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The room is still.
I make no attempt to move. My humanity paused.
The liability lays still on the ground. It’s humanity long gone.
I am at ease despite what has transpired.
Something in me mourns. I do not understand.
The liability is dead, we are safe.
He is gone, we need not fear.
My love is gone, we are-
What?
I come back into reality again. I allow myself focus.
He is gone. What have I done?
His blood is everywhere. It covers me. It covers my heart.
Why did I do that? Why?
I tremble still, too many things filling my mind, grief, anger, loathing.
I should’ve seen it coming. Yet I didn’t restrain myself first. Why? I could have stopped this.
My feet move on their own to kneel at his side, a thousand unconscious apologies spill from me.
I’m so sorry, Vincent. My dearest. I didn’t mean to.
Breathing labored, I sob for him. I mourn.
I had been lost too long, I did not manage to apologize before his passing.
That damned man and his contraptions.
I leave him a kiss goodnight, my final apology, tears now silent as I stand to leave the room.
I am no longer virtuous, the privilege of luck was stripped from me the moment my hands rid of his life.
I leave reality again, fear filling my mind.
No. I can’t. I need to avenge this vile act.
But I am not permitted the time either. I am gone once again.
____________________________________________________
I wake up again. I’m home.
I turn my head, smiling as the sight of him comes into view.
We are safe yet again.
Right?
…
No.
I feel something churn in my stomach. Something is not right.
I turn my head again and observe it. It’s inhumanity showing now.
I have already failed you, haven’t I?
I reach over to the bedside, grabbing the blade like clockwork, as if I have done this a thousand times before.
I allow it no time to wake, taking it out of it’s misery as I have so many times before.
A labored breath is let out, I hadn’t recognized I held.
I stare at it in pity. How much will they do to keep me here? Am I needed that badly?
I sigh, saddened, and put myself out of my own misery.
I await my forceful return once more. I do not deserve to be in his arms.