Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Trying to Start Something

NotLukeSkywalker writes:

Hi Ms X,

My problem requires a bit of background, and to be honest I’m not sure if it counts as a ‘family issue’, since it’s more family-adjacent, but I guess it’s up to you to decide if it can go on your blog or not.

Anyway, the background:

When I was a kid, I witnessed my stepfather being murdered. This caused me to develop a very rare form of severe PTSD. My mother had me institutionalised. While this may have been the right decision, she barely ever visited me, and the institution where she left me subjected me to repeated, long-term medical abuse which made my symptoms much worse. I would act out sometimes because of this, and I gained a reputation as a problem patient.

My mother never told my father that he got her pregnant, so when I was still young I ended up being the one to tell him he was my dad when he happened to be visiting the clinic. My parents were supportive of me for about a day after that, but ultimately they left me at the clinic (yes, still being medically abused), and spent the rest of their time either acting as if I didn’t exist, or being ashamed of me when they were reminded of their mess of a son.

When I was in my mid-teens the clinic shut down (I wish I could say it was because the medical abuse was discovered and dealt with, but tbh I think my parents might have known about that all along and decided it was worth it if I ended up cured. Which just shows that smart people can be very stupid because my condition doesn’t have a cure.). After that, I was moved to another clinic. It was for old people (I was the youngest person there by about forty years, and yes I’m including the staff in that), but the guy who ran the place was supportive and he let me go outside whenever I wanted, and he even let me help out with some of the other patients in a supervised fashion.

However, he recently died as a result of an accident which I feel responsible for. I know he’d say it wasn’t my fault, but I still feel that it is.

He called the shots at the clinic, so there was nobody to stop me from going off on my own. I’d never claim to be the model of sanity but I’m doing better than I have done in years, and I don’t want to spend my whole life in clinics. I wanted to do something – to be more specific, I wanted to help people. I want to make the world a better place. I also have a very unique set of skills which mean I can help people in a way that most people can’t. I’m old enough that living on my own is pretty reasonable.

My first attempt at this was going pretty well. There were two children – let’s call them Magpie 1 and Magpie 2. They’d been raised from birth in what I’ll call a cult with strong ties to organised crime. I managed to talk to them and convince them to leave the cult. However, before I could get them out of the building, my father’s coworkers broke in and told me to get away from the kids, because apparently they think I’m the kind of crazy person who’s a danger to children.

I was helping those kids. Helping.

And they certainly weren’t helping. One of them nearly destroyed the outbuilding where me and the kids ended up taking shelter. If I hadn’t got us out of that building sharpish, all three of us would have died. While my dad’s coworkers didn’t intend to kill or injure any of us, they very nearly did. (For context – the outbuilding had some very explosive materials in it which were set off by their actions.)

In the end, I got separated from Magpie 1 and Magpie 2, and my dad’s coworkers have them now. While I will acknowledge they are capable of looking after children (they run a sort of special needs boarding school), I find their methods crude (again, they nearly BLEW US UP), and they definitely won’t even let me visit Magpie 1 and Magpie 2 to see how they’re getting on now they’re out of the cult/mafia.

No only that, but I fully believe that in the future, as I continue to try and help people, they will carry on showing up to try and stop me from doing literally anything. All of them keep in mind the stories of me acting out back when I was being abused in the clinic. They won’t expect me to be anything more than my worst self, and as a result, I won’t be trusted to do anything, right down to helping an old lady cross the street.

Do you have any ideas on how to get them off my back? Every time we interact they won’t shut up about what my dad would want and the ideas my dad had for how to help people, but the thing is – I don’t think my dad was always right.

Yours,

NotLukeSkywalker

Dear NotLukeSkywalker,

This is certainly a lot to unpack.

Firstly, I would like to express some concern for your mental health. I know this isn’t what you wrote in for, but you admitted both to severe trauma and childhood medical abuse, as well as the more recent trauma of witnessing the death of the man who ran the clinic you were staying in. While I completely understand why you would be reluctant to enter inpatient care given your past, there are other options. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I would advise seeking one out.

Secondly, while you have said you consider your father’s coworkers to be competent at caring for children, you have also recounted a story of them being very reckless, which raises concerns about whether they really are competent. I would suggest contacting your local social services. Social services are often stretched in terms of resources, but when it comes to the safety of children, social services is a must.

Finally, regarding your actual question: you need to set firm boundaries. Your father’s coworkers can claim only a slight acquaintance with you, and they do not have a right to interrupt your work. It’s important for you to make it very clear to them what the boundaries are, and what it means for them to overstep them. You could use the example of the potential harm they could have caused to Magpie 1 and Magpie 2 by rashly stepping into what was, I am certain, a very tense situation. Normally I would suggest asking your father to talk to his coworkers, but given your distant relationship with him, I won’t assume that is an easy solution.

Also, while you haven’t specified the type of work you do, I’m guessing it’s some sort of charity work. Do you have coworkers you could talk to about this issue? A manager you could look to for support? Does your charity have a safeguarding policy for staff? All these options are worth exploring.

Kind regards,

Ms X

The Comments:

NotLukeSkywalker: Thanks for the reply. I’m looking for a therapist but it isn’t easy. I don’t have much money and there aren’t many therapists out there who can properly treat my condition. I don’t think social services would care about Magpie 1 and Magpie 2. They’re immigrant kids and they’re both mutants. TBH pretty much everyone in my story except my mum is a mutant. And social services doesn’t care jack shit about people like us. I would love to establish boundaries with my dad’s coworkers, but I don’t think they’d ever respect them. In terms of whether I work at a charity, no, I don’t. I don’t think any charity would take me, even if I could really, really help. Let’s just say I’m in the freelance ‘helping people who need it’ business. But I won’t claim to be a superhero. I wouldn’t be caught dead in spandex.

> Ms_X replied: Ah, I see. In that case, firstly, I’d say – keep looking for a therapist. On a more short-term basis, consider an advice helpline if your mental health dips. Regarding Magpie 1 and Magpie 2, consider reaching out to a mutant-centric charity. They might be able to give you some ideas on getting them to somewhere that’s definitely safe. Finally, it sounds like you’re very much on your own. While you believe a charity wouldn’t take you, I wouldn’t rule that out, either. Some charities have initiatives for hiring people with mental health issues, and you might find things go easier with your father’s coworkers if you have a line manager who can step up and help you deal with interruptions in the future.

> Anon replied: mutie drama is always wild but this looks sooo fake lol

> Ms_X replied: As stated in my FAQ, this blog has a good-faith policy in terms of what is sent in. Short of anything I’m certain is made up, I will post a reply within reason. Secondly, again as stated in my FAQ, this is a safe place for those who face discrimination and mutantphobia is not tolerated here.

Chapter Text

Dealing with my friend’s brother

NotLukeSkywalker writes:

Hi Ms X,

Something awful happened.

You doubted my dad’s coworkers’ ability to look after Magpie 1 and Magpie 2, and you were right. A very violent man killed Magpie 2 right under their noses. Magpie 1 blames me, because if I’d never extracted her and her brother from the cult, her brother would still be alive. I want to comfort her through her grief, but she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to see me. She hates me.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

It’s now that I have to mention something I didn’t include in my previous email, because it wasn’t relevant. Before I even went to help Magpie 1 and Magpie 2, I was approached by a guy I’ll call Dickhead. He was a real creep, very vague about who he was but clearly very interested in me. Based on how he talked to me, I think he’s been stalking me somehow. I don’t know why.

He was the one who killed Magpie 2, and only because he knew I would be upset to see someone I’d helped get hurt. He’s not threatened me, but he’s clearly a danger to other people.

Another thing I didn’t mention before: when my dad’s coworkers showed up, before they took Magpie 1 and Magpie 2, I was approached by one of them, on her own, away from the group. Unlike the others, she was nice. To be honest, she was flirty, which I was very okay with.

Let’s call her Rose.

Anyway, it turns out Dickhead is Rose’s brother. He murdered their mother and was arrested for it, but he escaped from prison. After killing Magpie 2, he tried to kill Rose as well, but I managed to chase him out of the building.

I want to help Rose. I don’t know why Dickhead has this weird obsession with me, but he tried to kill Rose. I have to help her stay safe.

And I want to help Magpie 1. I just don’t think she’ll let me.

Regards,

NotLukeSkywalker

Dear NotLukeSkywalker,

I’m so sorry for your loss. Magpie 2 was one of the first people you chose to help in your new vocation, and his death must be hitting you very hard. Again, I would urge you to find a therapist, and at the very least call a grief helpline.

I understand your desire to be there for Magpie 1. However, she has made it clear she does not want to be contacted by you. Grief is not always logical, and she cannot currently see the benefit of being free from the cult in the wake of her brother’s death. The best thing to do is to give her means of contacting you in her own time – your email address, or set up a Facebook profile – and once she has worked through some of her grief, she may find that she wants to contact you.

However, I also urge you to inform social services. The school where she’s staying clearly has inadequate security if someone as violent as Dickhead was able to break in.

On to Rose.

Rose must be going through some difficult feelings of her own. Having a violent family member leads to many complex emotions. You said that she approached you and flirted with you – there may not be a repeat of this in the wake of what her brother has done. In terms of supporting her, I’d give her your contact details so that she can contact you if she wants to talk to someone who understands her situation with her brother. I would also suggest encouraging her to access her own mental health support in this difficult time.

Her brother clearly has a fixation on you. While I would absolutely not encourage trying to ‘get close’ to Dickhead in an attempt to help Rose, if Dickhead approaches you again, I would share any pertinent information he reveals first to the police, and potentially with Rose if you think it will better enable her to keep herself safe.

I would also urge you to consider your own safety. You have mentioned you do not have much money, so you probably can’t afford much in the way of security measures, but a few cheap locks on your front door can’t hurt. Given what has happened, I think you would also be justified in asking for police protection. Even having a police car drive down your road a few times a day could be a helpful deterrent.

Kind regards,

Ms X

The Comments:

NotLukeSkywalker: Look, I appreciate the sentiment but I cannot stress enough how little the cops care whether someone like me lives or dies.

NotLukeSkywalker: Actually, scratch that. The police would probably prefer it if the fucker got to me.

Anon: r/thatHappened

>Ms_X replied: I run this blog with a good faith policy, and nothing about the above is outside the realm of possibility. It’s also completely inappropriate to joke about the death of a child. Unfortunately for you, I’ve finally figured out how to block anonymous commenters.

Chapter Text

Stalker might be my dad

NotLukeSkywalker writes:

Hi Ms X,

So I have another stalker, and this one claims he’s my father.

As you might remember, my dad was not close to me.

The stalker looks a lot like my dad. His voice sounds a lot like my dad. Sometimes he acts like my dad, sometimes he doesn’t, and as much as he says he’s my dad, there’s enough doubt in my mind that I’m not sure.

My dad was always distant, always unknowable to me. So I don’t actually know him well enough to know if this stalker is him or not.

And because I know you might suggest this – no, there’s nothing I can do to avoid this stalker, he has ways of accessing me which I can’t block. And I can’t ask my dad’s colleagues if it’s him. They would not respond well.

Yours,

NotLukeSkywalker

Dear NotLukeSkywalker,

If your father’s coworkers can’t help you with this, are there any of your father’s friends you’d feel safe reaching out to? Aside from that, short of a DNA test, the question of whether he’s your father may not be easy to resolve. After all, his invasion of your privacy means he is not somebody whose company you would want to seek out enough to answer this question.

You said there is no way to avoid this stalker – but there are still ways to present him with consequences. If you have proof of his actions, you have grounds for a restraining order. Whether he’s your father or not, if he’s stalking you, you have the right to demand distance.

Kind regards,

Ms X

Chapter Text

Trying and failing to talk to my mother

NotLukeSkywalker writes:

Hi Ms X,

So lately I’ve been trying to talk to my mother.

Trying being the main word.

I don’t have her home phone, or her mobile number, but I managed to get hold of her office number. I don’t have a phone either, so I’ve been calling from payphones.

But I just can’t get the words out.

I call her, she picks up, she asks who it is, and I just… don’t say anything. To be honest, I think she’s getting pretty pissed off at the anonymous person who keeps calling her just to breathe down the line.

I don’t know what to do,

NotLukeSkywalker

Dear NotLukeSkywalker,

Reconnecting with an estranged parent is never an easy step to take, but you’re trying to take it, and that’s very brave. If you feel you can’t talk to her on the phone, have you considered sending her an email or a letter? If you know her office address, you could post the letter there. This would also give you time to read and re-draft your message so it’s exactly what you want to say. The letter doesn’t need to be anything elaborate; all you need is a starting point.

Kind regards,

Ms X

My son wants to meet with me

Anonymous writes:

Dear Ms X,

I will admit I’ve been a distant mother. Over the years, visits to my son became further and further apart until they dwindled away to nothing. I haven’t seen him in years.

But I work in politics, and lately my son was arrested for organising a peaceful protest. I pulled some strings to have him freed, especially since the police response was disproportionate. I sent a car to have him picked up from where he was being held and brought to me, but by that time he had already left. He did, however, leave a message for me of a time and place to meet.

The place he has selected holds rather a lot of memories for the two of us, for him more than for me, and I know those memories aren’t pleasant for either of us.

I don’t know what he wants. I don’t know what I can give him. We operate in very different worlds, and I don’t know how to breach the gap.

Yours sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It seems to me that you’ve been handed a golden opportunity. If you handle this meeting well, you have the chance to reconnect with your son. Show empathy, admit to any past mistakes, make sure he knows you care, and listen to what he needs to tell you.

His choice of meeting place sounds complicated, but if it holds significant memories for the two of you this could be the chance to clear the air about your being distant in the past. An apology may be all that he’s looking for.

Not knowing what your son wants out of the meeting may seem daunting, but you are allowed to ask. Since you’ve been apart for many years, there are many things it would be acceptable to ask. Showing interest in what he cares about can help repair your relationship. He wouldn’t have asked you to meet if he didn’t want to talk.

Kind regards,

Ms X

Comment thread on “Trying and failing to talk to my mother”:

NotLukeSkywalker: Fuck. Fuck. I met with mum and they fucking shot her. They were aiming at me – aiming at the mutant – and they shot her. Typing this in hospital. Don’t know if she’s going to pull through.

>NotLukeSkywalker replied: Okay so she’s hurt but she’s going to be alright. Fuck.

>Ms_X replied: I’m glad to know that your mother is going to pull through. How was the meeting?

>NotLukeSkywalker replied: It actually went okay. I got to finally say some things about the medical abuse which I’d never got to say. We talked. I think she realised some things about me she hadn’t known before. I think we managed to patch things up. I think I might try to see her sometimes.

>Ms_X replied: That’s good. That’s really good.

>NotLukeSkywalker: Wait, I forgot to say. That stalker – the one who said he was my dad. He isn’t. My mum knew things about my dad that no-one knew, and the stalker didn’t know either. So that proves it.

>Ms_X replied: That must be such a relief for you. Have you managed to make progress on a restraining order?

>NotLukeSkywalker: Sort of? At the very least, I know he’s not my dad, and he knows I know.

Chapter Text

Altercation with my friend’s son

Lancelot-du-Lac writes:

Dear Ms X,

Recently myself and a team I work with have had an altercation with the son of a close friend of mine.

Even before this, the relationship was complicated. I first met my friend, who I will call Arthur, in my youth. We formed a strong bond, but frequent disagreements over ethics led us to part ways. While we occasionally worked together over the years, it was more common for us to be at odds with each other, and while we always respected each other, we disagreed nearly all the time.

This was further complicated by the fact that I have long had feelings for Arthur. He will never find out. When we met back in the sixties, such things between men were not spoken of. Even later on, given my age it seemed rather late to begin, and either Arthur was unaware of my feelings, or he knew and chose to say nothing.

When I first met Arthur, he began dating a woman, Guinevere. I also had ethical disagreements with Guinevere, and while we were never very close and still aren’t, we have always respected each other. They had a child, Mordred, who is a rather complicated person. Neither Arthur nor Guinevere were very present in his life.

I will also admit that I have worked on a team with Mordred in the past. During this time, I was going behind his back, with authority to eject him from the team if I deemed it necessary. Mordred figured this out early on, but said nothing and continued with the work we were doing, because he correctly believed it was important. I will admit I was impressed with his skills, but given the circumstances, he is not able to view me as a trustworthy individual.

That was some years ago, and lately I have met Mordred again. He approached my team in the course of some important work he was doing. Mordred has had lifelong mental health issues, and given his reputation for instability, a member of my team – Fay – attacked him. Mordred is now comatose and it is not known if he will recover.

But he has recovered from a coma once before, and I feel I must prepare myself to face him again.

I did not tell Fay to attack him, but she was a member of my team and I have had a long association with her. Mordred may approach me – he would be justified in criticising my team – but I don’t know how I can face Mordred talking to me with Arthur’s frown on his face. In many ways, he’s so much like his father.

And what if he figures out how I feel about Arthur? If anyone could do it, Mordred could.

Awaiting your response,

Lancelot-du-Lac

Dear Lancelot-du-Lac,

I’m concerned you don’t have your priorities in line here. Yes, your feelings for Arthur are significant to you, and interacting with Arthur’s son must be difficult because of that – but that’s not the biggest issue here.

A woman on your team attacked someone, and you don’t know if he’ll recover. You seem confident that he will, but there’s no guarantee.

I don’t usually give advice about employer-employee relations unless it’s directly related to family issues, but there’s no way around this: you need to remove Fay from your team. She attacked Mordred violently enough that he is comatose.

You also need to apologise. Even if Mordred doesn’t wake up so you can’t apologise to him in person, you need to issue a statement of apology. You’ve spoken about Arthur in the past tense so I’ll assume he’s passed on, but you need to apologise to Guinevere. Her son was severely injured on your watch.

Regards,

Ms X

The Comments:

Lancelot-du-Lac: I am not going to fire Fay. She may have an occasionally combative personality, but she has her uses.

>Ms_X replied: She put Mordred in a coma. Surely you understand that’s assault?

>Lancelot-du-Lac replied: Well, Mordred has woken up and gone to ground, but the doctors say he looked healthy enough, so your point is moot.

>Ms_X replied: Even if Mordred woke up, Fay still assaulted him.

Uncannyposting: lol you know ms x is pissed when she says ‘regards’ instead of ‘kind regards’

Chapter Text

My dad doesn’t want me around

NotLukeSkywalker writes:

Hi Ms X,

It’s been a rough few years, but things are looking a little better. Both my stalkers were dealt with ages ago, and I’ve been dating Rose for several years now. Magpie 1 is doing okay, though we only talk from time to time. I guess I could just call her Magpie now, but I can’t quite let go of that. Does a twin stop being a twin when one of them is dead?

Lately, me, Rose, and a few acquaintances have set up a mental health support walk-in centre. It’s only been open a short time, but we’ve already made a positive impact.

The problem is that, as part of my charity work, I have to occasionally visit the premises of another charity. My dad is one of the people in charge at this charity, and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me there. He’s convinced that I’m always seconds away from flying into a haze of violent destruction. I don’t think he’s bothered to learn just how much effort I’ve put into getting my mental health where it is today.

The other people who run the charity alongside my dad haven’t said anything, but tbh it may be that they’re just hoping I’ll go away on my own. I’ve met some of them before and very few of them liked me.

Every time I visit the charity site, if dad’s there, he tells me to leave. He even visited the walk-in centre to tell me to stop coming. That time he visited, I found out that he thinks the world would be a better place if I wasn’t in it. He thinks I’m too unstable. If I died tomorrow and he had a switch that would bring me back to life, he wouldn’t pull it.

It also doesn’t help that my half-sister visited him briefly a few days ago, and he was lavishing attention on her. He thinks she’s the best. He’d do anything for her. He won’t even listen to me when I have something important to say. He thinks I’m a monster.

But, small steps. Right now I just want to figure out a way to get him to stop telling me to clear off every time I try and get something done which involves me visiting his charity.

Yours,

NotLukeSkywalker

Dear NotLukeSkywalker,

I’m glad to know that you’re doing better than you have been, and that some of your past issues have been resolved.

I’m sure you’re very hurt by your father’s behaviour. Unfortunately, there is no rule that parents must be perfect, and many parents do pick a favourite. Just because your father favours his daughter does not mean you are worth less as a person.

Luckily, you now have friends and coworkers to discuss some of these issues with. After all, you’ve only visited your father’s charity because of issues directly relating to your work. You would be justified in reminding your father that his requests for you to leave are unreasonable, and his behaviour is unprofessional. Remind him of the work you are trying to do, and how he is putting himself in the way of that.

After all, whether or not he’s your father, you’re trying to do your job, and he is trying to push you away from that.

Kind regards,

Ms X

The Comments:

NotLukeSkywalker: okay, but just the idea of telling my dad that he’s being unprofessional is hilarious.

Chapter Text

My boyfriend is overworking himself

Watchmen-fan writes:

Dear Ms X,

I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with for several years, D. Me, D, and several of our friends have been working together on a project over the last few months which has been going really well.

There’s only one problem – D is overworking himself. He’s not sleeping, he’s not taking time off. It’s constant. He has a pretty strong constitution, so I’m not worried about his physical health, but I am worried about his mental health. Constant work is not going to be good for him.

And I know exactly why he’s doing it. D’s dad, C, has always been distant, and he’s always viewed D as being a problem in his life. Not that C has ever allowed D to be in his life very much.

But D… god, I don’t know if D knows this, but it’s clear he’s desperate for his father’s approval. Has been ever since I first met him. I think that’s why he’s pushing himself so hard. I think he feels that if he succeeds at this project, then his father might finally take notice. He wants his father to be proud of him.

But for his father to take notice, C would have to actually pay attention to D. And he just doesn’t do that.

Is there anything I can do to get D to take a break?

Kind regards,

Watchmen-fan

Dear Watchmen-fan,

Firstly, have you talked to D about taking a break? If you already have, then please ignore this part of my advice, but sometimes an honest conversation from someone who cares really is enough for a person to be kinder to themselves.

As much as you feel D may never receive the validation he wants from his father, telling him so is unlikely to be effective. You know this is the root of the problem, but D may not. Instead, try to frame telling him to take a break around the need for him to keep up his mental health in order to do his best work on the project.

You mentioned that you and D are working on this project with several other people. It might be possible to discreetly talk to other members of your team about making sure D stops work by a certain point in the day. In order to not single D out, it might be possible to enforce a healthy work schedule for the whole team, and then D would have to comply and be in line with this. If everyone isn’t allowed to work between six pm and nine am, then D can’t work during those hours either.

Finally, how well do you know C? If he knew the effect his distance was having on D, would he be likely to change his ways? Having an honest discussion with C may not be viable if you don’t know him well, and you are better placed than I to decide if C would change his behaviour towards D, but sometimes parents do not see the damage they are doing by their own inaction.

Kind regards,

Ms X

The Comments:

Watchmen-fan: Shit. Oh shit. Okay, so even when I sent in that first email, I had already decided to confront C about things. I just asked your blog in case there were more specific strategies to use. And I did talk to C. I told him how D was overworking himself, and how it was about him trying to prove himself to C. And then I invited C over to visit D at our place of work. I knew D would be really excited to show his father around and show him all the good work we’ve been doing. Then it all went to shit.

Watchmen-fan replied: C didn’t believe me. Or didn’t trust me. Or didn’t trust D. We thought it was going well, we both thought it was going well. But it turned out that C had decided he’d been invited over so that D could attack him. He doesn’t trust D that much. So he decided to get in there early and he roofied D. Poisoned him. Whatever. Which was the worst timing because after that, a guy broke into the building.

Watchmen-fan replied: I had D in my lap, I was trying to keep him alive, I didn’t know exactly what C had done but D was going downhill fast. I could have tried to fight the guy breaking in, but then D would be on his own and I didn’t want to risk D dying. And C started to walk away. C decided to leave us. I had my boyfriend in my lap and my boyfriend’s father was leaving us to die.

Watchmen-fan replied: But he came back. He turned around and came back and helped me and D fight off the intruder. I think partway through it, C realised just how hard life has been for D. How much effort D has to put in just to function with his disability. I just don’t know if it was enough. He poisoned D. He was going to leave us to die. He didn’t think we were important enough to risk himself saving. All D wanted from that meeting was for C to say he was proud, and I’m not sure he’ll ever get to have that.

Watchmen-fan replied: We’ve decided to shut down our project. We’re still going to help people, but in a quieter way, behind the scenes. That’s the thing about publicly trying to make the world better. Assholes come out from all over the place to hurt you just because they can. D is recovering from the poisoning, albeit slowly. Definitely not as fast as he’d like. I’m there to support him and our friends are there to support him, but, I mean… everyone knows what happened, and what do you even say to a guy whose dad decided to poison him?

Ms_X replied: Firstly, I’d like to extend my sympathies to you, and by extension to D, in this difficult time. I hope that D is recovering well. It sounds like you’re putting effort into being there for him, and his friends as well, which is extremely important in the wake of something like this. I am glad to know that D is on the mend.

Ms_X replied: I know many people are reluctant to go to the police about a family matter, but from the sound of things C’s actions could have resulted in D being severely ill, or worse. An individual breaking into your place of work while D was vulnerable is certainly horrifying, but even if that hadn’t happened, C would have still hurt his son. If you feel D would be open to such a course of action, I would support him in taking this to the police. Especially since C initially took an action which could have resulted in both you and D being severely hurt. He did come back for you, but he was not there for you when you were both vulnerable and needed another person’s support.

Ms_X replied: Finally, D’s desire for his father to be proud of him. You said C might have realised something which may have changed the way he views D. Under normal circumstances, I would encourage nurturing this realisation through honest family discussions. Normally, I would say that it is never too late for a parent to turn things around, admit their past mistakes, and support their children. But C has crossed a line here. Yes, D probably loves his father very much. But validation from C is not worth the price.

Chapter Text

My son has gone AWOL

X writes:

Dear Ms X,

I will admit to being a lousy father. My son is rebellious and unstable, but I will admit to not being there for him when I should have been.

Recently his girlfriend invited me over to their house, and I made some assumptions which were very damaging. In the course of the interaction, I realised I had vastly underestimated how difficult life is for my son, and how much he has to overcome to do the things he does. Even through all the adversity, he still found a way to keep his head high.

However, my mistakes during that conversation have led to my son and his girlfriend cutting all contact. They have moved away, I don’t know where to, and their friends claim not to know either.

I am not sure if I believe them. They seem clueless enough, but I do not believe that my son or his girlfriend would cut off contact with their friends. Some of them have been friends for years, others for a few months, but I know how much they both value those they care about.

I also work closely with my son’s girlfriend’s grandmother, who is very fond of her granddaughter. She has also not been forthcoming with their location.

Do you have any advice for how to locate my son?

I don’t want to lose him.

Yours sincerely,

X

Dear X,

My advice may have to be somewhat generic, because you have been more than a little vague about your ‘assumptions’ and ‘mistakes’. Yes, there is a chance that your son and his girlfriend are acting out of proportion to whatever disagreement you may have had, but I have the sense that this is not the case.

Your son reached out to you and as a result of your conversation with him, not only has he moved house, but his friends will not tell you where he is, and his girlfriend’s grandmother will not tell you either. If that many people are not willing to tell you where your son is based on what you have done, then I have the sense that it was something rather extreme.

I also note that, while you are sympathetic to your son’s difficulties in life, you also described him as rebellious and unstable, without elaborating. Is it possible you are being unfair? Do you want to find him to patch things up, or do you want to find him because you don’t trust what he will do with his life to line up with your own beliefs?

I do not think it is the right move for you to pursue your son’s location. Let him come to you. If there are things you feel you must say, write them down and give the letter to one of his friends, telling them that if they happen to cross paths with your son, you would appreciate them giving the letter to him. But be prepared for your son to burn that letter. If he moved house to avoid you, he may not want to hear from you for some time.

If you wish to recover your relationship with your son, first you need to admit to your mistakes – all of them, even the ones you do not want to admit to yourself. Then, you need to give him time. Time for any fresh wounds to heal. After that, make sure he knows your door is open for the two of you to talk.

But remember – he does not owe you anything. This may be a bitter pill to swallow, but realising that can yield future benefits. It means that anything he gives you in the future is given freely.

Regards,

Ms X