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Rosalina popped open a bottle of space cider in celebration of the end of this round of paperwork. Even better, it was payday.
“Your taxes, mama!” a luma chirped, bringing their beloved princess a bucket of a singular coin from each luma. It wasn't much compared to the revenue of other kingdoms, but with no bills to pay and a bottomless supply of magic, the coins added up swiftly.
“Thank you, dear.” She gave the taxing luma a handful of coins back. “Go buy yourself something nice.”
For the past few paydays, Rosalina had nothing to spend her money on. This week was different. This week, she decided to buy out the entire Warioware Inc catalog. She never even thought about Wario before, but her curiosity had been piqued by her recent adventures with his partner in crime.
She conjured up her pearl blue Gameboy Advance SP in one hand and readied a DM to Waluigi in the other. However, his status was idle and labeled “EARNING THAT MOLDY BREAD” at that moment just as it had been whenever he wasn't offline entirely. Rosalina sighed, backpedaled her unsent draft, and whisked her phone away into her pocket dimension to focus on her game.
He must be working hard, she thought. I wonder what he could possibly be doing…
Down on Earth, Waluigi was in a familiar, exhausting rush. Smoke pumped from his food truck as he sped down the highway exactly one mile over the speed limit purely out of spite.
With Wario out in Diamond City and busy with game development, it was entirely up to Waluigi to foot the bill on their New Donk City apartment. It wasn't cheap, but neither was moving. He couldn't wait to rig the city’s next election; as shady as Monty was, his economic plan sounded a hell of a lot more appealing than Pauline blowing all their tax money on elaborate musical numbers for her ex boyfriend.
His eyes briefly darted to the clock on his display. Shit, he couldn't be late for the 30th day in a row! He reached into the glove compartment for a convenient bob-omb and threw it in front of him. The semi truck immediately exploded into furious flames.
As Waluigi sped by the crime scene, he used his finger and his thumb to flash his typical Γ at the unfortunate drivers inconvenience by his trickery.
“SAYONARA, SUCKERS!”
Waluigi's first stop of the day was the medical district. The kitchen area of his food truck was perfect for a quick change into his costume of a doctor's outfit. Sure, he wasn't a licensed doctor or even employed as one, but he liked any excuse to wear a lilac lab coat.
He clocked in, leapt into his second favorite spinny chair, and began his long receptionist shift. A minute in and the phone was already ringing.
“WAAA you've-a reached Dr. Blooper's gynecology office, how may I help you.”
He took a moment to register the oddly familiar voice on the other end.
“...Mayor Pauline?”
“Yes,” she sighed. “I was calling about my test results?”
“Ah, let me see…” Waluigi dug through the endless droves of disastrously scattered paperwork (he thought his medical coworkers would be more organized than others, but his fellow receptionists were full of surprises). “What sort of test results?”
She murmured so discreetly that Waluigi could only just barely comprehend her.
“Mhm, okay, ah, Paul…Paula…Wah! There, Pauline!” He took a moment to read over the paper's contents. “Congratulations, madam!”
Pauline let out a well anticipated sigh.
“It came back positive!”
A piercing scream pierced his ear drum.
“WHA?! Oh, wait, that's bad, aah…” Waluigi furrowed his brow, trying to figure out any way to salvage this. “I'm sure chlamydia isn't so bad when you get used to it!”
All eyes were suddenly glued to Waluigi. His fellow receptionist’s jaw hung to the counter.
“...Uh, call us back when you're ready for a follow up appointment, ma'am.”
Well, that was an awkward first shift. But Waluigi had more important matters to worry about! His second shift of the day was at Super Mario World. Unfortunately, his already lengthy commute was clogged up by a fifty mile pile up caused by some idiot throwing a bob-omb directly at a gasoline truck that morning.
The delay would have been disastrous if his boss wasn't equally as late.
The gruff, middle-aged koopa huffed his cigar in the locker room. “The amount of fucking coins we lost, all because of ONE accident!” He took out his anger by putting out his cigar on the head of the toad janitor next to him. “Who the hell even drives in New Donk City?!”
Waluigi entered, already dressed in his white tank top and shorts. “You know, boss, I don't see the point of wasting me on the mascot! Surely, there are guests who would want photos with THE WALUIGI! We could even charge them extra for authenticity!”
The koopa lit another cigar, coughing through his laughter. “Ha! You make me laugh, purple guy! As if you'd be marketable! Now Wario, that's a name with value…if only you two were actually brothers.”
Waluigi huffed through his clenched teeth.
“Besides, purple guy, you're the only one that fits the suit just right.” The koopa boss propped his head on a duffle bag and his feet onto the janitor. “Just get suited up.”
Waluigi pulled the musky plumber suit from a rack. Once the false Luigi head was secured over his, he was ready to hurry up and get this over with.
“I didn't tell you to leave, purple guy.”
Waluigi slowly turned around. Oh god, the boss wasn't going to make him…not today of all days!
He pulled the mascot head off, catching his breath. “Boss, we're-a running late!”
The koopa laughed. “Then make it fast. I've had a rough day. You know what I want on rough days.”
Waluigi groaned, reluctantly pulling the head back on. The boss gave his janitor a swift kick. The unfortunate toad shakily connected the boss’ ipod to the speaker's aux cord and played the same song as always.
For what had to be the twentieth time that month, Waluigi threw it back to A Hard Day's Night by the Beatles, dressed as the very man he both envied and despised.
A shiver crawled up the koopa's spine. He pulled a bag of peanuts and threw them at him as usual. “That's right, dance for me, green guy! DANCE LIKE YOUR RENT DEPENDS ON IT!”
Once the boss was satisfied, the rest of the shift was relatively fun. Kids excitedly ran up to “Luigi,” took their photos with him, and left with photos they would forever cherish. It was the only time Waluigi ever felt downright adored. Even if he had to wear his enemy's skin to earn it, he was finally happy.
Still, the surrounding blocks, coins, and pipes that the little Mario dressed kids ran through only served as an artificial reminder that Waluigi had never gotten such an adventure, nor would he likely ever get one.
Once his shift was over, he collapsed against the steering wheel of his truck, weighed down by the very shadow he always lived in.
The sun hung low in the air. Planes from kingdoms across the globe delivered their passengers to legendary vacations and thrilling sites of adventure.
As travelers arrived and departed, Waluigi was stuck serving the most ungrateful of them coffee. His pain of the minute was a boo struggling to come up with her order.
“I, um, uhh…I'll…I-I'll have a…I'll have a…Oh I don't know…” she tapped the tips of her nubby hands together, blushing furiously.
Waluigi sighed and turned his back to the customer. He served enough boos to know exactly how they worked.
Her voice shot from a meek whimper to an aggressively energetic valley girl. “Like, one grande-”
“This isn't Starbucks.”
“Java chip-”
“This. Isn't. Starbucks.”
“Frapp-”
Waluigi snapped back around with the force of a rubber band. He pointed directly to the massive neon “Koopacchino” sign above.
“STARBUCKS STINKS, I BURNED IT TO THE GROUND.”
The boo gasped, tearing up from the sudden eye contact. “I…I'm leaving a 1 star review!” She vanished into the void, internally screaming.
Waluigi was already on edge for the next customer, but was suddenly thrown off by the laughter of Daisy and Luigi.
“Hey! Boos, am I right?” Daisy joked.
“Ahhh, ah, ahah! Yes, ah!” Waluigi straightened his apron. “W-what can I get you, princess?”
“A coffee for my honey and an espresso shot for me!” She gave Luigi a sweet kiss on the nose. “We just got back from the most romantic Delfino getaway, but the jet lag's going to drive me nuts!”
“Uhuh…” Waluigi desperately tried to rip his eyes away from their painful display of affection. “And how does…”
Waluigi glared directly at Luigi. The man wasn't even making eye contact with him! The nerve!
Waluigi scoffed. “How does he want his coffee?”
“As sweet as he is!” Daisy gave him another kiss, this time on the cheek.
Waluigi was swift with her drinks just as he had been for the rare customer that he actually liked. Unfortunately for him, their sweet talking was far too clear from their counter seats.
“Your order, princess.” Waluigi slipped a small rose alongside the espresso shot.
“Wow, you're fast!” Daisy kicked back her shot, excitedly shaking her leg as the caffeine shot through her veins. “Ah, that's the shit! He's good.” She took the flower and put it in Luigi's hat. “Complimentary too.”
Luigi smiled from the gesture, now excited to try his own coffee. He took one sip and immediately spat it out. His eyes stared blankly ahead as if he had tasted downright horror. He mumbled some Italian swears as he pushed his coffee aside.
Waluigi couldn't help but laugh at his rival's misery.
“Ah, what's wrong?” Daisy tried the drink for herself, immediately recognizing the lack of sugar's stinging bitterness and the intense sour bite of lemon extract. She smirked and stood up from her seat. “Can I get another espresso shot on the house?”
Waluigi was quick to start another one just for her. “Anything for you, princess!”
He proudly served the next shot to her with no charge. Daisy picked it up, glared at Waluigi, and splashed the searing hot liquid right onto him.
“WAAAH!”
“Anything for me, huh?” Daisy crossed her arms. “Get my boyfriend a decent coffee!”
Waluigi sighed, knowing he couldn't say no to her even with fresh first degree burns.
With the sun fully set, the final job of the day was Waluigi's favorite: his very own food truck parked in the most stoner filled area of New Donk City. Whenever Wario was around, Waluigi's Taco Stand™ was the only income its passionate owner needed. He loathed times like these when he was worked to the bone and ready to collapse before he could even open his kitchen.
A magikoopa regular was already waiting for him.
“Finally!” He sat on his broom and levitated up to the truck’s window. “I hate these off seasons.”
“Wah, so do I.”
The magikoopa adjusted his glasses. “Are those burn marks on your face? You weren't in that truck fire this morning, were you?”
“No, it wasn't like that.”
“Damn. I'd help you, but Kamek doesn't exactly prioritize teaching healing magic. Anyway, I'll have two carne asada tacos with my usual side of ‘special lettuce.’” He winked under his thick glasses.
After the magikoopa was satisfied with his food and plastic baggie of weed, he tipped Waluigi handsomely and flew off. Perhaps one of these days, Waluigi would actually learn that guy's name just to thank him for all the bills he indirectly paid for over the years, perhaps even give him a shout-out in his will.
The first hour was always slow once the initial magikoopa regular was finished. It was never until the drunk partygoers and the even more drunk concert attendees roamed the streets that business really kicked off.
In these slow hours, Waluigi made up for the lack of sales by using the time to take feet pics for the internet (he didn't particularly enjoy the practice, but it was absurdly profitable for the amount of effort put in). He slipped off his clogs and angled them just right under his truck's light. With no customers that hour and nobody else in sight, he made no attempt to be discreet as he got to his dirty work.
“Greetings,” a familiar, prim voice suddenly said.
“WAAH!” Waluigi stumbled back into his kitchen, desperate to cover his foot back up with his clog.
It was Rosalina, dressed far more casually than usual; her oversized teal t-shirt hung loosely off her shoulders under a white skirtall. She was smiling softly and sitting on a small cloud with her elbows on the counter and her chin in her hands.
“Did I…interrupt something?” she asked.
Waluigi threw himself against the counter, leaning a few inches away from her. “Not at all! What's your order, princess?”
“Just some nachos, I've waited all day to see you.” She squinted as his tense, reddened face. “Did you get burned or are you just happy to see me too?”
“Ah…both.” Waluigi couldn't believe it. Someone actually wanting to see him?! What kind of 4D chess trickery was this?
Rosalina swatted his nose with her wand. Somehow, this healed him instantly. “I heard you gave Daisy some awful service today. I'm guessing that was her?”
“No, I gave that green loser the awful service! But yes, she burned me for it.”
Rosalina sighed. “You'd still do anything for her, wouldn't you?”
Waluigi’s silence made his answer clear enough. He simply huffed and got to work on Rosalina’s nachos. Rosalina conjured her switch to return to her gaming session.
The switch’s glittery, light blue joycon caught Waluigi's eye. “What are you playing? I'm guessing not anything good.”
“I've been on a WarioWare binge today.”
“Ah…” Waluigi sighed. “You're playing Wario's games.”
“You don't?”
“Why would I? I'm not in them! Wario never invites me to anything unless he needs a partner in tennis doubles!”
With some queso to top off the chips and a good dose of meat, onions, and peppers tying in all together, Rosalina’s nachos were ready.
“Your chips, princess.”
“Thank you.” Rosalina scooped a generous portion of toppings onto a chip and took her first bite. “...Holy fucking shit- oh my stars- these are incredible!”
Waluigi perked up and hung halfway out the counter. “You think so?”
“Yes! Why did we even bother going out to eat when you were a great chef this whole time?!”
“Well, ah, everywhere we went also spontaneously exploded.”
“Imploded, but yes. And you only charge three coins for these?! That's criminal!”
“Criminal's what I do best!”
“And it SHOWS!” She conjured so many coins that they overflowed Waluigi's tip jar and spilled all across the counter.
Waluigi was utterly floored. That had to be at least 50 coins! For a tip?! He must have been dreaming!
“WAAAH! Princess?!”
“What?! Take them, they're yours! I have too many!”
“P-Princess, I-I, with all this, I…” Waluigi gasped, realizing the full scope of what this entailed. “I CAN QUIT ALL MY OTHER JOBS!”
His triumphant yells echoed across the city, waking up half the population.
He passionately kissed Rosalina's cheeks. She gasped at each touch, the stars In her irises glistening. She had no idea just how passionate of a man this was.
“I don't know how I could ever repay you! WAH! There’s no way I could EVER repay you!”
She fanned the rosy tint from her cheeks. “You can start…by helping me play WarioWare: Get It Together!”
“ON IT!” Waluigi pulled the blonde joycon from its side and got to playing.
A few dozen microgames in, Rosalina paused it for a moment.
“I just wanted to say…I played all these games wondering when you'd be in them.”
Waluigi's brow furrowed.
Rosalina smiled. “And now you are. Mission complete.”