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There is something cold and hard inside Tsukishima Kei.
It is too heavy, sometimes.
—
Kei, now officially a middle schooler, starts collecting money.
He saves up his allowance, little by little, spending a bit on snacks from the corner store to eat with Yamaguchi and squirrelling the rest away in a small box he keeps on his desk. His dad gives him so little money to start with, it takes him a long time - almost three whole months - to collect the amount he needs.
Today’s the day he’s going to spend it.
—
There’s signs Kei ignores. He should’ve realised it. He should’ve known.
He’s so stupid, sometimes.
—
The owner of the store seems surprised to see Kei, blinking at him from over the counter. Ignoring the embarrassment burning behind his ears, Kei resolutely points out the keychain he wants. That one.
After a second, the owner pulls it out of the display case, handing it over. Kei slides his money box across the counter - he even made sure to have a few extra yen.
He picks up the keychain, admiring it in the fluorescent, sharp lights of the store. A volleyball, small and bright and colored orange.
It reminded him of Akiteru, the first time he saw it.
—
There’s a strange exhaustion that weighs him down, now. Maybe it’s the knowledge that nothing is ever as good as it seems. That everything Kei does will mean nothing because someone else will always pull the rug out from under him.
Being on guard all the time is exhausting.
—
During Akietru’s next match, Kei hatches a plan with Yamaguchi.
They’ll go together, sneak in to surprise his brother - they won’t distract him, of course, but he’ll be so excited to see them cheering him on, Kei is sure! Then, after, he’ll show Akiteru the keychain he got and proudly explain how he saved up to get it and how he wants to be just like Akiteru, and his brother will cry because he’s embarrassing like that and the three of them will go get ice cream and it will be great.
Kei cannot wait.
—
Perhaps Kei’s real issue is this: he was too full of love, too trusting, too emotional. He was too much. And when he saw the expression on his brother’s face - a horrified relief, an exhausted façade falling apart -
—
He starts finding excuses to not be around his brother - around Akiteru at home. He has to go do something with Yamaguchi, he has to finish a project, he has to go look for worms.
Anything that’s not -
Kei walks past the store and sees a dinosaur model - one that actually looks like a triceratops. He wants it so badly.
His empty money box mocks him from his desk.
—
… Akiteru is…
—
What the hell is Kei even doing?
He knows - his mom is right. She knows Kei better than anyone else. She knows there's no cold, no sickness. He's just avoiding Akiteru. She was right to yell at him, because he is acting stupid. He knows it.
But.
He clenches the volleyball keychain, staring at it in his hand. Orange and bright and innocent and ugly.
He still… he still likes it.
—
There is something cold and hard living inside Tsukishima Kei. It is uncomfortable and horrible and familiar. He keeps pulling it close even though it makes him sick, like it will protect him from himself and his own foolish, naive stupidity.
The cold and hard thing is shaped a bit too much like his heart.