Archive of Our Own ^beta

It had been raining in LA ever since Chris had moved away.

Literally, not metaphorically. Wryly, Eddie considers it as some sort of bad omen, a cathartic punishment towards everything he has ever done in his life.

This is the point where Frank would usually intervene with a pointed look and a clear of his throat, and Eddie would roll his eyes and amend his words to be less—abrasive. Harsh, even. But Frank wasn’t here right now. He hadn’t been for a while, actually, despite his insistence that Eddie was getting somewhere. It was hard to believe when weeks of sessions hadn’t resulted in Chris coming back, or the strained tension with Buck dissipating, or Eddie being able to handle over an hour by himself without going stir-crazy. Sometimes, he wonders if this was all there is to life—just him, his car, and the vast winding trail of all his regrets circling through his mind, ready to pop up and maim whenever they wanted.

The weather had started immediately after Chris left. The bright humid sunny day gave way to a few droplets while Buck stood next to Eddie as he just kept looking through the open window, something inside hoping, praying, that the car most precious thing to him would turn around, that Chris would decide that Actually, I know you fucked up, Dad, but you were trying your hardest in a bad situation and I want to stay with you. And Eddie would let out a sob of thinly veiled relief and choke out, Language, and they would embrace and then Buck would maybe kiss him and his parents could go back to El Paso and take all the ghosts of his childhood with them. 

Obviously, that couldn’t happen. Except for Buck kissing him, but when it got to late evening and Buck got a chance to check all the missed calls and texts on his phone he turned to Eddie, laying on the couch and staring mindlessly as the TV played some sort of old sitcom rerun, and nervously bit his lip as he said “Eddie, I need to go back to Tommy, but—you’re going to be okay, right? You know you can call me at any time?” And Eddie could do nothing but nod blankly and watch as Buck slipped his shoes back on and ran back to his truck, shielding his hair with his jacket as he rushed to the driver's seat through the rain.

Eddie didn't call Buck. But he did schedule an appointment with Frank for as soon as possible. He even texted Buck about this, and Buck replied with a thumbs up and a red heart emoji. Eddie gave his response a like. He told Chris, too, but his text got left on delivered. He couldn’t hide the pang his heart gave as he checked the message a few days later to no change, but it was fine. Or, not fine, but manageable. He was dealing with it, and not all problems could be dealt with in a day, according to Frank. 

Except, the day turned into weeks, then weeks turned into months, and then Eddie had quit on Frank after a particularly bad night when his invite to Buck to hang out got rejected due to a date with Tommy, and the almost constant light rain plaguing California turned harsher and meaner and then the sun didn’t come back at all, along with Eddie’s will to keep pretending he was managing it all. Why should he have to be okay with his son not returning his texts and calls, or with being alone for days and days and days with no human contact except for the delivery man coming to his door? So, he didn’t. 

That had all been a few weeks ago. It was partially the reason why Eddie was here, now, driving his car for hours and hours in the pitch black, or as close as it could get in the light polluted west coast, with no plans to stop as the rain pounded on his windshield. The sparse trees of Los Angeles morphed into thick dark pine and congested traffic turned into sporadically populated winding roads up through valleys and hills, and Eddie doesn’t want to stop. There was something meaningful about being truly alone, not just on the inside but the outside, too.

The dim light on the inside roof of his truck glows a warmth onto Eddie, illuminating his hands in front of him and the bottles in his cup holder, one being a beer he had cracked open a few minutes ago with plans of stopping at some motel in the near future. He didn’t have any ideas when he set off, except for spending his next day off shift anywhere but his house. Eddie takes a swing, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he rushes to turn onto a straight, yellow lines on the road taking a sharp turn he was quick to follow. A car passes him going in the opposite direction. The road widens and the trees spread closer to the sides, stars twinkling faintly above. 

His phone buzzes. Then again, and again, and again. Even without checking, he knows it’s Buck. Right before leaving, they were talking, alone for the first time in ages before Tommy's voice rang out from the phone. Eddie had just sighed, and Buck honed in on the sound, voice pitching in defensiveness. What? Buck had questioned, then Eddie breathed out a laugh and said Nothing, just– and Tommy had called Buck's name again, so Eddie told Buck to go back to his boyfriend, and Buck replied with Okay, fine. But you know we aren’t—I mean, he’s my boyfriend. But you’re my best friend. He doesn’t change that. And Eddie's traitorous mind hissed in possessiveness, so he just said Okay. And ended the call, like a man who is definitely not in love with his best friend would.

Or something like that. 

Eddie glances at it on the passenger seat beside him, before reaching over carefully to put it on do not disturb. In a split second, a blur of beige flashes over the windshield and he curses as he swerves the car to the side, pulling over and turning on the emergency lights. Eddie snatches his phone and turns on the flashlight as he jumps out the car, flashing the light to the bushes the blur had escaped too, catching sight of antlers and long lean legs leaping into the dark.

Fucking stags. Carding a hand through his now rain-soaked hair, he goes to get back into the car as his harsh panting gets drowned out by the pattering of water. Right as he was about to jump back in, a high pitched faint meow came from the side of the vehicle. Eddie was about to ignore it, blame it on the wind, pushing down that thought that Buck would want me to check. He isn’t Buck’s. He doesn’t have to do things just because his friend would. 

And he would’ve ignored it, if the source of the meow didn’t turn out to be a black kitten shaped blur shuffling over his shoes. Eddie’s tense expression softens as he crouches, gathering it up into his palms and setting it on the driver's seat. There was something in its wide nervous gaze that spoke to Eddie, and he shoves back the part of him that sympathises with being left alone in the middle of nowhere. When he pulled his hand away, it was stained in fresh blood, glistening in the warm car light. He blinks in shock, before eyeing the way the cat hobbles curiously, sniffing the strange smells of the driver's seat. Its back left leg was bent awkwardly and it triggers something in Eddie’s medic brain to realise it was most likely broken, and he winces in phantom pain.

Strangely, it didn’t seem to be bothering the kitten, but then again, the only experience Eddie had with cats was the barn cat of his childhood before it got chased away by the neighbourhood dog, much to his sisters' upset. Eddie would’ve joined them, but his father eyed him in warning as he asked to search, so he quickly dropped the idea.

He knew what he had to do, and he sighs in disbelief as he grabs his phone to search 24 hour vets into google maps. A new notification from Buck flashes over the top of his screen like some sort of approval from the universe and something in his heart settles as he keeps searching, finding one only a few miles away.

Eddie bundles the kitten in Buck's hoodie that he finds tucked away in the backseat, and sets it on the passenger seat before starting to drive.

Distantly, he was glad he didn’t have any more of his beer. 

When he arrives at the vets, the superficially cold lights felt like piercing needles through his skull. It was also the first time Eddie could check the time, hour hand on the clock on the wall just ticking over the four. Christ. The unnamed cat meows in agreement from where he was cradling it against his chest, a warm contrast to the wet of his shirt plastered to his skin. 

“Sir? How can I help you?”

The receptionist is a bored looking young girl, chewing gum in a manner that reminds him distinctly of Chimney. The reminder also causes him to consider just how long he had been MIA, and he makes a mental note to check his phone when he has the time.

“I–yes. I found a cat, and I’m pretty sure its leg is broken?”

With a smack of the gum, the girl nods. “If you’d like to take a seat, one of the vets will be out to see you soon. If I may have the cat's name?”

She looks at him expectantly just as his phone buzzes once more. He smiles apologetically and shifts to grab it, sighing as he reads the text on the screen and unable to stop Buck from escaping from his mouth in–a lot of different ways, actually.

“Buck? Alright.”

Eddie looks up suddenly, struggling to recall the conversation. The receptionist only gestures towards the plastic chairs exasperatedly, a smile plastered on her face as she looks him up and down in mild judgement. He hastens to comply before she could judge him any harsher, heart racing.

So, he thinks to himself as he looks down at the kitten, eyeing the way it curls up on his lap. I guess you’re called Buck now.

Another buzz from his phone draws his attention, and he checks his texts with only a slight hesitation. He’s proud of himself for that, he thinks.

Buck (17:12)

Eddie??? Why did you end the call??

Buck (17:13)

It was only Tommy. He wanted to know if I was gonna stay the night. I was gonna say no and ask if I could go to yours, but whatever

Buck (17:23)

Text me when you get this? I don’t want you to be mad

Buck (21:47)

Hey, it’s been a while. You’re usually pretty quick at responding.

Buck (21:48)

Is everything okay??

Missed call (3)

He pointedly ignores those ones to spite the way his brain was already taking Buck’s concern and making a mad love-fueled dash with it.

Chimney (18:07)

(Picture)

Chimney (18:08)

Lol look at this crow I saw. You aren’t the only one being sent signs.

Chimney (22:26)

Hey man, you need to call Buck back. He’s over at me and Maddies, convinced you’ve been kidnapped or something. Even Jee isn’t enough to calm him down.

Chimney (22:32)

Or like, if you are kidnapped. Then call 911. But you already know this.

Hen (19:47)

Chris just sent Denny a postcard of El Paso. He seems happy, Eddie. You haven’t damaged him like you told me you did. 

Hen (22:37)

Are you okay? Buck’s worried. I’m sure you’re just asleep, though. I’ve told him you said you were going to get an early night.

There were a few more miscellaneous texts from Bobby and a guy he plays basketball with inviting him for a game the next day, something he would’ve accepted if not for Buck the cat drifting off on top of him, head tilted back and hanging off his arm. He replies to those ones first, going down the list before settling on his chat log with Buck, unable to delay it any longer.

Buck (3:04)

Ok I’m really getting worried now. Can you just reply? I know you were gonna get an early night but 

Buck (3:06) 

Idk. I just think you would usually respond and now you aren’t and I don’t want to be annoying but like I know you haven’t been doing the best

Missed calls (5)

Buck (4:03)

Ok fine I get the hint have a good night man 

Eddie (4:13)

I’m here. Not dead

Eddie (4:14)

Just went for a drive. Lost track of time, you can call off the search squad lol

Buck (4:14)

But you hate driving

Eddie (4:17)

I needed to go away for a little

Incoming call: Buck

Eddie takes a deep breath before answering, thumb of his other hand gently stroking Buck 2.0’s fur on her stomach to calm himself down.

A beat of silence echoes once the call connects. 

“Eddie.”

“Buck.”

“Eddie.”

“I’m fine. I’m good, I promise.”

“Right. That’s why you’ve been on a drive for like,” Buck pauses, presumably checking the time, “Nine hours? That’s not like you. You don’t just go on drives.”

Eddie shifts in his seat. “Maybe it is me. It’s not like you’ve been around to tell.” His brain was screaming at him to stop, to reign himself in, but something in the night air felt like a truth serum drugging up his system.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Eddie could hear the sheets rustling in the background as Buck hisses out the words. Strangely quiet.

Eddie sighs. “Nothing. I mean absolutely nothing. Look, I just–you know it’s been hard. For me. I don’t want to make you feel like you have to choose between me and Tommy.”

“That’s literally not the point. Like, at all.” Buck breathes into the phone for a bit, gathering his thoughts. Eddie stays silent. “I’m not–You aren’t just someone to talk to when he’s busy. I want to hang out with you. I know you’re trying, but I am, too. I know I have a boyfriend now but that doesn’t mean anything has to change, right? I mean, it’s not like anything did with Taylor, or Natalia.”

Somewhere in Eddie's mind, he knows Buck’s telling the truth. It’s not like it’s anything different, but it feels different. At least when Buck was dating girls, Eddie had some edge over them. He could be Bucks guy best friend, he could have that priority, that distinction putting them in separate categories, Now, with Tommy, that barrier feels dissolved. Everyone always says your partner’s meant to be your best friend, and what’s stopping Tommy from taking both those spots in Buck’s life, really? It’s not like there’s that much about Eddie that Tommy doesn’t have, and what Eddie does have that's different is overpowered by his history of fucked up, traumatic mistakes that eventually drive everyone away.

Eddie takes a deep breath as he builds up the courage to repeat this to Buck. Frank would be proud, he thinks.

“I just feel like–”

“Mm–Evan? What’r’you–”

Eddie pauses. “Are you at Tommy’s right now?”

“Shit–Yeah, I’m good. Go back to sleep. Hi, sorry. I was just–I mean. It’s not like you replied.” Buck's voice was awkward, and Eddie can picture the exact look that crosses Buck’s face in his head.

Eddie laughs hollowly, courage dissipating into the whirring of the air conditioner above. “Right. Well, I won’t keep you.” 

“C’mon, man. Were you even listening to me?” An older lady in scrubs walks out from a side corridor, holding a clipboard. “Eddie, this isn’t fair. I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend to you, but–”

“It’s fine. Look, I’ve got to go, anyways. See you next shift.” Eddie ends the call before Buck could respond, and stands as the woman smiles at him, and says "Buck?" in a questioning tone. Yeah. It’s always fucking Buck. 

Regardless, he nods and follows her to an examination room where he sits awkwardly on a stool to the side. He places the black cat in the middle, and distantly answers all the questions given to him as he watches her poke and prod at it with a clinical detachment Eddie wishes he could replicate. No, it’s not mine. I just found it. I don’t know if it’s chipped or it’s gender. Yes, I took it straight here. I was a medic. I know not to move patients. Oh, why it’s called Buck? Funny coincidence, that. I found it because a stag ran in front of my car. 

She was quick to examine the damage, and equally as quick to place a cast on its leg while Eddie plays some random game Chris used to obsess over when he was younger on his father's phone. She informs him that she’s done all she can do, and the next step would be to let the cat, a girl, rest until a few weeks later when he’d have to bring her back in to remove the cast. He nods along to all the information and walks out the office after paying a ridiculous sum to the receptionist, already feeling the dent it’ll leave in his bank account, and goes back to his car with a brand new responsibility and an air of trepidation.

The rain let up slightly as the sun began to rise in the distance. 

The first day was relatively easy. Buck the cat approaches everything with a curiosity only matched by her human counterpart, something Eddie can't help but lament over, and seems very aware of everything going on. She didn’t need to be litter trained, immediately using it with a knowledge Eddie had no clue came from. Maybe she used to have an owner? One that abandoned her on the road when she got injured? He chews his lip as he watches her meow as she uses her front paws to propel herself onto his little sofa side table before reaching the actual sofa, and skids across until she could nudge her little head against his thighs. 

Eddie can’t help but smile slightly, picking her up whilst being mindful of her cast, and places her on his lap where she immediately starts purring in contentment. Despite how she got to the situation, she was his now. His responsibility. His to care for and look after and to not fuck up with his actions.

In a normal situation, he’d immediately text Buck the news and have him do copious amounts of research about how to care for cats and what’s the best type of food to eat and the most stimulating toys to keep her occupied. Buck wouldn't even need to research, he amends, knowing the vast amount of knowledge his best friend holds in his big, loveable head. Chris also would’ve met her, and through the amount of times Chris had begged for a dog, and a hamster, and a snake (“Did you know they’re basically solar-powered? Buck told me. It’s called being ex- etc-” and then Buck had cut in with a fond smile and ruffle of Chris’s hair “Ectothermic.” “Yeah! They’re ectothermic, Dad. It’s so cool.”) Eddie could predict he would’ve been thrilled by a pet.

Well, they got one. Only it was a few months too late, and Eddie still hadn’t told him. No better time like the present.

Eddie (13:52)

(Picture)

Eddie (13:53)

We have a new member of the family.

The typing bubble pops up a few times, before fading. Eddie keeps watch on the screen until Buck the cat shifts on his lap, meowing as she fumbles to her food bowl, looking at it mournfully. Eddie snaps out of his thoughts and sighs as no reply comes through and goes to pour out some dry food into her bowl.

The vet had recommended it. Eddie paid no mind to the hefty price tag when he scoured through the 24 hour convenience store nearby, although he had no clue what makes a brand of cat food good or bad. Buck would know.

Speaking of Buck, neither of them had reached out since Eddie had hung up on him the night before. It was strange to feel a sort of tense energy surrounding them, one that hadn’t been present since the ill fated lawsuit years and years prior. That time Eddie had been hiding something, too, but it was the fight club instead of his recently unrepressed feeling for his best friend, who had a boyfriend. So, very different circumstances. And this time, Buck has someone to confide in and talk to, someone who was actually brave enough to speak up about his feelings and gets to date Buck. 

Something Eddie could never allow himself to do. 

His thoughts get interrupted by his phone buzzing incessantly from where it was sitting on the nearby counter, and Eddie glances at the caller ID.

Incoming call: Hen

He answers before the time could run out, and carefully presses the phone between his ear and shoulder as he uses his hands to clean out Buck’s food bowl.

“Hey, Hen. You okay?”

“I should be the one asking you that. What’s this I hear about you ignoring Buck? I’d think there’s a better chance of the earth freezing over.”

“Okay–listen. It wasn’t ignoring. We’re just–y’know, going through a rough patch. It’s fine. We’re both dealing with it.”

“Clearly. That’s why Buck’s been spending our whole shift together staring mournfully at your messages? Because everything’s fine?”

Eddie scoffs. “Hard to believe when he’s been blowing me off to go to Tommy’s every night.”

Hen quietens, and Eddie hears shuffling on her end of the call. He takes this opportunity to sit back down with girl Buck, and watches absentmindedly as she chews on his finger. 

“I’m back, sorry. Just went to the bunks. But, Eddie, that’s–I mean, you know how he gets with relationships. He just wants to be loved. I’m sure he’s not purposely ignoring you. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to him about it.” She stresses the last few words, tone exasperated in a way he knows she only gets around them. 

“Oh, but Hen. We all know what I’m like about talking."

She lets out a short laugh, and hums a little as the call goes quiet. Buck catches onto his finger slightly with her sharp baby teeth and he lets out a low hiss, jerking his hand away.

“Eddie?”

“Shit–yeah?”

“I just want you to know that you have people to talk to, not just Buck.” Her tone turns sombre suddenly, and Eddie purses his lips in preparation. “I don’t know everything going on with you, but from what you’ve told me, it hasn’t been all too good.”

“Hen–”

“I know you’ve stopped seeing Frank. Buck told me.”

Eddie squeezes his eyes shut. “Hen–”

“I know, I know. You’re okay, everything's fine, Diazes don’t panic. I just can’t help but doubt that that was the best thing for you to do.”

“It wasn’t helping. It just–what’s the point of all of it? Really? I’ve been going over everything again and again in my head, and then I had to get my skull cracked open by Frank so he could get really deep inside, and tell me all the ways I’m a fuck up. As if I don’t already know.”

“Eddie.” Hen’s tone was so–heartbroken, almost, that he couldn’t help but let out a shaky laugh.

“I’m sorry. It just sometimes feels like I’m a hamster, constantly running and running on a hamster wheel with no end goal in sight. Because–even if I keep going, even if I am kinder to myself, it won’t bring Chris back.”

“Well, if you are that hamster, then maybe the hamster deserves some grace, hm?” Her voice softens, “I’m sorry you’re feeling like that, Eddie. I really am. But you can recognise that it’s unhealthy, right? And that’s what therapy is supposed to help with. You always say you want to be the best version of yourself, but this doesn’t seem like it.”

“I’m trying, Hen. I promise, I am.” His voice cracks slightly in the middle, and he sends a silent prayer that she doesn't mention it.

“I know,” she soothes. “I know you are. But you deserve to feel good about yourself, even without Chris as motivation. It seems hopeless now, but there are things to live for, right?”

“I’m not–I’m not suicidal, Hen.”

“I believe you. But regardless, I think you should go back. And you need to have faith, Eddie. Chris will come back to you. And so will Buck. Something tells me you aren’t the only one pining.” Hen’s voice was laced with amusement as she finishes her sentence.

“Pining? I’m not–this isn’t what this is.” 

“Oh, really? You could’ve fooled me.”

“And–wait, what do you mean I’m not the only one?”

Hen laughs, “I mean, his relationship with Tommy isn’t as fulfilling as he wants to believe. And a little birdie told me you might feel a certain way about him?”

Eddie groans, half heartedly. “Karen.”

“Sorry, Diaz. Our marriage vows are sacred. No secrets. But it’s okay, I would’ve figured it out anyways. You guys literally can’t hide your feelings whatsoever. It’s a wonder Bobby hasn’t asked you to file relationship forms yet.”

And Eddie–doesn’t know how to feel about that. The thought of Buck liking him back felt unimaginable, but Hen wouldn’t lie to him like that. She wouldn’t.  

“He has a boyfriend.”

“I’m very aware of that. The same boyfriend who spends half the time desperately vying for attention while Buck can’t help but stare at you all heart eyes, right?”

Eddie chokes on a laugh. “Hen. That’s–that’s cruel. I’m sure you're exaggerating.”

“Trust me, I’m not. And plus, I can be a little cruel. Penance for the way he treated me and Chimney.”

He sobers at that. “Yeah, I know. And–Gerrard? Anything new on that front?”

“Nothing,” Hen sighs. “Oh–he did slip on the way out the showers, that was fun. But then he got into it with Buck about his pride pin, which kind of ruined the mood.”

“Fuck. That sounds about right.”

“Yep.” The bell starts ringing in the background, and Hen lets out a quick sigh. “I’ve got to go. But you take care of yourself, yeah? Remember I’m here for you, we all are. And text Buck. Put him out of his misery, he’s moping around like a kicked puppy.”

“I will, I will. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.”

Eddie snorts as he ends the call, shaking his head slightly, mind reeling. Maybe–maybe Hen was right. Maybe he should talk to Buck. Maybe he somehow, maybe, likes Eddie back?

Or not, Eddie thinks to himself as he sees the six month anniversary post Buck just posted, cheeks glowing and eyes bright in the way Eddie fantasises about. Except they weren’t aimed towards Eddie, no, they were aimed towards Tommy. His boyfriend. The one who actually got Buck. 

Eddie sighs as he looks over at Buck the cat, her lithe little body positioned on the end of the sofa, arms tucked under her chest and eyes wide and alert.

“So, Buck.” Eddie says morsefully, “what the hell are we meant to do now?”

Chris (22:37)

Cool

Chris (22:38)

What’s its name?

The next morning, it was raining again. Violent raindrops spat on the windscreen as Eddie drove to work, restless energy thrumming beneath his skin. It was his first day leaving girl Buck alone, and that compared with the lightning striking in the far distance didn’t leave him feeling good, to put it simply. It was just–there’s a lot. Going on. But nothing could contain the way his heart leaped out of his chest when he saw Chris’s messages, the first time he had ever gotten a response, and he felt hope blossom deep in the bowels of his chest.

Not even Buck could, despite the way they hadn’t spoken since that night at the vets. But it was fine. He could do that later, when he gets to work. He sighs as he pulls into the parking lot and shuts down the car, ready to make a run for it to the nice warm safety of the fire station.

As he starts climbing the stairs, two at a time, he catches sight of Chimney and Buck talking by the kitchen, clearing up the table.

“Eddie! You made it. I was almost convinced some random guy kidnapped you and sold your bones to the market.” Chimney says, noticing Eddie's arrival.

Unfortunately for Eddie, this also means Buck turns around quickly, eyebrows slightly twitching together in worry as he stares at Eddie, eyes big and blue and brewing with indecipherable emotion, lips blush pink and slightly open, showing off a glint of teeth and tongue. His hair was damp from the rain outside, freeing the strands from the blow dried straightness and curling up in a way that framed his face perfectly, one curl hanging over his forehead that Eddie itches to softly push away from his face. 

Through his staring, Eddie completely misses Buck's words, watching the way his lips moved to form a sentence and only snapping back into focus when Chimney groans and leaves, calling for Hen to come save him—they’re doing it again. 

“I’m–sorry?”

Buck huffs, shaking his head slightly as he looks down. “You–I’ve missed you. You know that, right? You can’t deprive me of my Eddie time.”

“It’s been a day.”

“So?” Bucks cheeks flush a little. “It’s–never mind. I’ve just missed us. And I’m sorry. I hear you, and I’ll try harder. Be a better friend.”

“Yeah. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry too. Back to normal?”

“Yeah. Back to normal.” If Bucks smile dims slightly, Eddie puts it down to a trick of the light. It’s really not worth getting his hopes up and ruining what was already a tense agreement. 

Before they could continue, the bell started shrieking. Chimney quickly chugs the rest of his coffee as they all run to their designated vehicles and Eddie jumps in, tripping slightly as he sinks into his seat next to Buck and lands sprawled on his lap. Buck just laughs slightly awkwardly and Eddie shuffles off, heat crawling up his face as he sits down properly this time. Hen gives him a pointed look, one he’s quick to look away from, and watches through the fogged up window as the truck accelerates and drives into the depths of the storm.

Gerrard briefs them on the situation before they arrive. It’s a teenage girl calling, terrified for her younger brother who stormed off after some bad news, walking to the edge of the cliff before the soggy damp mud beneath him gave away and he went tumbling down. Eddie’s heart aches as he hears the story, and exchanges glances with Buck before jumping into action when they arrive.

The weather had only gotten worse as they travelled, with record breaking winds whipping their hair back and forth and roaring its warning into their ears as the rain took out its rage onto every nearby surface. The faint crackling of thunder echoed in the distance.

Eddie quickly shucks on his turnouts, watching everyone do the same. There was already another station on scene, but they looked out of their depth with two probationary firefighters hesitantly loitering while the rest were discussing a plan. Eddie spots the girl who presumably made the call sitting on the edge of an ambulance, foil blanket wrapped tightly over her shoulders as her dark soaked braids lay limp. She sniffles, and coughs as she peers around at everyone with wide brown eyes.

As he walks over, away from everyone else, she seems to focus in on him and lets out another chesty cough as her eyes begin to water.

“God, I’m–I’m not usually like this. It’s just that Marcel–my brother–you need to save him. We know he should’ve stayed away, he’s not stupid. It was just–our parents were leaving each other and he’s been struggling a lot and this just kind of tipped him over the edge and I really need–” Her voice breaks off into a sob and she buries her head in her hands.

“Hey–listen.” Eddie tries to soothe. “It’s okay. We’re going to do our very best to bring Marcel back. I know it seems impossible now, but you need to stay positive, yeah?”

“Look, you may not get this because you’re–whatever. But I promised my mom I’d protect him. I can’t just be positive while we don’t even know if he’s alive down there.”

Eddie laughs humorlessly in his head. I know more than you think. “Don’t jump to the worst conclusions, that’s all I’m saying,” He responds, ignoring the voice in his head telling him he should listen to his own advice.

“Diaz! The hell are you doing over there?”

Rolling his eyes, Eddie gives the girl a soft pat on her back before getting up. “I have to go. But I promise you’ll be the first one to find out when we get him out of there.”

She only nods silently, and Eddie runs back in the direction of Gerrard, mud splashing around his feet.

“Finally. You’re the one going down, we’ve decided.” Buck huffs in the background, mouth curled into a frown. “Get the harness on. I’ll man the wench considering none of the others can be trusted.”

Eddie could only bite back his honesty and firmly nods, running back to get the harnesses, Buck right on his tail.

“It’s so stupid. I don’t know why he’s making you do it, I literally volunteered. And then I said fine, let me do the wench and he fucking–“

“Buck. I’m fine. I can do it. And despite how much of an asshole he is, I’m sure he’s capable enough to make sure I don’t fall to my death.”

Buck looks like he’s about to protest, but he holds back his tongue. He looks down at Eddie who kneels to secure the harness, hair slicked with rain water and head bowed. “He’s–I know. I know he won’t purposefully do anything, but that doesn’t mean I want him near you like that. You shouldn’t have to trust someone who hates us so much with your life.”

Eddie only quirks his brow as he stands back up. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were jealous, Buckley. Want me all to yourself, yeah?”

Buck cheeks warm and he looks to the side. “Something like that.”

Blinking in slight shock, Eddie fumbles his next words, mind reprogramming to hewantsmehewantsmehewantsme. “I–besides. It’s not a well this time, yeah? No place for me to get stuck,” and then he walks off, laughing at Buck's outraged splutter.

Gerrard was already waiting, casting a mean look towards him before gruffly turning and securing Eddie to the wench. Eddie focuses in, watching his movements that seemed to be so ingrained in Eddie’s memory he could do them in his sleep, except–Wait. Wasn’t there a step before that?

“Captain–”

“–All done. Go scaling the side, yeah? I’ll be here.”

“Sir–”

“Don’t talk back. Just do your job. You don't want to be responsible for the boy to pass from hypothermia, do you?”

“I–no. Fine. Let’s do this.” 

Eddie was sure Gerrard wouldn’t miss a step. Sure, he was old, but that just meant he was more experienced, right? He knew how to secure a harness. Nothing bad was going to happen. Buck gives him an encouraging thumbs up from where he was talking with Hen and Chimney in the background, and Eddie sends him a shaky smile back. 

Swallowing back his nerves, he starts climbing down the mountain, keeping an eye out for Marcel. The sky lets out a threatening boom and the rain seemed to get even harder, if it was at all possible. He uses one hand to slick his wet hair back and searches, before spotting a blur on the jutted out edge besides him.

“Marcel? Marcel! Call back if you can hear me!” Eddie’s voice gets carried away with the thunderstorm, but as he eyes the blur for any signs of movement, he feels the harness rope get caught slightly as he attempts to reach down. With a frown he gives it a sharp tug, watching as it fixes itself and pushes the worry that brought him to the back of his mind,

“I’m over here!” A high voice shrieks, and Eddie's eyes widen as the blur comes closer and closer to the edge.

“Stay back! I'm coming to get you!” He shouts, heaving his way to the side, ready to latch on to the side and pull himself up, but–

The rope holding the harness slips down.

The thing is, Eddie never expected to fall in love.

All those years ago, when he first came to LA, he only had one hope in mind: to find Shannon. Despite knowing she wasn’t the one for him, despite all the signs from the universe that were screaming at him to let her go, he held on. She was his first love, the one person who saw the ugly gnawed parts of him he wanted to shield from the world and continued to love him anyways, until she didn’t. He supposes he can’t blame her, considering he ran away and left her in the dust at the first possible opportunity, but the sentiment still stands.

But then she died.

And he felt–he doesn’t know how he felt. He knows he felt bad for Christopher, heart aching as he broke the news to his heartbroken son who had just gotten his mother back. He knows he felt regret, for all the things left unsaid between them and the mourning of what could’ve been a beautiful partnership, not romantic, but–platonic. They had always been great friends. But something else he knows, something he buried deep inside of him through all this time was the sheer relief, that that part of his life was gone. That he could stop pretending, just for a second, that he was a man who was meant to be besotted for his beautiful wife, but could barely bring himself to look in the mirror after their nights together. 

He was so horrified with that part of himself that he did everything possible to avoid facing the truth of it. He repressed, and refused to believe that that deep dark part of himself existed, and spent his time wilting in the pressures of dating as a widowed man with far too many skeletons in his closet. 

But then there was Buck.

Buck, who squirmed his way into every aspect of Eddie's life before he could even blink. Buck, who never made Eddie feel less than for his failures. Who would look at him with that kind, never pitying, look in his eye, and the tightness in his brow as he let his emotions spill free and envelop Eddie in their warmth. Sometimes, Eddie considers prying his ribs open one by one and letting Buck gaze into the dark bloody depth of his insides, letting him bury his hand through his vessels and tissue and gently cup his bloody beating heart in his gentle hands, knowing Buck would never let any harm come to it.

In hindsight, it really was inevitable. He had never felt so soft and comforted in any relationships before, and of course it was due to his best friend. 

Frank had a lot of opinions about this.

Ones Eddie wasn’t so fond of, and ones that he couldn’t help but internalise. Specifically the ones about acceptance, and allowing yourself to feel what you feel. You deserve to want to be loved, and it’s clear that Buck fills that place in your life. 

Ever since Eddie had tugged on the string wrapping up all his emotions, all of them flooding out as the string unravels, he couldn’t believe that he never realised all these things about the man that he loves.

The way Buck winces in the cold air, massaging his leg and rubbing his hands together in the rare chills that overcame the city. The way his nose pinks up when he eats something cold, and the way he scrunches it like a semi-disgruntled rabbit when he tastes something unexpected. The way he could spend hours in the bath, relaxing with his collection of bath salts and bath bombs and Buck, are those rose petals? But hates the shower, rushing through his routine as quickly as possible because apparently the harshness of the water ruins his complexion. Eddie doesn’t see it, he thinks Buck’s perfect in every way. 

So, Eddie loves Buck. Eddie loves Buck more than he loves life itself, ever since that night where Buck got pinned underneath the fire truck, eyes watering in unbearable pain and Eddie felt the desperate urge to slip under himself so he could replace Bucks body with his, and felt his own leg throb in phantom pain whenever Buck would tighten his sweaty grip on Eddie’s own. 

So really, now when Eddie looks up from the edge of the cliff he fell on, leg disjointed and rain splattering on his face as he stares up unfocused into Bucks wide teary eyes desperately telling Eddie to Hang on, we’ve got you Eddie. Just hang on. You can’t- you can’t just give up, the only thing he could think of was how even if he dies, right this very second, he would die a content man knowing he got to experience at least a fraction of the love Buck holds in his big bleeding heart.

When Eddie comes to, it’s to an incessant beeping and the sound of harsh murmurs all around him. With a groan, he blearily opens his eyes, blinking away sleep and ready to rub his eyes before–oh. Someone was holding his hand. 

The fingers intertwined with his were warm and calloused, and the thumb was rubbing soothingly across the back of his hand so gently he had half a mind to pretend he was still asleep, but fortunately for his dignity the harsh chemical smell of hospitals flooded his nose and he instantly knew where he was.

When he finally opens his eyes it’s to the 118 huddled around his bed, Buck sitting on a plastic seat pulled in as far as it can be to Eddie's resting body. Chimney was perched on the edge of the bed, and Hen mirrored Buck on the other side, except her seat was a much more respectable distance apart. Bobby was nowhere to be seen, but muffled yelling was penetrating the room from outside the door.

“Sleeping beauty’s finally awake,” Hen says with an air of amusement, a soft smile gracing her features. Her glasses and clothes were dry now, and so were everyone else’s, come to think of it–except Bucks. He was still soaked in his fire uniform, navy blue looking almost black from precipitation.

“Mm… what happened?” Eddie asks groggily, watching with heavy lidded eyes as they all eyed each other.

Eventually, it was Chimney who spoke. “You fell off the side of the cliff. You were lucky it wasn’t further, but you were near the bottom so it was only a short distance. But don’t worry, the boy’s okay. It just turns out that–”

“It was Gerrard.” Buck interjects, voice thick with fury. “He didn’t secure your rope properly. I knew I shouldn’t have let him do it. I’m so sorry, Eddie, I should’ve–tried harder. Done more.”

“Buck. This wasn’t your fault. I told you to trust me, didn’t I? Besides, I–I had a feeling that he missed something, but I just- I don’t know. I didn’t think too much of it.” Eddie admits, forcing the words out through the fogginess of his mind. He needs Buck to know.

“It wasn’t your fault either, man,” Chimney shifts his gaze from Buck to Eddie, eyeing him earnestly. “Gerrard should’ve known better. He’s really getting it now–Bobby’s drilling into him outside. On the plus side, there’ll be no choice but to reinstate him as captain. There’s no way Gerrards keeping his job now.”

“I’d say I feel bad for the man, but I really don’t. I mean, how hard is it to properly secure a rope? It’s like, one of the first things you learn when you’re a probie.” Hen comments.

“It’s completely irresponsible, that’s what it is. I mean, he’s literally our captain.” Buck adds, brow furrowed.

With a heavy hand, Eddie knocks it up and forward, squinting in concentration as he reaches to brush his fingertips against the wrinkles on Buck's forehead. “Don’t–don’t do that. You’re thinkin’ too hard.”

Hen silently laughs from where she sits, Chimney snorting in amusement. “Looks like someone’s still a little drugged up, doesn’t it.”

Eddie just blinks in her direction, brain lagging. “No. I’m just–he should worry less.”

Buck bites his lip and his mouth twitches in laughter, but there was something swirling in the depths of his eyes. “Okay, man. Just for you.”

“Good.”

Bobby then enters the room, looking dishevelled, but there was a lightness to his features that wasn’t there before.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Eddie. I’m sorry you had to–hear that.” He gestures behind him to where Gerrard was stalking off.

Eddie just smiles sleepily. “All good. Get him again for me.”

Bobby chuckles in confusion and eyes Hen in concern, nodding in understanding as she swirls a finger against the side of her temple with an exaggerated expression to her face.

“Alright. Look, I need to get going. So do they, actually. Technically we’re still meant to be on shift, and I can’t run a firehouse without any firefighters, yeah?”

With a nod, Chimney jumps off the bed and blows an exaggerated kiss to Eddie. “Love you. Text me later.” And Hen leans in for a quick hug and rubs his back, “Me too. And remember what I said,” she finishes with a wink as they file out the room.

Eddie turns to the man remaining next to him with a frown. “Aren’t you leaving, too?”

“No,” Buck shakes his head. “Bobby gave me a few days off, now that he can actually do that. You’re going to be on bed rest for a little, so I’ll help out by the house, yeah?”

“Won’t–won’t Tommy mind?”

“It doesn’t matter, even if he does. You’re my best friend. He needs to learn to deal with it.” Buck says darkly.

Eddie frowns, but doesn’t comment. It’s not really his place, especially due to his feelings for the man. He doesn’t want to fuck up their relationship due to his own selfish desires.

They let the silence envelop them for a little, the hand still in Eddie’s palm, Buck's hand, remaining it's comforting caress. There was something peaceful about being alone in a room with Buck, knowing he could let his guard down and not have to be Eddie the father, Eddie the big strong firefighter. He could just be Eddie. Sometimes he thinks he feels more at home with Buck than his own sparse bedroom. 

With a jolt, he remembers his little friend still in his house. “Buck.”

“Hm? You okay?”

“No, not you. The other Buck. I just left her alone for god knows how long. Shit.”

“Hey, it’s–it’s okay. Do you need to up your meds? I’m right here. And I’m a boy.”

“No.” Eddie says, frustrated. “I have a cat. She’s–her name's Buck. Fuck. And no one even knew about her to take care of everything while I was–here.” His voice, embarrassingly, gets choked up at the end of the sentence. It’s just–what good of a pet owner is he to just forget his cat. He can imagine her big wide innocent eyes looking at him, trusting him, and he just completely failed her. Left her to starve. Typical.

“You–have a cat? And she’s named Buck? Wait–nevermind. That’s besides the point. I can call Martha to check, yeah? She has her own cats, she’ll have food and stuff.”

Martha was Eddie's elderly next door neighbour, a lovely old woman with a penchant for pickling the weirdest of foods and giving them away to the neighbourhood. Buck first met her when Eddie shared some of the pickled grapes she gave him and Buck got weirdly fascinated with the idea. 

“Are you sure? I don’t want–I don’t want to inconvenience her or anything,” Eddie chews on his lip.

“Eddie, you’re literally in a hospital bed. And I’m not leaving you, so. We have no choice. And you know how much she loves pets, she’ll love it.” Buck pulls up his texts with her, flashing the screen in Eddie’s face. “Look, she even said she’ll send pictures of–her. Of Buck. Your cat’s going to be okay, Eddie. It’s only been a day. You didn’t–hurt her, or anything.”

“Good. I–thank you. For all of this. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Of course, man. You know I’d do anything for you.”

Eddie flashes a grateful smile in his direction, wilting a little inside. Yeah. That’s kind of the whole problem.

Chris (19:02)

Buck told me what happened

Chris (19:02)

Are you okay dad???

Eddie (19:32)

Hey Chris! I’m good, I promise. Just a little tumble, but I’ll be back to normal in no time.

Chris (19:35)

Buck said it was your captain's fault

Chris (19:36)

He called him a dickhead and that you were in hospital? Idk I just don’t want you to lie to me. I can handle the truth

Eddie (19:37)

I’m sorry, bud. Yeah, I’m in hospital. They have me in here for a sprained ankle, but I should be good in a few weeks. Nothing major though, nothing for you to worry about.

Eddie (19:38)

And I’m going to need to have a talk with Buck about the language he uses around you haha

Chris (19:39)

Dontttt he didn’t mean it. He was just stressed

Chris (19:40)

And I'm glad he told me. I don’t want to be left out of the loop, even if I’m not in LA right now. You’re still my dad

Eddie (19:41)

I love you, kid. Just know that.

Chris (19:42)

Dadddd

Chris (19:43)

I love you too, obviously.

Chris (22:56)

And I always worry for you, even when you don’t want me to. You’re my dad. 

The next few days go like this: Eddie wakes up to Buck by his bedside. They talk. Then the nurses come to check his ankle and his heart rate while Buck scours the cafeteria for food. Buck comes back. They talk again. Eddie falls asleep, again to Buck by his bedside, and repeat. 

Despite the repetitive nature of his hospital stay, Eddie could help but feel– okay with it. Something in his soul always felt restless, some pent up energy urging him to flee, to run, to move. But with Buck, that feeling seems to settle. Maybe, Eddie thinks as he watches Buck snuffle and snore, head leaning forward on the side of the bed, his nesting nature was because of Buck. Wouldn’t that just be typical. 

A nurse slips into the room holding a clipboard, ready to open her mouth before Eddie desperately shushes her, gesturing towards Buck. Her expression softens as she looks down, and tuts before sitting down in a spare plastic chair. 

“May as well get some sleep, that one. I don’t think I’ve even seen him close his eyes while he’s here.”

Eddie gives a half smile, folding that information away into the buck-sized cave in his heart like an ant bringing food back to its anthill. “Mm. What’s the clipboard for?”

She startles, looking down. “Oh–right. Well, you’ve been here for the required amount of time and your foot seems to be healing well, and barring no complications, it should be okay to send you home.”

“Really?” Eddie stumbles in the word, unable to hide the relief soaking his words. The gross hospital-like film coating his skin felt too much to bear for any longer.

She only laughs quietly, watching him carefully. “Yes. Of course, no strenuous activity, no– physical activity ,” she looks down at Buck pointedly, and Eddie feels his face heat up, shaking his head.

“No. We’re not–it’s not like that. He has a boyfriend,” Eddie says helplessly. 

“Really? You could’ve fooled me. Either way, you’ll need someone to stay with you for a little while considering there were some complications. Nothing major, but just as a precautionary measure.”

Eddie only nods, and leans over to sign the sheets she had brought over. The pen feels weird in his hand from disuse, and she quickly eyes what he’s written before leaving with a smile.

Buck takes this opportunity to wake up, murmuring sleepily to himself as he yawns and runs a hand through his sleep-mussed hair. Eddie thinks he’s never looked more beautiful.

“Hey, sleepy head.”

“Mm... What–what time is it?” Bucks words get interrupted by a yawn, and Eddie takes the moment to take a quick glance to the wall.

“Just past six. If you’re wondering how long you’ve been asleep, I actually have no idea. But I have good news.

“What?”

A grin spreads across Eddie’s face. “I get to go home. Finally. I just got told, but I need someone with me, and–I don’t know, I kind of just assumed–you could? It’s totally okay if not, though. I can get Pepa to.”

Buck shakes his head adamantly. “Of course I can, man. No need to call Pepa.”

They share a smile before making all the necessary arrangements to leave. Eddie gets one last check over, and Buck hounds the doctor on call about all the dangers of the medicine Eddie’s been prescribed, but they finally manage to leave the doors of the hospital, leaving behind the stale air of injury. 

Buck nervously watches as Eddie fumbles with his crutches and his leg, covered in a thick walking boot, and Eddie has half a mind to tell him to stop hovering. But that would mean having Buck’s attention off of him, and Eddie absentmindedly thinks he would rather chop off his own limbs.

Once they get settled in Buck's car, Eddie in the passenger seat and Buck by the wheel, not even needing to pull up the GPS to find Eddie’s house, Eddie gets some time to consider the car he hasn’t been in for– five weeks? He kind of can’t believe it. Either way, the passenger seat, Eddie’s seat, didn’t really feel like his anymore; the incline was wrong, the seat was too far back, and the air vents were all pointing towards him blasting cold air. Just another painful reminder of all the ways Buck and Eddie hadn’t been BuckandEddie recently.

Buck eyes the way Eddie fidgets with all the settings with amusement lacing his features. “Not comfortable?”

“No. I don’t know what dick you’ve been driving around but there’s absolutely no need to have the controls like this. And the seat. It’s like I’m laying down.”

Eddie notices the way Bucks smile turns strained. “It–yeah. Tommy likes the cold.”

Eddie only hums in acknowledgment as they settle into a silence, ticking of the turn signal permeating the air. It felt–off kilter.

“So, about–”

“I kind of–”

They share a laugh, glancing each other.

“Sorry–you were going to say?” Eddie says.

“No–nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“…Alright? I was just going to point out it’s going to be your first meeting with my cat.”

Buck shifts in his seat, nervous expression completely melting to excitement. “Yeah! I hope she likes me. Cats are so fucking cool, like–did you know that their purrs can literally heal bones? It’s to do with the frequency…”

And Eddie does nothing but listen to Buck continue, adding in little comments and interjections here and there, but content to watch the way his eyes light up and the way his hands gesture off the steering wheel.

Once they arrived, it was nearing night and the rain had faded to a light patter. 

“This rain is insane, right? I didn’t even notice when it started but now it feels weird if it stopped.” Buck comments as they walk to the front door, Eddie exhausted from the day and ready to collapse onto his bed. 

“Mm. Yeah,” Eddie replies, fumbling through his pockets as he searches for his keys. Buck stops him with a frown, and reaches to get his own.

“Don’t worry about it, man. I’ve got a set. Hold on,” and he swings open the door.

They were immediately met with a black splodge stumbling over to Eddie, meowing loudly and incessantly as her cast drags along.

“Aw. You didn’t tell me you guys matched now, oh my god.” Buck laughs slightly, excitement easily visible from strong capable hands trembling slightly as he reaches to pick her up and hold her against his chest, speaking in a baby voice. “Hi Buck. You’re so cute, aren’t you.”

Eddie watches the interaction while his heart thumps even harder inside his chest, and seems to expand with the pure amount of love he holds for the man in front of him. If he was a weaker man, he’d reach in and mould himself to the shape of Buck’s body, breathing in the scent of his deodorant and begin purring like the literal cat Buck holds in his arms. Unfortunately for Eddie's overactive imagination and fortunately for his dignity, he doesn’t. But he does step inside and immediately collapse on the sofa, leaning his head back with a groan as his neck lets out an audible crack.

“Man. I’m exhausted.”

Buck snorts from where he turns the corner, flipping on the standing lamp by the TV. “Yeah, I can tell. You look dead on your feet.” Cat Buck was let go now, and she fumbled her way up to Eddie’s lap, and he gently strokes his hands down his back, watching the way she flops to the side and melts into his hands.

Eddie looks up to see the way Buck seems to freeze, hot flush up his face and eyes sparkling as he stares at them. “What?”

Blinking, Buck seems to snap out of it. “N–Nothing. I’m just–gonna grab a beer.” And with a gesture of his thumb behind him, he turns on the spot and walks out the room.

Eddie frowns, and watches the way the kitten on his lap stares at him with beady dark eyes. “What was that all about, huh?” He murmurs as she extends her neck for him to continue to stroke her. “Bucks acting a little weird.” His voice turns exaggerated, not dissimilar to the way he’d speak to Chris when he was younger.

Buck returns holding a singular beer, already half drained and collapses next to Eddie. 

“None for me?” Eddie asks with a frown.

“Nope. Doctor said not to, because of the meds you’re prescribed. No mixing with alcohol.”

Eddie groans, “Fine. Didn’t want one anyways,” and Buck lets out a snort of his own.

“Sure you didn’t.”

“God. These crutches, man. I don’t know how Chris does it.” Eddie says mournfully after a pause, eyeing the offending equipment resting next to him.

“Speaking of Chris, did he–I mean, have you–heard from him? By any chance?” Buck chews on the inside of his cheek as he asks, furrowing his brow and glancing nervously in Eddie’s direction.

“Yeah,” Eddie blushes slightly, tracing circles on his thigh, feeling the sweat-pant material under his fingertips. “He actually–we talked, a bit. I told him about Buck the cat. And then he asked about me. He said–Buck, he said he loves me.”  

“Eddie, that’s–that’s amazing.” If it were anyone else, Eddie would think they were mocking him, but he knew Buck wouldn’t do that, he knows Bucks aware of the importance of those words to him after the way they left things, and by the way the man leaned forward earnestly, eyes wide, he was equally as happy. “I’m so happy for you. I mean, I know he–” and then Buck clamps his mouth shut, looking to the side.

“Buck.” Eddie says exasperatedly. “I know you’ve been talking to him regularly, man. It’s not–it’s okay. I’m not mad or anything. I’m glad he has someone he can trust like that.” 

Bucks cheeks pink up as he takes another sip of his beer. “I’m–yeah. It’s not like we talked about anything serious, I would’ve told you if we did. It was just random stuff. I think he’s preparing to–yeah.”

Eddie eyes him, but lets the subject drop. He doesn’t want to pry information about his son out of Buck. It’s not his place. He reaches to the front table to grab the remote control, and turns on some random rerun of a sitcom. It feels strangely familiar, and he gets a feeling of Deja vu to the night Chris left. The night everything started.

It’s in moments like these–moments where he can just be, that gives him peace. It feels as though the shattered remains of his soul slowly get strewn together, pulling together like magnets to form a mosaic of his life experiences and emotions and everything that makes Eddie, Eddie. 

His breath comes easy to him in the dim warm light of the room. He stretches out, careful of the cat sitting on his lap, and just closes his eyes in comfort, letting himself revel in Bucks presence. The warmth of Buck's care wraps around Eddie’s damaged bleeding heart in bright tendrils of love and simply squeezes, and Eddie feels as though maybe, just maybe, life is worth living. If he gets to experience these moments again, maybe the future won’t be as bleak as it seems. 

Eddie looks over at Buck, head still leaning back, and watches the colours of the TV paint his features and his eyes, dark in the low lighting, reflect the scenes. He watches the way Buck subconsciously mouths along to the show, so replayed he’s got it memorised and how his mouth quirks when a laugh track floods the room.

“I’m glad we can talk to each other again,” Buck says quietly. “I don’t know, I just–you’re too important for us to fade just like that.” 

“I’m sorry.” Eddie offers. “It’s been–tough. But I know you don’t mean to–to leave me. Alone. It’s just the way things go.”

Buck shakes his head frantically, leaning even closer to Eddie, close enough for Eddie to see each freckle and acne scar dotted on his face. He smells the beer on his breath. 

“It’s not. It’s not the way things are meant to go. You’re the most important person to me. Fucking- Tommy, or whoever, doesn’t even come close. It’s you-” Buck breaks off, swallowing, staring at Eddie directly in the eyes. Eddie feels mesmerised by the way Buck’s eyelashes flutter slightly.

The show seems to quieten, and the pounding of the rain on the windows dim. “It’s me, what?” Eddie breaths, heart pounding and mind racing.

“It’s you who I–”

Chris (19:24)

Tía adriana took me to the lake today

Eddie (19:37)

Really? How was it?

Chris (19:39)

It was good. A bit cold

Chris (19:40)

She also said you used to go with mom?

Eddie (19:41)

Yeah, bud. It was like our place, almost. We’d spend all our time there. We’d go out on a little sailboat we found, did Tía show you that as well?

Chris (19:42)

She did

Chris (19:43)

The small one painted green, right?

Eddie (19:44)

That’s the one

Eddie (19:45)

We loved that boat. She called it her safe place, she’d always be there when things got hard

Chris (19:46)

You mean when she was pregnant with me? 

Eddie (19:47)

Don’t say that, buddy. You were never hard on her

Chris (19:48)

Sure

Chris (19:49)

I meant more as in Abuelo and Abuela

Eddie (19:50)

Have they said something?

Chris (19:51)

Not really? Idk. I just get the feeling they don’t like her much. Which is weird, because you never stop praising her

Eddie (19:59)

She was my wife, bud. And your mother. 

Chris (20:00)

God, dad, I know all that. I just want you to be honest with me

Chris (20:01)

Everyone always tells me how I should feel about her. But like, I don’t know how I actually feel. I just want to talk about her without being fed what people think I should hear.

Eddie (20:02)

I’m sorry, Chris. I’ll stop

Chris (20:03)

It’s fine, I guess. Can you tell me about her? No bullshitting?

Eddie (20:17)

What do you want to know?

Buck had meowed.

Buck had meowed from Eddie's lap, and the actual Buck, the Buck who was about to kiss him, shot up like a man electrocuted and stumbled backwards as if Eddie was–something bad. Something to run away from. 

He had then opened and closed his mouth a few times, blinking rapidly, before grabbing his phone from the counter and forcing out, I–Tommy. I have to–to go. Sorry. Bye. And leaving, again. 

Eddie felt the strange sensation of Deja vu returning.

Eddie (09:33)

Buck? I’m sorry. Let’s talk?

Anyways. Moving on. It had been a few days to no response, and Eddie had decided to turn over a new leaf with some prompting from Hen and Chim from their stints watching over him. Although it seemed like pulling teeth at first, mind prickly and unused to constant company after so many weeks of isolation rotting in his big empty house, he got used to the constant noise; it was almost enough to replicate the previous years with Chris and Buck making a racket in every room. 

Except for today. Eddie was officially off from monitoring, something he left the hospital with with a slight frown and an empty feeling in his chest, and was stuck in the large empty house once more. Luckily for him, he thinks as he stares mournfully at the complete lack of groceries gracing the fridge, he has to take Buck the cat to take her cast off. She had begun to despise the thing, often hissing at it when it caught on something and tried to bite its edges when she was feeling particularly agitated.

Eddie couldn’t help but relate, his own foot stuck in a boot that felt like an ankle monitor tying him down to his own four walls.

So, he manages to wrangle Buck into her crate, her being almost as slippery as human Buck felt nowadays, and begins the drive to the vets office, following faintly familiar roads that glittered in the heavy downpour. 

He lets himself feel the pang of rejection in his chest when he checks his messages with Buck while sitting in the waiting room, still seeing no change.

Eddie (16:25)

Are you serious? You’re really just going to ignore me?

The more Eddie broods about it, the more his upset builds up. Like, what the hell? Buck was mere seconds away from kissing him, telling Eddie–something. And then he just flees the second he gets the opportunity, leaving Eddie sitting at home like an option. A second choice. A mistake? Fear curdles in his stomach as he thinks, weighing the possibilities.

What if Buck thinks it’s a mistake? What if he regrets it? What if he went home to tell Tommy everything, about how Eddie tried to kiss him, make him cheat on his boyfriend? Because the more Eddie contemplates, the more he rethinks the whole night. Was it possible that he just made everything up? That Buck was just being his normal self- his normal platonic best friend self and Eddie just went and fucked it all up again, like usual? He doesn’t think so, but–he didn’t think he was fucking anything up with Kim, either. 

Maybe he should just stay away from relationships. Maybe he should just leave everyone be, and resign himself to a life alone. It’s not like he’d miss out on much, he already got married, had a kid, what more is there to it, really?

He ignores his lovesick mind screaming that Buck is what’s more to it. Buck would make you feel loved. He’d be the one making you feel complete, because he couldn’t do that to Buck, realistically. Buck deserves better than the trainwreck that makes up Eddie, and he has better. He has Tommy. His very real, very caring boyfriend, who didn’t deserve to be betrayed like this.

Eddie (17:03)

I’m sorry if I messed things up for you with Tommy. It was a mistake. 

He pockets his phone as another vet, a greying man, walks out holding Buck in his wrinkled hands. He deposits her into Eddie’s arms with a caring smile, not noticing the turmoil brewing beneath Eddie’s weak smile, and says you’re free to go! As if Eddie has anywhere to even be.

Eddie only smiles, says thank you so much, and leaves.

As they settle back into the car, he curses as he remembers the bereft food situation back at home and turns onto an exit advertising the Biggest Supermarket in America. Surely he’ll find something to eat here.

He contemplates leaving cat Buck in the car, but a memory flashes to him of one of his conversations with Buck while hospitalised. Something about not keeping pets in hot cars, Eddie. It’s super dangerous for them. So, with a heavy glance to the even heavier rain splattering down around them while the sun sets in the background, he grabs cat Bucks crate and rushes into the supermarket, rain soaking into his jacket.

Eddie wipes his feet on the mat, letting the constant air conditioning attempt to dry the dampness of his being and starts searching, unsure what to really look for. It was always Buck who cooks. Not anymore.

As he turns into a vegetable aisle after deciding to at least try to be a little healthy, he’s instantly met with a black and pink blur racing towards him with a high squeal.

“Eddie!” The blur crashes into his legs, Eddie almost toppling over on his boot, and takes a second to realise who just ran into him, and his heart sinks a little in nervousness.

“Jee! Don’t– Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Eddie.” Maddie apologises, brown hair pulled back messily and looking guilty as she watches him stumble.

“It’s–it’s okay, Maddie, I promise.” Eddie reassures, before looking down at the small girl hugging his legs, unable to stop a soft smile from spreading on his face as she looks up, bright cheesy grin directed straight at him. “Someone just got a little excited.”

“She doesn’t usually do this–I mean, you know. She’s just hit the running ages and has been begging to see her favourite uncle Eddie for ages, now.”

Eddie hums in acknowledgment, before putting down the crate and leaning down to lift Jee onto his hip with an over exaggerated groan, making her giggle loudly. Or at least, it would be over exaggerated, if he wasn’t currently injured. 

Maddie seems to notice his slight wince, and hesitantly leans in to help, but Eddie only shakes his head slightly.

“It’s okay, we’ve got a little escape artist on our hands, don’t we.” Jee squeals brightly at his words, and wiggles, not unlike cat Buck.

“Honestly, it’s just been Uncle Eddie this, Uncle Eddie that for the past weeks. You should’ve seen Buck's face when she first asked for you, Howie wouldn’t stop teasing him.”

Eddie’s smile falters slightly at Buck's name, and he releases Jee back onto the floor and watches as she gets immediately distracted.

“Are you okay, Eddie?” She asks, concerned. “You seem a little–off.”

“I’m okay, Maddie. It’s fine, it’s just–a lot kind of happened yesterday, and I’ve just been thinking.”

Maddie hums knowingly, a twinkle in her eye, and Eddie already regrets opening up. Why would he tell Buck’s sister? Surely she knows what he did.

“Kitty? Mom! Eddie has a cat!” 

Maddie raises her eyebrows. “A cat? When did this happen?”

“It’s kind of–a new thing. I found her when I was just driving, somewhere not far from here, actually, and decided to keep her. Why not, y’know?”

“Eddie. What’s the kitty’s name?” Jee demands, tugging on his pant leg.

Eddie already knows how this conversation’ll go. 

“Buck. She’s called Buck.”

“Like Uncle Buck.”

“Yep. Exactly like Uncle Buck. You can pet her, if you’d like. You can just open this hatch–here. Yeah, like that. Be gentle, okay? We just came from the vets. She might be a little nervous.”

Eddie and Maddie watch as Jee follows the instructions, giggling when Buck playfully swipes at her hand.

“So… Buck, huh.”

“It wasn’t–planned, exactly. But it’s too late now. It’s stuck.”

“I’m sure you naming your cat after my little brother doesn’t mean anything, right?”

Eddie feels heat rush to his cheeks slightly, and looks away. “It’s not like that. You know this, Maddie. He has a boyfriend.”

“What, Tommy?” She asks shrewdly. “Yeah, that’s not–I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

“That’s–I’m not–don’t say that, Maddie. He deserves to be happy.”

“Of course he does. You think I don’t want that for him? You know I do. I just can’t help my instincts telling me there might be someone else out there better suited for him.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Tommys great. He’s everything anyone should want for Buck.”

Maddie hums slightly, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. “Tommys definitely–something. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but is he right for Buck? That’s debatable.

Eddie frowns. “What do you mean?”

“You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed. Buck hates when people call him Evan, first of, and Tommy just kind of–demolished that barrier. And also with how he treats Buck. It kind of feels like Bucks just kind of being shown around like some sort of trophy wife, or something. He’s more than that. He deserves to be treated better than some man’s eye candy, you know? But he’ll never think that for himself.” 

Eddie’s not a liar, he’s definitely noticed. But it’s different when it’s Buck's own sister voicing everything Eddie’s felt for months, putting validity to his jealous thoughts. 

He has to control himself. Just because Maddie agrees, it doesn’t mean Eddie’s the man for Buck. Tommy isn’t the whole of LA, he’s just one man.

“I can’t tell you I haven’t noticed, exactly,” Eddie admits.

Maddie nods in triumph. “Yeah. I knew you’d agree. But, just between you and me, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about him for much longer.”

“Okay, now what does that mean?” Eddie asks, but Maddie only shakes her head with a soft smile and lifts a finger to imitate a shushing gesture. 

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Okay. Keep your secrets, that’s fine. What are you doing out here, anyways? It’s a long way from home.”

“America's biggest supermarket, remember? It has the really specific brand of peanut butter Howie adores, and I can buy all of Jee’s stuff in bulk. I discovered it when I was driving to Boston.” Her smile fades slightly, but it renews when she looks back at him. “A better question would be what are you doing here? You’re not one for drives, I’ve been told.”

“Buck. Has he told everyone?” Maddie shrugs apologetically. “But I–yeah. I don’t know how to explain it. Being at home just felt so stifling, you know? It just wasn’t–the best, for me. I felt like I needed to–”

“--get away?” Eddie nods. Maddie licks her lips in thought. “I’ve been there, you know. When I had Jee. I’m sure you’ve heard.”

“Yeah. Only a little, though. It’s your story to have.”

She smiles sadly a little. “I know. I know no one we know would betray my trust like that. But I’m just saying, from what you’ve told me, and from what I’ve heard, it doesn’t sound too different from how I was feeling. And I was clinically depressed.”

Eddie shuffles a little on the spot, resisting the urge to dig his palms into his eyes. “I’m not–I’m not depressed, Maddie.”

She just shrugs. “I’m not saying you are. I’m just saying, it’s okay to struggle. We all do. But some struggles are usual, struggles everyone goes through, and some are medical conditions that need clinical help. And that it’s okay to reach for that help.”

“I know that,” Eddie says uncertainly. 

“Do you?”

“Eddie. Long time no see,” Frank comments. 

Eddie sits down. He stares at the all too familiar room, and he breathes.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. Healing is never linear, and it’s okay to have setbacks. Would you like to talk about what leads you back here?”

“I think I’m depressed. And I think–” he pauses, watching the way Frank notes something down on his page. He thinks about what he’s about to admit, thinks of all the nights he’s spent despondent in his room, in the firehouse, in the army, in his parents house. Thinks of Shannon yelling at him, as he says he needs help. Thinks of his dad, telling him Boys don’t cry and his mother forcing him out of bed all those days he felt glued to the covers.

“I think I need help.”

When Eddie arrives back home, he feels exhausted. The all too familiar sensation of therapy beating out all the energy out of him encases his body, and he’s just left feeling drained.

He walks to the couch and falls against it. He had his book taken off a few days ago. Cat Buck had celebrated the day by constantly attacking his newly exposed foot, leading him to put her in ‘air jail’, and sent a picture to Chris who laughed, and Buck who liked the message.

That was kind of the extent of their communication. They had only one shift since the situation  happened, and it felt so awkward and stilted Eddie felt like throwing himself off the ladder of the fire truck just to get him to notice him. Eddie felt like a little kid, so desperate for attention from the one person who he wants it from more than anything, and distantly wonders if this is what Buck felt like his whole childhood. 

Despite the near constant ache from his heart, Eddie feels–better. He knows he made the right decision going back to Frank, and makes a mental note to thank Maddie for the push in the right direction. He definitely needed it. 

He told the rest of the team, too, over dinner at the firehouse during a sacred q-shift. Bobby already knew of course, he had been the one who filed the paperwork, but his proud smile melted Eddie even further. Hen had immediately enveloped him in a tight hug, and he can’t be too sure, but he thinks he felt some wetness from where she had rested her head on his shoulder. He made sure to hold on just that extra bit tighter. Chim also didn’t fail to show his pride, giving Eddie a solid, comforting slap on the back and his bright grin as he said “I couldn’t be any more proud of you, man.”

Buck was–well, he was Buck. He couldn’t contain the encouragement in his smile as he heard the news despite the awkward tension between them, and Eddie felt his heart leap out of his chest in affection when he gave him a double thumbs up from his seat while Eddie held onto Hen. If Eddie’s eyes watered slightly, no one called him out for it.

Now, it was Monday evening and Eddie felt the exhaustion bleeding into his eyelids. Just as he’s about to succumb to sleep, ready to end the day, he hears the shrill sound of his doorbell and the jangle of keys.

Once upon a time, Eddie’s thoughts would immediately go to Chris, but he knows he can’t let himself dwell on all his regrets, now. Frank’s influence. His second thought was Buck, and he feels his heart drop to his stomach in fear as he hears him stomp to the living room.

“Buck?” He calls out nervously, dreading the conversation.

“Eddie.” Buck was windswept and beautiful, cheeks and nose pink and hair scattered with raindrops reflecting the light in the room to form a sort of golden halo. “We need to talk.”

Eddie sits up, stomach churning, “Do we have to?” He asks meekly, pushing back the embarrassment at how pathetic he sounds.

“Do we have to?” Buck splutters, unwrapping his scarf from his neck. “Are you–actually, no, this isn’t okay. We do have to talk. I refuse to lose you, Eddie. And, listen. I’m sorry for how that night turned out, but that doesn’t mean we have to stop being friends.”

Eddie listens to the words, swallowing as he registers their implication. So he does think it’s a mistake. “I’m–sorry, Buck? I promise I won’t do it again. I shouldn’t of–yeah. It was a mistake. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to mess things up.”

“Eddie,” Buck groans, flopping down beside Eddie. “I’m not saying this is your fault, god, if anything, it’s mine. I just couldn’t–whatever. I should be the one apologising. I took advantage of you. You were in a vulnerable state, and I didn’t–I’m sorry.”

“What? No, Buck. How is that your fault? I’m the one who was being selfish. You were just trying to be a good friend, I’m the one who took advantage of you.”

Buck scoffs, and mouths the words friend as he stiffens on his end of the couch. Eddie frowns.

“What?”

“Friend. Right. God, Eddie, I just–you can’t seriously be this clueless.”

“What the hell are you talking about? You’re not making any sense. We almost kissed. You have a boyfriend . I am the home wrecker in this situation. It’s my responsibility.” Eddie says frustratedly.

“And I’m telling you, Eddie, no it’s not.” Bucks voice raises as he speaks, voice hardening. “You can be so fucking clueless sometimes, it’s unbelievable. Can you just accept that it’s my fault? I was the one who leaned in, and I know you think it’s a mistake, don’t worry. I won’t do it again. Fuck.”

“You’re not listening to me. I am the single man here, I shouldn’t have–encouraged you, or whatever. And what do you mean, I’m the one who thinks it’s a mistake? Don’t you?”

“Obviously, I don’t. I’m literally the one who tried to kiss you, Eddie. What about that makes you think I think it’s a mistake?”

“Because you have a boyfriend? Because oh, I don’t know, you had a beer and we were speaking for the first time in ages, and you could’ve gotten confused? And stop saying I’m clueless.” Eddie snaps, tiring of the conversation quickly. Is Buck okay? How on earth is any of this making sense? 

“No I won’t, actually, because you’re the fucking idiot who can’t see I’m clearly in love with you!” Buck yells, neck flushed with emotion and voice breaking on the last part of the sentence. He drops his head into his hands and takes in a shuddering breath.

Eddie sits, dumbfounded, as he processes the words. Buck is in love with him? But that’s–no–

“No, you’re not.”

Buck lifts his head from his hands slightly, turning to look at Eddie in exasperation. “What do you mean, no, I’m not? I’m the one who tried to kiss you. I did it because I wanted to. In what world does that not scream I’m in love with you.”

“But that’s–no–no. You can’t be in love with me, because I’m in love with you.” Eddie gestures towards them, mind reeling.

“You’re what? You’re in love with me? Why the fuck did you say it was a mistake, then?”

“I was afraid. You literally ran away, and then ignored me when I wanted to talk. How else was I meant to take it, other than rejection? I thought I just blew up our friendship.”

“Eddie,” Buck stresses, “you could never do that. Don’t even think about it.” He sniffs, and rubs his hands against his face. 

Buck starts again, slowly. “So. Let me get this straight. You’re in love with me. I’m in love with you. And- neither of us regret the almost kiss? So why the fuck are we in this situation?”

“Tommy,” Eddie hisses. “Your boyfriend. Who you love.”

Buck blinks a little, before falling back, laughing slightly hysterically. Eddie sits up in concern.

“I can’t–” Buck gasps breathlessly, “I can’t believe I forgot about him.”

“Buck.” Eddie hisses again, unable to restrain the smile spreading across his face, and he whacks Buck on his thigh. “What do you mean, you forgot about him?”

“I don’t know! Stop! Stop hitting me!” Buck shrieks, trying to get away as Eddie grabs a pillow this time. “He just–he means nothing to me. Nothing compared to you. I tried, I really did, but he–he’s just so boring.” 

Eddie tries to contain his grin, lip wobbling. “You can’t just say that, Buck. Oh my god.”

“It’s true! I spent like–literally all of our dates thinking of you. About how much more interesting you’d be, how much better you’d treat me, how much better you’d fuck–”

Eddie leans in to shut him up, pressing their lips together earnestly, stalling the rest of Bucks sentence. Buck doesn’t seem to mind, reciprocating with enthusiasm as he reaches an arm to touch Eddie’s back, sliding his hand under his shirt and pulling them even closer together. Eddie hums into the kiss, following Bucks movements and ending up straddling Bucks lap, hands on either side of his neck. 

They pull back, panting. Buck laughs softly and wipes his mouth with one hand, the other coming to rest on Eddie’s hip.

“God. That was a kiss. You’re telling me that’s what we’ve been missing out on?”

Eddie snorts, raising his hand to cup and stroke Bucks cheek, which heats under the attention, and stares into his dilated pupils, rimmed with the bright blue he loves.

“Don’t get greedy, now. That’s just the beginning.”

Bucks smile dims at the word greedy, and he bites his lip as he looks to the side, letting out a false laugh. “I–yeah. I know.”

Eddie frowns. “What? Buck, where’s your mind going, hm?”

“I just–I know I can be–a lot, I guess. I don’t want you to regret this. You need to know what you’re getting into.”

“Buck. That’ll literally never happen. I want your a lot. I want it all. Give it to me.” Eddie softens, and uses one hand to play with the hairs at the back of Bucks head

“That’s what they all say.” Buck jokes, scoffing slightly.

“But I’m the one being serious. Listen to me, Buck. Buck.” Eddie tilts his head to face him, waiting until their eyes meet. “I will never get sick of you. It just won’t happen. And I’m sorry people have–said that, in the past.”

“It’s not that they’ve said it, really. It’s just been kind of–implied.”

“Buck. I would literally crawl into your heart, if you’d let me. I’d make a little space for myself, and never leave, if it were physically possible. These past few weeks have been hell, if you haven’t noticed, and I’m kind of a mess, but genuinely. One of the only things that’s kept me going is you.”

“I–really?” Buck's eyes were wide and hopeful, and Eddie thinks he would watch countries burn if it meant keeping him happy.

“Yes.” 

They look at eachother quietly for a moment, breaths mingling between them as they just–take a moment, to appreciate each other's presence. Eddie feels his heart squeeze in affection as Buck pants.

Eddie shoots up suddenly, remembering something. “Tommy.”

Buck frowns. “What about him?”

“He literally–he still thinks you’re dating, right? I don’t–I can’t” Eddie bites his lip. “Buck. Are you sure you want to do this?”

Buck eyes him shrewdly. “Is this your way of saying you don’t want to do this?”

“No. Definitely not. I just–I don’t want you to regret this. Regret choosing–me. I know you said what you said, but you chose him first. That has to be for a reason, right?”

“I–” Buck thinks for a second, thumb rubbing circles into Eddie’s thigh. “I chose him because I thought I couldn’t have you. You wouldn’t even believe how long I’ve wanted you. So when I got the chance to be with Tommy–someone so like you, I thought I had to take it. Because I could settle with him, I guess.”

“Should I be offended that you think I’m like the most boring man ever, according to you?” Eddie comments lightheartedly.

“Don’t even say that. You could never be boring. But—listen. I tried so hard to be happy with him. I tried so hard for so long, and it just kind of–I convinced myself he was it, for me? Like, I wouldn’t ever get anything better, so there was no point trying.”

Eddie gives Buck a soft look, watching his eyes slightly water, and uses his thumb to wipe at them. “You deserve better. You deserve everything you want, and if that’s me, then I’ll spend my whole life trying to be worthy.” he says quietly like a vow, a prayer to the most important man he’s had the honour of meeting.

Buck surges up for another kiss, harder this time, and pours his heart and soul into their connection. Eddie, distantly, thinks that this is the feeling of love he’s been missing his whole life.

When Buck pulls back, he has watery eyes and mussed hair. “Eddie,” he whispers into the quiet of the room. Eddie hears Buck the cat scratching her claws against the side of the couch. “You’re already enough.” 

And that–breaks Eddie, a little, because he’s spent lifetimes wanting to be worthy, wanting to be normal , to be enough for someone, so when he leans in to cry against Buck’s shoulder, great heaving sobs escaping his chest, it kind of just feels like coming home. 

Chris (10:09)

Can I come back home?