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„The cameras are here and there. We’ll monitor from the outside and you will be able to hear us over the speaker”, the director said. Hongjoong nodded, already not a fan of the metal claws trapping his hand. For the filming of their new Japanese single “Not okay” they had decided to focus their M/V on their real fears and the trauma from their lore. Why that meant Hongjoong needed to have his hand in this claw, he didn’t know.
With the ideas of lore and trauma in mind, they had decided to have Jongho trapped on a hospital bed – a reflection of his injuries which the maknae had suggested himself.
Wooyoung’s stage fright and anxiety on how he was received by society – something that had been a problem for some time.
Mingi’s anxiety and his escape through music which he had mastered very well during filming the day before.
San’s problems with stalking and his instability before he found a home with them, his anger and fear after losing his grandfather.
Yeosang not being free, being controlled by his parents – which also was a mirror of his past though their relationship was now better than ever.
Yunho had protested using any real trauma so they had focused on his lore of losing his brother, which in hindsight Hongjoong was not sure was so smart, knowing Yunho now daily talked with him over phone.
Seonghwa being stopped from doing what he wanted by his own fears and not having time for himself – for their oldest it was a very vague concept and Hongjoong assumed that Seonghwa had not felt ready to show everything to ATINY. They hadn’t spoken much about it personally.
For Hongjoong himself, in alignment with their lore he was left behind by his family, trapped and alone.
Naturally, their brilliant idea was to have Hongjoong be alone while filming, a sort of method acting if anything. The mirrors and phone screens, as well as the metal claw could easily reflect loneliness and abandonment, make him think he was actually alone. Leaving him alone without the camera crew in the room that in itself was very small alone was the most logical approach. He supposed it would make the filming much more realistic if he didn’t actually have to act - it wasn’t his strongest suit after all.
“Lie down on the floor”, the director explained over the speakers and Hongjoong complied. “Just look a mix of scared and entranced. The phone will start flashing in hana, dul, set!”
Though he had been warned, Hongjoong had not quite expected the white screen blinking wildly at him to be so bright. Instinctively he closed his eyes, in the same moment knowing he had ruined the shot. “Sorry”, he called out. Over the speakers, the director counted down again.
Hongjoong lost count of how often the words “HOME”, “ALONE”, “MISSING”, “MOTHER”, “FAMILY”, “BEHIND” and “AFRAID” flashed into his face. The director was nice, he supposed, but very perfectionistic. As he finally called a halt to filming Hongjoong’s eyes kept hurting, imaginary lights flickering in and out. Already his head started to hurt and he hoped the lights would not trigger a migraine. He didn’t have time for that.
“Hongjoong-ssi, that was very well done. We’ll take a short break and then resume with the next scene. Unless you need to use the bathroom, I’d like to ask you to stay in there to get into the feeling, okay?”
“I’m okay for now”, Hongjoong replied and sat on the floor to wait. He hated method acting, in a way. He knew he wasn’t alone, was just in a small room for the filming but everything seemed so far away. There was a deep silence in the room, the only thing Hongjoong could hear was his own breathing. It was not a nice place to be.
Also, despite Hongjoong having been on camera so often since even before debut, this felt weird, knowing that he was being watched while he couldn’t see anything outside of the room. To take his mind off the matter, he decided to look around the room. He was, after all, interested in how the M/V would turn out.
The room was built in a way that resembled an abandoned hotel room or something close to that. It was really small. Behind Hongjoong was a mirror that didn’t help make the room feel bigger, it just made everything more confusing.. Hongjoong wasn’t claustrophobic, nevertheless the little space made him uneasy.
Hongjoong sighed, uneasy with knowing the other members were somewhere else. He wished he could be able to at least see one of them to reassure himself that he wasn’t alone. It might just be a small, separate room at the filming location he was in but any other human could be kilometers away for all he could tell.
Kilometers away, just like his family.
Hongjoong swallowed. When they wrote the concepts he had never once imagined that he would feel affected by the scenes. After all they were just filming an M/V with content from their lore. Yet Hongjoong had to admit to himself that it hit a bit too close to home for comfort.
The captain hadn’t seen his parents in nearly half a year, his own schedules too much and not at all matching with his parents’ work times. His last meeting with Bumjoong had also been months ago. Sure, Hongjoong knew that other idols hadn’t seen their families in much longer (some of his members included). But still, he missed them. He always told all the members that it wasn’t a contest who saw his family the least.
It didn’t make it any easier for him but Hongjoong was happy that he was so close to his own family. His parents had always supported him with what he wanted for himself, never pressuring him to follow a career he didn’t want for himself. Hongjoong loved them with all his heart and he knew they loved him that way too.
He remembered his appa’s message from Idol Radio, which back then had nearly made him cry on camera. He had been able to push the tears back then, unlike other times in ATEEZ’s own content. Right now, he felt a sudden longing to just call his parents and beg them to come to Seoul just for a day. He wanted his eomma to hug him like she did when he was a child and have his appa speak with him in person.
Sometimes being an adult scared Hongjoong. He was painfully aware of everything that could happen while he was away, unlike a child who trusted that everything would always be okay. Back when he was younger he had never been able to imagine living one day without seeing his parents. He’d been the kid that would never stay for sleepovers and while he certainly had outgrown that, he still had had to learn that his parents were living their own lives and were not just his parents. They had their own careers, their own lives and while, if they could, they certainly would drop everything to help him that was just not a realistic expectation.
Sometimes it felt like being an idol never was enough payment for all the time he lost with his family. He had left home when he was a teenager, spent all his time in the studio with EDEN.
It had hurt to realize that when his dreams of being a musician had clashed with staying home in Anyang. Being the only trainee at KQ for six months had been lonely and he had lost count of how many nights he had cried himself to sleep during that time.
Sometimes it felt like some of the managers who had been there since the start were more of his parents than his actual parents, considering they knew much more about his life than his parents did. Sure, he had his members, his found family, but the responsibility of being a leader and a hyung was something he didn’t necessarily want all the time. But Hongjoong was a hyung, not the maknae he was at home. Quickly he had had to turn from being a comfort-seeker to being a comfort-giver. His own need for comfort had been pushed back.
Not that he blamed his dongsaengs, he could never. It was just hard seeing them get what he wanted and (most often in Jongho’s case, but Yunho and Yeosang were culprits often enough) reject it.
Hongjoong closed his eyes and shook himself, hoping to get out of his head or, even better yet, get to start filming again. But nobody came, not even a voice over the loudspeakers.
Instead, the words repeated themselves in his mind.
HOME
ALONE
MISSING
MOTHER
FAMILY
BEHIND
AFRAID
His hands started to tremble.
He was never home, neither with his parents nor his brother nor with his members.
He often was alone, at the studio or now he was alone trapped in the room.
He was missing his mother, his family, everyone he had left behind.
He was afraid.
Afraid of failure. Afraid of losing his family. Afraid of not being good enough. Afraid that one bad decision, one bad song would make them lose ATINY. Afraid that he could lose his members. Afraid of making the smallest mistake. Afraid of his members leaving for the military or for the opportunity for a single career – things that had ruined his sunbaes before.
Tears filling his eyes made him finally be able to snap out of the slump he was falling into.
No, he couldn’t think like that. Not on a film set with a renowned director. Not while - for all he knew - somebody could be watching him through the cameras. He took a deep breath and managed to calm himself down quickly enough.
But he couldn’t stop the shaking of his hands for the rest of the filming session.
⌛
Wooyoung was worried. They had just come home from filming the last bits of their M/V and Hongjoong had disappeared into his room the moment they had come home. Sure, the captain could be just tired, they had been filming for the past three days straight. Today had mostly just been their solo scenes, which for easier transport had been done in dorm arrangements. Seonghwa, San and Mingi had been allowed to go home in the afternoon, the lucky bastards. Yunho and Yeosang had left two hours later. Only Wooyoung, Jongho and Hongjoong had been required to stay back until ten in the evening. Wooyoung was a bit jealous but also very happy for the other members.
Hongjoong’s filming had taken the longest and Wooyoung had felt really bad for his hyung who had been forced to stay in the separate area for over six hours with only one bathroom break. Wooyoung was glad he himself at least had been surrounded by the dance crew, so he wasn’t so alone. Jongho’s filming had also not taken too long, the maknae a born actor.
Speaking off, Jongho walked into the kitchen just at that moment, shrugging on his jacket. “I’m going out to eat with Mingi-hyung and will probably stay the night at their dorm.”
“Alright, have fun”, Wooyoung said with a small wave. Then Jongho disappeared and he was once again alone in the kitchen. He supposed he could make dinner for himself and maybe Hongjoong. Maybe it would cheer his hyung up, he had been very quiet on the way back. His whole demeanor had basically screamed that something was wrong and he didn’t want Hongjoong to be alone when he was feeling off.
Wooyoung wasn’t quite sure what was going on with Hongjoong but he had a duty as a dongsaeng to check on his hyung. Even if said hyung was emotionally constipated and would probably act like he was fine. He could act as if he was fine while in company and with good, home-made food too.
He walked up to their bedrooms, Hongjoong’s room at the end of the hallway and separated from his and Jongho’s by the bathroom. Just as he was about to knock and ask what Hongjoong wanted to eat, he heard a quiet noise come through the closed door.
Was that? No, it couldn’t be. But it sounded suspiciously like Hongjoong was crying?
For a moment, Wooyoung faltered. He didn’t want to intrude Hongjoong’s privacy, considering how much the captain valued it. But Wooyoung could not in good conscience leave a sad member alone, when maybe all they needed was a shoulder to cry on and a hug. If Hongjoong truly wanted to be left alone, Wooyoung would leave.
Wooyoung cautiously knocked on the door, listening for any sounds from inside. Nearly immediately the sniffling stopped and was replaced by hitched breathing. Then Hongjoong’s voice came, wet and uncertain: “Don’t come in. It’s not a good time, sorry.”
Wooyoung sighed. He hadn’t really expected anything else. “Hyung”, he called, trying to keep his voice soft and warm, “it’s just me, Wooyoung-ah. Let me come in, okay? I know something is up and I don’t want you to be alone.”
There was silence for a long time and just as Wooyoung was about to enter anyway, Hongjoong said: “If you really want to, I guess you can come in.”
Wooyoung didn’t waste a second, scared that Hongjoong would revoke his agreement to come in, and opened the door. The captain’s room was nearly drenched in darkness, and Wooyoung had to blink a bit to let his eyes adjust. Only a small moon lamp, the one Hongjoong’s parents had gifted him after their successful promotions of Crazy Form, was on.
Hongjoong himself was laying under his blankets, which were pretty messy and showed that the captain was curled into himself underneath them. Only a tuft of blonde hair and tired eyes were peeking out. It hurt to see Hongjoong brought so low, normally he was such a bright and happy person. Of course Wooyoung had seen Hongjoong cry before, after their first win and then many other instances later on. But this seemed random - nothing had happened except for the filming. Or had something? Maybe it was his family?
Tentatively, Wooyoung stepped into the room, aware that Hongjoong was watching him. He crossed the small space until he could comfortably sit on the bed beside Hongjoong. Wooyoung hesitated, not knowing if Hongjoong wanted to be touched, but decided to at least place one hand onto the blanket where he supposed the captain’s shoulder was. Up close he could now see how red Hongjoong’s eyes were and the tears and, disgusting, snot on his pale face.
Hongjoong sighed at the contact, breathing out deeply and focused his gaze on Wooyoung’s hand. “I’m sorry you have to deal with … this”, he mumbled and unburied one trembling hand to vaguely gesture at himself. Now at least his whole face was uncovered and Wooyoung didn’t have to fear anymore that he was trying to suffocate himself.
“I’d rather help than let you be sad alone”, Wooyoung soothed. He still didn’t know what this was. Nothing to do but ask. “I know you probably don’t want to, hyung, but it might help talking about what made you hide in here and cry.”
“You are, for once, right”, Hongjoong said, his lips wobbling as he tried to force a smile, “I really don’t want to talk about it. It’s irrelevant, really.”
“It’s not irrelevant if it makes you unhappy, hyung”, Wooyoung protested lightly, “Jongho-yah is out with Mingi-hyung. Do you want to sit in the kitchen and eat something? You must be hungry?”
Hongjoong shook his head at that, even with the added information that they were alone and there was no need to reveal his perceived weakness to anybody but Wooyoung. “I’m not hungry at all. I don’t want to get up.”
“How about you take a hot shower to clean yourself up, hm? The hot water might make you feel better. I’ll use the time to make us some ramen and once we’ve eaten we can sit on the couch or go back here, whatever you want. Then you can tell me what’s on your mind”, Wooyoung suggested.
“When did you become so mature, baby?”, Hongjoong asked with a sad sigh, running a hand through his hair. “I’m up.” It was obvious how much strength it took from the older to sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed. His knees nearly buckled under his weight and Wooyoung had to place a steadying hand on his hip to help him stay upright. Hongjoong must be more exhausted than Wooyoung had thought.
Gently he led Hongjoong to the bathroom, never once letting go of him. “Take your time. I’ll bring you some pajamas, okay? Just don’t lock the door, you’re not as steady as I would like. Yell if you need anything.”
Tiredly, Hongjoong nodded and slowly stepped into the bathroom as if it took all his power to do so.
With worry in his chest, Wooyoung left him to it. Deciding that a whole meal could be made another day, he instead went to the kitchen and just boiled some water for instant ramen. It would have to be enough, and as he opened the fridge he was greeted with some left-over mini chocolate cakes that Jongho may or may not have begged the manager for the day before. Surely, Jongho wouldn’t mind Wooyoung using them to cheer up the captain - well, considering that Hongjoong probably would not want Jongho to know, Wooyoung could deal with Jongho being angry at him for a day or two. It was for a better cause, really.
While the water needed some time, Wooyoung decided to change Hongjoong’s bed sheets while he had the time. It was just an amazing feeling to uncurl up under fresh sheets, especially considering Hongjoong had laid down with his dirty outside clothes on before. So, on his way to grab Hongjoong some pajamas he stopped by the small alcove which held the cleaning supplies and fresh towels and sheets. Wooyoung selected one of the good, silky ones that he had … borrowed from Seonghwa before they had changed dorms. He wanted the best for his hard-working captain.
He deposited the fresh sheets on Hongjoong’s desk and returned to his own room for a moment, grabbing the pajamas he had had in mind since he suggested them. It was just an old pair of San’s sweatpants and a T-shirt which had originally belonged to Yunho but had probably been worn by all of them at some point. Both items were soft and comfy and smelled like home. They would dwarf Hongjoong a lot but Wooyoung knew the captain took comfort from that too.
Wooyoung knocked onto the bathroom door and when he received no answer, he quickly opened the door in worry. But it seemed like Hongjoong just had not heard him, still standing under the shower. The glass of the shower was milky enough that two members technically could use the bathroom at the same time without awkwardness but they preferred not to.
“I’m putting your clothes on the washing machine”, Wooyoung called and received a quiet ‘thank you’ in return. Not wanting to place them in any weird position, Wooyoung quickly left and focused on changing Hongjoong’s bed sheets before finishing up the ramen.
⌛
Wooyoung only needed to wait for a few minutes until Hongjoong joined him in the kitchen. While the clothes should have looked ridiculous on him, it just made him look cozy. Especially with his blond hair slightly dripping onto his shoulders and his bare face, Hongjoong looked very young.
“You wanna eat on the couch? Seonghwa-hyung isn’t here to yell at us”, Wooyoung asked and received a nod. Feeding his hyung took priority over talking about his feelings for the time being. “Let me.”
He didn’t want Hongjoong to help, maybe even spoil him a bit, so Wooyoung directed him to the couch and carried over the bowls, plates and two glasses of water by himself. He sat everything down on the table and fell onto the couch next to his tired hyung.
“Eat as much as you can”, Wooyoung ordered, knowing Hongjoong was one of the members best at pushing around food in a way to make it look like he had eaten. The captain threw him a wary glance but didn’t protest, instead picking up his chopsticks.
They ate in comfortable silence though it seemed Hongjoong was starting to struggle to stay awake. Once or twice Wooyoung had to save his bowl from tipping over, precariously balanced on Hongjoong’s knees. He didn’t eat close to enough but Wooyoung didn’t have the heart to make him eat more when he put the bowl onto the TV table.
“Chocolate cake?”, Wooyoung offered instead but Hongjoong shook his head.
“I’m really not hungry.”
⌛
With a sigh, Hongjoong rested his head against Wooyoung’s shoulder once both of them were done with eating. He was cold, tired and just wanted to sleep and forget about the day. Staying here, curled up with Wooyoung, sounded like heaven to his frazzled mind. But he knew he owed Wooyoung an explanation of … everything that had happened.
Wooyoung turned his head a bit to look down at Hongjoong and brushed some of the now cold, wet hair from his face. Wooyoung started to frown just then and placed the back of his cold hand against Hongjoong’s forehead.
“You’re feeling warm, hyung”, he said, voice sad, “I think you might be running a fever.”
“I took a hot shower”, Hongjoong countered half-heartedly. He knew the warmth from the shower would not last that long and, if he was honest, a fever would explain his exhausted, emotional state.
“Yeah, but your hair is cold while your forehead is burning”, Wooyoung said, “let me fetch the thermometer for my peace of mind.”
Hongjoong did not, in fact, want to lift his head to let Wooyoung leave but he did. His temples were pounding and the lull of sleep was pulling him in. He opened his eyes to a hand stroking his cheek and obediently he let Wooyoung place the metal under his tongue. Hongjoong reached out with the hand not holding the thermometer to entangle his fingers with Wooyoung’s while they waited. Then a few beeps. Great.
“38.1°C”, Wooyoung read out, “could have been much worse. I have some fever reducers here for you.”
Deciding he did not want to fight Wooyoung, and also desperate to feel better, Hongjoong just silently took the pills from Wooyoung and took a bite from the chocolate cake he had left over. Once he had downed the pills he took a few sips of water, shivering when the cold liquid went through his body.
Instantly Wooyoung reached across him and spread the fluffy, oversized blanket over both of them. Hongjoong sunk back down against his side, too comfy to even consider leaving their small nest. Wooyoung hummed and wrapped his arm around Hongjoong so that he could lean his head on Wooyoung’s chest. A hand came to play with his hair and Hongjoong sighed in content. He could probably fall asleep right where he was.
“What’s on your mind, hyung?”, Wooyoung asked gently.
At the question, unwanted tears flooded Hongjoong’s eyes again and he shrugged. What should he say? What could he say?
“I guess filming was a bit too much today”, Hongjoong settled on, reluctantly, “it wasn’t really nice to be alone for so long, especially with the concept…” He trailed off, voice going quieter the more he spoke. Wooyoung, however, didn’t seem to have an issue understanding him.
“Did you feel sick then too?”, he asked. Hongjoong shook his head. Overwhelmed and sad, yes. But not sick.
“Filming probably took a lot out of you, especially with how emotional it can be. No wonder you’re exhausted and feverish. I can’t fathom how it feels to be alone for so long”, Wooyoung said. Hongjoong was, at this very moment, very glad it had been him and not one of the other members who had had to do this.
“It wasn’t nice”, Hongjoong agreed. Then before he could lose his courage, he asked: “Do you think it’s really worth it? Being idols, I mean.”
Wooyoung inhaled sharply and pressed a kiss against Hongjoong’s temple before he maneuvered Hongjoong from his arms. For a second Hongjoong was scared that the younger would leave, would hate his captain for doubting what they had worked so hard for. Instead Wooyoung turned them both so they could look at each other. One of his hands came to rest against Hongjoong’s cheek, fingers icy-cold against his blazing hot skin.
“For me, it’s definitely worth it, hyung. I don’t want to imagine a world where I never got to meet all of you”, Wooyoung said with a tight smile. At his words Hongjoong’s tears began to fall in earnest again and suddenly he was pulled into a bone-crushing hug, sobbing against his dongsaeng’s chest. Wooyoung held on tight, running his hands up and down Hongjoong’s back and gently soothed and sobs that sounded in the otherwise silent room.
It felt good, in a way, to let go of his anxieties and emotions. To get comforted by somebody who he knew wouldn’t judge. To not have to pretend that he was okay.
⌛
Hongjoong didn’t know how long it was that he was crying for when he was finally able to calm down. Wooyoung helped Hongjoong lie down on his lap, as hesitant as Hongjoong to let go. There were tears on his face too.
“We’re a mess”, Hongjoong rasped. “Yeah, but we’re a mess together. That’s okay”, Wooyoung replied and reached over Hongjoong to grab the box of tissues that was placed on the table. He handed Hongjoong a few tissues and took some for himself. Hongjoong blew his nose, then used a new tissue to wipe his eyes. They burned and ached but he felt lighter somehow.
“We’ll clean up some other time, the floor is as good as any place”, Wooyoung said and they both dropped the crumbled balls onto the floor.
“I’m sorry”, Hongjoong mumbled, after a moment of contemplation. He didn’t want to burden the younger members with his issues, even less cry all over them. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We all had a hard day and yet I’m the only one ugly crying on the sofa.”
“Hm, none of us had to sit alone in a small room for six hours while occasionally getting flashed by our own trauma. Besides, you have spent all your nights at the studio and are exhausted. And you’re running a fever, though that might be also a reaction to the stress. Don’t feel bad about it, hyung.” Wooyoung shrugged, nonchalant.
But as Wooyoung had said, he was the hyung, the captain. He had to be strong.
Hongjoong didn’t realize he had voiced his thoughts out loud until Wooyoung said: “It’s okay to be weak from time to time. We’re a team, you know. You don’t have to carry all your burdens alone, hyung. Tell me what else has been on your mind, please.”
Wooyoung sounded so earnest, so hopeful, so worried that Hongjoong couldn’t help but talk.
“I guess … I am … I am so afraid, all the time. Sometimes I think this is all just a dream and I will wake up again in a bed alone, the lone trainee of KQ. Working hard until they decide that debuting a group is too much and that I will have to go back home in shame. I’m scared that one day people will come to realize that they don’t like us as much as they thought. That one bad song, one mistake will ruin all our careers and that it will be all my fault. I’m afraid that all that I have gone through - all that we have gone through - may have been for naught at the end of the day”, Hongjoong admitted, sniffling slightly. His nose was still blocked from crying and it was hard to breathe again.
“It’s real, hyung. It’s all real”, Wooyoung whispered, “we’re famous, we have millions of ATINYs behind our backs, ready to defend us and loving what we do. And even if some might lose interest and one day we’re not as famous anymore, we’re still eight. We’re still your friends, hyung. Isn’t that enough?”
Hongjoong looked up at his dongsaeng who was looking at him with stars in his eyes. He had never really realized how much the members adored him but he could see the love Wooyoung held for him.
“It’s enough for me. But I want you to shine on stage and be happy”, Hongjoong whispered.
“We’re happy, hyung. We’re all so happy, don’t worry. Even if we weren’t on stage, we’d be happy, I promise.”
“Okay”, Hongjoong choked out.
Wooyoung continued running his fingers through Hongjoong’s hair. He seemed to contemplate what to say next. Hongjoong held his breath.
“But that’s still not all, is it?”, Wooyoung asked.
Hongjoong was already too deep in spilling his secrets to start caring now what Wooyoung might think.
“I miss my family”, he whispered, feeling ashamed anyhow. Wooyoung didn’t see his family … no, it wasn’t a competition. They could all miss their families no matter how often - or not - they saw them.
“I just … I mean I left for Seoul when I was so young. I sometimes regret it, you know. Not spending time with them when I still have it. I know I am overthinking but … I mean, technically anybody could die tomorrow and I will forever regret not spending more time with them. I miss them so much, I miss seeing them daily. I miss my eomma’s hugs and my appa’s comforting words and I even miss Bumjoong teasing me for this or that. I guess, I just … I just want to not be ‘on’ all the time. It’s scary too, knowing that here I am the second oldest, the person responsible for all of you. Any small mistake I make could hurt you. I am so scared you will come to resent me if I wasn’t careful, decided wrong and something bad happened…”
“Hyung, Joong-ah, stop”, Woyooung interjected, gently but firmly enough that it shut Hongjoong up. “Listen to me, hyung: We will never resent you for whatever happens. We know you always do the best for us, decide what you think is best. Until now you have not led us astray and I doubt you will. You’re always there for us and we’re so thankful to you. I’m just sorry that we haven’t taken care of you as much as you deserved.”
Wooyoung tapped his finger against Hongjoong’s temple. “You are so smart, hyung, and so headstrong. I know you think you need to be the strong, reliable hyung and captain for us. But you don’t have to be all the time. You’re barely five months older than Yunho, both you and Seonghwa are not much older than we are. I know people call us ‘the kids’ but we do forget sometimes that we actually aren’t. You don’t always need to take care of us. I know you are the baby in your family and I can understand it must be hard to have suddenly been forced into an unknown role. But please, please remember: It’s eight makes one team. You can lean on us too, Hongjoong-hyung.”
Maybe it was the way Wooyoung had said it with tears already glistening in his eyes again, or it was something else but Hongjoong found himself overwhelmed with sobs again. He turned to hide his face against Wooyoung’s stomach and cried.
Cried about his fears.
Cried about the past.
Cried about the future.
Cried about the difficult day.
Cried for himself.
It was good. Cathartic.
⌛
Wooyoung’s heart ached for his captain, sobbing on his lap. None of the members, not even Seonghwa, seemed to have known just how much baggage and internal pressure Hongjoong carried with himself. How much he hid behind smiles and several ‘I’m your hyung, don’t worry about me’.
Now they paid the price: An exhausted, sick and anxious captain hurt beyond his limit for the day.
Slowly, so slowly, Hongjoong’s breathing turned even and then it became congested snores. Wooyoung just continued running his fingers through the bleached hair and pressed a kiss against Hongjoong’s barely exposed temple. Then he pulled out his phone.
Wooyoung (23:34): Hongjoong-hyung is sick and exhausted. Can you tell the manager he needs at least a few days off?
Hwa-Hyung (23:35): What’s wrong? Do you need me to come over? I’ll let the manager know…
Wooyoung (23:36): He’s running a decent fever.
Wooyoung thought for a moment if he should tell Seonghwa more or not but decided that Hongjoong would need all the help and support from the group in the future.
Hwa-Hyung (23:36): How high? What else?
Hwa-Hyung (23:37): How high?
Hwa-Hyung (23:37): Yah! Wooyoung, I can see you are reading the messages.
Hwa-Hyung (23:38): Nevermind - I’m treating this as an emergency. I’m coming over.
Wooyoung (23:38): Yeah, that might be best…
Wooyoung was left with an unopened message but less than five minutes later Seonghwa had let himself into the apartment, rushing over to the sofa the moment he spotted them. He was wearing a two-piece Star Wars pajama set which looked ridiculous and cute at the same time. Before he could say anything, Wooyoung lifted his fingers to his lips, signaling for quiet.
Seonghwa nodded and came to kneel beside the couch, hands coming up automatically to run gentle circles on Hongjoong’s back. The captain didn’t even stir, too sick to be roused by such an act. “What happened? Did the filming go badly?”, the eldest whispered.
“I found him crying in his room. I think today was just too much - it triggered all his fears and insecurities. He was left in that room for six hours on his own, anybody would have been on edge after that, especially when confronted with your own trauma. And, as I said, he’s running a fever. No wonder he is emotional. Though I suspect it may have been caused by the stress as well”, Wooyoung explained, equally quiet, “he needs us so much, hyung. He’s so scared of letting us down.”
“We’ll take care of him, Wooyoung-ah, don’t worry”, Seonghwa replied, “let’s get him to bed so he can sleep comfortably, okay?” Without further ado he lifted Hongjoong into his arms bridal style, letting Wooyoung adjust the captain against his shoulder.
Wooyoung ran ahead, opening doors and pulling the covers of the freshly-made bed back so Seonghwa could set Hongjoong down without any issues. With a smile Seonghwa beckoned Wooyoung to climb into bed with the captain and he readily complied. Gently he pulled Hongjoong close, hugging him from behind as the big spoon, while Seonghwa adjusted the blankets over them.
Throughout all the administrations Hongjoong hadn’t woken up at all, just cuddled a bit close to the warmth of Wooyoung’s body. But when Seonghwa kissed both their foreheads he sleepily opened his eyes, barely even there. Wooyoung doubted he would even remember in the morning.
“I love you”, Hongjoong whispered, earning grins and kisses from the other two.
“We all love you, hyung”, Wooyoung whispered back and squeezed Hongjoong a bit tighter.
“Sleep well, you two”, Seonghwa mumbled, “I’ll be in your room, Wooyoung-ah, if you need me. Love you too.”
Seonghwa switched off the light and the room was bathed in darkness. Wooyoung was sure his arm would fall asleep during the night and Hongjoong was uncomfortably warm against him but for now it was enough.
⌛
Hongjoong wasn’t okay.
But he would be with their help.