Chapter Text
It wasn’t hard to determine who would be taking care of little Fukuzawa. The moment he woke up, he looked around before his gaze zeroed in on Ranpo and he sat down on the floor beside Ranpo’s desk, content to stay there and fiddle with Ranpo’s desk drawers.
Ranpo’s first instinct was to argue that he couldn’t take care of Fukuzawa. He was adamant that he did not have the ability to keep another human alive. But when closing time came and he tried to ask Kunikida to take Fukuzawa, the kid in question threatened to run away.
So, there Ranpo sits in his living room, Fukuzawa on the couch opposite him.
“This is not ideal,” Ranpo tells him. “I’m going to have to get into a proper sleep schedule because of you. And I’ll have to make proper food.”
Fukuzawa rolls his eyes. “I can cook.”
“I’m sure you can. Still, you’re twelve. I’m the adult here.”
“You don’t act like much of an adult.”
“Then why’d you want to come with me?”
Fukuzawa shrugs. “You make me feel safe.”
“Oh.”
The sound of someone tripping over a box and slapping down on the laminate flooring tears Ranpo’s gaze away from Fukuzawa.
“What is all this?!”
Ah. In the face of recent events, Ranpo forgot he’d made plans to look at Poe’s new book today.
“Baby clothes,” Ranpo says, watching Poe pick himself up and scowl at the box he’d tripped over.
“Baby clothes,” Poe says flatly, barely even noticing the way Karl scampers away from him to climb up Ranpo and settle in his lap.
Ranpo gestures at Fukuzawa. “They sent the baby clothes despite us having no use for it.”
“Is that. . .?”
“Mhm.”
“Wow. I guess we won’t be testing my book today, then?”
Ranpo shrugs. “Maybe in a few days.”
“Who’s this?” Fukuzawa asks Ranpo.
“Ah, this is Poe. He’s my . . . friend.”
“Friend,” Fukuzawa repeats slowly, nodding like he doesn’t believe Ranpo.
“Do you. . .” Poe clears his throat before continuing, “do you need any help?”
Ranpo gives Poe a cheeky grin. “Is this your way of flirting, Ed? Surely you know what generally happens when people are affected by Vee’s ability.”
“What happens when people are affected by Vee’s ability?” Fukuzawa asks. “Who’s Vee?”
Poe slowly begins to turn red. “That’s not — well — no, it’s — I was just offering assistance! Childcare is hardly a walk in the park.”
“I’m teasing, Ed. I would appreciate some help.”
Poe nods after a moment. “I will order food for you today. Tomorrow, we will purchase food to be cooked.”
“Thanks.” Ranpo is quiet for a second. “I really do appreciate you offering, you know. Not many people would want to help babysit.”
Poe shrugs. “Karl gets antsy if he doesn’t see you often enough. I might as well let him have a couple weeks of your constant company.”
“Right,” Ranpo says disbelievingly. It’s not that he doesn’t think Karl misses him. It’s just that he knows Karl isn’t Poe’s only reasoning.
“What do you want to eat?” Poe asks.
Ranpo shrugs. “I’ll let you choose.”
Poe nods and pulls out his phone as he walks into the kitchen.
“You can’t just talk over my head like I’m not here,” Fukuzawa says with a little pout. “That’s rude.”
“My apologies,” Ranpo says, genuinely meaning it.
“Well, I guess it’s all right,” Fukuzawa says dismissively. “Must be hard to pine away after that friend of yours.”
Ranpo stares at Fukuzawa for a moment before he grins. “I always knew you were a cheeky bastard as a kid.”
“Can you just quit the sarcastic bullshit and put Kou on the phone instead?” Ranpo snaps viciously, glaring at the bored child in the living room through the glass sliding door.
Yosano continues to cackle as she passes the phone to Kouyou.
“Hello?” Kouyou says. “What did you say to Akiko?”
“What are you supposed to even do with a twelve year old?!”
Kouyou is silent on the other end for a moment before she snorts.
“Kou!”
“Sorry! Have you tried talking to him?”
“Obviously,” Ranpo says. “I have tried everything I could possibly think of. We gave him books, movies, games. We played board games with him. We let him have the room to himself for TV time. We even offered to take him out. He’s so bored, Kou.”
“We?” Kouyou asks delightedly.
“Don’t start.”
“Sorry. Look, kids are strange, okay? I’m honestly not even sure I’m the right person to be asking. Kyoka was hardly a normal twelve year old kid.”
“You’re the best option. I am not going to ask Dazai or Akutagawa about their experiences nor am I going to ask Gin what they liked at that age. It was probably throwing knives with that French clown in your basement. God, what am I supposed to do with this kid? He keeps staring at the ceiling like it’ll cave in and end his misery”
“Well, Ranpo, sometimes kids are just like that.”
Ranpo scowls at his garden. “You’re an asshole.”
“Consequences of my occupation. Anything else I can help with?”
“What, eager to hang up on me and make out with your girlfriend?”
“No. Eager to hang up on you and stop Akiko from stealing my wines to display in her cabinet so she can take a picture to impress Chuuya.”
“Ah.”
Ranpo, though he expected it, is still surprised at how comfortable Yosano and Kouyou are around each other. He thinks it’s good. It’s nice that Yosano has a place where she can feel at ease not being in control of everything.
“Okay,” Ranpo says, “thanks for the advice.”
“You’re welcome. Feel free to call again if you need anything!”
Kouyou hangs up after that, leaving Ranpo to deal with his very bored charge.
Ranpo steps back into the living room to find Poe seated on the couch with Fukuzawa’s head in his lap. He plays gently with Fukuzawa’s hair while the kid sleeps away with a gentle snore. Poe gestures for Ranpo to be quiet when he notices him. Normally, that would offend Ranpo, but for the first time in the last twenty-four hours, Fukuzawa looks like he’s resting.
Besides, Ranpo gets the need for nap time. He wonders if he can have a nap too.
When morning rolls around, Ranpo waits until both Poe and Fukuzawa are having breakfast before he marches up to the table and slams his hands down on it. “We’re going out today!”
“We are?” Poe asks, still startled.
“Where?” Fukuzawa asks.
“Don’t know!” Ranpo tosses a set of keys on the table in front of Poe. “You’re driving!”
“B-but why? I like staying in.”
“That is a lie and I know you know it. You like going out only if it’s with the right company. Yukichi and I are perfect company.”
Fukuzawa shrugs dismissively. “I’m fine either way.”
Ranpo looks at him, drowning in a set of Ranpo’s pajamas. He snaps his fingers. “Shopping!”
“Shopping?” Poe and Fukuzawa ask.
“Yup! You need some clothes. We can get you whatever you like. Pants, jeans, kimono, keikogi, whatever you want. Hell, we can even get you a skirt! I just need to get out of the house and shopping is a good enough excuse.”
Poe picks up the keys. “Very well. If Yukichi here would like to purchase some clothes, how could I say no?”
Fukuzawa shrugs again. “Sure.”
“Great! Let’s go!”
Ranpo knows he’s being a little pushy with the two of them, but he also knows that Poe will put his foot down if he really wants to. He herds them out of the house and into the car and lets Karl sit in his lap.
The mall they go to is one Poe is familiar with. Ranpo knows that Poe likes familiar spaces. He likes knowing where things are. It makes shopping a nicer experience than it usually is for him.
“What would you like to get?” Poe asks Fukuzawa.
Fukuzawa peers at the stores as they pass by them, looking inside at what they have. “Dunno.”
“Well, why don’t we just try some things on, then? You’re not required to buy anything, you know. Some people enjoy just . . . looking.”
Fukuzawa glances at Poe for a moment before he nods. “Okay.”
“And if you can’t choose clothes, we can always just get you something comfortable to sleep in.”
“I’d like that,” Fukuzawa says after a moment.
Poe picks a store he knows well for how often he frequents it to get clothes that don’t make his skin itch just by existing. He even greets one of the cashiers by name, a young woman who gives him the brightest smile and tells him about how she thinks her boyfriend might propose soon.
Ranpo thinks it’s a little cute how Poe has no idea how to react other than a hesitant little “Congratulations.”
He watches Fukuzawa poke around the shelves and racks for a bit before disappearing into the fitting rooms. He finds Poe seated by the shoes.
“You’re really good with him.”
Poe shrugs. “He’s awkward. I feel as though he just needs some time before he gets comfortable.”
Ranpo sighs and sits down beside Poe. “Would be nice if I knew how to behave like you.”
“I don’t think so,” Poe says after a short moment. “I don’t think it would do anyone any good for there to be two of me. You should just be you. He chose you. Give him time.”
Ranpo, in a very rare moment, has no idea what to say, so he’s still silent when Fukuzawa approaches with half the items he’d gone into the fitting rooms with.
“These are nice. Can you choose between these for me?”
Ranpo looks over the selection, humming as he does. He thinks maybe the pants would be best. Fukuzawa can always borrow Ranpo’s shirts to sleep in, but it would probably be nice to have pants that fit properly.
“Here,” Poe says, holding out his arm. “You can leave them with me and continue looking around if you like. I prefer to sit and wait, anyway.”
“But. . .” Fukuzawa looks down at the bundle he’s carrying. “But it’s a lot.”
Poe offers Fukuzawa a rare smile that Ranpo sees maybe once in a month. “I can afford it, don’t you worry.”
Poe smiled at Fukuzawa. Poe likes Fukuzawa. Poe trusts Fukuzawa.
Ranpo smiles. He doesn’t really believe in the baby matchmaking trap, if he’s honest. He just enjoys perpetuating the idea because it’s entertaining. Any one of the recent relationship developments were bound to occur at some point. It wasn’t hard for Ranpo to figure out. Yosano and Kouyou were a pair he wasn’t aware of beforehand, but any other sort of forced proximity would’ve led to the same result. It’s not Vee’s ability doing any of this. Ranpo just happens to be surrounded by emotionally constipated people.
(He is one of those emotionally constipated people. He is ignorant of this fact.)
So, he doesn’t really believe that anything is going to happen. However, it is nice to see Poe taking an interest in another person. He wonders if this could lead to Poe actually having a conversation with the normal Fukuzawa, and maybe Yosano after that. It would be nice to have his three favourite people on speaking terms with each other.
The baby album
Atsushi: @Ranpo
Atsushi: where are the photos
Atsushi: why are there no photos
Atsushi: give us the photos
Gin: I am going to mute you
Atsushi: PICTURES
Ranpo: he’s 12, Atsushi. not a baby.
Ranpo: or a toddler.
Atsushi: fine
Atsushi: Ane-san give us pictures of ur boss
Atsushi: @Kouyou
Kouyou: no
Atsushi: @Yosano hey don’t u wanna visit ur gf and take pictures of her boss for us
Yosano: ew no
Atsushi: you all suck
“What are you looking at?” Fukuzawa asks, keeping his gaze down on the food Poe bought for the three of them.
Ranpo waves his phone in the air. “My friends want a picture of you.”
“Why?”
“Well, you’re not the first to be affected by this ability. We’ve had people turn into babies a little too often. So now, we have a group chat where we can share all the cute things babies do!”
“But I’m not a baby.”
Ranpo sighs. “That’s what I told them, but they’re insistent.”
“How about if I just pose for a picture, then? I want Karl to be in it.”
As if sensing Fukuzawa’s request, Karl looks at Poe for a long moment before he scurries up to Fukuzawa and climbs up to perch atop his head. Amused, Fukuzawa laughs softly.
On autopilot, Ranpo takes a picture.
He can’t believe he almost lived his entire life never knowing what it looked like when Fukuzawa laughed like that. It’s so . . . cute. Cuter than all the other babies, if Ranpo can say so.
He is never going to be able to be intimidated by Fukuzawa ever again.
“It’s blurry,” Ranpo lies. “Smile.”
Fukuzawa smiles, but it doesn’t look half as nice as the candid photo Ranpo took. But that’s a personal memory for Ranpo. He’ll show it to Fukuzawa, but the entire Baby Album Committee doesn’t need to know anything. There are dangerous people on that group. They can have the posed photo.
He leaves them to aww over the photo and turns to Poe. “Was there anything you wanted to get for yourself?”
Poe shakes his head. “I’m all right.”
Ranpo nods. “Then, are we ready to head home?”
Fukuzawa glances at Poe before he nods at Ranpo.
On the way back, Ranpo checks his phone again to see a new message on the baby album. He snickers and shows it to Poe.
The message features a short clip of Baby Mori trying to eat Elise’s dress ribbons while Elise sits there as though she’s given up on life entirely. The caption reads, His babysitter is tired of him.
Ha, Ranpo thinks. Serves the Port Mafia right. He hopes Mori throws up on them all.