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It was sickening; it was foul. Disgusting. Awful. Horrible. Disgraceful. Shameful. Illogical.
Shockwave could characterize it more and more as witnessing them interact. All thanks to Megatron, their powerful leader, and Soundwave, his most devoted follower. As for who was named the Third in Command, Communication Officer, and Decepticon's Most Loyalist alongside Shockwave. It was also because Shockwave found it frustrating and bothersome. He could go on and on and on without stopping. It never stopped from there, and it wasn't due to jealousy. At least that was his belief.
The Decepticon's most intelligent and mad scientist has never encountered anything within himself. He never understood or recognized his own emotions since he had no concern about them. Any indications of feelings or hesitation on his part would be viewed as a hindrance, mostly affecting his calculations and other logical scientific endeavors. Aside from those and his commitment to the cause, nothing else matters to the scientist. Not even engaging with others in an unprofessional manner or even having a connection with a significant other. That's when Shockwave made a mistake.
Everything began at the start of the war. Shockwave was only a nobody. As in, nobody would ever glance at him because he, too, never looked up to them. He directly did not care about anyone else's presence unless they were used to his benefit. The question is, what did he actually care for other than logic, experiments, and analysis? Nothing else?
Did he truly feel nothing when he met Soundwave for the first time? Was he captivated by the blue mech with his cassette companions? Has he ever waited for him to come back to discuss their ambitions and interests again? Question after question in his own processor that couldn’t be answered by himself. Most importantly, did he feel anything when he caught their leader courting with the other mech during his own duties? Was it true that he was only disgusted by their act? No one knew, but others would say he was.
Every silent gesture, every interaction, and every courting between Soundwave and Megatron that they do was absolutely sickening. It broke him.
You have heard it. It broke Shockwave. A mech's spark, which is primarily intelligent, unfeeling, and violent, could potentially be broken.
How? How did the sight of them hurt him? Shockwave shouldn’t have experienced any emotions beyond his rationality. How? Suddenly, that simple question turned into “why.”
Why was he feeling this way? Why was he so devastated to see them together? Why should he give them any thought? Why has he grown such a strong interest since they first met? Why is it very difficult to deny everything? Why him, of all individuals in the universe? Why Soundwave? Why was Shockwave so interested in and concerned about him? It was completely illogical and he should have ignored this error.
Shockwave sought to ignore everything. He had done this over and over and over again by diverting his attention or by engaging in any activity other than observing them.
It became increasingly problematic when Soundwave continued to pay attention to their leader despite the fact that that mech had betrayed and abandoned his faction. For what purpose? Obviously, for the “greater good” and on behalf of the autobots. That was more specifically for the humans’ side. Even though Shockwave was well aware that Soundwave's sentiments for Megatron had shifted to hatred, he was still agitated. Megatron destroyed his most devoted follower's spark, which was completely unacceptable.
Shockwave was once again experiencing denial. As unexpected as it was, he couldn't ignore it this time. The jealousy he silently experienced had already thickened within, and he needed immediate answers to all of his questions. He needed explanations for all of the answers. Above all, he needed Soundwave’s answers. Shockwave desperately needed it the most.
At that point in time, he saw Soundwave alone, his back against the wall, arms crossed. Shockwave himself couldn't interpret his expression well. However, it seemed that he was in mute frustration and didn't want to be bothered. Shockwave still approached him. The other mech didn’t even turn to him.
“Soundwave, I have a request to discuss something with you.”
“Request: rejected.” Soundwave continued to look away from him. Shockwave refused to give up so easily.
“This is urgent, Soundwave,” he attempted again. “I need to understand what I’m currently experienci—”
“Request to listen: rejected.” Soundwave intercepted him with an irritated grumble this time. Shockwave was completely stunned.
“It’s about Megatron… Isn’t it?”
No response.
“Tell me, Soundwave. Are you still thinking about him?”
No response. Shockwave stepped a little closer.
“Soundwave. I am speaking to you as of now.” His own voice was firm and agitated enough that Soundwave should have picked it. “You already knew that Megatron was no more to us than a traitor. Our enemy, that is. You should not have thought of him at this moment.”
Soundwave instantly pushed him back almost violently with a louder grumble.
“Shockwave: does not understand. You do not see!”
The scientist's finials lie back straight. He clenched his only servo into a fist. There, he regained his position after the other mech shoved him before.
“I do not see? Explain it, Soundwave. What am I really supposed to see this whole time?” He demanded.
As expected, Soundwave simply ignored him and began stomping away. On the other hand, Shockwave refused to let the question go unanswered. Shockwave surged towards Soundwave before he could flee, his patience thinning and his sense of desperation mounting. It caused Soundwave to be backed against the wall, with Shockwave pinning him tight.
He snapped at Soundwave. “You mentioned that I never see how your relationship with our former leader works out, don't you? You're entirely incorrect about that. I have seen and observed all along. But you didn't see me, Soundwave! You simply gaze at Megatron mindlessly, not even giving me an opportunity to look at myself! Do you know how much it hurt me?”
Soundwave’s own visor widened in confusion by that last exclamation. The blue mech never knew, let alone noticing unusual habits from the scientist back in those days.
“Shockwave…” he called without realizing.
“Why won’t you ever look at me?!” Shockwave’s voice burst out, and his gun arm almost struck him. His optic shone with an almost red hue. “Do you even understand how it feels for me… to experience jealousy? To disregard all that nonsense and foolish feelings? I've spent my entire life trying to ignore you and avoid seeing you with that traitor! Yet you, Soundwave... You keep mentioning that mech in my presence, and I do not understand! I do not understand it at all!”
This was neither a confession nor a confrontation. Shockwave still wanted to explain, question, or even force Soundwave to answer. Anything really for this to settle in between them.
After the short amount of heavy silence, Soundwave finally spoke in a weakened voice. “Soundwave… apologies.” His remark made Shockwave to take a step back, easing him for now. Soundwave kept his helm lowered, but he did want to meet his gaze. “I was completely unaware of your troubles, Shockwave… Because you were always the one who showed no emotion to others, to me… I thought my presence was merely a disturbance to your ambitions. As a result, I never wanted to see or interact with you unless it was for the sake of our cause. Despite that… I still respect you as my colleague, Shockwave.”
Shockwave's gaze upon him had softened. He knew that Soundwave's words were not wrong. He came to the conclusion that perhaps he was the problem. For failing to bring up his own issues with Soundwave in the first place. Then again, his former self could never with the mindset he has. That was why he now had to make it right for him. His own servo reached to hold Soundwave’s.
“Perhaps I should apologize for my harsh behavior. You've proven your own point, Soundwave. And I understand you are still hurt.” He felt Soundwave squeeze his hand in their grip. “But, despite all the work you put into your relationship with ‘him.’ You do not deserve that, Soundwave. Nor does he deserve someone as devoted as you.”
The other mech lifted his own helm to meet Shockwave. “I’m grateful, Shockwave.”
Right away after he said that, Shockwave released his grip. His servo cupped Soundwave’s face. Even if he’s currently wearing his signature visor, Shockwave knew he was calm and comfortable with him. Most of all, he reciprocated. It was as if all of his previous questions were answered in their own ways.
“No. Thank you.” He spoke so softly to him. “Shall we start this new… journey together?”
Soundwave giggled hiddenly as he leaned to Shockwave’s hand on his face. “Affirmative.”