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Jamie hadn’t even wanted to go to the amusement park today. He didn’t have many days off, especially with the extra training sessions with Roy. He had been looking forward to doing absolutely nothing. There was a new season of Bake Off that he’d been saving up for this weekend. He and his step-dad, Simon, liked to watch together, texting their live reactions to the episodes.
Bake Off had been the thing that had helped Jamie connect with Simon, back when Jamie was still a young teenager. He’d been initially very resistant to Simon. He and his Mum had been totally fine. They’d been on their own for nearly all of Jamie’s life, apart from the stints when his dad had tried to get his claws back into them.
He genuinely has regrets about how he treated Simon at the start. He probably should apologize. They’d all just kind of moved on, Jamie and Simon’s relationship gradually improving over the years. Maybe he’d give Simon a legit apology next time he saw him.
But, as it were, Jamie would not be watching Bake Off.
He couldn’t say no to Phoebe. He could empathize with Roy, because it was tough. It was her birthday, and they had arranged for her birthday party to take place at the amusement park.
So, here he was.
“Thanks for being here, Jamie,” Natalie said. “It means a lot to Phoebe. She’s been up since 4:00 this morning, packed and ready to go.”
“Can you blame her?” Jamie jokes. “Got good taste, she does. Surprised she wanted Roy here though. Bit redundant. Already got a top premier league footballer. The most top one.” After a bit he clarified, “me.”
“Fuck off, Tartt,” Roy groused, walking up behind them with Phoebe riding on his shoulders.
“That’s a pound, Uncle Roy,” Phoebe said, holding her hand down in front of Roy’s face.
“Jamie can pay you. Wouldn’t have had to swear if that twat wasn’t here,” Roy said. “Anyways, you two are gonna be off on your own for a bit. Your mum and I need to go set up for your party.”
He hefted Phoebe off of his shoulders and placed her on Jamie’s. “Buy her whatever the fuck she wants.”
Natalie and Roy walked over towards a park employee.
Jamie stood there a minute, watching them go. He hadn’t been informed of this ahead of time and was a bit nervous. He shook it off and focused his attention on Phoebe.
“Alright, kid. Where ‘m I goin?” Jamie asks, doing a slow spin for her.
“That way!”
Jamie had to crane his neck to see where she was pointing. After confirming his headings, he took off in the direction of some of the water rides.
Forty minutes and several rides later, Jamie was feeling more queasy than he wanted to admit. He’d been keeping up with Phoebe, but she seemed genuinely unphased by the movement of the rides. Currently, he was sipping some water, having gotten Phoebe to slow down with the offer of a soft pretzel, allowing him to catch his breath.
His phone started buzzing.
“Bout time, Royo. I’m one ride away from puking me guts out.”
“Better you than me,” Roy answered. “We’re done with set up, and her little friends should be arriving any minute. You two need to head back to the picnic area.”
“On our way,” Jamie said. Phoebe had been sitting next to him eating the pretzel, but when Jamie glanced around to start herding her in the direction of her party, she was gone. “Fuck.”
“Tartt?”
“Roy, she’s gone. She were sat here a minute ago. Fuck!”
“What the fuck do you mean, Tartt?” Roy growled. “Did you fucking lose my niece?”
“No! We were just sat here,” Jamie said, starting to panic.
“Where are you?”
“By the monkey ride? Next to the food. Fuck!”
Roy had hung up, obviously rushing over to help him look. Jamie kept spinning in circles, not spotting Phoebe. He climbed up onto one of the picnic tables to get a higher vantage point. “Phoebe!”
Jamie wanted to throw up. He couldn’t breathe. Every second that Phoebe didn’t pop up in front of him felt like an hour. He was getting looks from the people around him, annoyance more than concern. He didn’t give a fuck, though.
It didn’t take long for Roy and Natalie to come running up.
“Oi!” Roy shouted, getting in Jamie’s face, causing him to flinch. “How the fuck did you manage to lose her? Were you even fucking watching her? Just sat here in the shade playing on your fucking phone?”
He didn’t give Jamie a chance to respond, just shoved away from him and started searching. Natalie was already checking with the other guests at the park, showing them a picture of Phoebe on her phone and asking if they’d seen her.
Jamie knew he should help. He knew that the more sets of eyes looking for Phoebe the better. But he couldn’t move. His feet felt like they were made of lead. His vision was starting to blur around the edges. He couldn’t fucking breathe. His brain was telling him to run, but his body was anchored. Eventually he gave in to the shaking in his legs and sat down heavily on the ground.
He’s not sure how much time had passed. Eventually, he’s drawn back to the current moment by a tap on the knee. He opened his eyes and uncovered his ears to find Natalie kneeling in front of him.
“Phoebe’s fine, Jamie. Roy’s got her. She was right around the corner,” she said softly. “She’s totally unfazed. Didn’t even realize she was lost.”
Jamie swiped uncoordinatedly at his face with the back of his hand, wiping the tears he didn’t realize had been falling.
“Jamie, I need you to breathe, okay?” Natalie said, placing her hand gently on Jamie’s shoulder.
He just shook his head, chewing on his lip.
While Natalie had been initially concerned when Roy conveyed the message that Phoebe had gotten lost, she hadn’t freaked out like Roy had. She knew her daughter well enough to know that she’d probably seen something interesting and gotten distracted, not realizing she’d wandered off. It’s happened to Natalie enough times just at the grocery store.
Phoebe had been a lot better about staying close, but in a place as exciting as this, she wasn’t surprised the wandering tendency had returned. Obviously Natalie was scared, but years as a single parent and an emergency room doctor had made it easier to not lose her shit in these situations.
As she’d predicted, Phoebe was just around the corner from where Jamie had planted himself. She had seen someone walk by with balloons and wanted to buy one with the coins jingling in her pocket.
Roy had pulled her into a tight hug and bought every balloon the guy was carrying before heading back to the party with her. He spared a glance at Jamie, but just rolled his eyes before asking Natalie to check on him. Natalie knew that Roy would need some time to cool down and focused her attention on Jamie.
Natalie was worried Jamie would pass out with the way he was hyperventilating. She’d seen many panic attacks from patients and loved ones at the hospital, and the occasional doctor or nurse.
She needed to ground him. Needed to get him to breathe. She used the point of contact she already had with her hand on his arm and walked her hand around to his back so she could pull him into a hug.
He’d melted into the hug, but his arms were still laying limply in his lap. “Jamie, I think you’re having a panic attack. But you’re okay. I promise. Everyone is okay, sweetheart.”
Jamie was slowly starting to calm down, his breaths getting gradually longer and deeper. She focused her attention on the people around them, glaring at anyone who lingered too long. While they seemed to have the decency to not form a literal crowd, the slow walking gawkers were still unwelcome.
“That’s it, Jamie. You’re doing great,” she said after a particularly shaky sigh from Jamie. Natalie ran her hand through his hair.
Jamie had finally gotten on top of his breathing, taking steady breaths now rather than gasping.
“There you go, Jamie,” Natalie said. “Well done, you.”
It was another few minutes before Jamie started pulling away. He immediately became hyper aware of all of the eyes on him, causing him to pull his hood up over his head. It wasn’t particularly chilly outside, but the hoodie was a comfort blanket and Jamie was so glad he decided to wear it today.
Natalie smiled sadly at him, straightening out his hood before sitting back.
“‘M so sorry, Nat. I was watchin’ her. Swear down,” he said, desperately needing her to forgive him.
“Jamie,” Natalie said, grabbing his shaking hands. “Phoebs is absolutely and completely fine. She was only a few meters away from you. And she knew right where she was the whole time.”
Jamie shook his head. She was being too understanding. He’d lost her fucking kid, for fucks sake.
Natalie sighed. She wanted to get him off the ground and away from the noise of the busy walkway as soon as possible. Realizing that continuing to talk at Jamie wouldn’t help, she simply stood up and held her hand out for him. He took it immediately, getting to his feet.
Natalie linked arms with him and he allowed himself to be led in the direction Roy and Phoebe had disappeared.
They walked in silence for a bit. Jamie could sense Natalie looking at him every once in a while.
“I lost Phoebe at a Marks and Spencer a few years ago,” she said, breaking Jamie out of his reverie. “For a solid ten minutes. I was an absolute mess, calling her name and running from aisle to aisle. They locked down the store and the staff all helped me search. Eventually I found her in the kids section with her arms full of stuffies.”
Jamie nodded, not saying anything. She was trying to make him feel better, he knew that. But all Jamie could think about was Roy’s face when he’d yelled at him. He felt a bit like he was walking towards the gallows.
He was trying to come up with an escape plan. He’d ridden with them in Roy’s car, but he could just call a cab. Claim to not feel well. Anything to keep him from having to face Roy today.
“Thanks for tryin’ to make me feel better,” he said. “But I’m just gonna go home, yeah?”
“Nope. Sorry, Jamie. I don’t want you going home and beating yourself up about this.”
“Not gonna beat meself up,” Jamie argued. “Roy might, though.”
Natalie laughed. “His bark is meaner than his bite.”
Jamie scoffed. “Been on the receiving end of his bark and his bite, and they’re both pretty terrible,” he said. His first year or so at Richmond was pretty contentious, with many scuffles occurring between Jamie and Roy.
“Let me talk to him first,” Natalie said.
Jamie stopped walking and turned to face her.
“Yeah?” he asked, looking hopeful.
“Of course.”
Jamie pulled her into a tight hug.
“Thank you,” he mumbled into her hair.
In the end, Roy had already realized he’d been too harsh before Natalie confronted him. He had been so scared at the idea of losing Phoebe. All of the possible scenarios had immediately began playing in his head when he’d hung up with Jamie.
But, he’d had time to calm himself down during the walk back with Phoebe. She hadn’t even realized the panic she’d caused, the whole ordeal taking place in a matter of five minutes.
Well, Roy’s ordeal ended after those five minutes. Jamie was still very clear going through it. He knew Natalie had things under control. She was the much better option for getting Jamie through whatever this was.
It was another twenty minutes before Natalie and Jamie approached. Jamie’s hood was up and he was holding onto Natalie’s arm for dear life.
Natalie deposited the younger footballer at a table near the edge of the picnic area before walking over. Roy sighed. He’d always be a little bit afraid of his big sister, and he knew a lecture was coming.
Roy beat her to it. “I know I fucked up. I shouldn’t have taken it out on the kid.”
Natallie sat down on a bench and gestured for him to join her, which he reluctantly did.
“He okay?”
Natalie nodded. “He’s fine. Still a bit on edge, but a panic attack will do that.”
“Fuck,” Roy said.
“You should check in on him. The only reason he’s still here is because I promised I’d talk to you first.”
Roy nodded. He stood stiffly and walked over to Jamie, trying to keep his gait non-threatening.
Jamie looked up at him from where he was sitting at the table, head resting on his folded arms. Roy could see him take a steadying breath.
“It wasn’t your fault, Tartt. Phoebe wanders.”
“Shoulda been watching more careful.”
“It’s over. She’s got no fucking clue anything even happened. She’s just happy to have balloons to give to all her little friends.”
Jamie didn’t say anything but he looked up again from his arms to see the group of kids with their balloons.
“I panicked,” Roy said. “Shouldn’t have taken it out on you like that. Shouldn’t have gotten in your face like that.”
“‘S fine,” Jamie mumbled. He sounded exhausted.
“It’s really not, but I’m not gonna argue about it. Just wanted you to know that I’m not angry with you,” Roy said.
Jamie nodded, head still resting against his arms.
He did look up when Phoebe ran up and tapped him on the shoulder.
“I saved one for you, Jamie!” she said, handing Jamie a balloon with confetti inside. She hugged Jamie around the shoulders before running off.
“Don’t want you to fucking mope the whole party, yeah?” Roy said, patting Jamie on the back. “Come on, there's cake.”
He held his hand out for Jamie to grab, pulling him to his feet. “What kind of cake?”
“Funfetti.”
“Oh, hell yeah,” Jamie said, allowing himself to be pulled in the direction of the cake.