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How did I even get so fucked by her? I certainly didn’t owe her my heart, or even my body. But I am so sorry for being careless with her. I should have told her earlier. She saved all of our lives. I owe her so much more than I think I could ever give anybody.
And what do normal people like her even want? So many want me but only as a bottom shelf erotic product. I could drive her wild beyond her wildest fantasy but she deserves so much more than that.
She just left from visiting. We held hands but I still kept her at arms reach. I told her to ask me questions. It has to be her question, no way I would want to even accidentally mind rape her. But maybe that is like me hanging out in a tree on a branch too high for her to climb or shake.
Everyone looks at me and they think I’m rare, but it’s really more like I’m being scarce. I’m not a diamond, but I’m definitely rough, like coal crushed underfoot.
Maybe it would help to write a letter.
Dear Violet,
I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I’m really trying. It just don't come natural to me to think that you'd want me for mе. I had an incredibly messed up childhood between my mom leaving me and my dad dying and I still haven't learned to feel as human as you are yet. It seems the more I reassure the less you trust. Still you gave me your heart, but I only gave you my body. I honestly thought no one would ever want my heart or notice that it’s gone. I'm not a real person, just the shit you can't make up. If I tell you everything you want I’ll be more exposed than if I take off my clothes when we make the closest thing to love I am capable of.
I jump at a knock on the door.
“Xaden, me and some of the guys got a card game starting up downstairs”, called Garrick. “You should come join us. You need to get it together Xaden.”
“Hey man, I’ll be right there,” I reply. I swear, I really need to be trying. I know and should do better.
I walk down with Garrick to a rec room where the guys are playing penny poker. We sit down and play a few rounds. But I’m still lonely, the morbid sort even company can’t cure.
“Hey, I need to get up and get some air,” I tell everyone and no one in particular.
Garrick rises to join me. “You can’t just ghost your friends, Xaden.”
“I don’t know why you would care,” I sigh.
“I’m really trying,” replied Garrick.
“How did I cause so much harm?” I cry.
“Let’s go to the kitchen, I think they have some cake left,” said Garrick as he led me by my arm.
There is just one piece of chocolate cake left. Garrick hands me the plate but his fingers slip. I dive to catch it, but gravity, no gravity! I’m down pounding my head on the kitchen floor.
“Xaden, I'm sorry, but this can't go on", says Garrick as he pulls me up. “Let’s get you back up to your room. “
“I’m sorry Garrick, I know you got scars of your own.”
“Friends shouldn’t have to live or die alone,” Garrick replies.
“One more thing, Garrick, can you hide my knives before you go?”
Garrick leaves but I’m still consumed by my thoughts of Violet.
Oh Violence, I swear that I ‘m really trying. I'm still in the process, but I'm making progress. I promise, I honestly wanna prove improvement's possible. I swear, I'm so fucking sorry. I'm not a good person, I'm barely a person at all. But someday I'll be perfect, and I'll make up for it all.
“Ugh,” roared Sgaeyl into our bond. “And you’ll probably write a fucking song about it. 'Cause it has to be all about Xaden’s fucking drama! Gods damn it!”
Fuck, I’m so sorry.
I’ll stuff it all back inside or die trying.
Lyrics-Against the Kitchen Floor by Will Wood
I don't owe you my heart
And I don't owe you my body
But you should know that I'm sorry
For being careless with you
Lord knows I owe you more
Than I'm pretty sure I ever could give anybody
But I can't pin down what normal people want from foreign objects
Bottom shelf erotic products like me
So, I could hold your hand, but keep you at arm's length
Or hang me from a branch too high to climb and shake
Less rare than scarce, less diamond than rough
Unlikely to be more than just the coal you fail to crush, and
I swear, I'm really trying
Get it together, Will, know and do better
It just don't come natural to me to think that you'd want me for mе
I swear, I'm really trying
Oh, I'm sorry, I promise, I'm doing my best
I just haven't learned how to be human as you are yet
I still don't know who you are
I only know that I'm still lonely
That morbid sort where even company can't cure me
And the more you reassure, the less I trust
But still you gave me your heart
I only gave you my body
Honestly thought nobody'd want it, let alone notice it's gone
And so I left it home, but now, now, now, now
I keep a locket with a picture of the back of my head
Oh, monkey-wrench my side view mirrors, ghost my friends
I've lived more lives than enough, I haven't died quite as much
But I'm not a real person, just the shit you can't make up, and
I swear, I'm really trying
I'm just as exposed if I take off my clothes
When we make the closest thing to love that I'm capable of
And I don't know why you would care
But I'm really trying
Oh, I'm sorry, I promise, I'm doing my best
I just haven't learned how to be human as you are yet
Did I really have any of that gravity?
Maybe you're quicksand
Because I really couldn't tell
How deep my footprints went
The vertex of my redemption arc
The searching on that virgin heart
I'm catatonic in your arms
Crying, "How did I cause so much harm?"
I'm down pounding my head against the kitchen floor
Apologizing for my life and ever entering yours
Don't say "I'm sorry, but this can't go on"
I know you've got scars of your own
But hide my knives before you go
I'll either live or die alone
I swear, I will die trying
I'm still in the process, but I'm making progress
I promise, I honestly wanna prove improvement's possible
I swear, I'm so fucking sorry
I'm not a good person, I'm barely a person at all
But someday I'll be perfect, and I'll make up for it all
And write a fucking song about it
'Cause it has to be all about Will's fucking dram
God damn it
Sorry
Fuck, I'm sorry