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Izaya Orihara was not a man of regrets.
There were times he would have preferred different outcomes, perhaps, but he was never one to mourn what could have been.
This was, frankly, because things tended to go his way. And that in itself was no mistake – he had every pawn necessary to ensure that he would come out on top no matter what the scenario. Wielding his precious humans like the daggers that flew so easily from his fingertips, he could turn the city on its head with the slightest effort. He had the means and no qualms about the ramifications of using them to reach his desired end. And even in the event that something didn’t quite fall into place the way he wanted, Izaya wouldn’t waste any time agonizing over it, not when there were always new and far more interesting things happening to capture his attention. No, it really wasn’t worth it to lament what couldn’t come to fruition.
With one exception, of course.
There’s always an exception. Izaya Orihara is more similar to his humans than he’d like to admit, but particularly in this aspect. No matter how absolute one’s feelings on a subject are, there’s bound to be an exception somewhere along the line. And for Izaya Orihara and regret, that exception was Shinra Kishitani.
If Celty Sturluson didn’t exist, Izaya thought, his life would surely be easier. For one thing, her head had brought him much more trouble that it’d been worth, but he’d expected that from the beginning. His real grievances with her went much deeper than that, and unfortunately they couldn’t be fixed quite as easily.
And really, she shouldn’t exist. Not by normal standards, anyways. A headless woman with a horse to match, riding around modern day Tokyo? Out of place to say the least. Izaya knew that these weren’t substantial grounds for cursing her existence, but it was the only excuse he could make to himself. Otherwise his loathing for her would be completely baseless, or worse – rooted in jealousy. And he would never bring himself to admit, either to himself or others, that he held anything like envy towards a monster.
Celty, however, did most certainly exist, and was far too intuitive for both her own good and Izaya’s. Mostly Izaya’s. Which was why she’d gone to seek him out for this conversation, something that he resented even more than the Black Rider herself.
[Shinra told me about the biology club, you know.]
“Mm…I kind of figured. You’ve been nicer to me lately. Which is strange, really, shouldn’t you resent me more than ever now?” The wind whistled between the buildings, stirring Izaya’s hair as he lounged against the railing of the roof. Appearing nonchalant was probably in his best interest, given the subject matter at hand. Don’t want to give away too much.
[Probably. But if he was willing to do that for you…then I suppose you might be less loathsome than I’d originally suspected. Or at least, at one point you were.]
Izaya raised an eyebrow. “Oh? You’ve suddenly changed your entire outlook on me? My, love surely is a strong thing.”
[Please, I’m not that wishy-washy. Just because I care for him doesn’t mean that I’ll accept everyone he associates with. But Shinra wouldn’t do something that extreme for someone who was completely irredeemable. So I’m willingly to give you the benefit of the doubt.]
“It’s dangerous to let your heart control you like that. Basing your opinions of others on what your lover thinks…I’m disappointed, really. I thought higher of you.” He didn’t, really, but it was wondrous what spite could draw out of you.
[Well, about that, I do remember a time when you were considerably kinder to me than you have been these past few years. And I doubt it’s because I allow my feelings to control me. Perhaps, when you first met me, you allowed the same? After all, I’m sure that Shinra’s always talked highly of me.]
“What are you insinuating, Courier-san?” Izaya asked in a clipped voice, all pretense of small talk gone. Suddenly, the night seemed far too quiet, as if it were holding its breath, waiting for what was sure to be a piece of information that even he’d think was worth selling. If Izaya was inclined to dig his own grave, that is.
[You know exactly what I mean.] The PDA turned towards him too quickly, as if Celty had been anticipating his guarded response and conjured a reply ahead of time. Before he could say anything, she was already typing again. [I think we both know that your love for Shinra isn’t the same as the love you hold for all other humans.]
Izaya didn’t reply right away, choosing instead to quell the rising tide of fury inside him. “Of course you would think that. After all, you love him, so it must seem to you that he’s the kind of person that everyone would love.” He wasn’t used to being angry, but with the accusations against him – well, who wouldn’t be?
[I may love him, but I’m not a fool. I know perfectly well that Shinra isn’t the kind of person that most people – or monsters, for that matter, could love. Which is why this makes so much sense, I suppose.]
“Excuse me?”
It seemed as though Celty’s fingers were shaking as she tapped out her next return. [You love him. Not because he’s a human, but because you are. And humans love. It’s what they do.]
Rather than acknowledge her unnervingly accurate assumption, he tried taking control of the conversation with a meaningless rebuttal. “Not all humans fall in love. Plenty of them never marry. Some simply don’t feel that way about others. Myself included.”
Puffs of smoke emitted from beneath the Dullahan’s helmet. [It doesn’t have to be romantic to be love. It can be familial or platonic or anything in between. And there are certainly people who don’t ever fall in love. But you’re not one of them.]
Izaya opened his mouth, thought twice, and closed it again. Celty latched onto his silence and advanced ever-forward with her attack. [You won’t even deny it. You know I’m right. Why is it so hard for you to admit? Is it because of me?] A pause. [Envy is an ugly thing, you know, but I won’t hold it to you.]
A hyena’s laugh escaped him, and it was much easier now to lapse into his old façade. “Are you saying that I’m jealous of you? A headless monster, without even a mouth to speak? I’m perfectly happy with my humanity. I have no reason to desire taking your place instead. Tell me, Courier, what is it you have that I don’t?”
[Shinra’s love.]
Well, bluntness and brevity make quite the pair. One that Izaya would prefer not to see together very often. Fitting, given that he tended to be a man of many words. And yet for some reason, he was unable to come up with any to counter her.
[I suppose I’m lucky, then. You could’ve easily taken him away from me. I know you have that kind of power. But you were kind enough to let me be.]
Something vile was churning in his stomach. He wanted to throw up. “You’re wrong,” he said in disgust, and Celty had quite the confused expression for someone with no face. “If I thought it would make any difference, I would’ve done anything I could to get you out of the picture.” No point in denying it now, he supposed, she was so sure of herself that even outright lying wouldn’t shake her confidence. “Shinra will love you no matter what. Even if you left him forever, he’d still love your memory. There’s no room for anyone else.”
Celty didn’t respond for a long time, and when she did, it was painfully dull. [So he chose me over you.]
“He never considered me as an option in the first place.”
But that wasn’t really Shinra’s fault, and Izaya couldn’t delude himself into thinking otherwise. He’d had plenty of opportunities to confess his feelings and decided not to. At this point it was far too late, and there was no use in entertaining the idea of how things might’ve been had he been less stubborn.
Izaya figured that if he was a good person, he’d be happy for Shinra. Celty at least was a surprisingly kindhearted creature, and frankly a far better match for the doctor than Izaya ever could have been. But as it was, he was horribly selfish and refused to acknowledge that this was probably the way things were meant to be. Predictably, for Izaya, misery and denial was much more enticing than the idea of accepting the truth for what it was.
Celty was right. Envy was an ugly thing, but regret was even more revolting.