Work Text:
Dracula sits on his throne, his newly restored castle looming dark and grand. Suddenly, two DIICOT agents burst into the room, briefcases in hand, looking comically out of place among the Gothic grandeur.
„Domnule Dracul, suntem de la DIICOT. Trebuie să discutăm despre taxele neplătite.”
("Mr. Dracul, we’re from DIICOT. We need to discuss your unpaid taxes.")
Dracula, still seated on his throne, doesn’t even bother to rise. He raises an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed.
„Taxe? Sunt mort de o milenie. Nu sunt obligat să plătesc taxele muritorilor.”
("Taxes? I’ve been dead for centuries. I am not obligated to pay the taxes of mortals.")
The agents exchange confused glances, but Agent 2 remains firm, flipping open a folder filled with documents.
„Conform legii, indiferent de starea... fizică, toți proprietarii trebuie să plătească impozite pe proprietăți și venituri.”
("According to the law, regardless of one's... physical state, all property owners must pay taxes on their property and income.")
Dracula’s eyes narrow dangerously. as he steps forward. His shadow looms over the agents, clearly annoyed by their persistence.
„Venituri? Eu nu am venituri, doar sufletele celor care îndrăznesc să-mi calce pragul!”
("Income? I have no income, only the souls of those who dare enter my domain!")
The agents, not easily intimidated, pull out more paperwork.
„Și proprietatea? Castelul pe care l-ați reconstruit... e pe pământ românesc. Impozit pe terenul dvs. este datorat.”
("And the property? The castle you rebuilt… it's on Romanian soil. Property tax is due on your land.")
Dracula’s patience was wearing thin. He stood from his throne, his long cape sweeping the floor. His expression darkened, and his voice took on a dangerous edge.
„Am cucerit acest pământ de mai multe ori. Nu am datorii față de nimeni! Niciodată nu am plătit taxe, nici când eram muritor.”
("I have conquered this land countless times. I owe no one! I never paid taxes, even when I was mortal.")
Agent 2 sighs, seemingly unfazed by the growing tension.
„Domnule Dracul, dacă nu plătiți, vom fi nevoiți să confiscăm proprietatea. Sunt regulile.”
("Mr. Dracul, if you do not pay, we will be forced to confiscate the property. It's the law.")
Dracula stares at them, clearly reaching the limit of his patience. Pulling the Void Sword
With a casual flick of his wrist, Dracula summoned the Void Sword, its chilling blue glow illuminating the room. The agents froze as the temperature in the room dropped, the power of the Void spreading through the air.
Dracula smirked, lifting the sword.
„Ați făcut ceva când Satana a invadat țara? Sau a trebuit să mă ocup și de asta?”
("Did you do anything when Satan invaded this land? Or did I have to handle that as well?")
Without waiting for a response, Dracula moved with blinding speed, slicing through both agents with a single, precise stroke of the Void Sword. Their bodies collapsed to the floor, lifeless, as their souls were drained by the cold power of the blade.
Dracula stood over the fallen agents, staring down at them with disdain.
Dracula: (in Romanian)
„Statul vostru nu a făcut nimic atunci, și acum îndrăzniți să-mi cereți taxe? Eu sunt cel care v-a salvat de iadul însuși.”
("Your government did nothing then, and now you dare ask me for taxes? I am the one who saved you from Hell itself.")
The heavy doors creaked open, and Alucard walked into the room, his sharp eyes immediately noticing the two bodies on the floor. He raised an eyebrow, then looked at his father, who was now casually seated on the throne once more. "What happened here, father?"
Dracula leaned back in his throne, his expression calm, though a smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. "It seems they came to demand taxes from me."
Alucard glanced down at the agents again, his face impassive but a hint of dry humor in his voice. "And you couldn’t just explain that you're not obligated?"
Dracula chuckled, waving a hand dismissively. "I did explain. But they didn’t understand. I had to educate them in a more... definitive manner."
Alucard sighed, rubbing his temples, clearly used to this kind of chaos from his father. "Indeed, another typical way of handling bureaucracy."
Alucard sighed, his expression growing more exasperated as he realized:"They’ll send investigators... You know that, right?"
Dracula shrugged, unbothered by the thought. Alucard ran a hand over his face in frustration. Alucard facepalmed, shaking his head.
--
--
Marie in heaven watched "Good thing we didn't catch this times.."