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“Are you okay?”
When it came to being asked that question, lately, you honestly didn’t know how to respond. Of course, you knew what to say: “I’m fine!”
Your self esteem, on the other hand, told an entirely different story.
You just couldn’t bring yourself to look in the mirror lately. No matter which way you looked at it, you couldn’t consider yourself beautiful. In your eyes, there were so many imperfections on your face, your body, everywhere.
To make matters worse, you had been losing sleep over it too. You had lost a lot of your previous cheerful spirit, as your eyelids began to sag.
Soon, your insecurities about your appearance were beginning to affect other parts of your life too. You couldn’t focus in class or in social activities anymore, because you felt like you weren’t good enough in anything.
Now, you were even beginning to feel like you weren’t good enough in your own relationship too. Kuroo was so cool, so intelligent, so confident… and you were just an awkward, scrawny introvert.
Basically, this was the exact opposite of him.
“Kuroo deserves way better than me…”
This was the thought that was running on repeat in your mind, as you slumped down on the couch in yours and his shared apartment. Your face was buried in your hands, as an even darker than usual cloud hung over your head today.
Kuroo didn’t know about any of this yet. He was always so upbeat and lively, and you didn’t want to put a damper on that with your trivial troubles.
This wasn’t all that possible for you at the moment, though. The concerns about you and your usefulness to Kuroo only got worse. Since this could affect your relationship, maybe now was finally the time to come clean to him.
“He’s always so carefree… He’ll know what to do, and maybe I won’t have to worry anymore…”
You were still anxious about telling him as you waited for him to come home from volleyball practice, but at the same time, you were confident that he could lighten your mood.
As a result, your eyes remained fixed on that door in a desperate anticipation. You didn’t even turn on the TV or browse through your phone to kill time until he came back like you usually did.
You needed Kuroo. In fact, today was probably the day you needed him the most.
When the door finally did swing open, your expression brightened a little. You were still shaking from the anxiety, but you were relieved that he was here at last.
“Baby, you’re home!” You jumped up to greet him.
Kuroo, on the other hand, didn’t seem nearly as enthusiastic. He wore his towel around the back of his neck, dripping sweat with an exhausted expression on his face.
This made sense for him. He didn’t like to show it to others, but you knew that he could get really wiped out when practices got intense.
Still, you knew that this was urgent, so you hoped to get his attention nonetheless.
“Practice was rough today, huh?”
“Hm, yeah. Definitely.” He nodded in agreement, but still didn’t make eye contact with you.
“How are the others?” Kuroo loved to crack jokes about his teammates, so you thought that this might snap him out of it.
“They’re alright. Annoying and chaotic as ever.” He still completely ignored you and brushed you off, and began to trudge off to the room that you two slept together in.
Your heart was beating fast under the weight of your feelings, so as much as you wanted to let him rest, you needed to talk to him. Therefore, you ran after him to make him talk to you.
“Hey, is something wrong?” You said this in a caring and concerned voice. He did seem really, really tired, but he usually wasn’t this low on energy. Despite everything you were going through, you also wanted to be there to listen to him if something was wrong.
What Kuroo said next, however, was something that made your face drop.
“Nothing’s wrong! I don’t need to be interrogated right now, love. Just leave me alone, ugh.”
Now, this sounded much more like he was annoyed with you rather than just being tired. You hadn’t meant to ‘interrogate’ him, you just wanted to know about his day.
He never reacted this badly before. Something was definitely on his mind, and you had the feeling that it had more to do with you than with volleyball.
“I’m really sorry… It’s just, I needed to talk with you about something.” You squeaked out in a lower tone, now becoming increasingly afraid of what his reaction would be.
“Fine, but make it quick, I have other things to do… Come to think of it, what is the matter with you today?”
Unlike you, his tone wasn’t filled with nearly as much care. It was like talking to you was a chore that he had no choice but to complete.
Taking a deep breath, you attempted to pour out your heart into words.
“It’s just that I don’t feel good enough… I don’t feel pretty enough, my personality isn’t good enough… And now I feel like I’m not good enough for you.” By the time you finished, your breath was shaky and uneven.
You still had some slight hope that this would make him soften up, but unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the case.
“What’s with all this sappy stuff? Jeez, you’re acting crazy! You used to not give a shit…” He was massaging his forehead in a way that was intentional, making it clear to you that you were the one giving him that headache.
“No… That’s because I was just hiding it from you…”
“Well, what do you expect me to do about it?”
His tone was becoming harsher and harsher, while yours became softer and softer. This sudden change was literally taking your breath away, and not in a good way.
“Um… you are my boyfriend…” You looked up at him with eyes gone wide with fear, shame, and embarrassment.
This gaze only exacerbated Kuroo’s annoyance. He rolled his eyes, and moved his lips silently in a way that was mocking the way you spoke.
“Yeah, I’m your boyfriend, not your goddamn therapist.”
This was the final nail in your heart, shattering it into pieces. The carefree, lighthearted Kuroo that you had fallen in love with just wasn’t that same person anymore. As you realised this, tears began to sting at the corners of your eyes.
“I know, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. At least answer the question, please… Am I good enough for you, Kuroo? I’m so sorry…”
At this point, your voice was barely audible. You hardly knew what to say. Everything that you thought you knew about Kuroo was changing so quickly.
He had begun to turn around and go to the bedroom anyway, but at these words, he stopped in his tracks. He stood there like that for a few seconds, and you saw his hands clench into fists. The rising and falling in his chest became more ragged, as his breaths filled with negative emotions.
Every second that he was still made the dread inside you grow, but the face that you saw when he turned back around to face you suddenly and swiftly frightened you even more.
“I get home after a long day, and all you can do is cling to me like a fucking abandoned puppy. And instead of just letting me go like a sane person, all you say is ‘I’m sorry!’ It’s so goddamn corny and annoying… But you know what? I agree with what you said earlier. Maybe you really are not good enough for me.”
His fists balled tighter, as he screamed these words at the top of his lungs through clenched teeth.
This new piercing volume sent the entire atmosphere around you two into utter silence. You couldn’t believe that this was real. It had to be a terrible nightmare, one that would end, and let you wake up to Kuroo cuddling beside you in the bed.
Yet, this wasn’t a nightmare. This was the reality of what Kuroo truly felt about you.
If your heart was shattered before, this made the pieces break even smaller and drop to the ground. As for your heartbeat, it felt as if it had stopped in your chest. Heck, time itself seemed to slow around you.
It was one thing to believe the worst about yourself, but having the one who’s supposed to love you the most say that those beliefs were correct all along made it feel like the world itself beneath you was giving out.
Your body wasn’t just trembling now, it was full on shaking. Your knees swayed back and forth, making you feel like a jelly that threatened to give way and drop to the floor any second now.
Your eyes that were now stuck open as wide as they could go couldn’t hold it back anymore, and silent tears rushed down your face. The shock was so intense that you couldn’t even make any noise with the crying. With all these tears, your throat began to burn.
“I have to say something, anything to make it better… It’s all my fault, I should fix this…”
You could hardly form thoughts like these, much less put them into words. Meanwhile, Kuroo kept his eyes fixated on you in pure disgust. He had a look on his face that made it seem like the fact that you were still in front of him was something that he absolutely loathed.
Whatever words did come to mind mostly stopped in your throat. Any noise that did come out was in the form of choked up croaks and squeaks.
Finally, somehow, actual words came out, only to be immediately cut off.
“Kuroo, I–“
“Just forget it already! If this is how you’re going to be, I can’t take it anymore! I’m fucking done with you. We’re over, now get out of my house, now!”
You already thought that his voice couldn’t get any louder, but its magnitude just kept climbing and climbing until it got to a point where you felt that it could blow the roof off. His face was scrunched up in pure fury, and his eyes directed that rage into yours and straight into your soul.
Whatever he was feeling, Kuroo now seemed as if he had never loved you at all.
And just like that, a beautiful relationship that had lasted months, one that you hoped would stretch on for years to come vanished just like that. All your hopes about Kuroo disappeared into nothingness.
As reluctant as you were, you now accepted that what you had with him was gone, and couldn’t be fixed.
However, more than that, you didn’t think it was even safe to be here anymore. Judging by his body language, his posture, his actions, and his words, standing there for even a few seconds longer would run the risk of Kuroo’s anger escalating towards physical violence.
Your knees gained just enough strength, and you bolted out the door in a fit of loud sobs.
When you were gone, Kuroo returned to normal and sighed, but not out of relief. He couldn’t pin it down exactly, but there was something gnawing inside him… He was observant enough that he knew deep inside that was guilt.
Still, even though he did know, he would never admit it. He wouldn’t admit it to himself, and definitely not to you. He couldn’t take back what he did, but either way, he most certainly wasn’t going to go running after you. Instead, he simply shook his head and wandered off inside the bedroom.
It was raining outside in the dark of night, and not just a light shower. Water rushed down from the dark clouds at high speeds, hitting the ground with incredible sound and force for such tiny droplets.
It didn’t take more than a few seconds for you to get soaking wet in these conditions, but you pushed through and kept running. You didn’t know where– it was late, and no one you knew would be willing to take you in at this hour.
You jumped down the stairs to the ground floor, but that was as far as you could get before your knees finally gave up and caused your body to collapse to the concrete pavement, getting scraped against its rough surface.
You were in an awkward position, but you didn’t care. You were cold, you were wet, but most importantly… you were alone.
At least there was a positive side to that. You curled up, now being free to sob out all the pain that had piled up on you out to the distance. Your face became a mess of tears and snot, as the uncertainty of the situation dawned upon you.
“I can’t sleep on the streets… I’ve already been a burden to everyone, but I have to find someone, anyone…”
You had absolutely nothing, except for the clothes on your back and your phone in your pocket. Getting under the relative safety of a pillar, you decided to make use of that phone as you went through your contacts, pondering your slim set of options.
You remembered that there was one person who lived close enough to Kuroo, and this person was Kenma. Your fingers shook as you debated internally whether to press the call button or not. Kenma was the kind of person who was known for his preferences for being alone, and being sort of aloof towards others.
It wasn’t likely that he would take you in, but the chance of him accepting was still there. At this point, you were ready to take any chance you got.
Trying not to drop your phone, you decided to take a risk and call Kenma. You put it on speaker and heard as the phone rang one time, two times…
Your phone provider would automatically drop a call if there wasn’t an answer by the fifth ring. The device’s battery was quite low as well, so if Kenma did not pick up, you truly would be stranded.
And so, you sat there awaiting your fate. Each ring, although lasting only a few seconds, stretched out for an eternity.
Would Kenma pick up? Would he not pick up?
Whichever one of the two happened, the little flame of hope left in your heart lay in his place… any place that was away from Kuroo.
“It really did turn out to be the person I loved most who ended up hurting me the deepest…” You thought alone to yourself, waiting as the phone rang and rang into the distance…