Chapter Text
“Hirotsu should’ve been back by now,” Gin says, glancing at the clock on the wall.
“If he’s any longer than five minutes,” Tachihara says, “I’m going to start eating without him.”
Gin slaps Tachihara’s hand away from the pot on the table. “If you even try to open that pot before Hirotsu gets here, you will be making dinner after every long day for three months.”
“Distract me, then. I’m too hungry to practice self control.”
Gin guides Tachihara away from the table and to the couches. “Why don’t you tell me about your day? I would’ve tagged along, but I was needed for an extermination project.”
“Oh, it was mostly boring. We chased some fickle bastard for three blocks and just as we were about to catch him, he stumbled into the street and got himself run over.” Tachihara sighs. “I wanted to ask him some questions.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.”
“How’d your extermination project go?”
Gin shrugs. “Easy as they come. Chop off the beast’s head and make the next one pledge loyalty. Works every time.”
Tachihara glances at the clock. “Hey . . . what are the chances this Vee kid got Higuchi and Hirotsu is late because he has to take her to the boss and discuss what to do with her?”
“Does Higuchi even know that Hirotsu is shadowing her?”
“Nope. I heard the boss telling Hirotsu that it was just because Vee seems a bit unlucky, given how many victims there are that we’re aware of.”
The doorbell rings and the two of them share a glance.
“Hirotsu has a key,” Gin says. “Anyone who would visit has a key, actually.”
They both get up and pad over to the door. Gin snatches the bread knife from the table as she passes by it, and Tachihara grabs his gun from the shelf in the genkan.
Gin opens the door and immediately lowers the knife. “Higuchi!”
“And . . . baby Hirotsu?” Tachihara adds, looking at the petulant little toddler held by his coat, arms folded quite adorably. His hair is a soft brown, which is surprising, for some reason. Gin kind of figured it was black when he was younger.
“Didn’t you get my texts?” Higuchi holds him out to Tachihara, who clicks the safety on before setting his gun down on the shelf again and taking Hirotsu. “He ended up like this an hour ago but I spoke to the boss and then I texted you two to say I was coming by to drop him off.”
“Wait, what are we supposed to do with him?” Tachihara asks when Higuchi promptly turns to leave.
“I don’t want to get baby matchmaking trapped.” Higuchi shrugs. “You two have babysitting experience and room for that damned crib. My apartment has no space to house a toddler. I’m totally open to babysitting, though. But he is sleeping here.”
Gin closes the door when Higuchi walks away even faster, as if Gin and Tachihara are going to chase her down — though the thought does cross both their minds. She tosses the bread knife on the table and turns to face Tachihara.
“I suppose first thing would be getting the clothes and the diapers,” Gin says. “Though, we may need to buy new clothes for him. After that, we can see about the crib and toys.”
“Where are you going to put the crib?”
“It’ll have to go into the spare room. You don’t even sleep there anymore and Ryuu moved out ages ago, so no one will miss the bed if I get rid of it.”
“Hungry,” Hirotsu says suddenly, pulling on Tachihara’s hair.
“Hey, you don’t think the baby matchmaking trap is real, do you?”
“This is going to be a long three weeks,” Gin says.
“What I don’t get,” Dazai says, “is why Hirotsu is old enough to walk and talk.”
“Maybe it’s because he’s an old man,” Tachihara grumbles, holding an ice pack to his cheek.
The two of them glance over at Hirotsu, who’s being entertained by Atsushi. He keeps trying to grab Atsushi’s tail, only for Atsushi to flick it out of reach when he gets close. He giggles when Atsushi tickles his face with his tail.
“He’s kind of cute, though,” Dazai says.
“He threw an apple at my face because I tried to feed it to him,” Tachihara says, glaring at Dazai. “Really hard.”
Dazai shrugs. “Maybe he’s just two. I heard somewhere that two-year-olds are utter menaces.”
“Why don’t you take him up to your apartment? If you guys can handle two babies at once, I’m sure you can handle one toddler.”
Dazai laughs. “No.”
“Rude.”
Gin and Akutagawa join the pair of them, though Akutagawa walks on ahead and shoves Atsushi aside while trying to distract Hirotsu with Rashomon, like he’s competing with Atsushi for Hirotsu’s attention.
“Okay, the crib’s all set up,” Gin says. “Ryuu said he’ll fetch the playpen and bring it over tomorrow.”
“I want to go home,” Tachihara complains.
“Absolutely not,” Gin says. “If I have to babysit a two-year-old, I am not doing it alone.”
“Get Higuchi to stay over, then.”
“That’s worse. She’ll shave my eyebrows in the middle of the night for forcing her to help.”
“And you think I won’t?”
“You value your own eyebrows too much to risk harming mine. Higuchi would just drop her bangs lower.”
“Fair.”
“Well,” Dazai says, “I’ll leave you two to it. Boys, let’s go!”
“Coming,” Atsushi and Akutagawa call immediately.
“I’ll walk you out,” Gin says. She ushers the three of them to the door, pausing and giving Tachihara a look. “Make him sleep.”
“Wh- am I supposed to club him over the head?”
“I’ll kill you if you hurt him.”
“I was being sarcastic,” Tachihara grumbles under his breath, dropping the ice back on the table and walking towards Hirotsu, who is shaking the stuffed bear Atsushi brought with the diapers. “Hey, kid.”
Hirotsu looks up at him and stares for a moment. He raises one arm, so Tachihara sits on the ground. It takes a moment for Hirotsu to pick himself up, but once he’s on his feet, he walks towards Tachihara and reaches up. Tachihara leans towards him.
“Sorry,” Hirotsu mumbles, placing his hand on the red spot the apple had left on Tachihara’s cheek.
“I forgive you,” Tachihara says, because he’s afraid Hirotsu will do it again if he says it’s okay. “Why don’t we put you to bed, hm? Are you tired, Hirotsu?”
Hirotsu snatches his hand back and glares.
“What now?”
“Ryuurou.” Hirotsu folds his arms and glares at Tachihara. “I’m Ryuurou.”
“Oh. Okay. Yeah, I knew that. Sure. I’ll call you by your name from now on, okay?”
Hirotsu eyes him for a moment before nodding. “Okay.”
“Let’s try again. Are you tired, Ryuurou?”
Hirotsu shakes his head.
“Are you lying to me, Ryuurou?”
Hirotsu shakes his head again, though this time he pauses first.
“Well, it’s bedtime anyway, so let’s get you all changed and tucked in.”
“Don’t wanna.”
“Okay, but Gin told me to make you sleep and Gin scares the shit out of me, so unfortunately for you, little guy, whatever she says goes.”
“Wuss.”
Tachihara cannot believe that he’s losing an argument to a toddler with limited speech. It’s incredibly embarrassing. He stands up before picking Hirotsu up.
“Come on.”
With the effort it takes to change Hirotsu — Tachihara found something that Atsushi and Akutagawa had bought for Dazai but turned out to be too big — and put him to bed, Tachihara feels like he’s been fighting for his life for over an hour.
Gin finds him on the floor of her bedroom. She nudges his arm with her foot. “Plan on sleeping down here?”
“Carry me,” Tachihara whines, raising his arms.
“No.”
“You’re so mean.”
“If you want to sleep on the bed, get on there yourself. I’m going to shower.”
Tachihara grumbles about how rude Gin is while she grabs her clothes and leaves the room. The floor does get a bit too hard after a while, so he gets up and flops over on the bed.
The only reason he makes the effort to get under the covers is because Gin can and will push him off the bed to get under the covers herself. She’s done it before to both him and Hirotsu.
Suddenly, Tachihara wonders if this is their karma for making Hirotsu’s life difficult back when he and Gin were younger and baby Black Lizard members just part of the troops.
“I’m gonna fucking kill Higuchi,” Gin says when she wakes up to the sound of a crash, followed by Hirotsu’s little voice. “Uh, help!”
Tachihara groans and buries his head under his pillow.
Gin slides off the bed and makes sure to put her shoes on before leaving her room. She finds Hirotsu sitting on the dining table. One of the chairs is pulled out, which explains how he got up there. A forgotten plate from last night is on the floor in pieces.
“Help,” Hirotsu says again, looking at Gin with wide and mildly terrified eyes.
Gin sighs. “Come here, Ryuurou.”
He crawls across the table and nearly launches himself at Gin. “Sorry.”
“Are you hurt?”
He shakes his head.
“Okay. You stay with Tachihara and I’ll clean this up. Do not come back out here until I say all the glass is cleaned up, understand?”
He nods.
Gin takes him back to her room and sets him down on her side of the bed before pulling the pillow off Tachihara’s head. “Watch him.”
Trusting Tachihara to keep an eye on Hirotsu, Gin heads back out to clean up the mess. It doesn’t take long to sweep up and throw out the glass, but she sweeps twice just to make sure there’s nothing laying around that would hurt Hirotsu, who seems to enjoy wandering around the apartment before she can put a pair of shoes on him.
Speaking of, Gin makes a mental note to go shopping for clothes in Hirotsu’s size. He definitely won’t fit into all the growers and onesies that everyone had been dressing the babies in thus far.
When she gets back to her room, she finds Tachihara trying very hard to teach Hirotsu his name.
“Ta-chi-ha-ra. Come on, you can do it.”
Hirotsu gets out “Tachi” before jumbling a bunch of sounds together.
“Help,” Tachihara says when he notices Gin.
Gin smiles and sits on the other side of the bed. “Ryuurou, can you say Michizou?”
Hirotsu furrows his eyebrows. “Michimoo!”
“Michizou,” Gin says slowly.
“Mochi!”
Tachihara sighs. “You know what, I’ll take it. Better that than wuss.”
“Mochi.” Hirotsu looks at Gin and stares at her for a moment. Then he points at her. “Gin!”
“Good job, Ryuurou!”
He grins, delighted by the praise.
Tachihara rolls his eyes. “Why are you always their favourite? I have a nice smile and soft cheeks. I should be their favourite.”
Gin scoffs as she lets Hirotsu play with her hand. “They can sense your desperation.”
“You are so mean. I’m going to shower.”
“Oh! Can you bathe him? Ryuu’s bringing the playpen today and I need to help him set it up.”
Tachihara glares at Gin. “And if he kicks me in the face?”
“You’ve been shot. You’ll live. I’m going to start on breakfast, okay?”
“Ugh, fine. Come on, you little menace.”
“Gin?” Ryuurou says when Tachihara sweeps him up.
“I’ll see you in a minute, kiddo.”
Hirotsu pulls back to look at Tachihara, smiling when he recognises him. “Mochi!”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s me. Now, do you wanna smell like citrus or lavender? Those are the only two soaps I have in this bathroom.”
Hirotsu blinks at him. “Soap!”
Tachihara looks at Gin and sighs. “This is worse than babysitting Dazai.”
Gin watches them leave with a smile on her face. Tachihara is cute with a baby — a fact she knows thanks to Vee’s previous encounters with people — but Tachihara with a toddler trumps that. By far.
“Okay,” Gin says, “we have a car seat, a stroller, a playpen, a large enough crib for him and we just bought a bunch of clothes he liked . . . what else do we need?”
“Fucking restraints,” Tachihara snaps, having just fetched Hirotsu from around the corner. It’s the third time already that Hirotsu has wandered off and Tachihara is a hair’s breadth away from handcuffing the kid to himself.
“Oh, honey,” a stranger says as she walks by, “that little guy is minutes away from a meltdown.”
Tachihara is about to tell the woman to mind her own business, then he recalls Dazai mentioning that two-year-olds are menaces.
Gin is halfway through her “We got it, thanks,” when Hirotsu pulls on Tachihara’s collar.
“Want candy!” He points to the store across the one they’re in — a toy store with painted candy on the windows. “Candy! Candy! Candy!”
“I said later, didn’t I?” Tachihara snaps.
“Do you mind if I. . .?” the woman trails off, looking at Gin and gesturing to Hirotsu. When Gin nods, she taps Hirotsu’s arm. “Hey there, little guy. You were doing such a good job waiting, weren’t you?”
Hirotsu stares at her, suddenly silent.
“You want the candy?”
Hirotsu nods.
“Well, only well behaved little sweethearts get what they want. If you be a good little boy and wait a little longer, you’ll get your candy.”
Hirotsu pouts. “Want it now.”
“I know, sweetie, but you’re busy getting important things now, aren’t you? After you get your important things, then you can get sweets and toys.”
Hirotsu huffs.
“Come now, say sorry to your papa for pulling on his clothes. That’s not nice.”
Hirotsu looks at Tachihara and after a moment, he mumbles, “Sorry.”
“There’s a good boy! Here, why don’t I give you a small chocolate for now, hm?” The woman looks at Gin for permission first before offering Hirotsu a chocolate piece.
“Say thank you,” Tachihara says when Hirotsu takes it.
“Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome, sweetheart.” The woman pats Hirotsu’s head before turning to Gin. “The first one is always difficult. You’ll get the hang of it in no time. I find that distractions and praise do wonders for their moods. I’m leaving now, little guy. Be good for your papa and mama, okay?”
“Bye bye,” Hirotsu calls, waving with both hands.
Before Gin and Tachihara can say anything, Hirotsu looks at Tachihara. “Candy later?”
“Yeah,” Tachihara says. “Later.”
“Okay.”
Hirotsu tucks his head under Tachihara’s chin. “Tired,” he mumbles.
Gin tucks his hair behind his ears and gives him a smile. “Why don’t you take a nap, baby? We’ll wake you when it’s time to get the candy, okay?”
“Okay.”
Gin steps away and opens her little shopping list and it takes a full ten seconds of her speaking for Tachihara to focus again.
Oh, the baby matchmaking trap is so real.