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The Shadowlands weighed heavy on your soul. You were barely a sapling of fourteen when the shadows fell, but even then, you remembered raising a blade to fight back against the Sharrans invading your home. For the circle you were a part of called the Reithwin area their home. Your blade had broken against the Sharran armor, and you had run into the arms of your elder.
You could recall, if you tried, the very moment the shadows fell, as the Emerald Grove druids ushered your Grove members out with torches held high. It was an icy feeling gripping your very essence. Dripping into your bones with a venom so cold it threatened to freeze your heart. You hated it.
It was the exact feeling you were feeling now, in fact.
The shadows were relentless, conjuring entities left and right. You had a feeling it has something to do with the fact that you had just exited the mausoleum with something missing from Shar’s domain.
You had walked in, both to find Ketheric’s invulnerability secret, and to kill a beast, a horrible creature Raphael sent you on the trail of. Yurgir. In exchange for the Orthon’s soul, Astarion had pulled a deal from the clawed grasp of Raphael.
He had discussed it with you prior, of course. When he had not been in your party as you encountered him in the Inn, he had spoken to you about his ambitions to get his scars read. You had voiced suspicion on a deal with Raphael. Wasn't that what you were trying to avoid? He had been adamant. however, and you were weak to the vampires charms, admittedly. Ever since the tiefling party, you had practically been putty in the spawn's hands.
He knew it, too. He played you like a delicate fiddle, always keeping you at a respectable distance outside of the times you allowed him to feed on you. He knew how to keep you well fed in terms of affection.
You had been surprised at the ease of the deal. Just kill an Orthorn, hiding in the crypt? Easy enough with your friends by your side. Lae'zel was easy enough to convince for the detour, she just liked to fight. Astarion needed no convincing, as it was part of his deal. Wyll barely needed any either, a beast hellbent on terrorizing the countryside? No problem.
It was only after you'd killed the beast that you'd realized you had absolutely no supplies. There was no way you were going to attempt the gauntlet with nothing to feed your small army.
So, out of the gauntlet you romped, back to Moonrise Towers to act all loyal and smile as you bought supplies. You had wandered around looking for different merchants, and that's where you had run into the drow, again.
She was cold to you and your group. This didn't surprise you. You had been pretty harsh with your shutdown of her antics on your prior visit. She had absolutely insisted Astarion bite her. He hadn't wanted to, and as you had previously established, you were smitten with the vampire.
Well, smitten was a strong word. You were a romantic lovebug of a druid, so you couldn't help the attraction there, but you had boundaries. You knew full well he was using you. You were used to the dance of a cornered rat. You hadn't suspected it at first, but you confirmed it after the second time he laid with you. As the daughter of a former archdruid, you had experience with suck-ups. Not that you didn't like the attention. His words of praise certainly had an effect on you.
That was beside the point. You felt strong protective urges for him. If he needed you, he needed you. It didn't matter to you why. It was your prerogative to protect him.
So you did. The drow woman, Araj, had pestered you the entire time you had first spent at the tower asking Astarion to bite her, in exchange for a potion. A potion that would increase the strength of the drinker. Karlach had been so excited, pushing Astarion (jokingly) to bite her. When he had shot it down, so had you. You backed him up all the way, staring down the drow as you repeated yourself, that Astarion could make his own choices. You were his wall as you stood between him and the blood-seller.
So now, as you traded supplies with all the Moonrise traders, you avoided her even as she glared holes in your backs.
Astarion seemed uncomfortable. You debated sending him back to camp, at least he would be away from Araj there. However he looked like he would fight you on that…so you just didn't. He was a big boy. You wouldn't stop him if he wanted to head back. He stayed close to you the whole way through.
When you had reached your camp, exhausted and ready to turn in, Raphael was waiting for you. You had walked away to let Astarion deal with him, which seemed to dismay him a little. You just wanted to sleep.
That was when Astarion started to avoid you a little. He never denied being brought out into the field, and never refused a direct command, but he stopped lingering around you in camp, and stopped offering his sassy rebuttals during idle talks. It worried you a little, but you didn't have the time to worry about it. You had to head back into the mausoleum and finish off the gauntlet of Shar.
It had been a trial in and of itself, gathering the umbral gems. They were hidden in the temple's actual trials. Each gem, aside from the one you had found in Yurgir’s room, had a challenge to get through to claim it.
The soft-step trial had been easy. Astarion. He was lithe, lanky, and stealthy. He was sent in with a potion of invisibility and reappeared, looking disgruntled but pleased with himself, holding the gem.
The self-same trial had been difficult, but doable. A simple test of strength of each party member against a shadow version of themselves. Astarion had rushed in, which annoyed you. He seemed especially bloodthirsty ever since his talk with Raphael. In the end, you had completed the trial with your bodies bruised but not broken.
The faith-leap trial had proven to be the most vexing. The platform was barely visible, and you couldn't count on one hand the amount of times you or your companions fell in and had to be magically dragged back to the start. When you finally had the umbral gem in your grasp, you just wanted to finish the gauntlet.
As if the gauntlet itself wasn't enough, Shadow urged you to explore the whole place, which led you to a library with a silence spell cast over it, and a fight that finally broke your resilience. You needed rest, and you needed your companions to be rested to approach the nightsong.
So you made camp for the…night? You were never sure what time of day it was in the Shadowlands, and it had become even more obscured here, underground.
You hated these lands. They just reminded you of your family's worst failure. Your circle had been destroyed, scattering its members to the wind, save for a few loyalists. You had tried for years to rebuild, but without a proper Grove, it was difficult. If you had just been a little stronger, if you had just fought back a little harder, then maybe Ketheric and the shadows wouldn't be plaguing the land now.
You wondered, as you sat by the fire , if anyone knew. You had never exactly been forthright with information regarding your past. You had an inkling Halsin knew, as he was the archdruid of the Emerald Grove who had been there during the fight as well, but how well would he remember a frightened fourteen year old, and would he be able to connect it to you? You weren't sure.
You were taken out of your musings by Gale handing you a bowl of stew. You muttered a thanks, and scanned the camp. Astarion was sitting idly by his tent, leaning back and partaking in a book. You couldn't see the title from where you were sitting by the fire, but you could see he wasn't very engrossed by it. He was fiddling with the spine and looking around the camp.
Your eyes met for the briefest moment. Your heart skipped a bit , and you willed it to calm down. You needed to talk with him anyway, but you couldn't do it if your heart was going to hammer your rib cage in.
So you sat and ate your stew. You felt his gaze land on you again a few times, as if looking for an excuse to catch your eye. Once you were finished with your meal, you stood up and looked directly at him.
You noted that he looked less robust than usual. It was obvious why. He hadn't asked to feed in about two days, and there weren't exactly any living creatures to feed on here in these Gods-Forsaken lands. That was why you needed to speak with him.
He caught your eye and perked up slightly as he held eye contact with you. You were aware both of you were thinking the same thing. He needed you. After days of ignoring you. You couldn't deny that it hurt a little, but it wasn't important. You were used to pushing down those feelings.
You crossed the camp to his tent.
“Hey”
He regarded you for a moment, taking all of you in. Then he smiled politely.
“Hello.”
You let your mouth speak the words you had so many times before during this journey.
“You can feed on me tonight, if you want.”
His grin got wider. He'd gotten what he wanted. Or at least, part of it.
“I'd like nothing more, darling. But…” he suddenly looked a little lost. “Could we talk…tonight? It's not urgent, of course. If you need me to wait, I can wait. “
Tilting your head, you gazed down at him, scanning for any changes in his facial expression. There was a vulnerability in his eyes you couldn't place. It was an emotion you rarely saw on him, which concerned you even more than the avoidant behavior. You didn't know what a vulnerable Astarion would look like.
You took a deep breath. Then you plastered a false smile on your face. “Sure, Astarion. Just come to my tent later and we'll talk.”
Relief spread across his face, and he relaxed into a more natural smile. “Thank you.”
You retreated towards the fire, your stomach roiling. You weren't sure if it was the stew, or the prospect that Astarion needed to ‘talk’. In your experience, ‘talks’ only ever meant two things. Either you were in trouble , or he was going to break off the situationship you had. Either made your head spin.
When you retreated to your tent, you lit a short candle you had swiped from the halls of the gauntlet. It was already mostly gone, but it still had a few hours left in it. The hours passed by, activity slowly winding down in the camp. Even Lae'zel's late night weapon grinding eventually came to a stop.
You debated sleeping a little before Astarion came, but didn't want him to walk in on you asleep and think that you weren't waiting for him. So you sat, reading a tome Gale had leant you. It wasn't anything special, just a treatise he had found in your travels about druid history. You were curious if the Shadowlands would be featured.
You got so engrossed in the book, you didn't even notice that Astarion was taking a long time to arrive. When the candle had long melted into a waxy pile, only then did you yawn and start to wonder if he was even coming.
As in on cue, the flap of your tent curled back and Astarion's mop of white curls entered head first.
You were reclined, but you sat up as he entered to make room for him in your tent, as it wasn't the biggest among your party members. It was a scrappy little thing, stitched together furs and hides In a mess of patterns. It suited your needs most of the time, but guests weren't exactly welcome.
He avoided your eyes as he got comfortable
“Hello” He echoed again.
You chuckled. He was so awkward right now. “Hi, Astarion.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I know you're stressed with all this gauntlet stuff and helping everyone. I didn't want to add to your burden by asking you to feed me.” He explained, even though you hadn't asked the question.
Raising an eyebrow, you turned to him. “You know, you're part of the group. I can't help everyone else if I can't help you.” you said gently. “But that's not why you're here, though. You said you wanted to….talk?”
He fiddled with his fingers, looking lost again. “Yes. It's..complicated.”
“As is everything with this group.” You said reassuringly.
He chuckled, relaxing a bit. “Yes. Well…it starts with one thing. I never got to thank you for defending me against that vile drow.”
Your eyebrow went up again. “Drow? You mean Araj?”
His lip twisted at the mention of her name. He looked like he wanted to rant, but kept it close and collected. “Yes. Her.”
“Well…I couldn't let her just insult you like that. You aren't property. Not anymore.” You leaned against him affectionately. “She was a horrible person , and you didn't deserve her nonsense. Not for any potion in the world.”
He relaxed slightly, allowing you to lean on him. “Yes. But I've never had that option before. I've always had to just power through my disgust and.. do it. But you didn't make you do anything. You allowed me to be…me!” He made it sound like the idea was novel. To you, it was second nature.
“Again, you aren't property. I can't make you do anything, and I wouldn't want to make you do something.” You sat back up and tried to catch his eyes, but he avoided your gaze.
“I appreciated that more than you could possibly know.” He took a steadying breath. “I needed to tell you that…you mean more to me than I had thought…or that I had expressed. Not only did you defend me against the blood-seller, you delved into a deep dark dungeon, out of the way of our goal, just to help me fulfill my deal with Raphael. He told me some things that were…revealing, to say the least. It's changed my priorities. And I couldn't keep ignoring that I'm developing…feelings I haven't developed in as long as I can remember.”
Your heart started up again, hammering in its cage like a feral dog ready to let loose. You briefly thought that you should set a boundary here, lest he pull you under again, but then he rested his hand atop yours, and you were lost again.
“I need to tell you what Raphael told me, it's very important.”
You nodded, trying to get your heartbeat to calm down. He was trying to be serious, and here you were acting like a sapling again, fresh and new.
He took yet another steadying breath. “Cazador. He plans on using me in some insane ritual to ‘ascend’ beyond Vampire Lord status.” He sneered as he spoke, his disdain for his former master leaking out. “Me and six other spawn, and he becomes a vampire ascendant. He will be able to eat, drink, feel .”
“At the cost of your life.” You finished, tensing up. You wouldn't let it happen. Astarion had just gotten free. You wouldn't let him be taken just as a sacrifice.
He nodded glumly. “At the cost of my life, yes. I need…I need to kill him, stop the ritual before he can try to dispose of me.” He finally looked at you, an expression of pleading on his face. “And I'll need your help. You're the only one I trust.”
His words fell over you. He trusted you! That was something. And he cared for you. You weren't alone in your feelings, at least, not entirely.
The night passed with the two of you talking, never getting to the root of the issue , but dancing around it. That was just how the two of you were. When it got closer to morning you allowed him to feed on you before you took a quick respite.
The morning(?) afterwards, you and the group geared up to get going deeper into the gauntlet.
The Nightsong being an Aasimar was not something you saw coming. Nor did you see Shadowheart’s betrayal of Shar coming.
You were practically chased out of the gauntlet. That's when the shadows had begun their attack, on your way to Moonrise Towers. In all directions the shadows spawned, and these were no ordinary shadows, like they were amplified by Shar's anger. They were barely affected by Lathander’s light, and neither the pixies blessing nor the blessing from Isobel seemed to be saving you from their cold, sapping energies.
You fought them off as best you could, but an errant arrow from a shadow-raised harper struck your side, and down you went. The other Shadows were on you in an instant, surrounding you until all you felt was cold darkness consuming you. You remembered, as you heard a distant shout, the first time you had felt this feeling.
The overwhelming emptiness, the cold gripping your soul with every breath, and an overwhelming urge to just…sleep. To never wake up.
Wake up.
You had to wake up.
You could feel a purifying power in the distant reaches of your mind, feel it in your body which felt a million miles away. It pulled you back slowly, but not quick enough. Another distant shout, and the feeling vanished, the cold dripping back into your bones and swallowing you whole. You just needed to sleep.
It was a soft hand on your arm, followed by a warm body holding you tight, that woke you up.
You could barely breathe, waking with a start as your eyes adjusted to the room around you. You were being held by Astarion, with Isobel not too far away, casting some sort of purifying spell on you. Shadowheart stood by, looking stressed.
You were back at the Inn. Somehow, you had made it back to Last Light.
Astarion visibly brightened when your eyes focused. “She's awake!” He yelled out, and gently laid you back onto the bed he was sitting on.
Your party rushed into the room, but your brain was still mush from the shadow curse gripping you. This was even stronger than the last time you had encountered it. Of course, that was over a hundred years ago, but you were certain it had to do with Shar's anger at losing both the Nightsong and Shadowheart.
Your pointed ears twitched as you woke up more and more. You could feel the purifying magic that Isobel was still doing working it's way through your system. It was warm, heating your cooled body and bringing it back from the brink of death.
You blinked. Brink of death? Had you almost…died? The shadow curse had been so strong within those amplified shadows that you had just felt so…empty. Your blood ran cold again, despite the warmth, as you realized what had happened.
Isobel was the first to speak. “You need rest, but you also need to head to Moonrise as soon as possible. Jaheira and the others rushed out as soon as the glowing light streaked across the sky. They have no idea you were attacked and gripped by the shadow-curse. I hasten to think they're outmatched, but without you…”
Astarion indignantly puffed up, laying a gentle hand on your arm. “She just nearly got consumed by the curse mere hours ago! You want her to run out of here right now?”
Echoes of agreement came from your party. You blinked again. You nearly got consumed by the curse.
It would have been a fitting end…
You shushed that part of your brain. You did not want to die, and it was not your fault. You rubbed your temples, a headache beginning to form.
“No, I'm not saying I want her to rush out of here. I'm saying that Jaheira needs her help!” Isobel said angrily.
“Same damn difference.”
Shadowheart stepped between the two of them. “Stop, this isn't the time to argue. A few of us can head to Moonrise Towers to help the harpers clear it out, while the rest help her,” She gestured to you. “Recover a little more. I know you're concerned, Astarion, but time is of the essence here and Ketheric must be defeated.”
“Do I…” Your throat felt thick and dry. “Do I not get a say?”
The whole party and Isobel’s eyes snapped to you. It reminded you that you were the defacto leader of this group, and you felt a little stronger.
“I agree with Shadowheart. I'll be fine in just a few hours as long as isobel purifies me here and there. But for now, what I need…is quiet. Everyone who is not involved with my care, OUT.”
With grumbles and backward glances, the rest of your party shuffled out of your room, leaving Shadowheart, Astarion, and Isobel.
You cocked an eyebrow In Astarion's direction, but Isobel and Shadowheart said nothing.
As Astarion helped you sit up, you became acutely aware of your wound. A sharp sting of pain in your lower abdomen on the right side. You yelped and went limp, but Astarion’s hand on the small of your back kept you steady.
So that's why he was there.
Once you were sitting, Isobel tipped a potion of supreme healing down your throat. You could feel the wounded skin stitching itself together, like strings mending themselves. You breathed a sigh of relief.
“The arrow luckily didn't hit any arteries or go very deep. The Shadow-curse did more damage than the arrow did. I'm curious why the blessing I gave you didn't work? And did you not receive a blessing from a pixie from that moonlantern?”
Astarion didn't respond, and neither did Shadowheart, so you took it upon yourself to croak out again.
“I believe it was caused by Shar being petty. She lost two things today and I imagine she isn't happy to lose to Selune again thanks to us. So she sent amplified shadows after us. Did anyone else get as bent out of shape as me?”
Shadowheart shook her head as Isobel rolled her eyes at Shar’s pettiness.
“Karlach got bruised pretty bad in the face by a dead githyanki , and I personally got very familiar with the business end of a longsword thanks to a dead harper. Other than that, and the others who were already here at Last Light, you were the only one who went down.”
“Great…real strong leader I am” You muttered under your breath, pushing Astarion's steadying hand away. He put it right back, even as you glared at him.
“We will be right back, we need to restore our own magic to keep using purifying spells on you.” Isobel said, motioning for Shadowheart to follow. She looked confused, and you didn't see her jerk her head towards Astarion, who was looking forlorn.
They scattered from the room, leaving just you and Astarion behind. You took the moment, (mostly) free of distractions to look around the room. It must have been one of the rooms you hadn't been in yet, because you didn't recognize any of the furnishings. The bed you were on was stable, but not meant to hold two people's weight like it was currently doing.
You were about to say something when Astarion moved his hand off your lower back and pushed you to lie back down. He gripped your hand tightly as he did so, and you realized he had been holding your hand the whole time.
“You are a great leader, by the way” he said imperceptibly softly. It was a tone of voice you had never heard from him.
You scoffed. You tried to loosen his grip on your hand, but he held tight, as if letting go of it meant something deeper to him. “A great leader doesn't go down three minutes into a fight and almost become a burden to the entire operation. We should be at Moonrise already, and the only reason we aren't is because of me.”
He didn't answer for a moment, clearly mulling the question over in his head. “One accident, does not a terrible leader make, my dear.” He finally settled on.
When you looked away from him, his free hand reached out to cup your cheek and turn it back to him.
“Listen, for just a minute.”
You nodded, starstruck for just a moment by his proximity, his crimson eyes boring holes into your soul.
“I know you're holding some sort of deep feelings recently. I don't know what they are, but I do know they've been eating you alive. As soon as we stepped foot in the Shadowlands you were…different. Distant. I almost thought you didn't care anymore…but then you defended me against the Drow, and I knew you were just having a difficult time. But you still didn't tell me that night, when I poured my heart out to you.”
Your brows knit together, and you opened your mouth to speak, but he let go of your hand to press a finger to your lips.
“Let me speak, please. Whatever is eating you up, I want to be there for you now. Because…”
Then he said something that turned your whole world upside down.
“With you, things are different. I don't have to do anything, or be anything I don't want to. I can be me. And you won't run away. You haven't tried to change me, only help me. And I…can't tell you how much that means to me. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose…you. And if you are going to fall into that abyss, I want to be the one that pulls you back. But I can't do that unless you talk to me. ”
Your mouth gaped like a fish, opening and closing with no sound. Had he just…confessed to you? Your mind was alight with emotion, neurons firing back and forth at a break-neck pace.
“I…uh.” You couldn't catch any of the thoughts running loose in your head. They slipped through your fingers like sand.
Astarion kissed your forehead. “You don't need to respond to this, in fact, it's better if you don't. But maybe when we're out of the woods, or rather the ah, Shadow-cursed lands, then we can speak. For now, I want you to focus on getting better, and maybe telling me what's eating you. We have to head out in a few hours thanks to someone promising a certain cleric we would leave soon.” He looked pointedly at you.
You chuckled morosely. “Sorry. But in the meantime…I'd love to tell you a story.”
So, you told him. You spun the tale about how all those years ago, you had fought against Ketheric’s army of Sharrans , even just as a young one. How the descent had felt so fast for you. One day you had a home, a happy mother and father, and the next you were fighting against an army hellbent on taking over the land. You mimed your sword breaking to him, and explained that you had felt it the moment the shadows descended on the land. Heard your mother’s screams as the shadows overtook her. You ended the story by describing the heroism of the Emerald Grove druids , who lead the survivors of your clan out of Reithwin and out of the now Shadowlands.
Astarion gave you his rapt attention the whole time, rubbing soft circles into the flesh of your arm.
You were tearing up by the end. You had never told another living soul outside of the survivors of your clan about this, and while you suspected Halsin may remember you, since you were the daughter of the Archdruid of your Grove at the time, you had never confronted him with the idea. So it was emotional telling someone what had been weighing on your chest. How you felt that the shadows were partly your fault for you and your father not protecting Thaniel well enough.
“Its not your fault, you know that. You were only fourteen, it's not your job to defend!” He looked apoplectic at your self-admonition.
You sighed, not wanting to sound whiny. “Yes, but I wasn't just any fourteen year old, Astarion. I was the daughter of the archdruid. That meant it was my job to help my clan when my father couldn't. I failed them just as much as my father did. And I failed Thaniel that time.”
“And you made that right by saving him this time. Besides, if anyone believed you responsible, they would say. Halsin, for example, isn't exactly known for keeping his dislikes secret.” He countered.
“If he even knows I'm, well…me. There was no reason for the Archdruid of the Emerald Grove to know the daughter of my Grove. He would have to guess me based on my face.”
Astarion tutted, and brushed some hair out of your face. “You're too hard on yourself. You judge yourself by a ruler's standards, but you are not a ruler. You are simply you!”
You fought the urge to look away from him again. You were so ashamed of your past wrong-doings. You didn't feel like you deserved forgiveness for them, despite your age. “And me is not enough, Astarion. I need to be better. ”
“ If you ask me, I think you're enough. But you will always want to be better, as do I. So we will better each other. Sounds like a deal?”
You chewed the thought over. It would be nice to have someone to hold you to a standard.
“Very well.”
A grin split across his face and he stood up to dust himself off. “Good. Now you get some rest. We have mere hours before we must head to Moonrise and your skin needs mending. I'll go look for the clerics.” He reached down to kiss your forehead again, before slipping away and out of the room to allow you to recuperate.
During those few hours of rest, you thought you were going to throw up with how many potions the two clerics made you consume, and the constant purification and healing, but at least you wound was fully closed now. It didn't even leave a scar the way it healed, which you were glad about. You had enough scars to worry about without being anxious about adding yet another.
You exited the room after your final round of healing to get your armor back on, and saw that Wyll, Karlach, and Halsin were gone. You gleaned from conversation that they had been the one selected to go ahead and assist Jaheira while you recovered. You were proud of them for volunteering.
The way to Moonrise was lousy With amplified shadows, and you weren't sure how Jaheira or your companions had made it to and fro regardless, but you kept your distance this time, laying down beds of thorns to trap the dead bodies and daylight to reveal the floaters. Astarion used his bow to keep them off of you as well, and Gale and Shadow did their part to fight against the threat.
Moonrise Towers was a mess when you got there. Apparently Disciple Z'rell had been waiting with an entire team to attack them upon entry, and many harpers lost their lives. If it weren't for Karlach, Wyll, and Halsin, you suspected more would have been lost. You regrouped with those three upstairs, after they and Jaheira cleared the way to Ketheric.
This was it. You were finally going to face the man who had ruined your life. You felt nothing but dread grip you. You weren't sure if you were ready. This had always been a dream of yours, but you had thought him long dead. To know he was alive, and causing misery once more, was more than your heart could take. You had to destroy him once and for all this time.
Astarion walked up to you and squeezed your hand reassuringly when you faltered on opening the door, and you shot him an appreciative look before wrenching it open. It was time to face the music.
________________________________
You were blistered, bruised, and battered when you came out of that illithid colony after defeating Ketheric. The Harpers had brought food and wine to Moonrise and were having what could best be described as a victory party.
You decided to sit down in the throne room and nurse your busted arm from getting side slammed by the Avatar of Myrkul into a wall. Your party members all shuffled off to get healing or to partake in the spoils of victory.
You leaned back and closed your eyes. It wasn't over. It was never going to be easy, it couldn't have been. You thought it was just a matter of Ketheric Thorm being behind the Absolute. Instead, you had to worry about two others. An army of mind controlled cultists on their way to Baldurs Gate, and you had to get there and get the netherstones before the army could march. At least Ketheric was dead, and the land could heal.
You felt the bench dip and opened your eyes to see Astarion sitting next to you.
“You should be enjoying the spoils of your victory.” He said, eyeing you up and down. “Yet here you are, acting like a kicked puppy.”
You sighed, and leaned against him for support. “I know, I know.” Your voice was raspy from spell-casting. “I just…needed a moment before I get healed and join in. It was supposed to be simple, Astarion. The Absolute Is at Moonrise, they said. A cure to our infection and answers. Yet the answers beget more questions. It's just frustrating.” You closed your eyes again.
He petted your hair in an attempt to soothe you. “Yes, yes it's very annoying. But we have the answers, and we have a plan. Or at least, we will have a plan. Once we get to Baldurs Gate, it's smooth sailing.”
“So you say.” Jaheira interrupted the two of you, and you jumped apart, embarrassed. Astarion didn't look embarrassed, but he was surprised you jumped away from him, and maybe a little offended. “But the Absolute is a much less simple matter than the reign of Ketheric Thorm.”
You nodded, listening along as Astarion mouthed to you ‘I will find you later’
It wasn't until the next day, after you made camp for the night after being attacked by Githyanki on your way to Baldurs Gate, that you found the time to rest.
You could have wept when you saw the first oak tree on the road to Baldurs Gate. Halsin seemed weepy too. Finally out of the Shadowlands, and your guilt, while not gone, was far behind you once again.
You and the group were so excited to be out of the Shadowlands, finally able to see the actual moon overhead when you slept, that you had your own party of sorts.
You got out your best wines you had gathered on the road, and Halsin provided a meal that even a seasoned adventurer would be jealous of. Even Astarion got caught up in the emotion, and he picked some fresh berries after he went hunting to bring back for everyone to snack on.
You were on the cusp of Baldurs Gate. Merely two days away. You had to come up with a plan, even Astarion was expecting that, but you needed more information before you could formulate one.
His eyes kept lingering on you as the party waned on, and you preened under his attention. He was probably just worried about your arm, but you had to admit you liked the attention. Since his confession, you had been abuzz with any attention from him.
You just couldn't catch him alone, though. Every time you caught his eye, he was with someone else, chatting up a storm.
On edge, you decided to just go to bed, hoping to speak with him in the morning. The only issue was…you couldn't sleep. With the Shadowlands and Ketheric behind you, all you could focus on was Astarion’s confession. He said he would hear you when you were ready.
You were ready to respond now. Your mind was clearer now. You could think real thoughts, not clouded by guilt or loss.
The party didn't wind down until deep in the night, and you didn't hear whether or not Astarion headed to his tent. You were just about to get out and check when a hand snaked around your waist. You went to yelp, but had a thought. You turned over in their embrace to find Astarion, eyes already closed, wrapped around you.
“Astarion?”
He grumbled, but opened his eyes. He was obviously, very clearly, drunk off his ass. You quickly pulled yourself out of his hold, and he protested the loss, but you shook him awake the rest of the way.
“Astarion this is my tent.” You explained, chuckling.
He sat up with you, but looked put off. “I am aware.” He said simply.
“...What are you doing here?” you prompted.
He chuckled deep and low, and traced your jawline with his finger. “I just missed you. We didn't get to talk at all after the fight.”
You flushed a bright red, and moved his hand away. “OK, look. You can stay tonight, but no funny business. Sleep only.” You commanded. You didn't want Astarion to do something he might regret when he was sober, and you couldn't do your own confession while he was drunk off his ass.
Astarion mumbled something unintelligible and laid back down. “Mmok…I promise.”
You really did not have the room in your tent to lay down with him, at least with any proper distance, but you didn't have it in your heart to try and send him back. You especially didn't want to cause a commotion and have the other companions notice something.
So you laid down with him, and he wrapped his arms back around you. You didn't resist this time, but it did make you redder.
Morning couldn't come quick enough.
You didn't fall asleep until the moon was directly overhead, and it wasn't a restful sleep. You tossed and turned, and the nightmares you had didn't help. You could see your failure imminent, your companions falling to your enemies. A scream that carried into the real world reverberated through your chest.
You were awoken by Astarion, a concerned expression plastered on his bleary face. He had been woken up by your scream and had tried to wake you up.
“Darling, wake up!” He was shaking you.
You sat up straight, breathing labored and eyes dilated.
“What in the hells were you dreaming about that got you so worked up?” He brushed your hair out of your sweaty face and held your face between his hands. “I've never seen you this worked up.”
You softened as he held you, and you could hear the other members stirring in their sleep, but luckily not waking.
“I…it…it was just a nightmare. I'm sorry.”
“Don't apologize, you just… you screamed and I got worried.” He pressed his fingertips into your cheek, feeling tear streaks and frowning. “Wow…it must have been some nightmare…”
You wiped your cheeks off and pulled from his grip once again, trying to gather yourself. “Y-yea. I'll be fine though, I just need a minute.”
He nodded, and started to get up, but you grabbed the front of his shirt and balled it up in your fist.
“Please stay, though.” You begged. “I don't want to be alone right now.”
The morning sun shone down through the flap in your tent as you used your shirt to wipe the tear streaks from your face. He patiently waited as your companions all filed out of their own tents and started getting ready. So much for not getting caught…
When you finished fixing your appearance, you turned to Astarion. “Th-thank you, Astarion. For staying. I just really needed someone here. That nightmare was so vivid and…”
He shushed you gently, pulling you into a hug. “Anytime. I'm here. Just like you'd be there for me.” He buried his face in your hair. “Especially when I'm blackout drunk and end up in your tent.”
You could hear your companions murmuring and heard footsteps outside your tent, but you didn't pull away. The footsteps quickly retreated, and you knew you'd been caught, but didn't care.
“I need to tell you something.” You breathed in his scent to calm yourself.
He nodded and gently let go of you to set you back down. “I'm all ears.” He tapped his pointed shell as he spoke
You smiled, giggling slightly. “Be serious, please. I don't think your hangover can take much more sarcasm.”
He hummed in agreement.
“You told me not to respond til I was ready. I was going to wait until after we fought Cazador but I just can't. You mean too much to me to let you go another minute without knowing it. Besides, we don't when…something will happen.” You recalled your vivid nightmare, and what had befallen Astarion. Sacrificed by his master and turned into nothingness.
Astarion nodded, taking your hands in his. “Yes, this is true. I felt the same way after you were felled in battle the other day. I couldn't wait.”
“Exactly. I care for you so much, Astarion. And while I can't bring myself to say the words yet , I know that they're true.” You leaned forward until your foreheads met. “And I know eventually I'll be able to say them. So be patient with me, until the end?”
“Yes”
That was all you needed to hear. At least for now, you two had each other.