***

Oddly enough, after so many months, it's Changbin who's the first to find the younger

smoking. They all knew, and Jeongin didn't try much to be discreet about the smell either. But none of them has ever seen him smoking. And for some reason, actually watching the maknae with a lit up cigarette between his lips hit differently than knowing about it.

The outside air is getting colder, long gone the cozy summer breeze.

"Want one?" Changbin can't tell if the puff of steam, as Jeongin speaks, is his breath or smoke. They're standing out of their company, in front of the emergency doors at the back.

Changbin had never come here before, but Jeongin said if he needed he could find him here. He didn't need Jeongin but thought he would like to spend his break with the other.

The rapper thinks to reply with a joke about the cigarette intoxicating his healthy muscles but then decides against it. "Nah, I'm good."

They stand there, in silence, for quite a while. Until Jeongin finishes his second smoke. And then the third. Or the third one since Changbin got there.

He's about to say something when the maknae fishes for the fourth one. But Jeongin beats him to it.

"You know it's not always like this. Some days I wake up and everything's fine. I feel like I'm healed. There isn't this constant heaviness on my chest. My brain isn't fogged up with repeated facts of how fucked up I am. Some days I wake up and I think I can do it. I can be better. But then it hits again. And I'm back in a dark room in my head. And there's no way to find the light switch..." there's silence as Jeongin inhales the smoke.

"I think I'm in a constant battle with my own brain. And the worst part is even though you know what's going on, you can't stop yourself from getting worse...

It just adds to the misery somehow. Makes it worse when you got so many examples of people struggling with the same shit or even worse around you, and succeeding to overcome it. It's like a proof, that you actually are in the weaker category."

Changbin opens his mouth to deny that. To tell the younger that each person's mind is different and everyone can overcome it at their own pace. That he's in fact taken the hardest step of asking for help, and that is a huge improvement. But Jeongin continues and the older doesn't think it's the right time to prove him wrong.

"I know what you're gonna say. That it's not true and I'm already so strong for going to therapy. Or that you couldn't have made it this far without me. But let's be honest, we thought the same when we were nine members, too. Who knows, seven is a lucky number after all-"

"I.N-ah that's not-!"

"I know, I know... sorry I'm just rambling. But god I can't stop wondering that maybe it would be for the best?" Jeongin turns to look at the rapper on his side. His eyes are shining and his nose is red. The weather is cold enough to blame it for that. But Changbin knows better. He swallows heavily around the lump in his throat and averts his eyes to the sky. "I'm not saying I will leave forever or something like that. But it's been on my mind for a while now. To- to take a hiatus maybe? I don't know... it's just with the therapy and all... everything is so overwhelming." His voice is more unsteady and he takes more pauses between his sentences to contain himself, "I- I'm too messed up to continue the happy and merry act in front of the camera. In front of everyone. I've- I've been trying, really. But there's been a few comments here and there and I don't want the Stays to see me. The me that I am now... I- I'm ashamed-"

Changbin can't take it any longer and without a word just yanks the younger into his chest, keeping him there in a firm hug. He's on the verge of breaking down himself. But he bites on his lip and takes a deep breath, "Shh- No, none of that. None of that in front of me."

Jeongin hides his face more into the crook of his neck. And the older got a firm grip around his nape, patting on his back with the other hand. "No one's allowed to talk about my Innie like that, not even you. You-" He swallows thickly. "You are my little brother. You're our Innie. I won't let you talk like that about my dongsae. Never, not even for a second, think that my life, our lives would be better without you in it." Jeongin is shaking in his hold.

Hands clutching the other's jacket. Changbin can't hold back anymore, he allows his own tears to fall but continues, "I- I don't care how fucked up you are right now... seeing your face still lights up my day kiddo." Said boy takes an audible breath. His cries aren't so silent anymore. "You- You still make us happy and you don't need to even do anything for that to happen. God," Changbin sniffles. "you can just sit there and it'll be comforting for me."

He pulls the younger away so they are eye to eye. Jeongin is a mess. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, his eyes are red-rimmed, his lips are bitten and there's snot running from his nose but he's still so beautiful to the older. This scene reminds him of the little trainee Jeongin and how time has passed. "Aigoo my baby." The older smiles weakly.

Then with a more serious face goes on, "Innie... listen to what I'm about to tell you. You. Are. Enough. Do you hear me?"

He nods.

"No, no. Listen again. You. Are enough. You, are everything that we need in a maknae. You are the center of our puzzle. You, are the reason the Straykids and their maknae interaction is so famous! You, are so much more than you think. You are so so important to us Innie, that even Felix is willing to get into a fight for you. You- please! Please don't let anyone else tell you other than this. Innie even now, with the way you are right now, we still wouldn't want you any other way. We still love you the same."

Changbin doesn't know why the younger decided to open up to him so out of the blue that night. He's not close to him like Hyunjin or Seungmin. And lately, it's been less than before. But Changbin's glad that he was given this chance.

None of the two talk about what happened that night at the back of the company building. Nor do they explain the puffy eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. Their cries and their confession stay there for the bricks of the walls and the darkness of the night.

However, Changbin does bring the idea of giving Jeongin a hiatus when he's alone at the studio with Jisung and Chan.

At the mention of that, something drops in Jisung's stomach. An uncomfortable feeling that churns in his belly and wants to make him run to the toilet and retch.

But he decidedly stays quiet and lets the elders discuss.

***

In the following months, the youngest's situation gets worse. More fans are commenting on the lifeless eyes of the maknae in Lives and performances and more hashtags asking the company to protect their idols and give them rest.

The other members are on edge and distressed. Their maknae is continuing his therapy alongside his medication but somehow it doesn't seem to be as effective as it should.

They've never felt this helpless in their lives.

Minho is the first to bring the hiatus idea up again. After going to wake up the younger and finding him lying over his bedsheets, skin pale and cold, unresponsive, he almost collapsed on the floor from fear before the younger finally groaned and showed some signs of life and response to his calls.

Minho would never, ever, want to this s witness such a scene again. For the first time in so long, he breaks down during their lunch break. The shock from that morning slowly leaves his bones and it’s replaced by sheer fear. The picture of the unresponsive body still hunting the dancer, and he voices out what everyone's been afraid to say, that he would never forgive himself if one of these days the same thing happened and the younger doesn't wake up for real. "What if he didn't respond? The pills were there by his bedside and- and he was... oh god-" his cries and the horrible possible outcomes repeating in his mind don't let him finish his sentence.

"I don't know what is right to do anymore. But clearly, this place is no longer a safe option for Innie." He finally sniffles. Hyunjin's by his side and Felix on the other. Hugging him and rubbing his back in comfort.

Everyone's shedding their own tears in silence.

Jisung's the only one who hasn't said anything since Minho's breakdown. He's been staring off to a corner, so quiet that they almost forgot his presence and Changbin jolts a little when the younger rapper stands from his seat and announces he's going out to find Jeongin.

Jisung doesn't go after Jeongin. Neither does he even try to find the younger. He goes straight to the toilet. And empties out his stomach in the closest stall.

He doesn't know why every time there is a mention of the maknae's condition and the possibility of his hiatus he gets this sick feeling. Or maybe he does, but would rather not acknowledge it. Maybe it's because he's been there before, he knows the feeling and the darkness. He knows the guilt, the thoughts, the nothingness. And maybe that's why everytime there's a mention of the hiatus his brain sees it as a metaphor to something else.

Truth be told, he's scared. Shitless. Of the younger not being within their reach, going back to Busan or god knows somewhere else. He's afraid of the what if. What if something happens and they're not there? Jisung would never forgive himself.

Kneeling on the cold tiles of the toilet floor, Jisung wishes he could empty his brain and these thoughts into the toilet bowl instead.

As he's washing up later, he looks at the pale face staring back at him in the mirror. And for the first time he wonders, but what if he stays... and still something happens? Would that make it better... or worse? Would he be able to forgive himself then? No... never... he would forever wonder if it had been better to let the younger go and try a different way.

Whatever is bound to happen later wouldn't matter.

After all, it is whatever their maknae wants. And Jisung should stop being selfish.

***

It is two days later when their team finally arranged a proper meeting, with JY Park and everyone who should decide on such matter, to discuss the hiatus and the current situation of Yang Jeongin.

The group has already come to a conclusion and Chan, Changbin, and Seungmin volunteered to attend the meeting on everyone’s behalf.

The boy himself was absent.

The meeting was far from the long ones they used to have for the comebacks, although the suffocating atmosphere and the mentally draining matters compensated that.

They all were pretty much in the same boat. That Jeongin indeed was in need of a break. The issue lay in the announcement. How exactly were they going to release the statement to avoid creating a ruckus and worry within the fandom?

Seungmin was the one who decided to let Jeongin know of the meeting's outcome.

"Took you guys long enough," Jeongin mutters from under the sheets as Seungmin enters his bedroom.

It wasn't messy, neither was it stinky or stuffy. It... didn't look like anything remotely to what Seungmin assumed it would be like. It didn't even look like the bedroom he remembered.

He realizes, all so bitterly, that although they live together, it's been such a long time since he had stepped into Jeongin's bedroom.

He doesn't know if he can call it Jeongin's bedroom anymore.

The place lacks any traits of the younger. It is so empty.

Devoid of any characteristics it had. The plushies, the car toys, the scattered clothes, and even most of his cosmetics are gone.

They are all gone. It's as though somebody's about to move out and everything's ready, packed in boxes.

The reality hits him then, in some ways, Jeongin is about to move out.

"Nah, we had longer before." He replies while sitting on the edge of the bed.

He contemplates a lot but ends up giving in and asks, "Where... where are all your stuff?"

"Hm?"

"Your stuff. Your room is so- it's so empty... where are all your stuff?" Seungmin repeats.

"Oh, wasn't using most of them, so gave 'em away. That box is yours by the way. And those Changbin hyung's and Jisung's." He tiredly points a finger to the far corner of his bedroom where three boxes sit over one another. "Thought you might want 'em, if you don't... you can throw it away." He mumbles nonchalantly.

"I'll give it to the others too, then. Just, came in to say the meeting went well. Or I hope it is well. Basically, everyone agreed with the hiatus, and um... it's not confirmed yet, but we were mostly trying to come up with a statement. If there's anything you wanna add just let me know. You can text it to me, too. You know, if you don't feel like, um, getting out." He says a bit awkwardly.

"Thanks hyung"

***

Seungmin stares at the contents of the box with his own name for a long time. Some creams. Some serums that he himself suggested the brand to the younger. A couple of caps. A set of headphones. Some figurines and a what seems to be a plushie, squeezed at the bottom. There's an envelope on top of everything with Jeongin's handwriting. Minnie's PIC

Seungmin doesn't dare to open it. He doesn't dare to touch anything. It feels unreal. And in some parts of his brain, he is convinced that if he doesn't touch anything, they will remain unreal. Soon, he will wake up and tell Jeongin about this weird dream he had.

***

Seungmin delivers the other two boxes to their receivers after Jeongin leaves back to Busan, to spend his break with his family.

Jisung breaks down right at the sight of it and never takes it from his hands. Seungmin never brings it up and puts them in the back of his wardrobe, beside his own box.

Changbin accepts the package silently, puts it in his room, and leaves the dorm almost immediately after.

***

Two weeks have gone by since Jeongin's hiatus. The fans have expressed their concern and love in many forms.

In the end, the statement was kept simple and straightforward.

"...This decision, made in the best interest of his well-being and personal commitments, necessitates a temporary pause in his activities. While we deeply apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, we kindly request your understanding and support during this period of adjustment..."

The reactions varied a lot. From supportive to mixed to potentially critical to angry and disappointed to confused and frustrated. The diversity was to be expected. However, after the first week, what remained was mostly their support and love for the maknae.

***

At the end of the third week, Hyunjin finally expresses his frustration about the current situation and also the lack of updates from the maknae.

He kept falling behind their steps and messed up basically every choreo. Which was so unlike him. He got into an argument with Jisung and it was as if they were back to their trainee days. Except they were no longer teenagers with young minds and wild dreams. They were adults with tired minds but enough experience to know how to keep their emotions in control. It's when Hyunjin purposely ignores Minho's comments on his moves that Chan decides enough is enough.

The man himself is just as frustrated. And in the moments of anger and weakness, you lose the ability to make rational decisions.

So instead of pulling the young dancer away and having a talk with him privately like he usually would, he straight up stops the music and asks him what the fuck is his problem.

Minho tries to interfere but before he can a fuming Hyunjin is exploding in their face with full rage. Luckily he doesn't say anything regretful. He just expresses his irritation at the situation and his worries for the maknae.. in a not-so-gentle way.

No one says more after he's finished though. After all, they all agree with him. It's been a week since they last heard Jeongin's voice. The last time his family properly updated them was more than 24 hours ago. The company doesn't allow them to answer the questions about the maknae. They're bound to act as if he doesn't exist and never did. Everyone there is treating Jeongin's name as a taboo and Felix had to physically stop Hyunjin from doing anything stupid when they overheard two of the staff talking about how the youngest had finally lost it and is in the mental hospital probably and this is all just a cover-up.

In the end, to ease the young man's and his own mind, Chan decides to visit their dongsae with Hyunjin.

To their surprise, Jeongin was doing pretty alright. At least that's what it looked like. He was eating well, sleeping well, bickering with his younger brother, and even went to the game cafe with them.

On the last night of their 2-day visit, Jeongin takes his two bandmates to a bar near the beach.

They order a new combination of drinks on Jeongin's suggestion, a mixture of soju and something else with cinnamon and some fruits, which tastes decent enough for them to go for rounds two and three.

By the time the alcohol has fully kicked in, they find themselves sitting outside, on a bench by the shore, tipsy enough to not feel the coldness of the windy sea, when the maknae confesses how he's scared of happiness. How his good mood always betrays him with a new episode right after. That whenever he feels fine and everything's good, he's foolish enough to think that it's getting better, only for it to go down soon. And he's pulled back, in a spiral of nothingness.

"... but, this shall pass." Jeongin sighs as he looks up at the sky and smiles, "After all, the show must go on, you know? We'll see what's there at the end of the road later."

Hyunjin's sniffling to his left, and Chan is avoiding his gaze. "Aish, hyungs! I just got a loose lip because of the alcohol why you making a big deal out of it?!" He's back to his nagging maknae character.

Hyunjin's covering his face with the hood of his puffer jacket, but shakes his head and makes a gesture with his gloved hands as to say Don't mind me, it's nothing.

Chan clears his throat and comments something about cold weather and dry eyes to cover up his moist lashes. He then swiftly changes the subject to how much everyone misses the younger and next time he should visit them.

"Hm, I miss y'all too... a lot" It's quiet then. Hyunjin has visibly calmed down and is back from hiding under his jacket's hat.

"You guys are rocking it though." Then with his granny voice, he throws an arm around each of them and brings them closer, "I'm really proud of you, my children. Keep up the good work sons. In the future, I wanna see you shine brighter than that star."

"But grandma I see no star." Chan replies in a baby voice.

"What? Ommo is that the light at the end of the tunnel then?! My bad, my bad, that is for me."

They laugh, because that was a stupid dialog from an old comedy show Jeongin just acted out.

They hug at the train station for a long time. Till they hear the last call. Hyunjin unwillingly lets go of the younger boy. "Take care of yourself okay?"

Jeongin nods with a smile. Unshed tears blurring his vision. Just like the other two men. "I will write to you."

Chan chuckles. "Feels like we really are living in the 50s. But you do that. We'll be waiting for your mails."

And for the last time, he hugs the other tightly before retreating to their platform.

On their way back to Seoul, Hyunjin can't think back on those two days and find any happy memories. Everything was underlay with some sadness and he can't brush off the bittersweet feeling when thinking about the moments spent with their maknae. The one you get when you're spending the last days with a friend before they emigrate to the other side of the world.

Chan puts a hand on his shaking leg which can't stay still. The act isn't to calm him down, but rather to say, I know... I feel the same.

Hyunjin offers the older a weak smile and looks back out the window. He wonders for the umpteenth time, how can someone be scared of happiness. How can you be afraid to be happy...?

He thinks back to the night before on the shore. Tries remembering the younger's eyes. There was fear in his voice when he talked about the moments he realized he was being normal again. Fear of what was to come and what would be taken from him. But his eyes...

***

"There was nothing in his eyes as he talked" Hyunjin mumbles into the night. Lying down beside Felix, on the boy's bed. He decided he wouldn't want to sleep on his own tonight. Hence why he ended up in the other’s room.

"He joked, laughed, even opened up about how he felt between his.. episodes, but... his eyes were so empty that you'd think he was a doll or something. It- it was really scary Lixie... I've- I've never seen anyone this... lifeless..." and he's breaking down again. Unable to hold back anymore. Felix comforts him as much as he can. But truth be told, he's in just as much misery.

Minho looks back at Seungmin, both have stopped in front of Felix's room as they hear Hyunjin's words about the maknae. As Seungmin looks back at him, the dancer sees the same emotions swimming in the other's eyes.

***

In the following weeks, each of the members made sure to visit Jeongin during the weekends. Either be it with someone else or just one of them alone, they try to clear their schedule as much as they can to pay visits to Busan.

The abandoned bench becomes their place.

It's a shabby wooden bench with uneven stands. But as much damaged, it still does its job.

So Jeongin keeps bringing his hyungs to the same bar, they keep ordering the same drink with cinnamon, they keep drinking until they're tipsy enough to overcome the cold, they keep going to the same bench after, they keep having deep conversations there and stare at the stars. Jeongin keeps making jokes and they all pretend everything is still the same. Everything is fine.

***

 17th December marks Jeongin's three-month hiatus.

He wasn't present in the new comeback show, in any photoshoots, any programs, live shows, or interviews during this period.

JYP has been not so kind about him missing on so much content. They started pestering him to come back after the first month.

But the members could see this coming and therefore have provided a new number for the younger which only they had. Resulting in the maknae being completely at peace and away from his idol life for as long as he needed to.

***

Felix is the last member to visit Jeongin before Christmas.

They go to the same bar, order the same drink, and head to their spot.

The weather is unkindly cold that night.

But oddly enough it wasn't as windy given they were sitting by the sea.

They sit in silence on the bench and watch the waves.

It's a comfortable silence. Or maybe it's Felix's presence. The older have always brought a sense of comfort with him.

After almost twenty minutes, when the coldness starts to freeze their bones and the alcohol wears off, they decide that it's time to head back to the car. But as soon as the words leave Jeongin's mouth, his nose gets touched by the first fall of snow.

He looks up, confused, only to see it fully pouring.

The snowflakes keep falling down and with each passing second they keep increasing.

"Oh my god, it's snowing Innie!! Look!!" Felix expresses excitedly.

"Hm.. it is... I thought it'd be a snowless Christmas in Busan this year. "

"Well, good now that's not it," Felix replies, still looking up at the sky with a gleeful expression. His eyes are twinkling as he faces the young and asks, "How do you feel that you're experiencing the first snow of the year with me? Your favorite hyung!"

Jeongin laughs but doesn't reply.

Felix watches the younger watch the snow.

He chuckles at Jeongin's failed attempts of trying to catch a snowflake with his tongue.

For some reason, he gets reminded of what Hyunjin had said a few weeks ago when he first visited the maknae. his eyes were so..  empty...

"Do you wanna go back home Innie? It's getting really cold. I can't feel my nose."

Jeongin nods.

As they're walking back to the car, Jeongin whispers how he wishes they could stay there forever.

And Felix throws a hand around his shoulders and promises they'll come again after the new year.

"Will you promise that it'll be still snowing then?"

"I promise, even if it wasn't I will go and collect the snow from the mountains and then pour it on our heads." Felix teases but they both know if the younger wants that he actually would do it.

"Okay~ Close enough I guess. " Jeongin plays along.

***

January 8th is the first time Jeongin appears live after his hiatus.

He looks chubbier, like back in his trainee days.

He comments on it before anyone else and explains it is the medication's doing. But everything else is alright and under control. He feels better and ready to get back on track.

The color is back in his eyes. Anyone can tell this hiatus has helped him and his condition.

Overall, the members are over the moon that their maknae is back. So much so that after the first twenty minutes of the live they barge in the room one by one. All saying that they were watching the live and missed the younger so much that they decided to drop by.

Hyunjin clings to Jeongin's back the whole time while Minho quietly sits next to him. Felix and Seungmin start to chase each other around the room at some point for no apparent reason after annoying Jeongin a bit and getting punched in return. Chan hovers by for a few minutes but then leaves and Jisung and Changbin make so much fuss over the maknae that he eventually gets fed up and after the seventh threat actually ends the live stream.

The fans’ reactions were mostly positive. Happy to see the maknae after so long.

Of course, some insults about his appearance and how he can't do his job properly were thrown here and there. But no can do, those also come as part of the package.

***

It's almost two months after his return that Jeongin drops a single he's been working on for some time.

It's supposed to be about his feelings and the target audience is the people who are struggling like him. Lost souls.

The lyrics are raw and the emotions behind them are clear.

He didn’t have much hope it would get any recognition, just a way to let the fans know what's been going on with him, or some sort of sympathy to those who might be in the same situation as him.

It becomes his first and only hit.

A trend goes viral on this song, and it skyrockets from then on.

He gets invited to a lot of interviews to both perform the song and explain the meaning behind it.

There are so many positive comments about the message of this song.

Both in Korea and globally, as not many famous artists have had the courage to touch such sensitive topics and be so transparent about their struggles to their fans.

The song is about the struggles of young adults, how the world seems to be going too fast to catch up to, and how overwhelming everything can get.

How you feel like you're paralyzed suddenly. And before you know it, you're surrounded by darkness, in your head.

He doesn't refer to it as sadness or depression or any named disorder.

He calls it a dog.

The shadow of a big black dog that keeps on looming over your life. So loyal that won't leave your side in any circumstances.

It stays.

Just, sometimes in different lightings, the shadow's size changes.

But the dog is still there. By your side.

"..Oh, this weight upon my soul

Like a burden I can't control

Follows me wherever I go

This dog that never lets me go.."

***

Jeongin has once heard from his therapist that the hardest part of her job is when her clients have a successful suicide. She said that she doesn't know whether she should attend the funeral or not. She feels like a failure every time. And it never gets easier. She can never get used to it and no matter how much she tries to be rational, that this was out of her power, she still struggles to believe herself.

Jeongin feels sorry for her. So he decides to write and thank her for all she's done in a letter. He tells her that as someone with similar thoughts, there really was nothing more that she could do and didn't. So she should be proud of herself for what she's done so far.

He hands her the letter along with a box of present on his last session with her. And thanks her again for helping him to stand back on his feet. For being there through all his struggles and guiding him as best as she could.

Seungmin accompanies him to that session. He sits outside in the waiting area during the whole one-hour therapy.

After that Seungmin takes him to a BBQ to cheer for the younger on his good work.

Hyunjin joins them in the middle.

They spend a nice night in that restaurant, around that table. Filled with jokes and laughter.

On their way home, Jeongin thanks them and says he didn't know he needed this and that he will never forget this content feeling.

***

Everything looks normal again as if the pieces are finally falling into place.

Jeongin seems happy with his achievements on his solo and everyone is over the moon for their maknae.

But Seungmin notices the way Jisung starts to observe the younger more after a while. How his eyes linger on him when he's quiet or how he doesn't drape himself all over the boy like he always would.

Minho has always been an observant one. Although a bit weird at times, no one could read the youngers like him. He always noticed the slightest of mood changes in them.

And no one is as close to him as Jisung.

They always share. Everything.

So Seungmin puts two and two together and realizes maybe he's just been convincing himself that things are back to being fine, maybe it's never been fine.

And just like that the realization dawns on him. Every laugh and joke, all the early goodnights and the packages of takeouts, they all take a different meaning for him now.

It's just like that one light falling from the sky at the beginning of the Truman show.

He wonders for a long time after, that why is no one saying anything then? Why are none of his hyungs confronting the younger if they know?

Surely by this point, they all can see through their maknae's acts. Eyes don’t lie.

Seungmin really tries. He really does. But it gets so frustrating that one night he just can't anymore.

He's angry. At himself for having to pretend along with Jeongin. At Jeongin for not telling the truth to his hyungs. At his hyungs for keeping quiet and not asking the youngest to just go back to his therapies for fuck's sake.

And just like that, he lashes out, too.

Already on the verge of exploding, all it took was another lie from Jeongin about wanting to order takeouts later that he's full right now, for him to finally voice everything that's been bothering him.

It quickly turns into an argument. He's raising his voice and Jeongin raises his. Minho comes to separate them but instead gets dragged in. Seungmin accuses the older of staying aside and watching their maknae dissipate and Jeongin jumps in to say that's not true and this is none of their business. It all feels like Déjà vu. As if they're stuck in a loop, bound to get back to the first step.

It gets messed up so soon that no one knows who's defending who and who's accusing who anymore.

Sometimes in the middle of it all Felix must've called Chan after his own failed attempts of easing the situation. And the leader must've known the seriousness of the situation, if not from Felix's distressed voice, then definitely by the screams in the background. It's visible from the hurried way he throws their apartment door open and rushes inside. Hyunjin following in tow.

Chan tries to calm the two youngest, but his words fall on deaf ears, too.

Instead, Jeongin tells them all to fuck off, try to mind their own business, and stop butting their heads in his life before running out of the house. Hyunjin goes after him. Calling out his name and asking him to come back. He even goes as far as apologizing on behalf of the other guys, in hopes of calming the youngest a bit.

All the way down the stairs, Hyunjin can hear Seungmin's voice inside their apartment. He's even more pissed than before. Though now he's directing it at Chan who was trying to stop it all and throws some hurtful words at him that he'd surely regret later but in the heat of the moment calling Chan a bad leader cause he couldn't do shit for I.N seemed like a legit thing to throw.

By that time Hyunjin has made it back to the apartment and jumps to stop the other before he says anything worse but gets shut down by the said boy as he tells him to stop pretending and that if he really cared about Jeongin and this situation he would've done something all those months ago or at the very least stopped the youngest from escaping again and making him sit down and talk.

Deep down, Seungmin knows it's none of their faults. That Jeongin is a grown boy and is capable of making his own choices. That they all did anything that could've been done.

That night almost none of them gets a blink of sleep. Both from guilt and worry for their maknae who has rejected their calls and turned his phone off after a while.

***

The morning after, Minho is the first to approach Seungmin. He goes to his room with two mugs of hot tea. Offering an olive branch.

They talk.

About everything that's been going on in the past few months, in their lives, physically, and in their minds. They talk about everything that they kept to themselves. They talk until Felix also wakes up and joins them.

With the three of them pouring everything out, Seungmin finds out that they've all been practically going through the same struggles, knowing that, somehow, makes it more bearable.

By noon the other members trail in their apartment one by one.

Jisung and Changbin, after their gym, and Hyunjin has stayed the night in Jeongin's room and joins everyone in the living room after he wakes up at around 1 p.m.

Chan texts Felix and tells him he will get lunch for everyone on his way from the company, once he finds out they are all there.

That's how they find themselves sitting rather quietly in the living room. Either going through their phone or busing themselves with something else. Waiting for their leader and food to arrive. Or that's what they'd like to say.

It isn't until Felix is setting the table that he points out the elephant in the room. "Should I also put a plate out for Innie or...?" He trails off.

An uncomfortable silence falls. It wasn't like anyone was talking before. But this stillness is suffocating. Their eyes jump from one person's to another, trying to see if any of them have any news to answer that question.

A few seconds go by.

Felix is still standing awkwardly by the table, with the plate in hand. Waiting.

Finally, Changbin stands up to face everyone else, a deep frown on his face. "So you're telling me that none of you got any updates on I.N since last night?"

Hyunjin shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "He did text me that he'll be staying at a hotel for the night... but he didn't reply to my other texts from today... He kept rejecting my calls and switched his phone off after that text..."

Changbin runs a frustrated hand through his hair. He needs to figure it out before the oldest arrives. Or else the poor boy will lose it all.

"Did you try calling him again? Like about now?"

"Yes, it went to voice mail."

"I also texted him this morning but he didn't reply. Maybe we should give him some space?" Jisung adds unhelpfully.

Changbin's frown deepens. "Do we at least know which hotel he's staying in?"

Hyunjin nods. Then hurriedly opens his phone to find its name.

They contact the hotel only for the receptionist to say she can't give them much information due to their guests' privacy policy. However, she mentions that a Yang Jeongin has in fact checked in last night around 2 a.m. Upon further insistence, she reveals that he has yet to check out and is most probably still in his room.

Well, at least they can be sure about one thing now. Their maknae's whereabouts.

"Hey guys!"

They all jump at Chan's sudden arrival. Everyone being deep in their own thoughts, none of them heard the sounds of the keys and the door being unlocked.

"What? What's wrong?" Chan continues as he walks further into the room, noticing the heavy atmosphere and the single missing member. Placing the take-outs in the kitchen, he asks, "Where's Innie?"

"..."

"Guys..? What's wrong? What's with this tension? Where's I.N?" Not getting any answer, he turns to the other boy in the kitchen. "Felix? Care to explain?"

"Um..." the Australian helplessly looks around the room where everyone's sitting.

His eyes catch Hyunjin's. With his raised eyebrow he tries to convey the obvious question. Has no one updated him since last night?

The shrug he gets in return is disappointing. He sighs. "Innie didn't come home last night and apparently he's staying in a hotel. But he's not answering his phone.. so we're a bit worried.."

The oldest doesn't need to say a word, it is clear from his expression what he's thinking. From the color instantly draining from his face and the way the plastic bags nearly fall from his hands.

He's imagining the worst.

Changbin walks up to them and offers a comforting squeeze to the boy's shoulder and glares at Felix for the way he just dropped the news on the poor guy. "We know which hotel he's staying at and we were about to head out there right now."

"I think you all should stop freaking out for no reason and jumping into imaginary scenarios. You know how Innie's been like. I'm sure he just wants some alone time. After all, we did poke our nose into a matter he's been trying to keep us out from." Minho adds. And challenges the youngers with his parental look, as if to see if they dare to disagree.

In the end, Chan and Changbin decide to go and check the hotel out.

Universe must be feeling playful, cause the moment their car leaves the driveway, the rest of the boys hear their intercom ring back in the apartment.

Felix goes to answer it a bit skeptically. Cause usually the lobby man lets the people he knows inside. And they aren't expecting any deliveries either.

Though as soon as he peeks at the monitor, he spins around to the others and literally screams "It's Innie!!" Before rushing to open the door.

He and the others fidget by the entrance as they wait for the elevator to reach their floor.

As the elevator's door opens, they hold their breath. Finger twitching with nerves, not knowing if it would be alright to fuss over the boy like how they usually do.

But then Jeongin looks up and lets out a chuckle. "What the? Why y'all waiting outside?"

And they let loose.

"YANG JEONGIN!"

"INNIE!!"

"MY BABYY!!"

Felix, Jisung, and Hyunjin scream simultaneously while they jump on the maknae as they smother him with kisses and hugs and hair ruffles.

Seungmin and Minho stay a bit away, still unsure of their positions after the fight.

Jisung quickly calls the other duo and updates them that “Innie is back” after he squeezes Jeongin's cheeks and hugs him properly.

Hyunjin stays attached to the boy like a koala as he goes to his room to recharge his dead phone and change his outfit.

It's a bit awkward in the living room while Felix and Jisung stay in the kitchen to prepare lunch and leave Minho and Seungmin alone.

Jeongin is the first to break the silence. Still in Hyunjin's arms, he melts deeper into the older's arms out of embarrassment after apologizing for his out-of-character behavior.

Seungmin is next, he apologizes for the way he voiced his concerns and that it was purely out of his love and care for the youngest, not that he didn't trust him or wanted to meddle in his business. Minho agrees along with that too.

They join the couple on the couch and hug him to the point of choking. Minho drapes himself over everyone else and starts poking the maknae in places he knows he's most ticklish.

Chan and Changbin make an entrance minutes later in disheveled forms. Chan rushes to hug the younger tightly, still on the couch, squished between his hyungs. But it doesn't matter that there's barely any space left. I.N is here and safe.

He's alive.

***

The hyungs never voice out their fear of losing their maknae or how the struggles, even if he tries to hide them, are still visible to them. Jeongin never opens up to them about his life and what's been going on with him on deeper levels.

And as time goes on they all fall into this routine of ignoring the avoided problem.

***

Ironically it happens on a perfect day.

They just won the best artist, the best songwriter, and the best fandom in an award show.

The after-party was lit and couldn't get any better.

Everyone is pretty drunk and out of their head. Dancing and drinking and meaningless flirting.

Seungmin thinks it couldn't get better. He doesn't enjoy parties himself that much. But this one just got the vibe. Maybe because this is more on the private side, in one of the producer's villas. And he knows most of the people here.

A few hours in, Seungmin locates Jeongin and Hyunjin by the entrance. Seemingly in an intense conversation. In which Seungmin's drunk mind concludes the younger is trying to convince the other about something.

At this point, he's too drunk to care, but absentmindedly he wonders what could it be that Jeongin has to pull out his pleading puppy eyes. He could blink and Hyunjin would be at his service for even the most ridiculous things.

One thing that changed for sure, is that if they weren't already whipped enough for their maknae, they definitely are now. Given the current vulnerable situation.

It doesn't take more than a couple of minutes before Hyunjin deflates and lets the younger go.

"Where'd he go?" Seungmin stumbles beside him in his drunk state.

Hyunjin’s hold steadies him around the waist.

He rubs at his forehead before groaning back a reply. "He said he wanted to go home and he was tired. But refused to let me take him."

The younger frowns. "Okay...?"

It shouldn't come as a surprise, Jeongin's been wanting to be alone and do everything by himself for a while now. "What's this face then?"

Hyunjin sighs, looking even more tired than seconds ago. In his drunken state, Seungmin decides he'd never want to see the other like this. Exhausted. But not the kind they've all experienced due to their busy schedules and this line of work. Exhausted, in a way that he can't take it anymore. Because he can't do anything about it.

"I don't know. I just... I got this nagging feeling that I shouldn't have let him go alone."

Seungmin studies the frown that deepens on the dancer's face. "Don't say that. I'm sure nothing will happen. Who took him? Our drivers?"

Hyunjin nods.

"Then there's nothing to worry about. You're just overthinking." Seungmin pats the older's shoulder and then drags him to find some drinks for both of them.

He hopes the churning in his stomach is because of the alcohol and not Hyunjin's words.

***

The events that take place the days after happen so fast that Seungmin's hazy mind can only dissociate them into three parts.

1. Jeongin didn't go back to their dorm but he went home. His actual home. In Busan.

2. His brother found his body in his bedroom.

3. He had an unread message from Jeongin.

Everything in between is a mix of blurry mages.

Nothing was the same after that party.

***

Seungmin thinks maybe he's still trapped in that nightmare. Maybe, if he screams loud enough he'll be able to wake up from his own voice at least...

His ride to Jeongin's hometown is spent in dead silence.

Their schedules halted and the horrific news is yet to be announced by the company.

At the last minute, Chan decided to share a car with Seungmin. But he's also sitting there, motionless.

They're not crying and they're not talking. They aren't even able to get some shut eyes despite their worn-down faces.

Upon arriving they finally get hit by the reality of it all. The cries of Jeongin's family members. The screams of his mom. People rushing about to organize everything.

Surprisingly, Changbin seems to be the most collected one out of them. As he ushers them to the room where Jeongin's parents probably are.

Apparently, the whole ceremony lasted for 3 days.

But it didn't feel that way to Seungmin.

One second he's holding his breath in the car.

Then praying at the church.

Then carrying the coffin.

Then hovering over a tombstone.

Everyone's crying.

Then all the members wilting and crying in their hotel rooms.

Then more crying in the cemetery.

And even more when they're eventually back in Seoul.

Jeongin's room stays untouched. Nobody dared to enter the room since that day before they had to leave for the award show.

Back in Busan, Jeongin's older brother had handed them seven sealed letters. Said he had promised Jeongin to go and post the next day. The day after they found his body, but he was unaware. "How selfish of him to casually request such a thing the night before... when he knew he was going to ruin our lives forever."  Was what he said.

He doesn't know about the other members. Didn't dare to ask them. But Seungmin never opened that letter. It's still sealed.

Sitting heavily at the bottom of his last drawer, on his bedside table.

***

Hyunjin was never the same.

It's not right to say who was experiencing it the worst and compare it. They all had their own kind of relationship with the youngest. And they were all going through different stages of grief in various ways.

But among them all, it was clear that Hyunjin was having it the worst.

It was as though guilt was swallowing him bit by bit, like sinking mud. And he had accepted it.

Seungmin came second to him.

After all, he was the one who brushed Hyunjin's worries off. He was the one who dragged the older for more drinks. He was just as guilty as him.

***

Seungmin thinks grief is weird. He didn't allow himself to cry on the way to Busan, nor in the church, not even in the cemetery.

But he couldn't stop the sobs that ripped through his chest when he was walking down an aisle in a supermarket and saw Jeongin's favorite snack. He reached out to get it for the other. But halted right before reaching it. His brain finally catching up to this new reality. And the gravity of the situation came crashing down on him. Destroying everything he had built. That he's gone. He is really really gone.

And there's no plane to catch to get to him nor any number to call to hear his voice.

He is, really, really gone.

Seungmin cried for hours after.

He realizes later, it is in these simple moments that you truly can feel the loss of somebody in your life.

And that just makes it worse.

***

Every night, when Seungmin is alone with his thoughts, late in the dark with everything clouding his mind but sleep, he humors the idea that what if he was back in that party again, and he knew it all then, what would he do instead?

He wonders if any of his attempts would be successful in convincing the younger otherwise. Or if it was bound to happen.

He doesn't believe in destiny. He doesn't believe it when people say your fate is written beforehand and you can't do anything about it. If so, then what was the point of life anyway?

But his beliefs do falter when he thinks about the other boy. Whether his story could have ended differently?

The plot he was writing had the obvious finishing line.

Seungmin can't help but wonder, could he be the plot twist? Or would he be just postponing the inevitable?

And so this time when he opens his eyes, he finds himself in the middle of the dance floor, at a party.

They just won three awards and this day couldn't get any better. Cause even this party got just the right amount of everything. Even for someone like him who isn't a big fan.

Everyone is dancing and drinking.

He looks around the house for familiar faces. And with his blurry vision, he locates who he hopes are Jeongin and Hyunjin. Talking.

He's hit with a sudden feeling of déjà vu.

He goes closer.

For a second Seungmin's drunk mind wonders what could they be talking about that got Jeongin to pull out his pleading puppy eyes and for Hyunjin to make such a sour face. It doesn't look like the younger's getting scolded though.

At this point, he's too drunk to care about their privacy and stumbles on them in a mess of tangled limbs. Successfully cutting their conversation short.

Jeongin laughs at his state and Seungmin smiles dopily. The younger will probably tease him for this and never let it go. But all Seungmin can think of in that drunken state, as he drags the duo to the bar for even more drinks, is he'd like to hear this sound forever.