Jake is pretty sure he is going to fall asleep on his textbook. He’s in one of the study rooms in the university library. They have a bunch on the third floor, ranging in different sizes; he’s in one of the smaller ones that only has two chairs and a desk. The room has a glass door with an optional privacy screen, but Jake forgot to pull it down when he entered.
He doesn’t really care though; the only thing that people passing by see is how utterly useless Jake is at Japanese. He looks at the time on his phone. 10:30 pm. He sighs, glaring at the worksheet in front of him. He needs to finish his homework before class tomorrow, but he’s been stuck on the same phrase for over an hour.
He doesn’t understand why he’s so terrible. He learned English when he moved to Australia when he was a kid. And he re-learned Korean when he went back for a semester abroad last year—his parents speak a mix of English and Korean so never needed to be completely fluent. He’s good at languages. Or at least he thought he was. It really shouldn’t be this hard for him to pick up Japanese.
And yet…this is his third time taking Japanese Language Level 1. And he can’t even rely on his drops this time because he’s in his fourth year of college and has already used both his pre-final drops and his post-final scratch.
During the second semester of Freshman year, Heeseung, Sunghoon, and Jake all had decided to learn Japanese together. And, after a week into the course, Jake had seriously regretted the choice. Still, he was too stubborn to drop it during the first month of school. But after struggling through the coursework for an entire semester, Jake saw the writing on the wall. He had never scored above a D on any of the tests, so he dropped the class right before finals.
Sunghoon and Heeseung had teased him, but Jake knew it had been the right call.
He honestly hadn’t planned to try taking the course again—he knew he sucked at Japanese. But then, during his sophomore year, Jungwon and Sunoo had begged him to take the class with them. He had figured that taking it a second time might actually go better for him since he was familiar with the assignments.
He still never scored above a D on any of the tests. And really, he should have used his other pre-final drop, but he had been stubborn. He convinced himself he could save his overall grade with a really good score on his final. Unfortunately, he completely tanked that final and had to use his post-final scratch to avoid it impacting his grade point average.
After sophomore year, Jake vowed he would never take Japanese Language Level 1 ever again. He didn’t need to learn Japanese anyway.
Sure, Heeseung, Jungwon, and Sunoo have completed the first three language course levels. And yes, Sunghoon has discovered he is some kind of Japanese language savant because he finished the advanced Japanese language course after completing the first three levels. And Jay is basically fluent—he is actually minoring in the language.
But still, it’s not like Jake actually needs to know the language.
Or at least he didn’t think he did…until the end of last semester. Last semester, he found out he got accepted into an engineering internship with a U.S. office of a Japanese company. And while the U.S. offices don’t require employees to be fluent in Japanese, they do require college interns to have completed at least one semester of a Japanese language course.
So, much to his friends’ amusement, Jake had to enroll in Japanese Language Level 1 for the third fucking time.
And now, it’s literally the first week and he’s already struggling. And it’s honestly a bit pathetic because he’s read through this chapter of the textbook two times already. Jake stares at the textbook again and groans.
He’s about to slam his head against the desk when someone knocks on the door to the study room. He raises his head to see who’s there and can’t help but smile when he sees it’s Riki.
He points at the door handle and Jake nods, waving for him to come inside.
Riki is the lone sophomore in their friend group. Heeseung, Sunghoon, Jay, and Jake are all seniors and Sunoo and Jungwon are juniors. Their friend group had been a solid group of six, but that all changed the first week of last year.
They often joke that the universe was intent on Riki joining their group because there isn’t really any other explanation for how each of them managed to have an interaction with Riki during his first week.
Heeseung met Riki at the first dance club meeting of the year. Heeseung had told them that they did a freestyle circle at the end of the meeting and there was a freshman that really impressed him. It had been surprising because when it comes to dancing, not many people can impress Heeseung.
Jungwon, on the other hand, had encountered Riki the dining hall. In typical Jungwon fashion, he tripped over his own shoes and ended up spilling his tray all over Riki’s pants. Jungwon had expected to get cursed out but instead Riki just started cracking up and said, “there are easier ways to get my pants off than this.” The two of them bonded immediately and ended up meeting for lunch three times that week.
Sunoo ended up being in the same art elective as Riki that semester and they had gotten to know each other during the first class. Sunoo had only taken the class because he wanted an easy A, but apparently Riki had taken it as a prerequisite for his major.
Sunghoon met Riki toward the end of the first week when he went to the office hours for his entry level science class. Sunghoon was actually retaking the class, and they bonded over being completely clueless about what happened during the first two lectures.
Jay had met Riki through K because apparently K grew up in the same town as Riki and asked Jay to look out for him. And in typical Jay fashion, he decided to adopt Riki right then and there.
Jake was actually the last to meet Riki during that week. On that first Saturday of the semester, Jake went to the intermural soccer league meeting and ended up doing drills with Riki all morning.
Riki joining their group felt seamless after that. It wasn’t even really discussed. They just started inviting him group dinners and movie nights. They added him to the group chat. And within weeks, it felt like Riki had been in the group all along.
But for Jake…his connection with Riki felt different in a way that he couldn’t really put his finger on. The closest comparison he could think of was Sunghoon, but even then, it wasn’t the same. Sure, it was instant just like it had been with Sunghoon, but there was also a thrilling edge that wasn’t present when he met Hoon during rush week (neither of them ended up accepting bids). Meeting Sunghoon had felt like finding a safe place—a source of comfort.
But meeting Riki had felt like an adrenaline rush—like waking up from a fog.
At the start, their friendship was playful—a tad competitive even; they would play sports or prank each other on a regular basis. Riki brought Jake much needed levity that first semester. Then, the second semester of Riki’s freshman year rolled around and he started to get a bit homesick. He refused to talk to anyone about it, brushing their concerns off whenever anyone tried to ask, but it was clear it was eating him.
And then finally, half way into that semester, Jake caught Riki crying under a tree in one of the fields on campus. His eyes were puffy, but as soon as he saw Jake, he pursed his lips and straightened his shoulders; for a moment, Jake assumed Riki was going to brush him off again. But then, he shook his head and started crying into his hands, tucking his knees into his chest. Jake didn’t say anything—he was no stranger to missing home; instead, he just plopped down next to Riki and let him lay his head on his shoulder.
It had been a defining moment in their friendship. After that, they began to seek each other out whenever things were a little too stressful. Sometimes they sat in silence and other times they tried to release the tension with some sort of sport or physical activity. It was like the two of them had forged an unspoken understanding under that tree.
Jake thinks about their friendship now; their conversations are equal amounts of unserious bickering and painful sincerity. They will scream at each other during S crabble —because babygirlism is definitely a word—and then Riki will let Jake hide his head in Riki’s chest during scary movies.
Actually, they are both incredibly touchy—much more than the rest of their friends—so they tend to gravitate toward each other during movie nights even if it’s not a horror film.
Jake can admit that somehow over the last two years, Riki has become Jake’s go-to person. He can’t really explain it, but if he goes more than a day without talking to the younger, he feels antsy—untethered even.
“Earth to Jake?” Riki says, waving a hand in front of Jake’s face.
Jake blinks, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. “Sorry.” He shrugs. “A lot on my mind I guess.”
“I can tell.” Riki frowns. “You look miserable.” Riki points at the open textbook. “Still giving you trouble?”
Jake nods, bottom lip jutting out. “I’m gonna fail and they are going to revoke my internship.” Jake whines. “I seriously can’t do this.”
“You’re not going to fail.” Riki shakes his head. He stands in the doorway awkwardly for a few seconds. Then, with an exaggerated amount of nonchalance, he asks, “do you want me to help you?”
Jake can still read the sincerity underneath offer and his eyes light up. “Seriously?” He asks. “I thought you said you refused to become the Japanese tutor for the group.” He remembers Riki telling Sunoo something to that effect when Sunoo had asked for his help last semester.
Riki rolls his eyes. “Sunoo didn’t actually need my help. He was just being lazy.” Riki says, waving his hand dismissively. He looks at Jake and then down at his shoes. “And I’m not agreeing to be the Japanese tutor for the group.” Riki shrugs. “I’m just offering to help you…” He gestures to the book in front of Jake. “I know you’re trying really hard.”
Jake feels a fluttering feeling in his gut and he tries to will it away. It’s been happening recently whenever Riki lets his sweet side show. Jake really can’t figure out why; he is the one who gets to see this side of Riki most often. Yet Jake can feel his ears turning pink as he gives Riki a shy smile, pulling out the chair next to him. “You know…Jay tried helping me and he said I’m hopeless.”
Riki straightens his shoulders, puffing out his chest slightly, and smirks. “I’m a way better teacher than Jay.”
Jake laughs at that and then gestures to the pulled-out chair. “Can you help me with this assignment then? It’s due tomorrow.”
Riki nods, moving to sit next to Jake.
When he gets close, Jake can smell Riki’s cologne and he relaxes a little—Riki always smells good. Or at least Jake thinks so. Neither he or Riki like heavy scents. It’s actually one of the first things they bonded over; there was a guy at that first soccer meeting who smelled like he had bathed in a pool of pepper, cedar, and patchouli.
Riki, on the other hand, wears a powdery fragrance that carries a hint of citrus. And it has easily become one of Jake’s favorite scents. Predictably, Riki refuses to share what brand it is—he goes so far as to hiding his cologne whenever Jake stays over at Riki and Heeseung’s apartment.
And since he can’t buy his own bottle, Jake has resorted to stealing Riki’s hoodies that carry the scent. The first time it happened, Sunghoon gave him a weird look when he got back to the apartment. But Sunghoon hates sharing clothes, so Jake hadn’t read too much into it. Besides, Jake knows Riki doesn’t mind the habit. In fact, sometimes he will remind Jake to take a hoodie with him if he forgets to grab one.
“Okay, so what do you need to do?” Riki glances at the worksheet.
“I had to write out my introduction.” Jake points at the first set of instructions. “My name, grade, and favorite color.” Jake points to the first section of the worksheet that he has already completed.
Riki nods, picking it up, so he can read it over. “It’s ‘watashi no namae wa Jeiku desu’ not ‘kare no namae wa Jeiku desu’ when you are referring to yourself.”
“Shit.” Jake slaps his forehead.
“It’s fine.” He waves his hand dismissively. “Just scratch it out and write the correct one above it.”
Jake nods, taking the worksheet back from Riki so he can change his mistake. After he finishes, he points at the second section of the worksheet. “This was the part that was giving me the most trouble.”
Riki reads the instructions and then hums. “You just need to match these introductory phrases on the left with the ones in English on the right?
Jake nods quickly. “But I have no idea what that phrase means.” Jake points at the middle phrase.
Riki reads it once and then covers the Japanese phrases with his hand. “Don’t try to interpret the Japanese phrases. Practice translating the English phrases and writing them out.” Riki grabs a notebook out of his bag and then begins writing the English phrases on a sheet of paper. He rips it out and hands it to Jake.
“These are going to take me forever to figure out.” Jake groans, staring at the piece of paper.
Riki shrugs. “I’ll work on my homework then.” He pulls his laptop out of his bag.
Jake blinks at him and then at the piece of paper. “You’re seriously not going to tell me which ones are which.”
Riki laughs. “How is that supposed to help you learn?” He imitates zipping his mouth shut. “I’m here if you have questions, but I’m not going to just give you the answers.”
Jake huffs, glaring at the piece of paper, but then he gets to work.
After a painful hour of struggling—he has many scratch marks all over the sheet of paper Riki gave him—Jake finally manages to get all five phrases translated correctly. Once Riki approves, he gives Jake back his homework sheet and Jake is able to match the phrases with ease.
The next portion of the worksheet is practicing tracing various letters, so he gets to work on that as Riki turns his attention back to his laptop screen.
Another half hour goes by and Jake finishes his tracing. “You’re almost done—you just have to pick a favorite symbol from the four at the bottom there.” Riki points at the bonus question on the worksheet.
“But I don’t know what any of them mean?” Jake whines, rubbing at his eyes. “And I’m tired.” He pouts. “How am I supposed to pick?”
Riki laughs at him, rolling his eyes. “Pick that one,” he says pointing at the furthest left symbol.
Jake stares at it curiously. 愛 . He doesn’t recognize it all. “What does it mean?” Jake asks.
Riki shrugs. “It’s pretty,” he says, evading the question. And before Jake can ask any more questions, Riki gets up and starts gathering his things. “I’ll see you at soccer tomorrow, right?” He asks, zipping his backpack.
Jake frowns at the symbol and then at Riki, blinking. But Riki is looking at Jake expectantly, so Jake says, “uh, yeah.” He points at his worksheet. “Thanks for the help.”
Riki nods, moving toward the study room door. “No problem, Jakey.” He smirks. “I can’t help that I’m better than you at everything.” Riki laughs and Jake chucks an eraser at the back of his head as he leaves the room—Riki dodges it with ease unfortunately.
Jake is chewing on the end of his pencil as he sits on the living room couch in Heeseung and Riki’s apartment. Riki grabs the pencil, throws it on the floor next to him, and chides, “you’re going to get lead poisoning.” Jake whines, reaching for a highlighter to chew on. Riki rolls his eyes and mumbles, “I’m going to buy you a chew toy.”
Jake pouts but he doesn’t quip back. Honestly, Jake can admit he has a bit of an oral fixation—his straws all look like chew toys whenever he finishes a drink. Unfortunately, it’s even worse when he’s stressed…and he’s extremely stressed right now; tomorrow is his first exam for Japanese Language Level 1. The same exam he has gotten a D on twice.
Riki has stuck to his word for the last month and has been tutoring Jake twice a week. Jake still finds the language incredibly challenging but Riki has been surprisingly patient…or at least more patient that Jay had been.
“You guys hungry?” Heeseung asks from the kitchen. “I can make some ramyeon.”
Jake’s stomach growls and he peeks over at Riki. He shakes his head. “No ramyeon until you finish reviewing the flashcards you missed.” He glances at Jake. “Besides, you need something more substantial the night before a test.”
Jake groans as Riki fishes out his phone. Jake missed a lot of flash cards, so the review is taking him forever. “That’s rich coming from you.” Heeseung comes out of the kitchen rolling his eyes. “Last night your dinner was boba, vanilla ice cream, and Bungeoppang.”
Riki crosses his arms. “I didn’t have a test today though.”
Heeseung gives him a flat look. Riki ignores it, nudging Jake with his shoulder. “What do you want to eat?” Riki points at his phone. Heeseung chuckles and walks back toward the kitchen.
Jake bites his lip. He actually does really want Heeseung’s ramyeon, but he knows Riki will get sulky if he says that; instead, he just shrugs and says, “you pick.”
Riki looks at Jake sideways and then sighs, pocketing his phone. “Fine.” He points toward the kitchen. “It’s your stomach.”
Jake squirms excitedly and turns so he can fully face Riki. “Really?” He asks. “I can have ramyeon?”
Riki rolls his eyes. “Whatever.” He calls to Heeseung. “Hee, can you make enough for me and Jake to eat too.”
Heeseung walks back out of the kitchen, smiling mischievously. “You didn’t put up much of a fight, Riki.” He looks at Riki. “I thought ramyeon was bad the night before a test?” He smirks. “Did Jake convince you to change your mind that easily?”
Riki’s cheeks turn red and he grumbles something unintelligible. He gets up from the couch quickly. “I’m going to shower before dinner.” Riki says, glancing at Jake quickly. “You need to finish your review before ramyeon.” He points a finger. “We are going to run through them all again after we eat.”
Jake groans, but Riki doesn’t wait for an actual response—he just leaves the room quickly. Jake frowns. “He gets so weird sometimes.”
Heeseung laughs from where he’s standing, but he doesn’t say anything further. He just walks back in the kitchen, shaking his head. Jake sighs, turning back to the flashcard. He is going to pass this test, if it kills him.
The ramyeon ends up being exactly what Jake needs—he eats three bowls. And predictably, during the last bowl, Riki and Heeseung just stare at him fondly while it eats; he’s no longer bothered when this happens. It’s been happening with his friend group since Jake’s freshman year. Last year, when he and Sunoo went to a seafood boil together, Jake finally caved and asked for an explanation. Sunoo had laughed and said it was because Jake’s aggressive eating was adorable. He considered that, hand still holding up his half-destroyed crab leg, and then he just shrugged. Jake found it cute when Riki enjoyed his ice cream, so perhaps it was like that for his friends.
“Okay, let’s get back to it.” Riki claps his hands after Jake is done eating. Jake sighs, dragging his legs as he moves back over to the couch where his flash cards are.
After going through them twice more, it becomes obvious Jake won’t be able to memorize any more tonight. Their second round was much worse than the first—he missed over half of them, even ones he definitely knew.
“You’re tired.” Riki says, calmly. “Don’t stress yourself out over it.” He says as Jake scans all the flashcards frantically. “What you need right now is sleep, okay?”
Jake rubs his eyes with his fists. Riki chuckles and then wraps an arm around Jake’s shoulder, pulling his face into Riki’s chest. Jake relaxes into the embrace. “Do you want me to call an uber for you?” Riki asks.
Jake shakes his head. “I’ve got it.” He mumbles. “I’m older.”
Riki huffs, stiffening a little. “So? I’m taller.”
Jake swats at Riki’s pec, playfully. “Stop being a gremlin.”
“I’m calling you an uber.” Riki responds. Jake shakes his head aggressively and then lunges when Riki pulls out his phone.
The movement causes Riki to drop his phone on the couch cushion, and Jake crawls after it. But before he can grab it, Riki tickles Jake’s side and Jake starts squirming.
Riki takes advantage of Jake’s state and pulls him back by his hips, trying to move him to the other side of the couch—away from the phone. Jake lets himself get dragged and dropped, but when Riki shifts, trying to move back over to the phone, Jake pulls on Riki’s arm. The position is awkward and the force of the pull causes Riki to fall on top of Jake at weird angle. Still, Jake tries to prevent Riki from getting to the phone by trapping Riki against him, linking his arms and legs around Riki’s long frame.
They spend a few moments struggling with each other, limbs flying in all different directions. At one point, Riki’s elbow is thrust hard into Jake’s side, probably leaving a bruise. Jake also manages to knee Riki in the forehead on accident, so he considers them even. Eventually, Riki ends up shifting to a position where he is hovering over Jake’s entire frame. Riki has always been bigger than Jake, but the physical reminder is somewhat sobering. Riki’s brows are furrowed with determination as he presses Jake’s wrists against the couch with a firm grip.
And then, four things happen in quick succession.
First, Riki’s ears get incredibly pink. Second, Jake’s skin suddenly feels like it’s on fire. Third, Riki scrambles off Jake quickly as if he had been burned by the contact with Jake’s skin. Fourth, Jake feels a pang of regret at the sudden loss.
And the last thing is what utterly terrifies Jake. Because why the hell does he want Riki to keep hovering over him. Sure, they play fight all the time. And they are very tactile. But this moment had felt different. Very different. Jake shakes his head, trying to reorganize his thoughts. By the time he is able to focus again, he sees Riki pocketing his phone.
“Uber driver is 5 minutes away.” Riki says smugly.
Jake rolls his eyes. “Dick.” He mutters. “Help me clean up my stuff.” He points to the table.
To his credit, Riki does help; together, they make quick work of it. Jake is about to put his backpack on when Riki clears his throat. Jake looks up at him, raising an eyebrow. “Do you need a steal a hoodie?” Riki asks, rubbing the back of his neck.
Jake smiles at the reminder. And honestly, he does need a new hoodie. The last one has definitely lost its scent. He nods and runs into Riki’s room to grab one from his closet. Riki is a bit of an organizational freak—not as much as Sunghoon though—so his closet is easy to navigate. A lot easier than Jake’s, if he’s being honest. But Jake doesn’t want a hoodie from the closet—they won’t have any fragrance on them. Instead, Jake goes for the large black hoodie hanging off Riki’s desk chair.
He slides it over his shirt, and relaxes into the familiar scent. But he doesn’t stay like that for long. “Jake,” Riki’s voice calls from the other room. “Uber is almost here.” Jake sighs and heads back out.
As Jake puts on his backpack and heads to the door, Riki says, “Good luck, tomorrow.” He says, with a shy smile. “私の服を着ているときが好きだよ。その姿、あまりに可愛くてたまらないんだ。私にどんな影響を与えているか、わかってる?” He says, while opening the door for Jake.
Jake blinks at him panicked. “I have no idea what you just said.” He glances at the table and then back at Riki. “Was that a flashcard?” He wracks his brain, but none of the phrases sound familiar. All of his flashcards start blurring together.
Sensing he’s spiraling, Riki raises both hands in a calming gesture. “Don’t worry. It wasn’t a flashcard.” He says, reassuringly. “I was just wishing you luck.” He nods at the door. “You don’t want the driver to leave.”
Jake juts his lip out. “Can you say it again in English?”
Riki laughs. “Okay.” He shrugs. “You’re going to do great, don’t overthink it.” He points at the hallway. “Go, get some sleep, Jake.”
Jake frowns. He feels like Riki said more than that. He also feels like he is missing something. Riki’s expression gives nothing away, so Jake just sighs, giving Riki a salute and a half wave. “Thank you, Riki.” He says, quietly, after he’s already turned around. He doesn’t hear a response, but he doesn’t need to. He knows Riki heard him.
Jake considers himself to be a fairly smart guy. He gets good grades and has a decent amount of common sense. He isn’t a genius by any stretch, but he has a fair amount of intelligence.
So, it’s surprising, really, how long it has taken him to figure out his feelings for Riki are not platonic.
But it’s been a week and he can’t ignore the reality…now that he’s figured it out.
He’s sitting in a grass area on campus, waiting for Riki so they can have another tutoring session. After Jake’s first exam, they had decided to increase the number of lessons to three times a week. Jake hadn’t failed the exam, but he only managed to get a 75. It had been upsetting, mostly because Jake had feared Riki would be disappointed with him.
He hadn’t been, but the thought was just one of many clues that Jake’s brain had decided to ignore. Jake sighs, thinking back to last week when he finally woke up to what was happening inside his own head.
Jake and his friends were lounging around Sunghoon and Jake’s living room after finishing a movie. The conversation was idle, all of them too lazy to get up. Heeseung was in the loveseat, laying so his feet were hanging off the chair’s arm. Sunoo and Junwon were both on the floor, each using a pillow for their heads. Jay and Sunghoon were cuddled together on one end of the couch and Riki and Jake were at the other end. At some point during the movie, Riki had adjusted their position so that Jake was laying between Riki’s legs, back pressed up against Riki’s chest.
Jake was looking at his phone like the rest of his friends when heard Sunoo gasp. Jake jumped a little, nearly falling off the couch. But Riki managed to grab him, steadying Jake before he could fall. Jake glared at Sunoo. “Seriously?” He asked.
Sunoo giggled, waving a hand in apology.
“What did you see?” Jungwon asked barely looking up from his phone.
Sunoo clapped excitedly, waving his phone around at the group. Jake could see it was Instagram, but Sunoo was moving too much for him to be able to read the post. “EJ and Nicholas are dating.” Sunoo smiled.
Jake nodded, humming as he turned back to his phone. Jake didn’t know EJ and Nicholas that well—they were closer with Sunoo, Sunghoon, and Jay—but he was happy for them. They seemed like a good match.
Sunghoon, however, seemed to have a different opinion. He wrinkled his nose and said, “I can’t imagine dating my best friend after so many years of being platonic with each other.”
Jay made a pained noise and tried to shift Sunghoon off his lap—Sunghoon shook his head quickly. “Obviously, I am dating my best friend, dork.” He smiled at Jay who had his arms crossed. “But we were only platonic friends for like two months before we started hooking up.”
Jay raised a skeptical eyebrow and Heeseung decided to jump into help Sunghoon remove his foot from his mouth. “It would be like if Sunghoon started dating Jake next week.”
Jake shivered, immediately uncomfortable at the thought. Sunghoon was his best friend, his safe place…but the idea being physically intimate with him, kissing him…it was unappealing.
“Not helpful.” Jungwon rolled his eyes at Heeseung. Jay was pouting now. Sunghoon bit his lip, frowning. Jake was pretty sure Jay wasn’t actually upset—he knew Sunghoon was weak to his sulking. “It would be like if Riki and Jake decided to start dating next week.” Jungwon corrected.
Everyone in the room laughed, even Jay cracked a smile. Though he was pretty sure Sunghoon muttered “that’s an even worse example.” Still, he didn’t press Sunghoon for why he thought that because Jake was too busy imagining the possibility.
Unlike the idea of Jake and Sunghoon together, the idea of being with Riki was…not unappealing. The idea of kissing Riki didn’t send a wave of discomfort rolling through Jake’s stomach…in fact, it stirred something else entirely.
When he thought about what it would be like to kiss Riki, he imagined Riki’s soft lips. His strong hands. It probably would feel different than kissing Chaewon. The two of them never really dated but there was a period last year where they would hook up every time they ended up at the same party. She was with Matthew now though, so they hadn’t hooked up in a while. Jake hadn’t hooked up with anyone in a while actually.
His mind flickered back to the idea of kissing Riki. He could see them starting off playful, only exchanging quick pecks. Then at some point, Riki would probably deepen the kiss. Riki would probably try to dominate Jake. And Jake would probably let him. He could see Riki being the type to bite at Jake’s tongue. Images of their couch fight resurfaced in Jake’s mind—except this time the two of them were making out as Riki held Jake’s wrists down. Jake felt a shiver of desire, and then his brain finally caught up to him.
He was fantasizing about kissing Riki. Riki was a guy. His best friend. And instead of being grossed out, Jake was picturing Riki leaving a trail of love bit e s across the column of Jake’s throat.
Jake shook his head, trying to keep the panic at bay until everyone left. He was only mildly successful. Riki clearly noticed something was up as he started massaging Jake’s scalp. Normally the action would be instantly relaxing, but tonight it only increased his panic.
Luckily, after another hour, his friends decided to call it. Jake had felt a pang of guilt when he rejected Riki’s suggestion of a sleepover. Both Heeseung and Sunghoon looked at Jake oddly when he said he wanted to sleep alone tonight, which made Jake feel like an even bigger asshole. But he needed to be alone. He needed to process. He needed his computer.
His first search was: How do you know if you have feelings for your best friend? He scanned a article while trying to process the thoughts whirring in his mind.
Jake blinked at the list. He and Riki never really talked about Riki’s dating life. He honestly didn’t even know Riki’s sexuality. Which—upon further consideration—was a bit weird. He knew about Heeseung’s hook ups. He helped Jay and Sunghoon get their heads out of their asses. He brought over mint chocolate chip ice cream to Sunoo every time he went through a break up. He let Jungwon take him boxing (and beat the shit out of Jake) after Taehyun switched colleges.
But Riki and Jake don’t talk about romantic relationships at all. They talk about literally everything else.
He didn’t linger on the significant amount of time or the social media one, but he did pause on the comparison one. He just compared Riki to Chaewon. He just thought about how different Riki’s kisses would be from Chaewon’s. Jake shook his head and moved to the last one.
He wasn’t concerned about his appearance around Riki. They once bet who could go the longest without showering and things got a bit gross toward the end of that week. Actually, the only reason Jake lost was because Sunghoon refused to let him sit on any of the shared apartment furniture until he showered.
Still, based on the list, it seemed like he could have feelings for Riki. He hadn’t really considered he could develop a crush on a guy. His past hookups had all been girls. And it wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy hooking up with them…
Maybe he was going about this the wrong way. He typed in another search for: What is bisexuality?
After many articles (and several BuzzFeed quizzes), Jake was hit by a few realizations: (1) he was attracted to people, not genders; (2) there was a significant amount of fanfiction involving his two favorite soccer players; and (3) he had romantic feelings for Riki.
And that last one seemed like it could be a problem.
“Dude?” Riki says, suddenly standing in front of him. Jake blinks, looking around the field while trying to regain his bearings. He has been thinking about that night for a week and he still has no idea what to with his newfound realization. He isn’t sure there is anything he can do.
“You’ve been quiet all week.” Riki points out, setting his bag on the grass. “You okay?”
“Have you ever dated anyone?” Jake asks as Riki plops down next to Jake on the picnic blanket, completely ignoring Riki’s prior question.
“Like I just realized we never talk about that stuff.” Jake keeps going. “I don’t even know if you date men or women.”
Riki keeps blinking at him.
“I know Heeseung gave Yeonjun blowjob when he was drunk and ended up puking all over Yeonjun’s designer skirt.” Jake says, somehow uncapable of shutting up. “I literally can hear Sunghoon and Jay have sex on a weekly basis.” Jake shudders. “Even Sunoo has shared some stories about his dates.”
Riki finally stops blinking.
Jake lets out a deep breath, trying to stop himself from continuing. Riki takes pity on him and says, “I, uh, have had some one night stands here and there.” He shrugs. “Nothing serious though.”
Jake stares at him, somewhat unsettled by the answer. He supposes he had kind of been hoping Riki hadn’t shared anything about his romantic life because he didn’t have one. “Guys?” Jake asks, aiming for nonchalance. “Girls?”
“Both.” Riki shrugs. “Doesn’t matter to me.”
Jake nods. He takes another deep breath and then quietly says, “yeah, same.”
Riki’s eyes widen at that. “I assumed you were straight.”
“So had I.” Jake laughs. “It’s a newer realization.”
Riki nods, reaching his hand out for Jake’s. Jake grabs it and Riki gives Jake’s palm a squeeze. “Thanks for trusting me with it.” Jake nods, not saying anything further. “I’ll admit I was caught off guard by the questions, but it makes sense now.” He looks at Jake seriously. “It’s okay you know?”
Jake nods. “Don’t worry. I’m not having a big sexuality freak out.” He laughs. “Jay’s was big enough for the whole friend group.” Riki snickers.
“You still good for tutoring today?” Riki asks, pointing at the textbook next to Jake. “Or do you want to go play soccer?”
Jake would much prefer playing soccer and they both know it, but he needs to pass this class so instead, he says, “let’s do tutoring for an hour and then maybe we can play?”
Riki nods, reaching for Jake’s homework assignment. Jake groans but hands it over. After an hour of Jake struggling, they finally reach a good stopping point. So they pack up their stuff and head over to the empty practice fields.
The physical activity helps get Jake out of his own head. They play until the sun sets and the mosquitos start biting. They are both covered in sweat and dirt, but finally, for the first time in a week, Jake feels at ease.
“You want to sleep over tonight?” Jake asks. “You can borrow some of my clothes.”
Riki smiles but shakes his head. “Promised Heeseung I would game with him tonight.” Jake pouts, and Riki just smiles wider. “Don’t sulk.” He chides. “How about you stay over tomorrow night?”
Jake nods, hugging his arms across his chest. “Okay.”
Riki sighs and then says, “私はあなたに私の恋愛関係について話さないのは、それが重要でないからです。あなただけが重要です。愛は私があなたに対する愛情を表現するのに強い言葉ではありません。”
Jake blinks at him. “If you think I understood any of that, you are seriously overestimating my skills.”
Riki laughs at that and shakes his head. “Don’t worry.” He waves his hand dismissively. “Let’s do a sleepover tomorrow. You can pick the movie for once.”
Jake smiles at that. “Okay.” He nods. “Thanks, Riki.” He looks at the ground. “For everything today.”
Riki nods once and then turns back in the direction of his apartment. Jake might not be freaking out about his sexuality like Jay had. But he is definitely freaking out about his feelings for Riki. Because it seems like they only appear to be getting stronger with each passing day.
Much to everyone’s surprise, Jake passes his midterm. It’s a 78, but still, he passed. To celebrate his test score, he and Riki had gone to a baseball game today in the city. Since it’s spring, the season is just starting up again, so the games are low stakes and the tickets are cheap. Riki had insisted on paying for their tickets, and Jake had let him. Though Jake paid for their snacks and train tickets—he couldn’t let the younger pay for too much, even if it was Riki’s gift for Jake passing his exam.
Besides, Jake is the one who owes Riki, not the other way around.
Now they are back in Riki’s apartment, laying on the couch as they scroll through their phones. Jake’s back is resting against Riki’s chest as Riki idly brushes his free hand through Jake’s hair. It’s not an uncommon position for them, but Jake never realized how intimate it is. He’s actually had a lot of those realizations recently. He wonders if Riki has noticed how touchy they are. He also wonders if Riki would stop if Jake told him. And Jake supposes that’s why he hasn’t.
It's been a few weeks since he realized that he has romantic feelings for Riki. And while suddenly a lot of things make sense to Jake; he isn’t really sure what he is supposed to do with the information. He could tell Riki about his feelings, of course, but the idea doesn’t sit well with Jake; it’s too risky. If Riki doesn’t feel the same, then their friendship could get awkward and Jake wouldn’t be able to handle that. He can’t afford to lose Riki.
He could try talking to one of their other friends about it, but then he would essentially be asking them to keep secrets from Riki…which feels unfair. Besides, Riki would feel hurt if he found out everyone else knew something about Jake that Jake refused to talk about with Riki.
He could try getting over the feelings—that’s actually what he has been trying to do. He just hasn’t had much success. He wants to believe this is just a passing crush, but his feelings haven’t dissipated at all. If anything, they’ve grown stronger. It would be easier, he thinks, if he and Riki didn’t spend so much time together. It’s hard to get over someone when they walk all the way across campus to bring you an iced vanilla latte because they know you pulled all-nighter.
“I’m so glad you’re an engineering major.” Riki says off-handedly.
“Why?” Jake asks, confused.
“Check the group chat.” Riki mumbles.
Jake opens the messaging app on his phone and clicks the group chat. There are a lot of new messages; he wonders how long he zoned out for.
Heeseung : I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room.
Sunoo : I didn’t steal Jay’s ice cream. He is a liar.
Heeseung : Not that elephant. Though you definitely did. Jungwon snitched on you.
Heeseung : The graduation elephant.
Sunoo : Ooo I hate that elephant.
Jay : I mean the semester is halfway over…
Jay : And three of us are graduating.
Sunghoon : But it’s not like we are leaving. Jay’s going to be on campus in the fall for his MBA. Heeseung’s company is in the city, which is like a 45-minute train ride. And I…am still figuring my shit out.
Heeseung : But I’m probably going to move into an apartment in the city. And you and Jay want to move in together, right?
Sunghoon : If Jake’s okay with it.
Riki : Jake can just take Heeseung’s room.
Heeseung : Okay…like I said, there is stuff we need to figure out. Ignoring the reality isn’t going to make it not happen.
Sunoo : You’re right. We are just going to miss you guys so much 
Sunoo : But we should have a dinner next week to talk through the details. And plan a graduation trip!
Jungwon : Ooo yes! Let’s plan a trip
Jay : What about next Tuesday?
Heeseung : I can do Tuesday
Riki : Tuesday works for me. Jake is spacing out right now, so I’ll tell him to look at his phone.
Jake winces when he reads Riki’s solution to Heeseung moving out, but he keeps going until he gets to the end. Then he sends a couple of quick responses.
Jake : Sunghoon, you don’t have to worry about me so much. Your boyfriend is desperate to live with you. I promise I’m fine.
Jake : Also Tuesday is good!
Riki snorts when he sees Jake’s messages. “I was going to ask you to move into Heeseung’s room anyway.” Riki says dismissively.
Jake gulps. Moving in with someone he has a crush on seems like a terrible idea. Beyond terrible actually. He doesn’t think he could handle Riki bringing someone home to their apartment, which is surprising in it of itself. He isn’t the possessive type. But the idea of Riki being with someone else and Jake having to witness it…nope. He definitely wouldn’t be able to put up with that.
“I still need to figure it out.” Jake shrugs. “Do you want to help me study?” Jake says, abruptly changing the topic.
Riki raises an eyebrow. “Why are you being cagey?”
“I’m not.” Jake shakes his head. He is though. They both know it.
Riki rolls his eyes. “Whatever.” Then, he narrows his gaze. “Do you not want to live together?”
Jake sighs, frustrated that he has to talk about this now before he’s formulated a good excuse. “I don’t know.” Jake admits.
Riki’s mouth falls open, clearly not expecting Jake’s answer. Jake wants to take his words back—swallow them down so he can’t hurt Riki with his admission—but he knows he needs to get them out. “I just, I’m going through some things right now.” He shrugs. “I think I might want my own place.” He lies. “I want to prove to myself that I can live on my own.”
Riki stares at him with wide eyes, but the surprise quickly morphs into hurt. “You hate being by yourself.” He points his finger at Jake, accusingly. “You come over here whenever Sunghoon leaves the apartment.”
Jake shrugs again. “I know.” He picks at his nailbeds. “That’s why I need to live by myself.” Jake says, quietly. “It will be like a test.”
Riki doesn’t say anything at first, he just stares intensely at Jake. Jake fidgets under the taller’s gaze. Then, Riki shakes his head. “You’re lying.” His voice is thick; eyes are a bit watery. And Jake doesn’t think he can take this conversation any longer.
“I’m tired.” Jake sighs. He tries to get up from where he’s resting but Riki puts a hand on his chest, forcing him back down.
“Don’t just leave.” Riki pleads. “Talk to me.”
Jake lets out an annoyed huff. “Stop pushing it right now.” Jake bites out. “I don’t want to talk about it clearly, so just drop it, okay?”
Riki removes his hand from Jake’s chest like Jake burned it. And Jake feels like a massive dick. Still, he knows he’s not ready to talk about it, so he can’t bring himself to apologize.
“I need to study. I can leave?” Jake says, hesitantly.
“Don’t you need help with your Japanese homework?” Riki asks, voice completely even.
“I don’t want to make you help me when you’re upset with me.” Jake says in a quiet voice.
Riki rolls his eyes. “I’m not upset with you…I’m confused.” He pouts. “But you’re right. I shouldn’t have pushed you to talk about something when you don’t want to.”
Jake winces and then nods. He sits up and reaches for his backpack on the floor. He’s not sure he deserves to be let off the hook so easily, but he’s grateful for Riki nonetheless.
“あなたに対して腹を立てることができないんだ。あなたはその力を悪用することができるけど、決してしない。あなたがどれだけ私にとって大切な存在か、告白したい気持ちでいっぱいなのに、私は臆病者だから。” Riki says in a rush.
“At least let me get my textbook out before you start quizzing me.” Jake huffs. “I never know what you’re saying to me.”
Riki shoots Jake a sad smile that Jake misses because he is too busy pulling out his homework folder. Then he says, “Nothing important.”
On the night before Jake’s final, he is an absolute wreck. Somehow, he has forgotten every single thing he has learned over the course of the semester. He’s staring at his flashcards with no recognition. Even Riki seems concerned as he tries to get Jake to say something in Japanese.
“Fuck.” Jake moans. “I’m going to fail.”
“You’re just stressed.” Riki says, gently. “You know this stuff.” He points to the flashcards in front of them. “I know you do.”
Jake shakes his head. “It’s gone.” He sighs. “I can’t remember any of it.”
Riki bites his lip. “Let’s go get ice cream.” He says, clapping his hands together.
“Right now?” Jake asks, voice laced with panic. “I can’t leave. I need to cram an entire semester’s worth of Japanese back into my brain before tomorrow morning.”
Riki shakes his head. “No, you need to leave all of this,” Riki gestures to the flashcards and notes strewed across the kitchen table, “and take a break to clear your mind.”
Jake stares at the mess in front of him, unsure.
“We can be quick.” Riki nods toward the door. “We’ll just go to the convenience store.”
Jake sighs, slumping his shoulders before he says, “fine.”
Riki lends Jake one of his hoodies, which does help Jake feel a little better. Since it’s May, the weather isn’t really cold, but Jake appreciates the hoodie anyway.
The walk to the convenience store starts off silent. But after a few moments, Riki says, “Jungwon says you signed a lease.”
Jake winces, but then he nods. He did sign a lease. Even though all of his friends have advised against it. After weeks of trying to come up with a better excuse for why he couldn’t move in with Riki, Jake found nothing. So, he is sticking with his original excuse—he wants to try living alone. It’s a terrible plan. And everyone knows it. But he refuses to cave. He can’t tell anyone about his feelings, so he is stuck in this lie.
“Did you guys find a three-bedroom yet?” Jake asks.
Riki shakes his head. “We are being picky.” Riki says, evasively.
“When is your lease up again?” He asks, but he knows the answer.
“July.” Riki shrugs. “We’ve got some time still.”
Jake nods, his attention shifting to Riki’s hand. Or rather the distance between Riki’s hand and Jake’s hand. It would be so easy for Jake to grab Riki’s hand; he actually has to resist the urge. He wonders if Riki realizes how close they are walking right now. Jake would point it out, but he’s afraid Riki will move way. So instead, he says, “thank you.”
Riki raises an eyebrow, so Jake keeps going. “I know you don’t get it…me…my decision.” He gestures to the sidewalk in front of them. “But you haven’t pushed since…well, just, thank you.”
Riki bites his lip and then lets out a rough breath. “You asked me not to.” He shrugs.
Jake nods, embarrassed that he can feel tears welling behind his eyes. It’s probably stress. “I know. And I appreciate it.” His voice suddenly feels hoarse. “You…I…” Jake doesn’t finish the thought. He doesn’t really know what he’s trying to say or why he’s suddenly so emotional.
Riki stares at him for a couple of seconds and then just opens his arms wide. Jake doesn’t hesitate. He buries himself in the embrace, crying into Riki’s shoulder. It’s reminiscent of that day under the tree; their positions are reversed now. Riki is giving Jake the comfort that he desperately needs even if Riki doesn’t understand why he needs it.
“愛していることについて私に感謝しないでください。”
Jake lifts his head from Riki’s chest immediately. “Love!” He says, excitedly. “You said something about love just now.” He points at Riki, who has gone still. “My Japanese!” He starts jumping up and down. “My brain freeze is gone.” He points back to the apartment. “Quick, let’s go back and look at the flashcards before I lose it again.”
Riki blinks at him and then gestures for Jake to lead the way. And Jake does, too preoccupied with the relief of understanding a Japanese word to realize that Riki had something about love.
The realization doesn’t hit until the end of his final exam.
He gets to the last question, and it is a throwback to their first homework assignment. For extra credit, they have to pick their favorite symbol and explain why in Japanese. Of course, it’s the same four symbols from the beginning of the semester.
As Jake stares at the symbol, 愛. He realizes a few things. First, he knows what the symbol means now. Love . Second, Riki had picked this symbol during their first tutoring session. Third, it was the same word that unfroze his mind last night. And fourth, Riki said something about love last night and he has no recollection of what the rest of the sentence was.
Jake takes a deep breath; he just needs to finish this question and then he can properly freak out.
His hand shakes a bit, but he manages to write:
Jake nearly sprints up to the proctor with his completed final and then rushes out the door as soon as he hands it in. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, fumbling to turn it on. A couple of texts come in, but he doesn’t bother to read them. Instead, he hits the call log on his phone and clicks on Riki’s name.
“You done with your exam?” Riki asks. It sounds like he’s out. There are people talking in the background.
“Where are you?” Jake demands.
“I went to grab a drink with Heeseung.” Riki says, and Jake can hear his smile. “I told you my ID is fine.”
“Your fake ID is horrific. College bars just don’t care.” Jake shakes his head, refusing to get distracted. “Go back to your apartment.”
“Now?” Riki asks, sounding confused.
“Yes. Right now.” Jake says. “I am going to head there now.”
“Okay…” Riki trails off. “I’ll tell Heeseung we are leaving I guess?” He says it like a question.
“Tell Heeseung to stay.” Jake shakes his head again. His heart feels like it is pounding at a dangerous speed. “Just you. I need to talk to you.”
“Okay…” Riki trails off. “That’s not ominous at all…”
Jake doesn’t bother to respond; he just hangs up. On the whole walk to Riki and Heeseung’s apartment, Jake tries to work out what he wants to say. Riki had said something about love last night. And it was when Jake was crying into his arms. That has to mean something.
And he had picked love during their first tutoring session.
And he refuses to translate some of the things he says to Jake.
When he knocks on the door, Riki opens it immediately. “Is everything okay?” Riki asks, sounding genuinely concerned. “You sounded a bit manic.”
“Why did you pick love during our first tutoring session?” Jake says, not wasting any more time.
Riki gapes. “Huh?” He asks.
“You picked love.” Jake points a finger at him. “The same question was on my final today. Except this time, I knew what the word meant.” Jake says. “It’s the same word you said last night.”
“Nishimura Riki…Please do not tell me you have been confessing to me in Japanese this whole semester.” Jake accuses.
Riki takes a step back, face pale.
Jake’s mind is racing to catch up with the situation. “After all these weeks…I have been stressing over how to tell you about my feelings.” Jake says, but its more to himself at this point. “And this whole time you’ve been confessing to me in fucking Japanese.”
Riki splutters. “Your feelings?”
Jake groans. “Yes, my feelings.” Jake points at himself. “My big stupid feelings that I tried to hide.” Jake winces. “So much so that I even lied about why I didn’t want to live with you.”
Riki’s eyes widen. “That’s why?”
Jake nods. “I didn’t think I could handle you bringing people home.”
Riki shakes his head. “I wouldn’t have brought anyone home. Not if you were there.”
Jake frowns. “Well, how was I supposed to know that? You weren’t confessing to me in English.”
“Neither were you.” Riki says. And he has a point, Jake’s brain supplies. He can’t really be mad at Riki when he hasn’t said anything either. “You said you’ve been struggling for weeks?” Riki asks. “I’ve been struggling for years.”
Now, it’s Jake’s turn to gape.
Riki continues. “Jake, I’m so in love with you, it isn’t even funny.” He shakes his head. “The reason I never tell you about my romantic life is there is nothing to tell.” He shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. Because the only person I’ve ever truly wanted is you.”
Jake’s cheeks darken. “Oh.” He looks down at the ground, shy all of a sudden.
“You wanted to hear it in English.” Riki says, softer. “There it is.”
Jake looks up at Riki, hesitantly.
Both of their feelings are out there. And there is definitely more to say. More to hash out, but the tension that has been bubbling between them for weeks—years, his mind supplies—has bubbled over, and Jake is hit with an overwhelming urge to close the distance between the two of them.
Jake isn’t exactly sure who moves first or if they both do, but all of a sudden, they are crashing toward each other. Jake grabs the back of Riki’s head and pushes their mouths toward each other. Riki leans in at the same time, and the results is…a bit of a mess actually. Their teeth clash against each other hard, and Jake jerks back in pain, biting his lip as he does so. “Fuck,” Jake curses. “That hurt.”
Riki chuckles and then rubs his finger along Jake’s bottom lip; Jake shivers at the touch. Then, Riki moves his hands to Jake’s waist pushing him backwards until Jake’s back is pressed up against the door. Riki’s eyes are dark and Jake resists the urge to whimper. Ever since their couch fight, Jake has fantasized about Riki dominating him too many times to count. Riki cups Jake’s face, pressing their lips together gently.
The kiss is much better this time. Riki’s lips are soft as they press against Jake’s own. Jake matches Riki’s speed, returning his kisses with gentle pressure. Neither moves to deepen their kisses at first, seemingly content with the light touches and soft presses of lips.
But then Riki moves his hands to Jake’s sides, sliding them underneath Jake’s hoodie—Riki’s hoodie actually—so he can rub at Jake’s skin there. Jake lets out a breathy moan. Seemingly encouraged by the sound, Riki starts pressing his lips against Jake’s more firmly.
Jake sighs at the pressure and then parts his lips, giving Riki access. Riki strokes Jake’s tongue with his own tentatively, and Jake groans. He eagerly pushes his tongue back against Riki’s, trying to encourage more contact. Riki gets the hint and starts thrusting his tongue inside Jake’s mouth more aggressively.
Riki pulls back, spit still connecting their mouths, and lets out a shaky breath. “Uh, should we talk more about this?” He points to himself and Jake.
Jake nods. “We need to…” Jake says, wrapping his arms around Riki’s neck, bringing their bodies closer. “And we will.” Jake pats Riki’s cheek. “I love you.” Jake admits. Then, he leans forward, giving Riki a quick kiss before pulling back again. “And you love me?” Jake asks. Riki nods quickly. “Can we just make out for a little while before we talk?” He gestures between them. “Cause I don’t think I can focus on anything else besides my desire to touch you right now.”
Riki lets out a startled laugh, but then he’s leaning back in, and Jake is suddenly extremely grateful that he is so terrible at Japanese.
