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It starts with a Benadryl and dissolves into chaos from there.
See, here’s the thing, Travis turns out to be severely allergic to bee stings. He gets stung one day, and then his whole hand swells up, and even though they take the stinger out, the reaction is still there. It’s only the morning, so, Akilah gives him a Benadryl.
Only three minutes later, Travis falls asleep. They try to wake him, with gentle nudges and shakes, but he’s out for the count.
Then the main problem arrives - they need food, but they can’t just send Nat out on her own, it’s not safe. Nat argues, of course, but the other girls disagree. Lottie asks for a volunteer and all the girls glance at each other before Jackie raises her hand.
( “You’re kinda useless out here,” Shauna’s voice hisses, “the other girls are starting to notice.” )
Nat rolls her eyes, and Jackie tries not to take too much offense at it. Still, Nat shrugs on her jacket and Jackie follows her out until the wilderness.
And it begins as simply as that.
one
Jackie isn’t the worst shot in the world, but it doesn’t make her good either. She lets Nat keep the gun, humming under her breath. Nat shoots her a glare every now and then, but most of their journey goes quietly.
Until Nat abruptly stops and shoots her a death glare.
“Can you shut up?” Nat hisses.
“Oh! Am I scaring the animals?” Jackie lowers her voice to a whisper.
“No, I’m just gonna shoot you if you don’t shut up,” Nat retorts.
Jackie pouts, shutting her mouth. Her brain gets loud sometimes, her thought-patterns spiraling and repeating themselves until they’re a thundering chorus. It was easy to ignore when they were in Wiskayok, as she neatly fell into her role as team captain and knew exactly the rules and expectations everyone placed on her.
It’s harder out here, where she’s practically useless. She doesn’t know how to adapt like the others do, doesn’t know how to leave the civilized part of her behind that loves manicures, and curling her hair, and showers. So, her brain gets loud, and she knows she’s not fitting in, not like how she did before.
Jackie doesn’t tell Nat that though, she doesn’t think the other girl would care. Instead, she picks at her cuticles as they walk, peeling the thin sliver of skin by her pointer finger until she bleeds. The pain distracts her, even if only minutely.
“What do you and Travis do out here all day?” Jackie asks, some amount of time later.
Nat doesn’t even glance at her, “We look for food.”
“You guys don’t like, fool around?” Jackie tilts her head, “Aren’t you, like, together?”
Nat scowls at her and flips her off. Jackie pouts, “I’m being serious.”
“If I give you a serious answer, will you shut up for the rest of this trip?” Nat concedes.
Jackie nods, miming zipping her lips closed.
“Sometimes,” Nat shrugs, a pretty pink blush appearing on her face, “but it’s not serious. We just, like, kiss. And you can’t tell anyone about it!”
“Is it nice?” Jackie asks, thinking about her disgust when she used to kiss her ex-boyfriend Jeff.
“Yeah,” Nat goes for nonchalant, but misses, “why? You wanna kiss Trav too?”
“What if I want to kiss you?” Jackie blurts out.
Silence. Nat falls into laughter, laughing so hard she has to stop and keel over. Jackie doesn’t laugh though, because even though she didn’t mean to say that, she’s kind of serious. Actually, she’s really serious about it.
Jackie thought about Nat before, about tangling her fingers in her hair, about kissing her softly. Nat’s been through a lot of pain in her life, and Jackie wants to try and make it better. It’s not love, not even close, but she thinks about it, sometimes, when it’s late at night and she’s alone. She thinks they could be good together if they ever tried.
“Good one,” Nat wipes her eyes, “now no more talking, we need to move.”
Jackie obeys, going quiet, and continues to pick at the skin around her nails.
two
Travis’s hand is still swollen the next day, so they give him another Benadryl and let him rest. Nat nudges Jackie awake, and the two set out again.
Once they’re a mile away from camp, Nat stops and hands the gun to Jackie.
“What are you doing?” Jackie frowns.
“Got to teach you how to shoot if you’re joining us,” Nat shrugs, “let me set up some targets.”
She looks around the forest, finding a pile of pinecones and setting them down across the clearing on a log. Jackie examines the gun in her hands, shifting the weight around. She doesn’t know if she can kill anything, to be honest, she doesn’t know if she has it in her. She can’t even think of blood without growing nauseous.
But if she can’t hunt, and she can’t butcher, she’ll die out here, she knows that. If she doesn’t try and adapt, the girls won’t put with her anymore. So, Jackie sighs, hefts up the gun until its digging into her shoulder, and clicks the safety off. She’s not good at shooting, but she watched Travis and Nat do it, on the first day and examined the steps they took.
Jackie looks down the barrel of the gun, closes one eye, then pulls the trigger.
She misses. It’s a little short, and the bullet scuffs part of the log underneath a pinecone.
“Honestly, not bad,” Nat tells her, “here, let me.”
Nat comes over, standing behind her. Nat reaches forward, her hands wrapping around Jackie’s, as her chest presses against Jackie’s back. Jackie tenses at that, her grip on the gun tightening, until Nat’s gentle fingers pry her grip open a little.
“The recoil’s always a bitch to learn,” Nat’s voice is quiet, and her warm breath tickles Jackie’s ear, “you have to control it. It should bump into your shoulder, and it might hurt, but you have to keep your grip steady.”
Jackie’s pretty sure she’s overly tense, especially with Nat’s body on hers. She tries to break the tension.
“Kiss for good luck?” Jackie murmurs.
Nat snorts, “In your dreams, Princess.”
Nat guides the gun over to the second target. Jackie tries to ignore the sting of rejection and ultimately resolves to keep her feelings buried between her second and third rib, and never speak of them again.
“Try again,” Nat says, “breathe, and then shoot.”
Jackie nods, taking a deep breath and concentrating on the hardness of the gun, and not the warmth of Nat. She looks down the barrel, then pulls the trigger. Bang! Where the pinecone was once is nothing.
She actually hit something. Nat lets her go immediately, and Jackie clicks the safety back on as she lowers the gun and turns. There’s a genuine smile on Nat’s lips, as she appraises her.
“Not bad,” for Nat, Jackie knows this is high praise, “now give it back.”
Their hands brush as Jackie gives the gun back, and Jackie tries to ignore the tingling in her palm. Nat doesn’t seem to be as affected, as she swings the gun onto her back.
“Ready to keep going?” Nat asks.
Jackie nods and Nat starts in one direction. Jackie trails behind her, her head buzzing, and trying to keep her feet steady underneath her.
three
The morning starts the same. Travis can barely move his fingers (although the swelling is much better), he gets another Benadryl, and then slumps over in his bed. Jackie follows Nat out, her stomach cramping and her head swimming with nausea.
She’s quiet as they walk, head in the clouds. Her stomach clenches with hunger, but she ignores it. Jackie sings the lyrics to Wonderwall in her head and tries to banish the cloud above her head.
“You okay?” Nat asks, a few miles in.
Truthfully, no - Jackie’s stomach hurts, nausea claws at her throat, and her feet ache from the blistering pace they walk every day. Her head is noisy, and the destructive thought-patterns she tries to push away are spinning and spinning around. But still, she just nods to Nat and keeps walking.
“We should stop,” Nat says, all of a sudden, and then sits down on a log.
“Why?” Jackie scrunches her nose.
“Because you’re being weird, ” Nat says dryly, “it’s like weird tension is hanging over us. The silence is off-putting, you normally don’t shut up.”
“Thanks,” Jackie retorts, sitting on the opposite side of the log, and rubbing her thumb against her pointer in a self-soothing manner.
“Okay, that’s what I mean! You never take that shit lying down,” Nat looks at her suspiciously, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m just in pain,” Jackie shrugs, “it’s my period.”
“Want me to kiss it better?” Nat teases.
Jackie’s stupid, little traitorous heart flutters at the words. She bites down on her lips, averting her eyes, and trying to ignore the fact her cheeks are bright red.
“Go for it,” Jackie murmurs.
Nat chuckles, “You’re funny, Jack. I didn’t realize how much until we got out here.”
Nat stands when Jackie says nothing. Jackie follows her a moment later, trying to ignore the dizziness in her head. She stumbles forward, and Nat is there to catch her, a gentle arm around her waist.
“Jesus, are you okay?” Nat actually looks concerned.
“Just dizzy, it’ll fade,” Jackie looks up at her.
Here in the forest, Nat looks immaculate, even though her hair is messy and there’s an old headband on her head. She looks down at Jackie, dark blue eyes full of nothing but concern, and Jackie wants nothing more than to kiss her.
“You can kiss it better,” Jackie repeats, daring her to do something.
Nat’s smile is quick but bright like the moon peeking out from behind the clouds. She moves her hand away and takes a step back. Jackie actually wants to throw up at that.
“We can stop anytime, but it looks like you’re feeling better,” Nat starts walking.
Jackie swallows her bile and follows her a moment later. You’re being a little freak, chill out, she hisses at herself. She picks at her nails, until blood flows down her finger, and then continues, until it drips onto the ground.
four
Jackie wakes up to arguing. She instinctually pulls the blanket over her face, but the arguing doesn’t get any quieter. Eventually, she peeks her head out, to see Nat and Travis standing by the door and yelling at each other.
“Oh, fuck you, Travis,” Nat snarls, shoving him.
“You’re one to talk, you fuck anyo-” Travis starts before Nat slaps him.
His head snaps to the right. The other girls are up, but silent. Nat’s chest heaves with exertion, and she scans the room.
“Jack, we’re leaving,” Nat commands.
Jackie stumbles out of bed, shoving her shoes and her coat on, and Nat’s already gone. She runs outside, to see Nat disappearing into the treeline, and rushes after her. Nat hasn’t gone far, and as soon as Jackie is within arms reach, Nat shoves the gun at her. Jackie fumbles but grabs it, putting it on her back.
Nat seethes beside her as they walk, and Jackie lets her. She doesn’t push her, just lets her set the pace of the conversation.
“Travis is such a fucking asshole,” Nat complains, “what the hell was I thinking?”
“What happened?” Jackie keeps her voice gentle.
Nat rolls her eyes, fists clenching at her side, “He was accusing me of fucking around with you.”
What? Jackie can’t keep the surprise off her face, “Seriously?”
“I know right? Insecure asshole,” Nat kicks at the ground, “not that it’s any of his business, even if we were.”
“But we’re not,” Jackie says feebly.
Nat glances over at her, her eyes unreadable, “Right.”
“Right,” Jackie responds.
Silence. Should I say a joke now? Jackie weighs the pros and cons.
“I mean, we could,” Jackie offers, “if you want to make him jealous.”
“Everyone knows you’re straight, I don’t think it’s very believable,” Nat says, but it isn’t a no.
“I’m not,” Jackie bites her lip, “straight. I’m…gay.”
“Oh,” Nat looks at her, “cool. Uh, me too, sort of. I, uh, like both.”
“Cool,” Jackie is content to leave it at that.
“Cool.”
They fall into an awkward silence after that, and eventually, Jackie breaks it by humming. Nat shoots her a glare, but it’s half-hearted and she doesn’t tell her to be quiet, so Jackie keeps humming. All of a sudden, Jackie stops and hears a branch break in the distance. Nat stops, a moment later, and Jackie hands her the gun.
She points, to see a deer in the distance. Nat’s grin is wicked, all sharp edges, like the blade of a knife. Nat clicks the safety off, hefting the gun up, then fires. Bang! The deer slumps over dead. Nat cheers, the happiest Jackie has ever seen her, as she runs over to her kill.
“Help me carry it back?” Nat asks and Jackie nods, trying not to look at the bloody hole where its eye once was.
They tie it to a stick, which they lift onto their shoulders. Blood drips onto her shoulder, and Jackie doesn’t look at it, pretending the blood is just sweat, and resisting the urge to throw up.
“Hey, Jack,” Nat calls, as soon as they’re within eyesight of the cabin.
“Hmm?” Jackie glances up.
“Maybe you’re like, my good luck charm,” Nat’s grin is beautiful, and Jackie wants to remember this moment forever.
“Maybe,” Jackie shrugs and Nat just chuckles.
five
They don’t go out the next day, reveling in their victory. The girls are happy, and spend most of the day just talking amongst themselves. Travis goes off, somewhere, but no one bothers to track him down. That night, they have a campfire, and Jackie can almost pretend they’re just in Lottie’s backyard, and not stranded somewhere in Canada.
Shauna presses her shoulder to Jackie’s as the night gets colder. Jackie lets her, even though the distance between them has grown since they were stranded. Still, Shauna’s her best friend, so Jackie smiles at her and says nothing.
Van begins to tell a spooky story, leaning back from the flames, and talking animatedly. Jackie takes that moment to stretch her legs, patting Shauna on the shoulder as she gets up.
“Want me to come with you?” Shauna asks.
“Nah, I’ll just be a few minutes, Shippy,” Jackie says.
She wanders off into the forest, away from the laughter and into the darkness. As she gets further away, the campfire fades from view and she’s alone. The wilderness is still loud, and she hears the chirping of crickets as she presses her back to a tree. Jackie closes her eyes, breathing in and out, and holding her necklace.
She’s changing, slowly but surely, but still can’t let go of the girl she was before. She’s not sure if she wants to. Jackie wants to cling to her humanity as much as she can. The girls are more relaxed today, but she knows it’s only temporary. Winter will be coming soon, and they need to stock up on food.
Or else, the thought comes suddenly. Or else what? What will they do? Jackie asks herself and she doesn’t have an answer. The girls are different, they aren’t the same people that Jackie once thought she knew. It’s not necessarily bad, but it’s difficult to wrap her head around. Jackie was so sure of herself in Wiskayok, and now it feels like she’s always one step behind.
“You good?” Nat’s gruff voice breaks through her thoughts.
Jackie opens her eyes, to see Nat standing in front of her. They’re close, close enough to touch, but Nat doesn’t move from her spot. Jackie nods.
“Just thinking,” Jackie shrugs.
“Spiraling, it seems more like it,” Nat teases, “wanna share?”
“It’s nothin’, I just feel…off I guess,” Jackie tells her, “don’t worry about it.”
“Someone’s gotta worry about you besides Shipman,” Nat tries for nonchalance but it comes off more like concern.
“Don’t tell me you care about me now, Scat,” Jackie smiles.
Nat frowns at her, “I’ve always cared about you.”
“Oh,” Jackie’s smile falls off her face, “sorry, I-”
“No, it’s fine. I think I’ve done a shit job of showing it,” Nat responds.
“‘S fine,” Jackie says, because it doesn’t hurt anymore, the distance between them. She’s accepted her feelings, and Nat’s, by now.
“It’s not,” Nat corrects, stepping closer.
A piece of hair falls in front of Nat’s eyes. Jackie wants to reach forward, curl the hair around her finger, and tuck it behind her ear. She reaches forward, fingers cautious, but Nat beats her to it and tucks it back. Jackie lets her hand fall.
“I, uh, wanted to apologize,” Jackie scratches the back of her neck, “I feel like I’ve been making you uncomfortable the last few days.”
“What do you mean?” Nat cocks her head.
“With the, like, flirting,” Jackie’s face flames, “sorry.”
“I didn’t mind it if I’m being honest,” Nat says honestly but somehow manages to still be cool and collected.
“Really?” Jackie leans forward.
Nat’s voice is raspy now, “Really.”
“Then, can I-” Jackie starts.
“Are you guys okay?” Tai’s voice echoes through the forest.
“Yeah,” Nat yells back then turns to her, “we should head back.”
“Y-yeah,” Jackie pushes herself off the tree.
They walk back in silence, their hands brushing in the dark. If Jackie was braver, she’d intertwine their fingers. But she’s not.
As soon as they’re back within eyesight of the cabin, Nat splits off, going toward Lottie. The moment’s gone.
Jackie heads inside, tucking herself into bed and resisting the urge to scream into her pillow.
+ one
They fall into a routine over the next week. Jackie joins Nat hunting, while Travis fucks off and does random chores. Jackie hums, while Nat pretends to be annoyed by it. They flirt, every now and then, but Jackie doesn’t chase her as much. She lets the hope of them being something die within her chest.
Food is getting scary low now, though, so today, they’re more tense than normal. Jackie hums, until Nat shoots her a real glare, and shuts up. Her cuticles have dried blood around them, but it’s become normal. She resists the urge to pick at them as they walk.
Nat’s hands shake, even from the few feet between them, Jackie can see it. She speeds up, holding out a hand.
“What?” Nat spits, aggravated for reasons that Jackie doesn’t know.
“You’re shaking,” Jackie says simply, “give me the gun.”
Nat scowls at her but hands it over. Jackie keeps it in her hands, as they continue walking. The weight is comforting, in a way. She feels useful.
It’s only a few minutes later when Nat stops her, pointing ahead to see a cluster of rabbits. Jackie knows she only has one shot, and after she fires the gun, the rest will scatter. She clicks the safety off. Hefts the gun up. Her hands shake.
Nat moves beside her, a comforting hand on her shoulder, when she speaks, it’s a whisper, “Breathe, Jack.”
Jackie inhales. Looks down the barrels. Pulls the trigger.
This time, she doesn’t miss.
The first rabbit slumps over, and she’s already cocking the gun, and aiming for another as it runs. She fires again, and the second one stumbles, before eventually stopping.
I killed something, Jackie thinks numbly as she clicks the safety off. She trudges over to the first rabbit, splattered with blood, and tries not to puke. She doesn’t think she’ll be able to eat it.
“Holy shit, you did it,” Nat’s voice is one of awe, with the other rabbit in her hand.
Jackie nods, still feeling conflicted as she stares down at the body. Nat doesn’t say anything more as she picks up the other body. Jackie keeps the gun in her hands, tightening her grip to ground herself.
“Does it get easier?” Jackie asks, minutes later on their walk back.
“Yeah,” Nat offers, “you kinda get numb to it.”
Jackie bites her lip, glancing down at the gun. She wants to survive, but she’s not sure if getting numb to taking a life will be easy for her. Nat sighs, dropping the rabbits and turning to her. She takes the gun and slings it over Jackie’s shoulder.
“You just fed the entire team, Jack,” Nat tells her, “you should be proud of it.”
“It feels weird,” Jackie says, honestly, “don’t worry about it.”
“I always worry about you,” Nat rolls her eyes, “and I know you worry about me. It’s kinda in the job description for us.”
Jackie hums. Nat reaches a hand up, cupping her face, and making their eyes meet. Her gaze is serious but still kind. Jackie leans into her touch, and Nat rubs her thumb against Jackie’s cheekbone.
“Want me to kiss it better?” Nat murmurs and it’s phrased like a joke, but she sounds serious.
Jackie dumbly nods and then Nat leans down and brings their lips together. It’s a soft, little thing and it takes Jackie a second to respond before she kisses her back. Their mouths meet, curious and gentle, and Nat smiles against her lips. Nat is the first one to pull back, her hand still on Jackie’s cheek.
“If it makes you feel better, I can kiss you every time you kill something,” Nat suggests.
Jackie can’t help her smile, “Will you kiss me even if I miss?”
“Maybe. You’re lucky you’re cute, Jack,” Nat teases.
Jackie kisses her again, just because she can. They stay like that for a few minutes, in a world of their own, trading soft kisses, before Jackie pulls back.
“We should get back,” she says and Nat nods.
Nat grabs the two rabbits in one hand, but she waits before leaving. Jackie falls into step beside her, and their fingers brush. Jackie glances down, before biting her lip and Nat intertwines their fingers. Jackie squeezes her hand.
When they get back, rabbits in hand, Shauna takes them with a smile and a knowing glint in her eyes. Jackie is still holding Nat’s hand, but neither girl makes a move to pull away, and Shauna says nothing.
“Let’s do it again tomorrow?” Nat glances over to her.
“It’s a date,” Jackie tells her, untangling their hands.
Nat just grins, her smile sharp but still as bright as the sun.