Work Text:
“Hey Yuka-tan.”
As the dormitory's front door shut behind her, Yukari threw a glance Junpei’s way, catching his hand lazily raising into a half wave before he slumped back into the couch. Normally she might bicker back a little, maybe even play into his teasing a little with some mockery of her own just to try and get a rise out of him… but she just didn’t have the energy today. And just looking over at Junpei and judging by the unenergetic tone of voice he’d taken up- he didn’t really either.
“Hey…” She trekked over towards the couches, eyeing the kitchen as a faint sizzling echoed out from beyond the corner. Setting down her archery bag, she slumped down into the couch opposing Junpei, letting out an exhaustive sigh. “Who’s over in the kitchen?”
“Fuuka-chan.” Junpei said simply at the same time Fuuka called out a meek ‘Just me!’ at the same time. She just hummed in response, and the lobby settled back into relative silence.
To say they weren’t all at least a little despondent as of late would be putting it nicely. It was honestly depressing just how… well… depressing the atmosphere around the dorm was now.
It had only been a week since that night on the moonlight bridge where the truth of their situation was revealed to them- where all the lies Ikutsuki had led them along with had come unraveled before them.
They weren’t the secret saviors of Tatsumi Port Island- they were its downfall, unknowingly calling upon Nyx to bring the fall. Ryoji wasn’t just their suave, awkward new friend- he was… god , it was hard to wrap her head around what the hell he was. The long and short of it was he was somehow the appraiser of death, and that he’d just suddenly popped into reality as a person out of Kotone of all people.
They were all taking the news pretty hard- and who wouldn’t, after all? Sure, they’d done some good in pushing back against all those cases of Apathy syndrome, and it’s not like any of them would have known, but… accidentally bringing on the potential ‘end of all life’ wasn’t exactly a fun feeling. None of them wanted to feel hopeless over the situation, but morale was more than a little shaken.
If not for the sobering reality and new time limit put on them to make a decision- then because their leader was so badly shaken. Because Kotone…
…god, Kotone .
Yukari had thought them so alike- both having lost so much to that accident on the bridge 10 years ago… but now it felt like comparing apples to oranges. Sure- all pain was valid pain, or whatever, but what could anyone even say to Kotone now?
‘Hey, sorry you lost your family in that accident? I can relate to that. Holding the harbinger of death inside your heart and incidentally unleashing it upon all of humanity? Not so much.’
It was so… god- it was just fucked , wasn’t it? It only made Yukari all the more guilty for having found out her Dad wasn’t the one behind all this mess in the first place, if that data Fuuka had found was the actual truth.
It had always felt like there was a wedge between her and Kotone- one that was bridged ever so slightly by their related pasts of pain, even if Kotone hardly said a peep about it… but now that wedge had seemingly expanded into a chasm in the blink of an eye, and suddenly Yukari had no idea how to approach their leader.
They hadn’t gone to Tarturus since the news- hell, Kotone hardly even left the dorm since the news. She missed a few days of school at first, but eventually started pushing out the door in the early morning before anyone could catch her… and she never stuck around long enough after classes for Yukari to get a word in- and Junpei never even tried. He just averted his gaze whenever she walked in or out of the classroom, and that was that.
Everyone was worried, to say the least. Mitsuru had even approached her of all people, thinly masking her concern for Kotone with talk over how she’s been unable to approach Shiomi to discuss what to do next… citing how even Shinjiro’s coma and Ikutsuki’s betrayal hadn’t affected their leader so badly, and that Mitsuru herself was at a loss for what to do with Kotone. Yukari didn’t know any better how to handle it.
At one point, maybe, she’d have felt confident in what to say to snap Kotone out of it and get her talking- but now she felt vastly underqualified.
It was a mess, to put it lightly. Everyone else was getting a little stir crazy, as far as she could tell- and she certainly felt it too.
And if Junpei’s prolonged sighing and bouncing leg wasn’t any indicator the same thing was on his mind right now, she didn’t know what was.
“...Can’t you go out on a jog, or something? You’re driving me up the wall fidgeting like that.” Yukari murmured, unable to muster up enough energy to sound truly annoyed more so than just kind of anxious. Junpei shook his head, letting out another obnoxious sigh.
“Doesn’t work- I’ve even tried smackin’ around a couple pop flies at the batting cage.” He slumped with a groan. “Man, I wish we could just go to Tarturus and smack around a few shadows… I know we’re as far as we can get up there, but- I just need to smack something , you know?”
Normally she might rebuttal with something along the lines of ‘I feel like that all the time when you open your mouth’, but she almost kind of agreed with him. The Archery Club helped take some of the edge off in the last few days, but… it wasn’t the same. Tarturus was kind of the last thing she wanted to think about right now- but the idea of training up a little was almost reassuring, despite the futility of their situation right now.
“Sanada-senpai’s probably got a punching bag or two you could borrow…” She said instead, sitting up a little straighter. “I doubt he’d let you use your bat, but it’s something, right?”
“But it’s not the same . I just-” Junpei groaned into his hands. “Can’t Ko at least come ‘n give us her blessing to go alone, or something? Mitsuru-senpai keeps saying we can’t go without her say so, but she’s not open to talkin’ about it at all!”
Yukari was almost grateful for the surge of bitter annoyance that pulsed up her chest. It felt more lively than the general apathy they’d all been stewing in. And before she could stop herself-
“Gee, I wonder why she might not be up for conversation with you right now?”
She was being needlessly petty and bitting and bitchy- and she knew it the moment she said it, watching as Junpei’s shoulders slumped and his expression grimace. She matched his guilt after a beat of silence- because she really shouldn’t have felt almost satisfied to have dragged him down like that when he already felt bad enough.
“...Sorry.” She huffed out, the pulse of emotions leaving her as quickly as it arrived. “But you really should apologize to her…”
“You don’t think I don’t know that?! I-” Junpei ran a hand through his hair, cutting himself off before he thumped his head against the back of the couch. “I’ve been trying to, man- but she runs away every time I try and even attempt to talk with her… she just shoots me that fake smile of hers and moves right along like it’s nothing.”
“...Yeah.” Yukari nodded- she’d been receiving just about the same whenever she was able to meet Kotone’s gaze. If they had any conversations at all, which was rare- Kotone ended them swiftly with a hollow smile that didn’t reach her eyes… Even some of their other classmates had begun to notice and asked her about it, since the consensus was they were close- being in the same dorm and always hanging around one another.
The dorm settled back into tense silence, the sound of sizzling from the kitchen filling the void as Yukari suddenly sat up, pursing her lips as she pushed past the awkwardness with the grace of a freight train- desperate for a new topic.
“What’s got you cooking so early in the evening anyhow, Fuuka?” She asked before she even rounded the corner- knowing perfectly well the teal-haired girl could’ve heard her from where she was sitting. But what point was there in holding a conversation across the room, much less while staring at Junpei’s face?
Fuuka startled a little, seemingly distracted from whatever food she had cooking away in the pan before her. She stood a little tense as she casted a look Yukari’s way. It was probably because of that whole little altercation she and Junpei had in earshot, if she had to wager… but neither of them wanted to focus on that, she was sure.
“Oh- I… uhm…” Fuuka pursed her lips as she looked back at what was on the stove before her, seemingly unsure what to say- that or she was just plainly uncomfortable around her at the moment. Yukari wouldn’t discount it.
“Are you practicing again?”
“...Kind of?” The tension in Fuuka's shoulders loosened a little, which helped her feel a little more relaxed in turn. Fuuka cupped her hands by her waist as she turned to fully look at Yukari, expression a little more focused- more serious. “By any chance… Do you know if Kotone-chan ate anything this morning before school?”
“Huh?” She had to admit- she was a little thrown off by the question. “I… I don’t think so? Not unless she was up before the rest of us… why?”
Fuuka’s lip pursed into a worried frown as she turned back to the food on the stove. “I saw her at lunch today and… well, we didn’t really get to talk with one another, or anything, but I didn’t see her with anything on her when she left the cafeteria,” Fuuka shifted nervously, the smell of partially overcooked but not quite burnt meat emanating from the stovetop. “I don’t think she’s been eating very well… Or, eating well at school , at least. So- uhm- I… I-I just thought I might try and make her something homemade! I thought maybe she… I thought that she might like that a little more...”
It was almost obnoxious how sweet and considerate Fuuka was- not because she was wrong for it, or anything, but because it made Yukari herself realize she hadn’t caught onto that worrying bit of behavior in the first place… Of course someone as nice and considerate Fuuka would realize something like that before her, while she was stuck acting all petty fighting with Junpei… If Kotone was acting like normal, she’d probably scold them for acting so childish toward one another.
But she wasn’t, obviously. That was the problem.
“Geez… now you’re telling me Ko of all people ain’t eating? She really is taking this hard, isn’t she?”
Yukari turned to see Junpei hovering in the kitchen's doorway now, and had to stop herself from snapping at him for butting into the conversation and for insinuating something kind of insulting about their leader… but that wasn’t fair, and she knew it. Especially with the monotone way of talking Junpei had while glancing down towards the floor. He clearly felt bad enough already without her bitching.
And even if she wouldn’t ever say it in the same way Junpei did… it really was kind of concerning someone with as healthy an appetite as Kotone was skimping out on meals.
“Is there anything I-” Her gaze caught on Junpei in her peripheral vision. “...Well, we, can do to help?
“H-huh? We ?” Junpei balked. “I can’t! I don’t know the first thing about cooking!”
Yukari just affixed him with a glare, hoping it would convey how stupid he was being by attempting to weasel out of the easy win she was trying to get him here. Geez… You’d think someone this hopeless with using their words might jump at the chance to pitch in with their hands instead!
He seemed to take the hint well enough, posture shrinking a little as he rubbed the back of his head.
“Well- uh… I guess I could be your muscle, Fuuka-chan?” He tried his usual smile- though it seemed the slightest bit forced. Fuuka returned it with a tired smile of her own.
“That’d be fine, if you want! I don’t have that much more to do, but… I-it’ll make me feel more confident about the final product if you’re watching over me!”
Yukari just raised an eyebrow, unsure what that suggested- because, seriously, Fuuka started a whole club for cooking at school, and Yukari was at least 90% sure Kotone was in it… If anyone would be confident in their ability to make something good Kotone would enjoy, wouldn’t it be Fuuka? It’s not like Junpei knew anything about cooking, and he’d just self admitted the fact.
She didn’t get to ask though, because before she knew it Fuuka had turned to her with an almost pleading expression.
“And if you don’t mind… Maybe you could go and see if Kotone-chan wants to come down?” Fuuka shifted in place, looking a little hesitant. “I don’t mind bringing her it, o-of course! Just… if she’d like, it would be nice if we could all eat together down here again… it’s been a while.”
“You want me to go talk with her?” Yukari blinked at her, a little caught off guard.
Sure, she could get why Fuuka would ask her over Junpei, considering what that blockhead’s last conversation with Kotone was like… but that didn’t mean she would fare that much better.
She didn’t have the soft spoken kindness of Fuuka, or the confident, analytical wisdom of Mitsuru, or even Akihiko’s passion and drive to push through the problem. She was just… what? Kind of short tempered? Prone to jumping the gun? Over-emotional?
Whatever she was- she doubted she’d do much of a good job at all in convincing Kotone to come sit with the rest of them if a weeks worth of time and platitudes from all the other members of SEES couldn’t.
Fuuka, however, just gave that sickeningly sweet, earnest smile of hers and nodded- as if having full faith in her of all people.
“I think if anyone would be able to talk her into coming down for an early dinner, I’d be you Yukari-chan.”
She didn’t- but there wasn’t much point in telling Fuuka that, and unlike Junpei she at least wanted to try and sort this whole mess out even if she thought she wasn’t equipped to do it herself.
With a resigned sigh she nodded along. “I’ll see what I can do…”
“Thank you!” Fuuka hummed out, turning her attention back towards the stove- letting out a small squeak of what Yukari hoped was surprise and not fear as she flipped over the meat in the skillet, which looked a little too well done for her liking… but what did Yukari know? Fuuka was more knowledgeable on cooking than her, and maybe Kotone liked it better that way?
Regardless she excused herself from the kitchen to let the other two second years get to work, moving to trek upstairs towards the third floor. Within moments she was hovering in front of Kotone’s door, frowning to herself as she tried to figure out what to say. Should she just open up right with it and call her for dinner? Should she try something more… tactical? Maybe ease Kotone into it?
She didn’t know, to be honest, and standing there for a good minute didn’t give her any clear answers, so with a deep breath she forced herself to knock.
“Hey. It’s… Yukari.” She finished lamely, almost cringing at the stupidity of what she’d just said- put she pushed through. “You awake in there? Fuuka made you-” She cut herself off- would specifying it was for her make her just feel bad or pressured? “-made food , I mean… She wanted to know if you wanted some. It’s-”
…What even had been Fuuka making? She hadn’t exactly taken a close look…
Crap.
“...It’s almost ready, if you want any?” She amended the awkward silence, cringing at how poorly this was already going. This was exactly why she wasn’t well equipped to handle this kind of thing, really.
Regardless she held her breath and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
…No response.
Pursing her lips, she tried her luck again.
“It’s fine if you don’t want to, I just… thought I’d ask, you know?” She trailed off, considering her words for a second. “...Fuuka thinks it’d be kind of nice for us to eat together.”
She waited.
And waited.
And waited.
…Nothing.
Maybe Kotone really was asleep, or maybe she had those headphones of hers in? She wasn’t the type to just ignore people.
Yukari leaned forward, knocking on the door softly- not loud enough to wake her, if Kotone was asleep, but hopefully enough to grab her attention if she really was awake in there.
Strangely enough though, the moment her knuckles brushed against the door it pushed open. She hadn’t even noticed it had been left open a crack…
With concern and nosiness getting the better of her, Yukari pushed the door open that little bit more as she poked her head into the room.
“Kotone?”
Again- she found nothing… nothing apart from a messier room than she would’ve expected, at least.
Clothes were bunched up near the closet, papers were messily strewn out over the bed, and Kotone’s backpack was slumped on the floor right in front of the door, partially stopping it from opening all the way. Unless Kotone had hidden herself in the closet, clearly she wasn’t in here.
Yukari felt equal parts relieved Kotone hadn’t heard how badly she’d butchered her words there as much as she did worried over where the hell their leader could be. She left the dorm regularly on weekdays, sure, but… she hadn’t done that as of late, and she was fairly sure nobody else saw her leave…
Yukari could only imagine one other place she could be.
Soon enough she was out of Kotone’s room, shutting the door fully behind her as she climbed the stairs up to the top of the dorm and approaching the roof exit. Kotone had a knack for growing things up here from time to time- though with the seasons changing, she hadn’t done it in a while…
But if she’d be anywhere else in the dorm, it was here.
“Kotone?” She called out as she pushed open the door. “Are you-”
Her voice caught in her throat.
It wasn’t quite dark out- but the sun was starting to set in the sky, with how late they were into the year.
Unmistakably, through the linger sunlight, she saw Kotone opposite to her on the rooftop- sitting over the edge and facing the sunset.
Yukari’s heart hammered in her chest as she tried to start breathing again, instead of just sitting there with her mouth agape and her posture stiff. She willed her brain to 1) shut up , and 2) do something .
Because clearly what she was seeing her wasn’t what her first thought was. It couldn’t be.
“...Kotone?” Her voice came out quieter and shakier than she would’ve liked. “What’re you doing?”
Kotone didn’t answer, she just sat there silently- the brisk winter breeze brushing by her as Yukari took a step forward. She couldn’t stop to second guess herself– she couldn’t risk guessing wrong.
“ Kotone .” She tried a little more forcefully, urgency leaking into her tone. “Kotone, look at me.”
Kotone didn’t.
She kept moving forward, and time felt like it had slowed down all of a sudden. Every step, every breath, every whir of the wind- she could hear it all. Her voice strained as she spoke louder.
“ Kotone ! Plea-”
Kotone startled, shifting on the ledge as Yukari’s heart stopped in her chest-
Only for Kotone to turn and face her, plucking one of her headphones out of her ears, the wires having been concealed by her hair as she stared wide eyed back at Yukari. Her headphones loud enough that Yukari could faintly hear them a few meters away.
“O-oh- Yukari!” Kotone said quickly, shifting around the ledge to face her as Yukari felt all the adrenaline pumping through her veins dissipate within seconds. “Sorry, I was…” Kotone paused, shaking her head. “I had my music turned up too loud, sorry about that. Did you need something?”
Did she need something?
DId she need something?
The adrenaline that had flushed out of her veins was replaced with white hot anger as Kotone stared at her, bags under her eyes and expression morphed with concern as she sat there as if not a damn thing in the world was wrong.
“...Are you okay?” Kotone asked all too gently.
And Yukari felt something snap .
“Am I okay?!” Yukari scoffed out. “Are you– what is wrong with you?!”
Kotone actually flinched a little at that, looking hurt. A better person would’ve relented at that- but Yukari wasn’t a better person.
“You’re detached from all of us the whole week , avoiding us and hiding away– and the one time I track you down just the two of us you’re just–” Yukari paced back and forth, hands clenched as she tried to calm herself down. Kotone stood up, looking guilty.
“I… I haven’t been trying to ignore you guys. I just–”
“But you have !” Yukari snapped back, glaring at her. “You’re pushing everyone away and making us all worried sick!”
Kotone’s gaze fell, her expression twisting into something more vulnerable than Yukari had perhaps ever seen on her face.
“I’m sorry… I… I didn’t-”
“And that’s just it!” Yukari hissed out, stomping her foot. “You’re trying to apologize to me– but you don’t even know what you’re doing it for!”
“Well-” Kotone looked almost at a loss now, eyes swimming with complex emotion. “I- well I didn't mean to make you angry . I just-”
“I don’t want your apologies, and I’m not angry at you!”
“I– well you sure seem angry at me!” Kotone bit back, seeming frustrated herself for the first time Yukari could remember. “It’s not like I was trying to brush you all off on purpose!”
“Then why don’t you say that?! Why don’t you say anything to us instead of leaving us in the dark?!” Yukari felt unshed tears pricking at her eyes. “We just have to guess around how you’re feeling instead of getting any straight answers from you, and it’s–”
“Awful, I’m sure.” Kotone turned away, expression hardened. “Whether I mean it or not I make everything awful for everyone , I get it.”
“That’s not what I’m saying!” Yukari grit her teeth, gripping her temple.
“It’s what you’re all thinking- Junpei even said it aloud!” Kotone let out a hollow laugh. “It’s– you don’t have to try and pretend it isn’t. You aren’t going to hurt my feelings by trying to pretend you aren’t angry about it, alright? I can–”
“ I thought you were going to kill yourself! ”
The rooftop goes dead silent at that. Yukari’s got the palms of her hands pressed up into her eyes.
“Nobody has any idea how you’re doing, or how you’re taking everything– You won’t talk to anyone, you just pretend everything's fine!” Yukari’s voice cracked, anger trailing off in her tone. “I just came up to ask you if you wanted to come down for dinner– and– and I just saw you staring off over the roof without a word, and everyone already knows you aren’t taking what happened with Ryoji well, so– so what was I supposed to think?!”
“Yukari…” Kotone’s voice was so soft and quiet now– a far cry from the anger and frustration leaking out of it mere moments ago.
It almost made Yukari’s anger flare back up– but all that came out was a choked scoff.
“A-and the first thing you do is show concern for making me upset once you do notice me… You just turn it right back around off yourself…” Yukari shook her head, tone quivering. “That’s– that’s what made me angry, not…”
“Yukari…” Kotone sounded a lot closer now, voice wavering a little. Yukari let out a growl as Kotone began to speak again, raising her head to glare at her.
“Don’t apologize! That’s– get angry at me again! Yell at me again, just– speak your mind!”
Kotone’s face contorted with guilt as she averted her gaze.
“...Why would I do that? I wasn’t– I’m not even angry, really. Not at you.”
“You were for a second– and it’s the most emotionally open I think you’ve ever been!” Yukari shook her head. “It’s– don’t you know what it’s like , being friends with someone like you?”
“...No?”
“It’s infuriating!” Yukari snapped. “You’re so… everything . You’re dependable, you’re funny, you’re kind– you always seem to know what to say and who to say it too– and… and this always happens.”
“This…?”
“ This .” Yukari half gestured to herself, the fight fading from her system as her tone simmered. She blinked away the tears in her eyes, rubbing at her face. “You… I don’t even know what it is about you that just opens me up like a book– you…” She sniffed, slumping to the floor near the roof's door. “...You get to see so much of the people you meet. You make it… you make it so easy to open up– it’s almost kind of scary…”
Yukari could feel Kotone slide down next to her– staying silent as Kotone hovered by her side. She appreciated it as much as she loathed it– both for how comforting it felt and how well it proved her point. She let out a dry laugh.
“...Half the time I almost feel like I'm taking advantage of you, you know?”
“You aren’t.” Kotone said firmly, though not unkindly. Yukari just shook her head.
“I know… but here I am, laying myself out to you again, and…” Yukari curled up a little, letting out a shaky sigh. “...I don’t even think you’ve told me anything sad or painful about yourself willingly. Whenever we’re together, it’s… it almost always feels like it’s about me , because you never want it to be about you .”
“...And if I said ‘I’m sorry’ to that, you’d just get upset with me again, right?”
Yukari leveled her a glare, but it was hard to maintain it with the sheepish, good natured smile Kotone was giving her- even if it didn’t reach her eyes. Her little quip had almost completely diffused the tension- and they both knew it.
Yukari just sighed, head thumping back against the wall behind her.
“Everybody knows you’re taking this hard… it’s… even you can’t hide it, when it’s something as serious as this. You know?”
The plastered smile on Kotone’s face faded fast enough as she looked away.
“...I figured as much.”
“That’s why you’ve been hiding away and running off, right?” Yukari sighed. “To try and stop us from noticing and asking about it.”
Kotone didn’t say anything, she just sat silent and looked off towards the sunset. That was enough of an answer in itself.
“...You don’t have to tell everyone your life's story– much less me , if you don’t want to. I’m… If how I just acted towards you was any indicator, I’m hardly fit to handle complex emotions.” Yukari sighed. “But It would be nice to at least have some clue what you’re thinking when it’s not sunshine and rainbows. That way I don’t…” She trailed off, swallowing thickly. “...I don’t want to jump to… To the worst conclusions when I don’t know what’s going on with you, you know? And…”
She hesitated for a few moments.
“...You’re my friend. I want you to feel like you can talk to me, like how I feel like I can with you. We all do.”
Kotone didn’t say anything in response to that right away.
They both sat in silence, facing towards the setting sun as the evening chill settled in around them. She didn’t let it deter her from sitting by Kotone’s side, though– the least she could do after that whole slew of emotions she just spat out at her friend was stick by her until she told her to leave.
“...It put my whole life back into perspective.”
But she didn’t.
Yukari sat up straighter as she glanced at Kotone, fully attentive. After a moment, when it was clear Kotone wasn’t going to elaborate, she threw her best guess out there as to what she meant.
“You mean everything that happened with Ryoji-kun, right?”
“Yeah.”
Kotone’s voice was subdued and quiet in a way Yukari hadn’t ever heard from her before– not even after Shinjiro’s accident or Ikutsuki’s betrayal. She sounded more than just exhausted, or worn out, or sad. She sounded so deeply… tired .
“...How so?” Yukari pushed gently after a beat of silence, shifting that smallest bit closer to Kotone as the girl stared despondent down towards the roof, averting her gaze towards the side.
“I mean– how didn’t it?” Kotone let out a dry, effortless half chuckle as she shrugged her shoulders. “To find out I’ve had that– him … living inside me all these years… to figure out how wrapped up I was in all this since the beginning, it’s…”
Kotone trailed off. Yukari pursed her lips, nodding along.
“It’s a lot, right? Even for someone as strong as you?”
“...Sure.” Kotone’s voice shook a little bit. “You could put it like that.”
“You shouldn’t blame yourself, you know.” Yukari reached out, hand inching towards Kotone’s own on the ground between them. “It’s not your fault… and it’s not like you could’ve ever known.”
“Maybe.” Kotone let out another sharp, curt laugh. “But that doesn’t make me feel any better about it.”
“Right… but I want you to know we don’t blame you. Not even Junpei, even if he likes to run his mouth and blurt out stuff without thinking. We’re not, like, mad at you over any of it… alright? You should know that.”
Yukari's fingers prodded at Ketones as a silent question, and Kotone answered by taking her hand. It felt odd to act so physically with someone else… but Yukari knew well enough how much Kotone valued that kind of connection– and she herself knew how comforting that kind of touch could be, if that night back on the beach of Yakushima had anything to say about it.
They sat in a much more comfortable, albeit somber silence for a little while, Yukari watching as the sun began to graze the horizon as Kotone continued to avert her gaze and sit partially hunched up into herself– through her limbs slowly began to untangle and relax the longer they sat.
It was nice, in a way.
“...I used to think about that night a lot.”
Yukari had thought, for a moment, that she’d heard wrong. Kotone practically whispered it out, but one small glance at Kotone’s hardened expression was enough to tell her she’d heard right.
“The night you lost your family… right?”
Kotone’s grip on her hand tightened a little. Yukari responded by scooting a little closer, their shoulders almost touching.
“You’ve mentioned before you don’t really think much about it anymore… has this just gone and dug it all up again for you?” Yukari prompted gently.
“Maybe.” Kotone sucked in a tense breath. “It’s– i-it’s not them , I think about. I mean… it is, but– it’s…” Kotone trailed off, swallowing thickly as she turned her head the slightest bit– not quite able to look Yukari in the eyes still, but meeting her just about halfway. “I think about how that night could’ve gone differently, you know?”
Yukari didn’t, nobody did, that’s the whole reason she needed Kotone to tell her– to open up more about this.
Yukari just squeezed her hand silently, hoping that was enough of an assurance to keep going. Kotone lowered her head again
“I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted to… to, uhm…” Kotone’s voice wavered, hesitating.
“To…?”
“... Die .” Kotone’s voice cracked awkwardly, and Yukari could feel a the shiver running through Kotone’s body through her hand. “But I… I used to think about how else that night could’ve played out.”
“Yeah…?”
“I always– I used to think that– that it almost would’ve been happier if I… if we all passed together… y-you know?” Kotone’s voice shook a little as a paper thin smile spread across her face. “I mean a family dying in an accident is heartbreaking, but… a daughter surviving without her parents and her little brother… It’s… that just makes everyone pity her, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah…”
“A-and I used to think about if they had made it and I hadn’t too–” Kotone spoke a little hastier. “Like, if… if they’d all have been able to make it out of there instead of me, or if at least my brother could’ve. I… I could never remember what actually happened outside of bits and pieces of nightmares, but I thought— I always thought ‘why me’... not why it happened to me, but why… why I was the only one to make it out alive–”
Kotone’s grip on her hand hardened. She was shaking now as she let out a hollow laugh.
“But I guess now I know it was all fate, right? If I hadn’t survived to… take on all of this , it would’ve been someone else– or it would’ve been nobody, and the world would’ve been doomed right then and there.” Kotone shook her head, voice cracking. “Or if I had done something selfish and stupid when I was younger– when I– when everything was so much worse– I could’ve let out death right then and there and killed everyone.”
Yukari moved closer, heart clenching for her friend as she caught onto the vague implication. Their shoulders brushed as Kotone leaned into her the smallest bit– before her weight seemed to fully sag against Yukari, her breathing shrill.
“And I just– I don’t understand what I was supposed to do, y-you know? I… if I’d done everything the same, we’d end up right here again– and Nyx would still be on the way. But if I’d done anything differently… then the shadows would still be terrorizing everyone , or maybe I’d have died one day and just doomed the whole world anyway– a-and it’s– it’s like– it’s like everything I could’ve done would’ve been wrong because I’d never have known until it was too late–”
“Kotone…” She tried to soothe, but Kotone's breath just hitched as the words kept spilling out.
“And even if it’s not my fault everyone would be dead or suffering because of something that was inside me – or because of something I did or didn’t do when I was supposed to– it all just falls back on me – and it’s– I-I don’t even know what to do, or– or how I’m supposed to fix this– and It’s so– I…”
Kotone hiccuped, and for maybe the first time since she’d known her– Yukari saw tears slipping down her face.
“I don’t know why it was me -” Kotone let out a sob, trembling, taking her over. “I didn’t– I don’t want this– ”
Yukari put an arm around her to pull against Kotone’s opposing shoulder as the auburn haired girl was wracked by sobs. Whatever Kotone had intended to say faded away as her control slipped, and from there nothing was said.
Yukari simply allowed her friend to let out emotions she must’ve been bottling up far before this year started, sitting by her side and holding her close as she did so.
Eventually Kotone’s sobbed started to slow down, and the shaking and trembling that wracked her body began to subside as the sun fully set over the horizon. Soon enough the only audible thing on the rooftop, other than Kotone’s occasional sniffling, was the wind around them.
“...Sorry.”
Yukari glanced over at the break in the silence as Kotone pushed off her– rubbing at her raw eyes as the hint of a smile played on her face, seeming more genuine than anything Yukari had seen in a good long while.
“Sorry? For what?” Yukari raised an eyebrow.
“I dunno…” Kotone shrugged, letting out another sniffle as she finished rubbing at her face. She glanced at Yukari, the corners of her smile picking up a little. “For blubbering all over you– for not communicating like a good friend– for bringing on the goddess of death… something like that.”
Yukari just scoffed, shaking her head. “Oh hush– I don’t want your sorry over something like that. You already know that.”
“Yeah… yeah I know.”
A brief silence filled the air.
“...I’m… I didn’t– I don’t want you guys to think I’ve given up, or anything…” Kotone said slowly, all the mirth in her smile having faded away. “I know I’m a mess right now, but–”
“Please, you think it’s just you?” Yukari bumped her shoulder. “We’re all in over our heads right now… but we never thought you were ready to throw in the towel.”
“...Yeah.” Kotone’s smile returned as she nodded, letting out another sniff. “Yeah, I’m not. I’ll… we’ll figure out how to handle Ryoji, and Nyx, and… and all of that.”
“Naturally. You’re too stubborn to give it up.”
“Hah, yeah, yeah I guess I am…”
“...”
“...Thank you, by the way.” Kotone let out a breath. “I… uhm… I’m sorry I’ve been so one sided with–”
“Save it.” Yukari sighed out, cutting off that train of thought before it could even leave the station. “I get it… and I don’t want apologies from you, most of all, especially when I acted like how I did today.”
Kotone went quiet for a moment. “...Considerate and understanding of someone determined to keep you out?”
Yukari let out a snort.
“I was thinking bitchy, actually.”
Kotone let out a snort of her own at that– coughing after the fact, supposedly from how sudden the act had been.
“God– language !” Kotone wheezed out, amusement plain to see on her face. “What would Mitsuru-senpai say if she heard you?!”
“Well if she heard even half of what I’d raved about earlier to you, she’d probably scold me.”
“I wouldn’t let her.” Kotone hummed out pleasantly. “It’s what I needed to hear, anyway.”
“I doubt it…”
“Well I don’t… and I forgive you, anyway.”
“Mhm.” Yukari hummed noncommittally, not willing to argue the matter any further. If it had lead to Kotone opening up the smallest bit, then… she guessed she would have acted worse.
gggrrghHHGrrghhwwlll…
Yukari startled a little from the sudden sound, head turning to try and see if Koromaru had somehow made his way up to the roof's entrance, or if a shadow had suddenly appeared as a source of the rough growl that echoed out into the evening sky.
Turning back to Kotone, and seeing the deep crimson flooding her face made her relax.
“You really haven’t eaten anything today, have you?”
“...You mentioned dinner at some point while you were up here, right?” Kotone smiled sheepishly, purposefully avoiding the question as Yukari continued to glare at her.
With a sigh she just shook her head.
“Yeah… Fuuka was making you some early cause she suspected you hadn’t had anything else today. It’s probably ready by now, considering how long I took to tell you… might even be cold.”
“...Well if I need to fix up something else because of that, It’s no big deal.” Kotone laughed nervously. “Can’t let Fuuka do all the work, after all!”
“Junepi was helping her, to be fair, so… she’s probably got a handle on it.”
Kotone went quiet for a moment after that, before abruptly she moved to stand, letting out a deep sigh.
“Well… I’m going to head back to my room to freshen up a little bit so I don’t look like I just got dumped on prom night in front of everyone… then I’ll head down and see what the damage is in the kitchen and what we can salvage!”
“Salvage?” Yukari raised an eyebrow, but Kotone just smiled and took Yukari’s hand, patting it as she stared right into her eyes.
“I’ll meet you down there soon enough, kay? I won’t hide away or lock my door or anything, promise.”
“...R-right.” She nodded, a little flustered– something that was only worsened as Kotone moved in to trap her in a tight hug.
“And... Thank you .”
Kotone whispered that last part, and before Yukari could say anything– Kotone unlatched herself and hummed as she traversed back down from the rooftop, leaving Yukari alone with an odd feeling in her chest.
She was still convinced she could’ve handled that a lot better, probably by not getting enraged and yelling at Kotone practically off the bat. Some of the others in the dorm could’ve probably handled that with more grace and respect than she had…
…But part of her was really, really glad she’d been the one to be there for Kotone despite that, even if she could’ve handled it better. She was happy to have made some sort of breakthrough with her friend, even if it resulted in a bit of a breakdown for the both of them.
She was happy to be someone Kotone felt she could confide in and trust, and that was something very few people could say.
As she descended back into the dorm, the faint whiff of something burnt distracted her from furthering that line of thought. But the feeling of satisfaction remained even still.