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The podcast intro music fades out.
Joe Rogan leans into his microphone, looking across the table at his guest—Dracul, the Prince of Darkness/God's Champion seated with an air of regal calm "Alright, we’re here with Drakcool, an actual vampire. Dude, I gotta say, this is insane. You’ve been alive for, what, like... centuries?"
The vampire lord sits comfortably, one hand resting on his knee, the other lazily draped over the armrest of the chair. The dim light casts a haunting silhouette, but Dracul seems perfectly at ease.
Dracul was a little annoyed at how his name was pronounced, but inclined his head slightly, as though the answer was self-evident. "Yes. Over a thousand years."
Joe goes straight to expand the subject, nodding enthusiastically "Man, that’s just wild. You’ve probably seen some insane stuff. I gotta ask, I heard you were a beast in battle. Have you ever fought a bear?"
Dracul sits back, a small smile playing on his lips as he recalls his past. "I was a warrior for the Brotherhood of Light. I fought all kinds of creatures. One time, in the wilderness, I even killed a bear, with my bare hands, I was coming back from a mission, it got dark, and I needed to find a shelter"
Joe’s eyes widen in disbelief, Joe's jaw drops, and he throws his hands up in disbelief.. "Wait... what? You killed a bear... with your bare hands? Like, no weapons, nothing? Just you and the bear?"
Dracul nonchalantly "I held its arms, then with a swift motion I kicked him in the stomach after I somersaulted and I grabbed it by the throat and snapped its neck."
Joe Rogan blinks rapidly, leaning closer with wide eyes, then slaps the table in astonishment, grinning like a kid at Christmas "That’s crazy, man! Do you know how strong bears are?! Like, a grizzly bear’s paw swipe can break a moose’s spine! And you just... snapped its neck?"
Dracul raises an eyebrow, clearly amused by Joe’s amazement. "Greater Lycanthropes were harder to deal with than a bear"
Joe leans back in his chair, throwing his hands in the air, still processing the story.
Joe Rogan then laughed "Dude, that’s next-level alpha stuff right there! I’ve had experts on this show—guys who study bears, and hunt bears—but none of them can ever say they killed a bear empty-handed. You’re just out there like, ‘Oh, it’s a bear? Whatever.’"
Dracul chuckles softly, tapping his fingers against the armrest. "It was not the most challenging battle I’ve faced, I assure you."
Joe gestures wildly, turning to the camera, hyped up. "Let me tell you something. Bears are like nature’s tanks! They’ve got claws that can rip through you, they’re fast, they’re powerful, and their skulls are ridiculously thick. And you AS A HUMAN... kill one with your hands!"
Dracul tilts his head slightly, the faintest hint of amusement crossing his face. "When you’ve fought lycans and demons, a bear is simply nothing."
Joe’s hands slap the table again, laughing uncontrollably. "Bro, I’m done! You’re making me rethink everything I know about wildlife. Next time I see a bear, I’m gonna remember Dracul said it's 'simply nothing!'"
Dracul shrugs ever so slightly as if it’s all too obvious. "It's Dracul.."
Joe Rogan gasping for air between laughs "Most people can’t even deal with a raccoon in their trash, and you’re out here snapping bears’ necks! Like man... bears can run 35 miles per hour! They can swim, they can climb trees, they hibernate for months... and you just took it down with your hands? You know, I’ve seen videos of bears flipping cars over like they’re nothing! Cars, man! And here you are, killing one with your bare hands!"
Dracul subtly rolls his eyes, folding his hands in his lap.
"But bro, you don’t get it—bears are like the ultimate predators! Have you ever seen one stand up on its hind legs? They’re like 10 feet tall! Dude, what if it had stood up and tried to crush you? Did you just... snap and it was done?"
Dracul clenches his jaw, visibly trying to maintain his composure. "It was done. The bear is dead. I dealt with it."
Joe Rogan grins even wider "Wow. And that was before you became a vampire, huh? Man, imagine what you could do to a bear now! Do you think you’d be faster? Stronger?"
Dracul's voice getting colder "I’ve fought armies of demons and killed Satan himself. The bear is irrelevant, for god's sake"
Joe persistently insists "But you gotta admit, man, that’s a wild feat. Bears are like mini-tanks, right? You know how they say the only thing you should do when a bear charges is play dead? That’s because—"
Dracul’s patience finally snaps, cutting him off " I have conquered the entire world once. I have commanded armies and fought supernatural beings that would tear a bear apart like paper. Can we move on?"
Joe Rogan finally noticing Dracul’s frustration "Oh... uh, yeah, sure. Totally. We can move on... but seriously, a bear, man?! That’s... wow."
Dracul rubs his temples, muttering something in his native tongue, clearly regretting bringing up the bear in the first place.
Joe, still buzzing from the earlier conversation about bears, leans in again, his mind clearly racing with more bear-related thoughts. Dracul sits back in his chair, a faint glimmer of regret crossing his otherwise stoic expression.
Joe Rogan suddenly animated "Bro, I gotta ask... Have you ever fought a polar bear?"
Dracul’s eye twitches. He takes a slow, deep breath, mentally preparing himself for the next round of bear talk.
Dracul curtly "No"
Joe nods enthusiastically, ignoring the tone "Well, let me tell you — polar bears are next level. They’re the largest land carnivores on Earth! Like, they can take down seals, whales, whatever. They’ve got massive paws, and they’re just built to survive in the Arctic, you know? White fur, all that fat. Could you imagine fighting one of those? " Polar bears, man... they’re totally different! They’re stronger than grizzlies. Their bite force is crazy, and they can swim for miles! You know they’ll swim through ice-cold water to track their prey? You’d have to be seriously—like, seriously—ready to take one down."
Dracul sighs, clearly irritated "... I have fought ancient gods and demonic entities. I do not concern myself with bears, regardless of where they are from." Dracul his patience thinning "I do not intend to spend my immortal life wrestling Arctic wildlife."
Joe leans in, his eyes widening as he goes off on another tangent. "Man, you’d have to think strategically! Like, their fur blends in with the snow, so it’s all about how you’d even see them coming. But with your vampire senses... do you think you’d just sense the polar bear, or would you still have to fight it out?"
Dracul frowning, his voice cold "I don’t fight polar bears, Joe. I fight beings that would make a polar bear cower in fear."
Joe Rogan chuckling, unfazed "Yeah, but still, dude! Imagine just being in the middle of the Arctic and bam, there’s this huge polar bear staring you down. I mean, they’re territorial too, right? They’ll mess you up even if they’re not hungry! You’d have to go full berserker mode to take one of those bad boys down!"
Dracul flatly, barely containing his irritation "Enough about bears."
Joe Rogan oblivious, laughing "Oh man, okay, okay! But seriously, if you ever end up in the Arctic... watch out for those polar bears. I mean, sure, you’re Dracul and all, but a polar bear? That’s another level of beast!"
Dracul dryly, with a withering look I’m sure a polar bear is the ultimate threat to an immortal warrior who has fought the Devil himself"
Joe Rogan laughing it off, clearly enjoying himself "Hey man, I’m just saying, polar bears are no joke. Maybe next time we’ll get someone who fought a Polar Bear not just a bear actually fought one on the show. Could be a cool episode, right?"
Dracul in a low growl "I killed Satan, Joe. Not... bears."
Joe Rogan snickering "I get it, I get it! But... imagine.."
Dracul closes his eyes, exasperated cutting him off "I am done imagining."
Joe nods, completely missing the point
Dracul’s hand twitches, and he slowly rubs his temples, clearly realizing this conversation is going nowhere.
Joe Rogan awkwardly "So... uh... let’s talk about immortality then? Like, what’s that like? Also, what would a bear look like if it lived forever? Like, an immortal bear? Oh man, a Vampire Bear! Dude... what powers do you have? Imagine the bear having them"
Dracul under his breath "This was a mistake..."
Joe Rogan excited "Okay, but hear me out—this is nuts—who would win in a fight: a werewolf or a bear? Like, real talk. You’ve fought both, right? But bears, man, they’ve got insane power! Werewolves are fast and all, but I bet a bear could just swat one, and that’d be the end of it!"
Dracul clenches the armrests of his chair, his eyes narrowing as the Void Sword grows brighter, casting a cold, ethereal glow beneath the table. The blade is half-drawn, shimmering with energy, and frost starts creeping up the legs of the table. Still, Joe doesn’t notice. Dracul's voice is dangerously calm "I believe a lycanthrope would put up more of a fight than you assume, Joe."
Joe Rogan grins, completely unaware of the frosty temperature shift "Yeah, but c’mon, bears are crazy strong, dude! I had this guy on my show once, and he said a bear can decapitate a horse with one swipe. And you know how werewolves are always running around on all fours? I mean, what if a bear just grabbed one by the head and—boom—game over!" Joe Rogan excitedly continued "I mean, bears don’t need silver bullets, right? They’ve got raw power. Werewolves are fast and agile, but a grizzly could just... BAM! Knock 'em out with one hit. What do you think, man? Ever seen a lycanthrope lose to a bear?"
Dracul through gritted teeth "No, Joe. Because the lycanthropes I’ve fought don’t fight bears." ( he wasn't aware of one fight)
The sword pulses, a subtle cold mist rising from the blade now. Dracul closes his eyes for a moment, very aware of how easy it would be to end this conversation. Yet Joe remains blissfully engaged in his bear-worshipping fantasy. "And think about it, man—werewolves are, like, all rage and bloodlust, right? But a bear? They’re methodical. They’ve got strategy and survival instincts. I bet a bear would totally outsmart a lycanthrope in a fight. It’s not even close! A big ol’ grizzly would just pummel that sucker into the dirt."
Dracul sighed deeply and being sarcastic "I’m sure the bear would win"
Joe Rogan laughs "Right? I knew it! Bears, man—they’re just the ultimate predators." Dracul finally releases his grip on the Void Sword, letting the blade dissipate back into the ethereal mist. The frost retreats and the table returns to its normal temperature. He takes a deep breath, his patience somehow holding on by a thread. Dracul stares at him, the weight of eternity heavy in his eyes, deadpan "I’m leaving.
Dracul, after finally reaching his breaking point, dissolves into mist without a word, leaving Joe Rogan mid-sentence. Joe Rogan looking around, confused "Whoa... did he just... disappear? Man, that’s wild! Where’d he go? I have to bring someone else here. Aw man, c’mon! We’re just getting to the good part!"
The studio falls silent for a few moments, and Joe blinks at the empty seat in front of him, still processing what just happened. Suddenly, the mist reforms with a violent gust of wind, and there stands Dracul, regal and imposing as ever—but now, he's gripping a giant polar bear by the scruff of its neck. The massive creature growls low, its huge paws scratching the ground in panic, but Dracul’s grip is ironclad. His expression is one of cold annoyance.
Dracul deadpans "Here, Joe. A polar bear. Since you’re so obsessed."
Joe Rogan’s jaw drops as he stares at the massive beast in front of him, completely flabbergasted. The bear huffs, its breath visible in the chilly air Dracul brought back with him from the Arctic. "Wha—wait, how did you... Wh-what the hell, man? You really brought a polar bear here?! Are you insane?!"
As the enormous polar bear lets out a low growl, shaking the studio with its presence, Joe Rogan suddenly jumps up from his chair, his usual bravado vanishing in an instant. His eyes are wide with pure fear, sweat forming on his brow as he backs away from the massive creature. The polar bear turns its massive head toward Joe, sniffing the air.
Dracul, still standing regally beside it, grips the bear’s jaw with one hand, holding the creature in place as if it were a mere dog. His expression is cold, with a faint, mischievous glint in his eyes. "Calm yourself, Joe. The beast is under my control." Joe glances at the bear, his fear still palpable, as the massive animal eyes him up and down. Dracul tightens his grip on the bear's jaw, holding it steady. "I brought it here because you seemed so fascinated by its power. Now pet it."
"What?! No, man, no way! I’m not getting anywhere near that thing! It’s gonna rip my arm off!" Dracul, with a subtle smirk, pulls the bear’s head down toward Joe, making it lower its snout to within inches of him. Joe steps back, visibly trembling, his back pressed against the wall. "You spoke so highly of its strength. Surely a man like you, so knowledgeable of wild beasts, would appreciate the opportunity to touch one?" Joe Rogan being desperate "Bro, I—I was just talking! This is different! This is real! That thing’s huge!"
Dracul firmly "Pet. The. Bear."
Joe Rogan, swallowing hard, tentatively reaches out with one shaky hand. He hesitates, inches from the bear’s thick white fur. With a whimper, Joe’s fingers finally touch the cold, thick fur of the bear’s head. The polar bear sniffs him but remains still, restrained by Dracul’s grip. Joe lets out a shaky breath, barely believing he’s still in one piece.
Dracul, still holding the bear’s head, watches as Joe retracts his hand as quickly as possible, clearly shaken. Joe nervously laughed, still backing away "Yeah... right. Totally. Thanks for the... uh, experience." Dracul satisfied, releases the bear, which calmly stands beside him.
With a flick of his hand, the bear turns and slowly makes its way out of the studio through a portal leaving the room eerily quiet. Joe, still shaking, wipes his brow and tries to regain his composure. "Man, that was... intense. You really don’t mess around, do you?"
Dracul smirks "I do not." Dracul leaned back in his chair, an amused smirk creeping across his face "Next, I should bring in two grizzly bears?"
At that moment, Joe, his face paling at the thought, shot up from his chair, eyes wide with panic, his voice cracking "Okay, I’m out! This isn’t happening!"
He bolted out of the studio, leaving Dracul alone, the studio lights shining down on him as if he were the star of a show. With a playful chuckle, Dracul turned to the camera, clearly relishing the opportunity to commandeer the podcast.
"Welcome to the new Experience, featuring your host, Prince of Darkness! I will tell you unapologetically, what I think of the world today"