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He doesn’t know how long it’s been since all of this was finally over.
He doesn’t keep track of the days anymore, it seems more like a blur than anything anymore.
Yuuji stays in his room, staring blankly at the wall for a little too long, he looks down at his hands and moves his fingers a little, or at least what’s left of them anyways, after all he lost a few in the fight. There are scars running along his arms, they’re small and he thinks that after a while they might go away, but part of him isn’t exactly too sure on that.
It still feels so surreal, his world was turned upside down within a matter of months, and then flopped to its side again.
Jujutsu is real, curses are real and the strongest sorcerer of their time saved him. Then Gojo died. October 31, Nobara was killed by Mahito, right in front of Yuuji, one of her eyes popping out of its socket, or that’s what they thought. She wears an eyepatch though, so that’s different.
Megumi, the first person that he ever met in this crazy society, the one who told Gojo to save him from execution was taken over by Sukuna and had lost the will to live. But he’s here now, he has scars that mimic Sukuna’s, he’s stared at that face long enough to know.
He knows that Megumi has in a sense too.
Megumi thinks he doesn’t know but he does, Yuuji knows what Megumi looks a little too long in the mirror, the way his eyes seem to glance over each and every line of scarred tissue on his face.
It’s even worse on his body, there are scars from where two more arms should be and one on his stomach. He remembers it when he saw Megumi come out of the shower one time, it looked horrible, just patches of torn and ripped skin that they both knew would never heal. Yuuji knew that when he first saw it he stared too long at them.
He knows that Megumi tries to cover up his scars, Yuuji doesn’t know why but it makes him feel sick, like something nagging at the back of his head. You did that .
He knows that it was Sukuna, he knows that Sukuna was the one who took over his body, who crushed what was already so little of his will to live.
Yet it doesn’t feel like that.
Everytime he sees Megumi he wants to throw up, because he did that. Every time Megumi enters the room part of him wants to look away, walk away even and pretend that Megumi isn’t there because maybe it would be best for the both of them.
Being so close was the reason that Megumi got hurt in the first place, Yuuji being stupid enough to make a binding vow with a literal curse is what got them there in the first place. Yuuji living was what got them here, and it sucks because him not wanting to live would be selfish of him.
So many people sacrificed so much just so that he’s still standing, Gojo went out of his way to make sure he was executed, he even ended up dying in the end yet he never blamed Yuuji.
Never.
Yuuji grabs at his shoulders, hugging himself tightly. Sukuna is gone now, he knows that. But he can’t trust himself, he can’t. Not when he’s the reason, he’s the main cause for all of the suffering that’s happened now.
He can’t trust himself, and definitely not with Megumi, and it hurts having to try and avoid him. It really does, mostly because when Megumi was taken over he realized something he probably should’ve a long time ago. He was in love, in love with the guy who saved him and who he had befriended.
He only realized it after he was taken over and he thinks that Sukuna realized it too, with the way that he was taunting him and laughing at his pain, maybe he knew from the start though and that’s just another reason why he targeted Megumi.
He hears the door clicking and looks up seeing none other than Megumi opening it, his eyes looking down at him, and there are the scars. Those horrible things, just another reminder for him about what he couldn’t protect, about what his existence caused.
Truly he can’t think of a more cursed person than him.
“Hey,” Megumi begins, he sits down next to Yuuji, leaning his head against the wall and facing away from him, as if to hide his scars. Great, just another thing that he’s ashamed of because of Sukuna, because of Yuuji.
“Hi Fushiguro,” he says his name numbly, he wants to use his given name, but he doesn’t. He probably doesn’t deserve to anyways.
“You’ve been stuck in your room all day y’know,” Megumi mutters, Yuuji watches as his hands toy with his sleeve as if trying to look anywhere but Yuuji’s face. “Left me with Kugisaki, she wasn’t too happy about that. Apparently I’m not the funnest guy to be around,” Megumi laughs a little at that, although it's dry and holds no humor to it.
“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about, you’re plenty of fun to be around Fushiguro,” He tries to make his words sound happy, although they don’t come out that way and he knows it.
“That’s not why I’m here though,” Megumi looks over to Yuuji and Yuuji can’t help but frown a little, his eyes scanning the scars and mocking him as if saying ‘ you, of course it was you’ . Megumi turns away from him again and Yuuji hates himself again. “You’ve been in your room all day, plus you’ve been… ignoring me, like- you’ve been distant with others but with me it’s just…” Megumi trails off and Yuuji can’t help but notice the way he brings one of his hands up to his face, almost like to cover the scars that Sukuna gave him.
“I’m sorry,” Yuuji mumbles, and he is. He’s sorry that he can’t be around him anymore because he wants to. He wants it so bad, he wants it like a dying man to water. He wants it like the blind wants to see the light. He wants it more than anything, but he wants to also protect it more than anything. He wants to make sure that above all Megumi is safe and he can’t do that if he’s around him.
What if there were still some parts of Sukuna left in his body, waiting for the perfect moment to strike and take control over his and Megumi’s bodies again? How can he risk that, how can he trust that everything will just be fine now, that Sukuna’s gone and not planning on hurting any of them ever again while Yuuji’s still around. As long as Yuuji lives, can any of them truly ever be safe? How can he be sure of anything anymore, his world isn’t the same. It hasn’t been for so long, for too long.
“Well it’s just,” Megumi begins, Yuuji tries to ignore the distant tone in it, as if he’s focussing on something else. “It's just that… do I… do I remind you of him?” Megumi only turns farther away from Yuuji as if trying to shield his skin from his eyes.
“What?”
“Do I remind you of Sukuna?”
Yuuji doesn’t know what to say, he keeps looking at Megumi and all of the sudden hates that he can’t see his face, his long eyelashes or his green eyes, his resting pouty face or his pale cheeks. He doesn’t know what to say so he repeats what he said before.
“What?”
Megumi finally turns around to look at Yuuji, although Yuuji notices the way that his hand covers his scars. “It’s just that you’ve been avoiding me recently, and I get it- I mean, I’m not the biggest fan of me right now with everything that’s happened, with everything that I’ve… done,” Megumi’s hand tightens a little at those words and Yuuji wants to hold him, but he doesn’t.
What about Sukuna?
“So I- I just wanted to know if it was me, cause I don’t want to be the reason that you’re unhappy here, the reason that you leave a conversation midway or anything like that. I- I just want …” Megumi doesn’t finish his sentence, instead bedding his head down and covering it with his hands muttering something along the lines of ‘why is this so hard?’ for a second it makes Yuuji smile, if only just a little bit.
“I want you to be happy Itadori,” is what Megumi settles for, it’s mumbled and he’s not looking at him, almost as if the words weren’t meant for Yuuji. “I want you to be happy,”
Yuuji reaches his hand out, almost flinching at the site of it. The way it seems beaten and battered down by the constant fighting. The way the skin seems to twist and turn on his bones, it doesn’t look very nice to him, he wants to take it back but he doesn’t. He doesn’t move it either, it’s just awkwardly hovering between the two of them.
Before he sets it down.
He feels Megumi’s slight surprise but the other doesn’t say anything about it, instead looking up to finally face him.
“I don’t hate you Fushiguro, it's just… all of this I guess,” Yuuji laughs and looks back at the wall blankly, there was a time when he would wonder about the next poster he’d put up on it, although that time seems so far and distant from now. “I’m the reason this is happening, or that this happened and I don’t want it to happen again y’know?” He glances over to Megumi and for a second he watches the other’s gaze soften when they meet.
“I was the reason that Sukuna was brought back, I was the reason that he went rampant in Shibuya, I was the reason that he hurt you, that he hurt everybody. Hell I even made a fucking deal with him after the detention center,” Yuuji laughed bitterly, he still doesn’t fully remember that deal, no he doesn’t remember it. At least he doesn’t remember it happening. Who knows what else they could’ve agreed upon. Who else knows how stupid he was?
“And I don’t remember that deal, I don’t remember what happened or talking to him. What if I did something? Like I don’t know, made another deal with him of some kind? Like when I’m dead he can use my body?” Yuuji could hear the distress in his voice. “What if I did something or said something that I shouldn’t have or forgotten another stupid term or condition and what if he uses that to hurt you? I can’t go through that Fushiguro,” Yuuji couldn’t part his gaze from Megumi’s just staring at him.
“I mean I’m the reason why you keep hiding your face and stuff, the reason why you’re so self conscious of your own skin. I made a deal with Sukuna and you, you suffered for it. I- I can’t trust myself anymore,” Yuuji blinked away his tears, but they only rolled down his cheeks silently.
“I’m the reason for all of this and you can’t deny it, you can’t say that I’m not because it’s true-”
“Then I’ll take part of the blame too,” Megumi said suddenly and by the look of his own face he seemed to surprise himself with those words as much as he did Yuuji. But he didn’t stop, he pressed on, taking a deep breath before continuing.
“If you living is the reason why all of this happened then you shouldn’t be the only one to shoulder that burden, I’m the one who asked Gojo-sen- I’m the one who asked for you to be spared,” Megumi stuttered a little at the mention of Gojo, and Yuuji tries not to wince.
“And if you want to go that far then everyone who was in favor of you living should be held accountable for this,” Megumi pressed and they both knew what that meant. An unspoken name between the both of them. Gojo . “But I don’t see you blaming any of them for what happened, Itadori, you were a vessel for Sukuna, something decided the minute you were born. You had no control over what happened and you don’t get to take all the blame just because you were brought into this world. Sukuna used you, he used all of us. That doesn’t make us bad people though, it just makes us…” Megumi trails off almost as if he can’t find the right words to speak.
“Complicated,” is the word he decides on and Yuuji repeats it back numbly.
“Complicated,”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean that we’re bad people… just troubled and trying to work it out… and as for my scars, I thought that you didn’t like them. That’s why I hid them,” Megumi muttered, Yuuji watches as he moves his hand along one of them and Yuuji doesn’t know what comes over him but he grabs it.
He grabs Megumi’s hand and stares at him.
“I’m sorry,” Yuuji mutters. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he doesn’t know how much he says those two words, repeating them like a praying man. Shaking more and more as he collapses in Megumi’s arms, shaking and crying, shaking and crying. He doesn’t think he could do much more, really he doesn’t. He clings to Megumi as if he was his lifeline, his last living attachment to this world. “I’m sorry,”
He says it for the last time and only feels Megumi’s arms around him pulling him for a comforting hug as Yuuji sobs into his arms and he says something new for once. “Megumi,” he whispers a choked word through his muffled sniffles and Megumi says something back.
“Yuuji,”
“I think I love you Megumi,”
“I think I love you too Yuuji,”