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Chapter Text

The sun was setting in the horizon, with its ii last rays adorning the sky making it orange, it was a beautiful sight but no one in the peak of life and death had the time to look at the magnificent sky, everyone was busy preparing for the party in honour of yuheng elder, the Venerable northern diper celestial for coming out after five long years of seclusion, the three disciples of his looking over the preparations and making sure everything was in place and that there shizun was comfortable.

Xue Meng being Xue Meng was straightening his clothes after every minute, practicing how he would welcome his shizun and tell him about the immortal sword confrence, Shi Mei was busy helping the elders around and making sure nothing was too extravagant, otherwise his shizun would be uncomfortable.

"Meng er, where is Mo ran", Madam wang asked as she made her way to her son.

"That dumb dog, I don't know ", Xue Meng replied, before going back to his rehearsal.

"Mo Ran is in the kitchen", Shi Mei answered from the other end of the hall.

Madame wang heard this and immediately went to the kitchen, Moran had just arrived half an hour earlier and she thought he would be in his room, but no he had ran here as soon as he arrived.

"Ran er, they will take care of everything, you should freshen up first, the party is about to start and the elders have started to arrive, hurry", Madame wang ushered.

"I am done auntie, I was just seeing if everything was ready ", Mo Ran answered coming towards her.

"Aiyah, I don't even know what's wrong with Yuheng, he woke up a week ago but didn't want to see anyone, I wonder if he Is doing okay, everyone is so eager to see him again", Madame wang complained looking at the youth in front of her.

"It's okay auntie, shizun is alright, you talk to him everyday through the door, actually I am glad that he didn't come out of the seclusion when he woke up, otherwise I would not have been able to welcome him, since I was still far away at that time", Mo Ran said with a cheeky smile on his face.

"Hmm, okay, go fast now, otherwise Yuheng will be angry with you for being dirty", Madame wang said and at that time a maid came into the kitchen.

"Okay", Mo ran replied and quickly started running towards his room.

*finally, I can see master again*, Mo Ran thought silently.

After Mo Ran was done washing up he quickly made his way to the hall where the party was being held, Chu Wanning was still not there, Mo Ran walked into the room and stood besides his uncle and aunt.

"Meng Meng, who are you to trying to impress, this is not your marriage proposal or something, it's shizun's party", Mo Ran said, looking at the peacock, who was dressed extra ordinarily.

"Shut up you dog,  I know it's the party held for Shizun but he is going to see me after five years, I need to look presentable, after all I am not a beggar by the streets", Xue Meng snorted, looking at his older cousin.

"Oh yeah...", Mo Ran was about to say something to set off this peacock, when the hall fell in silence and everyone looked towards the entrance, Mo Ran's heart started racing and his palms were sweating profusely.

Chu Wanning was standing on the entrance of the hall, his pheonix eyes sweeping through the crowd to scan everyone who was present, his white robes swayed on the ground as he finally took a step in.

"Yuheng, come here, your seat is here", Xue Zhengyong called, earning Chu Wanning's attention and he started walking towards them while greeting everyone on his way.

"Yuheng, come", Xue Zhengyong said but before he could show him to his seat, he was held into a hug, making him stumble back in shock, while everyone in the room gasped loudly, including Mo Ran.

*what's wrong with elder Yuheng*, everyone thought as they saw Chu Wanning hugging Xue Zhengyong.

"Yu .Yuheng, are you okay?", the leader of peak of life and death asked in fright.

"Zhengyong, I am sorry", Chu Wanning said in a low voice and then let go of him, looking over to Madame wang.

"Madame Wang, how are you?", Chu Wanning asked again, as no one in the hall dared to say anything.

"I am fine, yuheng Elder, how are you?", Madame Wang answered.

"I am fine, I am happy", Chu Wanning said showing a small smile and sat in his chair.

*Everything is okay and everyone is still alive, everyone is alive, nothing happened this time*, chu Wanning thought looking at the sea of people and took a deep breath.

After the initial shock, no one dared to come up to Yuheng elder for a good five minutes, and then one of the elder's finally made his way to chu Wanning, after which the people started swarming towards him, greeting and congratulating him for coming out of the seclusion, Chu Wanning looked at each one of the faces and smiled warmly as he got reassured that nothing had gone wrong, everyone was well and healthy.

Chapter Text

The last thing Chu Wanning remembered was Taxian-jun, the emperor of cultivation world holding him in his arms while crying and saying the meanest words Chu Wanning had ever heard out of his mouth, he reached his hand for his face to soothe him of his pain but everything went blank and the next moment he was lying in his bed, the drums were going off and everything was dark, he slowly got off the bed and lighted the room with a spell, everything was same, but not at the same time, there was a pile of books on the table, after looking around for a long time, he finally reached the conclusion that he had been reborn, but he didn't know in what time, in what period and so he started reading the books, but could not recollect any memories of this Chu Wanning, whenever he tried to remember something, his head hurt and his body would go in a shock and so he didn't go out for the whole week, and finished all the books, before coming to this party tonight.

The elders had finally finished greeting and congratulating the northern diper celestial, wanye Yuheng, on coming out of his seclusion.

"Shizun", Xue Meng said coming in front of him, his sharp eyes staring right into Chu Wanning's.

"Xue Meng", Chu Wanning called softly, taking in all the features of this proud son of heaven's, Xue Meng seemed to be more handsome then in the last life, their last life was so messy, Chu Wanning had lost everything, no one believed in him but Xue Meng, he..he was always there, trying his best to take out his defeated shizun, even when he lost all hope and pushed Xue Meng away, he still tried his best, he still fought with Taxian-jun, his disciple, who he thought would never grow out of his tantrums.

"Shizun, I missed you", Xue Meng said and threw himself in Chu Wanning's lap, hugging him, he knew his shizun would tell him off, but he could not control himself.

"I missed you too, Shizun is sorry, I failed you", Chu Wanning said hugging him back, in his last life he lost a lot so much that he didn't care for his fake image anymore, he was a human, it was okay to cry and have emotions, he was not so thin faced now, after all he knew now that showing care to the people you love is far more important than maintaining an image that only hurt oneself and others.

"No shizun, how could you say that, if it was not for you, we would have all died, it was us, it was all of us who failed you", Xue Meng answered crying loudly, not caring even a bit for his image.

"It's okay silly child, it's okay, Don't cry anymore, you are already 21 years old and still crying, get up, let me take a proper look at you", Chu Wanning said and patted Xue Meng's head, who looked up and let go of him.

"Shizun, I have so much to tell you and I have also prepared a gift for you, but..but I will give it to you later", Xue Meng said and before walking away from Chu Wanning, he gave him a smile and folded something small into his hand.

"Shizun, this disciple congratulates you on coming out of seclusion successfully", Shi Mei bowed his head in front of Chu Wanning.

"En", Chu Wanning gave a small nod in acknowledgement, this person, he had not seen this person in his last life, shi Mei had grown up to be tall and beautiful, his peach blossom eyes were softer then before, his cheeks were full and he looked too beautiful.

How could Chu Wanning have been so blind in his last life, how could he compare himself to Shi Mei, he was so beautiful, so gentle so kind, but what was chu Wanning, he was just an old soul, In a body that was too weak, he was so ugly, so cold looking, so inhumanely, how could he ever think he could compete with him.

Shi Mei felt that Chu Wanning was silent for too long, he didn't even acknowledge him properly, of course he would not show as much concern to him as he did for Xue Meng, but this was too much, he was too cold and everyone in the hall could feel that, shi Mei turned around silently and was about to walk away but Chu Wanning held his hand.

"Shi Mei, how have you been?", Chu Wanning asked coming out of his daze, making Shi Mei stand still without replying for a second.

"I have been good shizun, I was away for sometime to learn medicine and other things", Shizun Mei answered softly as his eyes were fixated on Chu Wanning's hand which held onto his own.

"Hmm, I knew you would make shizun proud, you need to tell me everything you did these years", Chu Wanning said with a small smile on his face.

He was grateful to Shi Mei, so much that no one would ever know, world was in peace because he was alive and well, because Mo Ran could still see him everyday, of course he had to be grateful, Chu Wanning could not save the world, even if he begged and cried and used all his existence , but he could not even save one person,but Shi Mei, Shizun Mei was different from him, he only breathed and the world was still intact, everyone was still happy and alive.

Chu Wanning wanted to laugh at himself, how could he ever think he would make a place in Mo Ran's heart, when the one he was competing with was this ethereal beauty that has for sure descended from the heavens, he felt too stupid.

"Shizun", Shi Mei called, making Chu Wanning look up at him again, the corner of his eyes was stinging,tears threatening to fall down at any moment, his hold on Shi Mei had also significantly tightened.

"Shizun, are you okay?", Shi Mei asked, seeing Chu Wanning's eyes.

"En, I am just a bit tired, it's okay", Chu Wanning reassured and let go of his hand.

His heart was thumping loudly in his chest, it was his turn now, next would be More Ran, his thoughts were running wild, while his hands shivered uncontrollably, Mo Ran, what was he thinking, he didn't know, he just wanted to get up from here and run away, he could not bear to see him, just as he was contemplating about how to make an excuse and run back to red Lotus pavilion, a soft voice sounded near him.

"Shizun, congratulations on coming out of seclusion", Mo Ran said in a low voice, his condition was not any better then Chu Wanning, of course how could he be normal, His Wanning finally came out, he had waited five years for this moment, his Heart was running wild and his eyes were taking in every one of Chu Wanning's features, his beautiful pheonix eyes, his sweet thin lips, his nose bridge that was high, his sharp jawline that always gave him a godly look, he was too good, too beautiful, so beautiful that it hurt Mo Ran, he hoped that Chu Wanning would hug him too, then he would relax, then maybe it will hurt less, then everything will be okay.

"En, how have you been", Chu Wanning asked looking at his hands in his lap, he never looked up, he didn't need to he knew how Mo Ran looked, what was the need to look at his face, he would only cry, he didn't want to meet those eyes again, those eyes that screamed how much they hated him, those eyes, which wanted him dead, no matter how many years, Chu Wanning's heart was still not ready to move on, to understand that the man would never love him, that his love for this man was a waste because he loved someone deeply, because there was Shi Mei in his heart, he never had a chance.

"I have been good, I have been wandering around these years, cultivating, I was waiting for Shizun to wake up", Mo Ran explained, hopeful that Chu Wanning will look at him, he had put in so much effort into getting ready, the robes he was wearing were exclusively made by a grandmaster, with the finest fabric, he knew Chu Wanning didn't like things that were too extravagant but he still wanted to look his best, show Chu Wanning he was more handsome then Xue Meng and praise him.

"En", Chu Wanning gave a short reply and then got up.

"I want to go back now, I am feeling tired", Chu Wanning said and got ready to leave.

"Shizun,.I will accompany you", Mo Ran offered, hopeful that he could spend sometime with Chu Wanning alone.

"No, you stay here and take care of Shi Mei", Chu Wanning said and left before Mo Ran could say anything, he had made up his mind, this time, he would protect Shi Mei with his life and make sure that......

Chapter Text

Once Chu Wanning came out of the party, he went straight to the bed, without taking off his clothes or shoes, he still could not believe what had happened today, everything felt like a dream, a dream that would shatter anytime,he was afraid but he was ecstatic too.

Mo Ran was happy,, he talked to me, called me shizun and even walked in front of me, he ...he likes me, he..no, no, he likes me because Shi Mei is alive, he loves Shi Mei, what are you thinking Chu Wanning, Mo Ran would never like you, he hates me, he hates me", Chu Wanning thought as he buried his face in his bed.

but I can help him, help him and Shi Mei get together, then maybe he will like me a bit too, maybe he would not hate me as much as now, yes, this is it, I know, this is what I have to do, yes, I would make everything better this time", Chu Wanning said to himself before drifting off to sleep.

......

Chu wanning woke up with an aching head and a heavy heart, he didn't know what happened but he had dreamed of his days back in the wubei temple, he had dreamed of him, basking in the sunshine, while laughing heartily, telling him to call him GeGe, Chu Wanning seemed to still smell the scent of sunflowers, he could hear his soft voice calling him from distance and it was absurd, It was an absurd thought, those days were long gone, how could he think of him, he could never go back to past to apologise, he could not.

Chu Wanning looked around, trying to break out of his daze and the aching of his heart, when he looked out of the window, the sun was already shinning too brightly.

"Oh no, I am late", Chu Wanning choked out and quickly scrambled out of his bed before running to his cupboard to get some robes, he was about to walk away from it with a white robe in his hands, when he remembered something from his last life, he looked back into the cupboard and put the robes back.

Mo Ran , Shi Mei and Xue Meng had met earlier in the Mengpo lobby and decided to wait for their Shizun but Chu Wanning didn't show up and it was already too late so they decided to train by themselves first, and so like always, Xue Meng and Mo Ran had a fight and Xue Meng ran away from them and started training on his own.

"A Ran, please don't fight with Young master, you know Shizun likes him a lot", Shi Mei said with a serene smile on his face, his peach blossom eyes squinting from it.

"Shizun likes him the most?, what made you think that, Shizun almost died for me", Mo Ran said annoyed by Shi Mei's weird tone of voice.

"A Ran, you know Shizun would have done the same for Young master, that's why he never let him even come near the rift in the first place", Shi Mei offered a smile again.

"What do you mean?", Mo Ran asked irritated.

"Just that you should not annoy Shizun by fighting with young master, oh you are sweating", Shi Mei explained as he pulled out a handkerchief out of his sleeve and started Wiping Mo Ran's face.

"Shi Mei, do...", Mo Ran wanted to say something when a soft cough was heard, Mo Ran whipped his head around instantly, only to have his heart stop  when he looked at Chu Wanning , of course he was pretty like always, but today, there was something different about it, his eyes seemed to be soft, his cheeks were red and his thin lips were not tightly pressed together like they always were, they were a bit pinkish today and unlike usual he was wearing a set of green robes.

"My baobei looks extra fuckable today, ah I want to tear off those robes and make him cry, I will make him part his legs and ..

"Mo Ran", Shi Mei yelled near his ear

"Wh..what?", Mo Ran yelled back in shock.

"What are you thinking about, shizun has been calling you", Shi Mei said softly, signing towards Chu Wanning with his eyes.

"Ah, sorry, Shizun, I am sorry", Mo Ran apologised with his eyes glued to the ground.

"Mo Ran, is something wrong, are you okay?", Chu Wanning asked in a worried tone as he looked at Mo Ran's flushed face.

"It's...it's okay Shizun, I am very strong, very healthy, I am just hot, I don't get sick easily", Mo Ran answered in a hurry.

Mo Ran could not tell him the truth but he could not also let his shizun think he was weak, getting sick so easily, Chu Wanning would be so disappointed to know that the disciple he almost died for could not even stand a hot day, how embarrassing, he could still remember the slap he got in the underworld, when Chu Wanning thought that Mo Ran had died too.Eww, that was a gross feeling.

"Are you sure?", Chu Wanning asked, taking a step forward and put his hand on Mo Ran's forehead toncheck his temprature, making Mo Ran lose his breath.

"You are burning up", Chu Wanning said worried.

"Shi..Shizun, I am just feeling hot because of the heat, yeah, yeah, I am not sick", Mo Ran answered with a flushed face, trying to breath.

"If you feel so hot, you can take off your robes", Chu Wanning said but as soon as the words left his mouth he realised how inappropriate they were.

No, No, No, why did I say that, what do I do, should I run away, what's wrong with me, Chu Wannnniiinnggg..Chu Wanning was still thinking  about what to say to save his own face, when an idea struck him.

yes, this would do. he thought and cleared his throat.

"shi Mei can also help you wipe your sweat, yes, otherwise you would get sick", Chu Wanning said and once he looked towards his disciples, he seemed to realise he had said something wrong. How stupid was he, he could not just directly tell them to do it, he was their Shizun, it was such a shameful thing, he wanted to bury himself alive, and most of all, could he even watch Shi Mei and Mo Ran like that, close , smiling at each other, of course he could not, he would die of heartbreak, but he still had to bring these two together.

"No..No, Shizun, I didn't tell Shi Mei, what you saw earlier..I don't want", Mo Ran wanted to explain himself but he could not, his baobei had definitely misunderstood him and Shi Mei, but he didn't know what to say.

"I am going to check on Xue Meng", Chu Wanning said, without looking at his two disciples and ran to Xue Meng, who started telling him about his boutes happily, not noticing his Shizun's attempts at hiding from his two disciples.

Chu Wanning tried to hide from Shi Mei and Mo Ran the whole day, only stealing glances at them, while they were busy, his heart would skip a beat everytime he looked at Mo Ran's face, that tanned honey skin and those eyes, he had not paid attention to Mo Ran's face before because of his own beating heart that seemed like it would come out of his chest at anytime, but now that he looked at him a little carefully, there was an eerie similarity, between Mo Ran and him, they looked almost same from the side profile, though that person was fearer then Mo Ran, the shape of their eyes, those full cheeks and deep dimples, they were almost the same, In his last life he could not remember that person because so much was happening, he could not look at Mo Ran because of what he had become because of the long hatred flower, but now that he looked, he felt frightened, it should not have been like this, Mo Ran could not look so similar to...

Chapter Text

The sun dropped below the horizon and the sky started darkening, making the sky light up with the white moonlight, Chu Wanning looked up confused, Fate was really playing a game with him, like it wanted him to believe that no matter what he did, no one would ever love him that he would be alone all his life without anyone to hold his hand or hug him, there would never be anyone who would want to listen to him, and Chu Wanning was not new to this idea, he had known this thing since the day Huaizu banished him from Wubei temple, when he turned his back on him, though he knew it, the thought still frightened Chu Wanning at times, Alone and alone, like a ghost, he would always be alone, watching the person he loves, holding someone else's hand, the thought was frightening, making Chu Wanning shiver, but he could not do anything, he could just watch from a distance, like before, like in wubei temple, he could do nothing, Chu Wanning sighed as he saw Mo Ran and Shi Mei packing up for the day, it was time to go back to the Red Lotus pavilion .

He slowly got up from his place and started walking towards the exit without saying anything to any of his disciples,he turned around and saw Mo Ran was playing around with Xue Meng while Shi Mei stood there, trying to stop their bickering, it was at this moment that a voice echoed in his mind, it was Mo Ran's voice or more likely it was Taxian-jun's voice.

"Chu Wanning, you were always jealous of Shi Mei, you never treated him right, you wanted him to die, you neved cared enough about him, Chu Wanning you are a  selfish man,you killed my Shi Mei", Chu Wanning heard the voice in his head, making his heart ache,his hands trembled and he felt like someone was choking him, he didn't know how, but his feet involuntarily started moving ahead, in his disciples direction, as Mo Ran and Xue Meng sensed their master coming towards them, they immediately stopped their little play and stood still silently.

"Shizun", Mo Ran called worried as he looked at Chu Wanning's pale face and held his hand.

"Are you okay, shizun?", Mo Ran asked again.

"I am fine", Chu Wanning answered as he took his hand out of Mo Ran's.

"Shizun, you don't seem well, should I call mom or Tanlang elder", Xue Meng asked this time, going to his master's side.

"I said it's okay, I am just a little tired, don't worry", Chu Wanning answered.

"Shizun, let me accompany you back to Red Lotus pavilion, I will also get you dinner", Mo Ran offered, his eyebrows furrowed with worry. He knew his shizun, he would never take care of himself, he often got sick even in his last life, he would always catch a cold as long as he weather got a little colder and it was even worse in the winters, he could not help but worry about his shizun who he knew would never care even a bit for himself, always thinking about others.

"Mo Ran is annoyed with me again, he must have some plans with Shi Mei, ", Chu Wanning thought looking at his face and lowered his gaze before taking a long breath.

"Mo Ran, it's okay, shizun is fine, you and Shi Mei can go have dinner first", Chu Wanning said and then turned towards Shi Mei, who was standing silently all this time.

"Shi Mei, come to the Red Lotus pavilion tomorrow, I have something to talk to you about", Chu Wanning said softly, so softly that Mo Ran's heart ached, this softness was not directed towards him but Someone else,not that he deserved it but he still craved for it, he also wanted to hear his name called so sweetly by his Wanning but Shi Mei took it,he had noticed it, since Chu Wanning woke up, he was too soft with Shi Mei, too nice, too sweet, that it was making Mo Ran uncomfortable.

"Shi Mei is beautiful and soft, he is gentle and has all the etiquettes that Chu Wanning likes, unlike me, who is a brute, and I am not even fair, not gentle, nothing, I am nothing in comparison to Shi Mei, nothing, what if Wanning, My Wanning..." Mo Ran was still contemplating his differnces with Shi Mei, when he heard him say something.

"Okay Shizun", Shi Mei said, darting his eyes to the ground, but Mo Ran noticed, the tips of his ears were crimson red, and his voice was shaking a little.

"En, then I am leaving first, Xue Meng get some rest after eating, you have been training too hard today", Chu Wanning had noticed Xue Meng today, he was trying too hard, practicing too much without any rest that it had worried Chu Wanning for his health.

"Thank you Shizun, I will do that", Xue Meng answered happily, if course he was the disciple that Shizun loved the most, he could not help but be more cocky right now.

"Hmm", Chu Wanning responded shortly and turned around to leave before  Mo Ran it someone else could say anything and returned to the Red Lotus pavilion, and lay in his bed, he was not tired but he was certainly not getting up from his bed, he didn't know why, but he had become lazy since he woke up, he barely did any work and always lay in his bed, thinking of the past, thinking of the cultivation world, Taxian-jun and How desperately Xue Meng tried to save him, the more he noticed his young disciple working hard today, he more bad he felt, felt responsible and felt that he had not really taken good care of his disciples and He was most unfair to Shi Mei, he knew and that's why he promised to give more time to him and help him in anyway.

Atleast that way,Mo Ran would not hate him so much,he would atleast like his master a bit then, just a bit, just a bit of his affection was all he needed, he knew he would not turn into Taxian-jun this time, of course, the long hatred flower was removed, but he knew Mo Ran still hated him, hated him for being cold, inconsiderate, and he knew himself that he was hateful, anyone would hate him, Mo Ran hated him and he hated him, Chu Wanning was already tired of being hated, he could not handle being hated by his Gege , now there was Mo Ran too, hating him and loving someone else, everything was repeating itself and Chu Wanning didn't know how long he could on like this.

"Chu Wanning get ahold of yourself, it's okay, it's okay", he said to himself and closed his eyes, dreaming of Mo Ran again, in Wushan palace.

_________________

"Shizun, Shizun", Shi Mei called from outside his bedroom, making Chu Wanning's break away from his dream, panting in crying, he looked around his room and found that he was still in his room, everything was okay.

"Shizun", Shi Mei called again, making Chu Wanning come out of the shock.

"Shi Mei, wait a moment", Chu Wanning answered and got up from the bed and went to get the door, he was still in his sleeping attire, he was wearing a silk robe that was tied loosely by a knot around his waist, his hair was messy and let down, his eyes were sleepy and he looked too defenseless and vulnerable like this.

"Shizun, I am sorry, I thought you would have woken up by now", Shi Mei said, looking at Chu Wanning with those peach blossom eyes.

"It's okay Shi Mei, come inside", Chu Wanning offered but as he looked inside his room he realised it was too messy, there was no space to walk on the floor and everything else in his room was jam packed with books, papers, scrapes, and even some broken cups and plates, Shi Mei looked at him and then smiled a bit.

"Shizun, I will clean your room later", he offered.

"Ah, no, no, I will do it myself later", Chu Wanning replied embarrassed.

"It's okay shizun, I can do it for you, the disciple will be very happy to help his shizun", Shi Mei said and took a step in.

"Then we would do it together", Chu Wanning replied, the tips of his ears turning red.

"Okay, Shizun", Shi Mei started picking up things but Chu Wanning held his hand.

"Let's do it later, I have something to talk to you about first", Chu Wanning said and made him sit on the bed, which was the only place that had a bit of a space.

"What do you want to talk about Shizun", Shi Mei asked, his hands were clasped together in nervousness.

"Shi Mei, I know I have not been able to be a good Shizun to you and I could not help you much with your cultivation, i don't know about healing and medicine and can't help you upgrade, so I was thinking".

"No, Shizun, I don't want to go anywhere, you are my shizun, I would never accept someone else as my own shizun, I would not leave shisheng peak, I would not leave you", Shi Mei retorted this time, not minding his own image of a soft and considerate person.

"But Shi Mei, you know I can't help you anymore", Chu Wanning wanted to explain but Shi Mei was not ready to listen to anything.

"Shizun, I have been wandering around these five years and have been in apprenticeship of many masters, I can read and learn, I don't want to leave, you have woken up after so much time shizun, I would not leave, what if something happens", Shi Mei replied, his voice started to shake even more and there were tears at the corner of his eyes.

"Shi Mei, It's okay, it's okay, If you don't want to, don't, I am not pressuring you, if you want to stay here shizun will arrange for someone to teach you here in the shisheng peak", Chu Wanning offered, hugging Shi Mei on an instict, as soon as he wrapped his arms around Shi Mei, he realised what he was doing he wanted to take back arms but before he could do that Shi Mei had already thrown himself on him, burying his face in Chu Wanning's neck, making him feel uncomfortable.

"Shi Mei", Chu Wanning called softly.

"Shizun, I.. Lov..", 

"Shizun, Uncle is calling for you", Mo Ran broke in the room but as soon as his eyes fell on Chu Wanning and Shi Mei, he fell silent, clenching his fists tightly.

"Mo Ran", Chu Wanning called and tapped Shi Mei to let go of him.

"A-Ran, what are you doing here?", Shi Mei asked looking up at Mo Ran with innocent eyes.

"Uncle is looking for Shizun so I came to call him, but what are you two doing?", Mo Ran asked, looking at Chu Wanning like a wife who was he abondoned and cheated on.

"I..I was" Chu Wanning wanted to explain but didn't know how to.

"We were just talking about something, it's nothing to worry yourself about", Shi Mei answered, giving a small smile, not knowing that his smile was igniting a fire inside Mo Ran.

"Wanning, you are cheating on your husband with your disciple, so despicable", Mo Ran thought looking at Chu Wanning with a furious expression on his face.

"Mo Ran is angry with me again, I should not have touched Shi Mei, he must be upset that I embraced his lover", Chu Wanning thought and got up from his place.

"I am going to Xue Zhengyong, you two can go to train first", Chu Wanning instructed , looking down at his hands.

"Okay Shizun, thank you", Shi Mei answered and looked at Mo Ran.

"As Shizun says", Mo Ran answered and walked away without saying anything further to Shi Mei.

______________

Chu Wanning went to see Xue Zhengyong and found him, sitting with Madame Wang In the garden, near their residence.

"Yuheng, I was just waiting for you, come here", Xue Zhengyong shouted from the distance as he saw Chu Wanning coming.

"What is it?", Chu Wanning asked, when he got near them, sitting opposite Xue Zhengyong.

"Yuheng, you can atleast greet me, why are you so cold to me", Xue Zhengyong asked like a wronged maiden.

"Why, are you my wife?", Chu Wanning asked annoyed.

"Ah, I am not, but I called you here to talk about that", Xue Zhengyong answered.

"What do you mean?", Chu Wanning asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"You have been alone for too long and you can't go on like this, you are already thirty two, you need to have someone by your side, so I was thinking to propose your marriage...?", Xue Zhengyong said in a low voice, he knew that a string of shouts and rebuking were coming for Yuheng, but to his surprise nothing happened, Chu Wanning seemed to be deep in thought for a long time, and then he took a long breath.

"Okay", Chu Wanning answered shortly.

Chapter Text

"shi Mei, I hope I didn't interrupt your conversation with shizun", Mo Ran said forcing out a smile as his fists clenched tightly.

"It's okay A-Ran, I was almost done anyway", Shi Mei answered back with his usual gentle smile, but this time the smile didn't comfort Mo Ran , but rather made his throat feel tight, as if he could not breathe.

"Hmm, so what were you talking about?", Mo Ran asked nonchalantly, like he could not care less.

"Umm, nothing serious, just shizun wanted to spend some time with me alone and then", Shi Mei stuttered abruptly coming to an end, his ears turned red and could not meet Mo Ran's eyes anymore.

"And then what, what did Wan..shizun say", Mo Ran wanted it to sound casual again, but the voice came out too heavy and stiff.

"Nothing, A-Ran let's go and train, we are already late, lets go", Shi Mei refused to answer his questions and quickened his pace.

"But what, what happened, why did my Wanning hug Shi Mei, why did he hold his hand and what was Shi Mei about to say, what, he had heard it clearly, shi Mei was saying 'shizun, I lo', what ..what was Shi Mei going to say, how could shi Mei be so presumptuous and so shameless to think something like that about his own master,or maybe I heard I wrong, that must be it, I must have heard wrong because I was shocked, shi Mei would never, it was too unbelievable and  chu Wanning would never really have any thoughts for Shi Mei, It was just my hallucination, just a ..Mo Ran was still pondering over what he had witnessed, when suddenly a soft touch on his shoulder made him come out of his trance.

"What happened, A-Ran, why are you so absentminded", Shi Mei asked as he noticed Mo Ran's pale face.

"No, nothing, what were you saying?",

"I said, we are here, let's start training", Shi Mei explained gesturing towards the entrance.

"Hmm, okay", Mo Ran answered shortly and walked away from Shi Mei before he could say anything else.

Xue Meng was already there, when Mo Ran and Shi Mei entered, practicing with his sword on his usual spot, Chu Wanning was still not there, meaning that sect leader Xue was keeping him more then necessary today, the sun was warm today and the gentle breeze made it all the more pleasent, but Mo Ran could not enjoy it even a bit, Chu Wanning was not there, he didn't know why Chu Wanning called shi Mei to red Lotus pavilion and on top of that in his room on the bed he sleeps on, all the while being married, Mo Ran wanted answers but he didn't know who could give them to him, Chu Wanning had been good to his two disciples but Mo Ran, he never paid any attention to him and always ran away when Mo Ran was anywhere near him, so he figured it out on his own, Chu Wanning is doing all this because.

"because he hates me, I am not good enough, because I am not gentle and sweet and cute, he just hates me because I am an asshole, never respect him, that's why he likes Shi... Shi ", Mo Ran thought and at this same time he heard footsteps coming towards them, he looked towards the entrance and saw Chu Wanning coming towards him.

"Shizun", Mo Ran called as soon as he took the whole picture of Chu Wanning in.

"Mo Ran, take a rest you are sweating", Chu Wanning said softly as he wanted to walk past Mo Ran.

"Shizun", Mo Ran called again, hoping to be noticed, Chu Wanning stopped in his tracks and looked up at him, raising his arrow like sharp eyebrows, but Mo Ran did not say anything, he just stood there looking at Chu Wanning as he stared deep into his eyes.

"Mo Ran", Chu Wanning called as he tried to break free from the stalemate.

"Shizun, let's have dinner together at wuchang town tonight", Mo Ran offered softly, his hands fidgeting in his sleeves, stunning his Shizun, as he looked back at Mo Ran nervously.

"I.."

"Shizun, please", Mo Ran insisted, occassionally looking over Shi Mei to make sure he was standing between the two souls that Chu Wanning could not see him.

"oh, so that's how it is, how could I think Mo Ran wants to go out with me, I am so stupid, I must help him", Chu Wanning thought and nodded his head, making Mo Ran smile in victory, but the smile didn't stay on his face for long, as Chu Wanning opened his mouth.

"Shi Mei, come here", Chu Wanning called, earning Shi Mei's attention quickly as he walked to them giddily, making Mo Ran's face a little stiff, as he watched in confusion.

"Yes Shizun, what can this disciple do for you", Shi Mei asked making his way to his Shizun.

"Mo Ran invited us to dinner tonight, Xue Meng cannot come with us because he has some urgent work to do tonight", Chu Wanning explained, with a solemn expression, as he looked at the two now standing side by side.

Shi Mei looked at Mo Ran with a bright smile and shook his head.

"Shizun, I think A-Ran would not like that, he invited you to dinner, I don't want to impose on him", he said in a small voice, looking at Chu Wanning with pitiful eyes.

"It's okay, you come with me I can pay for your food then", Chu Wanning chimes in, knowing full well that Mo Ran only invited him to dinner because he wanted to eat out with Shi Mei but did not have the courage to ask him directly, he wanted to say that he was not feeling a bitter bile in his mouth, that he was okay but he could not, no matter how much he knew that Mo Ran could not be his, he still could not shake his feelings off, after all he had been with Mo Ran as his wife for a long time, he was the one he slept with and ate with, So Chu Wanning could not help but breathe a sigh of defeat.

No matter what, he could not have Mo Ran in this life, never.

"It's okay, you can join us, after all it's just a matter of adding a pair of chopsticks to the table", Mo Ran said as he clenched his jaws tightly.

"Thank you A-Ran", Shi Mei touched his hand and squeezed it a little.

"Shizun, I will", Mo Ran wanted to offer something when Shi Mei spoke up.

"Okay, shizun, I will pick you up in the evening at red Lotus pavilion, I know a good place, we can go there, it has a good view of the city, you will like it", Shi Mei offered with a beautiful smile, making Mo Ran's nerves bulge from his forehead in anger.

"You two can talk, I need to check on Xue Meng", Chu Wanning said with a forced small smile and left before Mo Ran could say anything.

"A-Ran, I am sorry, I didn't want to impose on you, but Shizun has been like this since he woke up".

Chapter Text

It took a moment for Mo Ran to process what Shi Mei had just said, he was already in the fire of hell by just realising that Chu Wanning did not want to spend time alone with him, and now this sentence added onto his misery even more, leaving Mo Ran in a more agonizing space then before.

"What do you mean by that?", Mo Ran asked, a little hesitantly, quite wary of his own temper.

"You know, Shizun's been, ah just leave it like that A-Ran, I maybe overthinking things", Shi Mei shook his head disappointedly.

"Still, what is it?, maybe I can help if you tell me Shi Mei", Mo Ran insisted with a cute pout on his face.

"I said, it's okay, shizun treats all of us really well, I am just not used to it after five years of being apart", Shi Mei explained offering a wide smile.

"But", Mo Ran wanted to ask something.

"A-Ran, let's get back to training, shizun is still here", Shi Mei said, gesturing towards Chu Wanning with his eyes, as to not draw his attention and get scolded.

"Hmm", Mo Ran responded in a low voice and went back to his training, a spiral of thoughts souring his mood, he did not want to think about it, but he could not help it as well,, there was no way, he was just making things up in his head, he was sure, there was no way, Chu Wanning would never, it was a useless thought, a fear, nothing more, Mo Ran brushed the ghost of his past away and tried to focus on his training, that he barely managed to do.

......

In the evening, Mo Ran took a bath and put on a pair of black robes, he walked towards the old mirror on the wall of his room and got the comb to put his hair in a ponytail, thoughts filled with how he is going to talk to shizun and interact with him, once he was done, he looked into the mirror and started practicing, when his eyes fell on his reflection in the mirror.

"i...I look hideous, my face is so sharp, it looks like a criminal, my lips are too thin and my eyes...my eyes, they look monostrous, why...why am I so ugly, so hideous,so..so unlikeble, these robes, no no, how can I look like this, I can't go like this, Shi Mei is so beautiful, I can't let Shizun see me like this, this monster like form, absolutely not".

After an hour or so, the promised time to go down to the Wuchang town finally arrived, Mo Ran took a last glance at himself in the mirror, now completely satisfied with the way he looked and came out of his room.

He took a deep breathe and decided to pick up Chu Wanning on his own from the red Lotus pavilion, as he walked towards his Shizun's residence, he hoped that Chu Wanning would be happy to see him and maybe he would be willing to talk to Mo Ran and open up to him,he hoped desperately, as he sped up his steps to see his shizun a bit early, a bit more, just a bit, he thought smiling excitedly but as soon as the happiness to finally have reached the red Lotus pavilion peaked, it came crashing down when he saw the scene in front of him.

Shi Mei was holding Chu Wanning's hand, helping him down the stairs, while they talked and laughed about something, when Chu Wanning's eyes fell on Mo Ran and his smile stiffened, his eyebrows furrowed and he softly let go of Shi Mei's hand, his ears had turned pink and he looked down to avoid Mo Ran's gaze.

"He....He is disgusted with me, he does not want me here, he is with",.

A-Ran, you are here, we were just leaving, sorry for getting late", Shi Mei said, getting Mo Ran's attention from their shizun.

"Ah, no you are not late, let's.. let's get going", Mo Ran replied, half smiling.

"Hmm, Shizun, let's go", Shi Mei looked towards Chu Wanning, who appeared to be having a hard time with the weather, as his face and ears had turned red from the heat.

"Mhmm", Chu Wanning took a step forward, briefly looking at Mo Ran for a second before averting his eyes going forward, Leaving the two together, just as Mo Ran had wanted.

"A-Ran, you look good in red, if I knew, I would have worn something else", Shi Mei commented, straightening the sleeves of his robe.

"Ah, i did not know you were going to wear the same colour",Mo Ran replied, scratching the back of his head nervously, as he looked at Shi Mei's beautiful face that was far more better and likeable then Mo Ran's own ugly one.

"Ah, it's okay, it's good to match sometimes, haha", Shi Mei laughed loudly, trying to dissuade the awkward atmosphere.

"You are right, it's good to match, it's good", Mo Ran replied, and instead of the atmosphere easing up, it became more awkward and more stiff, the whole trip to Wuchang town was silent, turning complete opposite of what Mo Ran had planned it for to be, but he could not do anything but to look at Chu Wanning and Shi Mei from behind as they looked around the market, Shi Mei was explaining to Chu Wanning how roads and everything around Wuchang town had changed and what kind of shops were new, or where some specific items came from, laughing and talking just like they were when they were at Red Lotus pavilion, forgetting that there was someone behind them, watching them quietly, unable to do anything.

He wanted to talk to Chu Wanning too, he wanted him to pay attention to him like he was paying to Shi Mei right now, he tried to intervene and give some insight but Chu Wanning refused to meet  Mo Ran's eyes, refused to turn towards him and listen to him, his face was bright red, of course, why would not he be, he was with someone he loved,he had every right to be happy, what could Mo Ran do but just look at him and wish that the person Chu Wanning likes was him and not Shi Mei, but when he looked over at the other, dressed in the same clothes as him yet so different, he could not even wish, what right did he have, when Mo Ran had Chu Wanning, he had ignored him, destroyed him, humiliated him in front of everyone instead of loving and caring for him, so what right did he have to even wish for Chu Wanning's love, it was absurd, just too absurd.

The three looked around the market first and then went to the restaurant to have dinner, Mo Ran asked for a private room to eat, making Chu Wanning to frown but Shi Mei just smiled softly like usual.

"Does Shizun not like the restaurant?", Mo Ran asked in a low voice, as they were being led by the waiter to their private dinning room.

"No, it's good", Chu Wanning answered, his eyes glued to the ground.

The three took their seats as Chu Wanning sat in one of the chairs, Mo Ran sat opposite him and Shi Mei sat adjecent to Mo Ran. The waiter first served water and some seeds and then gave Menu to the guests, Mo Ran felt the smell of incense, messing up with his throat but ignored it,when Chu Wanning put his hand forward and extinguished it, making Mo Ran take a breathe of relief and smile shyly.

"Shizun, you can order anything you want, this meal is on me", Mo Ran said, looking hopefully at Chu Wanning's complex face as he scanned the menu.

"Their Sweet and sour Mandarian fish is the best though, you should try it", he continued with a small smile.

"Hmm, then I will get that and you can order whatever you want", Chu Wanning nodded his head and put the menu down to take a sip of his water.

Mo Ran looked at the menu a little longer and then called the waiter to take their order, he had ordered some mild dishes and then some spicy dishes that Shi Mei liked.

The room was silent for a while and then the waiter came with the dishes that they had ordered, Mo Ran silently helped the waiter to set the table, all the mild and sweet dishes were set up in front of Chu Wanning along with the sweet and sour nut Mandarian fish and everything else was set in front of Mo Ran and Shi Mei.

Chu Wanning noticed the small gesture and decided to play along with Mo Ran, after all he had to help Mo Ran to get closer to Shi Mei, but looking at it now, it must not have been true, Mo Ran must have asked Chu Wanning to come along with them just for formality and as a fool, Chu Wanning had agreed,  just how could it be otherwise, Mo Ran and Shi Mei were wearing the same clothes, eating the same food and even sitting together, it was just Chu Wanning who was alone, like a ghost, dressed In white, eating bland food, being a third wheel between his Disciples date.

"i am such a pathetic loser, how could I, this is so embarrassing", Chu Wanning thought looking at his two disciples who were sharing food and talking happily and made a decision for his own good.

Mo Ran noticed that Chu Wanning had not eaten any of the food yet, just staring at it mindlessly, afraid that Chu Wanning might not have liked it, he decided to ask.

"Shizun, try this".

"I need to go back", Mo Ran and chu Wanning spoke at the same time, both getting up, one to leave and the other to serve him some food, the sudden moment shook the table a bit, making the poor Shi Mei look up at them in  shock.

"What?"

"I..I need to go back", Chu Wanning said looking down again.

"Wh..why, you didn't eat anything", Mo Ran asked but Chu Wanning didn't answer, he just kept his eyes on the ground, unable to look at Mo Ran.

"He is happy that I am leaving".

"He does not even want to eat where I am".

"Shizun, why are you leaving so early?", this time it was Shi Mei who asked so Chu Wanning looked up at him and relaxed his expression.

"I remembered I need to do something, you two go ahead and eat", Chu Wanning answered in a calm voice and walked out of the private room, leaving Mo Ran in a trance, with tears filling up his eyes, as Chu Wanning left the restaurant it finally dawned at Mo Ran what had happened just now, he wanted to calm down, he really wanted to do.

Yes, maybe chu Wanning really had something important to do,it could certainly be that, but this time he could not let it go, no matter how much he tried, he could not let Chu Wanning run away so at thiz moment he did what he thought was the best, he looked at Shi Mei and apologised before taking out some money and silver taels and putting it on the table and ran after Chu Wanning ,he knew it was wrong and knew Chu Wanning would be upset but this was not the time to contemplate, he had to get answers,after running for a bit, Mo Ran found Chu Wanning walking back towards the shisheng peak and called out to him.

"Shizun", Mo Ran yelled but there was too much noise, people were bustling around so Chu Wanning could not hear it, so Mo Ran called again.

"Shizun"

Shizun".

"Chu Wanning, turn around", Mo Ran yelled at the top of his lungs, making Chu Wanning stop in his tracks and turn around to look directly in Mo Ran's eyes.

Chapter Text

"Chu Wanning", he could hear his name ring through out the city, making him stop dead in his tracks, this voice, he knew it, knew it very well the voice filled with anger and disappointment after all this voice had rung too many times in his ears throughout the years, "chu Wanning, Chu Wanning", these words were etched into his bones and soul, he turned around, ready to have his heart shattered when his eyes met a pair of dark violet eyes looking at him.

Mo Ran, ah it's  Mo Ran, the man who could not be his no matter how hard he tried, who hated him with all his soul, he was right,"I am not worthy of anyone's love, a heartless creature who only brought bad luck and misfortune", Chu Wanning thought as Mo Ran slowly stepped forward and started coming closer to him, until he was face to face with Chu Wanning.

"Shizun", Mo Ran called softly, his hands sweating as he looked at his Wanning with hesitation.

"What is it?", Chu Wanning asked in his usual cold and stern voice, trying to hide his emotions behind his coldness.

"Shizun, are..are you okay, is there something wrong, do you not like the food I ordered, did I do something that made you feel bad?", Mo Ran asked.

"What's there to feel bad about, didn't I tell you I had something to do back at shisheng peak, why did you come here and where's Shi Mei", Chu Wanning answered expressionlessly.

"I, Shi Mei is at the restaurant, I was worried about you so I came to look for you first", Mo Ran explained.

"You don't have to worry about me Mo Ran, I am your master, I can  take care of myself, go back now", Chu Wanning said with an angry expression on his face.

"Shizun, did this disciple do anything to upset you, why are you like this to me?", Mo Ran  finally blurted out, his voice laced with panic and anxiousness.

 But the words that had a tone of self belittling, sounded like a complain to Chu Wanning's ears, making him remember an old memory of his last life, he remembered Mo Ran ...no Taxian Jun looking at him with contempt in his eyes, his heart full of hatred towards Chu Wanning, he remembered the emperor of the cultivation word looking at him and saying all those cruel words to him and I between those words he occassionally complained."Wanning, shizun, you never paid attention to me, neither in the past nor now, do you hate me so much", Mo Ran asked everytime before saying how he had killed Shi Mei, how he had hated him because he was beautiful and kind and Chu Wanning's ugliness was apparent when Shi Mei was around, he had said the same words before he died, before he could no longer hear what Taxian Jun had to say, and it was a relief to be honest, he no longer wanted to hear those words, in his years of being with Taxian Jun, Chu Wanning had regretted every moment not dying at the heavenly rift.

"Shizun", Mo Ran called softly, pulling Chu Wanning out of his reverie.

"I am sorry", Chu Wanning said, lowering his eyes so that he didn't need to meet  Mo Ran's eyes that were full of contempt.

"No, Shizun", Mo Ran wanted to say something but Chu Wanning cut him off.

"I am sorry, I have not been a good shizun, especially to you and Shi Mei, I didn't treat you well enough" Chu Wanning explained with a sigh.

"No, Shizun, listen to me, I didn't mean that", Mo Ran tried to apologise, panicking, he didn't know why did he have to say those words, he actually...he meant to ask if he had done something wrong, if he had somehow hurt Chu Wanning, he didn't want this to happen, how could he say it, he didn't know, he could only curse himself for saying something that hurt Chu Wanning.

"No, Mo Ran listen to me, I was wanting to talk to you about it, but I didn't get enough time, I was meaning to ask you this..."

When Chu Wanning was reborn he wanted to stay and see his disciples being successful cultivators, something he could not do in his previous life, he wanted to, he really really wanted to, he didn't know what this Chu Wanning had done that the world was still intact, actually he didn't even remember one moment of this timeline before he woke up in this body, and when he did everything had changed, Mo Ran was Mo Ran, not someone with Long hatred flower and Shi Mei was alive too, Madam Wang and Xue Zhengyong were alive with everyone else in the sect, making Chu Wanning believe that he could start over with his disciples, but as days passed and he stood here now, he knew he could not continue it, everything was good but it hurt, it hurt his heart every waking moment and he wanted to get rid of this pain and everything and that's why he had said yes to Xue Zhengyong's proposal, he didn't know if it would ease the pain or make the love for Mo Ran in his heart disappear or worse, he didn't know anything but he had to try, so he did what he thought and steeled himself.

"Mo Ran, you three have grown up now and I see you have been doing very well without me, you have found your path and I am very proud of you, but you don't need me anymore, you can take care of yourself".

"What do you mean?"...

"I am leaving Shisheng peak in a few days,I know I have not been a good shizun to you so I hope you forgive me, now go back and find Shi Mei", Chu Wanning finally said, what he had wanted to for days and turned around to leave.

Chapter Text

"I will leave Shisheng peak in a few days". The words that Chu Wanning had said felt like a knife in the gut of Mo Ran, he wanted to chase his master,but his body did not move, determined to let Chu Wanning go, let him go so far away that there would not be a way for him to come back, let him go like he had wanted in every life, after all Mo Ran was but a dirty dog, a filthy lowlife who deserved all the loathing and hate,but still hearing those words from Chu Wanning hurt, he ,felt like his world became bleak, like the snowy day when his Wanning had died in his arms, begging him to let go of himself.

Mo Ran walked slowly towards the Shisheng peak, the rain that had started after Chu Wanning went away soaking him completely but he didn't mind, he knew he would not catch a cold, since he was strong, but was he really, like other people said, was he really that strong and invincible since Chu Wanning's words had so easily shattered his heart into millions of pieces, making sure he could never recover, making sure his heart was stabbed every second with those words.

Xue Meng was right all along, he was just a dog from streets who had never known what home was and when he saw Wanning, he tried his very best to preserve him by his side, biting and clawing at everyone who came close to Wanning to make sure he was the only who would ever see him, but he had long forgotten what Chu Wanning actually wanted and needed, what he preferred, he never asked slowly losing Chu Wanning along the way.

Now that the rain cooled down his burning eyes, Mo Ran was suddenly hit by a realisation, a realisation that destroyed him inside out, Chu Wanning, he never really said he wanted him, he was soft and warm like the sun so he deserved someone like that, someone who would share his burdens not Mo Ran, who once destroyed the whole world Chu Wanning gave his last breath for, he deserved someone who was like the rays of sunshine in his life, not Mo Ran who once forced him to kneel on the snow in the middle of the winter and then laughed at him for getting sick after kneeling for a whole day , he deserved someone who would hold him tenderly when he is sleeping, not Mo Ran who forced himself upon Chu Wanning while saying the most disgusting things to his Shizun's face, Mo Ran never really even deserved to have someone like his shizun in his life, after all the identity he was living by was not even his own, it was stolen from the boy he had killed in the fire.

Mo Ran's feet suddenly came to a halt when he realised that his traitor feet had led him to the door of Red Lotus pavilion, the rain seemed to have grown thundrous now but Mo Ran really didn't mind, he slowly wiped his face with the wet sleeves of his robe, trying to conceal his blood Red eyes.

"Shizun please forgive me", The words finally escaped Mo Ran's mouth and with a sudden loud thud, he fell to the ground on his knees, crying miserably.

"Chu Wanning I am sorry, I am sorry I made you suffer, I wanted to protect you but I turned crazy and hurt you, Shizun I wanted to give you my heart but I took your life, I killed you, I don't know how it turned that way but I became a monster, Shizun please forgive me, I wanted to be better then others but I turned out to be the worst, I want to carve out my heart shizun, it hurt, it hurt so much, that I wanted to die every day but you were still here and I could not leave you in this world by yourself, Shizun I just wanted you to pay attention to me___" Mo Ran said everything that he had ever wanted to tell his master or so he thought but the more he said the more miserable he became, Taxian Jun's memories seemed to haunt his soul and the constant question of why he turned that way had his soul being burned, but he could not recall anything, what had drawn him into that madness, paranoia and hate, what had driven him to kill so many people, he could not remember at all.

At this time the door of the Red Lotus pavilion seemed to open, Mo Ran tried to look up but before he could make out anything, a sudden darkness engulfed him completely, returning him to the days in Wushan palace after his Chu fei's death, those painful dark lonely days and nights that seemed to have darkened his soul to the core, when he was ready to submerge his soul completely into that cold that seemed to pour into his bone and freeze his heart forever, he felt a warm hand on his forehead, a soft worried voice calling out to him while trying to shake him, Mo Ran too wanted to open his eyes but he could not and  finally, death seemed to take him away from his  heartache and burning soul forever,to let him sleep peacefully for the eternity.

In the morning, the sun shone brightly in the room, a warm,soft hand was caressing his head slowly as if afraid of waking him up, Mo Ran turned to the other side of the bed to ignore the sun rays but could not sleep peacefully so after a few minutes, he was forced to open his eyes.

'i am not dead?' was the first thought Mo Ran had as his eyes shifted through the room restlessly, it was his own old room in disciple quarters, he turned around again to see who the person Caressing his head was.

"Good Morning A-Ran", Madame Wang greeted warmly with a smile on hwr face.

"Aunty, how did I get here?" Mo Ran asked in confusion, trying to decipher how he got back to his room when last night he was clearly in front of the Red Lotus pavilion.

"Yuheng found you in front of Red Lotus pavilion, drenched in rain and unconscious, so he carried you here and called for me, you were burning up the whole night", Madame Wang explained with patience in her usual warm manner.

"Hahaha,  I am really a burden to shizun, how many times has he carried me already, I am such a waste". Mo Ran replied in a self mocking tone.

"You are not a burden to anyone A-Ran, especially not to Yuheng he is very proud of you and he was so worried for you the whole night, he kept holding your hand and  checking your temprature every two minutes, he loves you alot and we all love you too". Madame Wang tried to reassure her nephew as she noticed how red swollen eyes.

"Yes, he loves me so much aunty that to get rid of me, he is leaving Shisheng peak forever and you love me so much that you did not even feel the need to tell me about it, I am so worthless that I don't even deserve to know that I am being abondoned by my own Shizun", Mo Ran said sarcastically even though he knew his aunty was not at fault for this, Chu Wanning must have asked them to keep it from Mo Ran, since he knew that the dirty dog would cause a drama, but he still could not help it, he needed someone, he needed someone to take the blame for him, for he was too cowardly to face the truth that Chu Wanning utterly hated him from all his heart.

"A-Ran, it's not like that, I love you so does Yuheng but your uncle and I didn't tell you about this matter because there is  a way we can stop yuheng from leaving, you know your uncle would never let him leave so easily, so the two made a deal, if we succeed in making what Yuheng said come true then he would not leave but if we don't he will", Wang Chuqing said in a distressed voice.

"There is a way we can stop Shizun from leaving, what is it, I will do anything Aunty, tell me what do we need to do", Mo Ran asked desperately since there was a chance he would do absolutely anything to atleast keep his Wanning in his sight.

"You don't need to worry A-Ran, we have already sent A-Meng, we hope he will return soon with a good news".Madame Wang informed him with a small smile.

"What,  why did you do that Aunty, what can Meng Meng do", Mo Ran asked irritated.

"Trust me, A-Meng is the best for this task, you and Shi Mei can't do it". Wang Chuqing said.

"At least tell me what it is, so that I can help Meng Meng", Mo Ran said again.

"No, let A-Meng come home, you would know for yourself, I don't know how to explain this to you, but believe me, only A-Meng can do it since he is the first disciple Yuheng took in". Madame Wang said making the clouds of worry and paranoia grew thicker and thicker inside Mo Ran.

Chapter Text

Mo Ran sat still in the bed, his eyes focused on something distant still thinking about the things his aunt had told him earlier.

What did it even mean, what could Xue Meng do that he could not, was not he stronger then the other two disciples of his master, then why did Chu Wanning choose Xue Meng and not him, was he right all along that Wanning liked Xue Meng both in his last life and this life.

Mo Ran could not make anything else of it, after all Chu Wanning had given up himself to Mo Ran in last life solely to save Xue Meng from his clutches, he had begged and cried when Mo Ran wanted to kill his only cousin, he had been right all along, Xue Meng had always been there even before Mo Ran came to the peak of life and death, he had also been there when they were married, so much that Chu Wanning would only talk to Mo Ran when he took Xue Meng's name.

Shi Mei was not the person he should have been wary about, no Chu Wanning would never like a weakling. Ahhh he had been made into a fool again, Chu Wanning was protecting Xue Meng silently all this time, and Mo Ran had no idea.

Mo Ran took a deep breath to calm his heart that seemed to beat at lightening speed, his hands were sweating but he could not do anything about it, he had to see Chu Wanning, he had to see him at this exact moment to know what he was thinking, so after a long time, Mo Ran got up from his bed and went to take a bath.

After an hour or so, Mo Ran was finally standing in front of the red Lotus pavillion, wearing his usual black robe as he steadied himself before knocking on his shizun's door.

He stood there for a few long minutes before finally getting the courage to step up and knock, he knocked a few times before Chu Wanning opened the door, looking as etheral and beautiful as ever, like a God in the mortal's world. 

Chu Wanning had always been Chu Wanning, gorgeous, strong powerful and the love of Mo Ran's life, but this love of his actually loved someone else and Mo Ran could not even stand the thought of it, he had to do everything while Xue Meng was away to try and win his Shizun over and he would go to any length to do so. 

"Mo Ran, are you okay now?", Chu Wanning asked as soon as he opened the door and stepped in front of his disciple.

"I am okay now shizun, can I come inside?", Mo Ran asked but he was still lost in thought, his eyes unfocused and words unclear.

"Yes". Chu Wanning answered getting out of his way as he showed Mo Ran to the chairs in the hall.

Mo Ran looked around the pavilion amused, his master was a genius person who always worked on various mechanical things to try and make something that could help help, but he was also messy and his place was always full of clutter and sharp objects, he still remembered how his feet were injured the first time he came to red Lotus pavillion to deliver a message from his uncle to his master, and could not walk for a few days, but today the pavilion was too clean, like it was shining, a small smile formed on Mo Ran's face as sat down on the chair.

"Xue Meng came the day before yesterday to clean the place", Chu Wanning explained as he looked at Mo Ran's amused face, which faltered as soon as he mentioned Xue Meng.

"But shizun, a few days ago, you barred everyone from coming in or touching anything, then why did you let  Xue Meng in and clean". Mo Ran asked a bit irritated, completely disregarding their current master disciple relationship.

"you know how Xue Meng is,  he started begging  so I could not help it, anyway he only follows the rules he likes". Chu Wanning answered sighing as he started making tea for Mo Ran.

"If you enforced boundaries with him as ruthlessly as you do with the rest of us, maybe he wouldn’t break them." Mo Ran hissed, he wanted to stop, he wanted to talk calmly but he could not, not when he knew Xue Meng had been here all alone with his Wanning for god knows how long.

"Mo Ran, what's wrong with you, why are you talking like that?" chu Wanning said.

"Because Shizun you have always favoured Xue Meng, you never say no to him, you keep him above all else, you always only think of him, what about us, what about me, why can't you ever see me, I am your disciple as well, why don't you look at me?", Mo Ran asked in a high pitch, completely unveiling his anger and jealousy, as he finally asked the thing that had been eating at him all this time.

"You three are all equal to me, I have never put any one of you above the other, as for Xue Meng you know how impulsive and easy to upset he is". Chu Wanning explained, as he tried to understand Mo Ran's abnormal behaviour all of a sudden.

"If you treat the three of us equally, then why didn't you tell us all together that you were leaving, why did Xue Meng get to know it before me, why is he the one who could stop you from leaving and not me, why is he the one who knows what you want but I am clueless". Mo Ran asked once again, making Chu Wanning's eyes winden in shock as he looked at him in shock.

"What, Xue Meng went where, what do you mean, what does the know?" , Chu Wanning asked as the realisation hit him hard, he had just told Xue Meng to be sure that nothing goes bad in this life and if Mo Ran spiralled into madness once again in this life, he would be able to save everyone including Mo Ran.

"When did he leave?", Chu Wanning asked again in a panic, he had thought he would be go from shisheng peak a few days later because Xue Zhengyong would not be able to fulfill the deal, but he had completely forgotten about having told Xue Meng.

"Yesterday". Mo Ran answered as he saw the look of disappointment and shock on his shizun's face.

"Hmm", Chu Wanning hummed in response as he was  still thinking about. What would happen if Xue Meng really got to the Zhu family, but even if he did, there were very less chances of him fulfilling the deal, he should not be able to, as according to the timeline, there should be no one there, just like last life, the Zhu family house right now should be abandoned forever.

"Shizun". Mo Ran called as he saw Chu Wanning had gotten lost in thought.

"Mo Ran, I would talk to you later, leave for now, I have something to do".  Chu Wanning said as he got up from his place to lead Mo Ran out.

Chapter Text

Chu Wanting sat on his bed dazed as he thought of the countless posssiblities of what was going to happen if Xue Meng really found someone in the Zhu family, what if he told them why he was there, what would they think of him, how would the person in question of his request react, Chu Wanting was sure he would hate him more than he already did, he would think Chu Wanting is a pervert, but he had only made the deal because he thought Xue Zhengyong could never fullfill what he had asked, but the whole thing backfired because he told Xue Meng.

And now all chu Wanning could do was to wait for Xue Meng and see what would happen, if things go according to last life, Zhu Household should be empty by now but too many things had changed in this life and it was possible there still was someone so Chu Wanning could only hope with all his heart because he did not want to suffer anymore humiliation.

Chu Wanning still remembered the conversation with Xue Zhengyong he had a few days ago, oh how he wishes he could go back in time and stop himself from spewing those cursed words, he still remembered how Sect leader Xue had asked him to get married and he said okay thinking he was all too smart, Xue Zhengyong was flabbergasted and had asked.

"Yuheng, what kind of girl do you like?, I will make sure to find your perfect life partner". Xue Zhengyong had asked cheerfully and Chu Wanning thinking he had become smarter and more thick skinned  after living through two lifetimes and two deaths had proudly answered.

"Sect Leader Xue, I do not wish to marry a woman but the heir of the divine Zhu Family, zhu Zhaolin if you can get him to accept me, I would get married, you have ten days". Chu Wanning had said, maybe because he thought that Xue Zhengyong and Madame Wang would actually get disgusted with him and ask him to leave the sect, it hurt to think that the only people who seemed to somewhat tolerate his presence would actually hate him, but if he could get away from Mo Ran this way, he was willing to do it.

"You have got good standards Yuheng, only Zhu Zhaolin can match upto you, but do you know how to find him, i am not pretty sure where they live, of you could tell us I would send a marriage proposal right now". Xue Zhengyong had said unexpected, maling Chu Wanning look up at him with wide eyes as if he didn't believe what he had heard.

"You don't know too?, then it can't be done in only ten days, we need more time to locate them after all the Zhu family members never come out, no one in the lower or upper cultivation world know where they are". He had continued, scratching his head as he looked at Madame Wang for some help.

Chu Wanning had sat there for a long time, unmoving, totally in shock as he looked at the couple trying to find a way to meet his absurd demand, how could they not react at all, as if it was completely normal and expected of him to like men, shit even the word in itself felt dirty to Chu Wanning, were they really okay with Chu Wanning wanting to marry a man or were they just trying to put a front and stop the embarrassing moment for themselves and Chu Wanning, he could not understand.

"I said I want to marry a man". Chu Wanning blurted out and only realised he had spoken out when the couple looked at him with smiling faces.

"I know, the Zhu Family had only one heir and we are totally proud of you yuheng   you actually thought of us as family that you could tell this thing to, we are greatly honoured". Xue Zhengyong said with a emotional tone to his words as he held Chu Wanning's hand like his he was his daughter who was going to get married and leave her parents forever.

"And we would make sure that your wish comes true, the Zhu family would be honoured too if they know the great Yuheng who saved the world actually wanted to marry their son, they are very lucky that you like one from their family, everyone wants you to look at them but you chose their son, they would be grateful to heavens  for the rest of their lives". Madame Wang added.

Chu Wanning could not gather why the husband and wife had gotten so delusional, it was not only that Chu Wanning was ugly and hot-tempered but they were talking about the Zhu Family, the only family that had five members who had ascended to heaven and completely denied being with any sect, and precisely Zhu Zhaolin, the youngest man to ascend to heaven in his last life, and these two over supportive people were saying they would be lucky if Chu Wanning married into their household, how funny, Chu Wanning could not help but laugh at the sheer absurdity of their words.

"But you have to remember you only have ten days, if you can't do it in given time, I will leave the sect and you can't say no". Chu Wanning added, as the couple looked at him in horror.

"Elder, why are you leaving". Madame Wang asked horrified.

"Nothing in perticular, i just want to leave and explore the world". Chu Wanning answered non-chalantly.

"No, how could it be nothing when you are just leaving like that, did Tanlang sat anything to you, or did A-Ran bother you, tell me Yuheng". Sect leader Xue asked warily.

"I told you nothing happened, that's that, if you can get them to accept the marriage, I would not leave". Chu Wanning had said, getting up from his chair, now looking back at it, he regretted every words he had speed out of his mouth, he would rather die then face Zhu Zhaolin again in this life, so he could only prey that he had already ascended like in the last life and never got to know of Chu Wanning's foolish words.