Work Text:
On a late September night, Rosalina was up in her satellite tower performing every princess' most important duty: signing a colossal tower of paperwork. She wrote to Peach at around 10pm confirming that this would only take her an hour or so. It only took her until 2am to get through three whole pages.
Rosalina slammed her face on the table. She needed sanctuary from this adulthood hell.
Of course, the responsible action to take would have been to go to bed, hire a lawyer, maybe even call her smartest Lumas to help her.
Unfortunately, it was 4am: the responsibility graveyard hour. Rosalina didn't need sanctuary, she needed dopamine. Immediately.
Rosalina took to her phone with only expectations of a mildly pleasing sludge of a scrolling session. Only a minute in, she was delighted with a DM request from a distant sports group chat member.
@WAAAN01: WAAA? SOMEONE ELSE AWAKE AT THIS HOUR? I SIMPLY MUST INVITE YOU TO A MIDNIGHT BREAKFASTING, MMMAIDEN
Ah, it was Waluigi. Unsurprising. He had been extra desperate for attention since Wario left for another six months to work on the next Warioware game, not to mention the hell unleashed when Daisy blocked him the previous week for accidentally flashing his "Waluweenie" on stream.
Against all her superior judgment, Rosalina was too exhausted and, more importantly, too bored to care. She accepted his request with open fingers and a wand ready for teleportation.
@GalacticLumaMama: Fuck it, I'm in
@WAAAN01: WAAA??
He sent a gif of an exploding cat.
@WAAAN01: Sorry, I never thought I'd aaa get this far aaaaa
@WAAN01: Ahem
@GalacticLumaMama: Take your time ✨️ (I'm in hell)
@WAAN01: YOU
@WAAN01: ME
@WAAN01: MUSHROOM KINGDOM IHOP
@WAAN01: NOW
Rosalina was shocked that the Mushroom Kingdom even had an IHOP. She flicked her wand towards herself. Within a flash, she was right behind Waluigi: the only person(???) she knew taller than her.
"Boo."
"WAAA-" he collapsed on the ground from a near heart attack.
Rosalina laughed for the first time that night. This was already a vast improvement.
Once they got to their table, Rosalina immediately noticed the peculiar garb Waluigi was in: a violet tuxedo straight out of prom. At least she didn't feel too overdressed in her ethereal gown, but she wondered what sane man would wear a button up to the house of chain restaurant pancakes.
"You look...eh, exciting," she said.
Waluigi just sheepishly scratched at the back of his neck. He had quickly shrunken into a violet before the princess' eyes.
"...Alright, what's wrong?"
"Ah, ahah! You see, I uh, I'm too broke to foot the bill." Sweat beaded down Waluigi's brow.
Rosalina glared at him from behind her menu. "...Waluigi..."
"Whaa?"
"I'm a princess. I'll order the whole fucking menu if I want to."
"Ah, no, but you're one of those lady princesses-"
"The whole menu. I'll cover it."
Now filled with the power of not eating with a cheapskate for once, Waluigi ordered an absurd amount of crepes he could previously only dream of. Rosalina simply ordered a stack of pumpkin pancakes to appease her inner white woman.
With their toad waiter gone, Waluigi and Rosalina were left in painfully awkward silence. It was quite apparent that they had absolutely nothing to talk about.
"So, aahhh," Waluigi said, breaking their silence. "...do you...come here often?"
"When I'm not conjuring food from space matter or dining with the Lumas, I eat local."
"Ah..."
Another drab silence weighed over the air.
"You know..." Waluigi hesitated for a moment," "Daisy liked coming here-"
"You miss her badly, don't you?"
Waluigi slammed his fist on the table. "It's not fair that she chose that WHORE-"
Rosalina pressed her delicate fingers to Waluigi's nose, her brows furrowed.
Waluigi sighed, loosening up. "Yes, I miss her."
Rosalina conjured a nail file to keep her hands busy. "That's funny considering you two weren't even-"
Waluigi suddenly leapt up, aggressively finger gunning to a non-existent audience. "BUT MY AIM IS GETTING BETTER!"
His face was suddenly smacked with the force of a well thrown nail file.
"YOU TWO WEREN'T EVEN TOGETHER!"
Seconds turned into minutes. Their waiter was nowhere to be found. Even their glasses were dreadfully empty.
"The service here is, ah, slow huh?" Waluigi said. "...I have an idea! Let's overthrow the manager!"
Rosalina placed her hand over Waluigi's, sending blush rocketing up his skin. "I have a better idea."
Waluigi suddenly felt himself getting picked up and thrown over the princess' shoulders. Despite his confusion, his inner loneliness kept him from protesting or even asking questions.
They ended up sitting on the bathroom floor. Waluigi's mind was occupied with concern over what his suit was touching. Rosalina, on the other hand, did not care what her dress was getting in; there were more exciting things on her mind.
"Waluigi?"
"Wah?"
"Have you ever gotten high?"
"Whaaa?! Of course I have! Usually on the best WALUWEED!"
Rosalina laughed. "No hard shit?"
Waluigi sank against the wall. "NO, no no, cocaine is Wario's thing."
"You haven't even tried...?" Rosalina conjured up some sort of galactic, ethereal mushroom in her palms.
"Whaaat the HELL is that?"
"It's a cosmic mushroom, it gets you higher than the stars above. I never get to do it with the lumas around." She split it in half. "Quieres?" She offered one half to Waluigi.
Together, they bit into the psychedelic power up. At first, all was familiar. Hazy, but normal. Waluigi looked into his own gloves, impressed by how normal they were.
"Hm, this isn't so ba- WHAAAAA"
Reality itself crumbled before Waluigi's eyes. Any walls remaining had elongated so far that they were now just roads for him to stare down. Beside him was no longer just Rosalina, she was a stunning nebulous incarnation of all that had ever been beautiful and alive. Yet at the same time, her simmering skin was downright terrifying and burning to the touch. There was spaghetti in his skin and gouda cheese in his head, but that was okay! They protected him from the crippling void of single life hell.
From Rosalina's point of view, the ceiling had opened up and began raining glittery sprinkles. The sprinkles ate at her nerves with painful static, but the shock filled her with rejuvenated energy so raw and so primal that granola vegans would have cannibalized over it. She collapsed to the floor in a giggling fit and stared in awe at the lean statue beside her moving on its own.
Waluigi leaned against the invisible wall behind him as he stood and hobbled forward through the echoing space hall. A door into his dimension opened and in stepped...Luigi?! This couldn't be...
"Um, are you two okay back here?" Luigi's voice rang.
Waluigi's very soul was reignited with fury. "SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE, YOU MOTHERFU-"
BREAKING NEWS: LOCAL IHOP SPONTANEOUSLY IMPLODED
At around 4:30 in the morning this September 10th, the Mushroom Kingdom's IHOP has mysteriously imploded, seemingly pulled inwards by a miniature black hole. Nobody knows what happened inside or what happened to the now missing manager blue toad and employee green toad, but Rosalina was quick to arrive on the scene and fix the lethal tear in space-time. She assured locals that some villain must have made the horrifying rip and that she would be investigating shortly.
Thanks to her giving Waluigi some assistance during her high, Rosalina was now stacked with 5x more paperwork than the previous night. However, the Lumas all agreed that she deserved a night off for her "good deed" to the Mushroom Kingdom and hired a team of lawyers to do all the work for her.
From her canopy bed, Rosalina called someone on the phone.
"WHAAA! Princess?"
"Hey...Waluigi, about last night..."
"Oh, eheh, ah! Sorry I fled the scene after beating the waiter to death and all, I'll-"
Rosalina deviously smiled. "Let's do it again Friday night."