Work Text:
Rui hated how silent it was. His parents were out shopping for groceries, and he had asked to stay home. He didn't want to interact with people, and he didn't want his parents asking him what the behind the scenes of the show with ArcLand was like, specifically the part where he had to lie and say it was fine.
Well, he didn't have to lie, but he didn't want to make his parents worry about him more. He'd been clean for a week, finally not feeling like he had a reason to hurt himself. But now he was on the verge of relapsing over a simple question.
"Would you like to join me in ArcLand as a director?"
He couldn't help but abandon his dream. He needed Wonderlands x Showtime. He needed Tsukasa. If he didn't have his people he was his middle school self again. He made the right decision, he knew he did.
The craft knife on his desk was staring at him.
Maybe working on smoothing out the harsh edges of his newest drone was a bad idea, considering how every thought he had was no longer about what he was crafting, and instead about how much it would hurt.
He knew damn well being alone in this state was dangerous to himself. That's another reason why he stayed home.
~
Tsukasa was, in short, quite concerned about his boyfriend. Their show was a success, but Rui seemed off. It had been two days, and that afternoon they had celebrated their show with ArcLand being such a success. Even then, Rui still seemed off, like he was a bit distanced from everyone. It was concerning, to say the least.
He had texted the director, but got no response. He hadn't even seen it. By an hour, he knew something was wrong. Rui only missed his texts when he was knee deep in his work, trying to get himself to stop thinking. –it had taken the taller quite a bit to finally open up about that part.–
The troupe leader finally decided he'd go to his boyfriend’s house, and see how he was up to. He told Saki where he was going, put on his shoes at the door, and set off to check on his lover.
~
Rui hadn't been able to resist his blade. In his defense it was practically calling him. It took all of his willpower to spend the time going to the bathroom and locking the door.
Why would you even debate the other option? Are you really that heartless towards the people who dealt with you?
His mind hurt, in ways a blade never could, at least one option helped in a situation like this.
Rui could feel a bit of panic setting in his bones when the thoughts didn't stop after the sting.
You should've taken the option, lightened their load a bit, but you were too selfish. You could still do that, there's still a wa-
Finally.
He didn't realize how deep he'd gone until he was finally brought into a clear state again. It would probably leave a bit of a scar.
It helped keep the thoughts away longer, so he wasn't too upset, the care was just a little more complex and a bit longer. After that process, Rui bandaged his arms, which easily stopped most of the bleeding, and then placed his cardigan back over his shoulders. God, did he feel so much better already.
As he stepped out of the door there was a knock at his door. He froze, panic back and welling up inside of him again. He ran back to his bathroom and wrapped a few more layers of bandages over the ones already on his shoulders, before pulling his cardigan back on. He walked to the door, and opened it, peeking his head out.
It was Tsukasa.
He opened the door wider, giving the star a warm smile. "Is there anything you need?" He asked, as Tsukasa walked inside, taking off his shoes and pulling Rui into a hug. "I wanted to come check on you, you weren't responding to my texts, and I know you do that when you're overloading yourself with things to do," his boyfriend explained, placing a kiss on Rui's forehead. Rui paused, before pulling away slightly to check his phone. Sure enough, Tsukasa was right. He looked away. "It's nothing, Tsukasa, I just got distracted.." he admitted. The star frowned, knowing that wasn't the case. –admittedly, Rui knew it wasn’t as well, but he tried to make the lie anyways.–
Tsukasa cupped Rui's cheek. "We both know that's not true, Rui, you've been acting off for a bit now. Just tell me what's wrong, okay..?" he pressed, taking the director’s hand with his free one. "I.. just overthought an idea, it’s really nothing to worry about.." the taller tried again to dismiss. The troupe leader shook his head. "Stop trying to dodge the truth, love. I know you're just trying to not worry me, but you deny your own health because of that. Let's just sit down and then you tell me what's going on," Tsukasa offered, though it wasn't much of a request. He took Rui's hand, and walked to the garage couch, sitting down, and pulling Rui down next to him.
"I.."
His mind begged for him to lie, his entire body was telling him to just say the words “I’m fine” one last time. The director simply couldn’t form the strength to convey it.
"Asahi asked me a question a few days ago," Rui began, curling into his lover's arms. "He asked me to join ArcLand as a director."
He could feel Tsukasa tense, and the director kept his eyes shut. "I declined. I couldn't bring myself to leave you. Even though I know you'd support me if I did, but I just.." Tsukasa had relaxed a bit, even though the taller knew what came after wouldn’t leave the star relaxed for long. Rui didn't want to say it out loud, and concern his lover, but he swallowed his fears, and began anyway. He knew he needed to get it out. "I couldn't let go of my lifeline like that.." He stated, regret washing over him. He knew damn well how it sounded. He meant it in that exact way too. The director felt his star tense again, holding him tighter than before. "Rui.. what are you..?" Tsukasa knew, but he wasn't comprehending. "You, and the rest of Wonderlands x Showtime, you're my reason to keep going, y'know..?" the director admitted. He could feel his chest tighten, tears threatening to spill. "As much as I'm thankful that you're still here, that would've been a good opportunity, everyone loved your ideas," Tsukasa replied, combing through his lover's hair.
"I.. couldn't risk it.. one, I don't think I can handle losing you, but also what if something went wrong..?" Rui couldn't fight back cries any longer, holding onto Tsukasa, as he tried to stabilize himself, he had ended up putting a little too much pressure on his arms, the pain snapping him a little out of his thoughts after he barely bit back a sharp intake of breath. "Shh, it's okay," his star muttered, pressing kisses against Rui's head, combing his hands through it. "I know, that's the thing, it is okay, I made the right decision, even in the now thankfully hypothetical situation I didn't, what's done is done, I can't change it, and I don't want to.." the director began rambling, his sense of filtering his emotions was gone now. "So why does it even affect me this much-? It's so- It's so stupid, I hate this feeling, I hate-"
Rui froze. He didn't mean to say that, he had barely stopped himself before words he knew he believed quite a bit more than he would want to admit to his lover slipped. The taller had tensed, hoping to God that Tsukasa didn’t catch what he’d said.
~
Tsukasa tensed, realizing it was a moment where he couldn't figure out if he hated having the ability to tell what his alchemist would say next, most of the time, or treasured it. He could know and try to help, even if the taller fought to keep it under the rug, but it hurt to know that Rui would try so hard to keep something clearly hurting him away.
"I.. was about to say the same thing again, I guess I got ahead of myself.. apologies,"
Tsukasa let out a sigh, motioning for Rui to sit up. When the director did, the troupe leader cupped his cheeks, carefully moving his thumbs to wipe a few tears. "..I think we both know what you were going to say," he stated. He tried to stay a little stern, hoping to point out the fact he wasn't going to just push it down. He knew more concern washed over him than anything, though, so it probably didn't come off as well as he intended.
Tsukasa pulled him close, showering his dear director with kisses, holding him tight. If Rui couldn't love himself, he'd show him more of his own to compensate, at the very least until his boyfriend could say the things the troupe leader said about him to himself and believe it.
"Even if you chose the other option, I'd still support you, I'll always be by your side, as much as I'm physically capable of."
Kisses on his cheeks, for just this moment, everything felt gentle, and steadying.
"You're perfect, okay? Your hair, your eyes, the way you talk about what you enjoy.. It's beautiful. You’re beautiful, Rui."
Kisses on his forehead, he felt soft, like the perfect safety mat he could rely on.
He hadn't realized something other than a blade could steady him like this. All the coping mechanisms he tried never really worked like this, how was Tsukasa different..?
his realization showed.
"What is it, love?" Tsukasa asked, cupping his cheek and helping the taller sit up. He looked away, thinking of an excuse. "Just had a show idea, though the more that I think about it, I notice flaws and stuff, maybe not the best to do," he rambled, hoping Tsukasa wouldn't ask.
Tsukasa knew something wasn't quite right with the reasoning, he kept looking between his desk and himself, but Tsukasa couldn't put together exactly why. Unfortunately, this was one of the times he couldn't put together what was going on. He just hoped it was something he could afford to miss.
~
Rui moved a little onto Tsukasa’s lap, resting on his lover’s chest. He didn’t want to leave this position, where he finally felt like he could relax, and come to terms with himself. Where maybe, just maybe, he could just rest in his lover’s arms and things would be okay.
And maybe he would be okay.
~
He was able to improve a bit outwardly when he would go to practice, seemingly getting better. Rui would go back to what he knew, and nobody would bat an eye. That’s how it went, and that’s how it would keep going. A small hitch in the road wasn’t anything to worry about.
Because to everyone around him, to Rui himself, it was just a hitch. If the others saw his state, they’d say otherwise. To be fair, he knew that he was declining. The director could see it in the mirror every morning, he just wanted to push that knowledge away. He didn’t want it to affect his friends.
So when a few months later, he was staring at his prototype of nenerobo, and an idea came into mind, he realized just how far he’d let himself fall.
Maybe this could replace me.
Rui had shaken his head, cleared his mind, and continued what he was working on before, but the idea still lingered. On the bad days, he’d spend an hour staring at the blueprints for nenerobo, mentally tweaking them to fit himself. On his worst days, he’d actively plan them out, making the designs and techniques before finding them the next day and throwing them out.
One of the days, Nene saw the blueprints. He hadn’t crumpled them enough. She praised his work, talking about how she could see that working quite well for future plays. The director knew if she understood the why behind the robot, her reaction would be very different.
Kamishiro Rui simply wanted to help his troupe.
Kamishiro Rui wasn’t sure how his view of help aligned with theirs.