Work Text:
Lydia's mother says, "one day, you'll meet a nice boy and get married."
Lydia hears, "you have to meet a boy and get married."
*
She dates Jackson, because he's popular, because he looks good at her side, because he is going to go places, because they'll both be successful, because they fit, because neither of them is looking for anything serious. She goes to his lacrosse games, cheers for him, throws dirty looks at opposing teams. She hangs off his arm, laughs at his jokes, makes fun of people with him. She kisses him in the darkness of her bedroom, lets him touch her when it's too dark for either of them to see. They kiss because they have to. They fuck because they have to.
Lydia doesn't love Jackson, but she has to marry a nice boy one day, and for now, Jackson is the closest she'll get.
*
Lydia doesn't believe in god the way her mother does. Lydia's faith is more about handing over her problems when they get too big for her. She closes her eyes, and imagines there's someone out there who will make sure that she's okay. It helps her believe that things will get better, that no matter how hard things are, no matter how empty she feels, one day, it will be okay. One day, she'll be fine.
*
Allison is gorgeous, beautiful black hair, and wide brown eyes. She laughs when Lydia jokes, tugs her close when they walk to class together. Allison's hugs warm Lydia the way Jackson never could. Her smile sets Lydia's heart racing, her pulse thundering, and Lydia has to untangle herself from Allison's hands.
"What's wrong?" Allison asks, frowning.
Lydia laughs, and pulls out her compact mirror. "Make up," she says, smacking her lips together to even out her lipstick.
Allison gives her a fond look, and walks next to Lydia, making sure Lydia doesn't run into anyone as she concentrates on her reflection.
They get to class early, and Lydia makes a show of pulling out her books and laying them out on her desk. She waves away Allison's help, and pretends to be absorbed by the ticking clock.
*
There is a difference, Lydia learns, between being okay with people loving whoever they want, and being okay with herself loving girls.
But maybe it's not girls, Lydia thinks, desperately. Maybe it's just Allison. Maybe Lydia just doesn't love Jackson, doesn't quite want to be near any other guy--but, one day. Maybe, one day.
*
Lydia turns seventeen, and Jackson leaves. Allison dates Scott, then Isaac, then Allison is gone, and a small part of Lydia is relieved. She's disgusted with herself for it, hates how dirty she feels, how her life is slipping out of control. She hears people screaming in her head. She felt Allison dying, felt Derek go. She dreams of Malia bleeding out, of Scott torn apart, of Stiles, of Hayden, and Liam. There are too many people for her to lose, too much in her life to dwell on things that matter very little.
She cries during Allison's funeral. Then, she pulls herself together and goes on, because that's what she does.
"You'll be fine," Lydia's mother says.
Lydia hears, "you have to be okay."
*
Kira is beautiful, with dark hair and brown eyes. She's clumsy and eager, her eyes wide and innocent. She smiles and Lydia wants to curl up and cry. Kira holds her hand, her smile sweet, and Lydia's heart thunders in her chest.
Lydia cries without meaning to, heavy sobs that choke her. Kira holds her through it, her small hands rubbing soothing circles on Lydia's back. Lydia sits on the chairs outside of the school, the wind blowing the yellowing leaves off the trees, and cries until she can't anymore. She cries because Allison is gone and Lydia is replacing her with Kira, because part of her itches with desire whenever Kira is too close, because her mother once told her she had to marry a nice boy.
"It's okay," Kira says.
"It's not," Lydia says.
Kira frowns, worry wrinkling her forehead. Lydia looks at her, and it's too much, the wind, her sobs, how very tired Lydia is of almost dying, of the constant danger. She doesn't want to care about Kira this way, not if it means there's another person for Lydia to lose.
"Hey," Kira says, trying to smile even through her worry.
Lydia inhales.
Then, without really knowing why, she leans forward and kisses Kira. It's quick, just a brush of lips that leaves Lydia breathless, and it's never been this good with any of the boys she's kissed. It's never been this easy, this freeing, this overwhelming.
Kira makes a small noise of surprise, and Lydia pulls back so fast, Kira tips forward.
"I have to go," Lydia says, standing.
She doesn't look back at Kira as she leaves.
She doesn't apologize, either.
*
Lydia kisses Aiden because she wants to feel something. She pushes him down onto the floor of a supply closet and fucks him, fucks him harder when all she can think of is how warm Allison had always been. She closes her eyes and pretends she feels anything besides detached pleasure as she comes.
She sleeps with the cute senior from her AP Chemistry class, then with some boy who walks out of the bar Lydia's driving by. She fucks Aiden again, then another boy, a college freshman. She kisses Parrish, because he's easy and there, and she feels nothing.
Then, one day, she wakes up in the middle of the night, cold and angry. It's a Friday night, so she tosses on one of her shorter dresses, and leaves her house. She doesn't bother being quiet, knows her mother won't hear or won't care. She drives to one of the bars by The Jungle, parks her car, and goes to the entrance. The bouncer takes one look at her and lets her in.
Lydia goes home with the beautiful blonde, who winks at her. The girl has bright blue eyes and a voice that feels like sand scraping down Lydia's back. They fuck, both of them eager. The blonde is gentle with Lydia. She whispers quietly in Lydia's ear, kisses her, curls up against her, after. They fuck, and something breaks free in Lydia's chest.
She leaves right after.
*
It's the not knowing.
Lydia doesn't believe in God the way her mother does. She doesn't go to church anymore, because she's tired of the judgement, of the silent disapproval from the congregation, when Lydia knows that most of them are doing things worse than loving girls. She is at peace with her choices, but the fact remains: she's not sure.
She doesn't believe in a vengeful God, but she believes, and because she does, it matters to her what God thinks. She's too afraid to ask her priest, so she can't be sure that she's not doing something wrong. Not even when it doesn't feel wrong. Not even when sleeping next to a beautiful girl fills her with a comfort she's never felt before. Not even when a smile from Kira is enough to ease all the tension from Lydia's shoulders.
She's not sure, and it's killing her.
*
During the beginning of their senior year, she kisses Kira for the second time.
They're sitting in the library instead of going to the cafeteria, books out on the table, but neither of them actually reading. Kira is on top of the desk, slightly to the right of Lydia's chair. She's swinging her legs, her bare calf brushing every now and then against Lydia's arm.
"Come here," Kira says. "Stand up."
Lydia does so without much thought. Kira looks at her, head tilted to the side.
"What?" Lydia asks.
"Nothing," Kira says.
Then, she pulls Lydia in and kisses her.
*
Kissing Kira becomes an obsession. Lydia does it so often, she memorizes the shape of Kira's lips, the breathy sounds she makes when Lydia presses her against her bedroom wall. They kiss in supply closets, in the darkness of their bedrooms, in Lydia's car, behind the school.
"I love you," Kira whispers in between kisses, somewhere between the hand holding and the fucking.
Lydia hugs her tight, every fiber of her being wanting this.
The problem is, she wants to believe in a loving God, but she's not sure. She doesn't know, hasn't asked. She's afraid that she'll go to church and her priest will tell her this is wrong. Lydia is afraid that she will care too much, that she'll have to choose between the thing that's always given her comfort, and loving herself.
"I love you," Kira says.
Lydia just hugs her tighter, kisses her harder, and pretends everything is okay.
*
Lydia goes to her priest on a whim.
One day, she's walking hand in hand with Kira. Malia and Kira are laughing at Scott and Stiles, and Lydia is rolling her eyes at all of them. And somewhere in between Kira's wink and Scott's bright smile, Lydia realizes she's happy.
So, she goes talk to her priest.
"There's nothing to be afraid of," he tells her.
Lydia hears, "you're free."